Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
Chapter Twelve
Lucy was eating some Chinese food and going over her plans for the surgical and research center when she heard a knock on her door. Her heart skipped a beat because she hoped that it was Carter. It hurt when he didn't want to talk earlier and she hoped he wasn't going to be that gruff with her all the time.
She understood his reluctance to talk to her earlier, but it still hurt her feelings. She loved being able to see him again. Judging by his attitude towards her though, telling him about the baby was going to be difficult.
She checked herself out in the mirror before getting the door. She was wearing yoga pants and a tank top. Knowing he would be able to tell she was pregnant by looking at her, she quickly threw on an oversized sweatshirt.
She hurried to the door and opened it, glad that it was Carter. She could feel herself smile, even though he had a bored and annoyed look on his face.
"Hi." She greeted.
"You wanted to talk." Carter sighed. "So let's get this over with and talk."
Yeah, this was going to be difficult. She moved aside so he could come into her room.
"So how long are you in town for this time?" Carter asked as he entered her room.
"Indefinitely." She answered, watching as he spun around to face her.
"What do you mean, indefinitely?"
His tone was more accusatory than she would have liked, but she supposed she deserved it. "I quit my job. I broke my lease on my apartment. I'm moving back here."
"Why? Why now?" He paused. "Why couldn't you have done that months ago?"
"To begin with, I finally figured out what to do with the money Romano left me. I got permission from the board today to form the Robert Romano Cardiothoracic Surgical and Research Center. I think I need to form an acronym for it, but the RRCSRC still sounds weird too."
"So you are back for good then?" He asked.
"Yeah." She nodded. "Looks like it."
"Good for you for doing something good with the money." He acknowledged. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"
"No." She shook her head. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." He replied, sighing. "We already discussed this at the hospital."
"No." She argued. "You gave me a one word answer and have been standoffish all evening."
"What would you like from me, Lucy? Do you want me to roll out a red carpet for you every time you decide to drop into my life unannounced?" Carter started to yell. "You left four months ago. Now you're back and acting like nothing happened. Am I supposed to be happy that you're back? Grateful?"
"I know I left and I hurt you. But I explained it all in the letter Morris gave you. I thought it would be easier if I left before you came back to the hospital." She explained.
"I never read the letter!" He shouted. "Ok? I didn't see the need to read about how you were sorry but you couldn't be with me and you wanted nothing to do with me."
He didn't read the letter. That explained so much. Maybe there actually was some hope left for them. She couldn't help but smile widely.
"Why are you smiling like that?" He asked, clearly annoyed with her.
"You really didn't read the letter?"
"No." He shook his head.
"You should have read the letter." She laughed.
"It's not funny." He sighed.
"It kind of is. The letter had my phone number, my address, my email address, and every possible way for you to contact me." She explained. "I wanted to stay in touch. I wanted to still talk while I tried to get my mind cleared up from everything that had happened. I went back to Minnesota to see a therapist and get past my issues with guilt."
He was silent for a few minutes, almost as if he was processing everything in his brain. Finally he shook his head. "Even if that is what the letter said, it doesn't change things. You left four months ago."
"Why are you being such a jerk to me?" She asked, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"How about because you left me? You used me for comfort and abandoned me. You ran away like you always do." Carter explained.
"Well how about you? You claimed you would wait for me but you've clearly moved on with Abby and are taking road trips together."
"Abby?" He chuckled. "Abby and I are just friends, not that it's really any of your business. And it wasn't much fun going to seedy places trying to find her brother."
She was glad that she got him to explain his relationship or lack thereof with Abby. But she was getting frustrated with her attitude towards her.
"Why come back, Lucy? Was it just for the surgical center? "
Perhaps it was the hormones, perhaps it was because she was tired. Whatever the reason, she couldn't help the next statement from coming out of her mouth without any preamble. "I came back because I'm pregnant."
"Shit." He whispered.
"I thought you should know. Even if you don't want to be a part of the child's life, you still deserved to know." She explained.
His eyes immediately moved to her stomach. "You're sure you are pregnant?"
She pulled up her sweatshirt to show him her baby bump. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
She watched his face, wondering what he was thinking. From the look on his face, he was in as much shock as she was when she first found out. Telling him this way was a mistake. She should have eased into it. She pulled her sweatshirt back down. "Carter…"
"I…I need to get out of here." He told her abruptly, heading for the door.
"Carter!" She called after him but he didn't stop. He left her hotel room. She thought about running after him, but realized he probably needed some time to process everything. This did not go the way she thought or hoped it would.
She was an idiot for just blurting it out like that. But he was pushing her buttons and she couldn't help it. Now she made things worse.
She would let him have tonight to think and absorb the news. Then she would find him tomorrow and try to talk to him.
Carter paced around his bedroom. After leaving Lucy's hotel room he came straight here. Her letter was still in his drawer. He just couldn't bring himself to get it and read what it said.
"You're being an idiot. Just read it" He whispered to himself, opening the drawer and pulling out the envelope. He opened it quickly, eager to read what she wrote.
John,
Morris told me you went looking for me and we barely missed each other at the hospital. In some ways I'm glad you didn't find me before I left. It would have made leaving even harder than it already is for me. Honestly, if you had found me, I might not have left. But I feel like I have to.
I know you may or may not believe this, but I do truly love you. You were right when you claimed I had used you. I didn't set out to but I feel like I did use you as a security blanket. Coming back to Chicago and having both Rebecca and Romano die the ways they did has torn me up inside. It's like a part of me is constantly screaming inside and the only way I could quiet the screams was to have you with me.
But it wasn't and isn't fair for me to use you like that. And if we are going to have any chance of being together in the future, I have to leave now. So I'm going back to Minnesota. But this doesn't have to be goodbye forever.
I need some time to work on my issues. I've made the decision to start going to therapy at least twice a week, maybe more. I figure that will help me be able to work through all of the feelings of guilt and sadness I have in a safe place.
I don't want to lose you though. I know you said you would wait for me, but I will understand if you don't think you can wait for me or you decide you don't want to wait for me.
At the bottom of this letter I'm putting every single way I can think of for you to get a hold of me at home and at work. I'm leaving it all up to you. If you think we have even the slightest chance of getting back together in the future, please use one of these ways to contact me. If you don't, then I'll have my answer and I won't bother you again.
Just know that whatever you decide, I'll still love you forever and all I really want for you is for you to be happy…even if it isn't with me.
Love always,
Lucy
Underneath her signature was at least eight different ways to get a hold of her.
He felt like an idiot for not reading this letter sooner. He was so certain he knew what it was going to say, but he was completely wrong.
"Shit." He shook his head. Things could have been so much different if he hadn't been stubborn.
And now Lucy was pregnant with his child. A part of him was angry that she hadn't told him about the pregnancy sooner, but it made sense since she thought his silence meant he didn't care about her anymore.
Doing the math, she must be in her fourth month. He knew that he wanted kids eventually. Now wasn't the time he would have picked to have a child, but if he could choose anyone to be the mother of his child he would choose Lucy in a heartbeat.
He wasn't very nice to her tonight. He was actually a bit of a jerk. And he didn't say what he needed to say about this baby. He needed to think carefully about what he wanted to say so he didn't mess this up again.
The sound of persistent knocking woke Lucy up. With sleepy eyes, she looked at the clock by the bed. 2:48 am. She reluctantly got up and made her way to the door. Opening it, she found Carter there.
"Lucy. Did I wake you?"
"Do you realize that making this much noise in the hallway could get me kicked out of this hotel?" She sighed, yawning. "And of course you woke me. It is the middle of the night."
"I'm sorry I woke you up." He apologized. "Can I come in?"
While she wanted to slam the door in his face and go back to sleep, she instead moved out of the way for him to come in. She closed the door behind him and stood in front of it with her arms crossed. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"
Without saying a word, he crossed the space between them. Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. It was slow and gentle. She brought her arms down to her sides, not sure what to do. When he stopped the kiss, she just stared at him.
"John…"
"Lucy." He smiled. "Can we talk?"
She chuckled. "Not to sound like a broken record or anything. It's the middle of the night though. Can't it wait until morning?"
"No." He shook his head. "This can't wait."
"Well too bad." She laughed. "Because I'm going back to sleep." She walked over to the bed.
"Lucy…we have to talk." He reminded her.
"I know that." She nodded. "We can talk in the morning."
"Ok." He sighed. "I guess I'll leave."
"I didn't say you had to leave." She said softly, pointing to the bed. "I just said I'm going back to sleep."
He smiled, finally understanding what she was saying.
She watched as he took off his shoes. He waited until she got into bed and then proceeded to lay down next to her.
She cuddled up to him, laying her head on his chest. She didn't know exactly what would happen in the morning, but she had hope. And at the very least, she got to spend one more night in his arms.
The next morning Lucy stirred in the bed, panicking for a moment about the arm wrapped around her stomach until she remembered whose arm it was. Sometime during the night she had rolled over and he had draped his arm around her stomach, almost as if he was protecting her baby bump.
She wasn't sure why he came by last night. The kiss threw her off. She wasn't expecting that. Did that mean he wanted to get back together? Was it just a reflex reaction to finding out she was pregnant? Was he happy/sad/angry/scared about this baby? Was he mad she didn't tell him about the baby as soon as she found out? Did he read the letter? Did he want to be a part of the baby's life? Too many questions swirled in her brain.
She slowly turned so that she was on her back and looked over at Carter, surprised he was staring right at her.
"Good morning." He smiled.
"Good morning. How long have you been awake?" She asked.
"It's been awhile." He admitted. "How did you sleep?"
"Fine." She nodded. "Do you want to go get some breakfast and talk?"
He pulled her closer. "Do we really have to leave this bed? I'm comfortable here."
She chuckled. "Hand me the phone."
He reached over and brought the phone from the nightstand.
"You still like scrambled eggs, toast and bacon in the morning?" She asked.
"Yeah." He nodded.
She dialed for room service. "Hi. I'd like to place a room service order…scrambled eggs, white toast, two orders of extra crispy bacon, French toast, coffee and an orange juice please…thank you." She gave the phone back to him.
"You even remembered the extra crispy bacon." He marveled as he put the phone back.
"Of course I did." She laughed. Then she sighed. "So where should we start?"
"I don't really know." He shook his head and they were both quiet for a moment. "Here's the thing. I read the letter last night after I left. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry." She assured him.
"No. I do." He asserted. "If I had just read it that night instead of being so angry for so long…things would have been different. You wouldn't have had to face this pregnancy by yourself for so long."
"If it helps any, this pregnancy has been pretty easy—just a little morning sickness." She smiled. "But I understand why you didn't want to read the letter."
"You probably thought I didn't care anymore."
"Yeah." She nodded. "I did, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the baby as soon as I found out. I just…"
"It's ok." He cut her off, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm not mad about that. I understand."
"What are your thoughts about this?" She asked, pointing to her stomach.
"I think this baby is the second best thing to ever happen to me." He smiled. "The first being you walking into my life."
She couldn't help it. That was such a sweet thing to say that she reached up and started kissing him. He kissed back, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her as close as he could.
"So what are we going to do?" Lucy asked when they parted.
He smirked. "Well we are going to take off the rest of our clothes and then…"
She giggled. "No. Not that. I know perfectly well how to do that. I'm talking about everything else. What are we going to do about everything else?"
"That's easy." He told her. "We are going to do what we should have done years ago. We are going to let go of everything from the past and focus on what really matters, which is the fact that we love each other and we deserve to be happy together. And we are going to raise this child to be brilliant."
"Brilliant?" She chuckled. "That's a pretty tall order."
"With a mom like you, this child won't have any problems being brilliant or beautiful."
She kissed him. "This feels too much like a dream."
"It isn't." He assured her.
"I love you John."
"I love you too Luce."