Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
Chapter Nine
Lucy stood in the middle of Romano's living room a couple of days later. Yesterday was Rebecca and Romano's joint memorial service. She knew that having the memorial services be combined might have seemed weird to some considering the pair didn't die from the same things. But to be honest, she had to do it that way. If she had two separate memorial services, she might have lost her mind. It was hard enough to get through one.
The service was nice, though she realized that Rebecca had more people come to celebrate her life. It seemed like most people thought of Romano's death as an afterthought and that angered her. There weren't even many people from the hospital who came to pay their respects. The few who did stop by, didn't stay long.
She knew that Romano had a gruff exterior and could certainly act like a prick. But she got to know him and knew that wasn't who he truly was. It was too bad no one else really took the time to get to know him.
Elizabeth sent some flowers and called to apologize for not flying in from Hawaii. But her daughter was sick and Lucy understood that took precedence over Romano's memorial.
Before the memorial, she was stopped by someone she didn't know and it changed her life.
"Excuse me, but are you Lucy Knight?" An older gentleman with slightly grey hair asked.
"Yes." She nodded. "Were you are friend of Rebecca or Robert?"
"Robert." He smiled, extending his hand out for her to shake. "My name is Darryl Dove."
She thought that was an interesting name. It was one she would have remembered Romano mentioning, but her mind was drawing a blank. "It's nice to meet you. How did you know Robert?"
"I was his personal attorney for years." Darryl replied. "Do you maybe have a moment to talk?"
She looked around. The memorial service hadn't started yet and she should be out here greeting guests. But she was curious what this man wanted to talk to her about. "Yeah, but just for a minute."
He directed her out one of the side doors, to a small courtyard that was empty. "It's nice for me to finally put a face to a name. Robert spoke very highly of you for the past several years. I don't know how much you and he talked about this kind of thing. But I am executor of his will and since he died before he married Rebecca, everything now goes to you."
"What do you mean?" Lucy chuckled.
"You get his whole estate."
"But that's impossible." She argued. "He would have told me about that, right?"
"Sometimes people do and sometimes they don't." Darryl answered. "A lot of people don't like to talk about their own death and the plans they have made. They get superstitious. Some people just want to avoid the topic altogether because it is uncomfortable for them."
"Ok." She sighed. Maybe it shouldn't surprise her that Romano didn't tell her about this. After all, he didn't think he would die now, and he was about to marry Rebecca. Maybe he thought that it was a moot point.
"So when you say everything, you mean his house and his car?" Her mind was already spinning thinking about how she was going to get everything cleaned up enough in his house to sell it because she wasn't going to be staying in Chicago and didn't need a house here.
"Yes." Darryl nodded. "I'm talking about the house, the car, all personal belongings and the ten million he had in savings, stocks and bonds."
She felt faint hearing that last part. "Excuse me?"
"Oh. Yes. He had a little less than ten million spread out between savings, stocks and bonds. It all goes to you now."
"That's…just…"
"I know." He nodded. "It's a lot to take in after everything that has happened. Are you still going to be in town for a few more days?"
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Here is my card." He handed her his business card. "Come by my office in the next couple of days. I'll answer any questions you have and we can sign all of the paperwork."
"Thanks." She called after him as he left the courtyard.
She still couldn't believe that he gave her everything. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised her. But the thing that made her head spin was that he had that much money saved up. He never let on that he was investing or had the money to invest. Granted, they didn't talk about money a lot. But this was surprising to say the least.
She tossed and turned last night, trying to figure out what to do about the money. It didn't seem right to take it after everything that happened upon her return to Chicago. It felt like blood money to her. There had to be something she could do with the money that wouldn't make her feel uncomfortable. She just wasn't sure what it was yet.
She came by today to get Rebecca's things together and start sorting everything in the house. Her aunt had requested her personal belongings be sent to her in Montana. She didn't mind boxing everything up since she also had to box up Romano's stuff too.
She brought what felt like a ton of boxes in to the house since she wasn't sure how many she would need. She decided to start with the living room and headed to the pictures first. She wrapped the picture frames up carefully before placing them in a box. When she got to the picture of the three of them, she picked it up and remembered that moment.
"Ok." Lucy cleared her throat and raised her glass. They were at dinner to celebrate their engagement. Romano had proposed to Rebecca last night during their trip to visit her in Minnesota. "I have a toast for the happy couple so you two better listen up."
"We're all ears." Rebecca smiled.
"You two are two of my favorite people in the world." She started. "I could not be more thrilled that you two have found love together and I wish you nothing but happiness together for the rest of your lives."
"Here here." Romano said with a smile. "Couldn't have said it better myself."
Rebecca stopped a waiter as he came by. "Excuse me, but can you please take a picture of the three of us?" She held up her phone.
"Sure." The waiter nodded.
The three of them all got closer and smiled.
This was one picture she was going to keep for herself. She continued on, separating the keepsakes into three piles. One pile for Rebecca, one to keep and one to donate. While sorting, she let her mind wander. The main place her mind wandered the most lately was Carter. She still felt terrible about what happened in her hotel room.
Lucy could tell that Carter had fallen asleep right after they had sex. Even after all of these years she could still recognize the sound of his breathing while he slept. She however, well she couldn't sleep.
She stayed awake, watching him as his chest went up and down. He had a peaceful look on his face and she envied him for that. It felt like there was a tornado happening in her mind. She kept screaming inside, wishing for anyone to come save her. Being around him helped quiet the noise, but the only time she was able to fully get rid of the tornado was when she had sex with him. And that wasn't fair to him.
After a while, she rolled on to her side so she wasn't facing him anymore.
The sex was great, as always. Not being in a public bathroom this time definitely made a difference. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that she was a selfish, terrible person.
To begin with, one of her closest and dearest friends died less than two days ago. Then her other closest and dearest friend died less than twelve hours ago. Both deaths she was involved in, and maybe even caused to a certain extent. But here she was, having great sex with Carter like nothing ever happened just to feel something other than the guilt, rage and sadness she was experiencing. It was terrible and she was ashamed of herself.
When she practically attacked Carter in the hallway she honestly thought maybe sex would help. Maybe it would turn this whole negative experience into a positive one. Maybe they could get back together and then there would be a silver lining to this dark cloud hanging over her head.
But now…now she realized that was crazy. She may love Carter, and Carter may love her…but she felt too damaged to ever make it work with him. There was no way she was in the right frame of mind to be with anyone.
She just wasn't sure how to tell Carter that. Initiating sex with him again was a horrible thing to do. Why didn't she learn her lesson the first time in the bathroom? Did she enjoy leading him on? Was it a compulsion? Payback?
It had taken her a while to realize she was just lost. There were all of these thoughts and emotions swirling inside her head that she couldn't do anything with right now. Feelings of guilt, remorse, sadness, anger and fear collided in her brain. They were joined by feelings of love and hope, but those feelings were severely outnumbered by the negative ones and stood no chance of being fully utilized.
She knew what she had to do. She only hoped she would be strong enough to do it.
Time seemed to move slowly, but before she knew it, she felt Carter roll over in the bed. It wasn't long before he started kissing her shoulder.
"Luce…" He whispered.
She rolled over so she could face him. There was such a pure smile on his face. She hated that she had to say these things to him. But he deserved to be with someone who was more put together than her, someone who wasn't as damaged inside, and someone who wasn't a complete and total jinx to those she loved.
"We need to talk."
He searched her face and sighed. "No. Lucy, c'mon. You can't do this to me again. You just can't."
"I'm sorry." She apologized.
"Look, I know you are going through a lot right now…hell, that's an understatement." He said, grabbing her hand. "But you don't have to go through it alone. I love you. So let me love you. Let me help you get through this."
"I can't." She said. "I'm sorry. I just am not in the right place right now for this. It's not fair to you that I keep doing this. I can't even seem to control it though. It's like a compulsion."
"Then let's forget about us for a moment and just let me be there for you as a friend." He reasoned.
"Carter…"
"NO." He scoffed, getting out of the bed and started to put his pants on. "I'm not going to stay and listen to you talk yourself out of being with me." He looked over at her. "I love you Lucy. I know you love me too. I also know you have got to be scared right now and in a lot of pain because of everything that has happened. But I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us."
She watched as he put his clothes back on. Once he was clothed, he came over to her side of the bed.
"If you need some time to realize we are meant to be, then take all the time you need. I'll wait because you're worth waiting for." He told her. "But please don't ever tell me that what we did was a mistake or that we can't be together. Those are lies and deep down you know that too."
He then kissed her passionately.
"I'm not giving up on you." Carter told her before leaving her hotel room.
She did love him. She probably loved him more now than she did when they were dating. But it wasn't fair to string him along when she wasn't able to be what he deserved.
She had finished with the living room and was debating where to go next when the doorbell rang. She wasn't expecting anyone and sighed. She wasn't in the mood to be around anyone right now either. Briefly she considered not answering the door. Ultimately though she decided to take a deep breath and open the door.
Standing there, looking nervous with his hands in his pants pockets, was Carter.
"Hey." He greeted.
"Hey." She said. They stood there in silence.
"Will you let me in?" He asked.
She didn't miss the double meaning behind that question and thought back to the memorial service.
The memorial service was about to start and she was getting ready to go sit in the front row when she saw Carter walking up to her.
"Hi." She greeted.
"Hi." He gave her a small smile. "You did a nice job planning this."
"Thanks." She said. "I just wish more people had shown up for Romano. 90% of the people are here for Rebecca."
"I'm actually not here for either of them." Carter told her. "I'm here for you."
"Carter…"
"As a friend." He clarified, holding his hands up in fake surrender.
"I could actually use a friend right about now." She admitted. "Will you sit with me?"
"Always." He told her, grabbing her hand.
He sat next to her through the whole memorial service, gently squeezing her hand occasionally as a sign of support. She may regret it later, but she moved out of the doorway and let him come inside.
"How did you find me?" She asked.
"When you weren't at your hotel I realized there were very few places you could be." He explained. Then he pointed to the boxes. "You're boxing things up?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm putting some stuff in storage, donating most things and then sending Rebecca's stuff to her family."
"Do you want some help?" He offered.
"I don't know." She answered honestly. There was a part of her that did want some help, but there was also a part of her that wasn't sure being around Carter right now was a good idea.
"We don't have to talk if you don't want to." He suggested. "We could even start in separate rooms. But you shouldn't have to pack up the whole house by yourself."
It meant a lot to her that he was willing to help. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to let him. Doing this by herself would take a long time. Having someone help would nice. "If you really want to pack up boxes, I guess I won't stop you."
He smiled. "Great." He then picked up a few boxes. "Where do you want me to start?"
"Do you want to help me with the kitchen?" She asked.
"Sure."
She picked up a few boxes and some wrapping materials too and they headed into the kitchen. "All of the dishes and stuff like that are going to be donated. So we're just going to box it all."
"You got it!" He acknowledged, getting to work on a nearby cabinet.
She got to work on a drawer on the other side of the kitchen, occasionally stealing glances at Carter. He was working hard and keeping quiet. While she thought she wanted quiet, it was awkward and weird.
"So, what's new?" She asked as casually as she could. She resisted the urge to look at him after asking the question. Instead she just kept packing a box.
He chuckled. "Not much."
"Is there any interesting hospital gossip going around?"
"The hospital is pretty quiet right now." He admitted.
"I see." She nodded.
"So what's new with you?" He asked with a chuckle.
She looked over at him and couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously?"
"Seriously." He nodded. "Isn't that what friends do? Ask about what's going on in each other's lives?"
She was quiet for a moment as she put kitchen utensils in a box. "Well, I didn't tell you this yesterday, but Romano made me the beneficiary of his estate."
"Estate?" Carter chuckled. "Did he actually have an estate or did he just call it an estate?"
"Apparently he actually had an estate." Lucy told him, looking over and meeting his glance. "This house, his car, all of his stuff and ten million dollars are all mine now."
He coughed. "Um…did you say…"
"Ten million?" She nodded. "Yeah. I did."
"Wow."
"Yeah." She nodded again. "Wow is an understatement."
"I had no clue."
"Neither did I." She said, taping up a box. "I don't feel like I should even take it though."
"Why not?" Carter asked. "He obviously wanted you to have it."
"It doesn't feel right." Lucy admitted. "I was driving the car when we crashed. It feels like blood money."
"You crashed because he was drunk and grabbed the steering wheel." Carter pointed out. "You didn't do anything wrong. He actually could have killed you by doing that."
"It feels like I did everything wrong since I came back." She argued. Then she rolled her eyes. "Never mind. It's not something you could ever understand."
He got quiet and focused on packing again. So she figured they were done talking for now.
A few minutes later, he spoke again quietly. "You're actually wrong. I do understand. I understand more than you know."
That comment sparked her curiosity. "How could you possibly know what it's like?"
"I never told you what Gamma wanted when she came into the ER that day, did I?"
"No." She shook her head. "You didn't." She had asked him on the roof once, but he yelled at her that it was none of her business and then stormed off.
"I didn't tell you because I was ashamed." Carter admitted. "The truth is, you weren't responsible for her stroke or her death. I was."
"How is that even possible?" Lucy questioned, walking over to his side of the kitchen.
"She came in that day to tell me that she had changed her will. She did what Romano did to you. She changed her will and left everything to me, skipping my dad in the process." Carter explained.
"Everything?" Lucy asked.
"Everything. All of the Carter family assets became mine…The money, the houses, the jet, the business and the foundation." Carter listed off. "She left everything to me and expected me to quit medicine when she died so that I could run the business and the foundation. But I argued with her, refused it all and acted like a petulant child. I basically spit in her face and refused to listen to her about it. I acted like her life's work was beneath me because I was a doctor. Then she had the stroke and died."
Without thinking, she enveloped Carter in a big hug. "Her stroke wasn't your fault. You know arguing doesn't cause a stroke, especially the type of stroke she had."
"But it is hard when you're in that situation to remember that and believe it." He reasoned. "You know how that is, don't you?"
"Yeah. I do." She nodded. She did know how that felt. "I'm sorry Carter. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She pulled back from the hug, putting a little distance between them.
"I let it determine my life for several years. It played a part in destroying our relationship and was one of the reasons I went over to Africa. I thought maybe I could help people and I truly didn't care if I put myself in dangerous situations. I actually tried to put myself in situations that were dangerous. I just wanted to get away from everything." He explained.
She thought about this new information and it started to make sense. He felt guilty and thought he caused his grandmother's stroke so he threw the blame on to her as a way to try and cope. It didn't make it ok, but it was nice to have an explanation for it.
"My parents were horrible to you at the funeral because they were lashing out against me. I didn't know it at the time, but they had just found out what Gamma had done. You unfortunately got caught in the crossfire and I will forever be sorry about that. They treated you terribly, and I added to it by saying things to you that I didn't mean. But the words were horrible and unforgivable." He was quiet for a moment. "I shouldn't have forced you to go with me to the memorial. Maybe then things would have been different."
"Maybe." She nodded. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. Do you still believe you were responsible for her stroke?"
"No." He shook his head. "I realize now that it was going to happen no matter what I said to her. I just feel guilty that my last conversation with her was one where we were arguing."
"She knew you loved her though." Lucy told him.
"Anyway…" He went back to packing his boxes. "I just wanted to let you know that I do know kind of what you are going through."
"I guess you do." She conceded. "So are you running the business and the foundation now?"
"I gave up the seat as the chairman of the board of the business. But I still have a seat on the board. When I came back from Africa I started becoming more involved with the foundation."
"That's good." She told him with a smile.