Chapter 39 / 41
She thought it would take her some time to grow accustomed to the name Lexa. To hearing it, to responding to it. But she knew she'd never be able to move forward if she didn't push past whatever barriers she had erected around herself. But she knew she wasn't alone in her struggles. Not after everything that had happened since she had met Clarke. And so Alexa—
No.
Lexa.
Lexa let the silence hang in the small space between where they sat atop the fallen tree trunk. Moss, green and vibrant, trees grand and mighty the only companions to both of them in that moment.
She saw shock in Clarke's face, surprise, worry, perhaps a touch of confusion and then she saw something more. Something deeper. Maybe it was happiness, maybe it was longing, understanding and so many other emotions that she would try to understand if given a chance.
"Lexa," Clarke's voice was quiet as she said her name, her eyes never wavering from her gaze, her brows furrowed ever so slightly, the expression half permanent friend upon Clarke's face, half full of emotion that hadn't been there moments ago.
Lexa smiled something bashful at hearing her name, she looked up into the sky overhead and she eyed a bird that circled above them. A gentle breeze picked up at that moment, it rustled the trees around them and it made her shiver, pull the shawl more tightly around her shoulders and she let the cool breeze consume her mind as she felt whatever weights that had once been heavy upon her soul leave her be for the moment.
"It has been so long since I have heard that name," Lexa said quietly as she turned back to face Clarke. "I hid behind Alexandria, hid behind a past I could not remember," she didn't entirely know what she wanted to say and so she let her voice trail off in the hopes Clarke would understand in some way.
"What will you do now?" Clarke asked.
Lexa knew Clarke spoke of Agamemnon, of the homestead, about where she would put her priorities and how she would live her life having seen, been exposed to and at least beginning to come to terms with who she was.
"Agamemnon will be staying at the Mountain for treatment," she said eventually. "I know he will complain, I know he will argue and demand to return to the homestead," she looked away briefly. "If he truly wishes to return home he will, but I hope he will see reason," she sighed as an old pain filled her heart at the thought of losing him.
Lexa half expected Clarke to reassure her in that moment, to tell her Agamemnon would be ok, that he'd be able to get the help he needed. But she didn't and Lexa found herself appreciating Clarke, the lack of false promises she could not control. She thought her presence enough in that moment.
"I will stay close to Agamemnon," Lexa said eventually. "Though I have not quite thought that far ahead just yet," she shrugged a shoulder.
Lexa didn't like the sound of living in the Mountain permanently, she didn't think she'd enjoy staying in Arkadia or any of the small villages nearby. She had lived mostly alone for so long that the moments when she had been surrounded by people had made her feel uncomfortable, a little tense even.
"I assume Athena will organise a place for me, for Eamon," she added as she looked back at Clarke.
She saw a thought seemingly pop into Clarke's mind then, she could see her trying to figure out how to voice it.
"My home," Clarke said. "I—" she paused and Alexandria knew what she was going to say. Or she could guess. And she found herself already willing to take up the offer. "I'm planning on checking on it tomorrow or the day after," she said. "You can come visit. I have space if you want somewhere to rest while Athena figures out where to put you and Eamon."
Lexa felt her lips twitch up at the corners subtly. She appreciated that Clarke was still giving her options and not trying to be too forward. Perhaps that was one of many different things that had made her feel comfortable or confident enough to want to seek out answers.
"I would like that," Lexa said with a single nod of her head.
And so both women let the conversation dance between them, whatever they discussed perhaps charged by an undercurrent that neither of them wanted to face just yet. But it was there. It was real. And Lexa felt it.
Athena stood at the very top of the Mountain. The sun shone down upon her with a little less warmth than weeks earlier and she looked out over the forest that stretched out as far as the eye could see. Things had happened quickly, they had fallen into place where she had anticipated and yet she felt a little unsure, a little uncertain.
Perhaps it was simply because she had built up her actions within her own mind, maybe she had put so much importance on taking the former Commander's from the homestead that whatever would have happened would not have been able to compare.
But she thought that good, she thought that perhaps a better outcome than what she had feared.
No grand recognitions were had, no grand speeches were required to explain who or what they were. Most had simply taken in their presence as simply part of her retinue, people who had some importance to the Coalition.
And maybe she was a little disappointed. Or maybe she wasn't. Maybe the simple fact that nothing bad had happened was a sign that her people were ready for more, were ready for a little more prodding at the edges. Nothing too severe, of course, nothing too world shaking. But enough that a single crack could be formed without fear of what she was building crashing down around her.
But she began to think of the people behind her decisions. She thought of Agamemnon. She knew he would be difficult to convince to stay at the Mountain permanently. But she wouldn't put the added stress of having him take the journey each month back and forth between the homestead and the Mountain.
And she thought of Eamon, a man who had at one time been more than willing to argue, to confront if he did not understand. But she thought him surprisingly calm in everything that had happened.
Eventually Athena's thoughts turn to Lexa, to Clarke, to things she didn't know how to handle. It didn't quite surprise her when Lexa had asked to be called by Lexa once more. She had half expected it, not because she had planned it in some way. But because she knew Lexa had so many questions she would not find the answers to unless she was willing to embrace that part of her life. And Athena had wanted to help her just as much as she had wanted to help all her people.
But still, Lexa and Clarke left an ache in her heart she at times didn't know how to handle. Not when she could see them both growing closer in shared companionship, in shared respect for one another and in shared understanding that both of them had a shared past and shared burdens and traumas that needed caring for.
Athena sat in the grass, her red sash sprawled out around her, legs stretched out as she leant her back against a small tree, her mind beginning to wander to and fro as she willed it to leave be her emotions for the time being.
She didn't mind that it would look a little unbecoming if someone were to stumble upon her. She knew Axios would intercept or give her warning should someone even begin to approach accidentally or on purpose as they scoured the Mountain side in search of whatever their heart desired.
But she enjoyed the isolation, she enjoyed the quiet, the time to herself. Maybe she needed to give herself more of that, more of that freedom she so desperately fought for to provide for her people.
Wasn't that a lesson that Clarke and Lexa had struggled with for so long? Wasn't that something Lexa had wanted for her people? Wasn't that something that had cost Lexa everything so many years ago?
Athena began to think back through the years. She began to think back over every thing she had learnt since becoming the Commander. She had made mistakes along the way. She had had successes, too. Perhaps she felt a little undeserving of the fact that she had served as Commander far longer than anyone other. She even wondered if she would have survived as long as she had if she had been Commander during a different time, if the Mountain still existed, if Azgeda had never been folded into the Coalition, if so many things hadn't happened before her reign.
For a bitter moment she thought herself so very undeserving of the good fortune that had befallen her. But she discarded that as soon as it appeared.
Maybe Athena needed to learn to be thankful for the hand she had been dealt. She needed to learn that the gift of peace was not something to be ashamed of as Commander, but something to embrace, to strive to uphold and to ensure would last for generations.
Doubt was such a powerful emotion. But she thought she could control it. She knew she could if she understood it, if she accepted it and formed it into something stronger.
Eventually Athena's thoughts turned back to a time before she had taken the flame. It seemed like lifetimes ago, when she had first been discovered, when she had been brought to Polis. She had been so scared, so nervous and unsure of what would happen given the turmoil of the Coalition at that time.
But she had had Clarke there to guide her. She had had the spirits within the flame to guide her and she had succeeded more than she would have ever imagined.
Athena wondered though. She wondered what that young girl would think of her now. She wondered if she would be proud of her, she wondered if she would want to grow up to be just like she had.
She hoped so.
Maybe that was what would guide her going forward. Perhaps the desire to make herself proud, to make sure that more children would be inspired to do great things, to build upon a foundation that had taken generations and would take generations to come.
She thought that a fitting legacy, something she could take some credit for, but only a little. For she knew no one single person was truly responsible for the way the world was in that very moment.
There was that subtle presence felt in the corners of her mind and Athena recognised the presence almost as soon as it was felt. She knew she could decline the offer of conversation if she desired. Part of her wanted to continue enjoying her solitude. But part of her was also curious about what was to come.
And so she smiled.
"You do not need to humour me, Athena," Lexa said gently from where she sat beside her.
"Perhaps not," Athena answered with a shrug. "But your company is not unwelcome."
Athena could feel Lexa smiling for a moment as she seemingly took in the world around them.
"The closest I ever came to this spot was a little ways down there," Lexa said as she lifted a hand and pointed down the Mountain towards a ridge line.
"Where the Mountain shot down at you during its siege," Athena said with a slow nod, memories slowly rolling through her mind of that night.
Lexa nodded her head before continuing.
"At times I wondered what it must have been like to sit in this very spot, to be able to look out across the lands," she gestured outwards and to the trees that spread out around them. "I never would have known their beauty."
"Your actions made this possible," Athena said as she turned to face Lexa, her gaze taking in a woman who at times haunted her dreams and her waking moments.
Lexa didn't entirely answer her. But from the way she looked at her Athena knew she was understood and heard more deeply than just the words she spoke. She began thinking about Lexa, about both Lexa's in that moment. Perhaps because she could, perhaps because she didn't really know what else to think about. Life was ever strange, ever peculiar. Things happened so out of her control that she had grown used to embracing it and not thinking too hard until she couldn't avoid it any longer.
And maybe in that moment, with the things that were happening, with the things that would continue to happen, she thought herself unable to avoid a truth any longer. Or she was no longer willing to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist lest it embarrass her in some stupid, childish, foolish way.
"I love you, Lexa," Athena said as she looked back at her. "I always have," she didn't feel shame. Didn't allow herself to look away. "And I love Clarke, I think I always will," she shook her head as if to laugh at the absurdity of what her emotions forced her to feel.
Lexa continued to meet her gaze for so long that Athena found herself becoming lost in her eyes, becoming lost in the way they flittered back and forth ever so slightly as she looked upon her. Perhaps if Lexa were truly there in that moment she would have reached out, tried to embrace her so intimately that they would never be able to separate one from the other ever again. But she knew that impossible.
"But I am happy," Athena said and it surprised her to find a tear or two threatening to spill. "I am happy you have each other in the flame, and I am so very happy that you have both found each other once more outside," she gestured outwards, to the trees, the forest, the lands, the wind and the life that existed around her. "I know your love is not something I can truly have, nor is it something I would want you to feel obligated to give," she shook her head. "Perhaps I am trying to make sure all of you have your some day, your peace, your life away from duty to a people you have served," she wiped the back of her hand across her eyes and she choked just once on a sob that she forced down.
Lexa reached out and squeezed her hand, and perhaps she was unable to find the words to answer Athena, or maybe she truly believed a simple moment of touch was enough.
But whatever the reason, that simple pressure Athena felt on her hand, that warmth, the understanding in Lexa's eyes was enough for her to know Lexa felt her in ways most others would probably never be able to explain or understand.
"I am sorry, Athena," Lexa's voice was quiet, perhaps because she didn't know what to say, perhaps because she was reluctant to break the gentle of the moment.
Athena smiled, a quiet, gentle sound escaped past her lips and she sighed, she took in a deep breath and she wondered if things had been different, if things had never happened the way they happened, would she be the same person? Would she have the same likes and dislikes, wants and desires?
Or is she someone new, someone that has grown from many who will one day be that guiding presence for the next whenever and whoever they may one day be.
"Will you stay with me?" Athena asked. "Just for a little while longer?"
Lexa smiled, the expression so soft it made Athena want to reach out with her heart.
"Yes," Lexa answered. "For however long you need."
Lexa lost track of time as she slowly walked through the life that had grown out from around the entrance of the Mountain. Those people she had first seen, those small buildings, outcrops, fire pits and training grounds were lived in, homely, more full of life than the lands would have ever been so close to the Mountain before it fell. Her guard had shadowed her steps, he had kept his distance, hardly felt, and she didn't mind as she stopped at structure after structure as she took in every thing she saw.
Perhaps seeing this, seeing the stark contrast between the Mountain's depths and what her people had done to make it their own was just one of the many things that had helped set her mind upon a path of acceptance, of understanding and readiness to embrace her past and her future.
She didn't go out of her way to make herself seen though. She wished not to tempt fate, not yet. And so she smiled to those who she passed, she nodded her head and perhaps excused herself when things felt a little too uncomfortable. She didn't blame herself either. She had spent so long in the homestead that she still felt overwhelmed by so many people. But that, too, she thought she would grow accustomed to in time.
And so Lexa came to a stop at the edge of a small training ground. Racks of weapons were arranged neatly on one side, what she assumed to be a small healer's station opposite it and a handful of warriors moved back and forth with practised ease and movements, each one scarred, each one tattooed and fierce in stature.
Lexa was content to watch those who sparred. She was still out of practice, whatever abilities she knew she once had dulled with time. But still, she began to recognise movement, action and reaction, she began to anticipate an attack, a defence, when someone seemed to be struggling and when someone seemed to grow overconfident.
"The border skirmishes were more experience than most of our younger warriors have had in many years," the voice startled her and Lexa looked to her right to find Indra standing next to her.
The General's back was straight, her face stern, body clad in that same armour she had seen her wearing at Arkadia.
Lexa nodded her head once as she looked back at the two warriors sparring, both young and ever eager to prove themselves in battle.
"Did you lose many?" Lexa asked after a moment.
"No," Indra said. "Deaths are unavoidable in any conflict. But no, we did not lose many."
Lexa once more nodded her head in understanding, perhaps that single gesture the most she was comfortable giving without knowing how much Indra knew, how much she assumed and how much she had guessed.
"Do you expect to fight another war?" Lexa asked, her mind turning over everything she knew of what the Coalition had now become.
Indra seemed to take her question seriously for she hummed a long, low note as she clearly mulled over the question and chew it into an answer she seemed to think appropriate.
"I hope not," she said eventually. "And yet," she paused and Lexa could feel her grumble at a particularly sloppy strike one of the warriors failed to read. "And yet I feel myself wishing for it even though I do not wish for our people to suffer as they have."
Lexa nodded her head, half in understanding, half because she didn't understand.
"The coalition holds our people together," Indra continued quietly. "Perhaps after the Mountain I had thought Azgeda would break free completely, would drag other clans into a war," Indra paused again in thought. "Heda Athena was able to contain, to control, to bring order to chaos," she said. "With Wanheda's help," Indra said with a short bark of something not quite laughter. "But it would not have been possible without Heda Lexa," the final words Indra said were blunt, more straightforward than Lexa was expecting.
But it felt natural in some way she couldn't place.
"I always dreamt of a better world for our people," Lexa said quietly, perhaps the fact she didn't try to shy away from what Indra had so openly said not lost on either of them. "I am glad I was able to do my part."
Indra didn't say anything in response for a very long while and Lexa was once more content to let the older woman digest whatever information had taken hold within her mind.
"Perhaps," Indra began. "Perhaps we are both from a world that is very foreign to the one we now live," she said. "I find myself realising I must train our young seconds to perform duties they seemingly have less need for with each passing day," she sighed. "Sometimes I worry that they grow weak, soft, unable to defend themselves should the need arise," but she shook her head. "And yet there are no Reapers that threaten our villages, no Mountain Men and tech we must be prepared to face with nothing more than a knife," Indra's lips snapped shut as if she forced herself to stop speaking lest she ramble on for longer than appropriate.
"We have both had to adapt in ways we may not have anticipated," Lexa said in answer for she understood the sentiment behind Indra's words so very much.
"Yes," Indra said quietly. "Perhaps you are right."
And so Indra bid her a quiet farewell, her head bowing just once as she began to move towards her warriors. But the General only made it three or four paces before she slowed her steps, until she came to a stop and turned to face her, chin levelled and her eyes full of iron as she met her gaze from across the short distance.
"I was very proud to serve under Heda Lexa."