Pandora

"You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met Kensi … and you could have any man on this planet by simply looking at them … and I just wonder how long it will be before you realize that … and you walk out of my life."

As the words from her lover's lips passed over and through her, Kensi felt as if her very soul had been plucked like a chord on a guitar, the vibrations shaking her to her core. To hear that he actually believed that he wasn't good enough for her, hurt more than anything she thought she would be able to bear and the familiar prick of tears stung the corners of her already burning eyes. She brought a hand up to cover her mouth, in case the pain overwhelmed her and the sobs couldn't be held at bay any longer.

His eyes were still cast somewhere other than at her and she could see the amount of effort he was exerting in maintaining the avoidance. It pained her to know that this was because of something that she had done, whether deliberately or not, she had hurt the kindest man she had ever met. For all of his cocky and devil-may-care attitude, deep on the inside Martin Deeks was a man who felt that he would never be enough to deserve the love a woman like Kensi, and she was heart sick for it. She had known him for years … years … and she had somehow failed to show him that he was so much more than how he saw himself.

Before the seconds grew long enough for him to believe that maybe he was right, Kensi swallowed the burning lump in her throat and took one tentative step toward him. Part of her was relieved that he didn't back away, but another part feared that maybe he had simply resigned himself that his conclusions were correct and whatever they had was about to fade into nothing. She took a moment to clear her throat, not wanting anything to hinder the next words that she hoped would not drive the wedge even further between them.

"You're right."

When she saw his shoulders slump and his chin drop to his chest, Kensi moved quickly to dispel the tragic thoughts that had to begin playing through his mind.

"No! No … not about walking out of your life, babe … never that." With the back of her hand, Kensi wiped the tears that were staining her cheeks which only made room for more. Even though she was standing on the solid flooring of Kip's indoor basketball court, she felt as if she was standing on the edge of some great precipice, sudden doom mere inches away, depending on which path she trod. Knowing that poor communication was one of her strongest weaknesses, Kensi decided that there was no room for metaphors or subtle imagery, only the straight truth would suffice.

"I'm sorry, Deeks … I'm … I'm so … so sorry. I hurt you, and I know that saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't mean much at this point … but I am. From the bottom of my heart, babe … I am." Kensi felt a small flare of hope as Deeks made no move or sound, other than a couple of soft sniffles as he wiped away a few tears of his own.

"Yeah, Kens … ya did." She wasn't sure but Kensi thought that was the first time he'd used her shortened name since they began their little talk, but the tender inflection he used tore at her bleeding heart even more. "And for the life of me … I can't figure out why?"

"You and me both." She hadn't intended for her reply to come out so quickly and possibly sound flippant, but Deeks' soft chuckle reinforced her belief that he had not given up on them. She took a deep breath, swallowing her pride and knowing that he had been honest with her even though it had hurt to do so, decided that she would do the same for him. "Actions always have motives and … what motivated me to act this way … well … I'm not sure …"

Kensi saw Deeks begin to tense as if he thought she was blowing off his concerns, but she cut him off to save any misunderstanding. "Wait … I'm not saying that you're wrong to be angry with me and that the way I treated you today wasn't horrible, it was … I'm just trying to figure this out so that I don't hurt you any more than I already have."

Deeks took a moment, testing her words and tone, letting their shared past and affection set his mind at ease as to her sincerity. "Okay … take your time."

If they were not at such an impasse, Kensi would have run over and kissed him until his socks fell off. Instead, she curled her arms around her center, hugging tight until the tremors subsided and her chaotic thoughts coalesced into something more tangible than simple pain and hurt. She found a neutral spot on the floor a few inches in front of his shoes and began to follow the edge of the hardwood plank with her eyes, focusing on something inanimate that would not distract her. Taking a deep breath she began, knowing that the truth about to come from her would hurt, but it would be the only way to bring healing to the wound she had caused.

"I let it go too far with Agent DiNozzo … I did … and it wasn't over something like trying to get even for you over Talia or Catalina." She glanced up to make sure he was still there, that he hadn't turned to leave after her admission that she had indeed been flirting with the agent from DC. Kensi had to hold herself in check when she only found him looking back at her with sad eyes, the urge to run to him almost overwhelming. "But you must know … please know … that once I realized that I was hurting you, I regretted it. I can't take it back … I can't erase what I did, but maybe I can explain the 'why' behind it all. That is, if you want to listen, if you still want to try and save this … save us?"

Deeks was torn. Part of him wanted to scream at her for what she had admitted to doing, rail against her for trying to charm another man while she was supposed to be his … but his heart ached to recapture what they were merely a day ago and put this entire mess behind them. It would be a relief if they returned to what they had or realized that what they had wasn't strong enough to last. Either way, they could move forward, together or apart, and begin to heal.

"Okay, Kens … I'm game." When his words reached her, Kensi thanked God in heaven for a man like her Deeks, that even though this would probably hurt and may mean that their future ended tonight, he respected her enough to let her speak from her heart. "Please, just tell me … was it … was it something that I did?"

This time the choked sob that tore up from her chest wouldn't be contained and Kensi let it out. "Oh, God … babe … no! Please … please believe me … you've done nothing wrong … nothing to deserve this." When he remained silent, only giving her a soft nod of his head to acknowledge that he understood, Kensi quickly wiped more tears away before continuing. Turning away toward the large pool that was visible through the glass windows, Kensi let her eyes dance along the lights surrounding the patios and benches, gathering her thoughts so that the words would come out right. She'd done enough damage already, and with so much riding on this, she could not afford another screw-up. After taking a deep breath that she let out slowly, she turned back to face the man who she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

"I've always had to be Bad-Ass-Blye … and with that, there comes a certain expectation. I had to fight for every inch of respect that I received in this world of big boys and their big boy guns." Kensi cleared her throat, choking back the burn from this confession that was long overdue. "I had to scratch and claw to be accepted, even by Callen and Sam … and I've had to do things that would make my father's black-ops look like a day on Sesame Street. Part of that … part of it has been to use … use this …" She gestured toward her body, shaking her head when she saw Deeks drop his gaze to the floor. "... both on the job and off, just to get my foot in the door."

Taking a small step toward her, Deeks' voice was a quiet whisper, choked by the anguish he could hear in her words. "Kens …"

She continued as if she hadn't heard him. "It was so constant that I … that I sometimes forgot to turn it off … it became a habit when I got around someone with power or that I felt I needed to impress." A shiver ran down her spine and even from several steps away, Deeks could see that she was barely holding it together. He was prepared when the break came, but it still stole his breath away.

"Dammit!" She took a shuddering breath and let her head fall back until she was looking up at the rafters. "Dammit." Her voice was getting weaker and softer. "The person I became could outshoot, out run, out fight … out seduce … any other agent in the OSP. Even Callen couldn't keep up … but I had to sell part of my soul to do it … to learn to live with it."

Deeks suddenly felt like his problem with what happened earlier in the day had opened a Pandora's box into the psyche of this woman who still held so many secrets; secrets he wondered if he truly wanted to hear.

"And that's how I've functioned for the past several years …" That's when her mismatched eyes found his. "... until I met you."

Deeks knew that the admission should have been one of those moments that could have been put into a Hallmark card, but it only brought another twist in the neverending knot in his stomach. He wanted to listen, but the anger and hurt had remained simmering under the surface and it threatened to bubble free. "I … I don't understand Kens. Are you saying that I have to put up with crap from Bad-Ass-Blye if I want to be with Kensi?"

"No, babe … no … what I'm saying is that I have no excuse for how I treated you today … I just … I just feel horrible that I have screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to me …" Her eyes were dark with regret when she looked up at him. "... and I've hurt the best man that I've ever known."

"What do you want me to say, Kens? I watched you flirt with another man while you are supposed to be with me … you belittle my being 'just a cop' ... how does any of this make those facts okay?" His heart was aching with her confession but it also still felt the sharp stab of betrayal.

"It doesn't make it okay! There's nothing that can!"

The blonde reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his eyes closing hard enough until he saw spots of white light through his eyelids. It was feeling like they were talking in circles, using lots of words without really getting anywhere. Maybe this was pointless. Maybe they were too different. Maybe this was the end. The end of them.

Taking a breath, he let it out slowly, trying to clear his head of Kensi's hurtful words from earlier, then she was speaking softly, in a tone that tugged at his bruised heart.

"Yeah, you're a cop … the best I've ever met and I don't think I've ever told you and, for that, I am ashamed." Her hand flicked across the corners of her eyes, clearing away the tears that continually stained her cheeks. "I've been around Sam for too long if I can belittle your profession … but honestly, I didn't mean it that way."

When she saw him spin to face her, confusion and disbelief in his eyes, she knew what he was going to say before his lips even moved. "How else was I supposed to take it?"

"I just sometimes get frustrated that you haven't become an agent … signed that paperwork that Hetty gave you."

Deeks confusion morphed into surprise. "You know about that?"

Kensi tried not to look like the cat who caught the canary. "I do now."

"Kens …"

Taking note of the edge of his tone, she took a step toward him, her hands up in a placating gesture. "No babe, I've known for quite some time the offer that she gave to you and your reasons for not accepting are your own … but there are times when I wonder why you haven't taken her up on it. Like maybe, it's a way to keep your options open … that maybe you aren't really in …"

Now it was his turn to throw up a hand to stop her. "You really want to know why?" At the slow nod of her head, he folded his arms across his chest, and gave her his best cocky smirk. "If you're sure …"

Kensi returned his smirk with a tender look from her mismatched eyes.

Deeks' smirk slipped into a cocky grin. "You know, for such a smart federal agent, you might want to review some of your own Standards and Practices … especially the one about fraternization between agents."

"What are you talking about?"

Feeling a little more of how the conversation was going, Deeks toned down the pleasure in revelling the little nugget of information that apparently escaped his girlfriend's notice. "Chapter Sixteen, Section Five, Point D, states that two agents, assigned to operate together as partners, shall not enter into any type of relationship, personal or otherwise, so long at they are employed under the authority of the Department of the Navy or the office of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service."

Kensi could not help but smile. "Did you just quote part of the Employee Handbook?"

"Lawyer." Deeks used a thumb to point to himself. "Memorizing important facts is what we do."

"And why that one in particular?"

A sad and frustrated look passed over the man's face before he tucked it away. "Cause basically it means that if I become an agent and we are in a relationship, that there is no way that we would be allowed to work together as partners … they probably won't even let us work out of the same office."

Kensi felt like she had been kicked in the gut and it took her another few moments for the revelation to fully sink in. "So … you don't want to become an agent because …"

"Because, if I do … we can't be partners anymore." Deeks smiled ruefully as he finished the thought for her. His heart still heart from what had happened earlier in the day, but the thought of not being Kensi's partner had haunted him for years now. "That would kill me Kens. I don't want to work with anyone other than you and just thinking about you getting partnered with someone else would be unbearable."

Stunned was not what Kensi was feeling. It was like her eyes had been opened and she was seeing him in an entirely new light. "All this time … you were just protecting our 'thing'?"

He just shrugged his shoulders, letting his eyes dropped to her shoes. "Well … yeah."

"God … Deeks." Ever since Hetty had told her about the paperwork that had been presented to Deeks, Kensi had often wondered why the offer had not been accepted. At first, she thought it was because he was intimidated by the federal agents and their tech and training. But as time went on, she began to believe it was so that if he ever wanted to really leave, remaining a cop would make the move simple and clean. With this new information, she realized that her assumptions had been based on her own skewed sense of self-preservation … because that's exactly what she would have done.

Just one more reason why she felt the need to kick her own ass.

"And today … I make you feel inferior, let you think that I'm interested in another man, who happens to be a fellow agent …" Choking back a sob, Kensi feels the shame a guilt hit her anew. "... Babe … I am so … so sorry!"

She dropped her head until her hair fell around her face so she wouldn't have to see his face. "If tonight … if this … is the end … I take full responsibility for ruining … us … then you have to know that I've never loved anyone the way I love you." The tears were flowing freely, leaving shining streaks in the light. "You make me a better person Deeks … you make me want to be a better person."

"But you hurt me today …"

"I know, babe … I know … and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I can be an insensitive bitch sometimes when I lose sight of what is important in my life. I let my old habits take over today when I felt like I needed to prove myself to another agent from DC … and I hurt you in the process." She took a step toward him, keeping her eyes locked on his sneakers, terrified that if she looked up at him, he would run or look at her with rejection in his blue eyes. "I can't promise you that I will never hurt you again … I'm not that naive … but can promise that I will love you until the day that I die and, if you let me, I will spend the rest of my days proving that to you."

Deeks felt his own resolve breaking. "I don't want your apologies anymore, Kens."

At that moment, Kensi felt her heart break. It sounded like he was drawing the conversation to a close and she felt that they were nowhere near where they needed to be for their relationship to survive. That was all she had. All the words were spent. The tears were beginning to dry and her hands were losing the shake that came from the emotionally charged adrenaline dump that was finally starting to ebb. All that was left for her to do was turn away from her future and head back to her old life, the one where her heart could be kept locked away behind steel reinforced concrete and buried in the depths of the sea.

Kensi waited a few moments, just in case her pleas had not fallen on deaf ears, hoping beyond hope that somehow this night would end with some possibility of joy instead of pain. After a few more seconds, when she knew no reprieve was coming, she slowly turned away and gathered her broken heart that, by some miracle, was still beating. Her hand shook slightly as she turned to knob to open the door that led past the shimmering pool and she snatched it open quickly, knowing that her legs were going to give out soon. Her mind was filled with how was she going to get home; driving in this state was dangerous, so maybe she would call a cab or Nell or …

A firm hand on her shoulder stopped her forward movement but the grip was warm and gentle. Kensi almost pulled away, wanting to escape whatever words of comfort Deeks may utter to try and sooth the gaping wound in the center of her chest. But his tug was soft and before she knew it, he was spinning her back … right into his warm embrace.

"Kens …" He tucked her under his chin and she stepped further into his warmth, letting it soak into her very bones. "... you are the most maddening, infuriating, insane woman I have ever met .. and I will love you forever and back."

Kensi nuzzled deeper into his embrace, taking in his scent that she feared she would never enjoy again. "I'm so sorry Deeks … I'm so sorry."

"I know … I know." He held her close, partly just to feel her body against his and partly because he did not want her to walk away. "This is what love is, babe … forgiving when it hurts … and knowing that the one we love the most isn't perfect and will, more than likely, hurt you again."

She leaned back until she could see his face, a face that had its own tear tracks. "Can you do that? Can you forgive me?"

"I won't lie and say that what you did is something that I enjoyed … and I hope it never happens again." He felt her start to pull away but he held on. "I forgive you, Kens … just like I hope you can forgive me when I do something really stupid one day and hurt you."

They remained interlocked like that for several moments, letting the day's events fade away along with the tears that were finally coming to an end. Kensi sniffled against his chest, letting the soft thump-thump of his heart calm her even further, amazed that this man was giving her another chance. Nuzzling against his warmth, she let herself melt into him, her heartbeat quickening when she felt his lips slide across her hair as he whispered against her hair.

"What do you want, Kens?"

Her answer was immediate and unwavering.

"You … I just want you."

Fin

...

A/N: To say that I am sorry that it took so long to finish this is a huge understatement. I hope that you have enjoyed this little story and, sad to say, I am ad it is finished. I have other stories to work on as I try to earn your forgiveness for taking so long between updates.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Semper Fidelis

JS