Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Eight

She stood outside of Romano's ICU room, trying to will her body to move and go inside. But if she went inside, she felt like this would become real. She could still pretend that this wasn't happening as long as she stayed on this side of the door. The second she entered the room and saw him, she would be unable to pretend anymore.

Lucy came out of the operating room, sighing as she stretched her neck back and forth. The surgery was an eight hour long aortic dissection and she was ready for a nap.

"Good work in there Lucy." Dr. Welling told her as he took off his scrub cap.

"Thank you Dr. Welling." She smiled at him. She had been in St. Louis for almost a year now and had learned quite a lot from him. She finally felt like she was fitting in.

"Well, well, well." Dr. Welling laughed. "Look what the cat dragged in."

Lucy looked over and saw Dr. Romano coming through the doors.

"Welling…you look old. Are you actually getting grey hairs already? What the hell happened to you? Romano asked with a chuckled.

"At least I still have all of my hair." Dr. Welling joked back.

"I trust you are taking good care of Ms. Knight." Romano asked, pointing to Lucy.

"Am I?" Dr. Welling asked Lucy, turning to get her approval.

"He is." Lucy laughed.

"Good." Romano smiled. "I'd hate to have to kick your ass again."

"That time in college was a fluke." Dr. Welling laughed. "I was drunk at the time."

"So that's your story now? Interesting." Romano laughed. "Do you mind if I steal Ms. Knight for a moment?"

"Be my guest." Dr. Welling replied. "But I expect to see you in my office later to catch up, Rocket."

"Wouldn't miss it." Romano said, leading Lucy into an empty office.

"What are you doing here?" Lucy asked.

"I had some vacation time that I had to take or else I'd lose it." He explained. "So I thought I would come by and check in with you, make sure what you've said in your emails is true."

"Thank you but I'm fine." Lucy assured him. They emailed each other at least five or six times a week. She first emailed him to thank him for getting her in Dr. Welling's program. Then they started emailing about what kind of procedures she was learning and he gave her tips on improving her technique. Somewhere along the way their emails turned personal and they became good friends.

She thought it was sweet he came to check on her. "I do like it here. I like the program. I like Dr. Welling. I've even made a couple of friends."

"So you don't want to come back to Chicago and study with me?" He asked.

She laughed until she saw his face. "Oh. You're serious?"

"I am dead serious." He nodded. "I think you ultimately belong back in Chicago and back at County."

"You know why I can't…"

"You can't let a boy or a couple of bad experiences dictate your life though." He interrupted. "I think your destiny ultimately lies in Chicago."

It was easier for him to say than for her to do. She wasn't sure she was ever going to go back, even for a visit.

"How long are you in town for?" She asked, choosing to ignore his comment for now.

"Just the night." He explained. "I leave tomorrow morning to go to the Bahamas. I want to work on my tan."

She smiled. "We have to have dinner then. I found the greatest barbecue place here." She insisted, looking at her watch. "I should be done in about two hours."

"I shall meet you here in two hours then." He told her before leaving the room.

Time ticked by slowly as she took a few deep breaths. She put her hand on the sliding door and closed her eyes for a moment before sliding it open. The sight before her was heartbreaking. Romano was hooked up to about twelve different machines. He looked small in the bed, like the machines were swallowing him up.

She slowly walked over to his bedside and sat down in the chair next to it. "I'm so sorry." She took his hand in hers. "All you wanted was for me to come in, do a surgery for Rebecca and then help you marry her. But somehow all of this has happened and it isn't fair."

She smiled. "Usually this would be the time when you would say life isn't fair Ms. Knight. It just is what it is. So deal with it." A tear went down her cheek. "How many times did you tell me that? I have lost count."

"God, and you made me your next of kin. Why?" She sighed. "I guess I know why. Rebecca always said you thought of me like a daughter. What I never told you was that I thought of you like a father. You know I didn't have one in my life. You were the first guy to truly believe in me and push me."

She bowed her head. "I know I said it already but I am so sorry. If only I could have done something different…"

"Excuse me." A timid voice said. "Are you Lucy Knight?"

"I'm Dr. Knight." She said, looking at the boy in front of her. He had to be a medical student because he had that deer in the headlights look in his eyes.

"Sorry. I was sent in here to talk to you about whether you think Dr. Romano would have wanted to donate any of his organs."

"Who sent you?" She questioned

"The transplant team."

"And who is the head of the transplant team?" Lucy sighed.

"Dr. Leiter."

"Ok." She chuckled. "Here is what you are going to do. You are going to turn around, go find Dr. Leiter and tell him that if he wants any organs from Dr. Romano he will have bring himself here and ask me in person. And he better do that in the next 30 minutes or the answer will automatically be no. Do you know who this is?" She pointed to the bed.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Then you know that he is a big deal in this hospital and deserves better than some pipsqueak med student coming around asking for his organs like it is a Halloween trick or treating time. Nice try kid, but the outfit doesn't make you a real doctor."

"Ok." He said as he eyes went wide. "I'm…sorry."

"I'm sure you are." Lucy told him, looking at her watch. "But now Dr. Leiter only has 29 minutes to get down here if he wants any chance of organ donation. So you better hurry."

She watched as he scurried out of the room and burst into a fit of laughter. Then she turned to Romano. "Stupid medical students. Now I finally understand why you would berate people like that. It is actually fun."

Lucy stared at Romano, trying to figure out if she did the right thing by agreeing to let them donate his organs. Truthfully, she never had a discussion with him about what he would want if he was in this situation. She was simply guessing.

Logically she knew he was already dead. The machines were keeping his body going, but he wasn't there anymore. But for the past three hours she had been talking to him about anything and everything.

It started out as an apology for the ways things happened. Then, and she wasn't proud of it, she used him as a sort of therapist for her own problems. It wasn't the first time he had to listen to her whine about things that were plaguing her, but it would be the last time.

She spent a good deal of time crying while she talked, but for now she wasn't crying. For now, she was just holding his hand. Hearing the door slide open, she looked over and saw Carter standing in the doorway.

"Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?" He asked.

"It's a free country." She shrugged. "You can do what you want."

"Word has spread around the hospital that you are donating his organs." Carter said, speaking softly.

"I don't even know if that is what he wanted." Lucy admitted. "Hell, I didn't even know he appointed me next of kin. I'm just kind of making this up as I go along. Does it show?"

He smiled at her. "Not even a little."

She gave him a small smile. "Am I doing the right thing?"

Carter sighed. "Hell if I know. You knew him a lot better than I did. What does your gut tell you?"

"I'm not sure I want to listen to my gut." She admitted. If she listened to her gut she would go over, kiss Carter and never let him out of her sight. But she didn't think this was the right time or place for that. Besides, she was an emotional wreck right now.

"Can I get you anything?" He offered.

"No." She shook her head. "They finished the last of the tests they needed to determine if his organs were in good enough shape to be donated. I'm just waiting for them to come back to take him in for the retrieval."

"Can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Possibly." She answered, her curiosity peaked. "Depends on the question."

"How did you and Romano end up getting so close?" Carter asked. "I know you guys became friends, but…I guess I just don't understand it because you two are so drastically different."

"We respected each other." Lucy answered, realizing her answer may anger him. "Can I answer this question without you getting mad at me?"

"Possibly." He smiled, throwing her words back at her. "Depends on the answer."

"He was the first teacher I had here that really seemed to see my potential, even when I didn't. He listened to me and didn't treat me like I had no clue what I was saying." She explained.

"You didn't feel that way when I taught you?" Carter asked quietly.

"No. We fought almost constantly when you were my teacher." She explained. "I mean, yeah, there were times when you were a great teacher. But then there were also times where you ignored me and made me feel like I was just an annoying bee that buzzed around you."

"I'm sorry you felt that way." He apologized. "I never wanted to make you feel like that. And I did see your potential. I still do. I just..well I just had feelings for you and it was difficult since I couldn't act on them."

"I know." She nodded. He had told her about that after they got together and she had made peace with it. She decided to go on with her explanation. "So somewhere along the way Romano and I became friends. He got me the position in St. Louis, I introduced him to Rebecca and we just remained close."

She paused for a moment. "He asked me come back here to help with Rebecca and I dropped everything to come. I…I just…"

"You loved him." Carter stated for her.

"Like a father." She clarified. "But yeah. I loved him. I loved Rebecca too, like a sister. But just look at what my love does to people."

"Hey." He objected, going over and kneeling beside her chair. "Don't do that. This wasn't something you did."

"I guess." Lucy shrugged. "But it's hard to believe that when I'm staring at the proof."

Dr. Leiter came into the room with his team. "We are ready for him now, Dr. Knight. Is that is alright with you?"

Lucy nodded, getting up and kissing Romano's forehead. "Go be happy with Rebecca. You deserve that."

She watched as they rolled him out of the room. She knew what they were going to do to him. They would cut him open and give away his organs. His organs would save lives. It was a fitting end to a surgeon who spent their career priding himself on not losing many patients on the operating table. But although she knew this was a good thing, it still hurt like hell.

When his bed was out of sight, she stood there watching the empty space. Her heart rate increased and she suddenly had trouble breathing. She knew it was a panic attack and knew what she had to do.

"Excuse me. I've got to get out of here. I can't be here anymore." She told Carter, practically sprinting out of the room.

She practically ran the entire way out of the hospital, only stopping when she got to the ambulance bay of the hospital. She thought the fresh air would help but it didn't. So she started running again, this time in the direction of her hotel. It was only about a mile from the hospital.

She ran as fast as she could, trying to calm her thoughts and clear her mind. It was almost daybreak, but still dark outside. A voice in her head told her that this was not the safest time to be running in Chicago, but she silenced that voice and continued on her way.

She was out of breath when she finally got to her hotel. Realizing she didn't have her key with her, she had to wait until she caught her breath to get another one from the front desk. The elevator doors were about to close when she saw Carter slide in.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Followed…you…" Carter replied, out of breath. "You shouldn't…run in…this city…when it's…still dark… You could…get hurt."

The fact that he ran after her melted her heart. "Poor Carter. You aren't in very good shape, are you?"

He looked over at her. He was still out of breath, while she was back to normal. "It's not funny."

"Maybe just a little." She argued as she got out of the elevator. "You didn't have to chase after me though."

"I was worried." He admitted, following her down the hallway to her room. "You left so suddenly and just took off. I didn't know what to think."

"I just needed to clear my head." She explained. "I was having a panic attack."

"I see." He nodded. "And are you feeling better now?"

"I don't know." She admitted honestly.

She stared at him for a moment. It did mean a lot that he would run after her. Without thinking, closed the gap between them and started kissing him. She could tell that she had caught him off-guard at first. But he soon wrapped his arms around her, pulling her as close to his body as possible.

She moaned as she felt his hand slip underneath her shirt. "Hold on a second." She whispered in his ear. The puzzled look on his face went away when she used her door key to open her hotel room.

Without any kind of warning, he picked her up and carried her into her room.