If you let me take your heart,
I will prove to you
 We will never be apart,
if I'm part of you

Open up your eyes now,
tell me what you see
 It is no surprise now,
what you see is me

As It Is In Heaven
Chapter 17 – "Tell Me What You See"

He was still breathing heavily, his cheek pressed to hers, his arms around her body and his heart pounding away. Only one word on his mind.

'Wow'.

"Amy…", he whispered. "That was… I have no words."

She pulled away from him so she could look at him.

"Me neither.", she breathed out.

They smiled at each other sheepishly.

Sheldon hated to interrupt this moment, but he had to. He knew, his germaphobia was about to kick in any second now.

"I should… uhm… go to the bathroom to get rid of this.", he whispered, pointing at his privates.

Amy nodded and slipped off his lap, which made him already miss feeling the warmth of her body on top of his.

She then tried to cover herself with the throw that was lying on the other side of the couch.

He wanted to say more. Tell her, there was no reason to hide herself now. Assure her that he wasn't fleeing from her, but he really needed a short moment to clean himself up and take a deep breath. That he did not want things to get awkward or uncomfortable. Not after what they had just shared.

The words seemed to be stuck in his throat though, so he just flashed her another smile, grabbed his clothes and went to the bathroom.

There, he took a few deep breaths, before he rinsed out the used prophylactic and threw it away.

He wanted to go back to Amy, talk to her and make sure things between them were okay, but at the same time, he felt sweaty and sticky all over and he was starting to freak out over it.

Amy surely wouldn't mind if he took a quick shower. He would be much more capable of facing her afterwards.

Luckily, the guest towels were still in the same place his meemaw had kept them, so it only took a few minutes until he felt a bit more like himself again.

Getting redressed in his day clothes wasn't ideal, but he had no other option.

Finally, he was able to think a little more clearly again.

He tried sorting through the many thoughts that were running wild in his mind.

He had just had coitus. Although now that he had experienced it, he hated this word.

It was so much more than just a physical act.

But he didn't have a better word for it either. Everything he came up with sounded either too clinical or too intimate for the stage their relationship was at, although he couldn't even say for sure, which stage this would be.

He tried to analyze how he felt about what had happened.

It had been messy. And kind of scary. At the same time so wholesome and beautiful.

It had taken him by surprise. Not just the act itself, but also how easy it was, taking these steps with her. How amazing it had felt.

The connection he had felt before, somehow it felt even deeper now that they had experienced this big moment together. Especially because it was a first for both of them, something he still hadn't really processed yet.

And what did this mean now for Amy and him?

He chastised himself. It was so unlike him, not thinking these things through. Acting on his baser urges.

This day had already been complicated and emotional enough and now he had to go and do… this… with Amy.

His mind flashed back to how it had felt. Her kisses. Her soft skin under his fingers. The nervousness and at the same time the assurance that it would be okay. Because it was her.

He had dreamed about it so often, but none of his dreams could compare to this.

No, he really couldn't say he regretted it. Even if it would complicate his life. It had been worth it.

There was a light knock at the door.

"Sheldon? Are you alright? You've been in there for a long time. I mean… you're still there, right?"

He took another deep breath before he opened the door.

"I'm sorry.", he said as he took in her appearance. She was wearing a grey robe. Her hair looked as if she had been in a storm and her cheeks were pink. She had never looked more beautiful. "I just… needed a shower. You do not know this about me, but I sort of… shower… a lot. Because, uhm…"

"You're a germaphobe.", she said, a little smile spreading across her lips. "I know more than you think."

Why wasn't he surprised? Of course, she would know that.

"Are you okay?", he asked then. "With… everything?"

"That depends.", she answered hesitantly. "Are you?"

There it was again. Her insecurity. Now that he knew her better, he was able to tell that it had always been there.

But why?

He could have told her about the confusing thoughts in his mind or about the questions he was asking himself. But somehow, he knew, there was only one thing she needed to hear right now.

And as he said it, he realized, it was the truth.

"Yes. I am okay with it.", he nodded.

She breathed out relieved. "Good."

They smiled at each other for a second and he could feel the tension between them building again. What was this woman doing to him?

"I'll let you use the bathroom now.", he mumbled then and made his way out of the door, before he would lose control and ravish her again right there in her shower.

"Sheldon?", she called after him again and when he turned to her, he could see the insecurity in her eyes again. "Could you… uhm… not leave yet? Or maybe even… stay the night?"

He raised his eyebrows at her. This was new. He had never spent the night at her place. But now that he thought about it, he had heard about this before. This social convention of staying the night after… having relations.

"I… I don't have my pajamas here.", he said, a little unsure on how to handle this. But as he saw her face fall, he knew there was no choice.

"I guess I can sleep in my underwear this once.", he shrugged, even if he craved his Friday pajamas that were waiting for him across the street. "But I'll have to leave early. I promised my sister to go get the children with her first thing in the morning."

"Doesn't matter.", she said quickly. "You can leave as early as you want. Your family would worry anyway if you weren't there in the morning. And I don't want to give your mother a reason not to like me again. But Sheldon, I don't want to sound needy, but I just… really want you to stay after… you know. At least for a while."

In this moment, Sheldon realized, he would do anything to make this uncertainty in her voice and the weird look on her face disappear.

He smiled at her reassuringly. "I'll see you in bed in a bit."

With that, he leaned down and brushed his lips against her cheek, before making his way to the guest room.

After stripping down to his underwear and folding his clothes neatly, he lay down in her bed and waited.

This was new. Not the location.

He had slept in this bed before sometimes, when he used to visit his meemaw.

But he had never shared a bed with anyone, and he was a little anxious on how that would work.

Amy entered the room a few minutes later. Guilt washed over him, as he noticed that her movements were a bit stilted.

He lifted the cover and she lay down next to him, but she hardly looked at him.

She seemed much more nervous than before.

He turned on his side towards her.

"Hey.", he whispered.

Finally, she looked at him. "Hi.", she said, smiling slightly and turned to him as well.

They weren't even touching, but even so, lying in bed with her like this, felt extremely intimate to him.

"Are you still… hurting?", he asked, his voice small.

"It's fine. Just a little sore.", she assured him. "Please don't feel bad. This is perfectly normal."

"I wish I had known.", he said regretfully. "I would have been more careful. I would have taken more time to... I wouldn't… you wouldn't…"

"It's fine.", she repeated. "Sheldon, I did not tell you, because I did not want to make a big deal out of this."

"But it is a big deal.", he insisted. "I hurt you. And I am so, so sorry for that."

"Sheldon.", she said and reached out for his hand, although she seemed to hesitate to take it. He hated that she suddenly seemed to be uncomfortable around him. "Sheldon, please don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I wanted this. Maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. But I don't regret anything. Yes, it was painful for a moment, but for what it's worth, I really did enjoy myself. You must have noticed that."

A flash of her on top of him, moaning and shuddering, entered his mind. Oh, dear Lord. He swallowed hard and finally enveloped her hand with his.

"You really don't regret it?", he clarified.

"No.", she said firmly. "Do you?"

He closed his eyes, but even so, he could feel her staring at him, waiting for an answer.

"I don't", he finally whispered. "It was… unexpected. It confuses me. I keep asking myself what this means for us. And I regret hurting you. I regret not making it more special, more meaningful for you. But – and that is strange for me – I don't regret the fact that it happened."

He was surprised by his own words. This act, he never thought of doing with anyone. That he used to think of as ridiculous and off-putting. But not anymore. Not with her. With her, it somehow made sense. And that was scary in a whole new way.

"Sheldon.", he heard her voice again. "You were under no obligation to make this special for me. Not even if you had known. And it was special. Because it was with you."

Because it was with you.

There was something he kept wondering about.

"Amy, please don't be offended, but… how is this even possible?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "How is what possible?"

He sighed, hoping to find the right words for his confusion.

"Amy, I meant it when I said. I do not share the opinion my mother had of you. But you told me you were saying yes to new experiences. You dated frequently. You have condoms in your purse. I assumed there must have at least been someone you've been intimate with. I just… I don't understand."

She smiled at him weakly.

"I told you before. There just never has been anyone before that I wanted to do this with. Yes, I did date a lot. And I enjoyed parts of it. Getting this kind of attention. Feeling seen. Sometimes even the little kiss at the end of the night. But I never went out more than twice with the same man. Because – as I learned along the way – apparently, the third date creates the expectation of…"

"Sex.", he finished for her. "I've heard that before."

He remembered the conversation he had with his friends. He had found this ridiculous then and he still felt the same way about it. He knew, he could never do this with someone he only had met three times. But well, up until tonight he did not think he could ever do it with anyone, regardless of the number of hypothetical dates he would have been on with that person.

And technically, he and Amy hadn't even been on one official date.

"I just never met a man who was worth the third date.", she continued. "Until…"

Until you.

Even if she did not say it, the words were hanging in the air.

"As for the condoms…", she continued. "I once read a list on the internet. About things every woman should have in her purse apart from her phone and wallet. Things like tissues. Band-aids. Mints. And… condoms. I never really considered needing them, but I like to be prepared."

"I see.", he just said. He had to admit, he loved preparedness.

And…", she gulped. "I want you to know that, just because this was my first time, I do not expect anything from you. Things were said tonight. Things I really loved to hear. But I understand that some of it could have been in the heat of the moment, and I want to make clear that you do not owe me anything. I know tonight probably did not mean to you what it meant to me and that is okay."

"What do you mean, tonight did not mean to me what it meant to you?", he asked a little taken aback.

"Well…", she sighed. "Let's not sugarcoat this. We know how it is. You had this buzzing social life in California surrounded by friends. And look at you. You are tall and handsome and so incredibly intelligent. You must have girls running after you on every occasion. And while tonight was very special to me, it is okay if you do not feel the same way. Just because I gave you my virginity, doesn't mean you have to feel obligated to me in any way."

He studied her face. It looked as if she was serious about this, even if her voice sounded different than usual. Detached somehow. As if she was forcing herself to say something she had been practicing to say.

Was that what she thought of him? That he was some kind of lothario, breaking women's hearts left and right. Did she not realize…?

"You don't know.", he breathed out. "How can you not know? You seem to know everything else about me. How can you not know this? I thought… I assumed it was obvious. I thought you knew.", he stuttered.

"Knew what?", she asked, still staring at him.

"Amy, I've never… I mean… I never even wanted to… I… I…", it still blew his mind what she had thought of him, and he had a hard time forming words that expressed how he felt. He took a deep breath. "Amy, before I met you, I never even willingly kissed a woman. I wasn't interested. You… you completely caught me by surprise with the things you suddenly made me desire. Tonight… it was just as special to me as it was to you. And I have never wanted to share this with anyone either. Until you."

She started blinking rapidly.

"You… you never… Really?", she whispered. "But I thought… I mean. But I saw… Never? Really?"

"Never.", he confirmed. "Amy, I am completely new to this. Even more than you. I… I've never flirted. Never dated. Never tried to kiss someone… well… until six months ago."

"You never went on a date?", she was still sounding shocked. "Not even once? Are you sure?"

He chuckled. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. Here she was thinking she was the inexperienced one. It was no surprise that she had a hard time believing the opposite.

"My friends once tried to set me up on a blind date.", he confessed. "They blackmailed with a dirty sock in my apartment. They wanted me to meet some woman at a coffee shop. I don't even drink coffee. I blackmailed them back by telling them I would turn them in for several things that could have gotten them fired. Or deported. I was bluffing of course, but it got me out of this ridiculous endeavor."

She seemed to be speechless, her mouth opening and closing a few times before she found her voice again.

"Really?", she asked. "You weren't curious even a little? You didn't… I don't know… go to that coffee shop, take one look at the woman, decide she wasn't your type, and you could do better? You didn't just leave without saying hello?"

It was his turn to stare at her.

What she was suggesting sounded completely foreign to him.

"Why would I do such a thing?", he asked. "I was never interested in dating in the first place. And even if I were, why would I care about how she looked like? No. I stayed home, did my laundry and played video games. I'm assuming, my friends cancelled that date anyway. Anything else would have been rude. Even to their standards."

"You're right.", she nodded. "That would be rude."

"Although…", he sighed. He had never shared that with anyone. "Sometimes, later on, after my friends got girlfriends, after they started getting married, having children, I did feel lonely at times. I did sometimes ask myself if I made a mistake. I longed for a friend. Someone to spend time with when they were busy with the part of their lives that eluded me."

It was true. Even if he always believed science to be the love of his life. Even if he always said was content staying home alone, watching TV or learning new things, he felt lonely and abandoned on many occasions.

"So… did you regret not meeting her?", Amy asked softly.

"At times.", he admitted. "Which is crazy. I was craving a friend, not looking for someone to date. And even if I were, we all know dating sites are hokum. What are the odds that this person would have become in any way significant to my life?"

"Yeah.", she agreed, although her voice sounded funny. "What are the odds."

He sighed. Why were they even talking about this? That happened a decade ago and even if he was no expert on this, he had a feeling it was probably inappropriate in some way, talking about another woman while lying in bed with someone he had just slept with.

He grinned at the thought about something she had just said.

"Amy…", he started teasingly. "I want you to know that just because this was my first time, I don't expect anything from you. And you don't owe me anything. The fact that I gave you my virginity, does not mean you have to feel obligated to me in any way."

His lips turned into a grin, and he pressed them together to not burst out in laughter, but it was to no avail as he found himself spluttering.

"Oh, shut up.", she exclaimed and playfully slapped his upper arm before starting to laugh herself.

It took a while, before they could catch their breaths again.

"I can't believe you're mocking me like this.", she finally said, shaking her head amused.

"I can't believe you would think tonight wasn't special to me.", he retorted, a bit more seriously. "Amy, were you not listening to me earlier? I told you I've been dreaming of you. I told you your friendship wasn't enough anymore. I told you how much you mean to me. I don't want to mock you, but you have to admit it is a bit ridiculous, you thinking I wouldn't want to be obligated to you. Why are you so insecure when it comes to this?"

She smiled at him weakly.

"It's just…", she sighed. "It's you. I have dreamed about this for such a long time. And I am not used to my dreams coming true."

He nodded. This he could understand. He too had dreams in his life that seemed to be out of reach right now.

"You know what I just realized", she said, grinning cheekily. "You're lucky I did not sign the clause you've put into my contract in the beginning. Who would have thought it would be you, soiling Connie's couch with your 'naked sweaty bottom'."

His eyes widened.

"Oh no… I'll better get this couch cleaned as soon as I can."

She giggled.

"Well, at least, we did not do it on her kitchen table. Or her carpet."

"Yet.", he said before he could stop himself.

She gaped at him.

"Are you saying you want to do it again soon? And next time on… the kitchen table?"

He was shocked at himself for implying it. What had gotten into him tonight?

"No.", he said after a few seconds of silence and when she looked disappointed for a second, he leaned in to kiss her lips softly. Just a short peck, because he knew it would not take much to lose control.

He lowered his voice then and whispered into her ear.

"I think… maybe we should start out with your bed. Let's save the advanced stuff for later. Just…", he scrunched up his nose. "Not the table. It's where we eat."

This seemed to make her happy, because she moved a little closer to him.

"Sheldon…", she whispered. "Do you… uhm… do you think we could… cuddle a bit?"

Cuddle?

Oh, dear Lord.

But then again, they had done much more than cuddle tonight. And also, it wasn't the first time, holding her. So why did it feel so strange right now.

"Uhm… sure.", he conceded and awkwardly pulled her into his arms.

It took a minute, but as he felt her warm body in his arms, he finally felt himself relax. It didn't feel so strange after all.

"So…", she mumbeld then, as she nestled into his chest. "Where do we go from here? What are the next steps?"

He sighed.

"I don't know.", he admitted. "Obviously, there is something between us. Something more than just friendship. Much more. It's just… so much to take in. It's completely new territory."

She nodded. "I feel the same way. And tomorrow is the competition. Maybe right now isn't the right time to sort this out."

"Alright.", he agreed. "Tomorrow we'll win the competition and go celebrate with the others and then, the day after tomorrow, we can talk about how to move forward together."

He was okay with this. As long as it was clear that this time, he had no intention of going back to being just friends with her.

He heard her sigh contently and then there was silence, as they held each other tight.

This was nice, he decided. And even if he had no idea how he could possibly wrap his head around everything that had happened that night, he did enjoy the peacefulness of this moment.

Amy fell asleep only minutes after, but he stayed awake for a long time, listening to her even breath. Her nose whistling a little. She was whimpering in her sleep sometimes and he wondered if she was still in pain.

He berated himself. No matter what she had said, she deserved better than this. Next time, he would make sure she was ready.

Next time.

It felt so good, finally holding her in his arms instead of just imagining it.

Yes, he decided. He definitely wanted there to be a next time.

Not just the sex. He wanted to be this part of her life, even if it scared him a little.

Maybe he wasn't destined to be alone after all. Maybe his possibilities weren't as limited as he thought they were.

Sheldon Cooper. Physicist. Genius. One of a kind. Landlord. Brother. Friend. Lover?

Maybe, yes.

At last, the exhaustion took over and he closed his eyes.

A few hours later, and much too early for his taste, his alarm rang, and he shut it off, before it could wake her up as well.

He untangled himself from her body and sat up. She grumbled something in her sleep and tried to reach for him but wrapped her arms around a pillow instead. It was adorable.

Every fiber of his being told him to stay a while longer. To just cuddle up to her again and enjoy the warmth of her body. But he knew he had to go before anyone would notice he was still not at home.

He smiled softly, still watching her sleep as he came to a decision.

Yes, right now, they had to focus on the competition and hopefully win it. But after that, he would get his sister's advice on which flowers to get and then he would surprise Amy and ask her out on a date. A real date. With the implication that they would become more. Something serious. Something… that could have a future.

He sighed as he got dressed and finally made his way out of the door, wishing he could be here when she woke up. Kiss her good morning. Make her breakfast.

It was still dark outside, and he could hardly see the road in front of him. There was no light coming from his mother's house. Everyone was still asleep.

He whistled when he walked across the street. When was the last time he was this happy? Even with his eidetic memory, he couldn't think of even one day when he had felt as light and positive and content as right now.

Everything he had worried about was falling into place.

His mother finally believed what he had told her along.

His sister was safe, and Robbie was no longer part of his family.

And Amy… oh… Amy.

Yes, he had to admit to himself, things had happened very fast between them.

But maybe that was a good thing.

He had already known before that they were compatible on an intellectual level. He had already known they got along really well. And now, he also knew, he was capable of establishing a physical relationship with her.

What could possibly go wrong now?

But his question was answered only seconds later, when he smelled a whiff of alcohol before something charged at him and he felt a dull pain in his abdomen that made him tumble to the ground.

"Well, well, well, Smelly Pooper. I had hoped it would be you.", he heard a slurring voice.

Oh no.