Skyhold
Alvaerle, Inquisitor instead of just the Herald of Andraste (both titles she found overwhelming at times) pulled her cloak about her as a chilly wind whipped across the battlements where she stood, watching below as Cassandra and Cullen worked with a group of new recruits in the courtyard.
She found herself smiling as she watched Cassandra giving instruction, a still unexpected warmth filling her chest. The sensation kept taking her by surprise though at this point it was becoming more and more common, forcing Alva to come to a problematic conclusion; she had feelings for the seeker that went well beyond simple attraction.
She pressed gloved fingers to her temple, resigned, happy, terrified, enthralled, and disgusted with herself that despite her best efforts she could not rid herself of this attraction and now she wasn't sure she wanted too because it was so much more than that. It wasn't her fault, it was a culmination of events that had just... given birth to these feelings.
The first came after Redcliff when their plan to capture Alexius had gone a bit awry. Being sent forward into time had been jarring enough but to have seen the chaos, the raw, merciless destruction that had been left in it's wake still shook Alvaerle to her core.
But it was the the fate a failed future had for her companions that had made everything worse…
She moved silently across the dirty stone floor, using the fallen piece of stone in the middle of the walkway to give her a boost. Alva vaulted off it and onto the back of the startled guard, plunging her dagger into his neck, cutting off his ability to scream and warn any others. Next to her Dorian had cracked his staff across the skull of the other, a quick blast of his magic and the guard to shared his comrades fate.
"We have to get back Dorian," Alva whispered as they passed by yet another cell full of red lyrium. After seeing and speaking with Fiona moments before nausea rolling through her stomach to think that once upon a the lyrium inside these cells had been a person. She dared not let her thoughts drift towards speculating who.
"I know. We will, with a little luck. And a little magic. Both of which I have," Dorian offered her a smile in attempt to lighten the grim reality of their situation but Alva saw the fear and disgust in his own eyes. Still a warm fondness bloomed in her chest that he would even try under the circumstances.
As they crept towards another cell block, Alva's acute sense of hearing picked up someone reciting the chant of light. The voice was familiar but… wrong. The pitch of tone much like Fiona's had been. Dread seized Alvaerle. Without explaining to Dorian she surged ahead, faster than they had been moving before, charging through the door without bothering to check for another pair of guards. There were none, but their absence was hardly noteworthy. A loud distressed sound tumbled from Alvaerle's mouth when she saw who was inside the first cell. Cassandra.
The Seeker was on her knees and her hands must have been clasped together in prayer in front of her because Alvaerle couldn't see them. Instead the red lyrium surrounded the front of Cassandra's body, her neck, face and back exposed though not by much. Cassandra stared sightless at the lyrium, and simply kept repeating the chant of light.
"Cassandra… Cassandra no…" Alva grabbed hold of the cell door in a desperate grip, despair and helplessness clawing at her. "Dorian… Dorian get it open. Please."
Cassandra suddenly stopped speaking, turning her head slightly so her gaze rested outside of her cell. Shock registered on her face, but then that slipped away and she closed her red tinted eyes instead. "I am hallucinating again… be gone apparition! I beg you. Torture me with the sight of our beloved Herald no longer."
Tears slipped down Alva's cheeks at Cassandra's words.
"Step back dear," Dorian urged her and when Alva finally complied a blast of lightning hit the cell lock.
The moment she heard the click, Alva pushed Dorian out of the way, desperate to get to Cassandra. She flung open the cell door and came forward, the sight of the seeker becoming blurred by her tears as she took in the full extent of the woman's torture. Cassandra's back was covered in baldly healed and in some cases, not healed at all whip marks. Bruises marking the portions of her sides Alva could see. She tried to swallow back the lump in her throat, dashing the tears from her eyes and then tenderly touched Cassandra's face and the Seekers eyes opened at the unexpected touch. "I'm not here to torture you Cassandra. I'm real. I'm alive. We were sent forward into time. We didn't die. I'll fix this, I swear to Mythal I'll fix this. I won't ever let them do this to you. I won't. I won't…"
Cassandra just stared at her, as if she couldn't comprehend. After a long moment she drew in a painful wheezing breath and pressed her cheek against Alva's hand. Her gaze suddenly looked sharper, a touch more like herself. "If my mind does not deceive me, then the Maker has not abandoned us. I would wish to see this world made right again before I die. And I would wish to see you, Alvaerle."
The clanging of metal and Cullen's bark for a man to use his shield properly pulled Alvaerle pulled back from that memory that still made a cold shiver run through her. She took a breath, grounding herself in the present, focusing her gaze back on Cassandra in the training yard below. Healthy. Alive.
They had grown closer after Redcliff. It had just... happened. Fighting side by side, spending so much time in close proximity, learning about each other, discovering a shared love of poetry and certain books. The closeness had done nothing to cool her desire for the other woman, and when it got to be too much Bull had always been willing to take care of her. The rough passionate sex with him had taken the edge off. But it had only been a temporary fix.
After Haven had been destroyed and they'd come to Skyhold, Alva had stopped her trysts with Bull because they no longer helped. The night of Haven's demise, when she'd almost died herself had made her realize her attraction to the seeker wasn't just physical.
It had been the thought of Cassandra, of what would happen to the Seeker if they failed, if she failed that had made Alva fight through the blizzard that night. That had been the only thought in her mind as she battled the freezing temperatures, her own wounds, and exhaustion literally to her breaking point. She remembered how she'd started cursing when her body had given her up on her and she'd collapsed into the snow. Things after that were still a bit fuzzy. She remembered seeing Cassandra's face as she blacked in and out. She remembered hearing Cassandra's soft voice in prayer beside her, while Dorian and Solas worked to heal and warm her. She remembered Cassandra's face being the first thing she'd seen when she'd finally awoken, and the fierce wordless hug the Seeker had given her. And Alva remembered acutely how she hadn't wanted Cassandra to ever let go.
Alva dropped her fingers from her temple, her gaze refocusing on the reason she was reminiscing so in the first place.
She needed to tell Cassandra. She didn't know if the Seeker felt the same. She had no idea if Cassandra was even attracted to women, attracted to her. But she would go mad if she kept this bottled up inside of her for another moment. Her resolve steeled (nervously so) she got the Seekers attention with the wave of her arms and motioned for the woman she come see her.
"Is it so terrible that I want you?"
Alva had moved to a more private section of the battlements, where those below couldn't peek up and see them with any ease. Her attempt at confessing her desire to court Cassandra, that the flirting actually meant something was not going as planned. Not that she had had a plan but…
Cassandra's brow furrowed. "It's impossible. You're the Inquisitor. The Heard of Andraste and… a wom-"
She couldn't hear it. She didn't want to hear it. She reacted on instinct. Alva surged forward, curving her hands around the Seeker's face and pressed her lips against Cassandra's. When Cassandra did not draw back immediately, Alva softened her attack. She rubbed her lips gently back and forth across the Seekers as if she loved the texture of the other woman's mouth (she was starting to think she would). She kissed each corner. She traced her tongue over Cassandra's lower lip, then let her lips caress the seekers, each motion slow. A back and forth. A soft sensual circular motion.
She finally drew back before she forgot herself, lowering her hands. Cassandra's breathing was deep. The Seeker looked stunned, at a loss for words, and underneath all that confusion Alva recognized sparks of desire. Seeing it made her own need rip through her, made her want to kiss Cassandra again.
Instead, she stepped backwards the sting of Cassandra's rejection filling up the space between them. "A woman. Yes, I am," Alva said quietly, her tone a touch husky. "You don't have to be attracted to all women Cassandra you can just be attracted to one. Me. And you should know…" Alva swallowed, and forged ahead before she lost her nerve, "I don't just want you for the physical. I want you. I want to court you. I think…" her voice almost shook as she forced herself to get past her nervousness at admitting such things aloud and continue. "…I could love you, Cassandra Pentaghast."
Cassandra said nothing, her mouth open, then closed but she truly looked at a loss for words. Alva noticed the woman's beautiful hazel eyes shifting from Alva's gaze to her mouth and back but the Seeker took a step back putting more space between them.
Alva folded her arms over her chest in a protective gesture. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. If you mean it, truly that you're not attracted to women, to me I won't flirt with you again, Seeker. You have my word." Alva turned around and quickly walked away.
Alva sat on the steps just past the Herald's Rest. She had a bottle of Mackay's Epic Single Malt in her hand and was drinking straight from it. The the usual sounds of Skyhold swirled about, more muted in the common areas at the late hour, though a bit louder coming from the left where the tavern was.
After a time, her sensitive ears picked up his heavy steps before the bulk of his frame lowered itself next to her. Bull didn't say anything right away, instead he just sat next to her in silence.
His silent understanding was so dear to her at times. Alva scooted closer and he wordlessly put his arm around her shoulders as she pressed into his side. She took another swig from the bottle, and then offered it to him. He took it.
"So, we head out tomorrow," he finally said in his smooth, rumbling tone. "Field time will do you good. Clear your head. Get you away from here."
Alva considered that and nodded slightly. "It will be a week or more before we can confirm the Wardens are at Adamant. We can make a short run of things in the meantime."
"You, me, the chargers. Dorian and Varic?"
"Sounds perfect," Alva took the bottle back from him, taking another healthy swallow. She'd nearly finished it and she was a lightweight, already the liquor had made her head heavy. It wasn't doing what she wanted though. It wasn't making her numb. It wasn't making her forget. It wasn't helping, it was heightening the pain that snuck in, the sting of rejection hitting her harder than she had anticipated. "Does everyone know?" she asked abruptly.
"Don't think so. But you've been moody for days and you're never moody, not like this."
Alva sighed, pressing the bottle against her forehead. She didn't want the gossiping to start. She didn't want to deal with it. She didn't want Cassandra to have to deal with it. She had to get her shit together. She needed...
She looked up at Bull. "Can I have you tonight? Would Dorian mind?"
"He wouldn't mind." Bull looked at her, his often times amused and mischievous gaze taking on a more serious note. "You sure you want that, Boss?"
She didn't want him, as wonderful as he was, not really. She wanted... Alva tipped back the bottle, swallowing down the remainder in a long gulp. She tossed it carelessly aside, ignoring the loud crack as it rolled down the steps and climbed into Bull's lap, putting her arms around his neck and pressing against him. She rubbed her cheek against his, whispering, "Shut up and fuck me, Bull. I don't want to feel anything but you."
She didn't remember the trip back to her quarters, only that she started pulling off her clothes as she climbed the stairs. Bull was at her back, helping her, distracting her with his large hands on her breasts, his open mouth on her neck, his teeth and tongue on her skin making her moan shamelessly.
He didn't put her on the bed, instead he slammed her roughly back against the wooden door next to it. It hurt, knocked the breath out of her, and made her wetter. She climbed up him, her arms tight around his neck, her legs around his waist. Their lips collided hard, passionately, his tongue licking deeply inside of her mouth.
He pushed inside of her abruptly, and she ripped her mouth away from his to give voice to her loud cry of pleasure. "Yes. Fuck me. Harder. Harder please."
She was pulled away from the door, his cock slipping out of her wet heat so he could bend her over the bed. Alva went easily, lifting her ass to him eagerly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I don't want to think, Bull, I just want-"
Cassandra. To feel loved. To be a woman again not an idea. To forget that she was apparently the most powerful woman in Thedas and the one thing she wanted, she couldn't have.
Bull grabbed her by the hips and sunk back inside of her with one smooth stroke. He was far too big for her to take him all, but she took enough and the pleasure blocked out everything else for a while. He fucked her wildly, hard and fast, slapped the cheek of her ass, and told her how good she felt around his cock.
She appreciated that in this moment he treated roughly, like a whore even. She gripped the furs that covered her bed with one hand, her cheek pressed against her arm, her shameless cries echoing throughout the chamber. Her other hand reached between her legs, finding her clit and stroking it furiously, sending her pleasure spiraling.
"Yes, yes… don't stop. Don't you dare stop."
He grunted his reply and feed her a little more of his huge length. When her orgasm finally ripped through her, her neck snapped back, technicolor flashing behind her eyes with it's intensity. Her lips parted, and before she even knew it a name carried itself out of her mouth around her breathless moans. "Cassandra!"