Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

A/N: Hopefully those of you still reading are still enjoying this story!

Chapter Four

"And that's how it happened." Lucy closed her eyes and shook her head out of embarrassment as she finished telling Rebecca the story of how she found herself having sex with Carter in the bathroom of a diner.

"Wow." Rebecca stated. "So have you lied to him and told him it didn't mean anything yet?"

Lucy looked at her friend with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I've known you for several years now. And one of the things I know with absolute certainty is that you are still 100% in love with John Carter. There hasn't been a day I've known you that you haven't been, and there won't be a day where you aren't." Rebecca explained. "But I also know that because of your past with him you are deathly afraid of admitting it to him or anyone else. So therefore you will lie to him and tell him it means nothing. Am I right?"

Lucy begrudgingly nodded and chuckled. "Sometimes I wish you didn't know me so well. When did you get so wise?"

"I don't have all the answers Lucy." Rebecca told her. "I could be wrong to encourage you to go for it with Carter. Or I could be right. But if I had a choice between being miserable without the man I love or attempting to be with the man I love…well personally I would do whatever I could to be with the man I love."

"You already did by moving to Chicago." Lucy pointed out.

"Very true!" Rebecca smiled. "Just please consider letting go of your fear and giving Carter another chance?"

"I'll think about it." Lucy conceded. "So how are you feeling?"

"Ok I guess, considering." Rebecca replied. "I still don't understand why you have to keep bending my legs like that though You've been doing it for a half hour now."

"It's to reduce the risk of a clot." Lucy explained with a laugh. "It's the same reason why you have these fancy hose on." Lucy was going to ask her friend something else when Romano came back into the room.

"Hey." He greeted, going over to the other side of her bed. "Did I interrupt girl talk?"

"Yeah. But it was nothing important." Lucy shrugged. She checked her watch and saw it was quarter to seven. "Well you look like you are in very capable hands so I am going to do a couple things and I'll be back later." She smiled at both Romano and Rebecca. "I won't be far though so just page me if you need me."

"We'll be fine." Romano assured her.

"Hey Lucy?" Rebecca called out, making her turn around.

"Yeah?" Lucy asked.

"Thank you." Rebecca smiled.

"You're welcome." She smiled back. Lucy left Rebecca's room and then headed to Romano's office. He let her keep her bag in there and she needed some of the stuff in the bag to get ready for her dinner with Carter. She would have to settle for jeans and the t-shirt she brought, but it was better than scrubs. And at least she had a hair brush, some deodorant and concealer. So she could redo her ponytail, keep from smelling bad and try to hide the dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep.

It only took her ten minutes to get to Romano's office, change and then get back to the surgical ICU hallway to meet Carter. She thought about what Rebecca said and wondered if maybe she shouldn't lie to Carter and tell him that last night meant nothing to her. In theory it sounded like a great plan. But was she brave enough to do it?

And if she did admit that it meant something to her, then what? As stupid as it sounded, she was still hurt by the things he said to her before they broke up. The words echoed in her brain sometimes when things were too quiet and she would let her mind wander to him. Then there was also the fact that they lived in two different states.

The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced she needed to put a stop to this, whatever it was that was going on. It had gone too far already. She had to tell him that she didn't are about him, even though that was a big lie. She would just get through the rest of her time in Chicago and then go home. Once back home, she would forget about Carter once and for all.

The doors opened and Carter strolled through wearing a smile. She couldn't help but smile back. It was like he was contagious. One look at him and everything she convinced herself flew out the window.

"How is Rebecca?" He asked, stopping right in front of her.

"She's doing well." Lucy nodded, surprised that he asked about her. It meant a lot to her that he would ask.

"Are you ready for dinner?" He held out his arm for her to take.

"Of course." She chuckled, linking her arm as they started to walk. "So if we aren't having cafeteria food but we are staying in the hospital, then what are we doing?"

"You'll see." He led her to the elevator. "Ladies first."

She got into the elevator and watched as he got in and pushed the button for the roof. "Now I see what you have in mind."

"I always have a few tricks up my sleeve." He assured her.

The elevator ride was short, but to her it lagged on forever. She was close enough to him to smell his cologne and realized that today he was wearing her favorite scent. He wasn't wearing it yesterday, which meant that he put it on today on purpose. She could feel her resolve weakening with every moment she was close to him.

The doors dinged and they got out. He then led her to the other side of the roof, away from the helipad. There was a blanket spread out, with a picnic basket and food.

"You did all of this?" Lucy asked, going over and sitting on the blanket. It was then she saw that he brought Chinese food. It reminded her of their first date.

"I thought if you couldn't go to the Chinese place, I'd bring it to you." He said, sitting next to her.

"That's sweet of you." She said. Before she knew what was happening, he was leaning in closer. Their lips touched and he gently cradled her face. Although she had things she wanted to say, her mind went blank. She didn't stop kissing him as she moved, finding herself lying on her back. His hands roamed around her body as they kissed and she shivered when one of his hands found their way underneath her shirt.

His touch made her mind work again and she put her hand on his chest. This made him stop. Both were out of breath. She moved to sit up again. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He shook his head as he sat up again.

"I don't know what to say anymore." She admitted.

"Me either." He admitted.

"Last night…I'm embarrassed about it." She blushed. "I don't…I haven't done something like that before. I want you to know I don't drag guys into public bathrooms on a regular basis."

"I don't either." He chimed in with a grin.

"But there is something about you that makes me lose all control." Lucy told him. "I get around you and I forget everything that has happened and I forget that we didn't work out as a couple. I just see you and then my mind goes blank."

That was why being around him was so dangerous. She forgot everything that happened and all of the pain. She forgot how she was treated by him and could only focus on her feelings. Deep down she knew she was just using any reason possible to run away in a futile effort to protect herself. But she couldn't help herself. How were they supposed to make their relationship work now when they couldn't so many years ago? What could have changed?

He should have known better than to kiss her like that tonight. He could only imagine what she thought of him now. She must think he was some kind of sex-crazed guy. To be honest though, that wasn't too far from the truth. When Lucy admitted she loses control around him, he felt more at ease. That was the same way he felt around her.

"If it helps any, I feel the exact same way." He declared. "I don't see the pain of the past. I just see you."

"But the past existed." She pointed out.

"Yeah." He nodded. There was nothing they could do to erase it or pretend it didn't happen. He still foolishly wished for such a thing to exist. "Lucy, last night…"

"It was a mistake that shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry that I let it get this out of control." She interrupted, finishing his sentence.

"Why do you say that?" He asked, confused.

"Last night, all we did was forget about the past." She reasoned. "But the past happened. I can't keep forgetting about the past and neither can you."

"Then let's talk about it and get past it." He suggested.

"Even if we could get past what happened, I think we would be better off as friends."

"You want to be friends?" He didn't want to be friends. He wanted more than that. And while he could understand how she wouldn't believe that, he thought he might have a chance to make her believe it.

"Yes." She nodded. "We have a very complicated history, and I don't see a romantic future for us."

He felt his heart sink when she said she didn't see them having a romantic future. All of his dreams revolved around them having a future. He was starting to think that it was fate Romano called her in to do Rebecca's surgery because it brought her back into his life. "You want to be just friends and nothing more?" He checked.

"Yes."

"I don't want to be friends. I still love you Lucy. I never stopped." He proclaimed loudly.

She was quiet for a moment before talking again. "I'm not in love with you though."

He was starting to get angry now. He could tell it was a lie. Her eyes gave her away every time she tried to lie. He couldn't help himself from saying this next thing. "Damn it Lucy! You always do this. You always try to run away when things get hard or uncomfortable. You've done it time and time again. But I'm done running after you. I'm tired of it."

"When did you run after me?" She scoffed. "I left for St. Louis and you didn't try to stop me or anything. So don't give me that crap about running after me."

"In your note you told me not to follow you and you didn't tell me where you going. You just said you wanted me to leave you alone. What was I supposed to do?" Carter asked.

"You were supposed to fight for me! You were supposed to protect me!" Lucy screamed.

"Are we really going back to the night of the attack?" He sighed. "Why does everything always have go back to that night?"

"Maybe because that night changed our lives forever?" She guessed, her voice growing softer. "But I'm not talking about that night. I'm talking about what happened at your grandmother's memorial service. You said you loved me. I thought loving someone meant you would protect and defend them. I was obviously wrong though because you didn't do that. You actually joined in."

He hung his head. "Damn it Lucy…I was…I was grieving. I didn't know what the hell I was saying, and then the next thing I know you were gone! You didn't even give me a chance to apologize!"

"You were cruel." She corrected him as tears appeared in her eyes. "You knew exactly what words to say to hurt me the most. You took all of my insecurities and worst fears and threw them right back in my face. Grieving or not, that was low."

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "If I could go back and change things, I would. But I can't."

"No." She agreed. "You can't change the past."

"We can work through this though." He told her, hoping she would see that. He was certain she still loved him and he knew he still loved her. There had to be a way to repair it.

"I don't think we can." She stood up. "I'm sorry John."

He stood up as well, watching as she practically sprinted away from him. "Lucy! Stop running away from me!" Although he called after her, she didn't stop. He was conflicted. A part of him wanted to run after her, while another part of him thought maybe she just needed some time. Sighing, he walked over to the edge of the roof and looked out at the city. She was completely right. He was cruel to her at his Gamma's memorial service and he should have protected her better. There was no defense good enough for his behavior.

Lucy used the time in the elevator to compose herself and dry her tears. Telling him that she didn't love him was the biggest lie she had told in her whole life. But it had to be done. Right?

She knew she couldn't go back to Rebecca's room yet because she was still too upset. It would raise too many questions that she didn't want to answer. So she decided to go down to the ER. Maybe she could go over to Doc Magoo's for old times' sake. The elevator dinged and she got out. She didn't have time earlier today to walk around the ER before Romano dragged her upstairs so she took her time and walked around.

Thankfully the temporary id badge Romano had gotten for her earlier meant she could walk around the ER without being bothered. She nodded hello to some of the nurses she knew who were working and found herself standing in front of trauma room 2. There wasn't anyone in there at the moment so she went inside. Looking around, she remembered the last time she was in this room.

Lucy helped roll the gurney into the trauma room. "Ok, let's get her hooked up to the monitors and an IV in. I want a complete lab workup, CBC, Chem 7, blood gas, everything." She looked over at Carter, who was hooking up the heart monitor. "Carter, what happened?"

"Gamma…we were talking…she said her head hurt and she got dizzy. Then she just passed out." He replied, putting the last part of the heart monitor on her.

"Ok." Lucy sighed. She hated to admit it out loud but it sounded like maybe a stroke. Before she had a chance to say anything else, alarms started blazing and Millicent started seizing. Moments later, she started to vomit too. "Ok. Get 10 of diazepam pushed in the IV and let's roll her." She looked over at Carter. "You should probably leave the room."

"I'm not leaving." Carter insisted.

"Carter…this is your grandmother." She stated. "You can't be treating her."

"Fine." He sighed, throwing up his hands in defeat. "But I'm staying in the room."

She could live with that compromise. Once the seizure stopped, they rolled Millicent back. "Let's protect her airway. Get me a 7.5." She worked quickly to get the breathing tube in and had Chuny start bagging her. She looked at the monitors and knew she had to get a CT to see what they were dealing with. But she knew in her heart it was a stroke.

Before she could order the CT, the alarms on the monitors went off again.

"She's in V-fib." Chuny announced.

"Keep bagging her." Lucy commanded as she started CPR. "Let get a round of Epi in and start charging the paddles to 300."

"Paddles are charged." Chuny told her.

"Ok. Everyone clear." Lucy used the paddles to shock Millicent. She stared at the monitor and saw that it didn't have any effect. "Charge em again." She went back to doing CPR until it was charged up again. "Ok clear!" She shocked Millicent again but there was no response.

"Charge to 350 and give another round of Epi." Lucy commanded. The paddles charged quickly and she shocked the woman again.

"There's no change." Chuny reminded her.

"Again!" Lucy commanded, looking over at Carter. There was a lost look on his face that she had never seen before and it broke her heart. She only vaguely noticed Dr. Greene standing next to him, though she had no idea when he arrived.

The paddles were charged so she called, "Clear!" But there was no change on the monitor. "Another round of Epi. Let's charge it to 400 this time."

"Clear!" She shocked the woman again, noting there was still no change.

"Asystole." Chuny announced.

Lucy didn't feel like she could stop, even though the voice in her head told her that the woman was already gone. "Again!"

"Lucy!" Dr. Greene called out. "No."

"Dr. Greene…" She started CPR again, only stopping when he touched her arm. "I can't…"

"I know." He nodded sympathetically. "But you have to call it."

Lucy looked over at Carter, who had his head hung down. Then she looked at the clock. With a tremble in her voice she reluctantly called it. "Time of death, 13:54." When she looked over to see Carter again, he was gone.

"Lucy?"

A voice called her name and she turned to see Morris standing in front of her. "You ok?" He asked.

She laughed. "No, I don't think I am anymore."

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"It's nothing." She shrugged, seeing him look at his watch.

"I thought you and Carter were having dinner. Is it already over?"

"It was over before it began." She sighed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. "I have been told on several occasions that I am a wonderful listener."

She couldn't help but smile. "I don't know…you're friends with Carter. It might be weird and a conflict of interest."

"Ok." He nodded. "Just let me know if you change your mind."

"Thanks." She said as her pager went off. There was only one person in this hospital that had her pager number. 911 was the message. "Shit!" She didn't even say bye to Morris, just started running. She didn't wait for the elevator, instead she opted to run up several flights of stairs. She pushed her way through the doors of the surgical ICU and headed towards Rebecca's room, stopping in the doorway as she looked inside and saw her worst nightmare.

The machines were droning with the dreaded continuous monotone. Doctors and nurses were surrounding the bed, charging the paddles and doing CPR. Romano was in the corner, looking on helplessly.

She wanted to jump in and somehow save the day, but her feet seemed glued to the floor. She watched as they tried to shock her three more times. But it didn't work.

"I'm sorry Dr. Romano." The doctor sighed. "Time of death, 20:24."

"EVERYONE OUT!" Romano roared. "NOW!"

She moved out of the way for everyone to leave, unsure if that meant her too or not. She stayed quiet, afraid to cry or speak. One thought kept repeating over and over in her brain. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening.

When she left to go have dinner with Carter, Rebecca was fine. All of her post-surgery films and labs looked great. She was talking and laughing. There was nothing that suggested this would happen. And now…she was dead. She had been staring at Rebecca until she heard a loud crash. It made her jump and she looked over to see Romano throwing things across the room. Trays, chairs and other objects fell as they hit the floor.

She went over to Rebecca and took out the breathing tube slowly. Then she pulled the sheet up to her chest and gently placed her arms on the outside of the sheet. She kissed Rebecca's forehead.

She then looked over at Romano, who was sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest and his head in his hands. Without saying a word, she sat down next to him. A few moments later, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder and brought his head to rest on her shoulder.

It didn't take long for him to start crying.

Carter stood in the doorway, watching the scene play out in front of him. Lucy and Romano were huddled on the floor together. They looked like they were holding on to each other for dear life. Lucy was sitting with an unreadable expression on her face, while Romano was sobbing. The sight of Dr. Romano crying was jarring. He looked at the bed, where Rebecca was and felt bad for them.

He was downstairs getting ready to see a patient when Morris stopped him and told him about the page Lucy had received. When he found out how upset she seemed, he knew it had to do with Rebecca so he rushed up here. He wasn't sure how long he had been in the doorway.

He looked back at Lucy and Romano, realizing that they were staring right at him.

Without a word, Lucy untangled herself from Romano and slowly walked over to him. He thought about what he could possibly say to her, but anything he came up with sounded lame and hollow.

She stopped right in front of him, staring at his face for a moment. Then she put her hand on his chest and shoved him out of the room. Before he knew what was happening he found himself flat on the floor. He got back up and saw the door to the room was slid shut right in his face.