TW: panic attack, mentions of miscarriage

Chapter 38

Santana's POV

On the day we could finally take a pregnancy test at the beginning of February, I stopped by the drugstore to pick three up on my way home from work.

When I got home, I quickly brought the tests into the master bathroom before going to Everly's bedroom where her and Brittany were playing with her dolls.

"Mami!" Evie exclaimed, running to hug me.

"How was your day?" I asked, letting her go from the hug.

"Good. Me and Mama played in the snow and now we're playin' dolls!"

"That sounds fun!" I replied, smiling at Brittany, trying not to let her see just how nervous I was about the three pregnancy tests sitting in our bathroom.

After eating dinner, the three of us spent the evening playing and reading until it was time for Everly to go to bed.

"Do you want to do it now?" Brittany asked once we'd tucked Evie into bed.

I nodded. "I really just want to get it over with."

We made our way into the bathroom, and I peed on all three pregnancy tests, handing each one to Brittany once I was done.

During the five minute wait, Brittany and I didn't talk. I stared at the light blue wall in front of me and picked at my nails, trying to breathe deeper to ease the nerves in my whole body.

The sound from Brittany's timer made me jump, startling the butterflies in my stomach back into action.

"Can you look?" I asked her.

She nodded, biting her lip, before looking down at the pregnancy tests.

"They're all negative," she said, her voice monotone.

I felt a small wave of relief wash out of me, but with that came tears to my eyes and sadness in my chest. Standing from the toilet, I walked the two steps to Brittany and hugged her tightly.

"Are you okay?" she asked, squeezing me back.

"I mean, it hurts, but I'm okay. You?"

"Yeah, I think I'm okay. We knew it could take a few tries, right? I just really wanted them to be positive," she replied.

"I did too."

Trying not to dwell too much on the negative pregnancy tests, we resumed our normal schedules.

For Valentine's day, Brittany and I went out for dinner with Everly, and we celebrated on our own once she was put to bed later that night.

I was starting to feel a lot better about the negative pregnancy tests. If we were meant to have another kid, it would happen one way or another, or at least that's what I tried to believe. Still, I knew getting pregnant wouldn't necessarily be easy, and I was willing to try again.

The next day, I had a number of appointments at work. None of my patients were close to giving birth at the moment, so my working hours had been mostly predictable.

That was until I got called down to the emergency clinic. Rarely ever was a midwife sent to emergency, only when it was very busy and there was a pregnancy-related issue, so I was a little nervous when I got called down.

I was led into a room with a woman and who I assumed was her husband. She didn't really look pregnant, but with the way she was crying and holding her stomach, I was sure she was.

"Are you the doctor?" the husband asked me when I stepped into the room.

"I'm the midwife," I replied. "Can you explain what's happening?"

"My wife's been having lots of cramping and pain. She's twelve weeks pregnant." His words were rushed.

"Okay, I'll do an ultrasound." I started preparing for an ultrasound, trying to calm my own panic.

I let out a long breath when no heartbeat filled the room, my heartrate picking up.

"I'm sorry," I said, wishing I could be of more comfort. "You're having a miscarriage."

I felt as though I was in a dream as I watched the man comfort his wife, and I somehow managed to get more information out of my mouth and call a doctor into the room before I found myself in the staff bathroom throwing up.

Trying to slow my breathing was of no use. Once I was done emptying my stomach, my body was sticky with sweat and my heart racing out of my chest. I looked up at the fluorescent lights, my body swaying, the room spinning. Wiping my face, I felt just how many tears had fallen from my eyes, pulling my knees into my chest on the floor. I managed to get my phone out of my pocket to call Brittany.

"Hey Santana. How are you?" Brittany answered.

Hearing my wife's voice just made me cry harder; I couldn't reply.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I-I-I can't… I can't breathe," I managed to get out.

"Okay, can you breathe with me Santana? I'll count, okay?"

I nodded, despite the fact that she couldn't see me and tried my best to breathe along with Brittany's counting. Once I could catch a breath and my heartrate had slowed down a bit, I felt myself crying even harder.

"What happened?" Brittany asked.

"There… there was a woman, and she was… she was having a-a miscarriage," I replied.

"Oh, Santana. Do you need me to come get you?"

I still had a few hours of work left, but I didn't think I'd be able to do any more that day.

I replied, "I just need to let my boss know I can't stay."

"I'll be right there."

"Thanks, B." I hung up the phone.

Slowly, I managed to pull myself off the floor. Looking in the mirror, I noticed just how awful I looked. My eyes were red, my makeup smeared, and my hair no longer done up nicely. I made my way out of emergency and back to maternity.

"Santana. Are you alright?" my boss asked when I made it to her office.

"I'm not feeling well," I replied. "I think I need to go home. I only have one more appointment today."

"Okay. I'll find someone to cover your last appointment. It looks like you should go home."

"Thank you." I left the office to pick up my things before heading to the door.

The fresh and freezing winter air filled my lungs as I stepped outside, surprisingly making me feel a little better, despite how much I usually didn't like winter.

Brittany pulled into the parking lot in the car shortly after, and I climbed into the passenger side.

"Hi Mami!" Everly exclaimed from the backseat.

"Hey Evie," I replied. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yes! We played outside!"

I listened to Everly talk about her day during the ride home, letting my daughter's voice calm me down. Brittany held my hand throughout the ride back as well, and I squeezed it to let her know I'd be alright.

"Do you want to talk?" Brittany asked when we pulled up onto our driveway.

"Maybe later," I replied. "I think I need to take a shower now."

"Okay. I'm here when you're ready." Brittany helped Everly out of her car seat, and all three of us made our way into the house.

In the shower, I washed off my day, all the sweat, sick, and tears. I felt even better after my shower, and I went to join Brittany and Everly with their playing before dinner.

Brittany and I read an extra story to Everly when putting her to bed, and then we went to our bedroom.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Brittany asked.

"Well, I mean, I think I'm okay now. I shouldn't be reacting like that. It's been months," I replied.

"I think you had every reason to react that way." Brittany grabbed my hands in hers, looking into my eyes. "The miscarriage was traumatic to you, to both of us, and that doesn't just go away quickly."

"I know. I just… that woman and her husband were struggling, and I couldn't comfort them. I just ran out."

"Maybe you need to say something to your boss?"

"No, I'll be okay. I can't take time off right now, and I can't avoid miscarriages at work. It's not like I see them a lot; I'll manage.," I said.

"Okay, as long as you're sure," Brittany replied.

Thankfully, after the miscarriage incident, I didn't have another panic attack at work. Our next appointment to try to get me pregnant again was just over a week after that day, and I was definitely anxious. But, having had it done twice before, at least I wasn't as anxious about the actual procedure, just about the unknown that came after.

Brittany supported me throughout the appointment and when we got home after, which I was very grateful for. I placed my hand on my lower stomach and hoped and hoped that I was pregnant and wouldn't lose the baby this time.

A/N:

I don't know much about how hospitals work, so forgive me if anything is inaccurate. Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story! I love and appreciate all your support and your comments.