Hey you guys. First a special thanks for the reviewers! Thank you so much :) Anyway here's ch. 19.

- 1 day later

Monday 10:15

There was knocking on the door which woke me up. I opened my eyes 'Yeah?' I mumbled sleepily.
The door opened and Carlisle walked in. 'Goodmorning.' He gave me a serene smile.

'Hey Doc.' I answered and sat up in the bed. I tried to rub the sleep from my eyes, but my head still felt a little woozy.

'I want to run a few test if you're okay with that.' He said.

'Yeah, sure. I'll just go and brush my teeth.' I said and stretched, my body was a little sore of all the sleeping in. I walked into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I walked with Carlisle to his office and sat down on one of the chairs. There was coffee already waiting for me and I gratefully took a sip.

Carlisle wrapped something on my arm to measure my blood pressure. The thing expanded and got really tight around my arm. Carlisle looked at the numbers and then ripped it of slowly.

'So how are you feeling overall?'

I thought about it 'Fine I guess. My gums stopped bleeding, the hair loss went back to a bare minimum, thank god for that. My energy level is okay. So yeah I think I'm fine.'

'I'm glad to hear that Renesmee. How are you mentally, do you still have those flashbacks?'

'Sometimes yeah, but that's okay. They don't really last that long. Now that I'm much fitter it's not that bad anymore I guess.'

'Well that looks all very positive' He said as he checked my pupils with a flashlight. Patiently I followed his instructions until he was all done.

'So did you had fun last night?' It was an innocent question, but with what happened yesterday I didn't want to think about it again.

'Sure, it was fun.' I said hesitant. I wasn't that comfortable with him yet to talk about these things. Carlisle noticed but he decided he would let it slide. For now. When I was all done I walked out of Carlisle's office and went upstairs. I wanted to do some homework today, but I needed some more information on the subject for that. So I decided that I would grab some books their library. The Cullens had a special room for all their treasured books, the room which was bigger than most of their bedrooms was stacked up with books. As I walked over there, I passed Alice's and Jasper's room. The door was wide open and I couldn't help but peek inside, I just had a curious nature. Jasper was getting dressed picking out a T-shirt for today. When my eyes trailed over his back I noticed that his pale skin was covered with scars. They were on his back, on his chest and on his arms. It was like his whole body was covered in scars, but the shape of them reminded me of bitemarks. It couldn't be… I froze in my tracks and couldn't help myself from staring. He noticed and turned around, when our eyes met he gave a warm smile.

'I.. I'm sorry.' I stuttered and quickly hurried to the library. As I tried to figure out their stacking system, It wasn't alphabetical or on the writers name, Jasper walked in.

'Do you need some help?'

I turned around to face him. 'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to invade your privacy.' I pleaded.

'Renesmee..'

'I promise, it won't happen again. It's just that the door was open and..' I stammered

'Renesmee. It's okay.' Jasper interrupted me. Not sure how to respond to this I kept silent.

'Sooner or later you would have noticed anyway. So don't worry about it okay?' He said and sent me a calming wave.

'What happened to you?'

'I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.' He grimaced. I waited patiently, I couldn't press him to tell anymore if he didn't wanted to. It was his choice to tell me or not.

'I joined the Confederate Army when I was young. It was so different than they told me it would be. They promised me adventures and told me I would return home a hero. It wasn't like that at all. But soon after I was promoted to Major in Texas. On one of my mission I met these girls which were both beautiful and intriguing. Their names were Maria, Lucy and Nettie..' He let his hand ran over some of the scars on his arm. 'They turned me in a vampire in the hope I would help them to reclaim their territory, which I did. We created an whole army and dominated other covens. Maria and I fell in love, I would've done anything for her at that time.' His golden eyes turned dark as the memories took over his mind.

He cleared his throat and his eyes found mine. 'Maria never got over her deceased mate so our romance bled out after a while. However I was still the captain in our army. We've created this amry together and I didn't knew where else I would belong so I stayed. Maria was obsessed with power and dominance. To make sure none of the newborns were going to be her successors she made me dispose them after the first year of their transformation. After a while we even got rid of Nettie and Lucy because they conspired against us. It was a dark time, murdering was part of our daily routine, it didn't matter if they were human of vampire. Every day I was responsible for one death one way or another. After a while I befriended this newborn called Peter. In that year after his transformation we got friends, we were able to talk about anything. He had a lot of the same ideas about the world. Peter was smart, kind and trustworthy. He saved me a couple of times when other covens tried to attack us. He always got my back. So when it was time for me to end his life after one year I refused. I let him go. Maria was furious and distrusted me from that day on. I could feel how fearful and mistrusted she got towards me. At first I thought about killing her, because I knew that eventually she would kill me. But I couldn't, there was already to much blood on my hands. So I left. Alice was the one who found me, at first I couldn't figure out why she want to be with me. With everything that i've done, why would she want to be with me? But when I was with her there was something that I didn't feel in years. She gave me hope. Hope for a better future.'

I frowned, not knowing what to say or do. 'I.. I'm sorry.' I whispered.

'The scars are just a constant reminder of what I've done. But that's okay. I learned to accept myself this way. I am so grateful for this family, who accepted me the way I am.'

I gave him a weak smile.

'Anyway, were you looking for something?' Jasper asked as he rolled down his sleeve. I glanced over to the stack of books.

'Seth is making me do this essay on the first and second world war. But I ehm..' I let a hair run through my hair 'I never heard of any of them.'

'If you want I can help you, I mean I do after all have 5 degrees in history.' He grinned. He grabbed a few books from the shelves. 'Also I would recommend these.'

'Yeah, why not?' I mumbled. 'Let me get my things and then we can begin.'

I could tell he was surprised by my answer, but he nodded and we gathered everything we needed before we headed downstairs to start on my history lessons. The thing with Jasper was that he didn't gave you the feeling he was teaching you something at all. It was more like he was telling you a story, an intense and intriguing story and the way he told the story was so vivid and lively that it was almost like you were there. For hours we sat there at that table as he told me about the first war. I wrote down a brief summary and whenever I had questions I asked them.

Esme walked over after a while and told me it was time for dinner. Confused I looked over to the clock which told me that 7 hours passed since we first started. 'Shit' I mumbled.

'I'm sorry I took so long' Jasper apologized. 'No don't be sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't keep up with you all the time. You're a great teacher.' His face lightened up a little.

'Go eat, you must be starving.' He said while he gathered the books and put them in one of the drawers.

'Now that you mention it' I said and stretched. 'I'm starving and beat at them same time.'

'Why don't you relax for a little tonight. Watch some tv or something like that.'

'But we only did the first war, we yet have to do the second one.' I said as I tried to suppress a yawn. 'Maybe tomorrow then?'

Jasper gave me a smile. 'Tomorrow sounds fine to me.'

Esme called me over for my dinner. It was broccoli soup with smoked salmon on toast and a salad. As I sat down to eat I grabbed my phone and checked my messages. There was a text from Jacob.

- 'Can we talk?'

It was send hours ago, it was probably the first thing he did when he woke up. As I chewed on my toast I thought about what I needed to sent back.

'Okay' I typed and a little hesitant I pressed send. I locked my phone and put in down on the table to finish my supper. My mind was a little tired of all the information it had to process after today. Jasper was a great teacher, but there was just so much I could take in.

Emmett walked into the kitchen. He always walked on eggshells around me, avoiding any conflict with me as much as possible. I swallowed the bite of my toast and cleared my throat.

'Hey.'

A little hesitant he looked at me. 'Hey, are you okay?' His golden eyes curiously went over me.

'Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.' I said as I stirred in my soup. Slowly he pulled out a chair and sat down in front of me.

'You changed.' He said as I finished up my dinner.

'Did I now?' I asked him. Seriously he nodded, he was searching for words to try and explain his feelings. 'You are much kinder now. A while ago you were like a bomb ready to go off anytime. We had to be careful what we said because you always tried to stir up some trouble. But you are not like that anymore, you are a part of the family now.' His words were kind, endearing even. I appreciated his gesture and I knew he was expressing his deepest feelings in the most honest words he could. I also knew that I should be happy about them, but suddenly there was a hollow feeling in my chest. There was this feeling deep inside of me that told me that I didn't deserve this, that they deserved better than me. If I ever wanted to fit in here in their coven I needed to work for it, I needed to be more of the girl they thought I was. I wanted to be more like the girl they thought I was.

'Thank you.' I mumbled a little awkward and I excused myself by grabbing my plate and bowl and walking over the dishwasher. Probably Emmett felt my awkwardness because when I turned around he left the kitchen. All the Cullens were doing something, they were always busy. Emmett and Rosalie retreated in their room. Edward was reading a book, Bella and Esme were playing a card game. Jasper and Alice were watching television. It was just a normal day in the mansion, I sat down on the other couch and decided I would watch some tv as well. However it couldn't interest me, it was a movie about a man who lost his eyesight or something like that. My eyes got heavier and heavier as the sleep slowly took over me.

Tuesday 11:23

I woke up in my own bed, a little ashamed I wondered who carried me to bed. I decided to stay a little while in this warm and heavenly bed, before I forced myself to jump under the shoulder and do my daily routine. There was this feeling that was nagging from the inside. I knew that I had to face it eventually, I couldn't ignore it forver. The easiest was Jacob. I needed to face him and work it this whole being friends situation. It was something that I wasn't looking forward to, but out of respect I would talk to him. I owed him that at least. I didn't knew yet what kind of future we had together, maybe we didn't have any, but we needed to find out together.

But there was one other person I needed to face. Mom. My heart longed to see her, but something in me said that I was better off not seeing her. This feeling that told me I shouldn't go there Sunday was confusing me. Even when I tried to suppress it was it was clawing out, there was something off about this. I just knew it, but didn't I owed my mother this as well? She took care of me for years and even though I hated the man who called himself my father I didn't hate my mother. I still loved her. I was angry with her, for sure. But she was still my mother.

I grabbed my phone, which they put on my nightstand and checked my messages. There was one text, which was from Jacob.

'I have lunch at 1, do you want to meet at Sue's. My treat.' I stared at the screen for a while and tried to figure out what to say to him without hurting him. Yes he was attractive and sweet. Yes he was funny and protective, he knew that I wasn't a human and I knew he would take care of me. But..

I plucked on my hairs. It was terrifying. It was a terrifying idea that I would be the rest of my life with someone, it frightened me that I wouldn't be able to have my much beloved freedom. I was used to a life in which I could go wherever I wanted. I traveled from city to city and I loved that, But when I was in a relationship I couldn't do that anymore. Well I couldn't now, because the Cullens wouldn't let me. But eventually they would right? There was so much of the world that I wanted to see, so many thing that I wanted to do. Imagining myself here in Forks for the rest of my life felt so choking to me. I just wasn't ready for that. I had to tell him that, I needed to be honest with him. I just hoped he would understand.

So I texted him back that I would meet him at 1 at Sue's and with a nervous feeling in my stomach I picked out my clothes for the day. I went with black jeans, a green sweater, casual make up and of course my favorite black heals and leather jacket. When I walked downstairs I glanced over to the clock. I needed to leave in a half an hour so I went to find Jasper to tell him about my plans for today. He was on the patio with Alice, staring at the woods in silence. I felt almost guilty disturbing them, they sat there in peace, they were so harmonious. Just the sight of the two angelic like creatures was beautiful. Softly I knocked getting their attention.

'Hi, I uhm have a lunch appointment with Jacob, do you think we can reschedule my history lession?' I whispered.

He smiled. 'Alice told me already, we'll do it tomorrow then.'

I nodded and gave Alice a glance. I knew she couldn't help it, but it did feel like invading my privacy. She gave me an understanding and knowing look and I walked back inside. Carlisle already left for work, so I needed to find myself an other way there. Edward walked into the room and gave me a puzzled look.

'If you don't want to go, you don't need to. You owe him nothing.' He said. There was something between Jacob and Edward that I couldn't explain. Some kind if rivalry which was fed by some hate towards each other. They didn't seem to like each other one bit, but they were sure to be very polite against each other every time they saw each other. It was the strangest thing.

'It's okay. Really.' I mumbled a little irritated that once again my privacy meant nothing to them.

In a flash he threw something at me, my brain just barely registered what was happening. But thanks to my reflexes I caught the keys he threw my way.

'You can take the Volvo.' He said.

My eyes went from the keys to him and back. 'I ehm..' I started.

'Have no idea how to drive a car. I've never done it before. Like ever.' He gave me a somewhat amused look and then took back the keys from me.

'That's okay. I will take you then.' He said and headed to the garage. I grabbed my things and purse before following him into the garage. When I entered I noticed the engine of the white Volvo was started, but Edward was sitting on the passengers seat. The door to the drivers seat was wide open and he gave me a challenging look. I swallowed and carefully got into the car. When I was seated I gave him this questioning look.

'Okay hold the wheel like this.' He said as he placed my hands on the wheel. 'Right is drive and left is brake.'

'Right.' I said and with sweaty palms I tried to get the car out of the garage. Slowly there was movement and we drove out of the garage. My heart was racing and concentrated I slowly moved the car to the road.

'You're doing well.' He said from the passengers seat. This feeling I had was exciting, sure my heart was racing and I was very hot. But it felt great.

'Okay, now park over there.' Edward grinned and at first I thought I did something wrong. We swapped seats and I took a relieved breath when I sat down on the passengers seat.

'You didn't do anything wrong, but I can't let your drive through Forks without a drivers license. No worries, we'll practice some more.' He said as he restarted the engine. Then without a warning we dashed off, we drove off with such a speed that I was pressed against the chair. Only when we entered the main road Edward slowed down and went back to 80 km per hour. It didn't take us long to reach the café. When we arrived I gave him a thankful smile. 'Thank you.' I mumbled as I grabbed my purse and unlocked the door.

'Let me know if you need a ride home.' He said. I nodded and shut the door. He drove off and I checked my phone. I was early, it was only 12:34. I had some time to kill, so I walked into the park and sat down on one of the benches there. Forks didn't have much, but their park was beautiful. There was a big pond in which ducks and geese which were fighting over some left-over bread. Watching them was more entertaining than I expected.

I could feel the buzzing of my phone through my purse. I unlocked it and read the message, it was a text from a number which was unfamiliar for me.

'Left' it just said. I glanced over from my phone to the left of me, but there was nothing there. I read the message again and then glanced over to my left again. There was still nothing. I frowned and stood up, this was weird. Suddenly ice cold fingers grabbed and clawed in my arm, dragged me with them. At first I wanted to protest, pull my arm back, even scream. But when those ruby eyes drilled in mine I was speechless.

'Mum?' I stammered. She just gave a cool smile and kept dragging me with her. 'Keep on walking Renesmee.' She hissed through her teeth. We walked deeper into the park and when we had the chance we climbed of the walking path and into the woods. Confused and obedient I followed my mother until we found a quiet meadow where no humans would hear or see us. I stopped in my tracks and refused to walk any further untill my mother would explain. Victoria noticed and released my arm.

Her red eyes drilled into mine. Whenever she did that I always had the feeling she could see right into my soul. She pulled me into a cold hug and pressed me hard against her.

'It's so good to see you my dearest daughter.' She whispered in my ear. When she released me she stepped back and took my face in her hands. 'You are not easy to find.'

'Mom what are you doing here?' I whispered with disbelief. I was shocked, I wasn't mentally prepared for our reunion yet. There were so many feelings right now that I didn't knew where to begin.

'I came to bring you home. You don't belong with the Olympia Coven Renesmee. You belong with us.' She stated, like it was the most simple thing in the world. Slowly the anger and desperation that I was trying to shake off for months came rushing back in.

'Where were you Mom. I tried to contact you a million times.' I said and folded my arms.

She sighted deep, I could tell she was annoyed. 'Renesmee don't start with this. I just wanted to give you some time to cool off after what happened.'

'Cool off time?' I hissed and took a step backwards. 'COOL OFF TIME?' I said again, no screamed this time.

'Renesmee.' My mother said in her disapproving voice, but I didn't care. She fucking abandoned me when I needed her the most. I almost died because she wanted to give me some cool off time?

'I WAS DYING MOTHER, I WAS BLOODY DYING AND YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME SOME COOL OFF TIME? GOD.' I said as I shook my head in disbelief.

'Dear, listen to me.' She said and took my hand. I tried to pull it back, but her clutch was strong and I was sure I couldn't escape her grip without breaking my hand.

'Renesmee I came to get you away from the Cullens.' She whispered intensely. Her red eyes drilled in mine making sure I was aware of how important this was for her. There was just one thing, I actually liked staying with the Cullens. I didn't want to return to this lifestyle we had before. My silence angered her and she tried to lure me out.

'They are bad people Renesmee.' She said with a pained voice. Angry I pulled on my hand until she released.

'They are bad people mother? We are the bad people mother.' I hissed. She tilted her head a little to look at me. 'Renesmee, we need to go now. You're father is waiting for us.' She said as she tried to get me to walking. But I refused to move an inch.

'Father?' I whispered and a wave of fear rushed over me. The last thing I wanted was to see my father right now. I remembered how angered he was the last time we met. I was sure his temper was even worse now after the fight in the Cullen territory.

'I need to go back, Alice can see us. They are probably looking for us right now.' I whispered trying to scare her off. There was no way in hell that I was going back to that man.

'Oh Renesmee. They can't see you now, because they think you are with the wolf boy. Do you think I am that stupid.' My mother sighted and turned around. 'It's time to go home now dearest.' Warm tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to make up an other escape plan, but my mother knew me and was doing this much longer than I was. She saw right through me.

'I don't want to go back to him' I whispered as hot tears rolled over my cheeks. 'Mom, please I don't want to go back to him.'

'Renesmee' my mother's voice was dripping with anger. 'Do not, I repeat, do not start with this.'

'But you know what he did to me.' I cried.

'Renesmee enough.' I knew that my mother would always choose my father above me, but I still had hope. Hope that this time she would belive me instead of listening to his mind control.

'He tried to.. he tried to..' I stuttered but my mother shut me up by slapping me in the face.

'I said: ENOUGH. We both know that's not what happened is it.' My mother said. My face was red and sore. It burned where she'd hit me. Embarrassed I stared at the ground. My mother however was furious right now, she grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her.

'What happened that night that was you were high out of your mind, because you took a shitload of pills. Again. You are just a pathetic junkie Renesmee and you would've done anything for another hit.' She let go of my face and I could feel the blood rush through my face.

What she said wasn't exactly a lie, growing up in the middle of a kartel I tried my fair share of pills. I took some pills that night, it was true. It was just after I witnessed a massive murder spree, which some of my father's vampire friends called lunch. I needed something to take my mind of things. But I didn't lie when I said that my father tried to force himself on me. When I closed my eyes I could still recall his cold hands on me, his warm breath in my neck. The scar in my neck, a tiny bitemark would always be a reminder of what happened. I wondered what would've happened if I never took those pills that night, would Vinny still be alive? It was a big price to pay for a temporary rush. When I ran away I told myself I would never ever use something like that again. I never wanted my mind to be that fuzzy again, I wanted, no I needed to be in control of my own actions. Always. With Tim's help I was able to stop with everything, we were each other's personal rehab. And it worked. But this guilt would always follow me around. And my mother was trying to rub in in my face.

'And now you want to join the Cullens, a vegetarian coven?' She chuckled. 'Tss, Tss Renesmee. How is that working out for you? Did you murder someone yet?'

Ashamed and angered I stared at her. Tears were still rolling over my cheeks, I couldn't stop them even if I wanted to.

'I'm not going.' I whispered, my voice was barely audible but it was enough for my mother to hear.

'Oh yes you are.' She hissed.

'I'm not going mother.' I repeated again, my voice didn't seem to confident as I wanted it to be. It sounded as weak whisper. There were just a couple times that I'd seen this side of my mother. I knew I didn't need to anger her, because if my mother was angry she frightened me.

'They did the bond breaking didn't they?' She pinched her eyes and let out a snarl.

'You mean the bonds you put inside my head?' I hissed back. 'Yeah they did mother.'

The redhead pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She took a deep sight and then returned her attention back to me.

'I'm going to give you one more chance Renesmee.'

'I got something good here going on mother, please please let me stay here.' I started to beg her. 'Please, please.'

For a while she just stood there staring at me. I was afraid to say anything or even move. So I just waited for her response. After a while she pinched her eyes again.

'Is this what you really want Renesmee?' She asked me. Slowly I nodded afraid of her reaction, but I didn't want to go back to that life. I couldn't go back to that life, I needed to move forward. I felt at home here at Forks, my bond with the Cullens was growing and for the first time in a long time I felt at peace.

'Okay, then go.' Her words surprised me. Her red eyes drilled in mine and I could see the frustration and disappointment in them.

'Thank you.' I mumbled. I stepped forward to give her one last hug. But her cold hands pushed me away and she turned around. 'Go you dumb girl!' She hissed again.

With a heavy heart I turned around and started to walk back. After a few metres I looked over my shoulder trying to get one last glance of my mother but she wasn't there anymore. I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and turned my focus on the path. I slowly trailed over the path and with every step I got more and more relieved. I didn't want it to end like this, but with everything that happened I needed to choose myself. Just one last time I looked over my shoulder, saying goodbye to her in my mind.

I grabbed my phone to call my grandfather, my family. I wanted to go home. Be around people who actually cared about me, loved me for who I am. I unlocked the screen, but before I could press the dial button there was a sharp pain in my skull. Black flashed dances before my eyes and my legs were unable to carry me anymore. I fell down in the sand and two ruby eyes drilled in mine from above.

'If I can't have you, they can't either.'

Everything faded to a deep black.

In this chapter a little bit of Renesmee's dark past came to light. What do you guys think?