CHAPTER NINETEEN
BPOV
A couple of hours had passed since we had all left the house to hunt. We were almost back home, having chosen to walk the last part of the way at a more human pace in order to talk first, before being back in the vicinity of the others. Now that the intense feelings of Carlisle's feral claiming of my body had dissipated, I was consumed with thoughts about how, in the space of a few days, the ramifications of our relationship had reverberated through the entire family, and not in a good way, despite the support we had from the majority of the Cullens. And now that I had time to think over all of it, I could see how awful it all looked from the outside. If not for the immense and unshakable pull of the mating bond, I felt sure we both would have taken this slower, and considered everyone else's feelings, especially Edward's. I felt a huge, aching guilt that I had not followed through on the plan to break up with him first, before he found out about any of this. Even though I knew that becoming a vampire had wakened the bond and it was something we could never have fought, I knew we could have done this better. Done better by Edward, for all his faults. Heck, I even messed it all up with Jake by blabbing everything to him.
"I made such a fuck up of all this," I was midway through venting to Carlisle. "And don't tell me I didn't. You know deep down I did."
He sighed, squeezing my hand tightly as we approached the house. "We both did," he said eventually, eyes pained as he looked at me. "We both went into this full throttle, and I know it was the pull of the bond, which is near impossible to resist, but still. I should have exercised more control. Please don't take this on your own shoulders, my love. I have over three centuries on you when it comes to honing my control, and I still couldn't fight the urges enough to hold back and put the family first. That kind of self-serving behaviour from me has... never happened before. We did this wrong, but I think we need to allow ourselves some compassion. It is... a very strong force of nature, this supernatural bonding."
I pursed my lips, knowing he was right, but also knowing it would do little to dissipate the guilt.
"So what now?" I asked softly. He stopped walking and pulled me to him for a kiss, holding the back of my head firmly with his hand, stroking my cheek with the others. Our lips moved together in unison and I moaned, reaching up and clutching at his shoulders. After a time, he broke the kiss and gazed at me, expression serious.
"We talk. We speak honestly. We hold space for everyone's feelings. And we find a way forward, as a family."
I smiled, and nodded. "Alright then, let's do this."
I took his hand, watching as his set mouth melted slightly into the curve of a smile, and he nodded in return.
xXx
"So..."
Carlisle was first to break the silence as we sat around the table for the family meeting. Everyone was calmer and happier, having hunted and sated themselves fully. Emmett was clearly beside himself with joy at Rosalie's return, he couldn't stop looking at her and grinning.
"So."
Alice pursed her lips, echoing Carlisle. Neither of them seemed to have the words to continue and get the conversation started. I glanced around the table, eyes falling on Rosalie. She was far less hostile now; possibly even soft in her demeanour, or as soft as it got for Rose. But still, she must be feeling all kinds of confusion, if not worse.
I swallowed, and then leant forward, unconsciously tapping the table with my thumbs for some kind of comfort.
"I know Carlisle and I... rushed into this without thinking things through," I said, blurting it all out before I lost the confidence to say it. "The mating bond that awakened when I turned... it was too hard to fight. And though I don't regret any of it, in terms of our relationship and what we are..." I paused to glance at Carlisle, "I do regret it all happening in a way that brought pain to this family. Especially for Edward. I can't imagine what was going through his head when he found out. And I'm also sorry for the shock it must have caused all of you." I looked at Rose when I spoke the final words. She stared back, impassive, giving nothing away.
Carlisle nodded. "I echo what Isabella said. We were foolish to rush into this..."
"We know how the mating bond works, guys. It is... overwhelming," Alice interjected. "We don't hold that against you, even if it did play out with... unfortunate... timing."
"Horrific timing, if we are really being honest," Carlisle replied, and my heart hurt a little at that, despite agreeing. "But we cannot do anything about that now. Isabella and I are mated, and I love her more than life. That cannot be taken back, and nor should it. I know... hard as it is to think about it... Esme would want me to move on, and live, and to be happy. Probably not as quickly as all this has happened, but God moves in very mysterious ways sometimes, and this is one of them. I can but throw myself at his mercy, for all that has befallen because of it. And at yours. Alice, Jasper, Emmett; you have been beyond gracious to us, and I thank you for your love and support. Rose, please know I hold nothing against you for your leaving. You reacted perfectly reasonably, and you left before we could explain anything further. I hope, in time, you can forgive me. And Isabella."
Rosalie remained impassive, but I caught the slightest twitch in her face at his words. She pursed her lips and nodded, gesturing for him to continue.
"As to Edward, he is my deep regret in all this. And I know the same is true for Isabella. I cannot imagine the rage of emotions this would cause in an emotionally stable person, let alone Edward, who as we well know, feels things... intensely."
"Let alone someone with his intense amount of teenage self-loathing, you mean," Rosalie said bluntly, and everyone visibly winced. It was true, but putting it like that seemed so... brutal. I was a little surprised at Rosalie's vehemence as she voiced it.
Carlisle let out a sigh, placing his elbows on the table and massaging the bridge of his nose. "Alice... you have the best insight into what Edward is thinking and feeling right now, through your visions. You've shared them with me, it's time that everyone else knows what the possibilities are, too."
Everyone looked to Alice. For once, her eternal joyous nature was subdued, and she looked worn, all trace of her pixie-like nature hidden beneath a layer of worry. Another pang of guilt reverberated through me, at having caused her all this stress.
"To begin with, none of the visions that came to me ended... well..." she admitted. "I saw various possibilities. I saw Carlisle dying, I saw Edward dying, I saw Bella dying, in numerous different ways and for numerous different reasons. Even in the possible futures where no one died, there was despair, hurt, feelings of being lost and broken. I couldn't find any happy endings."
Everyone stared at Alice, the tension palpable as I could feel them all willing her to speak of something more promising.
"You said to begin with. Have you since seen something... better?" Emmett pressed.
"Yes. I did eventually see another outcome. But first, I need to talk about the outcome that comes to me the most frequently... and thus is the most likely, still."
There was a brief silence, before she continued.
"I saw a possibility where Carlisle would be pressed to make the choice of giving in to Edward, or... ending him."
"What?" Rosalie exclaimed, voicing the shock on all their faces. "Carlisle would never...!"
"I know. And I spoke to him about it, and he confirmed he would never willingly kill Edward. Fight for his life, yes, but not kill him. And then I asked him what would happen if it was not his life on the line, but Bella's."
"Edward would never kill Bella," Emmett breathed. "Why would he do that?"
"Manipulation," Carlisle sighed. "From our friends in Italy."
Rosalie cursed and slammed her hand down on the table, squeezing her eyes shut momentarily.
"Alice said that she saw a better outcome, but it was dependent on something," I said, biting my lip in that nervous habit I still hadn't been able to shake. "It depended on whether or not you came back, Rose."
She looked up at me then, surprised, and then at Alice.
"How so?"
Alice pursed her lips. "Carlisle and I talked about the possible scenarios where the Volturi would involve themselves. We both agreed it made no sense for them to wish either Edward or Bella dead. They both have gifts that Aro would consider too valuable to destroy unless they posed a direct threat to the Brotherhood. We also concluded that Bella, at least, would never willingly join them. If Edward goes to them, as per his current decision, they will discover that she is now mated to Carlisle."
"And the fact that such a powerful gift now belongs to the mate of another coven leader..." Jasper trailed off.
"Yes. They may perceive that as a concern. But whether they do or not, Aro would most certainly prefer such a gift to belong to their coven, their guard. So the fact that Edward ends up threatening Bella..."
"Could be a ruse, to force her hand, make her think she can save both of them by willingly offering herself to the Volturi," Rosalie finished. "Sons of bitches..."
"That's about the gist of it," Alice confirmed.
"So what difference does my coming back make to the outcome?" Rosalie asked.
"I'm not sure on the why, just yet," Alice confessed. "But in my last vision, you were back with us, and I could see Bella and Carlisle together, happy, our family intact, and Edward, well... not in pain, at least. The only difference was you being here. In all the other visions, you stayed with Edward and went to Italy."
"So the question is, what do you know of Edward's thoughts, and is there anything you know which can help us turn this around?" Carlisle asked softly.
Now it was Rosalie who was the focus of attention. She sighed, tapping the table with her perfectly manicured nails.
"What are his intentions with the Volturi? Could it lead to some kind of manipulation?" he pressed. She sighed again.
"There's already been a fair bit of... manipulation... from me," she admitted eventually. "I went after him because I wanted him to know that at least one of us supported him, at least one of us was on his side. I couldn't understand why you weren't more outraged at this," she snapped, glaring daggers at Alice and Jasper.
"It wasn't that we didn't feel badly for Edward, or support his pain," Jasper replied calmly before Alice could reply. "But we were needed here, more. You know Alice and I can feel into these things more because of our abilities, and we knew the situation was a lot more complex than it seemed on the surface. If you'd stayed long enough for us to explain..."
"Well I didn't," Rosalie interjected. "I just saw my brother hurting, and rightly so. Girl brought nothing but issues to this family since she moved to Forks."
"Rosalie," Carlisle warned, but she shot him a look.
"You want my full story or not?"
He looked down and waved his hand for her to continue.
"When I caught up with him, he was all rage and no sense. Wanted to tear you limb from limb..." She paused to shoot Carlisle another look. "I tried to make him see sense, to take his rage out on the person who deserved it."
"Me."
I sighed. Unsurprising. But I could take it. I knew Rosalie held no love for me.
"Yeah you. But he wouldn't have it. Just kept raging about Carlisle and how betrayed he felt."
Carlisle winced, and I longed to stroke a comforting hand down his face as it tensed in pain.
"He went back and forth about what he wanted to do. He did mention the Volturi a little, one or twice, but they were only ever a last resort, and mostly he wanted to finish what he started last time, when he thought you were dead."
She stared at me for a full minute, face unreadable.
"After a time, after listening to all his rages, I realised two things. One, that Carlisle felt as much for Bella as she did for him."
She looked mildly disgusted.
"And two, he wasn't going to change his mind. He was even worse after he came back from his little excursion to take out his anger on Carlisle. Stupid frozen teenage hormonal rages. He didn't want to be told otherwise. I knew my presence wasn't going to do him any good. So I decided to come back, to get an idea of the bigger picture firsthand. Things were clearly more complicated than they first appeared."
There was a brief silence, before Carlisle spoke, his words breaking my heart.
"I'm sorry for the hurt I have caused this family," he said, swallowing hard. "And I'm sorry that I was not the coven leader or father I should have been, to all of you. For letting you down, Rose. I chose to put my needs, my desires, above the needs of the whole family, and..."
"Don't," I heard myself bite out. "Don't you dare take this all on yourself. When I was blaming myself for causing such an almighty fuck up, you told me it was not all on me. You told me how could I possibly have fought back against the bond, when you had over three centuries of control on me and even you couldn't fight it. Well, it's not all on you, either. It's on both of us. But it's also something that neither of us could have stopped. We need to offer ourselves compassion, you said. So cut yourself some slack, okay?"
Jasper and Emmett quirked their lips into a smile. Alice remained serious, but there was a twinkle in her eye that hadn't been there before. As for me, I was stunned that I had spoken up so passionately. This mating bond brought out more than just an intense desire to love, and to mate. It brought out a fierce protectiveness, a fierce desire to help, honour and defend the other.
Rosalie was frowning, but her scowl, for once, was not directed at me. And for once, she seemed to be struggling to find the words she wanted. Finally, she looked up at me, and then Carlisle.
"I admit, I came back ready to hate both of you. I couldn't understand how on earth you could go from such grief to... to... this. And how Bella could go from wanting to give up her mortal life for the first guy she fell in love with at high school, to wanting to spend the rest of eternity with someone she knew even less. But..."
She looked between us, reluctant to speak the words.
"But now I know about the bonding. Now that I know... can see... that you are mates... that does change things. A little at least. It makes some sense of things. Right down to why Bella was drawn to this family in the first place. In time... I will be okay with this, in time, I guess. But it doesn't change the fact that Edward has been dealt a deep injustice. I can't stop struggling with the fact of what you did to him, or the fact that he loves Bella so very much, and is suffering for it."
Alice let out a sigh. "You are right when you say things are more complicated than they first appeared. There were multiple events that happened that led to everything playing out the way it did."
"Well, it doesn't change the fact that it played out horribly badly. Or that I feel for Edward more, on this. Sorry. It was so fast, so unexpected. So cruel! I mean, he got zero warning! This should have been handled so much better."
"Rose, I get it," Alice said gently, and her next words sent a chill through me, as they stirred up memories I wished I could forget.
"But you would have felt differently, I think, if you knew what Edward almost did to Bella."