I'm Left In The Dust…

A/N: Disclaimer, I've only been to Washington DC once so any claims I make to the area are purely fictitious. Certainly don't remember seeing the Potomac. Lol. I used to run back in 2015 and trained along the South Bank in London, I would cross a bridge and run on the north bank because it was quieter. So thats where the running came from.

Many thanks to my friend Charlie who helped with the pain analogies.

Song is: Rising Upside Down - SYML

Part Three: I Can't Feel Your Touch…

He felt wounded but betrayals always did sting. It was worse than that this time, the wound from her first betrayal had been ripped open, left gaping, left to bleed and he felt it deeply. He felt responsible too. He had allowed his feelings to blur the lines, her first betrayal had been one he thought he'd never recover from. This was a situation of his own making, that's what she'd said. That he hadn't ever fostered reciprocity. He hadn't he supposed, he had been too busy worrying about her getting hurt, protecting her had been his only priority and yet she had been hurt over and over. He wasn't a fool, he knew if they carried on this way, it would push her too far. Further than she'd already had been. Just how far was he willing to push her. Hadn't she had enough, hadn't she strengthened enough. She had a strength of will that some people would never have. Had he fostered that much at least? It pained him to think about. It was hard to blur the lines, hard enough to let her in but he loved her against all reason. He knew what she felt like now, knew the feel of her lips against his, he wasn't sure he could walk away from that. The feelings she had awoken in him had long since been dormant. He hadn't allowed anyone in like that in a long time, hardening his heart, his soul against anyone that dare try.

He had put her on a pedestal of course, thought she was perfect but she was real, with real fallacies and when pushed too far, did things he could never have anticipated. He hadn't be able to gage her reactions. Had he even truly known her, he thought he had or had that just been the idea of her. He had known factoids, had seen glimpses as he'd watched from the shadows but what she would do in the situations he put her in, what she would do when confronted with the actualities of her life, what she would do under the pressure of him knowing everything and she nothing. He had dangled the truth in front of her, like a carrot on a stick waving scraps in front of her face, to see what she'd do. Was it any surprise she had bitten back when he had teased her with the bare minimum. Did he only have himself to blame? He wondered in the darkness of his cell.

He kept coming back to betrayal, was it always inevitable when trusting people close to him, had she betrayed him because he wouldn't or couldn't give her what she desired most - the knowledge of where she came from, her heritage, a family and he had ultimately destroyed the one she had tried to create, even if it had been a lie. He knew he had the power to give her that now, whether he felt inclined or not. The wound was deep, the pain, a malevolent beetle that wormed it's way under his skin taking up residence in his bones with every thought, every feeling he felt about her. It burrowed into the very marrow and settled in the centre, sharp and keenly aware of the damage it caused.

Liz had been teetering on the cusp between professionalism and outright derangement. The pressures of the last twenty-four hours were catching up with her and she felt like she was losing her grip. She had held it together at the prison and her brain wouldn't allow her to even entertain the ramifications of what that all meant but now as she was stood in Ressler's living room barking orders at him to cut open the stomach of Jankowics' drug mule, panic clear in her voice, she felt the line begin to fray. She held a damp cloth to the young woman's forehead, watching while Ressler opened the incision line on the girl's lower abdomen. She held her head between her hands as she seized, the acrid smell of vomit around them now mixing with the tang of blood. She reached for Ressler's house phone, dialling 911 as the woman fell limp already too late for anyone to save her. Liz's stomach sank, her eyes focusing on Ressler's as they both sat back shocked, stark and pale between them.

She stood dumbly, her eyes focused on the dead girl, panic already blooming across her chest. Her vision blurring, edging in blackness as she headed for the bathroom without a further word. She locked the door, her trembling fingers fumbling with the lock as the tears came then, her breaths sharpening, quickening in her constricting throat. She sat on the closed toilet seat, chest heaving and panting, a whistling moan escaping her throat. She closed her eyes, her head dizzy as she gripped the sink with white fingers.

'Liz' Ressler called through the door as he knocked. 'We have an address for the meet…' He called again but she was gone, lost to the panic and pain of the last twenty-four hours and the only thing she could grasp hold of during that moment was the look of adoration on Red's face as he had held her early that morning. She wanted that now, his arms around her, his face in front of her reassuring her that everything would be alright but he wasn't there and he was angry and just the thought made her ribs spasm painfully.

'Liz?' Ressler called again, worry in his tone as her panicked gasps filtered through the bathroom door. 'Hey, open the door…' He asked gruffly. She couldn't move beyond both hands grabbing hold of the sink to steady herself. Her head fell against the porcelain, too dizzy and lightheaded to think about reaching across the space. 'Liz, c'mon open the door…' He asked again, rattling the handle like it would make any difference.

A sob escaped her lips and she burrowed her face into her upper arm, biting down against the fabric of her jacket, her nostrils flaring with the effort. She had to stop before Ressler forced his way into the bathroom and saw her but she couldn't seem to find the techniques that would help her, let alone implement them. Breathe Lizzy, breathe. She heard his soothing voice somewhere in the back of her mind, distant at first but it was like a light in the darkness, something to hold onto when she couldn't remember anything else. Breathe Lizzy, breathe. Her body shuddered, her mind forming around the only name she wanted right now. Red. She breathed his name, felt it wash over her soothing like a balm. His hands on her, brushing her hair back away from her face. His face floated in front of her exuding the same adoration it had held in the early morning. She felt his kisses against her wet cheeks, the way he nuzzled into her, the press of his lips against her brow, her temple, below her ear. She reached out in her mind, folding his presence around her like a comforting blanket, easing the ache, easing the effort of each breath.

When she felt the hand on her back, her face was still buried in the crook of her elbow, her eyes squeezed shut. She felt the hand on her hair, the warm presence beside her and her first thought was of him. Somehow he had found a way to be there, somehow he had found her locked in Ressler's bathroom and he had come for her. When the hands pulled her into a warm embrace, his name escaped her lips. The foreign yet familiar scent filled her lungs as she looked up into the confused face of Ressler. He held her for a moment, rubbing her arm before she found the strength to pull away and sit upright. Her breath shuddered on a deep inhale before she let it go, her cheeks colouring as Ressler held her gaze. She sniffed, reaching for some toilet tissue, her upper back aching and her body drained. He crouched in front of her, his brow pulled into a deep frown.

'Does that happen a lot?' He asked before she blew her nose. She blinked back at him for a moment, her eyelashes wet and stuck together.

She shrugged trying to find her voice, 'Not as much anymore.' She choked out, her voice hoarse and her throat aching.

'Why did you never say anything?' He asked then, placing a hand on her arm, concern in his face.

She shrugged one shoulder, 'It never came up.' And in truth it hadn't. He wasn't exactly the most observant when it came to the feelings of others.

'I'm sorry.' He murmured, 'But Reddington knows?' He asked then his way of letting her know he had heard his name on her lips. She saw something reflected in his eyes, something that looked like jealousy. She turned away, she didn't want to see it right then or ever if she was honest.

'He knows everything, doesn't he?' She replied absently, using the sink to help her stand on shaky legs. He held her elbow until she was steady, rising with her. 'C'mon lets go and get Jennifer' She suggested, anything to get out of that small room and away from his eyes that held too much.

'Once we do this, we'll know the truth. It'll be over…' She remembered saying the words, relief washing over her at the prospect of the end. Some mythical place that now she wasn't sure would ever really exist. What did the end even look like? Find out his identity and then what? He would magically forgive her and they would go off into the sunset together?

They had got Jennifer back, beaten and bruised but she was safe. Her lead had taken them to Jankowics's base of operations to find Renard. She should've known as she spoke the words that nothing was ever as easy as she first thought. The house had been empty of course, no sign of Renard or anyone else for that matter.

'So it's not over.' Jennifer told her now, safe back at her apartment. Despite her swollen eye and bruises, she seemed to be doing okay.

'Without Jankowics, she doesn't have the resources to run. We can find her again.' Liz told her, watching her sister packing up her things and throwing them into her bag on the chair.

'I don't think so.' Jen told her, expelling the air from her lungs in a heavy sigh.

'We can do this…' Liz affirmed, tenacity firing up in her belly at the doubt in Jennifer's voice.

'I don't mean that. I mean me. I… I don't think I can do this…' She looked up at Liz, nodding. 'I spent my whole life running from Reddington because I didn't want his world bleeding into mine.'

Liz took a step, her chin raised, 'We are so close.' She affirmed again, making the words clear with her dogged resolve.

'Yeah, but to what?' She shook her head, 'To becoming him?' She met Liz's eye with a determination of her own. 'I was always so afraid of what he might do to me and my mother, and now I'm equally afraid of what he's making me want to do to him.'

'I understand how you're feeling. Believe me, I do. But you're like me. You will find a way to…' She declared, her eyes flashing at her sister, nodding before Jen cut in.

'To do what? To get used to it?' Jen whispered desperately, her face creasing as she watched her younger sister.

'I was gonna say survive…' Her lip trembled slightly, emotions beginning to well up inside her.

'Like you have? Like you've adapted and survived? I don't care that you say he hasn't influenced you and you might be right, he might not have but look what you had to do today to get me back. I don't want to be a part of that. I can't be a part of that.' She told her, her eyes deep with sadness as she watched the tremble in her sister's lip. Liz wet her lips, moving back to sit in the chair behind her as Jen came around to sit opposite her.

She took a deep breath, letting go in a rush, 'I'm sorry, Liz. I really am.' She said with conviction, not looking at her. Liz had turned away, trying to quell the raging tidal wave that was approaching.

'Where are you gonna go? She whispered her mouth downturned, turning back to Jen.

'I've got a friend with a place on Long Island…' She nodded, 'It's peaceful there this time of year. I could use peaceful.' Liz let out a deep breath, rising from her chair to reach out for her older sister and pulling her into a hug.

'This will end. And when it does, I'll find you.' She mumbled into her sister's hair.

Red was sat at the small desk in his newly pimped out cell, thanks to his problem solving skills and the warden. His phone buzzed once before he opened it and lifted it to his ear, Dembe's mellifluous voice filtering down the line.

'I acquired the package.' He inform him, evenly.

'Did she say anything before you got there? To Jennifer?' He asked trying to mask the desperation he felt, already knowing the answer. He rested his elbow on the desk, leaning into it.

'Yes. That Katarina arranged the procedure. Nothing more.' Dembe replied smoothly.

'That's more than enough. You know what needs to be done.' He told his friend, the urgency he felt bleeding into his voice.

'There are alternatives. Talk to Elizabeth, Raymond.' Dembe urged, always the calm voice on the horizon of a storm.

'I already have but now Elizabeth will stop at nothing, knowing her mother was involved. Wherever we put Renard, she'll be found, and she'll talk. I'd do it myself if I could, but I can't, and it must be done.

'You can explain this. She's willing to listen and already knows the beginning of the story. I know she hurt you but you do love her. She just wants to know the truth.' He reasoned calmly.

'She has another secret, she told me as much. How much more can she be hiding?' He murmured asking his friend for reassurance.

'Ask her Raymond, clear the air with her and you will find a way for you to both be honest.' The truth was always elusive, he always thought so but he knew Dembe wouldn't steer him in the wrong direction. If she could open up and tell him, could he also do the same?

'Will you take care of Renard?' He asked changing the subject to the matter at hand and forcing Elizabeth into his periphery.

'Yes, Raymond.' His friend had replied before he snapped the phone shut, Elizabeth rising in his mind like a wave.

She had set a steady pace, her feet pounding the pavement as she dodged people on the busy streets. After Jennifer had left she felt antsy, pacing her apartment and turning her attention to several tasks but unable to settle on anything. She was beyond exhausted, her limbs heavy and tired but she pulled on her running gear and her sneakers ignoring her body's pleas for a good meal and sleep.

At first she had wanted to sprint as she had done in the woods so long ago, exhaust herself until her tired legs refused to be lifted for another step. She wanted to feel the burn in her lungs, the power in her legs but there were just too many people and she was already annoyed at having to dodge them. She turned away from the populated area, turning towards the park as she bounced lightly on the balls of her feet. She felt free, like she could just keep going forever and never get tired. Sometimes running felt like flying and now was one of those times. The nervous energy expelling her forward, shaking loose the events of the last thirty-six hours, shedding them with each step she took as she flew along the trail towards the Potomac. When she got to the river she slowed her pace, the ache in her lungs and back making themselves known. As she approached the trail along the river, her phone began to buzz in the sleeve of her armband, the tone loud and pausing the music she was listening to. Irritated she slowed to a stop, her breath heavy as she clicked the button on the mic of her headphones, to answer the call. She took a deep steadying breath, she couldn't see who it was without taking her phone out of the sleeve.

'Hello…' She answered, the irritated edge present in her voice. She placed her hands on her hips, walking along the well lit river and passing the odd dog walker as she went.

'Elizabeth' He intoned, his voice neutral.

'Hey…' She breathed, trying to catch her breath, 'I wasn't expecting you to call.'

'Is something wrong?' He asked hearing her panting breaths as she attempted to regain normal breathing.

'No I was just running…'

'From someone? Did you not get Jennifer back? Where's Ressler?' He quick fired questions at her, concern in his tone.

'No… Red. We got Jennifer back. I had to get out of the apartment… I had to do something… Constructive.'

'Trying to outrun your problems? Believe me it doesn't work' He grumbled down the line. She paused to look out at the river, stretching her calf against the bottom of the railing.

She sighed deeply her breathing returning to normal. 'Are we going to argue? Because I'm not sure I have the energy right now' moving to stretch the opposite calf. She reached for her foot, stretching out her thigh as she folded it behind her.

'I don't want to argue but I do want you to tell me what Jennifer told you.' His tone was suddenly stern, sending a chill down her back.

'Can't we just talk about the fact that we kissed and what that means?' She asked hopeful for a distraction, her belly dipping at the thought. She reached down for her other foot, pulling it up behind her, she winced at it's tightness.

'No. Because I can't think about that now…' He ground out, an edge to his voice. 'I need to know what you know, what you've not told me because I can't get passed that fact you've known all this time.' She heard the pain in his voice, it was clear and it made her cringe, shrinking back within herself because she had been the cause.

She let out another breath, turning to head back the way she had come.

'I didn't mean to hurt you. I just knew you wouldn't tell me the truth, I knew that you would stop me by any means necessary…' She began, knowing her words sounded empty and hollow despite meaning them. He made a non committal grunt so she took that to mean she should continue.

'I know my mother arranged the surgery. I don't know why or who you changed from. Renard was gone when we arrived at Jankowics' house. I want to know but I also want you to feel like you can tell me. I don't want to force out of you in an ultimatum.' She offered the last of her words as a bridge between them, making an effort to minimise the damage she had already caused.

'Renard is with Dembe…' He informed her, she stilled her steps slightly taken aback with his candour.

'What's he going to do with her?' She was almost afraid to ask, nerves fluttered softly in the pit of her stomach.

'He'll take care of her…' Her eyes narrowed as she quickened her pace, feeling the familiar tightness settle across her chest, she wanted to run again.

'What does that even mean? You've taken her so I can't speak with her, is that it? You know how controlling that is right?' She quickened her pace further, beginning to trot and then jog as silence descended over the line.

'What else?' He asked gruffly ignoring her concerns and listening to her heavier breathing, her steps making a crunching sound as her foot struck the gravel of the trail.

'What do you mean?' Her words fell heavier with the exertion of activity.

'What are you doing?' He asked, listening to her breath coming in quicker pants.

'Running… I can still talk…' She began before he cut her off.

'Stop…' He commanded, she lifted her chin stubbornly quickening her pace. It was a straight patch of trail along the river and it was relatively clear.

'No.' She ground out stubbornly, her legs pumping beneath her to propel her faster until she was sprinting. He heard her feet pounding against the trail, the gravel crunching beneath each step.

'Elizabeth, you don't need to…' He broached in a softer tone.

'Don't I?' She gasped out, her lungs beginning to burn wishing she'd remember to bring a bottle of water with her. She turned onto the path that led back toward the city, her footfalls changing in sound as the path changed from gravel to pavement. 'I need… The feeling… To go… Away…' She gasped out, it was harder to talk at this speed.

'What feeling?' He asked, his tone more gentle, more soothing as he sensed her distress.

'Panic…' She only needed to say that one word and he understood, she could almost hear the cogs turning.

'You had a panic attack today.' It wasn't a question, more of a realisation. She couldn't keep up the pace, her legs beginning to feel like lead as her lungs burned, her throat going dry with the effort.

'Mmm hmm…' She slowed her pace, her side twinging in the beginnings of a stitch. 'At… Ressler's.' She slowed to a stop panting, folding forward and digging her fingers into the pain in her side.

'He saw?' He asked, his tone one she couldn't figure out as she took a deep breath, holding it as she filled her lungs to capacity, trying to ease the stitch. She stood upright, her head swimming for a moment.

'I couldn't hide it so yeah…' She told him before forcing her legs to move before she became too stiff.

She heard him take a breath, breathing out through his nose, she assumed from the way it sounded against the microphone. 'I'm sorry…' He spoke, his voice sounding pained against the quiet path.

'I know I have been less than forthcoming about my past and yours, I did want to protect you from the pain of it but I do see how that's hurt you and pushed you away… I'm not good at being open.' His voice was thick with emotion and she stopped for a moment not wanting the noise of the city to interfere from her ability to hear what he was saying. 'If it goes badly for me in court, I don't want there to be anything left unsaid when the time comes.'

'What?' she choked out, 'Don't say that. It won't come to that…' She quickened her steps again, wanting more than anything to be home in the quiet space of her apartment. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, her throat aching from the sprint as well as pent up emotion.

'If it does… I know there's something else and I am grateful you haven't asked me about my identity. I want you to know that I appreciate you not asking… Sometimes the questions… I want to answer but there are things that I promised your mother I wouldn't tell you…'

'Is your identity one of those things?' She asked, aware she was in fact asking a question.

'No. Things she did or said, that she didn't want you to know. She didn't want you to see her in a different light.'

'I barely remember her…' She spoke almost wistfully, turning onto the block where her apartment was.

'Perhaps that's for the best…' He told her softly.

'Thank you for apologising, I appreciate you taking responsibility for the role you've played. I know that must have been difficult…' She acknowledged softly,

'I've come to the realisation that in the beginning I put you on a pedestal. I was in love with the idea of you but I didn't know you yet, not the substance of you. I was in love with the idea of what we could achieve together without acknowledging the you in any of it.' His voice wavered slightly, her heart clenching at his words as she opened the door to the lobby. 'I wanted to believe that I knew what you would do when I put you in these dangerous situations but you just completely blindsided me every time. I know when you fought me, you did so for the preservation of your autonomy and I'm sorry I didn't take that into account.' He paused, taking an audible breath as she pulled open the door to the stairwell.

'Red…' She murmured unable to take the pain in his voice as she ascended the stairs.

'No let me finish… I need to know what else you're hiding because I can't move forward with you until you say it. I can't allow myself to open up if you don't tell me what you did.' Her eyes narrowed for a moment as she took the stairs two at a time. Her muscles leadened and weary. Irritation beginning to prickle.

'So you can apologise but not open up until I've told you everything. You do see the irony in that right? You with all the secrets…' She let out a humourless laugh, reaching her floor. 'You expect me to open myself up to you, risk you walking away from me but you won't do the same for me?'

'Elizabeth…' He intoned, 'Do you really think that I could walk away from you?' He asked, his voice, a deep serious timbre. She leant heavily against her door, closing her eyes as she fished in the small pocket of her tights to find her key.

She let out a breath, 'Honestly I don't know…' She pulled out her key, unlocking the door and bumping it closed with her hip then toed off her shoes.

'How you were after I came back from Cuba, I can't do that again, I won't go back to that coldness, I won't go back to you and I not talking like this. I can't. And I know you. I have never been more sorry for something in my life and if I could take it back, I would.' Her voice cracked as she flipped on the light in the bathroom, pushing down the plug in the bath and turned on the hot tap.

'Are you talking about your death or are you talking about what you've done now?' He asked, slight confusion in his voice. She open a glass jar that lived at the end of the tub and sprinkled a cupful of salts into the bath.

'Both, I guess… I don't want you to shut me out again…' She left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen, taking a glass down from the cupboard next to the sink and filled it with water. He was silent for a moment as she drank, collecting his thoughts before she peeled off the armband that held her phone. She placed it on the counter, unzipping her jacket and shrugging it off.

'You're talking about betrayal. You did something else that I would view as a betrayal.' A realisation in his voice. Her belly clenched tightly at his words, the tightness in her chest renewing. She could still feel a burn in her lungs from the panic attack of that morning and the sprint.

'Yes…' She whispered gruffly, collecting her phone and moving back to the bathroom. She stuffed her jacket into the laundry hamper, peeling off her sweaty clothes until she was stood in her underwear, a slight chill running across her skin. 'I'm sorry Red, I know you're trying. I'm trying too, I am but I won't go back to how it was, not now… I should go.'

'Lizzy wait… It will be worse if I find out from someone else, I need it to come from you.'

'I know, I want that too. I just can't say it yet… I'm sorry.' She hit end call before he could make her stop, bending over the bath her arms outstretched. She closed her eyes, willing herself to find the courage to just tell him.