Chapter 12: Musing

(Alternatively, Thoughts About the Past, Present, And Future)

(Shikamaru's POV)

It's been a week since he's met Chōji and he and Naru both agree that the boy is one of the sweetest and kindest people they've ever known. Chōji's mild temper is a good mix with their own temperaments. Naru is often too boisterous and Shikamaru knows that he can be a seemingly disinterested hard-ass at times.

(A life of fighting doesn't leave much room for softness and when Hyo can be soft it is only towards his family in private, the, unfortunately, pregnant women in their encampment, and children. Everyone else gets the same treatment – just enough interest on his face or a grunt to let them know that, yes, he is paying attention(Tseng had once told him long ago that the strong can never be weak so long as the weak rely upon them. He wishes Tseng hadn't been right about that because all Hyo had wanted to do with his life was travel so that he might find something to fill the aching void his lack of past had left behind in his mind and heart. His family helped but try as he might to make their love and returned devotion enough it wasn't. Knowing that it never would be had hurt because he loved them so much. He had wanted to be able to be at least somewhat normal and settle down in a place he could call home like Zack and Cloud did).)

Shikamaru sighs and turns his face to the sky from his place on the covered walkway leading to the small garden and Koi pond. It is gray and overcast with thick thunderclouds that threaten to break the still, humid air with their cargo. He hopes that it will rain sometime soon. The humidity is truly awful at the moment. He turns his thoughts back to his new friend.

While Naru and Chōji get along very well it already seems like he will be the one who is closer to the Akimichi. Chōji tends to gravitate towards him more than Naru. Not that the blond minds, he's just happy to have a friend at all. Chōji had quickly assured Naru after the boy had curiously asked why he spent so much time following Shikamaru, that he would find a best friend too one day. Shikamaru smiles a little helplessly at the memory. He muses sadly, 'A best friend, huh? I've had lots of people I consider family but never a real best friend.'

(AVALANCHE had been and still is part of his family even if they aren't around anymore. But just because they aren't here doesn't mean that they never existed. Shikamaru will carry their memories and his time as Hyo within himself for the rest of his life. He will never let their memories fade(so much of him is the way it is because of them. He can never dishonor them by forgetting).)

Chōji, he thinks, will be a good friend. The mellow boy has already learned that Shikamaru's mind never seems to stop going, that he is always thinking even when he doesn't want to, and he accepts it without a word. Most of the time he just tries his best to offer a distraction to Shikamaru whenever his thoughts turn down far off paths. Shikamaru appreciates this more than he can ever express to the other boy. And, for some reason, Chōji has already figured this out, has figured out that he is somewhat awkward with people. He'd told Shikamaru that he didn't care if he couldn't always find a way to express himself, that just knowing that Shikamaru wants him there as his friend is enough to tell him everything he needs to know.

He thinks back to the boys who had just dismissed kindhearted Chōji because of the Akimichi's weight and snorts in disgust. They will never understand what they so callously turn away but one man's trash is another man's treasure and Shikamaru will never toss away his new friend(he has so few precious people that he has chosen as his own in this life and it feels as if he is standing alone on an empty street after having such a large family who constantly had his back and stood with him).

A noise to his left makes him turn his head sharply and he sees his father leaning against the door frame. The man looks at him calmly for a moment before saying, "Deep in thought again, son?"

"Mm," Shikamaru hums agreeably as he turns his eyes back to the Koi pond.

"Mind sharing? Might help you work out the helpless tangles you've knotted your brain into."

Shikamaru barks a startled laugh and throws his father a lopsided grin, the left side of his mouth turned up further than the right, as he says teasingly, "I'm not quite that bad just yet, old man. Just contemplating the last week."

"Hm, I'd say it was more than that," the older Nara says and Shikamaru knows that he isn't trying to push the subject. He's just testing the grounds to see if they're stable.

"True but days like this… Days like this bring back memories, some good, some bad," Shikamaru murmurs. Sighing, he continues, "some memories aren't good or bad, they just are. They exist even if for no other reason than to prove that that life was real, to prove that it was mine. Memories of this life that I live have now are bouncing about as well."

"Some sad ones too, I would imagine," his father says.

"Aa. Some sad memories as well but I won't give any of them up. Who I was then and who I am now today are because I have these memories, because of the people I had then and the people I have now. I said it once but I'll say it again – I won't give up a single memory. That life I had, this life I have now – despite the sadness, despite the fighting," Shikamaru looks up at the sky with a sad smile. He continues softly, "there was and is good in these lives. Sometimes I wonder...if I could go back...if I could make things right...would I really change anything at all? Would I want to? My world ended but...is that really such a bad thing?

"After all, everything ends. Who's to say that changing anything would have stopped what happened? That anything would have turned out for the better? I certainly can't say anything like that."

"I can't either. Only Kami-sama knows, I thinks," his father says. "You're certainly a lot wiser than some people I've known. If this had happened to them they would have probably tried to do everything in their power to change it."

"But that's just the thing...I don't have that kind of power. I don't think I want it either. Having the kind of power that would allow you to go back and change whatever you wanted...I think it would corrupt whoever had it," Shikamaru says as the rain suddenly begins to crash down with a furious roar of thunder as lightning streaks across the sky. "Life is only meant to go in one direction. We can't go back to being who we once were no matter how hard we try. We can only keep moving forward. So that's what I'll do. I want to see the future of this life with these eyes. I want to see where this life will lead me. And I'll do it with my precious people by my side.

"Maybe some of them will be lost along the way. Maybe I won't make it to see that future with them but even so...I won't let that stop me. Besides, the ones we love are never truly gone. I believe that one day, I'll see them again and I'll have a grand story to tell them when I do."

"Aa, a grand story indeed," his father murmurs and Shikamaru can hear a hint of sadness under the rust in the man's voice.

Author's Note: So yeah… I nearly made myself cry a few times with this chapter but I wanted to go into more of Shikamaru's(Hyo's) feelings on his life from before and the life he has now.

The hints are pretty in your face in this chapter(if they weren't before).