Cory's walking back home, slowly, it was starting to get dark and he knew he needed to hurry up home, or else his parents would begin to worry. But he couldn't help but want to just stay wandering the streets, he needed time to think, and he didn't want to have to go home and deal with Eric, another sore spot for his heart. If Topanga didn't want to be with him, then how was he going to distract himself from what was really the problem, Shawn. Shawn who wanted to have this thing with Eric, this thing that Cory regardless of his true feelings pretended to accept and encourage. He thought how stupid that was of him, now. Now here he was alone. And he didn't like it. He thought with Topanga, at-least he had someone. A distraction. But she didn't want to be with him and all because of his own actions, if only he could have acted more normal, more like he used to act with her, but things were different. He couldn't help driving himself crazy with thoughts of Shawn, distracting himself, thinking of Shawn with Eric, if only he could have been more attentive to her, she wouldn't have noticed his odd behavior and think that they were moving back together too quickly, and break up with him, all in one date.
Then he thought that this all wouldn't have happened if it had been Shawn who he was more attentive towards. Eric was a good brother, Cory thoughtfully admitted, he wouldn't do anything to hurt him, he said so himself, but Cory couldn't be truthful, he didn't want to hurt either one of them. But deep down, he wasn't okay with them being together. In not hurting them, he was hurting himself. He was afraid that he would lose Shawn, not just as a partner, but as a friend. He was angry, more at himself, then at either one of them. How could he have been so blind, he had everything he desired and he unknowingly let it slip away, and he thought everything was perfect. And most of all, he was jealous. Jealous at what he had, and lost, Jealous of thinking of Eric having that one person who he wanted still and missed. Eric being the one to have all those talks, those embraces, those kisses, those moments that were so engraved in Cory's memories. It should be Cory. It was always Cory and Shawn. How could that be gone, was it changing into Shawn and Eric?
He so wanted Shawn to be happy, but Cory for all this time, thought he had been. He thought they were happy together. But it seemed that Cory was prone to missing things, or ignoring them all together, he knew that Shawn had mentioned being aggravated with Cory's constant Topanga involvement in their relationship, but Cory couldn't see until now how much it was making Shawn feel neglected. Perhaps, it was his fault, he pushed Shawn away.
Eric wasn't with anyone, he was single, Shawn didn't have to fight with anyone else's attention. Cory thought of it some more while turning the corner to his street. Hell, even when Topanga wasn't around, it seemed that somewhere in their conversation, Cory had to bring her up. Why was that?
Was their friendship that entwined that he couldn't have feelings for one without feeling like he was being a bad friend to the other? Maybe Shawn didn't want to discuss exes, friends, family, anyone, but them. Cory wished he could go back, wished he had given Shawn the attention he deserved. Cory knew that he loved him enough, but for the first time, realized that maybe he had a problem with showing it. And that was the whole issue. Did Shawn truly feel like he was second best?
Cory so wanted to go to Shawn's, wait desperately for Shawn to answer the door, and Cory would pull him into a loving embrace, whisper to him all the feelings he felt in his heart, but would that change anything, the damage was done. Shawn had feelings for Eric, Eric had feelings for Shawn. How was that to go, if he did get back up with Shawn, forgive him, for it was partially his to blame. What would happen then? Shawn's happiness was very important to Cory, he didn't want Shawn to be with him if it meant he'd be miserable. Or if it meant that Shawn would be disappointed, if by chance, Cory began reverting back to the way things were that began their downfall in the first place?
Cory didn't know what to do, but there was one thing he did know and that was him not having Shawn, meant that he was the one to be miserable. And he wasn't so sure, he would be able to cope with that.