AN GUYS THIS IS IT THIS IS IT IT TOOK US SIX CHAPTERS TO GET HERE BUT HERE WE ARE INDEED.

MATT AND CLAIRE DEALING WITH SOME OF THEIR PROBLEMS.

"You did not sleep in his apartment," Nikki, Claire's friend from college, said in appalled delight. She may have come from very traditional Indian parents, but she was best described as 'thug'. "Damn, girl."

"I did. It was a very chill, please-sleep-before-you-go-ape-and-murder-someone-over-artichokes-at-the-store sort of thing," Claire told her. She squinted as they stepped out of the shade of an awning and started walking down the street.

Claire took a dignified sip of Coke and ignored the fact that Matt's generous offer most likely stemmed from his romantic interest in her, rather than a compulsion to be a good Samaritan. This type of flirting (if it even was flirting; sometimes it was so subtle Claire had a tough time telling which was which) was different from the cheeky, show-offy sort he had done when they were first getting to know each other. It was a quieter sort, a little more humble in its approach. Matt stayed firmly on his side of the relationship line, but he was making a point to show he was still interested, if she ever wanted to try again.

Claire also neglected to mention that both she and Matt had ended up sleeping together on his bed. Nikki wouldn't understand the utilitarian nuance of them forgoing social convention for practicality because they'd both been exhausted and out of it (plus even half-conscious Claire couldn't handle Matt denying himself comfort).

Nikki had been apprised of a version of Claire's misadventures with Matt since she had left for Miami. Nikki had driven Claire to the airport and had been intrigued when Claire had grumble-mentioned Matt under her breath. Claire had caved after a week of Nikki's nagging, deciding that it couldn't hurt to have someone to confine in/rant to about Matt, even if they didn't know all the details. She had been appropriately scandalized and eager for the details of the strange relationship Claire had been harboring for the last few months. Nikki was now under the impression that Matt Murdock was an emergency-room-prone blind man with a love of philosophers, justice, and bothering the hell out of Claire.

It was more or less the exact truth.

"Mm-hm," Nikki said, shooting her a look from under the visor of her snapback. She took a long pull from her smoothie, keeping up the expression. "Attractive ER man doesn't seem to do 'chill' very well."

Claire snorted out a laugh and shook her head. If only Nikki knew. "Yeah, well, I slept on the couch, so calm down."

White lies were okay lies if they served the greater good. And also kept Nikki from hounding her for no good reason.

"Yeah, well, no. I will not calm down. He let you sleep in his house."

"I know, I was there. It was a friendly gesture."

"Lemme stop you right there," Nikki said. Claire gave her a look as they waited for a cab to pass, then crossed the road. "I've been listening to this saga for a few weeks now, and yeah, it's fun, but it's come to my attention that we need to review."

"Alright, let's review," Claire said with an eye roll.

"This guy is in your life and it's not as a friend or a patient."

"But we are friends."

"Child, listen to me. You see him all the time. He's still got a thing for you, which you kinda sorta return when you feel like it. You asked him to a party with you. You slept on his couch. This could be just friend behavior, but it is not. Not with you two. Deny it. Deny it!"

Claire took another drink from her soda.

"I thought so. I never woulda pegged you as the type to be playin' boys, but here we are."

"What—I'm not playing boys. And it's not even 'boys' plural, it's 'boy' singular." Claire knew for a fact she would have keeled over dead if there were more than one Matt in her life. "And I'm not playing him."

"Okay, yeah, but no. You've been playing hard to get with absolutely zero plans of giving him a li'l somethin' somethin' for his efforts."

"I'm not playing hard to get. I'm not even playing! We didn't work out, end of that story. He's attractive and a good man, but…"

Claire heaved a sigh. She hated thinking about this. It ran through her head at least once a month, and every time it did she felt like crawling into bed and never getting up. Which was at least part of the reason why she didn't let herself get more involved with Matt. They had barely managed to leave the fall out from their last fight behind them. The last thing she wanted was having to deal with months of emotional carnage every time they fought. Which would be often, since Matt was the very definition of 'bull headed' (and she wasn't much better).

"I have no idea how it'd turn out. There's…a lot of stuff going on there."

Nikki, to her credit, didn't push to find out just what stuff was going on. "But you said he likes you! Still! This is not let-it-lie material!"

"Well, we've been doing great so far."

It wasn't the most comfortable thing Claire had done so far, but she and Matt were making things work. She was just his friend that sewed him up and stopped him from bleeding out every other week. That sometimes might have flirted with him (only a little bit) after saying 'they' were not an option. That had pointedly thought about kissing him on two separate occasions after marking that as out of bounds.

Claire sucked in a breath. Okay, sue her, she wasn't perfect. She still had a heap of residual feelings she didn't know what to do with. That was fine. Anyone would feel the same.

Nikki continued on, oblivious to Claire's thoughts. "I'm disinclined to believe you are 'doing great so far', even though you are Claire Temple, Miss Do Right Be Good, Give and Take No Nonsense. You like seeing his puppy dog eyes too much for that. You only mention him once a week."

"One, that's not the case. Two, please. Boy is exhausting," Claire said. Self-righteousness felt a lot better than doubt.

"Mm-hm, peddle somewhere else. You liiiiiike him, stop tarting around and go for it! Everything you've told me says he's got some heat and I know you can take it."

"How about no thanks. You're getting caught up on the wrong thing. He's literally a walking headache, remember?"

Nikki heaved a very vocal huff and stared up at the clouds. "I know, human shaped mess, I remember. But Claire—"

"Nikki, seriously, listen to me. It looks great on paper, I know, but there is a lot involving him that doesn't even fit on the paper. I don't need that sort of stress in my life. I'm not messing around with him."

"So what're you going to do with him liking you? And your own jumbled up rustlings for him?"

"Try my damnedest not to do anything with them."

"That's effed up."

"Yeah, it is," Claire sighed, then took a long drink of Coke.

Maybe Matt's status as a human mess was contagious. Maybe all of this had started to happen because Claire came back and she was now losing her hold on a functional life.

Nikki was quiet for a moment, then looked at Claire. Her expression had shifted from teasing to sincere.

"But Claire…in all seriousness, it feels a bit like you're using him. You're setting all of the expectations of this relationship, and that is not healthy."

"I'm not using him," she said, even as Nikki's words finally sank in. "I just…I'm not. I don't know. We just kind of…dance around each other. He doesn't want boundaries on anything, so of course I'm the one…it's not really the same if—it's not on purpose."

She scowled at the sidewalk. Her interactions with Matt since coming back from Miami played in her head. It hadn't felt like playing with Matt's heart. It felt like picking her way through a mine field.

But then there were the little things that made her pause. Between the times they had been arguing and laughing and talking and acting like normal people, Matt had behaved in a way that was a little more cautious than she might have expected. Him lingering after Mrs. Escamilla's party like he was hoping against hope she would ask him to stay, his nervous relief when they spoke on the phone, the tense way he had settled into the bed beside her, like he had to force each muscle to relax with her right there.

Everything was him testing the ground, easing his way through just as she had. He might have been trying to find a balance between friendship and his own feelings, just as she had. And yet, if Claire thought about it, really thought about it, it felt like Matt was always waiting to see if what he was doing was okay by Claire's standards. Which had not been the most consistent, if she was being honest.

Shit. She had been toying with him.

Nikki gave an understanding sigh.

"Look, I'm not trying to condemn you here," Nikki said, waving her cup around and nearly hitting a passerby in the face. "We all have those relationships where we do weird, morally questionable crap and it's not on purpose. For you, it's taking some power back and having this guy beg for the pleasure of your company on his hands and knees. I get it, strong guys doing the weak thing is hot, you don't have to explain yourself."

"That is not it," Claire said.

She looked away, trying to block Matt's vulnerable, please Claire please face from her mind, and not because she found it attractive like Nikki thought. The context involved too much blood and her leaving him with all of his problems for it to ever be anything but tragic. When faced with all that, Claire almost wished Matt was actually hoping and pleading that she would go to dinner with him. What kind of messed up shit was that?

"I don't wanna get burned again, y'know? This city is barely back on its feet. I'm barely back on my feet. I'm too tired for the uncertainty of a relationship with him."

Nikki held out her hand and made Claire stop. "Okay no. Look at me in my winged eyeliner-ed eyes. You are a woman with an opinion on everything. What's uncertain?"

"Him…coming home beat to shit every night." Him with righteous damnation in unseeing eyes. Him flashing from wounded and apologetic and repentant and self-loathing to wrathful and self-righteous and brutal and single minded in one day. Him casting aside all self-worth and preservation for the sake of purifying a city through holy fire. Him shoving her away because she made him mad or she argued with him or things became too damn difficult for the both of them.

"You're a nurse," Nikki said flatly.

"Which makes it harder! I want to heal him, not patch him up so he can run back out there and get hurt even worse!"

"Alright, that's a fair point. What else?"

"I don't know what he…"

But Claire found she couldn't finish that sentence. She did know what Matt wanted. She knew what he wanted for the city and what he wanted from her. If she gave her permission, if she gave her support…he would treat her like a queen. But she also knew he'd follow his compulsion to absolve sins with black eyes and broken bones until he was physically unable. The ugly darkness in Matt that let him torture gangsters on rooftops and hiss hard words at her in his apartment would not disappear without a fight. No, Matt's behavior was not at all in question.

It was Claire herself that made her uncertain. She had no idea how she would handle wading into all of that and attempting to help him fix it. All she knew was that she had taken one good look at the ugly inside of Matt and backed up fast.

"What do you want, Claire?" Nikki asked as they turned a corner. "What can Mr. Do Good do for you?"

"A lot," Claire sighed. "But he can do a lot against me, too. I don't know where to draw the new lines. I don't know what I'm okay with."

"Well…maybe you shouldn't have to draw lines. At least, not by yourself. I think you better figure out just what it is you want before he gets unhappy and gives up."

Claire gave a noncommittal hmph, but she noticed how the first thought in her head was 'oh please no.' She kept walking with Nikki, trying to ignore the way her insides had clenched up at the thought of losing Matt.

Hell, she needed to sleep.

It had taken Claire a couple of days to follow Nikki's advice, mostly because she had no idea where to start. Every time she thought about Matt, Claire wanted to lie down and cry. Things were so damn complicated. She couldn't be expected to do this. She couldn't tussle out answers and details by herself. And bringing it up with Matt scared the hell out of her, because once she did, once she said the words out loud, they could never come back. If Claire posed the possibility of them becoming real, she could never snatch the thought back. It would be there for forever, staining everything with hopeful or tragic possibility.

Finally, Claire decided that she literally could not wrestle all of the answers out herself. She couldn't thrash out the details of something so huge and complicated like her and Matt. Things had to be taken apart, one piece at a time. So she sat down and started making lists. It made her feel like a high schooler, but Claire liked lists. They told her everything she already knew without the fuss of having to nail down barely tangible ideas. They could be executed with relative ease, they laid out a neat battle plan. Everything from cleaning her apartment to dealing with Matt Freaking Murdock could be put on a list.

She wrote down the two big things she knew. First was that if she wanted to remain just friends with him, she needed to commit to it and stop trying to steal little moments of something else. Second, she did want something more with him, but the only way to get it was to figure it out with him. Which was where the problems were, since Matt was possibly the least reliable person she knew when it came to objective decisions.

So that led her to another list. Pros and cons of being with Matt Murdock. Pros: he was kind, compassionate, brave, attractive, noble, determined. Cons: he was almost self-sacrificial in his methods, zealous once he committed to something (often a dangerous or bad something), had the devil's temper, didn't share details, expected everything or nothing from a relationship Claire imagined to be built on give and take…

(Turned out Claire had been wrong earlier. They were a damn mess on paper.)

Claire tapped her pencil on the pad of paper, thinking. She knew all this, had been tussling with it for months. So now she was left to decide if she was willing to put in the energy to try? Claire had seen more than her fair share of drama already, she wasn't excited to add more.

But maybe that was her problem. Maybe she was just setting them up to fail if she only viewed a relationship with Matt to be blood and drama interspersed with fleeting moments of happiness.

Claire pushed herself up from the table. She could map everything down in a list, expect for Matt's response. She honestly couldn't even pretend to know what that man's reaction would be. That meant, according to her first list, Claire either had to go ask him or walk away.

Sometimes, Claire hated how she painted herself into a corner using her own damn logic.

She knocked on Matt's door the next afternoon, heart almost pounding out of her chest. She waited five agonizing seconds, then raised her hand to knock again. She heard movement from behind the door, though, then it swung open.

"Claire," Matt said, eyebrows raised in surprise. He was still wearing a suit, which caught her by surprise—does he work on Sundays…?—but then she remembered.

Mass. He had probably gone to mass. Great, now she had not only disrupted his Sunday, but she also felt bad for being a failed Catholic.

"Uhm…yeah. Yes. I hope I'm not bothering you, I just…there was something I wanted to talk to you about."

Could she be any more awkward?

Matt was still frowning, but he stepped back to let her in. "Yeah, sure. I'm guessing it's not serious?"

"No…kinda, maybe? We'll see."

Matt trailed her down the hall. An old record player was cranking out a slightly scratched version of 'Take the A Train' next to the wall. Claire felt uncomfortable without her med kit with her. She didn't know how to be around Matt without antiseptic and rubber gloves on hand.

Claire took a few moments to anchor herself while Matt switched off the record player, then turned to her. His expression had gone from confused to concerned.

"Claire…are you okay? Has something happened?"

"Nothing big. No gangbangers staking out my house or anything."

Matt forced a smile to show his relief, but he still didn't seem relaxed. His glasses made him look so reserved, so distant. She wanted to snatch the stupid things off his face so she could see his whole face. Matt may not have been able to use his eyes, but he used them so much. He couldn't hide a thing with a face that expressive.

"I was…I've been thinking…okay, I'm just going to cut to it, because this is probably painful for the both of us. I was thinking about what you said last time we saw each other. And I agreed. I think it's a good idea to see each other because we want to," she told him.

Matt's expression lightened so much in one little second that it nearly broke Claire's heart. Hope and disbelief and excitement all crowded in, bright and wonderful. She forced herself to keep going, though, because this was the most integral part, this was what all of her wondering and waiting and list making had come down to.

"But—but, Matt, I'm scared."

Matt's face was slow to fall, much slower than that lightning flash of joy. Soon, though, he had closed himself off from her completely. Claire didn't let herself linger on how much that hurt.

"I don't know what to expect from us, but I'd like to find out. I'd…if you want to, I'd be…I'd like to date you."

It all felt so awkward and clunky in her mouth, it was actually amazing Matt wasn't flinching from sheer sympathy. He didn't move, though, just kept giving the floor a frown. She wished he would go back to disbelief. Claire chewed on her anxieties for a moment before he spoke.

"You…want there to be an us," he said.

"Yes."

Matt nodded, then walked past her to the table. Claire swallowed back her disappointment and horror. Ideally, he would have been just as excited as before, saying yes, yes, of course he wanted this. His face was still closed off, though, hiding his thoughts from her.

Nikki had called it. She could only wait so long before Matt grew tired of being jerked around.

Claire sucked in a breath and said, "Did you…uhm, have you moved on or something? Am I too late?" She tried to smile as she said it, but it actually hurt to do. She glanced down, hating the thought that Matt could hear every tight swallow, every tense breath.

Matt tipped his face up, considering. It was still clouded over. She tensed as he shook his head.

"No, I haven't moved on. Not like you're thinking."

Claire chewed back her urge to ask 'then what's the problem?'. Matt would say what he wanted. He always did. It just took time.

"What about your reservations?" he asked. "I don't want you to love someone so close to becoming what they hate."

"You're right, you shouldn't."

It was almost funny, the two of them retracing their argument from the opposite side. Neither one of them had dared to address the fight since she had come back, as though it might bring their disagreement flaring back to life and leaving them even worse than when they started. But now, even though they recited the words by heart, it didn't hold any anger or pain.

Matt turned back to her. He wasn't doing much to hide the conflict on his face. He wanted this, he always had. But he wasn't letting himself have it. Why? Why was that?

"What changed?" he asked her. "Why are we suddenly an option on the table?"

"I don't know," she admitted.

Why was he fighting this all of a sudden? Claire had seen his longing every time they met, why was he holding back now?

"It just feels different. I guess…I had time to think. We…I wasn't in a war zone in Miami, so I had time to really think, give myself a fresh start when I got back. And you not…the way you handled Fisk told me a lot."

His face tightened at Fisk's name, but he didn't interrupt her.

"I was scared you might decide the methods justified the actions, and then you wouldn't be better than those you fought, you'd only have a different reason. But you showed that wasn't an issue, or at least, one you could handle. And…and your new suit helps, too. You're not getting hurt as much, so that's good, the city's seeing what you want to do, and I…it was wrong for me to have been stringing you along before I was ready to make a decision. I wanted the satisfaction of being with you without the obligation, and that was really shitty of me. I'm sorry."

"You make it sound like you're a black widow or something," he laughed, but it felt forced. He picked at his cuffs, trying to find the words he wanted to say.

Claire bit the inside of her cheek. She kept playing back her speech in her head, frantic that she had said too much and yet not enough. Claire had never imagined she would have to convince Matt that this would be okay, she had arrogantly thought she could just walk in and ask for whatever she wanted. After all, he'd given her everything she wanted so far (except for his safety and his accepting her advice, but that was an issue for another day).

"I don't think—I appreciate you trying to see differences in me, but Claire, I don't think—I haven't changed. You'd still be walking into a relationship with the same guy as before, and I don't want that for you."

"I'm not saying you're a different person, just that the things I was afraid of…you proved that wouldn't happen."

Claire stared at him, trying to decipher where this had come from. She took a few steps closer, hands raised slightly like he was a caged animal and she might need to defend herself. Matt was clutching the back of the chair behind him, like he needed something to keep him from bolting.

Matt turned his face away and dragged in a breath. "I don't want you to be hurt when…if that's not true."

Claire shook her head. "I don't think it will be."

He huffed out another sigh and pressed a hand to his brow. When he spoke, it was a whisper. "I don't want either of us to be hurt."

Claire sucked in a breath. She hadn't thought about Matt being hurt. Not after they committed to a relationship and decided to be happy. He tolerated physical agony seemingly every day. Emotional pain had never entered into the equation.

Which was stupid. When she looked back, his fear of getting hurt was everywhere. The hesitant questions that felt out the area before he took a step, the way he always built back doors into conversations, the traces of fear on his face when he explained how he saw a world on fire, the desperate attempt to cover up any vulnerability when he asked how long she would stay away from the city, stay away from him.

Claire nodded, trying to buy herself time to find the words. She opened her mouth and Matt raised his head a little.

"What changed?" she asked, staring at him. "Did I…did I do something to make you not want this anymore?"

Matt didn't say anything for a while, instead holding his hands together. It looked like he was pleading. Or praying.

Claire sighed and took a leap. She walked toward the table and sat beside Matt. She pretended not to notice him stiffen as he faced her.

"Come on, Matt, I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me."

He let go of the chair and pressed his fingertips onto the table. Even though he was standing above her he appeared small as he hunched in against himself.

"I…still like you, Claire. But…what if it doesn't work? I can't—I don't wanna lose you because I mess up."

She looked down, a lump forming in her throat because that was too sad. Claire didn't speak out of pity, though, didn't pack on reassurances he didn't want. She put her hand over his, bruised and neglected as it was.

"Please sit, Matt," she said softly.

He hesitated, then eased into a chair. He put his hand back in its previous place, like he was quietly asking her to hold it again.

"I…can't promise that won't happen," Claire said. His shoulders were so tense, drawn up against what she might say. "Last time…there was a lot I didn't know. I still don't know a lot, but I know more than I did."

"And you think this is okay?" he asked. Matt shook his head. She wanted to snatch those damn glasses off once and for all, like they were the barrier that kept them from being happy. "Claire—nothing's changed. I'm still getting hurt and hurting and I won't stop, I can't stop. You know that, more than anyone. I can't give you what you want, and it would be irresponsible of me if said I could. I'm sorry for letting you think this was okay."

Claire dragged in an unsteady breath. He had a point. They hadn't changed. Two and a half months or so didn't leave a lot of room for character revolution. But it certainly did for revelation.

She folded her arms, resisting the urge to grab his shoulders and make him face her. Even if he couldn't see her, she needed to know he was taking this head on.

"What do you want, Matt?"

"I told you what I want."

"And I told you want I want. So why are we not happy?"

He gave a black chuckle and turned back to her. "Because happiness is never that easy."

Claire watched him, heart thumping hard in her ears. She had never seen this sort of defeat on Matt's face. Exhaustion, pain, anger, unhappiness, yes, all of those things, but never defeat. That scared her. Maybe it was because she was opening up her soul to him, genuinely exposing some soft, delicate part of her, but Claire was terrified of the thought of Matt giving up before they even started. If she committed to this and he didn't think they could move on beyond what they were now, Claire knew she would be throwing all of her time and energy and happiness away. She knew what unbalanced relationships looked like, and she had dealt with enough crap already.

For a second she found herself yet again backtracking, reconsidering her declaration. Her protests to Nikki were resurfacing, pointing out that Matt Murdock was not just the charming man people saw on the surface. Even though Claire was strong and capable and a million other things, she refused to be responsible for fixing every part of the man before her.

But like Nikki had said, Claire wouldn't be. Not if she didn't let herself. And she wanted to love Matt, she wanted to love him without a stab of pain in her chest. There had to be some way to do that without micromanaging every damn thing about them and running away. Claire knew she would explode before she could get a handle on all of the problems she and Matt had combined, and she had tried running away already. Which just added threw another brick of shame onto the pile.

What did that say about Claire? She was fine with loving a super powered vigilante that could destroy a man with his hands, but not someone who thought they weren't good enough to be loved? She was fine and willing to help a man torture someone, but not address his own problems? She was fine being with Matt as long as the issues that had been very apparent from the beginning didn't crop up and affect her?

No, she was not that person. Hell yeah, this was scary, but she was not someone that cold.

"I don't believe that," Claire said, injecting every bit of stubborn faith she could muster into her voice. "I refuse to believe we have to give up us because—because it might be hard and it might hurt. I'm sorry for leaving you last time, I was wrong for jumping ship rather than working it out. But I'm telling you now, Matt, that I won't run again. I want to really try. We can take it slow, hell, that's probably what we should do anyway, but I am determined to make this work."

Matt shifted, picking at one of his pockets. He seemed jittery and small, so very different from the swaggery, hellacious, impossible man she was used to dealing with.

"I don't understand why…you'd want this. You're not the problem, Claire, please, I don't want you to think you are. But every time I'm around you it seems like I'm bleeding or causing a problem. These past few months, I keep trying to take something that I'm not supposed to have and I just—it's not fair to make you—why would you want someone like that? Why would you want someone who does something you hate?"

"I don't hate what you do. And the times you're not bleeding have been really nice."

Matt worked his jaw, a grimace flinching out for the barest moment. She knew he could hear her pulse speeding up, but she stayed quiet. He was edgy, despising that he had just poured so many of his fears into her lap all at once.

Claire hated knowing that was how Matt saw himself: a raging mess that could never do anything right. And yet she was horribly, horribly unsurprised. It kind of made sense, really.

She took a slow breath, giving them both a minute. She didn't want to make the mistake of last time, where she had let herself feel hope just before he shot her down and walked away.

But the two moments were very similar, she realized. Matt's face had closed off when she had said she couldn't love someone so damnably close to siding with the devil. He hadn't lashed out when she asked him to change, only when she had brought herself into the equation. Just when she thought he was listening and that she could pull him back, she had stumbled onto the very thing that changed the issue from being about Matt's soul to Claire's well-being.

The thought was so twisted and illogical and Matt that she just wanted to cry.

"I don't wanna mess this up," he said again, this time more of a confession than a warning.

"I know. But I can't promise I won't, either. We have no way of knowing for sure. We just have to try, and Matt, I'm asking you to try with me."

He flashed her a quick, anxious smile. Exhaustion was carved in every one of his features. Claire reached out and brushed his face with her knuckles. On impulse, Matt turned his head and pressed his mouth against her palm. Her stomach flipped as he kept her hand in place with his, eyebrows barely pulling together out of longing and more than a little fear.

Claire broke into a wide smile, tears pricking her eyes as the tenderness of the gesture seeped up her arm and into her chest.

God help Matthew Murdock, she found herself praying. He looks so afraid.

AN I know we all hound Matt a lot because of his issues, but I think it's very important for us to recognize that Claire isn't this shining saint, either. She had her own baggage and problems, even though we don't see them in the show. They both need to address what's going on and work through it together if they ever want to make this work, which is part of the reason why it's taken so long for them to become an actual thing in this story. I love fluff and cuddles as much as the next man, but I love them even more when they've been earned :)