Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
Chapter Five
Lucy got up from the chair and slowly folded the blanket she used last night. After a few hours, she managed to get Romano to finally leave the hospital. She used his car to drive them back to his place…the one he had shared with Rebecca. She got him settled into bed and then came downstairs.
She didn't want to leave him alone so she stayed out of his way. She paced for most of the night, occasionally staring at the various pictures in the living room of Romano and Rebecca that hung on the walls and mantle. There was also one of the three of them from a dinner they shared while in St. Louis.
Sleep didn't come last night. While pacing, she replayed the surgery and everything that followed afterwards in her head over and over. She tried to think of something she missed, something that she did wrong so she could understand Rebecca's death. There had to be something she did wrong. But she was no closer in finding the answers now than she was last night.
She still hadn't cried either, but she attributed that to the promise she made Rebecca about taking care of Romano. She had to make sure he was taken care of first. Then she could fall apart. She had a suspicion that if she started to cry now, she wouldn't stop. And there was too much to do.
She decided last night that she would take care of planning the funeral so he didn't have to do that. She would have to make lists of everything that needed to be done so that she didn't forget anything.
But first she needed coffee.
She went to the kitchen and started to make a cup of coffee. Finding a pad of paper and pen on the refrigerator, she made her to do list. Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't notice Romano entering the room until he spoke.
"You didn't have to stay." He said quietly.
"I didn't mind." She told him. "Coffee is almost ready."
"Thanks." He nodded. "Doesn't feel real yet, does it?"
"No." She answered. "I'm going to plan the funeral for you. It's the least I can do."
"I think I will take you up on that offer, Ms. Knight." He replied, pouring both of them a cup of coffee.
She took a good look at him. He looked worn out, but worse than that. He looked completely defeated and dejected, as if the world had stomped out the happiness in his life. It wasn't the world that took his happiness away though. It was her. She had to have done something wrong in the surgery and now her friend and his love was gone.
"Did you get any rest last night?" She asked, taking a long drink.
"Not much." He shook his head. "The sheets still smell of her perfume."
She nodded slowly. She could only imagine how painful that must be for him.
Romano left the room for a moment and came back with a small book. "This was her address book." He laughed softly. "While other people kept that information in their phones, she still used the old fashioned address book approach." He touched the cover before he handed it to her. "This will help with the guest list."
"Thank you." She said, taking the book. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No." He shook his head, leaving the kitchen.
She watched and followed as he went to the living room and sat on the couch. Unsure what to do in this situation, she decided to leave and give him some time to process everything. "I guess I'll be back later, ok? And call me if you think of something you need."
"I'll be fine." Romano replied, not looking over at her.
She doubted he would be fine, but would have to trust that he could take care of himself for a while. She would come back later and check on him. Maybe she could bring him some lunch from his favorite deli to make sure he ate something.
Picking up her jacket and bag, she quietly left his place. Once outside, she realized she didn't have her motorcycle. She pulled out her phone and determined how far away her hotel was from Romano's place. It was only about three miles. She debated calling a cab, but decided that a long walk might help clear her thoughts.
When Lucy finally got back to her hotel and stepped off the elevator, she groaned. Sitting outside her hotel room door was Carter. She slowly approached the door, watching as he stood up.
"Hey." He greeted.
"What are you doing here Carter?" She sighed.
"My shift ended about an hour ago and I wanted to check on you." He explained. "But you weren't here so I waited."
"I was at Romano's last night." She explained, sticking the hotel key card in the machine and hearing the double beep.
"How are you doing?"
"How do you think I'm doing?"
"Yeah, that was a stupid question." He admitted. "Do you want to go grab a coffee or something? We could talk about her if that would help.'
She wasn't sure what would help at this point. But she was too exhausted to play this game with him. "Carter, why are you here?" She repeated her question.
"I'm worried about you." He told her.
"I'm not your responsibility." She told him. "You don't have to worry about me. Truthfully, you don't even have to think about me anymore."
"That's not true." He protested.
"It is true. Let it go. Let me go." She sighed. "And another truth is that you were right." She saw that he was confused so she elaborated. "If I had been a better doctor, or a better surgeon in this case, a lot of things would have been different. Goodbye Carter."
Without staying to hear his response, she entered her hotel room and shut the door in his face for the second time in 24 hours. She threw her stuff on the floor and headed to the bathroom, turning the shower on. She only made sure her phone was out of her pocket before stepping into the shower fully clothed. Letting the water wash over her, she thought back to the last memorial service she went to.
"I feel really weird being here." Lucy told Carter as they walked into the church for his grandmother's memorial service.
"Why?" He asked.
"I've never met your family before." She replied. "A memorial service doesn't seem like the best time." She omitted the part about her being the one who worked on the deceased. That just made it more uncomfortable for her.
"I need you here, Luce." He pleaded. "My family and I don't get along, and this is going to be a really hard day for me."
"Ok." She nodded, trying to squash the bad feeling she had about this. She wanted to support him, and this was the best way to do so. "Let's do this."
They walked in and were soon greeted by his parents.
"John, dear." His mother greeted, kissing him on the cheek.
"Son." His father greeted with a smile.
"Mom, dad. This is Lucy Knight." Carter introduced. "Lucy, these are my parents, Jack and Eleanor Carter."
"Hey, John…" A guy came up to them. "I need your help real quick."
Carter looked at Lucy with an apologetic smile. "I'll be right back." He kissed her cheek and then ran off.
"It's nice to meet you both." Lucy gave them a small smile. "I am sorry it has to be for this reason though."
"Yes." Eleanor replied. "Memorial services aren't much fun. I would imagine this one is especially not pleasant considering you practically killed the person."
"I'm sorry, what?" Lucy asked. She had to have heard them wrong.
"You worked on Millicent in the emergency room, did you not?" Eleanor asked.
"Yes." Lucy nodded.
"And you let her die, did you not?" Eleanor questioned.
"I…that's…she had a stroke. It was a massive stroke. I…" Lucy didn't know how else to explain it.
"But you are supposed to be a doctor." Eleanor reminded her. "She had the stroke in the emergency room. There is no reason why you shouldn't have been able to save her from death."
"I'm not really sure you know how strokes work." Lucy mumbled. "Why are you like this?"
"I don't what you expected. But if you thought for one moment that we would be welcoming to you after everything you have done, then you are simply too naïve for this world." Jack stated.
Lucy wished Carter would hurry up and get back here because this was turning into a disaster.
"First you manage to get our son stabbed due to your own incompetence in dealing with your patients." Jack continued.
"He almost died, you know." Eleanor chimed in. "As it is, he will always be prone to renal problems because of the attack. But that wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to inflict even more misery upon him and this whole family."
She didn't know how to respond to that. She had worked very hard to not blame herself for Carter getting attacked. But it wasn't like he was the only one who almost died. She had to have her chest cracked open and coded several times. But that didn't seem to matter to Carter's parents.
"Which brings me to my second point." Jack replied. "You let my mother die. Now I don't know if it was just because you are still incompetent or you have a desire to cause our family grief. Frankly I don't care. I would just like you to leave my son and my family alone."
"I think you've caused enough grief here for one lifetime, don't you?" Eleanor asked.
"I'm sorry." That was all Lucy could say. She never expected his parents to treat her like this and wasn't sure what else she could say.
"That doesn't change anything." Jack told her. "The question remains, why are you even here? You don't belong here."
"Carter…"
"He would be better off without you, trust me on that." Eleanor shook her head. "You should just leave."
She was already feeling guilty for her role in Millicent's death. Having Carter's parents voice her fears aloud was her worst nightmare. Although she wanted to be there for Carter today, she couldn't take it anymore. Without a word, she turned and hurried out of the church. She almost got to the sidewalk before Carter called out to her.
She stopped but didn't turn around. The last thing she wanted was to cause a scene. She debated whether or not to tell him what his parents said.
"Lucy, there you are. What are you doing?" He questioned, lightly grabbing her arm and turning her around. "Where are you going?"
"I don't belong here." She replied in a soft voice. His parents might be right. She did bring a lot of grief and pain into Carter's life. It was like everything she touched turned rotten.
"So you're just going to leave me alone at Gamma's memorial service because you feel insecure?" He asked, anger appearing in his voice. "Is this because my family is rich and yours isn't?"
"No." She assured him. She had a moment early in their relationship where she questioned if they could work as a couple since they were from different backgrounds, but she got over that. Or at least she thought she had until now. "It has nothing to do with that. Your parents hate me."
"They can't possibly hate you." Carter laughed. "They don't even know you!"
"Trust me on this!" Lucy insisted. "They hate me. Why can't you just believe me?"
"Why would you even think that they hate you?" Carter sighed.
"They blame me for you getting attacked." She admitted. "They said so just a few minutes ago!"
"To be fair, they have blamed lots of things and people for that." Carter chuckled.
Lucy sighed. This was getting frustrating and she couldn't understand why he didn't realize she was upset and just wanted to leave. "They also blame me for your grandmother's death and told me that I killed her."
She was expecting him to say something…anything about how it wasn't her fault and that his parents were wrong. But he just stayed silent and avoided eye contact with her. "Carter…"
That's when everything started to make sense. He had been growing more and more distant since her death. She attributed that to grieving and gave him a free pass on his attitude, but the look on his face told her what she needed to know.
They stood there in silence for a moment.
"Say it." She prodded softly. He was still being quiet. "Please, just say it."
"Say what?" He asked.
"Say what you're thinking right now." She told him, praying she was wrong.
He sighed. "Look, this is the worst time to be having this conversation. The memorial service is going to start any minute now. Let's just go back inside and we can talk about all of this later."
"I'm not going back in there with your parents. They hate me and they aren't nice people." She shook her head. "So why don't you just say what you're thinking and get it over with. You think I killed her too."
He threw his head back and sighed. "I think if you had been a better doctor, a lot of things in the past year or so would have been different."
Carter's statement caught her off guard and she just stood there staring at him for a moment, trying to figure out why he would say that to her. "I didn't know you also blamed me for that night."
"Well if you could have handled the whole thing with Sobriki better, then we wouldn't have almost died!" He yelled.
"I tried to handle it!" She yelled back. "But you didn't want to listen to me. Besides that, you were my teacher, Carter!" She fought back, getting angry. "You should have been listening to me and trying to teach me instead of ignoring and picking fights with me! You should have supervised me better!"
"I only did those things to keep you at arms length because I was doing my best not to jump your bones every day." He countered. "So forgive me for not being able to properly teach you."
She ignored that comment, shaking her head to try to keep from crying. "And now you blame me for your grandmother's death as well as the attack?"
"She could have survived." He pointed out.
"She had a hemorrhagic stroke, Carter!" Lucy yelled. "At her age, the odds were not in her favor. I did everything I possibly could!"
"But if you had been a better doctor, she might have had a better chance." He argued.
In that split second, she made a decision. "I can't do this."
"Do what?" He sighed.
"This." She said motioning between them.
"So you aren't coming inside?" He asked, looking at his watch. "Because it's starting and I don't want to miss it."
"You go on in." She shook her head. "I'm not going."
"Damn it Lucy. I can't believe how selfish you're being right now."
Without another word, she turned and left.
"And now you're going to walk away." He called after her. "That's very mature!"
Carter stretched on his bed, replaying the conversation he had with Lucy in his head. He immediately recognized the last words she said and cringed. He was a complete and total idiot on the day of his Gamma's memorial service. Though if he was being honest with himself, he was a jerk to her ever since Gamma's actual death.
At the time, he did wonder if there was something Lucy could have done differently to save his Gamma's life. He went through the whole scene frame by frame in his mind, trying to figure out what he would have done differently. Ultimately he realized he was lashing out at her because it was easier than dealing with the truth. He felt responsible for the stroke. The worst part was he didn't realize he was taking it out on her until after Lucy left.
"What are you doing down here?" Carter asked as Lucy appeared next to him.
"I am covering all ER surgical consults today." She smiled.
"So I get to see you all day." Carter grinned. "Today just got much better."
"John!" Millicent called, waving her hand as she stood up in the waiting room.
Carter had just gotten to the admit desk to sign off on a chart when he heard his Gamma's voice. He turned and gave her a small smile as she approached him.
"Do you have a moment to talk?" She asked.
He looked around. There were still several people waiting in chairs that needed to be seen, but there were no traumas currently and he figured Dr. Greene could handle things for a moment. "Sure."
"Can we talk somewhere in private?" She requested, looking over at Lucy.
"Yeah." He nodded. "But actually, Gamma, this is Lucy."
"The Lucy?" Millicent chuckled. "My dear, I've heard a lot about you. John has talked about you incessantly for quite a while now."
Lucy smiled. "Really? Incessantly?"
"Incessantly." Millicent nodded.
"We can use one of the empty exam rooms over here." Carter said, pointing to the left.
"Well it seems I have embarrassed him." Millicent sighed. "It was nice to meet you."
"You too." Lucy said.
Carter was quiet as he led her to the exam room. "Was that necessary?" He chuckled after he closed the door.
"I'm sorry if that embarrassed you." Millicent apologized. "But that was the girl you've been pining over for some time, right?"
"Gamma…"
"Alright. I won't do it again." She conceded. "Besides, that wasn't the reason I wanted to talk to you. How are you?"
"I'm good." He nodded. "Very good actually."
"I'm glad." She smiled.
"So what's going on Gamma?" He sighed. "I have a hard time believing this is purely a social visit."
"I do have an ulterior motive." She chuckled. "I've changed my will."
"Ok." Carter shrugged. He wasn't taking money from his trust anymore, and hadn't for some time. So he wasn't sure how this affected him.
"Aren't you curious how I changed it?" She asked.
"Not really." He chuckled. "I don't think it will affect me that much."
"It affects you more than you know." She told him. "I'm naming you my successor. Everything that is mine will be yours. That includes the money, houses, jet, the business and the foundation. You'll be named the President of the Carter Family Foundation and Chairman of the Board of the business."
He took a moment for what she said to sink in. "No." He scoffed.
"No?" Millicent repeated. "What do you mean no?"
"No." He shook his head. "There's no way I'm doing that."
"It's already been done." She informed him. "I've already changed the will and the papers have been filed. It is happening."
"No!" He yelled. "Damn it Gamma! I'm a doctor. You know how much I love being a doctor. I'm not a part of the business or the foundation. So no. I'm not doing it."
"John…" Millicent sighed. "Wouldn't you rather be in a business setting where people don't stab you in the back? In the business world, stabbing someone in the back is only metaphorical. Here it actually happened and you almost died."
"It only happened once." Carter sighed, not wanting to get into this argument again. This wasn't the first time Gamma had tried to get him to leave medicine. He suspected it wouldn't be the last time either.
"Once is enough, John." Millicent replied, touching her head.
Carter looked at her. "Are you ok?"
"I just have a dreadful headache due to this fighting." She shook it off. "John, this is what I want for you. Please."
"I'm not leaving medicine." He shook his head. "You should go back and change your will to what it was before because I don't want it."
"I know you have spent your adult life trying to break away from this family." She told him. "What I don't understand is why. I know we aren't a perfect family. But no family is perfect. Why can't you do this for me?"
"Because I don't want to!" He finally yelled.
"There's no need to shout, John…" She said.
Carter watched as she passed out. He managed to catch her before she hit her head on the floor and got her onto the nearby gurney.
He knew that it wasn't logical, but he blamed himself for quite a long time for his Gamma's stroke. It happened when they were arguing. She was trying to give him control of something that meant everything to her, and he basically was spitting in her face by being petulant and refusing it.
It wasn't until he had been in Africa for a couple of years that he realized exactly how he let everything fall apart with Lucy, and it started with that conversation he had right before his Gamma's stroke. He took out all of his anger at himself, his guilt and his grief on Lucy and it was not fair. She was right when she said it was cruel. He agreed with that.
In the moment he didn't even realize what he was doing. He knew that sounded like a cop-out but it was the truth.
And apparently the words he spoke that day have stayed with Lucy, as evidenced by her earlier comment. It seemed like now she was blaming herself for Rebecca's death. This wasn't a good thing. He had no idea how to help her though because she kept slamming doors in his face.