Merry Christmas, My Lord
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this ridiculous plot.
AN: This was written for the 2016 Gutter City Tomione forum Christmas challenge – I hope you all enjoy! I chose 4 of the 12 possible challenge prompts for this story:
- Underneath the Mistletoe.
- Drunk at a Christmas Party.
- Death Eater Christmas Party
- Hermione *is* the Dark Lord's Christmas Gift.
"Hermione, you're being ridiculous, it's Christmas Eve, you can't spend it alone." Harry said through the door to her flat that she steadfastly refused to open.
"I told you, Harry, I'm not going." Hermione shouted through the door.
"Hermione, open the door. You're being stubborn!" Harry shouted back.
A moment later the door wrenched open practically ripping the chain off the door, "Stubborn? I'm being stubborn? I'm not the one who refused to go to the S.P.E.W. charity dinner because they weren't serving those tiny wieners during the cocktail hour. I'm not the one who ended a three year relationship over a Quidditch Jersey! Honestly, I'd rather have hot pokers jammed into my eye sockets rather than watch my pathetic excuse of an EX-boyfriend groping his new flavor of the month to sad Bing Crosby Christmas music. Thank you, but no!" Hermione screeched.
Harry sighed, "Look, Hermione, I know Ron made a mistake-"
Hermione cut him off before he could finish, "A Mistake? Harry, He fucked Lavender Brown at my Birthday party! Don't tell me you honestly believed him when he said he tripped and his dick just landed in her vagina."
"Well, It could've happened…" Harry said scratching his head trying to figure out the mechanics of such a fall.
Hermione just raised a single eyebrow at him.
"Harry, Just go. I'll be fine. Besides, I'm not alone, I have Crooks." Hermione said as she scooped her large half-kneazle into her arms and buried her face in his copious fur as he growled at her in annoyance.
Harry sighed, "Are you sure? I mean, I feel bad leaving you alone…" Harry said giving her a last pleading look.
"I'm fine, Harry, just go." She said in a clear dismissal as she backed into the warmth of her flat, giving him a sad smile before she closed the door.
When she heard his footsteps retreating down the hall, she let out the breath that she had been holding, and leaned back against the door, and slid down it, tucking her knees under her chin. She looked around her small flat, and her eyes fall on the small Christmas tree that was missing half the ornaments.
"Crooks, it looks like it's just you and me this year." Hermione sighed watching as the half-kneazle gave her a look of disdain before he crouched down and began hacking up a clump of partially chewed tinsel.
She stood back up and made her way over to her small kitchenette, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the tin that Molly had sent over with Ginny earlier in the week and yanked open her fridge. She pulled out the carton of Eggnog, and poured herself a glass, and then bit her lip as her eyes fell on the unopened bottle of brandy sitting on the counter. She had bought it on a whim, with the Eggnog, when she remembered that it was her Parents favorite thing to drink around the holidays. She choked back a sob at the memory of her parents; it was always hard to think of them since she had removed their memories, but it was especially hard this time of year. At least she had the knowledge that they were safe. She grabbed the bottle of brandy and opened it, pouring a generous amount into her Eggnog, and walked back into the living room with the tin of cookies, and plopped herself down on the couch in front of her tiny television. She didn't have cable, but she had a DVD player and a few DVD's at least. She popped in It's a Wonderful Life, and grabbed another cookie, washing it down with the Eggnog and brandy. She knew she'd regret all the calories she was consuming later, but right now, she couldn't bring herself to care.
An hour later, she had a pleasant floaty feeling in her head, and she glanced at the bottle of brandy, noticing it was significantly less full. Just then, her doorbell rang, and Hermione groaned.
"Harry, How many times do I have to tell you…" she was saying as she yanked open the door, only to come face to face with a sneering Peter Pettigrew. Her reflexes were much slower than usual, given the copious amount of liquor she had consumed, and before she could summon her wand, she was hit with a Petrificus Totalis in the chest. The last thing she saw before everything went black was Peter Pettigrew shuffling towards her with a burlap sack.
~~{0}~~
"Lucius!" The Dark Lord barked.
"My Lord?" Lucius answered bowing before the Dark Lord.
"Why are there Peacocks in the Ballroom?" Voldemort asked in a dangerous whisper.
Lucius swallowed thickly knowing too well what that tone meant, "It's cold outside, My Lord."
Voldemort blinked at the blond wizard in front of him.
"And so you thought it would be a good idea to have Peacocks roaming freely around my party, rather than using a simple warming charm?" Voldemort snapped, frowning at Lucius.
"But Narcissa-" Lucius began before Voldemort cut him off
"I know you weren't just about to blame this on your wife…everyone knows she hates those bloody birds more than I do." Voldemort said as he twirled his wand menacingly between his fingers.
"I'll just…" Lucius pointed over at the pretentious birds and began to slink away from Voldemort
"Fix it. Now." Voldemort snapped his fingers pointing at the Peacocks that were currently crowding around the food table, and Lucius sprang into action, herding the Peacocks back outside.
Have to do everything my bloody self, Voldemort muttered as he made his way to the dais at the far end of the Ballroom.
As he sat in his chair, Nagini slithered over and curled around his feet. He looked down at her and smirked when he noticed she had a few white feathers sticking out from between her jaws.
"There's my good girl" Voldemort hissed in Parseltongue looking down fondly at the large snake.
The Death Eaters began to arrive in groups of two or three, wearing their finest dress robes and carrying large gifts. It had been Narcissa's idea to host a Christmas Party at the Manor, and although he wasn't usually one for celebrations, he had to admit that Narcissa had truly outdone herself. She had even commissioned large ice sculptures for the occasion that were strategically placed in all corners of the room; his favorite one though, was the one of Harry Potter impaled on a spike next to the punch bowl. The ceiling was also charmed to look like it was snowing.
The Death Eaters were approaching him now, to pay their respects, and place their Christmas gifts under the large decorated Christmas tree; all the gifts were for him, of course, but that was a minor detail.
The party was in full swing by the time he noticed he hadn't seen Wormtail skulking around. Just when he was about to command one of his minions to locate him, Wormtail appeared in the doorway, disheveled and sweating, dragging a rather large burlap bag fashioned with a large red bow, into the Ball Room.
Voldemort watched him curiously, raising a non-existent eyebrow as the portly wizard struggled with the sack.
"Wormtail! What is the meaning of this?" Voldemort snapped, causing the wizard to squeal like a pig and drop the burlap bag. There was a loud thud as the end he had been holding hit the floor.
"A gift for Nagini? How…thoughtful." Voldemort said eyeing Wormtail's disheveled appearance with distaste. All conversation seemed to cease as everyone's attention turned to the Dark Lord and his servant.
"The gift is for you, My Lord. Merry Christmas." Wormtail said as he dropped to his knees, trying to hide his proud smirk.
Voldemort scowled, looking at the dirty burlap sack in disgust. His eyes flicked from the pile of ornately wrapped packages under the tree back to the dirty sack, and he snorted in derision.
"You shouldn't have." He said sarcastically. If he had a nose, it would have wrinkled in disgust.
Not wanting to remain in suspense, he flicked his wand at the sack, and the bow fell away, and the sack opened to reveal a familiar looking petite girl with an afro, wearing torn sweatpants, a tee shirt with a picture of a cat on it, and striped mis-matched socks.
"It's a Mudblood." Voldemort said flatly as he stared down at the petrified form of Hermione Granger.
"Yes, My Lord, but not just any Mudblood…Potter's Mudblood." Wormtail said proudly, wringing his hands together in excitement.
Voldemort's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and a sinister smile formed on his lips. Thoughts of everything he could do to her began to swirl in his mind; the possibilities were endless really, and then a throat cleared bringing him back to the present.
"Ennervate" he said as he pointed his wand down at her.
Her eyes were still closed tightly, and her face was screwed up in pain as a groan left her lips. The sound made Voldemort smile. He couldn't wait for the moment when she realized where she was…
She rolled over and managed to get herself on her hands and knees, and she crawled towards him, stopping at his feet.
Just as he was about to speak, a loud retching sound and a splash echoed through the room.
Voldemort looked down in time to see Hermione Granger vomit all over his robes and expensive Italian leather shoes.
There was a collective gasp throughout the room, as every Death Eater stood motionless, awaiting his wrath; no one pukes on the Dark Lord and lives to tell the tale…
"I swear if you make the room stop spinning, I'll never drink again!" Hermione whimpered groaning in pain.
"Miss Granger…that was most unwise" Voldemort hissed down at her, pointing his wand at the pile of puke to vanish it.
She froze. She lifted her face slowly as her eyes fell on a pair of expensive looking leather shoes, to a tall form wearing rather nicely tailored black dress robes until she met the rather unimpressed crimson gaze of the Dark Lord.
"Oh Fuck." She blurted before she could stop herself.
"Fuck is right. You, Miss Granger, are fucked. Totally, and completely fucked." Voldemort said as he smirked at her.
Before she could say anything else, her hand flew to her mouth, and she puked again.
"Oh for fucks sake, Narcissa! Go clean her up and give her a sobering draught." The Dark Lord commanded.
The music from a string quartet started up once more, as Narcissa lead a very drunk Hermione out of the ballroom and through the halls of Malfoy Manor, having to shush her several times when she talked very loudly, slurring her words, and swaying on her feet.
"I didn't even wanna come to thish shtupid party. All I wanted was a nish quiet night at home with my Crooky, but Nooooooo…Shtupid Rat face had to go and kidnap me." Hermione ranted as Narcissa steered her down the hall gritting her teeth in annoyance.
When they reached a set of doors belonging to a guest room, she pushed Hermione into the Bathroom and tossed a towel at her.
"Clean yourself up. You will be presentable when you are in front of the Dark Lord." Narcissa spat.
Hermione snorted and reached down to pluck at her holy sweatpants, "His Royal Highness can kiss my sweatpant clad ass." Hermione said laughing as she flipped Narcissa the bird before the door was unceremoniously slammed in her face.
"Bitch." Hermione muttered as she peeled off her sweatpants, nearly falling over. What was she supposed to be doing again? Oh right, taking a shower. She turned and looked at the tap, turning it on and stepping beneath the warm spray of water. At the moment, she didn't care about where she was, the hot water felt glorious. There were some expensive looking bottles of shampoo and conditioner off the side, so Hermione picked up the shampoo and inhaled its scent. It even smelled expensive.
Don't mind if I do, she thought as she squirted a generous amount in her hands and began to lather her bushy hair. The warmth of the water paired with the soothing scent of the shampoo was making her sleepy. She eyed the large tub and curled up on her side as the water continued to spray over her.
~~{0}~~
There was a sharp rap on the door, and Narcissa pulled it open with wide eyes, as Voldemort stood on the other side looking down at her impatiently.
"My Lord?" she asked giving a small curtsy.
"Well? What's taking so long?" He barked, clearly annoyed.
"I…She's still in the shower." Narcissa said nervously, her eyes glancing towards the bathroom door.
"It's been thirty minutes. What could she possibly be doing in there?" Voldemort snapped and then pushed past Narcissa,heading for the bathroom door.
"Clearly, if I want something done I'll have to do it myself." He muttered darkly
When he opened the door, he was hit with a wall of steam and the scent of shampoo.
"Get out of there at once!" He snapped in a tone that brooked no argument.
He was met with silence, and then he heard it; a soft snore.
"Seriously? Are you sleeping?!" He pulled aside the shower curtain to find Hermione passed out in the tub, her hair still full of suds.
"You've got to be kidding me." He muttered as he bent towards her, pointing his wand at her once again.
"Ennervate"
Her eyes suddenly snapped open to find Voldemort leaning over her, when she realized she was naked.
"Ahhh! Get out! I'm naked!" she suddenly cried, grabbing ahold of the shower curtain in an effort to cover herself, yanking the rod out of the wall in the process. It hit Voldemort on its way to the floor, and he fell forward into the tub landing with his face between her legs.
Hermione froze.
This was bad. This was worse than the time she accidentally let out a tiny fart while making out with Viktor Krum. The Dark Lord's face was in her crotch. Her naked crotch.
When his eyes snapped up to hers, she was so nervous, she burst out laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of the situation, and she blurted out the first thing that popped into her head.
"Well, this is awkward."
Despite himself, he smirked. She looked ridiculous wrapped in a shower curtain, with her hair full of suds, but her laughter was infectious.
"If that's not the understatement of the year." He said as he pulled himself up, and out of the tub, and then reached a hand down to help her to her feet.
She blushed and grasped his hand, letting go of it quickly once she got to her feet, an awkward silence settling between them.
"You might want to rinse that." He said pointing to her hair.
She glanced upward and reached a hand into her hair and snorted when she realized she had never rinsed the shampoo out of her hair.
"Right. A little privacy?" She asked raising an eyebrow at him as she clutched the shower curtain tightly to her chest. She was starting to sober up a little now, and despite that she knew who was standing in front of her, the whole situation was so surreal that she just couldn't muster the energy to be afraid of him after his face had been in her crotch.
He glared at her, and then left the bathroom without a word, slamming the door behind him.
Hermione sniggered and rinsed her hair, then shut off the water. She wrapped the towel around herself that Narcissa had tossed at her earlier, and exited the bathroom to find Voldemort tapping his foot impatiently with his arms crossed over his chest.
He was obviously pissed.
"Miss Granger, you have thoroughly ruined my Christmas party." He snapped angrily, giving her a look that didn't bode well for her continued survival.
She snorted and rolled her eyes at his dramatics, "You want to talk about ruined parties? At least your girlfriend didn't trip and fall onto someone else's cock at your Birthday dinner." Hermione snapped bitterly.
His eyes widened, and he chuckled darkly, "My, my, do I detect trouble in paradise?"
Hermione laughed mirthlessly, "Funny, Ronald may have been many things, but Paradise was never one of them." She said sarcastically
Now this was getting interesting…the Golden trio not so golden anymore?
"So you don't associate with the blood traitor anymore then?" He asked tapping a long finger against his chin.
She shot him a glare at him for his use of the slur, but answered him anyway, "I'd rather shag a Mountain Troll."
An idea began to form in his mind, and a smirk formed on his lips.
"Are you hungry, Miss Granger?" he asked suddenly, and she gave him a confused look. Torture or death was what she had been expecting, not dinner. Before she could answer, her stomach growled loudly.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, "Planning to poison me, then?"
"Miss Granger, if I wanted you dead, we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation. Now, are you hungry, or not?" He asked impatiently.
"Um…I suppose?" She admitted sheepishly, still wary of his motives.
He pulled his wand on her suddenly, and she lifted her arms out in front of her in a pathetic attempt to shield herself, knowing it wouldn't do any good. The towel that had been wrapped around her was suddenly transformed into a short fitted black dress.
She cracked an eye open, looking down at herself in shock, running her hands along the expensive fabric.
"What is this?" she asked looking up at him in confusion.
"I'll not have you wearing a towel at my party. Last I checked, you're not a House Elf. I believe 'Thank you' would be the appropriate response." He snapped impatiently.
"Thank you" she said quietly not wanting to push him further. He nodded, turning towards the door.
"It's Hermione…by the way." She called after him, and he stopped, looking back at her over his shoulder.
"Hermione, then. Follow me." He said as he swept out of the guest room leading her back towards the ballroom.
Her eyes darted around the ballroom nervously as she stepped in behind Voldemort. On the one hand, she knew logically, he was the one person she should be most concerned about, but at the moment, he seemed more intent on feeding her than killing her for reasons unknown. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, she kept her eyes to the floor and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. She hadn't realized he had stopped walking until she walked straight into his back. She took a step back, looking up in confusion, and her eyes widened. There, hovering over his head was a sprig of mistletoe.
"Lucius!" The dark Lord barked, and the blond death eater scrambled quickly over to his side, shooting a not so subtle glare in Hermione's direction.
"My Lord?" Lucius said eyeing the mistletoe and swallowing nervously.
"What the fuck is this?" Voldemort pointed at the offending sprig.
"Mistletoe, My Lord." Lucius answered, his voice cracking in fear.
Voldemort grabbed him by the front of his robes, pulling his face close to his, "I can see that. What is it doing here?" He asked dangerously.
"The House Elves thought it would be…festive." Lucius answered, whimpering slightly as Voldemort released him.
Hermione looked closely at the mistletoe and snickered. Both wizards narrowed their gaze at her expectantly.
"Viscum cruciatum. That's um…that's unfortunate." She answered, and then bit her lip trying to bite back a smirk.
Voldemort pulled his wand and pointed it at the offending plant, casting every curse he could think of to destroy it, but it remained hovering over his head despite his efforts. He tried to take a step away from it, but found he was unable to move.
"It's no use." Hermione sighed crossing her arms over her chest, "That particular variety of mistletoe is practically indestructible. The only way to be rid of it is to wait for someone to kiss you."
Lucius swallowed thickly, trying to muster up the nerve to take one for the team, when he took a deep breath and puckered his lips, moving towards the Dark Lord.
Voldemort's eyes widened when he realized what Lucius was about to do, "Don't even think about it." He snapped pushing Lucius' face away with his hand.
His eyes then fell on Hermione, and she looked behind her, sure he was looking at someone else. When she saw no one was behind her, she snorted, "You can't be serious."
"I'm not kissing Lucius." He deadpanned.
"What about Bellatrix? I'm sure she'd be more than happy to Volunteer." Hermione said crossing her arms over her chest raising an eyebrow at him.
He gave her a look of distaste, "Have you seen that woman's teeth?"
Hermione shuddered. She had noticed Bellatrix's unfortunate dental hygiene. Being the daughter of dentists, she tended to notice such things.
"Point taken. What about Narcissa then?" Hermione supplied helpfully.
"I'm standing right here, you know." Lucius snapped apparently drawing the line at offering his wife to the Dark Lord.
"Are you a Gryffindor, or not, Miss Granger?" Voldemort said baiting her, knowing she would rise to the challenge.
"Just what are you trying to imply?" She retorted hotly.
"That you haven't got the backbone to Mmmhhmmm.." He began before he was silenced as her lips crashed into his. He wasn't sure who deepened the kiss, but when he felt her tongue slide against his, he groaned feeling the long dormant stirring of lust. His hands tangled in her wild curls as he pulled her flush against him, feeling her soft curves mold to his body. Her hands came up to wrap around his neck, and one of his hands lid down her spine, coming to rest on her bottom. Somewhere nearby a throat cleared, and he regained his senses and pulled away from her. She was panting slightly, and her pupils were blown wide. Interesting.
"It's gone, My Lord." Lucius said nervously.
"Lucius?" Voldemort said impatiently
"Yes My Lord?"
"Get out of my sight."
"Of course My Lord, right away, My Lord." Lucius said giving another quick bow as he walked away as quickly as he could.
As soon as the blond Wizard had scurried away, and everyone's attention had turned back to what they had been doing, his gaze fell on her once more.
"Now, what shall I do with you?" He said giving her a shark-like grin.
Her eyes widened at the implication, and she shifted her gaze nervously to the food table, "Oh look! tiny wieners! I love these." She said trying to deflect, shoving three of them in her mouth at once.
Undeterred, he swept up closely behind her, letting her feel the evidence of his arousal as his hand fell to her waist; he leaned in close and whispered in her ear:
"I assure you, Miss Granger, my wiener is anything but tiny."
She choked, sending bits of chewed cocktail wieners into the crowd as she felt his rather impressive erection against her backside.
"I don't suppose that's your wand in your pocket…?" Hermione said swallowing nervously as he spun her around to face him.
"Lets go somewhere a bit more…private." He said and before she could blink, he disapparated with her.
When she felt her feet touch the floor, she could tell she was still somewhere in Malfoy Manor if the gaudy décor was anything to go by.
"Would you like a drink?"
She scoffed, "I think I've already had enough for one evening, thanks."
"Suit yourself." He said as he turned to pour himself a glass of fire whiskey. Her eyes widened when they fell on the obvious tent in his robes, and couldn't help herself when she blurted out
"You want to have sex with me?" she squeaked fully grasping the situation she now found herself in.
He scowled, "Would you rather I cursed you?"
"No! This is just…not how I planned to spend Christmas Eve." Hermione answered honestly, reconsidering his offer of alcohol.
"Neither was I, but, I suppose I have Wormtail to thank for that." Voldemort chuckled darkly, "You were my Christmas present, after all."
"You know what the sad part of all this is?" Hermione snorted stepping up to him and grabbing the glass of fire whiskey from is hands and taking a large sip.
"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me anyway." He said as he studied her, his eyes glittering with lust.
"This isn't actually the worst date I've ever had." She admitted and set the glass down before she pulled him down into another kiss. He wasted no time in steering her over to the couch, pulling her onto his lap as his hands slid up under the short dress she wore. She moaned when she felt him roll his hips into her, feeling how decidedly not tiny he was. It didn't take long for him to vanish their clothes, and bury himself inside of her. She rode him like a woman possessed, feeling her orgasm start to crash over her when his long slender fingers found her clit. She came hard around him, shuddering in his lap as he climaxed shortly after.
She panted against his neck, still clutching his shoulders, when she smirked up at him, "If anyone asks, I tripped and fell on your cock."
He gave her a naughty chuckle, "When is Weasley's Birthday again?"
She smacked him playfully on the chest, and then kissed him again, "Merry Christmas, My Lord."