Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Six

Lucy knocked on Romano's door again. She had knocked for five minutes and rang the doorbell several times, but there was no answer. It took her longer than she expected to get everything set up for Rebecca's funeral. While she meant to bring him lunch, it turned into more like an early dinner.

She felt bad about taking so long, but at least she could tell him that she had everything done. Everyone had been invited and everything was set up for the funeral to be in three days. That gave Rebecca's cousins and aunt enough time to get to Chicago.

She was surprised that Rebecca hadn't told any of her family about her heart condition. She just assumed that her family was kept in the loop, but none of them even seemed to know she was in the hospital to begin with. It puzzled her, but it wasn't her place to questions why Rebecca kept it a secret.

Getting fed up with him not answering the door, she pulled out her spare key. Rebecca had given it to her about a year ago on the off chance she ever needed to get into the house. At the time she had argued against taking the key. She didn't see any reason why she would need it. Today she was grateful.

She unlocked the door and entered. "Hello?" She called out loudly. Room by room she checked for Romano but found the house completely empty.

It didn't take her long to realize where he had gone.

"Lucy!"

She heard her name being called and turned to see Morris walking towards her. She had just walked into the hospital and was on her way up to Romano's office.

"Hey." He greeted.

"Hey." She greeted back.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm not sure anymore." She chuckled darkly.

"Well if you need anything…"

"Thanks." She interrupted.

"Also, what happened is spreading all over the hospital. I don't know if you are aware, but Romano apparently ordered an autopsy. He made them push her to the top of the list." He paused. "It was a pulmonary embolism. It wasn't a problem with the surgery, just was one of those freak things that no one can predict."

She knew that Morris was trying to make her feel better, but knowing that Rebecca died from a PE didn't make her feel much better. If she had been able to simply repair the damage, she would have been at a much lower risk of developing a PE. There was always a higher risk of developing a PE when you replace a valve instead of repairing it.

Still, she appreciated Morris telling her. "Thanks." She said, walking away. It didn't take her long to get to Romano's office. Taking a deep breath, she knocked softly.

"Go away!" Romano's voice boomed.

Relieved that she was right about him being at the hospital, she ignored his request and entered the room.

"That go away applies to you too." He said, pouring a scotch and practically downing it in one sip.

She looked at the bottle he was pouring from and could have sworn that it was half full yesterday. Now it was practically empty.

"I'm not going away." She told him defiantly, sitting in the chair across from his desk and propping her feet up on the desk.

"Normally that would amuse me, but not today." He shook his head. "I want to be left alone."

"I can't do that." She refused. "Especially after I've found you trying to drink your way to the bottom of the bottle."

He poured the rest of the bottle into the glass and drank it in two sips. "There. Now I've succeeded in reaching the bottom of the bottle." He chuckled. "But thankfully I have another one." He opened a desk drawer and pulled a new bottle out, slamming it on the desk. "Time to start another one."

"How much more do you plan on drinking?" She asked softly.

"Depends." He shrugged, looking her straight in her eyes. "How much do you think it will take for me to forget her?"

"I don't think you could forget her." She answered honestly. "So maybe you shouldn't drink yourself into a stupor."

"I don't need your advice." He rolled his eyes. "If I want to numb the pain with alcohol, then I'm going to do just that. Now go away."

"Nope." She shook her head.

"Fine." He sighed, rolling his eyes again. "Go away please."

"I can't." She refused.

"And why the hell not?" He yelled.

"I care about you Robert." She hoped using his first name would show that she was serious. In all the years they have known each other, she had called him Robert maybe two or three dozen times at the most. "You've always been there for me. You should let me be there for you this time. And I promised Rebecca I would look out for you."

"Don't…don't say her name." He pleaded.

"Why not?" Lucy asked.

"Just don't, ok?" He yelled.

"Ok." She agreed.

"It was a damn PE." He said after a few minutes of silence.

"That's what I heard." Lucy replied quietly. "I'm sorry…for everything."

"You did what you could." He sighed, shaking his head.

"It wasn't enough though."

He rolled his eyes and opened the bottle, drinking straight from it. "Honestly, I don't have it in me to be your personal cheerleader right now. So quit with the woe is me routine, alright? You lost a patient and a friend. I get that. But I lost the love of my life. I win, ok? I get to be a big mess right now. Not you. You want to be there for me? Then shut the hell up."

She wasn't expecting that reaction from him. A part of her was hurt by it but she wouldn't let it show. He was right about certain things. His grief was more profound than hers. "Ok."

He sighed. "You know I don't mean that."

"It's ok if you do though." She assured him. "But why don't we leave for a while? We could go downstairs and get you a banana bag to counter-act the alcohol. Or we could go get some coffee and maybe some food? You can talk about her, or not if you don't want to. We could talk about anything really…new surgical methods…why the new music being released sounds like crap compared to the oldies you like…We could even just sit in silence if you want. But let's get out of this office and away from the booze for a while. What do you say?"

He didn't say anything for a few minutes. She watched as he poured himself another full glass of scotch and grimaced when he finished the whole glass. While she was impressed with his ability to hold his liquor, she really needed to get him away from the booze.

"Did you really have sex with Carter in a dirty diner bathroom?" He finally broke his silence.

Her eyes went wide as she looked at him. That was the last thing she expected him to talk about. "Uh…"

"She told me about that." He scoffed. "You know, it was actually the last conversation we had before…" He trailed off, pouring more scotch into his glass. "So was she right? You and Carter?"

She wasn't sure how to proceed with this conversation. She was prepared to talk about anything else other than this. Talking about her sex life with him seemed wrong, but this was what he brought up and she did tell him they could talk about anything. So she was stuck.

"We did." She answered. "It was a weak moment and I'm not proud of it."

He scoffed. "That's a rookie mistake. You should always be proud of the moments that embarrass you. Always remember that the true weakness is not being able to own up to your mistakes."

"I'll try to remember that." She nodded. The fact that he was trying to dispel wisdom while drunk would have been funny in any other situation. Now it was just tragically sad.

"You know, she wanted you to get back together with him so badly. I think she had this vision of the four of going on double dates and vacations together." He mentioned, staring into the glass. "She even wanted me to talk to you about him. I don't know what the hell she expected me to be able to do. You know I've never been fond of Carter."

"Yes, I'm aware of that." She chimed in.

"In fact, if I knew that asking you back here would result in you going after Carter again, I would have thought twice about it. Perhaps it wasn't fair to bring you back here. You never wanted to come back. You refused to come back who many times?"

"At least a dozen." She reminded him.

Lucy feverishly knocked on Romano's door. She needed to speak to him and was glad she remembered where he lived from the time she showed up on his doorstep to ask him to do the surgery for Valerie Paige.

"What the hell?" Romano yelled, opening the door. "Ms. Knight? What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry to bother you at home Dr. Romano." Lucy apologized.

He looked at the luggage she had with her. "I hope you aren't planning on moving in. Don't get me wrong…I like you Ms. Knight, but not romantically."

She looked at the bags and shook her head. "Um, no. It's a long story but I just moved out of the place I was staying with Carter and I'm on my way to get a hotel room. I just needed to know if you had talked to your friend in St. Louis about me because I really would like to get the hell away from this place and never look back."

He looked at her for what seemed like an eternity before starting to grab her suitcases and put them in his entryway. She watched as he put all of them in a neat row.

"Come on in Ms. Knight." He motioned, taking the two bags she had slung over her shoulder and placing them next to the suitcases. He brought her into his living room and had her sit down on the couch.

"Do you drink scotch?" He asked, pointing to a bottle.

"Not normally." She laughed nervously. "But this isn't exactly a normal day."

He chuckled. " I know what you mean. This is a Macallen 18-year old single malt scotch. You'll find it can fix almost any problem." He fixed two scotches and then handed her one. "Forgive me for intruding, but since you have appeared on my doorstep I feel like I have more of a right to ask these questions. Why do you want to leave this city so badly? When we talked earlier you seemed hesitant because of this great love you have for the great John Carter."

The sarcasm surrounding his description of her love for Carter wasn't lost on her but she ignored that. She stared at the drink in her hand before downing the whole glass. She then held on to the glass while she looked Romano straight in the eye and answered. "I realized you were right about Carter being a boy and not a man. A man who supposedly loves you doesn't treat you the way he treated me today. This city holds too many bad memories and I just need to get out before it swallows me alive."

"What happened?" He asked.

"You know what happened with his grandmother, right?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "It's hard to keep anything a secret in that hospital. She had a stroke and died, right?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "And I was the one who ran the trauma when she coded. I was the one who pronounced her. When I went with him to the memorial today, his family blamed me for her death, as well as the attack on Valentine's Day." She paused for a moment. "And instead of defending me or saying anything comforting Carter decided to agree with them."

"What an idiot." Romano muttered.

"He basically said I should have been a better doctor and then neither of those things would have happened." Lucy sighed.

Romano scoffed. "I feel I need to apologize on behalf of all males for Carter's behavior because that is plain wrong. Please tell me you at least slapped him or kicked him in his special area."

"No." She shook her head, laughing in spite of herself. "Maybe I should have. Instead, I left him at the memorial. I packed everything up that I own because I'm never going back there and I left a note breaking up with him. I don't want to talk to him or see him. I just want to get out of here and I want to start over somewhere new where I don't have the shadows of my past hanging over me everywhere I go." She explained. "I'm sorry to appear on your doorstep and unload this on you…I just…"

"It's alright." He assured her. "Just sit here, relax and let me go make a call."

She watched as he left the room. After a few minutes she got up and started walking around the living room. They said you could tell a lot about a man by the way his house looked. It was very minimalistic and clean. There were only a few pictures up, and those were pictures of him winning awards or other distinctions. She wondered briefly if he had any family. The lack of family pictures suggested no.

"Well you are in luck!" Romano clapped his hands together, entering the room again. "My buddy just got back from vacation today. I told him all about you and he says that if you can get there by tomorrow morning, you can be a part of his team."

"Really?" She was so happy she could cry. "Thank you Dr. Romano! I really can't thank you enough!"

"You can thank me by being the great doctor and surgeon I know you are, and by not letting Dr. Carter or anyone else for that matter make you feel inferior." He told her.

"But…" She protested.

"No, no, no…" He interrupted. "I'm going to stop you right there Ms. Knight. Did you try your best to save Carter's grandmother?"

"Of course." She nodded. "I did everything I could think of."

"And did you try to follow protocol on Valentine's Day with Mr. Sobricki?" He asked.

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Then let yourself off the hook." He advised. "If you can look yourself in the mirror and say without lying that you did everything you possibly could, then let that be enough. Don't let other people tear you down just because they feel like they have to. Be stronger than them and don't let it break you."

"It's easier said than done." She sighed.

"Yes, it is." He acknowledged. "But you will be happier if you can do it."

"I'll keep that in mind." She told him, heading to the door.

"Oh, and one more thing…" He said, causing her to look back. "Do you mind if terrorize Carter whenever I get a chance?"

A small smile appeared on her face. "I don't mind at all."

"I asked you back here selfishly because I wanted your help." Romano continued, pulling Lucy from her reverie. "I didn't think about what coming back here might do to you."

"I'm an adult." She pointed out. "I'm responsible for my own choices. I could have said no to coming here. I could have referred you to one of my colleagues. I could have stayed as far away from Carter as humanly possible. But this was the path I chose."

He chuckled and started to clap. "There you are! There's the Lucy Knight that owns up to her mistakes."

She couldn't help but chuckle despite herself.

Romano poured himself another glass and downed it quickly. "You know, she really believed you and Carter were fated to be together or some crap like that. I believe that he is a pissant who doesn't deserve you. But I guess you have to make your own mind."

"Can we please stop with the drinking now?" She asked again.

"Fine." He sighed, getting up. He tried to walk over to her but kept stumbling.

She hurried over to catch him, putting his arm around her shoulder so she could help him walk. She needed to do something to sober him up. Maybe she could get him downstairs and have Morris give him a banana bag full of vitamins and fluids. She could stay with him and monitor his vitals while he sobered up.

"C'mon." She encouraged. "You can do it."

"I know how to walk." He scoffed.

"Could have fooled me." She laughed as they got into the elevator.

"I don't need your help." He argued.

"I know." She said to placate him. When the elevator got them to the ER, she hoped Morris was still working and that Carter wasn't. But her hope was dashed when she ran straight into Carter.

"Ugh." Romano sneered. "It's this guy."

Lucy looked from Carter to Romano and tried to steer away from Carter, but Romano had other ideas.

"You know, you have got to be the biggest jerk I have ever known." Romano said loudly, slurring a couple of words.

"That's rich, coming from you Dr. Romano." Carter chuckled.

"Carter!" Lucy admonished.

"I realize I'm a jerk to people, but at least I'm not a complete ass to the people I supposedly love." Romano boasted.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Carter protested.

"Oh I don't?" Romano laughed. "I know more than you know that I know. You know?"

"Let's go." Lucy told Romano. "C'mon."

"No." Romano shook his head. "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time. Now seems like the perfect time." Without any warning, he broke free of Lucy and punched Carter squarely in the jaw.

Lucy watched as Carter fell to the ground. "This is getting out of hand. C'mon. Let's go." Before she could steer Romano to the exit, Carter got back up.

"That was a sucker punch." Carter announced, touching his jaw.

"Yeah it was." Romano laughed. "Because you got punched and you're a sucker."

"That's it." Carter sighed. He then moved to attack Romano but Lucy managed to get in between them.

"Stop it! Right now!" She yelled, putting her hand on Carter's chest and staring him in the face. His fist was poised and ready to hit. She considered herself lucky that he was able to stop before accidentally hitting her. "Carter, let it go."

"But…"

"Please? Let it go?" She asked softly. She felt bad that he had been hit, especially since the punch Romano landed had caused his lip to split open and there was a small trail of blood trickling down. But her obligation was to Romano and not to Carter.

"Get him out of here." Carter commanded.

So much for her hope to get Romano sobered up in the ER. She sighed and nodded, turning to Romano. "Let's go." She didn't give him a chance to argue, leading him out of the ER doors. "How far away is your car?"

"Not far." He replied as they walked the direction he pointed. While walking, he fumbled with the keys in his pocket. Finally he pulled them out.

Lucy grabbed the keys quickly.

"Hey!" He protested. "Give those back."

"No way." She shook her head. "There is absolutely no way I'm letting you drive."

"It's my car." He argued.

"And you are drunk." She pointed out.

He laughed as if that was the funniest thing he had ever heard. "Only a little."

She sighed. Helping him get from his office to his car was exhausting because he wasn't making it easy. It also didn't help that it had started to rain. "You also picked a fight with Carter."

"He had it coming." Romano laughed. "And I didn't need you to stop him."

"I'm sure you didn't." She replied, trying to placate him. They finally reached his car and she opened the passenger side door of the SUV for him. "Come on. Get in."

"I still think I should drive." He shook his head, batting her hand away when she tried to put the seat belt in for him. "I can do that myself."

"I know." She laughed as she heard the click. She closed his door and went over to the driver's side. Getting in, she put her seat belt on. She was grateful that he didn't live too far away from the hospital. She needed to get him home and get him to drink some water.

"This is boring." He whined as she drove.

"I'm sorry you think so." She apologized. "But it shouldn't take us long to get back to your house."

"Let's make the trip more fun."

She thought that meant turn on the radio. Instead, she was horrified when he grabbed the wheel and turned it sharply to the right. She had to work quickly to make sure that they didn't hit anything. The roads were getting slick. Cars around her honked their horn at her as she managed to get back into their original lane..

"What the hell are you doing?" She yelled once she had control of the steering wheel again. "Are you trying to kill us?"

"Lighten up." He grumbled. "I'm just trying to have some fun."

"Don't do that again. You could have gotten us killed." She berated him.

"How?" He questioned with a laugh. "By doing this?" He grabbed the steering wheel again but this time wouldn't let go.

"Stop it!" She screamed, desperately trying to keep the SUV in the lane. But he was strong and kept trying to move it back and forth. "Stop! NO!" The last thing she saw before it all turned black was the SUV sliding towards a median.