Landfall

…

When she had first slipped into Kip's enclosed basketball court, Kensi couldn't help but be impressed with the expansive room and the shiny hardwood floor that light reflected the few over-head lights that were on. While most of the room was still shrouded in shadow, there was a small area at the other end of the room that was lit and it just happened to be the area which she was looking for. Primarily, it was because the man that was making some really impressive shots from behind the three point line.

Kensi had slid the door silently closed behind her and stepped into a small alcove that would shield her even more in the darkness as she watched Deeks dribble the ball before making another eye catching shot. The way his body moved was almost fluid, like his mind was in perfect sync with his bones and muscles. Each movement was intentional, no wasted or extra energy spent doing something that would be a useless expenditure of effort or will. If she had been impressed by the expensive structure that her boyfriend was shooting hoops in, that paled in comparison to the man himself and his seemingly plentiful talent with the orange ball in his hands. With all the pick-up games that she and the team had played back in the Mission's gym, she was surprised that Deeks had kept this secret all to himself; impressing Callen and Sam on the court would have gone a long way into getting on their good side.

But maybe, the reasons for his keeping it all hidden ran deeper than the fact that she knew he didn't like to show off in front of others. It wasn't a weakness, but the strength to hold himself back, when he could have easily cleaned the floor against either of them … or even against them both.

As that fact tumbled around in her mind, she came to a sudden realization about the man that she loved. While he was the best partner she could have ever asked for and was the bravest man she would ever meet … he had a tender and fragile soul. It was displayed whenever a case involved kids, animals, or someone who had simply run out of hope. That came from a life on the bottom, where pain and hurt were a part of everyday life … that's what built that type of empathy and care. He hadn't told her all of his secrets, but she knew deep down, that some of them were scary and dark, nightmares within horror, places that hid demons and scars.

As the past week played over in her mind, Kensi felt the sting of unshed tears in the corners of her eyes, and her heart ache at the place she found herself. How could such a loving and tender man ever love her enough to put up with all the crap that she dished out? What had possessed her to act like a slightly hormonal teenaged girl around Special Agent DiNozzo? Was Deeks right to accuse her of using the man's visit as an opportunity to strike back because of the previous flirtations of a certain dark-haired DEA agent? And what on God' green earth had motivated her to mention the 'still a cop' tag line? Of all the things that she'd said and done, she knew that one was the one that had hurt Deeks the most … and she had no idea why the words had slipped from her lips.

Regret and shame burst in her chest, causing her heart to ache even more at her callous statements and making her eyes prickle with unshed tears. As she watched her partner charge the goal, Kensi held her breath as she watched his feet leave the floor as his strong legs pushed him high into the air. He appeared to almost float effortlessly for a second before slamming the ball through the hoop, the backboard shaking violently with the release of energy. Then she watched him hang there, suspended by his lean, muscular arms while the ball bounced away to the edge of the court.

As she watched him, Kensi wondered what he was thinking about and if it concerned her actions that had driven him this night. He'd come here to sulk or rage, she really wasn't sure at the moment as his ball shooting hadn't revealed anything yet. His choice to go somewhere other than the home that they were almost sharing completely had hurt … but she also knew that when something was bothering him, he needed to work it out on his own sometimes. And this time he'd chosen to go somewhere else … away from her. Kensi sadly thought that if he'd know she might show up here, he probably wouldn't have shared it with her in his one and only text of the evening.

When his feet hit the floor, Kensi was already moving, stepping out onto the polished wood floor as Deeks moved to chase down the basketball. She didn't really think it out before she began clapping, his impressive physical display of ball handling drawing out her admiration that she rarely shared with him, even when he did something that totally blew her away. Again, the cold hand of regret gripped her heart and she silently vowed to do better than she had in the past.

Deeks' head had shot up at the sound of her hands slapping together and for a brief moment, he looked happy to see her … then his face fell, her name falling from his lips in forlorn acceptance.

"Kens."

She wasn't sure if he'd meant it as a question or a sad statement, but it didn't deter her from taking several more steps toward him as he slowly scooped the ball up into his hands. His eyes were now dodging hers, looking from the floor to the ball and back to the floor again. Kensi was thankful that he, at least, hadn't turned and bolted from the room the moment he saw her.

When she finally stopped, all the words and phrases that she'd wanted to say evaporated from her mind and Kensi could only stand there, silently hoping to wake up from the nightmare that this day had become. After several silent seconds, her mouth decided to start working again but her thoughts were still too confused to make any coherent thoughts, so she just tried to stay in the trivial realm for the time being.

"Ummm … that was some pretty fancy shooting there, partner." Did she really just say that? Way to go Kensi, you sound like a teenaged girl trying to talk to the captain of the basketball team.

For some reason, Deeks decided to let any teasing slide away, deferring to self-depreciation as was his usual tendency. "Nah … you just caught me on a good night."

Kensi recognized his effort to deflect her compliment and she wondered how often he'd done that before without her noticing or saying anything about it. "Don't do that Deeks …"

The blonde shrugged his shoulders, pulling a little innocent boy expression onto his face. "Don't do what?"

"Sell yourself short like that." The moment the words left her lips, Kensi saw the trap that she had unwittingly walked right into. He does that because that's how I've conditioned him to respond. Even while dating, I still rarely defend him when the boys are picking on him … sometimes I still join in … and when Special Agent DiNozzo drops by, I just …

Deeks can see her tensing, preparing for his rebuttal of her comment and he decides to tempt fate, tossing the ball into the air to catch it when it falls to chest high. "It's what I do Kensi."

"But you shouldn't."

He really wasn't in the mood for the conversation, especially since she dropped by and interrupted his session where he was trying to collect his thoughts. The day had been one big suckfest and if they were to work this out, he needed some time to cool down. By showing up, Kensi had denied him the reprieve that he needed to sort out his feelings.

It ticked him off a little.

"What are you doing here Kensi?"

Kensi tucked her hands into the pockets on the front of her jeans, forcing them deep into the denim to hide the quiver in them that had suddenly appeared. She could sense the anger radiated from him as if he was a furnace and she was standing a little too close. But she'd made this mess and backing away wasn't something that she was willing to do.

Swallowing the lump in her throat and looking up to catch his eyes, Kensi braced herself for the tumult she knew was coming. "I had to make sure that you … that we … are okay."

Her heart sank when he dropped his eyes from her, his head shaking from side to side. "No, Kens … I don't think we are."

It felt as if her insides were filled with cold lead as the weight of her partner's words settled into her very bones. Usually, he was the jovial one, always finding hope where none existed and his cold tone made her soul ache for better days. There had been so many dark times when she felt lost or directionless and with a simple smile or off-color remark, Deeks had always pulled her from the pit of despair.

The man now standing before her was different and his typical humor was absent. This Deeks was wounded and hurting … and for the life of her, Kensi was completely lost as how to rectify the pain she had inflicted on him through her careless words and actions.

"Deeks … babe … I'm sor-"

His blue eyes cut to her mismatched ones and the icy fire she saw there stopped her words cold in her mouth.

"Don't say you're sorry … I'm getting tired of hearing it."

And he meant it, she could tell. It felt like there was a wall between them that she couldn't see but it was as if they weren't standing just a few feet apart; there were miles separating them.

"What … what do you want me to say?"

Deeks let the air rush from his lungs in one long sigh, his insides tangled in one huge Gordian knot and his heart felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest. Indeed, what did he want? More words? More platitudes and apologies?

No. What he wanted … what he needed … was an explanation.

"I just … why Kensi?"

It was the question that she had been dreading ever since the words had left her mouth, ever since she had been overly friendly with the agent from DC … ever since she hurt the man she claims to love. It hadn't caught her off guard, but her first reaction was to put her shields up.

"I … I don't … I don't really know."

Deeks' response was immediate and sharp.

"Bullshit!" He waited until she looked back up at him before he continued, his next words more calm and gentle. "I call bullshit, Kens … you know, you just don't want to tell me."

Kensi felt a stirring of anger at his presumption that he knew what she was thinking or feeling while she was treating him the way she had. Retreating back within herself, she folded her arms across her chest in her typical method of closing herself off. Some part of her had secretly hoped that by simply showing up, she could erase the hurt that she had caused, that her lover would see that the one that she wanted was him. That dream was now dashed and they were going to have to wrestle their way through this mess. A few simple words weren't the balm that she had wanted them to be, Deeks wasn't going to let it all slide so easily.

After a few more moments of silence, Kensi watched Deeks' countenance fall and she felt another part of her heart break as she feared that the next words from his mouth would be "Good-bye". Feeling the familiar sting of tears in her eyes, she swallowed hard, but before she could utter a sound, the man standing across from her spoke, and she could only wait with baited breath.

"When I was in high school, there was this girl that I was crazy about …" Deeks wasn't sure why this story had popped into his head and why he was sharing it now or if it would do any good. But he figured that if Kensi wasn't ready to share the 'why' behind her actions, maybe he could share why he was hurting so badly.

"… God, she was gorgeous …" He started bouncing the ball between his feet as he spoke, the memory playing out in his mind from all those years before. " … sweet, funny … way out of my league."

Kensi's heart clenched in her chest … she'd heard those words before and they had hurt then as well.

Deeks didn't notice the shift in Kensi's demeanor; he was concentrating on the story and the ball as he dribbled it on the floor. "We started out as lab partners … became friends … then I made the mistake of falling head over heels for her. She had blue eyes and jet black hair … made me dream of dates and dances … holding hands and kissing on the beach."

Kensi knew about some of his teenage years but they only concerned Ray and Nicole, this mystery girl was exactly that, a mystery. It suddenly dawned on her how little that they still didn't know about each other: first crushes, first dates … first kisses. Before her stood the man she couldn't see her future without and he was now sharing something from his past that somehow applied to their current and broken situation.

"But … sadly … that's all it would ever really be … a dream." Deeks caught the ball on its last bounce and slowly spun it in his hands. "We did go out a few times, but it was only as friends … no kiss … no hand holding … but I had wanted it all so bad, I could almost taste it."

"Deeks, why are you sharing this with me … now?"

The blonde detective didn't respond, he only continued like he hadn't heard her. Maybe he hadn't.

"She just kept me hanging on, gave me little hints that maybe if I waited a little longer or tried a little harder … she would love me back. There were days when she would let me carry her books or she would wear my jacket … touch my arm … send me a little smile that made it hard for me to breath …" The words were wistful and sad, like he'd been tempted with something so precious, only to have it yanked away at the last moment. "I tried to push her for more but she always shot me down … said she wasn't ready to go steady or even to really have a boyfriend. So I gave her space and waited for the next time when she would start showing some type of affection toward me. And like a fool … I would always think that this was the moment when she was finally going to let me in all the way."

"There was this one time, I guess we were about sixteen … when I thought if I asked her one more time, she would finally say 'yes'." Deeks shook his head sadly, letting out a small grunt before he continued. "But, again, she turned me down … told me that she didn't want a boyfriend, that she had too much on her plate and it wouldn't be fair." With sad, tired eyes, Deeks looked over at Kensi, and she felt the pain he had suffered all those long years ago. He blinked once and turned his eyes back to the floor, finding it hard to hold eye contact with her for more than a second or two.

"The next week, she went off to band camp … she played the flute … and I wrote her every day that she was gone. I never mailed them … never even gave them to her … I respected what she'd said about not wanting a relationship." The last words caused a shadow to pass over his eyes, clouding the Pacific blue for a moment or two before Deeks could shake it off. He rolled his head back, his sweat soaked hair dropping to his shoulders as he released a deep and mirthless chuckled.

"I was waiting in the school parking lot when the buses pulled in and I finally saw her through the windows … and for a few seconds, it was like I could breathe again …" Deeks' entire demeanor shifted, his shoulders rolled back and the muscles in his arms tensed. "… but when she got off … she was holding hands with the Bus Director's son, Danny. They giggled and cuddled the entire time they were unloading their bags and equipment … and all I could do was stand there like a moron while the girl I was crazy about gushed all over her new boyfriend."

Even though it had been years ago, Kensi could tell that particular moment in her lover's life had left an imprint on his heart, one that she had inadvertently trampled on and awoken. "Deeks … Marty … I would never do that to you … I'm with you … and that's where I want to be."

He was shaking his head even before she had finished speaking and Kensi was about to protest when he cut her off. "Yes, you're with me now … but what about when someone better comes along?"

"What?!" She couldn't believe her ears.

Deeks' locked his eyes with hers and Kensi could see the doubt and fear etched in his sad gaze. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just the guy you've settled with … the one who's just holding the place for someone else whose better looking, got more money … has more to offer you than a cop's salary and a mangy dog that stinks up the couch."

Kensi's heart broke in her chest at his wretched confession and the tears that had stopped, returned with a vengeance. "Oh … God … babe … I would never … "

Deeks' hurt expression shifted to one of anger. "But that's how you make me feel!" It was a roar, born of both frustration and uncertainty. He took several deep breaths as he tried valiantly to regain what little composure he had left, but it only seemed to drain his strength even more and when he finally spoke, he sounded exhausted. "Sometimes … sometimes you make me feel just that girl did … give me just enough to keep me around until the kid whose dad bought him a Porsche shows up … and then you'll cut me lose and move on."

It was getting hard for Kensi to breathe and she knew that her harmless little flirting with Agent DiNozzo had been anything but harmless. The man that she claimed to love was standing right in front of her looking completely lost and alone, her own actions bringing him to this low state. Her mind was fixed on the agent from DC when Deeks stared talking again, his words slamming into her heart as if he was punching her, the truth of them hurting more than fists ever could.

"You don't think I see how you change your hair when you know Kip's going to be around? How your shirts are just a little more low cut?" Deeks wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes locked on some point over her shoulder, and he was speaking in such low tones that she had to strain slightly in order to hear his words.

"You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met Kensi … and you could have any man on this planet by simply looking at them … and I just wonder how long it will be before you realize that … and you walk out of my life."

…