A Path Well Traveled

Chapter 5

A/N: We are now starting to move a little more into the investigative side of the story, and I've tried my best to figure out the details, but this is not my field of expertise. While I did some research, I am not a lawyer, so I won't presume to be familiar with the finer points of the legal situation here. I would ask you to try and overlook minor inconsistencies or technical problems.

Every aspect of this case was frustrating, beginning with having to disclose deeply personal information to their colleagues. No one wanted to know about the sexual escapades of their Captain and coworker, and they most certainly did not want to discuss any of it. To their credit, not one of them had complained or made any sort of inappropriate comment. The team was enraged on the couple's behalf and did not hesitate to pour all their energy into solving the case.

If only there weren't so many dead ends. They had not expected the person who wrote the initial article to disclose his source, and of course he had refused. They had tried poking around a little in his business, looking into other reports on the website in question in the hopes of finding anything illegal they could nail him on. As it was, the man had published photographs that had been taken in public areas. While the content of the last batch of images made the situation a little murky, there were no intimate body parts visible, and one could still argue that, in light of Captain Raydor's possible promotion, it was a matter of public interest if her character could be questioned.

In other words, they had nothing. The website repeatedly skirted along the very edges of legality with the content they published, but they never quite crossed the line. They did not even have enough to get a warrant for their financials. Everyone was on edge, one fearful eye on Mike Tao and his news alert, another concerned one on their Captain.

Sharon rarely left her office anymore, holing up inside under the pretense of doing paperwork or working through her old cases in order to identify a likely suspect. At home, she was quiet and withdrawn, rarely eating and barely sleeping. She thought that Andy hadn't noticed how she spent her nights staring at the ceiling or sneaking out to sit on the balcony.

The truth was, he was not sleeping so well himself and usually was awake when she slipped out of the bedroom. Sometimes he joined her outside, sitting in one of the deck chairs and pulling her into his lap. They seldom talked about it. Mostly, he just held her, drawing strength from her presence and hoping that he gave her some in return.

Sometimes they used the quiet hours of the night to mull over possible suspects and their motivations, but it was hard to come up with something that held up to closer scrutiny. Why would someone they convicted in the past wait over twenty years to get their revenge? They decided that the most probable reason for what was happening to them was that someone wanted to hurt Sharon's chances of getting Taylor's job. Whether it was to influence the race in favor of one of the other candidates or to hurt her by disqualifying her, they did not know.

No one wanted to believe that one of the other candidates had anything to do with such a smear campaign. Winnie Davies was the only one who even really wanted the job, and she seemed confident that she would get it. The woman had never had a problem with low self-esteem. They had experienced that not so long ago when Davis had tried to assert her authority over Major Crimes whenever she had objected to the way they did something. While Sharon's polite but resolute ways were usually enough to convince even superior officers that it was better to defer to her judgment as far as working her cases was concerned, it had very little effect on the Deputy Chief.

Davis was the only other candidate who even knew her all those years ago. Although, knowing would be an overstatement. They were aware of the other's existence within the department, but they had never had much to do with one another. Sharon had not even personally investigated any of her officers' OIS cases.

She did not see how Davis could have gotten her hands on those photographs, and she had a hard time imagining her stooping so low to get the promotion. No matter how much the other woman annoyed her, Sharon refused to believe that she would deliberately destroy the reputation of a fellow officer in such a manner. Both women had worked hard to reach their current positions. They had fought against misogyny and prejudice and made a name for themselves based on their skills and dedication to the department. To use a personal attack like that to get ahead would undermine everything the other woman had accomplished so far, and Sharon was unable to accept that possibility.

While Andy saw her point, he also saw the naked ambition with which Davis went after that promotion. He understood the concept of female solidarity, especially in such a male-dominated field, and he hated to think that someone inside the LAPD would be capable of something so disgusting. However, his years of experience dealing with the scumbags of Los Angeles had shown him that some things were stronger than solidarity and honor. Sharon might not consider Deputy Chief Davis a suspect, but he was not prepared to discount her quite yet, even if he was still trying to figure out how she could have pulled it off.

They needed a break, something they could follow up on, but when it finally came several days after the last publication, everyone hoped it had not. Mike was the first to see it. The alert he had set up to notify him of any other possible leaks had pinged just as they were about to leave for the day. The headline announcing a video had him swallow hard, an uneasy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. He clicked the link after making sure that the volume on his computer was turned all the way down.

It was the same website as before. Right underneath the headline he ignored, the promised video started playing unprompted. It only took him a second to realize the nature of the captured scene, confirming the suspicion he'd had a moment earlier. With lightning speed, he made the window disappear and backed his chair away from his desk, eyes wide and heart pounding in his chest. Just when he thought that it could not get worse… Then it occurred to him that he would have to alert the others to what he had found, and he began to feel nauseous all of a sudden.

He was still gaping at his screen when Julio asked him what was wrong before he got up to join him, Amy, Provenza, and Buzz following his lead. They were huddled around Mike's desk, debating how to proceed since someone would have to tell the Captain and Andy, and someone would have to watch the tape in order to see if there was anything they could use to get on in their investigation. There were no volunteers for either.

After a few minutes of fruitless conversation, it was Provenza who finally reopened the minimized window, annoyed by their lack of progress. "It can't be that bad. It's the Captain we're talking about, after all," he grumbled, ignoring Mike's strangled whimper next to him.

It was worse. Since Tao had initially clicked the window away, the video had progressed quite a bit in the background. What awaited them when they resumed watching was shocking to say the least.

When Sharon entered the Murder Room with her fresh, steaming cup of tea, she saw part of her team huddled around Mike's computer and decided to join them, thinking that they might have found a lead. She was still uneasy being around them, embarrassed about what they had seen, but if she wanted to keep doing her job well, she would have to get over herself.

Much later, she would realize why they all had seemed frozen when she approached. At that moment, however, there was merely shock. It took her a second to understand what she was seeing, but then it hit her with such force that she could no longer breathe. The cup slipped out of her numb hands and crashed to the ground, splintering into tiny pieces, the hot beverage splashing all over the place. Bile rose in her throat, and dark spots danced in front of her eyes. She swayed on her feet as the room started spinning. Blindly reaching out, a sweaty hand landed on the back of Mike's chair, holding onto it as if it were a lifeline.

The sound of shattering porcelain had startled Mike out of his frozen state, and he had closed the video immediately, to everyone's relief, but Sharon still saw the two bodies moving together, their bare limbs wrapped around one another in the most intimate embrace. It was a nightmare, one from which she would never wake up.

The Captain had gone deathly pale, and Amy was not sure if she was even breathing. That was not how they had wanted to tell her - not that they had gotten as far as planning that step. While Amy was a little surprised to find out that her commanding officer had a rather adventurous side when it came to sex, she did not think much of it. She definitely could have done without seeing it, and she would never say it to anyone, but she secretly congratulated the other woman on knowing how to have a good time. What made her angry was the fact that someone had taken an intimate moment like that and made it public. No one should care about what others did in the privacy of their bedrooms. To use such a precious thing and turn it into something dirty by splashing it all over the Internet was absolutely disgusting. Whoever did this, they had better pray that none of their team get their hands on them.

When the Captain started swaying, looking as if she would faint any second, Amy reached out, placing a gentle hand on her back in an attempt to guide her away from the others. The reaction was instant. The older woman almost jumped back, shrugging off the unexpected touch, her eyes wide, shining with tears. She spun away from them, her excuse me a barely audible, breathless whisper, as she dashed into her office, closing the door behind her and drawing the blinds.

No one dared to speak. What was there to say, anyway? The woman they all admired and considered a friend had been publicly humiliated, and it was killing her. Amy felt rage bubble up inside her, and she was able to see it in the tension of Julio's shoulders, the twitching of his jaw muscles, and the way his hands were curled into fists at his side. Buzz closed his eyes and lowered his head, but not before she had seen his suspiciously red eyes. He was not crying, and Amy knew that he wouldn't, but the situation was getting to him. The two lieutenants were slightly better at hiding their emotions, but they were still visibly affected.

That was the scene Andy walked in on, two cups of coffee in hand. He'd had to wait for a fresh pot to brew as neither he nor his partner would want to drink the lukewarm dregs that had been left over from the last one. He had sent Sharon ahead with her tea to keep the others from teasing them about the reasons they were gone so long. Although they did not do that much anymore.

Andy was too focused on not spilling any of the precious coffee to notice what was going on until he set both cups on Provenza's desk. He frowned at his colleagues where they still stared at Sharon's closed office door. That and the fact that the blinds were drawn gave him a pretty good idea that something happened while he had been gone.

"What's going on?"

The others exchanged glances for a moment, silently trying to decide who would tell him. Only Buzz refused to look at him, his eyes fixed on a spot on the floor. That was when Andy noticed the broken cup and the spilled tea, and he felt his stomach drop.

Provenza wanted to speak, but he could not figure out how to say it. Something about seeing his best friend and his captain doing unspeakable things together had rendered him speechless. The old man threw a helpless look at Tao, relieved when the other man cleared his throat and, placing a hand on Flynn's shoulder, started to tell him what had happened.

"There was another leak," Mike began, his voice calm and quiet, his eyes on the other man to gauge his reaction. "It's a video this time. It's..." Taking a deep breath, he took a second to find the right words before he continued. "It's very explicit."

Andy swallowed hard when the meaning of what Mike had told him sank in. "Son of a..." he turned away from the others, the fingers of both hands raking through his hair, his nails digging into his scalp as he stared at the window to Sharon's office.

"Did she see it?"

The question was unnecessary, the fact that she was not in the murder room indication enough, but he had to know exactly what they were dealing with.

"Yes," was Tao's simple reply.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Andy glanced up at the ceiling and took several deep breaths, trying to figure out what to do next. He knew that someone would have to watch whatever it was that had been published, and he knew that it would ultimately be his job. From the reactions of his team mates, it had to be really bad, and he did not want them to see any more of it than they already had. He was pretty sure that they all agreed on that. And if he could spare Sharon the embarrassment of going through the video, he would happily do it.

"Okay," he began, facing his colleagues once again. "I'm going to take Sharon home. Mike, can you put the damn thing on a flash drive for me? I'll go through it later. That's not something I want to do here."

Mike nodded and went back to his desk right away, starting to do what Flynn had asked.

"Provenza, can you see if there's some way to make them take the video down? Maybe we can contain this before it goes any farther."

Andy knew that it was unlikely, but they had to try. His partner pursed his lips, thinking about their options for a moment.

"Yes, we'll get on that. Maybe we can get Gavin to help us. I'm sure the Captain would be more comfortable with him handling this than someone from the City Attorney's office. Besides, he's the best damn lawyer I know."

Gavin was one of Sharon's best friends, and they all knew that he would do everything he possibly could for her. It certainly beat having to deal with the likes of Gloria Lim.

"Yeah, give him a call. Can't hurt to ask," Andy agreed.

When Mike handed him a small flash drive, he took a deep, steadying breath and closed his eyes for a second. "I'm gonna go and..." He gestured towards Sharon's office, and at his friend's nod, he walked away, picking up his keys and jacket from his desk before he entered her sanctuary without knocking.

Sharon stood at her window, her back turned towards him, her hands braced on the window sill. She did not look outside. Her head was lowered and her shoulders hunched. He paused a moment to think about how to approach her, trying to read her state of mind off her posture. Her shoulders rose and fell as she drew deep breaths, too deep to be calming. She was gulping down air, but it did not seem to bring any relief.

Stepping around the desk, he joined her at the window, quietly standing beside her, their shoulders almost touching. For a little while, he was not sure if she had even noticed his presence. She did not acknowledge him at all. Then she turned her head towards him and simply stared at him. Andy had never seen her look that helpless and vulnerable. Those were not words he would ever associate with her.

To witness her struggle made him feel lost. He wanted to help her, to keep her from falling apart, but he was afraid to make it even worse. He gently placed his hand on her upper arm, guiding her away from the window. She trembled at his touch, her eyes closing for a second as she drew another deep breath.

"Let's get you out of here," he said, grabbing her purse and jacket before he led her out of the back door and along the back hallway, circumventing the murder room.

She was tense, shivering occasionally against the hand that rested at the small of her back. She was barely holding it together, her eyes fixed on the floor right in front of her. Andy prayed that they would not run into anyone that would want to talk to them. He knew that she would keep her composure; she had managed to do so through much worse, but he hoped that her strength would not be tested any more at that moment.

He breathed a little easier once they had reached his car, knowing that the vehicle at least offered a little privacy. As he handed Sharon her purse after she settled in the passenger seat, she hugged it to her chest, holding onto it as if it helped her contain her emotions.

She did not speak the entire way home, staring out of the window, not once loosening her grip on her handbag. Whenever he stopped at a red light, Andy threw a cautious glance at her, growing more and more concerned by her silence and tension.

He was expecting it, but it still stung a little when he guided her into the condo and she immediately shrugged off the hands he had placed on her shoulders from behind. Without a word, she rushed around the corner and disappeared into their bedroom. He put away their jackets, took off his gun, badge and handcuffs, and retrieved Sharon's purse from where she had dropped it in the foyer. He took his time taking off his shoes and placing them into the hallway closet, giving Sharon a minute to herself before he slowly followed her.

She was no longer in the bedroom, but Andy was able to follow a trail of discarded clothes, haphazardly dropped to the ground all the way into the bathroom. The door was slightly ajar, and he was able to hear the shower. He hesitated for a moment, debating what to do, before he sighed and undressed as well, his own clothes placed neatly over the back of a chair.

It was not the first time that he had witnessed this, although it happened rarely. Sharon did not allow herself to cry in front of other people if she was at all able to avoid it. Her tears belonged in the shower. That was her safe space, the only space she was able to let her guard down. She had once told him that it was something that had started when her children were little and her problems with Jack had begun to grow worse. She had not wanted the kids to see or hear her cry, to witness how much their father was breaking her heart. The shower disguised her tears and drowned out the sound of her sobs.

Since he moved in, it had only happened a few times as far as he knew. The first time was after Taylor's death and her struggle with shooting Dwight Darnell. More recently, she had excused herself during his latest health scare. She'd had a couple of bad weeks over that, even after he had been released from the hospital.

His usual strategy in those cases was to let her find her emotional release in peace and wait for her to come to him. He would have a cup of tea and her favorite blanket waiting in the living room. When she finally joined him on the sofa, he would wrap his arms around her, cover her with the blanket, and hold her until she was ready to talk.

This time, however, he was unable to leave her to herself. He had never seen her so fragile, so close to shattering, and it worried him sick.

She stood in the shower, bent over slightly as she scrubbed at her legs with a brush, the water beating down on her. Andy stepped into the shower with her, quietly saying her name, careful not to startle her. He closed the door behind him, something Sharon had obviously been too distracted to do. He would deal with the slightly flooded floor later.

When he reached out to touch her arm, Sharon jumped back, her back pressed against the wall, pushing at him to keep him away from her.

-0-0-0-0-

She was unable to breathe. A heavy weight was pressing down on her chest, almost crushing her. Her heart beat too fast, the rapid rushing of blood in her ears almost deafening. She was dizzy, her head spinning with thoughts and images, with fragmented memories of a time long past. Her eyes burned with tears she could not allow to escape, yet.

Her feet carried her into the condo and down the hallway to the bedroom, while her hands clawed at the layers of clothes that covered her, tearing them off as she went. Her throat closed up, and she thought she would suffocate. Blindly reaching out, she braced herself on the walls, the doorframe, stumbling into the bench at the end of the bed. There was only one clear thought on her mind, one goal she was able to hold onto in the sea of chaos. She needed a shower.

When the scalding water beat down on her, she barely registered the pain, but finally, the tears came. There were no sobs, no wailing, only silent tears washed away by the hot water. She reached for the brush that sat on the shelf inside the shower and vigorously scrubbed her already reddened skin. The pain was a welcome distraction, something she was able to control. She scrubbed and cried, her arms, her chest, her stomach, every square inch of skin she was able to reach. There was no rational thought behind her need for this painful ritual. It simply needed to happen. All the shame and the guilt that clung to her had to be washed away.

She did not hear him step into the shower. It was his light touch on her arm that startled her, and she jumped away from him, dropping the brush as she pushed at his chest to keep him at a distance. The claustrophobia that had hung over her like a dark shadow ever since she had looked at Mike's computer screen suddenly descended on her, knocking the last breath out of her.

Her back pressed against the cold tiles of the shower, Sharon held out her hands in front of her in an attempt to keep Andy from touching her. He was too close, taking away the air she so desperately needed. She wished that she could vanish, hide away from the reality of their situation, from the embarrassment, the indignity of having something as precious as their relationship dragged into the harsh light of public scrutiny.

In all the years of being the butt of many a joke within the department, of people mocking her for her love of the rules, her single-minded approach to upholding proper procedures, she had never felt this exposed, this vulnerable. She had never thought it possible for anything to break her so thoroughly. Her husband had surely tried, but he had not managed to penetrate her walls quite like this. The fight for Rusty's safety and the fear she had felt when she had almost lost him was the closest she had come to falling apart in this manner, but she had prevailed. There had been things for her to do, her son to be taken care of.

Now, she had nothing to focus on. There was the investigation into who had distributed the incriminating material, but shame and fear of how people would view her in light of the most recent revelations were overwhelming, paralyzing her in a way she had never thought possible. She did not see how she would be able to ever walk into LAPD headquarters again, let alone be a productive part of an investigation. The mere thought of facing her team after what they had seen made her stomach turn. She simply saw no way out of the downward spiral her life had taken in the last couple of weeks.

Andy was shocked to see her that way. She was incoherent with panic, her body language telling him to back off, but her wide eyes begging for something else. For what, he did not know, and he was unsure if she herself did. All he knew was that she was breaking apart right in front of him, and it was his fault. He had done this to her, and he had to find a way to make it better, to help her put the pieces back together if that was at all possible.

Approaching her slowly, he carefully reached out for her, his hands wrapping around her outstretched ones, clutching them in his warm grasp. He held on to her like that for a few seconds until her fingers curled around his. Then he tugged her closer, relieved when she stepped into his embrace after only a moment's hesitation. Her arms went around him, nails digging into his back. He paid no attention to the pain, his sole focus on her shivering body that was pressed against his, and the single, soft whimper that was the only sound she made when she buried her face into his neck.

She clung to him, desperate to anchor herself to something solid while her world spun out of control, and he held onto her just as fiercely. For a long while, they stood under the steady flow of water. With every breath she took, his comforting scent filled her nostrils and her lungs expanded more and more willingly. It still felt as if a heavy weight was pressing down on her chest, and the oppressive sense of the walls closing in on her was still very much there, but for a short moment, she found a reprieve in Andy's arms.

It took a while for her to register the words he mumbled into her hair over and over again, and she reluctantly leaned back a little so that she was able to look at him. His I'm so sorry still echoed inside her head when she met his gaze. If his words had confused her, his expression felt like a slap in the face, waking her up to the fact that she had been so focused on what the situation meant for her that she had forgotten to think about how it would affect him.

She brought her hands up to cup his face, keeping him from avoiding her gaze. Blindly reaching out to the side, she turned off the water before she replaced her hand once again, searching his eyes for what he had not yet given voice to. Whatever she had felt before, the feeling of having her entire life torn apart around her was suddenly secondary to the guilt she saw in Andy's gaze.

"Andy," she whispered breathlessly, "what on earth are you apologizing for?"

Knowing him as well as she did, Sharon had a pretty good idea, but she needed him to say it. She had to be sure.

His eyes widened slightly as if he did not understand why she had to ask. He opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again right away, looking around them with a frown.

"Not here," was all he said, before he stepped out of the shower and tugged her with him. He retrieved a towel from the shelf, handing it to her before he got another one for himself, and they dried off in silence, their movements quick and efficient.

Once Sharon had wrapped her hair into a turban, she stepped around Andy to reach for her robe, making room for him to take his own off the hook behind the bedroom door.

They sat down on the edge of the bed, Andy staring at the floor between his feet and Sharon angled slightly towards him so she could study his expression. She let her hand gently trail along his arm until she could clasp his hand, squeezing it slightly to nudge him into talking.

Andy sighed. It was hard to make sense of all the things that were going through his head, and even harder to put them into words. How did you tell someone that the best thing that ever happened to you was a mistake?

"This is all my fault," he finally blurted out, casting a quick glance at her before focusing on the slightly frayed carpet in front of him again. He felt her sit up next to him, straightening her shoulders in preparation for battle. It almost made him smile.

Her tone was calm, her words carefully measured, and the side of his face burned under the intensity of her stare.

"And how exactly is all of this your fault?"

If he had not been so fixated on his own feelings at that moment, Andy would have congratulated himself for drawing Sharon out of the darkness she had been stuck in, but he was too far gone into the abyss of his own mind to notice.

"How is it not? After that first time, you told me that it couldn't happen again, but I didn't listen. I wouldn't leave you alone. I let myself become as addicted to you as I was to the alcohol, and I let you get caught up in that mess. I was never any good for you. Sandra keeps saying that I'm great at ruining people's lives, and she's right. I selfishly held onto you when I should have let you go, and for a little while I thought that I'd gotten away with it, but I haven't, and now you're hurting because I was too weak to do what's right."

Andy stood up and walked over to the window, bracing one of his hands against the wall beside it, the other one rubbing the back of his neck. Sharon stared after him, momentarily speechless. She was no stranger to his capacity for guilt. It was a result of his recovery, of learning to own up to his mistakes. While that was something she appreciated, especially considering that the father of her children had never quite conquered that part of the program, she was also aware that Andy occasionally placed entirely too much blame on his own shoulders. A lot of the things that had gone wrong in his past, in his previous marriage and his relationship with Nicole and Charlie, were a result of his choices, but that did not mean that others were completely innocent. It always took two people to ruin a relationship, just as it took two people to start one.

"I should walk away right now, give you a chance to salvage your reputation, but I don't know how to do that now any more than I did twenty-four years ago." His voice was quiet, breaking under the weight of his emotions.

Sharon was on her feet before he had even finished speaking, closing the distance between them in a few quick strides. She took hold of his arm and turned him around to face her. Anger was bubbling up inside her, pushing away everything else she'd had on her mind. It was not Andy she was angry with, however. It was the situation they found themselves in and whoever had created it. She was also furious at herself for being too self-involved to notice how much he was beating himself up over this, but that was something she would have to deal with at a later time.

"No," she objected in a clear and resolute tone. "You will not turn your back on this relationship, and you will not take the blame for something that is not your fault."

She stared at him, her eyes narrowed as she waited for any sign that he understood her words. He did not respond, but he also did not look away, so she went on, her free hand landing on his chest right over his heart.

"Andy, I realize that our relationship did not begin in the most proper way, but our past is what led us to this point. It is what shaped us into the people we are. Whoever is dragging our past into the spotlight, we will find them, and we will put a stop to this. No matter what happens or what the consequences of that person's actions will be for us, I will not regret one single moment with you. Maybe I should feel guilty for having been unfaithful over the years of my marriage, and I do, but I would not trade away a single minute of our time together."

Rising to the tips of her toes, Sharon brushed his lips with hers in a gentle, lingering kiss, closing her eyes when she finally felt him relax against her. His arms slipped around her and he drew her close, holding onto her like a drowning man to a raft. They stood like that for a long moment, her head resting against his chest and his face buried in her hair.

The longer their embrace lasted, the stronger Sharon's resolve got. She was still extremely mortified at the thought of what her colleagues and god knows who else had seen, and she still wished that they did not have to face the situation at all, but she no longer felt the paralyzing helplessness of before.

Tomorrow, they would return to work and find the person that was turning their lives upside down. Before that, they would have to go through the video to see if it gave them any leads, but that could wait a little while. For the moment, they would linger in the sanctuary of their bedroom, enjoying their quiet togetherness, and finding strength in each other's company.

That was what their relationship was. It was a source of strength, and comfort, and love, and no one would be able to take that away from them as long as they held onto one another.

~TBC~