Chapter 4

"Fin, you're really making me nervous here"

"Look, Liv I really, REALLY shouldn't be saying anything but—you've been my friend a long time, and this bullshit won't stand!" Fin roared, shaking his fist.

"….What bullshit?" Olivia asked.

"Look somehow I got copied into this memo that was sent around the higher ups; the Chief, Dodds. He…."

"He…?" Olivia gestured for him to finish.

"He's trying to push you out and replace you with me," Fin sighed.

Olivia scoffed, half in disbelief half in anger.

"On what grounds?

"You've just….you've had a hard year," Fin muttered.

"A hard year? Oh you mean me being investigated by CPS, held hostage by his nanny's other family, almost losing my son first to the courts and the next to his psycho grandmother?!" Olivia's hands were shaking.

"Yeah, and look I know none of that was your fault. It's just…it's taken it's toll. You shouldn't have to constantly be attacked, or stressed, AND have to worry about all of us," Fin tried to comfort her.

"Meaning, I CAN'T do all that and worry about you? Fin do you think he's right?" Olivia wasn't having it, this was bullshit.

"Hell no, of course not! Why do you think I'm coming out in front of this? I've seen you been a badass for almost 20 years now; if anything, you can handle a lot MORE,"

"Then why are you the only one who thinks so?" Olivia sighed, sinking into a chair. She put her head between her hands and breathed hard, in and out. She didn't want to cry, that would prove all those pricks down at 1PP right: That she was too "womanly" to do a "man's job".

"I'm not, I'm the only one who thinks so out of who got that memo. Nobody who DOESN'T think that didn't get it, I'll tell you that. If Carisi or Rollins knew about this you know they'd start raising hell," Fin pointed out.

"…What about Rafael?" She asked, afraid to know the answer.

"I…well, he—" Fin stammered.

"FIN—Please," Olivia pressed him.

Fin once again rubbed his neck nervously and looked at the ground. "He was pasted in the memo,"

"….How could—why did he—is THAT why he-?" Olivia felt sick to her stomach.

"But look Olivia like I said I just got pasted into the original message, I didn't see any of the replies or anything. I'm SURE he said something on your behalf,"

"Then why wouldn't he say anything? Fin we ALMOST—"

"I KNOW, and that's why I'M saying something. Look Barba's probably not even thinking about anything else than whatever happened last night; and he should be able to—lord knows he did his penance,"

"…Penance?"

"Olivia, I KNOW you're aren't blind or stupid. You're telling me you haven't noticed that man has had a crush on you since DAY ONE?"

"I….well…he DID say that last night. I just, I mean I guess I saw it but he never said anything!" Oliva sighed.

"Well you're the office bicycle, maybe he thought he couldn't handle your wild ass," Fin laughed, trying to ease the tension. "Who KNOWS what kind of wild sex things you learned from Cassidy!" Fin teased.

"FIN TUTUOLA, you are….so right. But shut up," Olivia was blushing so hard she thought her face would melt. Fin always knew how to make her smile, she loved that about him. But the thought of Rafa not being the one to tell her about this; it still plagued her.

Suddenly the noise of the door opening made them both jump as Rollins poked her head in.

"Hey, if ya'll are done having a pow wow in here, Barba's here about the missing girl,"

Fin told her they'd be right out, and when she left, he turned to Olivia. "You sure you can handle this right now?"

"I mean, I kinda have to! Especially if I'm being watched by the "pricks at 1PP"—including Rafael," she sighed sadly, walking out into the squad room. He looked so precious, his Armani suit and his salmon tie; no, not now Olivia

"How can we help you counselor?" She asked coldly.

"I…um well, I got a list of suspects and witnesses from the girl's parents, where she was last seen and everything. I figured you guys can down the list, narrow down the suspects," Rafael gestured to a piece of paper in his hand, looking confused.

"Right. Because that's what we do, right? 1PP's dirty work, all you have to do is show up in the suit," Olivia scoffed.

"W-Wha-Liv can we…?" Barba's eyes furrowed in confusion and sadness.

"Yeah fine, but not my office Noah's in there," Olivia sighed.

"Noah…?" Rafael asked quizzically.

"YES, Rafael. Noah didn't have school today, and I forgot to call a sitter, so now my motherhood has ONCE AGAIN interfered with my work." She could feel her voice rising, but she couldn't help it. She noticed Carisi and Rollins staring at her in shock, Fin was nodding a vigorous "NO."

"Just…come on," She headed back into the interrogation room, Barba trailing behind her. As soon as the door closed Barba started in on her.

"WHAT in the HELL was that? Is this because Noah found us sleeping? Look I'm sorry we fell asleep but—"

"NO Rafael, it's not that. Although, that's never gonna happen again. Period."

"W-What? Why? You mean the sleeping over? Or…us?" Rafa's voice lowered back to a soft, hurt tone.

"That depends," Olivia sighed. "Did you get a memo from 1PP?"

"Wha-how do you, who told you about that?"

"OH my god, you did! How could you come to my house, tell me you have FEELINGS for me, that you care deeply about me, and not let me know that my job is on the line! More importantly, if 1PP finds out about "us", don't you think that's only going to give them more ammo to oust me? Do you even CARE?" She didn't care if she was yelling at this point; she was angry. She was HURT.

"Okay, look. I get that you're upset, I do. But I didn't want to put the burden of worrying about you being, 'ousted'; because I won't let it happen. EVER. And as for 'us' being ammo….yeah, I—I did think about that. But for once in my life I chose to follow my feelings over logic; I came over last night and you just looked so…beautiful, and I lost my head. I didn't plan to just lay it all out there it just…happened. But Liv, as God as my witness nothing about "us", or any other bullshit they try and pull, I won't let it happen," Rafa finished his speech by walking towards her and taking her hand in his. She wanted to believe him, she really did. But she had to think logically, for Noah.

"Rafa….I….I believe you, but—I don't think you can just make the decision. And I….I think they might use 'us' as ammo, no matter what you think. And I can't be a jobless single mom, I just can't,"

"So, that's just it? You get scared at the slightest bump in the road, and that's just IT?" Now it was Rafa's turn to get angry.

"That's NOT—" Olivia started, but he wasn't hearing it.

"That IS what you're doing, Liv! This is exactly why I never said anything, why I SHOULDN'T have said anything!"

"Rafael, please…" She gripped his hand, and her heart broke when she saw stray tears in his eyes; they matched her own. She just wanted to stop him from hurting; before she knew what was happening, she found herself moving closer to him, her hands moved up to his face. She gingerly put her thumbs across his eyelids, wiping away his tears. Slowly, she pressed her lips against his in a soft kiss. Almost immediately, Rafa pulled away and turned from her.

"No…." He whispered, sniffing back more tears. "I'm not doing this. Look if you don't wanna do my 'dirty work', I'll interview the suspects myself. Noah's a lot to handle, wouldn't want the big bosses to think you can't handle it all," He said with a sarcastic snark, refusing to look at her. Before she could say anything else, he walked out of the room.

She felt the air leave her chest, as if someone just punched her in the gut. WHY did she always do this? WHY? She couldn't let herself be happy for ONE second, and now…she had never seen Rafael like that. EVER. And she caused it….before she could stop herself she collapsed into sobs, only stopping when she felt Fin's hands on her shoulders.

"Olivia…Liv! Liv!" He called.

Olivia looked up into Fin's eyes, how long was she out? "W-What?" She sniffled.

"Noah's asking about lunch….what the hell happened? Rafael stormed out of here saying something about doing our jobs, and then you sat in here for an hour. I thought you went with him, but then I heard you crying in here. So, What. Happened?"

"I….he….I pushed him away, Fin. I pushed him away like I ALWAYS do. Why…WHY did I….why do I…." she sniffled unable to finish her thought.

"Look, Liv I'm sure he knows you don't mean it. And as long as he's waited for you…he won't just give up that easy, believe me. He…I think he might really love you," Fin tried to make her feel better, he hated seeing her cry.

"…Yeah?" she sniffled again, a sad small smile creeping across her face.

"Yeah." Fin smiled, wiping her tears away.

Once again they were interrupted, but this time it was Carisi and he looked panicked.

"What's wrong Carisi?"

"I…Rollins just called. She went with Barba to interview the suspects," He explained. Olivia's face went white.

"What happened?!" Olivia demanded.

"I….they were at the boyfriend's house and he went nuts and—"

"CARISI. WHAT. HAPPENED?!"

"….Barba's been shot," he said in a somber tone.

And just like that, everything went black.