Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
Chapter Eleven
Four Months Later
Lucy stood in front of the full length mirror in her hotel room, examining herself from every angle. There were certain angles where she couldn't tell her was pregnant, other angles just made her look fatter and some angles gave it away completely.
She sighed. It was time for a different shirt. That might help. While looking through her suitcase, she thought back to when she found out she was pregnant.
Lucy sat in the exam room, anxious to get this appointment done. It was time for her annual physical. Although she was a doctor herself, she hated doctor's appointments. After what seemed like hours, the door finally opened.
"Good afternoon Lucy." Dr. Sears greeted, sitting down. "How are you feeling?"
"Excellent." Lucy explained, sitting down on the edge of the exam table.
"So I have your blood work results. Have you been experiencing any fatigue?" He asked, taking a look at her chart.
"Not ?" She shook her head. "Did my blood work show anemia or something?"
"It didn't show anemia. All of your levels look normal." Dr. Sears chuckled. "It shows you are pregnant though. Congratulations."
She sat there, staring at her doctor for a few minutes. Pregnant? Well there was only one possible father and that was Carter. She closed her eyes tightly as she hung her head. She was on birth control but with everything being so out of control there were a couple of days where she missed taking her pills. And their sex was unprotected. "Oh shit." She whispered softly.
"I take it this was not a planned pregnancy?"
"No." Lucy opened her eyes. "It wasn't planned at all."
"Do you want to know how far along you are?"
"Oh I already know." She chuckled. It has been about seven weeks since she left Chicago. "Wow."
"I know this is a lot to take in." Dr. Sears said.
"Oh…" She covered her mouth with her hands. "I have drank alcohol…not a lot, but a couple of beers."
"As long as you stop drinking now that you know you are pregnant, I don't see any reason to be alarmed."
"Yeah. You're right. That was a silly question." Lucy nodded. She should have remembered that from med school. But right now her mind was swimming.
"Do you have an OBGYN?" Dr. Sears asked.
"Um, yeah." Lucy nodded absentmindedly.
"Ok. You'll want to call them and schedule an appointment to get checked out."
"Sure." Lucy nodded again.
"Do you have any questions or concerns?"
The only concerns she had were how she was going to tell Carter and what they were going to do about this baby. She knew she was going to keep it no matter what. But she wasn't sure about Carter's role since she hadn't heard from him after leaving Chicago.
"No. I'm fine." Lucy finally replied.
She smoothed out the shirt and then looked at herself in the mirror. "That's a little better." She then sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. There was a lot to do today. A part of her wondered why she thought coming here unannounced like this was such a good idea. But the other part of her realized this was what she needed to do. This was where she needed to be now. She only hoped Carter would agree.
When she got home from her doctor's appointment, she laid on the couch. Pregnant. That word kept echoing in her ear.
This wasn't supposed to happen and definitely shouldn't have happened like this, with her and Carter living separate lives. She left him that note before she came back to Minnesota, and foolishly hoped he would call her, write her a letter, send an email, fax a letter to her or something to answer her note. She would have settled for carrier pigeons or smoke signals at this point. But she hadn't heard anything from him. So that was his answer.
She had been prepared to let him go. She would mourn the loss of their relationship again and then try to eventually move on. But this baby had to change things. She couldn't keep this baby a secret from him. That wouldn't be right. Even if he didn't want to have anything to do with the child, he deserved to at least know about them and have a chance to be a part of their life.
It left her with a difficult choice…how to tell him. She couldn't call him because she didn't have his phone number. She couldn't write a letter because she didn't know where he lived, and she didn't want to send the letter to the hospital or call him there. She supposed she could call County and talk to Morris. Maybe he would give her Carter's phone number or address. But that seemed like a cowardly way to handle this.
They were having a child together. He deserved to know that in person.
She decided to wait until after she was out of the first trimester to go to Chicago and tell Carter about the baby. After all, it was entirely possible she could miscarry. Then there wouldn't be anything to tell. Though that was the last thing she wanted.
A baby complicated things in her life. It wasn't part of her plan right now. She always knew she wanted to have at least one or maybe two kids at some point. But she always thought she would be married and settled in her career before that happened. Still…the thought of a child that was half her and half Carter warmed her heart.
Yes, she would wait until after the first trimester was done.
After she passed the first trimester mark, she kept finding ways to stall her trip to Chicago. She postponed one time because of her surgical schedule. One time she postponed because she was too nervous. But the main reason for her postponements was her proposal to the board of County.
She had finally decided what to do with the money Romano left her. She would petition the board to let her open the Robert Romano Cardiothoracic Surgical and Research Center through the hospital. She had done the research and figured out that if they opened a surgical center specifically to do simple and complex cardiothoracic procedures, they could not only help the community, but make more profit to offset the patients that come in without insurance.
They could also run clinical trials and the research could draw in some serious donors and grants for the hospital. She thought it would be a good fit and a good way to honor Romano and help improve the visibility of the hospital at the same time.
Now she just had to convince the board that it was a good idea. She knew that many of them didn't like Romano so she had to hope that they saw past that part and focused on the lives they could save.
She took a huge leap of faith coming here. She quit her job, got rid of her apartment and put her stuff in storage. If things didn't work out here in Chicago, she wasn't sure where she would go. Perhaps she could go back to St. Louis, but she didn't really want to. She wanted things to work out here.
She took one last look in the mirror before grabbing her stuff and heading out.
"Does anyone have any questions?" Lucy asked the board after she finished her presentation.
"No Dr. Knight. I think you have been very thorough." Dr. Anspaugh told her. "If you want to wait outside, we can discuss this further."
"Of course." She said, leaving the room. She took a deep breath as soon she shut the door. Putting her stuff down on a nearby chair, she started to pace.
"Lucy?"
She turned and saw Kerry Weaver headed her way. "Hi."
"I thought that was you. What are you doing here?" Kerry asked, giving her a hug.
"I…well I had a proposition for the board. They are discussing it right now."
"That's nerve-wracking." She laughed. "What is the proposition?"
"I want to fund a surgical and research center in Dr. Romano's name with the money he left me." Lucy explained.
Kerry looked at her like she had grown a second head. "Robert left you money? I wasn't aware he had money to leave behind."
"Neither was I." Lucy chimed in. "But he left me money and I want to do something worthwhile with it."
"Well good for you." Kerry smiled. "Are you back for good?"
"Possibly." Lucy chuckled. "It depends on what the board decides and if Carter is ok with it."
"Well you'll have to wait to find out about Carter's feelings about it." Kerry told her.
"Why?" Lucy asked.
She paused for a moment. "Have you been in contact with him lately?"
"No." She shook her head. "I haven't talked to him since I went back to Minnesota. Why?"
"He's been getting closer to someone else." Kerry explained. "Her name is Abby. Right now, they are on a trip to try and find her brother."
"Oh." Her heart sank. So not only did Carter not want to respond to her letter, he wanted to move on. He had every right to do so, but it still hurt. A part of her wondered if showing up like this and springing the news of the baby was the right thing to do anymore.
"I don't know if they are just friends or something more." Kerry told her. "I probably shouldn't have even said anything. I'm sorry."
"No." She shook her head. "It's ok."
"I really am sorry Lucy." Kerry apologized again.
"It's fine." She assured the woman. Carter was a free man. They weren't in a relationship. So he was free to do whatever he wanted. If that means spending more time with Abby, then that was his right.
The door opened and Dr. Anspaugh came out. "Oh hello Kerry."
"Hello Donald." Kerry greeted.
"Dr. Knight, we are ready for you to come back in."
"Great." She was now a mess inside after hearing that Carter might be moving on with someone new. She only hoped that the board had good news for her. Otherwise she might end up crying in front of all of them, and that would be embarrassing. "I'll see you later." She said to Kerry before following Dr. Anspaugh inside.
"We have discussed your proposal, as well as voted on it." Dr. Anspaugh started as he sat down. "We have decided to approve your request to form a cardiothoracic surgery and research center, and we would like you to run it."
"You want me to run it?" She was surprised. She figured she would help get it started but then hand it off to someone with more experience running something like this.
"You are forming this with money Dr. Romano left to you, and you are using his name." Dr. Anspaugh stated. "It makes sense that you are the one running it. You're an extremely determined young woman. You'll do a great job and you have the full backing of the board."
"Well thank you." Lucy managed to say. "Thank you very much. I won't let you down."
"That's all for today people." Dr. Anspaugh told everyone.
Lucy watched everyone file out of the conference room. Her mind was racing, making lists of what she needed to do next. She noticed Dr. Anspaugh standing in front of her.
"It will be nice to have you back in this hospital again. Make sure to go down to human resources and get a new badge. Make sure they assign you an office too. You're going to need one. If you run into any problems or have any questions about how to get started, my door is always open to you."
"Thank you Dr. Anspaugh." She smiled.
"You're a heavy hitter in this hospital now that you are running your own surgical center. I think you can call me Donald." He smiled back.
Her smiled got wider.
"Look…I know many of us didn't necessarily like Robert on a personal level." He sighed. "But he was a damn fine surgeon and has been missed around here. Dedicating this surgical center to him is a good idea and I commend you for it."
"Thank you Dr…I mean Donald." She corrected herself.
After he left the room she took a deep breath. One thing on her list was accomplished. Now she just had to wait until Carter got back and then she could try to talk to him. She put her hand on her stomach. "Ok baby. Mama has succeeded with one of her goals. How about we get a chocolate milkshake to celebrate?"
A short time later, Lucy was seated at a booth near the door Doc Magoo's, eating a large chocolate milkshake. She was thinking about exactly what she would say to Carter. While she hoped that Kerry was wrong and that Abby and Carter were just friends, she had to accept the fact that Carter may have decided to move on. If that was the case, she would have to deal with the fact that he may want to be in the child's life but not hers. She was lost in thought that at first she didn't notice someone sitting down across from her.
"Lucy! I thought it was you!" Morris smiled. "How are you doing?"
She smiled back. "I'm good. How are you?"
"I can't complain. I just started dating a cop named Claudia and I think it's going pretty well so far."
"That's great!" She nodded. "I'm happy for you."
"So what are you doing back here?" He asked. "I wasn't sure you would ever come back."
"I almost didn't come back." She admitted. "But I'm starting a surgical and research center in Romano's name within the hospital."
"Wow. That's quite a big undertaking."
"Yeah." She agreed. "Hopefully I don't mess it up."
"Ah, I don't think you have to worry about that."
"Thanks." She said. She had to try extra hard to make this next question sound casual. "So I ran into Kerry and she said something about Carter being out of town?"
"Yeah." Morris nodded. "He actually called yesterday. He's on his way back here and should be back sometime today. He went with Abby to find her brother. It's a long story, but basically her brother is bipolar. He went off his meds and disappeared. Abby wanted to go find him and try to get him in for treatment. Carter volunteered to go with her."
"That's nice of him to do that for her." Lucy said.
Morris chuckled. "Don't try to play poker. Your poker face sucks."
"Alright." She sighed. "Is he seeing Abby?"
Morris sighed. "I know they have had dinner together a couple of times. But I think they are just friends."
"I see." She wasn't sure what to do with that information.
"Sorry I don't have any other information for you on it." He apologized. "Carter's been…well he would kill me if he knew I was telling you this. So you have to promise you won't repeat it, ok?"
"Ok."
"He's been depressed since you left" Morris explained. "There isn't much that makes him happy anymore. I think he hangs out with Abby because she isn't exactly Little Miss Sunshine herself either. I've been trying to be there for him, but I can tell he doesn't want to hang out because I'm happier than he is right now."
"Did you give him the note that night?" Lucy asked.
"Yes." Morris replied. "He wasn't happy to get a note. He really was hoping to find you before you left."
"If I had seen him that night, I probably wouldn't have left." She admitted. "But I needed to go. I had to work through some things by myself." She looked at her watch. "Oh, I should get going and head to HR before they close for the day." She scooted to the edge of the booth and turned her body to get up.
Morris laughed. "Um…Lucy?"
"Yeah?" She asked as she stood up.
He stood up too. "Ok, so if I'm wrong…please feel free to slap me because I'll deserve it. But are you pregnant?"
Her eyes went wide. "Um…"
"Oh…you are." He smiled. "I'm glad I don't have to be slapped. But that is surprising."
"How could you tell?" She panicked.
"Just the way you were moving to get out of the booth, coupled with the way you look from the side." He explained. "Have you told Carter yet?"
"I haven't told anyone yet." She sighed.
"Is that part of the reason you came back?" He asked.
"Yes." She nodded. "Morris, if you tell anyone…and that includes Carter…I will permanently sew your mouth shut. Do you understand me?"
"I think so." He nodded.
"I plan on telling Carter. I really do. I just need to do it face to face." She explained.
"That's fine." He nodded again. "Can I be the first to say congratulations?"
She smiled as he gave her a hug. "Thanks."
"I have to get back to the ER because my break is almost over. Do you want to walk over together?" He offered.
"Sure." She nodded. "You can tell me more about Claudia."
"Well she is great…" Morris started.
Carter watched as Abby went with Eric upstairs to get checked into the psych ward. They were lucky they found him in Oklahoma, though selfishly he would have liked it better if Eric had fled to Minnesota. Then he would have had a valid reason for checking in with Lucy. But that wasn't meant to be so he let it go.
He still hadn't read the letter. It was tucked away in his bedside drawer. He would pull it out several times a week and try to command himself to read it. But it was no use. He couldn't bear to open it because he knew what it would say. Goodbye…I do love you…I'm sorry. It would be the same stuff she said at dinner and he couldn't handle it.
He was standing at the front desk with his back to the door when he thought he heard Lucy's laugh. He did this often. He would hear someone talk or laugh and then think he was hearing Lucy.
"There's no way that really happened." Lucy laughed.
"I swear to God it did!" Morris laughed.
"That is such bad luck though!" Lucy giggled.
Carter turned around and was face to face with Lucy. So he wasn't imagining things this time. There she was, laughing and chatting with Morris like they were best friends.
"Carter! Man, you're back!" Morris greeted, slapping him on the arm. "Where is Abby's brother?"
"Upstairs. She took him to get checked out." Carter explained, his eyes never leaving Lucy.
"Good. I'm glad." Morris went behind the counter and got a file. "I'm going to go see some patients now."
"Hi." Lucy finally greeted.
"Hi." He greeted back.
"How are you?"
"Fine." He replied a little too gruffly.
"Can I talk to you?" She asked.
"We're talking right now." He pointed out.
"No." She shook her head. "I mean talk in private."
"I don't think we have anything to talk about."
"I have some things I need to talk to you about." She told him.
"I don't want to talk." He explained.
"Ok. If you aren't ready to talk right now, you can find me at the same hotel I stayed in last time."
"If I find some time, maybe I'll stop by." He said.
"Ok." She sighed, walking past him.
He watched her go to the elevator, wondering where she was going and why she was here. Was she going to be working here? What was she doing back in Chicago at all? She made it seem like she was never going to come back again. Now all of a sudden she was back and wanted to talk to him.
Well maybe he didn't want to talk to her right now. Maybe he didn't care that she was back in town and wasn't dying to know how long she was staying. Maybe he wanted to avoid her for the rest of his life because he hated her. Maybe he had moved on and didn't want her anymore. There was only one flaw with that logic. Those statements would be lies.
He knew that he had no control over it. No matter how hurt he was that she left four months ago, he would be knocking on her hotel door later.