Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
A/N: Hopefully you all are still enjoying this story! Things are going to start moving faster starting in chapter 4…
Chapter 3
Lucy splashed some water on her face the next morning in an attempt to feel refreshed. While she had miraculously gotten some sleep, most of her dreams revolved around Carter. She thought back to what happened last night.
Lucy pulled her underwear back up and readjusted her dress, noticing that Carter was readjusting his clothes too. In a very weak moment she destroyed all the progress she had made of getting over her feelings for him. She was going to have to start back at square one again. Sex with him was always incredible. This time was no different, even though they were in a public bathroom. But it was still a mistake.
When she thought about it, it seemed like their relationship was doomed from the beginning. There was no reason to believe that the problems in their relationship could magically be solved several years later. She could feel her anxiety levels rise as the seconds ticked by and realized she had to get out of there.
It seemed Carter had other ideas though. He was smiling at her, gently cupping her face with his hands and placing a kiss on her forehead.
"What's going on inside that pretty head of yours?" He asked, staring into her eyes. "You look like you're panicking."
"I've got to get going." She blurted out abruptly. She was staring into his eyes too and what she saw scared her. He was right when he said she was panicking. She could have sworn she saw love reflected in his gaze. Unable to handle that, she had to get away as soon as possible. "I need to be fresh for the surgery tomorrow."
"Ok." He nodded. "But shouldn't we talk about what just happened?"
She shook her head, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. "Uh…no. I don't think so. We're both adults and this kind of thing happens sometimes so no." She reached for the door handle of the bathroom, stopping when Carter put his hand over hers.
"Luce…c'mon. I'd like to talk about it." Carter said softly. "Please don't run off."
"Not now Carter." She said, opening the door and practically sprinting out of the diner.
She knew it wasn't right for her to just leave like that. And she knew she would eventually have to talk to him about what happened. But what was she supposed to say? He caught her in a weak moment where they were getting along and she let her hormones get the better of her. She acted like a teenager with no self-control and it was embarrassing. But they had fundamental problems in their previous relationship, the kind of problems that don't just go away after sex.
Opening herself up to Carter again was dangerous. The last time she did it, it nearly destroyed her. He nearly destroyed her. She remembered one night right before they broke up. They had argued on the roof and Romano found her there crying.
"Ms. Knight, pardon me for being so blunt, but I did not spend all that time and effort to make sure you didn't die on the operating table that night for the express purpose of watching you cry on the roof over a boy." Romano chastised her.
She shook her head, looking over at him and rolling her eyes. "It's not over a boy, Dr. Romano. It's over Carter."
He laughed. "Exactly my point. You're crying over a boy." He sighed. "Ms. Knight, you're going to find this lesson out eventually but let me help you out. Any male who leaves a woman crying alone in the cold over them is a boy, not a man. A real man would stay, try to calm you down, or at the very least insist you get out of the cold. Since Carter didn't do any of those things, he is therefore a boy and not worth another one of your tears."
"With all due respect, you don't understand." Lucy said, starting to stop her tears. It was embarrassing to be crying in front of Dr. Romano. "I love him."
"I'm sure you do." He conceded. "But you have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to be treated by someone you love."
"He's just upset because of his grandmother's death."
"I'm sure that is upsetting." He reasoned. "Do you want some more free advice before I start charging you?"
She couldn't help but chuckle. "Sure."
"You are young, talented and beautiful. Thanks to me and Lizzie, you have your whole life ahead of you. I'd take this time to focus on your career." He paused for a moment. "What kind of doctor do you want to be?"
She didn't have to think twice before answering. "A surgeon. I want to specialize in cardio-thoracic surgery." She had made that decision shortly after the attack once she found out everything Dr. Romano and Elizabeth had to do to keep her alive. It was beyond fascinating and she wanted to be able to do it for other people.
He couldn't help but smile. "Wow, one of the hardest specialties. I wasn't expecting that. Ok. If you are serious, then I may have an opportunity for you with a buddy of mine from college. He is the second best cardio-thoracic surgeon in the country, with me being number one of course."
She smiled and tried not to laugh. "Of course."
"He runs a program in St. Louis. Are you interested?"
She looked at him strangely. "Maybe. But why are you being so nice to me?"
He sighed. "I know I have a reputation for being a son of bitch around here. People don't like me and that's alright. Truthfully, I embrace it because it works for me. But I like you Lucy. I see a great potential in you that I haven't seen before in anyone except Lizzie. I'll make some calls to my buddy and see if something can be worked out. Then you can make your decision."
"Thank you." She told him, really meaning it. Going to St. Louis may be good for her career but wouldn't be good for her relationship with Carter. Though to be honest, she wasn't sure her relationship with Carter was going to last anyway. Maybe she should listen to Romano and focus on her career.
"No need to thank me." Romano grinned. "Just don't let on to the others that I may actually have a heart."
She laughed. "Deal."
"Now please get out of this cold." He chuckled, holding the door to the roof open for her.
She splashed water on her face one more time. Today was important. She could deal with Carter later. Right now, she had to clear her mind.
When Lucy entered Rebecca's room, she saw Romano kissing her on the forehead. "Oops. Sorry to interrupt."
They both looked over.
"It's ok." Rebecca smiled.
"Yeah." Romano agreed. "It's ok. I should probably get changed into scrubs anyway."
Lucy looked at him strangely. "Scrubs?"
"So I can be in the operating room." Romano proclaimed.
"When did we decide that?" Lucy chuckled.
"I just assumed…"
"I'm not sure that's the best idea though." Lucy interrupted. "You have this nasty little habit of backseat surgeoning."
Rebecca laughed, causing Romano to look back at her.
He then looked back at Lucy. "Backseat surgeoning?"
"Yeah." She laughed. "I don't want you to be in there questioning every move I make or don't make. Remember when you came and observed one of my surgeries in St. Louis? You wouldn't stop talking about how you would do this or wouldn't do that."
"What if I promise to be as quiet as a church mouse?" Romano asked.
Lucy sighed, then looked over at Rebecca. "What do you think?"
"I think you could always let him observe but then reserve the right to kick him out if he starts getting on your nerves." Rebecca answered.
Lucy nodded. "That seems like a fair compromise."
"Thank you." Romano nodded. "I'll see you in surgery." He went back and gave Rebecca one more kiss. "You'll be fine."
"I know." Rebecca told him, watching him leave. "Thanks for letting him inside the OR. He is more nervous than he wants to admit."
"I can tell." Lucy nodded, going to sit on her bedside. "Are you nervous?"
"I'm having open heart surgery." Rebecca laughed. "What do you think?"
Lucy smiled, taking her friends' hand. "I got this. It'll be a piece of cake."
"Mmn…a piece of cake." Rebecca groaned. "I'm so hungry."
"You can have all the cake you want once you are out of recovery." Lucy smiled.
"Can you promise me something?"
"Of course." Lucy agreed. "What is it?"
"If something should happen during the surgery…"
"Don't think like that!" Lucy interrupted her.
"Lucy, I'm having heart surgery. A million things could wrong. Just please promise me that if the worst does happen you will look after Robert? You know he thinks of you like a daughter. Just please promise me you won't let him…"
"I promise." Lucy agreed. "But it is a moot point because nothing is going to go wrong. You will be fine."
"Thank you Lucy."
She noticed Rebecca was studying her face. "What?"
"You…" Rebecca said. "There's something different." Her eyes went wide. "OMG, you had sex with Carter last night, didn't you?"
"What?" Lucy practically screeched. "How the hell can you tell…I mean, no."
Rebecca laughed. "You did, didn't you?"
"Yeah." Lucy sighed, knowing she couldn't lie about it now. "How could you tell?"
"Your skin is glowing a little, and there is a look of pure panic in your eyes." Rebecca explained.
"Seriously?" Lucy questioned. First Carter noticed she was panicking and now Rebecca? "I thought I had conquered the look of pure panic this morning."
"Sorry, but I can still see it." Rebecca chuckled. "So what happened?"
"I'm so embarrassed." She put her head in her hands. "It's a long story but it ends with us having sex in the bathroom of a diner."
Rebecca laughed loudly. "Oh my god! I have got to hear this story!"
Thankfully for Lucy, the pre-op nurses came in at that moment. "Thank God! I'm saved by the nurses!" Lucy exclaimed. "Are you ready to go up?"
"Yeah, I guess." Rebecca groaned. "But you still owe me that story."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Lucy sighed. "I'll tell you later."
"I'm going to hold you to that!"
"Alright everyone! Let's get this party started!" Lucy announced as she approached the surgical table in her mask, gown and gloves. "How is the patient?"
"She is pleasantly dreaming by now." Dr. Babcock, the anesthesiologist answered.
"Good." Lucy smiled. "Is everybody ready?" She looked over at Romano while everyone said they were prepared. He gave her a small nod.
"Ok." Lucy released a deep breath. "Scalpel please." The nurse handed her the instrument. "Let's record the first cut. Starting at 7:25"
It was relatively easy to get Rebecca's surgery started and to place her heart on bypass. Everything was going as expected until she got in there and saw the damage for herself. "Shit." She whispered as softly as possible. She had been working for over an hour to get the damage repaired, trying every trick up her sleeve. But it was no use.
"Ok. We need to prepare for the Ross procedure." Lucy asked.
"You can't fix it the traditional way?" Romano spoke up.
Lucy had to hand it to him. Until now, he had been patient and quiet. Without tearing her eyes away from the work in front of her, she replied. "No. I can't. There's just too much damage."
"Dammit Lucy! I really thought you would be able to just repair it."
Romano was starting to get more agitated and Lucy took a deep breath. He wasn't the only one who thought she would be able to repair it. She thought the same thing. But there was damage that didn't show up on the previous tests. "Well I can't. So the next step is to try the Ross procedure and try to autograft it from the aortic valve. How is the patient doing? Any signs of distress?"
"Not a single sign of distress." Dr. Babcock replied.
"Good. Let's keep it that way." Lucy looked at the new instruments in front of her. She knew that every moment she wasted was another moment for this operation to go south. So she had to be quick but precise. "Ok. Let's get started."
Lucy looked at the clock and grimaced when she saw how much time had passed. She then let her eyes meet Romano's. "We're gonna have to do a full replacement."
"What the hell is going on over there Lucy?" Romano yelled.
"This graft isn't sticking." Lucy replied, trying again to make it work.
"Why isn't it sticking?" Romano questioned.
"If I knew that, I would be able to figure out a way around it." Lucy replied. "But no matter what I do, it will not stick."
"Well are you doing a mechanical or a biologic valve?" Romano questioned further.
"The On-X aortic mechanical valve. That's what we agreed upon." Lucy replied.
"Damn it! Lucy! We didn't agree on anything about this!" Romano yelled.
"Rebecca and I agreed." Lucy sighed. "I went over it with her before I came here."
"I should have been a part of that conversation." Romano insisted.
"I'm sorry you weren't consulted." Lucy apologized, looking over at him. "She wanted to make the decision herself."
"This is bullshit." Romano said.
"If you're going to be like this, I think you need to leave." Lucy told him, glad they brought in the valve so she could get started.
"Fine." He conceded. "I'll leave, but you better not kill her."
Lucy watched him stalk out of the OR. His words and anger hurt, but she could focus on that later. Right now she still had a job to do. She looked at the other people with her, who looked shocked at his outburst. "Show's over, folks. You heard Romano, let's get back to work and not kill her."
Lucy looked over the chart on the iPad and sighed. The surgery, which should have only taken four hours, ended up taking closer to six. But at least she was able to get the valve replaced and now Rebecca was in the Surgical Recovery ICU. Everything so far looked good.
It wasn't fun to watch her friend have to be on a breathing tube and hooked up to a bunch of different machines, but she consoled herself that once Rebecca woke up they could start taking some of the machines away.
She heard the glass door to Rebecca's room slide open. Although she had her back to the door, she knew who came in. "I didn't kill her." Lucy stated mater of factly.
"Lucy…" Romano sighed.
"It doesn't matter." Lucy replied, because at this moment it truly didn't matter. "I'll leave you alone for a bit." She left the room before he had a chance to object. Walking down the hallway, she finally settled on a chair. Sitting down, she let out a heavy sigh. Then she took off her scrub cap, leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes.
It was only a few moments later that she felt someone sit next to her. Turning, she opened one eye. It was Carter. He was smiling at her with a goofy grin. "You look way too happy."
He laughed. "And you look way too under-caffeinated." He retorted. "Here. I brought you a coffee."
She sat up and noticed the cup in his hand. "Thank you." She said softly as she took the cup.
"I heard that the surgery went well and that you are a rock star." Carter told her. "Everyone is talking about it."
She took a sip of the warm coffee and scoffed. "I don't know about being a rock star. I couldn't salvage her valve and had to do a replacement. Everything I tried in there to repair it just didn't work."
"I'm sure you did everything you could though. That makes you a rock star to me." He smiled.
She looked over at him. He looked so happy right now. A part of her just wanted to burrow into his arms and never come out. But she couldn't do that. They had to talk about last night. "Carter, look…about last night."
"We don't have to talk about it right now." He insisted.
It wasn't like him to change his mind about things like that. "I thought you wanted to talk about it."
"I changed my mind." He announced. "We don't need to over-analyze what it may or may not mean right now."
"Ok." She nodded. "I should probably go check on Rebecca. Thank you for the coffee though." Without thinking, she gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Do you want to have dinner tonight?" He asked.
"I…"
"I'm not taking no for an answer." He warned.
"I just don't want to leave the hospital yet." She thought maybe that would deter him.
"We can have dinner here then." He suggested. "And I guarantee it will not be hospital food."
She stood up and gave him a small smile. "I guess my answer is yes then."
"Great. How about I meet you back here around 7?" He smiled, getting up and kissing her on the forehead.
"I'll see you then." She watched as he left, wondering what she had gotten herself into now. But she would worry about that later. First thing she needed to do was check on Rebecca. She softly entered the room, noticing that Romano was in the chair next to her bed, stroking her hand and whispering something to her. She turned to leave sine it seemed like a private moment but Romano turned around.
"Lucy, wait." He called out.
"I can come back." She told him.
"Please stay." He asked in a gentle tone.
He watched her as she walked over to the other side of Rebecca's bed. She could still feel his eyes on her as she checked the various machines.
"I have to apologize for my behavior in the OR." He started. "It wasn't fair of me to blame you for what happened or Rebecca shutting me out of the decision making process."
"No, it wasn't." Lucy conceded. "I know you're worried about her. You have every right to be. But that behavior…that is why they don't allow people to operate on their loved ones. That is why I should have stuck to my guns and not let you in there in the first place. You couldn't be objective and you let your emotions get in the way."
"You're right." Romano chuckled. "Are we ok?"
"Of course we are." She chuckled softly. "It would take more than one lousy outburst to scare me away."
"Good." He smiled. "Because I need a favor."
She scoffed. "Another one?"
"Yes, another one." Romano rolled his eyes. "I don't want to wait to marry her."
"Well you have to wait until she is at least conscious." Lucy teased.
"Thank you Ms. Knight for that brilliant analysis."
"You're welcome." She smirked.
"What I'm saying, is I know she wanted to elope. And I know she didn't understand why I wanted a bigger wedding."
"I don't understand that either, just for the record." Lucy pointed out.
"If you'll be quiet for a moment I will explain it." Romano sighed in an overly-exaggerated way. "All my adult life I've had my career to make me happy. And that used to be enough. It was ok to just have pride in my work and get enjoyment from that. But then you just had to go and introduce me to Rebecca. And I fell very hard and very fast for her. By some miracle she can actually put up me."
"A part of me wanted a big wedding as a way to throw up my middle finger to everyone around here and show them that although I've been a bastard to most of them…there was someone in the world who truly loved me."
"Oh." Lucy nodded. "That makes sense."
"But I don't need that kind of validation. I just need her." He looked at Rebecca and brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear.
"So what is this vague favor you want to ask me for now?" Lucy asked.
"I want you to help me arrange a wedding as soon as possible." Romano answered.
"Like in a week when she gets out of the hospital?" She asked, unsure of when he meant.
"No. Like tomorrow or the next day." Romano corrected her.
"That soon?" Lucy questioned.
"Yes." He nodded.
"Ok." She conceded.
"And I want it to be a surprise." He added.
Lucy smiled. She had a feeling Rebecca would love this surprise. "I'll take care of everything."
"Thank you." Romano smiled back at her.
A few hours later, Rebecca started to stir. Lucy was keeping watch over her, while Romano was snoring softly in the chair. When Lucy noticed the hand movements, she smiled and threw her empty coffee cup at Romano's head. "Hey. Wake up!"
"I'm awake." Romano grumbled. Then he looked over at Rebecca. "Hey."
Lucy started checking her vitals and pulse ox. Then she leaned over. "Rebecca, you can't talk because of the breathing tube. Your vitals look ok though. Do you want to try and take it out?"
Rebecca nodded.
"Ok. Hold on." Lucy put on a pair of gloves. "Ok. On the count of three I need you to cough. One…two…three…" When she heard Rebecca cough, she pulled the breathing tube out. "Better?"
"Yes." Rebecca whispered.
Romano already had a cup of water with a straw ready and let her drink a little. "You made it."
"Of course." Rebecca smiled. "Was there ever any doubt?"
"Never." Lucy smiled.