"Find the place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." - Joseph Campbell

'There is no emotion, there is peace.'

At first she floundered, as it had been a very long time since she had dipped her toes in the vast ocean of the ever-shifting force. As Master Skywalker had once tried to explained to her in his ever patient tones so many years ago; in order to truly center oneself in times of tribulation, one must fearlessly face down the emotions at the center of the storm. It was this prevailing tenet that she had always tripped over, as facing her emotions had always meant facing her flaws as well. 'Which emotion causes the most ripples?' Fear? No, she was always afraid nowadays, what with the whispers of the First Order building a weapon that would put the Death Star to shame.

'There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.'

'That's not the fear I need to face today...' she reminded herself, though more gently than last time. 'No I fear the past at this time, not the impending future.' She envisioned his face as she had known him in her mind, recalling every freckle, the careless way his cheeks had dimpled when he smiled at her, and the softened of his skin beneath her hungry finger tips. Oh yes, she did indeed fear him. How could she not with what she knew of him, both from rumor and from personal experience? If only it were that simple. Because as much as she wished that those were the only reasons she held for fearing him; the truth was so much worse.

'There is no passion, there is serenity.'

'No, I fear him because of what I have felt and continue to feel for him, and from him.' The masters of old had once preached of the temperance of the Force, but ever since the day that she had been all-but-forced into service under General Organa, all she had felt was turbulence and uncertainty. With a gentle caress that she could only ever describe as the feeling of being wrapped in the warmest of blankets, she pushed herself to recall the teachings of her master and his words echoed profoundly in the caverns of her desperate mind, 'Freya, be honest with yourself and embrace your feelings... then let them go and be filled with the Force.' Honesty was a difficult concept for a girl who molded and remade herself at the fickle whim of the resistance, but just this once she would do her best to take heed of her previously abandoned teachings.

'There is no chaos, there is harmony.'

It had been lifetimes, at least to her, since she had felt harmony whilst wrapped in the bright confines of the Force. What was once a great comfort in her life had been tainted by the memories of what destruction could be wrought by those who wielded it from a place of rage and cruel ambition. The many anguished faces of the children she had grown up with, learned with and perhaps even loved would forever be etched deeply in her psyche. Freya sometimes still dreamed of them, on the harder nights. They would come to her on fire, charred and melting with fingers pointed at her in silent accusation. Though she had played no active part in his betrayal, guilt had still settled heavily upon her shoulders as one of the only few to survive the Yavin massacre. Why had she survived when so many had perished. There was no reason that made sense to her, and thus logically, she should have died with the others.

'There is no death, there is the Force.'

'I'm afraid of him, because I still feel love in my heart for him.' This alone would enough to damn her, as loving a man like him would never lead to any path that she would wish to tread. 'I am angry because I shouldn't be a safe harbor for these wayward feelings.' Anger had always been her greatest failing. It was so deeply carved into her very being that when she had trained to release it, it had been almost physically painful. 'I'm despondent because despite all I know and have witnessed, there is yet nothing I can do to eradicate the remnants of the man whom once coveted my heart like the rarest of kyber crystals.' He truly had coveted her, almost as much as she had him. Their love had been all-consuming, and perhaps that had been what had led him astray. 'I feel hate. So much hate because as much as I love Poe, I can never, ever truly be his alone because part of my heart still cries out for him.'

With that last revelation, she felt herself propelled out from the previous stillness of the Force and once more found herself sprawled out limply on the floor of the quarters that she shared with the man she loved. 'One of them, at least.' A weak snoring rumbled in through the cracked door that lead to their room, and she managed a faint smile through her slowly falling tears. It always ended that way. Every meditation was spent trying to make progress through her feelings, only to be cast out like the unworthy wretch that she was. Freya had known it was a long shot; but though she had made no perceptible progress on actually letting go of the taint that loving him had left on her, she had managed to get enough of a hold of herself to stop her anxiety attack. For now, that was enough.

Taking a deep, and much needed breath, she place both hands palm-down and pushed herself up onto her legs and stood on still-shaky legs back upright. With trembling hands she bent down to pick up the mug on the floor, and with purpose she walked over to the auto-washer and placed the cup into the bin to be cleaned. Though she had saved the glass, her carefully prepared tea had still splattered across the kitchen floor like a peach colored blood stain. The tea stained quickly and she hoped distantly that it wasn't too late to clean it up before that happened. It would be hard to explain how she had spilled her tea like that without shattering the glass as well. Not only that but she would have to tell Poe yet another lie instead of just telling him the truth like she should.

In the more populated inner rim planets, the affluent few had droids that handled the menial chores such as cleaning and laundry, but on D'Qar everyone had to clean up for themselves. In a small cabinet next to the cooking plate, she kept a small bundle of old rags made up of recycled clothing. It was filled with bits and pieces of old disguises and clothes that had been worn down to the threads, but she had salvaged what large pieces she could and stored them for use as cleaning towels or impromptu napkins. She hurriedly snagged a relatively large one, and quickly used it to mop up the growing pool of chilled liquid. Once she was done, she balled the now-stained linen up in her hands, and with one last, lingering glance at her discarded data pad, she turned back towards her bedroom and tossed the stained bundle in her hamper.

With a soft groan, she gently settled herself down into the small bed that she shared with the man she loved, and silently slipped back down between the sheets; trying her hardest not to wake the man who slumbered so calmly beside her. The ache of the day settled down into her bones as she propped herself up on her elbow, and allowed herself a guilty glance down at the smooth face of the man who had won her heart. She couldn't stop the small smile that curled at the edges of her rosy lips as he murmured adorable gibberish in is sleep. It was so much easier to forget him when she was looking down at Poe. Unlike the other man, she could recall Poe's face with ease at any time, regardless of where she was. She could be light years away from where ever he was and she could remember every single facet of his beautiful face, and every single wave in his dark brown hair. Through it all, it had always been his eyes that drew you in every time, and their rich russet tones had been the first thing about him she had noticed way back when.

'I've had my fill of walking memory lane today, despite the more pleasant path this time,' she thought to herself, suddenly breaking herself from her reverie. It was entering the wee hours of the morning on D'Qar, and she had an early briefing much earlier than she would have hoped. Frey gave herself a few more seconds to study him, before she wiggled down farther beneath the sheets, rolled herself over, and faced herself away from him. With a sleepy rumble, she felt the bed shift beneath her as he also rolled himself over as if zeroing in on this newly discovered heat source. Seconds later she felt a blisteringly warm arm snake itself around her waist and slip slowly beneath her thin shirt to cup one of her breasts gently in his calloused palm.

She felt his other arm attempting to shove its way beneath her head, and with a light, strained chuckle, she lifted her head from her pillow slightly to wait patiently for him to settle once more. A sense of serenity finally settled over her, and she began to allow herself to drift into the calm, black void of sleep. Unfortunately like all good things in her life, that bliss didn't last long, and in the farthest recesses of her mind she felt something dark and twisted uncoil inside her. Like that dull throbbing ache that remained once a limb was removed, the small part of her mind that would always belong to him, trembled.

Like a viper wrapped in endless coils, a presence pulsated with a deep thrumming, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as once again the familiar lilting tones and deep vibrations of his voice echoed across the vast seas of her mind. A voice, which she had wished to never hear again after tonight and yet she secretly yearned for, rippled through her mind. 'We are forever bound by our shared past. It was... great to hear your voice again Kai.' A shiver rushed though her like a live current and she immediately slammed down every mental wall she had, and focused every ounce of her will towards forcing closed the connection she hadn't noticed flare open once more. 'No, you cannot be here! Get out of my head!' She mentally hammered against the presence that struggled against her defenses. She could feel the rage and anger that seeped through into her from his side of their shared connection, and in a desperate attempt she channeled it back at him. It was wrong to use his fury against him, because by tapping into it, she inadvertently had to embrace the feeling herself.

Rage was never the answer to her problems but it was all she had right now. Freya couldn't afford to allow him any further into her mind. Sensitive things lived in her head, and she had worked very hard to keep them locked deep inside her mind. Hidden safely behind a dozen doors and mental barricades just in case an event like this ever happened. It hadn't been enough it seemed. She could hear him screaming at her in manic tones, but as she clawed and scraped enough of her defenses back into something that resembled manageable; the words he said faded and became indecipherable. Freya was winning. Although she could no longer understand him; the swirling ire and animosity that flowed towards her like spilled crimson ink was almost palpable.

This was her great shame. This was the reason that she could never fully devote herself to one single person, despite the depth of her love for them. It had been a mistake of youth. A silly, stupid, and irrevocable mistake to which there was no known recourse. After his betrayal, Master Skywalker had put himself in a self-imposed exile, but even from afar he had tried to help her discover a way to undo what had been done; what they had done. Despite his great knowledge of the Force both light and -questionably- dark, it had been to no avail and she was left bereft. Thus, she had suffered and endured the Force-bond that had been created between herself and the boy she had once known, and loved deeply.

Perhaps that was the reason that the bond had been created so strong? The juvenile feelings of lust and unrestricted ardor that they had felt for each other years previous, had served as a potent binding agent for the Force and trust that had flowed between them. If their shared Master had noticed the kindled feelings between his two Padawans, he had never confronted them on it; probably assuming it was just adolescent friendliness. Although, the more likely reason for his lack of intervention was that he understood keenly the folly of his father's path, and where not being allowed to love whom he chose had guided him. How could he be judge and jury over these two children, when he himself doubted the tenets of the Jedi code? After all, he himself had broken them time and time again by taking multiple apprentices, or by still harboring anger over his father's demise, and the series of events that had led him there.

The masters of old used to say that how one viewed the Force was different for every user. Some delved into their own minds to find an empty room filled with files, others went to places that calmed them like distant waterfalls or old libraries. Frey viewed her connections in an abstract of spidering tethers and swirls of color. When she concentrated on individual strands, they expanded, and would often reveal themselves as memories or places of comfort. If she were to allow it, she could concentrate on the swirling mass of darkness that lashed angrily at her walls, and they would likely find themselves in their old training room face to face. Freya couldn't allow that, nor would she give him the pleasure of seeing what she had become in the ten years since they had last seen each other over the burning wreckage of the Yavin temple.

Apart from that, when she viewed their bond it appeared to her like snaking tendrils of dark light that anchored themselves to her heart like a parasite. If she were to follow those same dark lines that connected them, she would find similarly placed lines of bright light attached to his own heart as well. He had actually mentioned them a few times back before the tethers on her heart had gone dark. Before he had forsaken everything he had ever claimed to care about, and everyone. He had told her that it made him feel more grounded in the good of the world, and he had promised that he would never neglect what they had. Little did she know how wrong he would turn out to be. Freya had hoped that with time, and a galaxy of distance; the bond would quickly wither and die like the roots of a dead tree. Yet here she stood a decade later, and it was still just as strong as the day it was forged.

All of this knowledge did little to help her now, as what had been done was done, and she had adapted to live with that. Well, she had thought she had. For all of her practicing and hours of mental preparations each night, he had slipped through her defenses like a knife slipped between the ribs. That was how it felt every time his darkness caressed her mind, like she was being impaled. With her eyes closed, she delved once more into the ocean of the Force and watched in a state of confusion as the strands of his darkness swirled just outside her newly erected defenses. Why did he deign to linger so just outside of the sanctuary she had erected in her mind? Didn't he realize that his actions were futile? That she would never again willing allow him access to the parts of her he had once had? The boy had done enough damage the first time, and she was sure that the man he had become was more than capable of a great deal more destruction.

Once more she cast her mind out to feel the ever flickering ire and vehemence that flowed through to her from his side of the bond, and she pushed out another wave of his own reflected anger and frustration at him in an attempt to get him to leave. She felt battered and worn thin from her extended use of the Force, and she reminded herself once again that she needed to stop neglecting her abilities; especially if he was going to begin visiting again. He retaliated quicker, stronger, as if by acknowledging his presence she had renewed his interest. She suppressed an audible growl as frustration settled down into her bones. She decided to just try to ignore him, and attempt to go back to sleep.

He wouldn't be ignored. Spurred on by the sudden indifference that he sensed from her, he beamed down harder against her defenses in an almost desperate attempt to once again have her attention. She opened her eyes and withdrew from the Force to glance over her shoulder at the peaceful face of the man who's arms encircled her possessively. Slowly, the frustration she felt petered away, and the remnants were washed away by the warmth she felt radiating from him. Once she was centered, she closed her eyes and once again concentrated on the dark swirl of energy. This time, instead of responding to him with reflected anger, she let him feel the depth of love she felt in that moment. If he had been practicing like she was sure he had been, he would know and understand instantly that what he was feeling from her was indeed love. What she hoped would spend him away though was the knowledge that the love that was filling up all of her cracks and broken pieces wasn't for him, but for another. As she watched, the abyssal swirl of him recoiled sharply as if burned, and began to sluggishly recede.

When she was sure he had finally gone, she pulled herself from the depths of their connection and settled her mind firmly on the present once more. Frey snuggled deeper against the warmth that had lent itself to her in her time of need, and groaned softly at his hands instinctual clench of her breast. He always did this when he slept, but never remembered in the morning. It was endearing. Still, now that everything had past she felt drained and uneasy. Love could do many things, but it couldn't truly heal what ailed her; not fully. Bone could be fixed, but her heart would need much more time. Pulling the covers up tightly across her face, she concentrated on only her breathing and let herself drift off to sleep.

Notes

This is the continuation of the previous chapter. It was way too long so I broke it up into two parts. Hope you enjoy!

Question time! How do you think their Force-bond was forged? Answering gets you 100 points and my undying gratitude.

P.S. This writer lives off the essence of comments and kudos. Please don't let her starve.

P.S.S. This story is also posted on AO3 under the name Casperwolf.