Chapter 4
Walking into the clubhouse, I am still in a daze. "How are you holding up sweetheart?" Gemma asked me and I just nod. I don't know what to say. "I'll put your bag in my room." Juice says. Again, I just nod. "Baby, all the guys are here. I'll let them know what's going on but you stay inside this clubhouse. Gemma, don't let her out of your sight." my Dad says firmly. "Okay Daddy." I say finally and Gemma nods. Juice walks back in, "If you need me or your dad, just knock. Prospect will be in there with us." Juice says and I nod. Kissing me softly he says "I love you." I smile a little and say "I love you."
The guys go into the chapel and Gemma asked. "What's going on baby? Jax said your dad called church but didn't give any details." I sigh. "Mom killed herself this morning. Stupid, fucking meth head whore." I say. Gemma looks at me shocked. I don't know if it is more about the news of my mother or what I just said about her. "Grammy showed me a contract. Cunt sold me when I was six to a fucking pedofile. Now he's looking for me to 'breed' as he said." Gemma looks at me even more shocked. "You carrying?" she asked. "Yeah. I am. But they don't want me out of anyone's sight until this shit's done. I went to Skeeter's today and set her arrangements. I'm having her cremated after the service tomorrow." I say. "Well, we will all be there for you Sweetheart. No one is going to hurt you." she says. "I know. It's just. She never was a mom to me and now I have to deal with her fucking actions. How hard was it to just stay out of my life and now I find out that she fucking sold me. Like I was a piece of property." I tell her and finally break down crying. Gemma just holds me and when I calm down, she takes me to Juice's dorm and lays me down on the bed to rest.
A little bit later, I hear the door open and Juice lays on the bed next to me. I turn over and snuggle into him. "We are all going to the service tomorrow so you won't be exposed. I won't let him get to you. I promise." he says. I look up at him and say "I know. I'm just pissed and, Juice, I'm scared. I keep thinking how can a mother sell her child? Was I that much of a burden?" He kisses me softly and says "You will never be a burden. I promise you that. I love you Sara and so do all of the guys." I wipe my eyes and say "I love you too." Getting up, Juice asked "Where are you going?" I look at him and say "I need to talk to you all."
Walking into the main room, everyone is sitting around talking. "Hey guys. I need to talk to you all." I say. It's only the club members and families in here now. "I just want you to know how much I love you all and that these next few days are going to have me so fucked up so I'm sorry for any yelling that might occur." I say and they all come up to hug me. They tell me that they love me and to yell all I want. Happy walks up and says "You need something to hit, let me know. We'll spar." Smiling at him I say, "I might take you up on that."
The next day, we are sitting in the chapel at the funeral home and Grammy's preacher is talking about how he knew mom when she was younger and about how much she loved me and would be proud of the woman that I have grown into. "Sara, your mother loved you so much. She always talked about how she wanted you to grow up and take advantage of all that the world had to offer. She was a doting mother, daughter and friend." he said and I scoffed. Grammy put her hand on mine and whispered "Just breathe." Juice pulled me close and whispered "It's okay baby. I got you." When the preacher asked if anyone else wanted to share a few words about my mother I stood. I walked to the podium and started speaking. "Most of you knew my mother when she was younger. But, being her daughter you would think that I knew her well. I didn't. I went to live with my dad when I was six. She didn't have anything to do with me after that. Granted she was still my mother but she wasn't my mom. Thank you for saying she would be proud of me but for her to be proud she would have had to know me. My mother was many things but a good mom wasn't one of them. For the longest time, I blamed myself for that. Thinking that I did something wrong but it was my dad, Grammy and my boyfriend that showed me that it wasn't anything wrong with me. Thank you all for coming out to say goodbye to her and for your support." I say before walking back down from the podium and into Juice's arms.
After the service, we all went back to the clubhouse and Grammy and Uncle Jay followed us. I introduced them to everyone and we all sat around talking. Well they were talking. I was just listening. "Where are you staying while in town?" Gemma asked. "At the Charming Inn. We will only be here a couple of more days before we head home." We spent the rest of the night talking before Grammy and Uncle Jay left and I excused myself to head to bed. Juice followed me and laid down with me. "Juan, you don't have to stay in here. You can hang out. I'm okay." I said. "I want to be in here with you. Now, come here." I laid down with him and put my head on his chest. After a few minutes, I feel the tears running down my face. Juice doesn't say anything. He just turns towards me and pulls me closer and let's me sob into his chest. Rubbing my back, he tells me how much he loves me and that he's going to stay with me as long as I want him to.
The next morning, Grammy calls. "Hey Sweetheart. I just spoke to Skeeter. He has your mom's urn ready. Do you want to send someone for it?" she asked. "No. You can take it if you want. I don't want it." I say. "Okay baby. If you're sure." she says sadly. "I'm sure. She didn't want me then so I don't want her now." I say and she completely understands. "I'll come by later and say goodbye before you leave." I say. "No Sweetheart. We will come by there. It's safer for you to be there." she says and I agree. Getting off the phone, Dad walks in. "That your Grammy?" he asked. "Yeah. They will be by later to say goodbye. She asked if I wanted the ashes. I told her no." I say. "That's your decision baby. How you holding up?" he asked. "I'll be okay. Just want this shit with that guy done." I say. "It will be soon. You Old Man is on the computer now trying to locate him." he says and I just sit back in silence.