Morning morning!
Guest: the chemistry is always easy to write about, all I have to do is think about how they were on the show.
Now, we took a little diversion in the fictional past, and as for the others flashback there is a reason for it. Hopefully this will fix a few things.
Gillian woke up feeling the annoying hitch of her skin under the soft cast, followed by the dull pain that sometimes she still experienced in her arm. Thankfully, most of the uncomfortable sensation was softened by the soothing closeness of Cal's body laying next to her. He was on his back, the left arm dropped down by the side of the bed and the right one safely secured under her head, in a position that was likely to prove uncomfortable when he'd wake up. She chuckled silently at his half open mouth and the raspy breathing coming out of it, knowing it was his trademark for a deep and comfortable sleep, but she still did her best not to wake him up as she got out of bed.
Standing in her dark bedroom, Gillian located her night robe first but opted instead to wear his long sleeve top, picking it up for the chair of her dresser where he had placed his clothes. The first night they had spent together after she had left the hospital, at his place, neither of them had bothered looking where clothes were going once they had stepped in his bedroom. The built up had been long, starting pretty much the moment they had left the spot of her accident. Emily had welcomed her with such joy and happiness that Gillian hadn't been able to fight back a couple of loose tears, and much like her father the girl had decided not to dwell on the past. Aside from those last few days, Gillian had never really exited her life despite breaking up with her father, but to be back in it in the girlfriend's capacity was too good to be ruined by looking back.
The ease with which they had gone back to that dynamic, the three of them, had been overwhelming. Gillian had spent the day at Cal's, resting and shamelessly soaking in how the father-daughter duo had showered her with attention and love. They'd had lunch together, then gone out for a shopping session Cal had complained about all the way through, even more when Gillian and Emily had intentionally taken their time in picking every single item the young girl was after. They did it because, of course, they knew that Cal really had nothing against it: it had been a long while since he'd had both of his girls with him, he was astonished by how easily they had fallen into the old pattern and he was going to enjoy every second of it.
Later, back home, Cal and Gillian had been in the kitchen, cooking and talking - there was a lot of talking to do, but it was a task they looked at with no sense of dread - while Emily packed up her things and all the latest purchases. She was going back to Princeton the day after, feeling that her presence was not needed anymore, and she had insisted that Gillian stayed the night and accompanied her to the station along with her father. Gillian had no objection to that, after a week in the hospital the last thing she wanted was to be on her own, and one thing at the top of her list was for her and Cal to find their way back to each other fully as soon as possible.
So she had stayed, and that night they had made love as if it had been the first time…except the first time there had been a lot more exploring and taking it slow, necessary to mark the occasion, while that night it had been a desperate desire to reconnect and rediscover each other. No matter the lust and raw passion, it had still been incredibly meaningful and waking up together the morning after had been so powerful that neither of them had been able to say much for a long time, time they had spent just holding and looking at each other, lulled by the comfortable silence.
After breakfast they had taken Emily to the station to catch her train, then Cal had taken her to her place. There had been no need to ask, which had made it easier on her, and on the other hand it wasn't hard for Cal to see that she needed it. She had been away for a week, she'd been wearing pretty much the same things for 7 days and it was more than reasonable that she would look for the familiarity of her own house. Cal had no problem with that, especially since the plan included having him around. So they had spent another day together, Cal helping out with some cleaning and groceries shopping to ease the strain on her arm, then talking and further building new foundations for their rekindled relationship. Catching up on work and office gossip, exchanging notes on Emily, addressing the things they had been through while apart and much more: they covered it all, most of it at least, and the long heart to heart confrontation had made their love making so incredible and deep. There had been no urgency that second night, passion yes but not uncontrolled lust; just two people needing each other and knowing they had a lot to make up for.
Smiling to herself at the fresh memory, Gillian looked back at Cal as he gulped down a half snore, then she put on his t-shirt and left the bedroom. She went into the bathroom first to get the ointment she had picked up from the pharmacy the day before, then headed for the living room where she sat down on the couch and removed the soft cast. It was supposed to come off in a couple of days, so at times like that, between the itching and the light discomfort, she thought there was no harm in taking it off long enough to find some relief. She grabbed the remote and switched on the TV, keeping the volume down, then applied some of the cold product on her skin and started to absently massaging the spot while looking at the silent images
Despite all of her caution and attention, it wasn't long before she heard steps coming from the bedroom. Gillian smiled, imagining that Cal had not liked to wake up alone, and she couldn't really blame him after all. She looked up at him as he entered the room, wearing only his pyjama pants and a sweet half-asleep half-confused expression on his face as he yawned, straddling the back of his head with one hand and ruffling his own hair.
"I'm sorry," she said to him as he scuffled towards her. "Did I wake you?"
"No," he mumbled in a yawn, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "The empty spot in the bed did." Gillian blushed, as silly as it was: the power he exercised on her when he said things like that was something to behold, and it hadn't changed a bit while they had been apart. Then Cal looked down at her arm. "Do you need some ice for it?"
"No, thanks. This should do it." She explained, then looked at him with a sly grin. "I guess I was supposed to take it a little easier still."
Cal grinned in response as he sat down on the couch next to her, Gillian immediately leaning on him and waiting for his arm to wrap around her. Then she took the tube of medication and applied some more, enjoying the cold sensation and the soothing effect while Cal nodded over at the TV.
"What are we watching?"
His words came out all distorted in yet another yawn, and when Gillian looked at him she couldn't resist the temptation to reach out and wipe away some sleep crust from the corner of his eyes. There was something about it that amazed her, that even a usually active person like Cal Lightman could succumb to such a natural thing in his sleep, and she took some kind of private and silly pride in being the one who could see him that way, even more in the way he just let her do it with no protest or sign of discomfort.
"Nothing," she said looking at the TV, then passed him the remote. "I was just thinking."
"Figured as much."
He sounded more alert, not because her confession warranted it but simply because he was slowly coming out of his sleepy state. Gillian glanced up at him, catching him absently looking at the TV while flipping channels without turning up the volume, smiling briefly when she thought he was doing a really good job at hiding how fast his mind was racing. They had talked a lot over the past two days, bridging the gap the months apart had created, but neither of them thought they were done with it. They alo knew that they didn't need to rush and address everything right away, but those seemingly awkward moments, primed for confessions and sharing, always seemed to find them.
Gillian sighed and snuggled up closer, her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. Cal pulled her closer, his mouth gently resting on her forehead, and they both settled in the easy silence while keeping their eyes on the random images coming from the TV.
"Do you think we need this kind of stuff?" She asked then, enjoying the way he relaxed when he realised she was willing to share. "We got together after a fight, things came out way from every direction but we managed to pull through. Things were going great between us, until they weren't. After Colombia things seemed to be going good, despite everything, although nothing really happened one way or the other for a while and we split up. Then we had that fight, now this." She heard him take a deep breath in, considering her words and forming his thoughts about them, but he let her finish. "Have you ever wondered if it is because of the things we've been through that we have gotten closer over the years? That that's part of the reason why we got back together, considering what happened last week?"
"Yes," Cal answered with a loud sigh, but then shook his head and grumbled softly. "No." He said again, and Gillian looked up at him understandably confused. He smirked and looked down at her, then stretched his legs on the coffee table and pulled her a little closer. "I thought about it, but I don't think that's the case. Those things, bad things and trauma, can easily destroy people and relationships. Us, they bring us closer. Because we decided to fight through them, together, instead of letting them pull us apart."
Gillian pulled away from him slowly, needing to take a proper look at him after that. She wasn't surprised that he had given it so much thought; she knew that, like her, he had spent a great deal of time wondering what had happened, what really hadn't worked between them the first time around. She had thought about it in the weeks after their breakup, then more than once in the following months when she'd let herself regret the loss, and she had questioned herself a lot in the past 36 hours or so. Truth was, she - they- was terrified that it might happen again before she - they - could find out what had gone wrong. Gillian didn't want to lose him again, she couldn't imagine being without Cal anymore, and she was afraid that if she didn't know how to avoid it this 'thing' she couldn't identify would creep up on her - them - again with no warning.
Cal looked back at her, serious but not worried, understanding very well what she was thinking without needing to read it off of her because he was thinking the same. He had wrecked his brain for months, no matter how seemingly peaceful and civil their split had been. Emily was right: it made sense and yet it didn't, and he had realised that every time he had found himself missing Gillian in a way that had nothing to do with work or them being friends. In a way, he had envied her for finding her own epiphany, even if it had come at such a high cost. But the events of the past week, with her hiding away from him, had somehow started to clear the fog still wrapping his mind about it.
"You thought that might be it?" He asked then. "Why it wasn't working anymore?"
"I don't know Cal, I really don't." Gillian moaned painfully, showing her frustration in the way her arms clenched around him briefly. "And maybe I shouldn't care about it anymore but I'm afraid that it will happen again if I don't understand."
Cal let her vent, understanding her frustration. Then he held her gently by her hips and moved them both, standing up and inviting her to do the same with his stretched hand. Gillian complied, following him to the kitchen where he opened the fridge. She rolled her eyes but then immediately smiled when he put on the table the cake they had bought earlier that day at a bakery by the train station, then took two teaspoons from the drawer and handed one to her. Gillian didn't think about it much, even if it wasn't chocolate cake she didn't need to be asked twice, and grabbed the spoon out of his hand before sitting on top of the table and pulling the cake close. Cal chuckled and stood in front of her, taking a spoonful of cake and feeding it to her with an amused smile.
They ate cake for a while, still enjoying a silence that was new and yet somehow familiar, both of them thinking that being silly together was something that they had thoroughly missed. Soon enough, Cal gave up on the cake and Gillian stopped using her own spoon as he was the one feeding her anyway, but eventually she smiled shyly as to signal she'd had enough. Cal smirked, feigning surprise, then pushed away the plate and stepped closer. Gillian opened her legs and he nestled in, his hands on her back, holding her gently and kissing the taste of cake away from her lips and mouths for a few minutes.
Once he was done he stayed close, kissing her forehead and smiling when she hugged him tight.
"I thought about it too," he said then. "I wrecked my brain for months, trying to understand what didn't work. And I don't know if this is the answer, or one answer, but I do know there is something I stopped doing before we broke up." Gillian looked up at him and he cupped her face in his hands, gently stroking her cheeks. "I stopped reading you. Maybe we both did, I don't know, but I know I did. Things were going so great and trust me, love, I wasn't getting in over my head and thinking it wasn't going to last. But I stopped reading you, just to be safe. I didn't want things between us to end up like Zoe, to constantly look for things that were bothering you, or clues of anything going through your mind just so I could fix the problem before it actually happened. I played it safe, I thought if I didn't try to read you we could have a normal relationship, like anybody else. One with white lies and innocent secrets, one where I didn't have to get paranoid about every look or small gesture." He closed his eyes and shook his head, his hands sliding down to her neck. "I thought it was best, I didn't want to make the same mistake again. And maybe that's why I didn't see the signs, or I decided to ignore them, because I was too afraid that I'd be pushy and invading if I brought it up. I was afraid to fall in that trap, that I would ruin our time together by looking for signs that things were about to end." Cal opened his eyes again, his voice trembling slightly with the fear that even saying those things out loud would materialise his worst nightmare of losing her again. "I know it doesn't make any sense Gill, but it's the only thing I've been able to come up with. When you didn't want to see me, at the hospital…I was making the same mistake. I thought I should respect your boundaries, but it's when I stopped doing it that we found our way back."
He had spoken for so long, with so much transport and little hesitation that when he stopped Gillian didn't quite register it at first. His words had hit her like a wild river, washing over her at full force, and she had to be grateful that he had looked at her only for part of his speech because that look in his eyes would have knocked her off her feet had she been standing. Fighting back tears, Gillian held his face in her hands caressing his beard, touching his lips and then wiping away shy tears of his own. It wasn't a good thing to say, but she was always glad to see he had problems showing his vulnerability to her. Not weakness, there was nothing weak in a man capable of talking openly about his emotions: but he was so guarded most of the time, especially about his feelings, and that sort of display had always meant a lot to her.
Then she brought her hands to the back of his head and pulled him down gently, leaving a kiss on his forehead before bringing his head down to her and guiding him to bury his face between her neck and shoulder. She held him for a while, her right hand caressing his hair and the left smoothing the skin of his back, lulling him in her arms as she waited to find her own words.
"I stopped reading you because I didn't want to go through what happened with Alec again," she whispered in his ear after a while, her voice cracking as she realised that for the first time, spurred by his own confession. "I wanted to save my marriage so badly that I pretended I didn't see it, whatever was going on with him. I didn't want to do that with you, with us, to feel so delusional again by thinking whatever I might see was nothing. So I didn't look for it, I didn't even try."
Was that it, then? After months thinking about it and trying to figure it out, could he really be that simple? Maybe, maybe not: the point was, it sure made a lot of sense. They had stopped reading each other because it seemed the most sensible thing to do to preserve their relationship, but they hadn't realised it was the opposite. Without reading they were just like any other couple, they had recused what defined them, what had brought them together in the first place, all those years ago.
And even though neither of them said it out loud, that night or in the following days, they vowed not to do it again.
Hope this helps to get over the "uncomprehensible" breakup