Hey guys. Here's chapter 21 already! Let me know what you guys think!

P.S I hope everyone had nice holidays.

I felt great. I knew it was courtesy of the pill I just took, but my body was relaxed and the pain that haunted through my limbs was faded to a minimum. I sat there on the bed just staring at the ceiling thinking about.. well nothing really. I was thinking about nothing and I loved it. I was just staring at the ceiling, focusing on the dust particles.

Hours passed and I fell asleep in a restless sleep. I was woken up by the hand of my mother. Startled I sat up and tried to clear my mind. She sat down next to me and smiled.

'Goodmorning. How are you feeling?' She asked me calmly.

How was I feeling? Well now that the pills stopped working I felt like crap again. My face which was bruised heavily was now also swollen on the left side of my face. But apart from that I was hungry. My stomach was completely empty which caused my human side to be starving. I really longed for a coffee and a cheeseburger. But my vampire side was completely famished. That ravenous feeling was even worse than my human side starving. The dark urge to kill and feed came clawing out again and it was even worse than the last time. I had a hard time controlling it. It was like there was a dark requirement flooding through my veins poisoning my head. The old Renesmee, was slowly losing this fight. I didn't knew how much longer I was able to go on.

My mother noticed that I was hesitant in my answering. 'Renesmee, don't be like this.' She sighted.

I sighted as well. 'Did it ever occurred to you mother, that I never asked for this?'

'We can't choose our lives Renesmee. We just have to make the best of it.'

I glared at her. I was making the best of it before she ripped me from Forks. I wanted to go back to the Cullens badly, but I needed to find a way to contact them. I couldn't pull of the shield like I did last time. My father would notice if I did, he always noticed when I meddled with it. My mother choose to ignore my glaring and walked over to the hallway.

'I got a little present for you.' She said. Great, I couldn't wait I thought to myself as I groaned and forced myself of the bed. My mother returned with a boy. I estimated he was 17/18 years old. He got brown hair that was styled in an out of bed look, there was a hint of a beard because he didn't shave in a few days. His eyes were brown, like pools of chocolate. His pupils were dilated telling me he was high on something. Obediently he walked after my mother and sat down on the one chair that wasn't broken. I clutched my teeth as I saw the smug face my mother made when she looked at him.

'What's the meaning of this mother?' I hissed through my teeth.

'In this world you learn to eat or be eaten dear. You look famished, so it's feeding time. We are not going to play this stupid vegetarian crap with you.' She said grim. Then she spun on her heels and walked out of the door. I ran forward but I was too late, the door slammed shut right in front of me. I pulled on it, trying to pry it open in anyway possible. But it didn't bulged, there was no way that this door would open from this side. I was trapped here.

'GODDAMMIT' I screamed at the closed door. I rammed my fists against it, over and over again. But my mother wasn't intending to open the door. The life lessons my other taught me were always harsh. I remember one time that after a drop off I come back to the place we were hiding at the time. By the time I came back they got this group of people for dinner, my parents loved feeding from the vein. They claimed there was nothing better than fresh blood right from the main artery. Anyway, they were holding them in the kitchen, I think most of them were immigrants because they didn't speak english but just begged in a language that I couldn't understand. I tried to ignore the pleading sounds coming from the kitchen and walked to the corridor to go to my room. I was tired and wanted to take a shower and get some sleep. Growing up around vampires made you hard, I felt sorry for those people in there. But that was just the way it was, the natural food chain.

As I was walking to my room I came across this little boy. I knew he'd escaped from the kitchen, god knows how, and the was climbing out of the window really slowly. When his brown eyes found mine he panicked and froze on the spot. When our eyes met I could see there desperation in them, but there was something else. Dedication and hope. So quickly I looked around and when there was nobody there I just continued to my room. Giving the boy a fair chance. Unfortunately there were little things I could keep from my mother. Living in a household with vampires I was always the underdog. One of our staff saw me letting the boy escape. So when I was done with my shower and returned to my room to get dressed they left me present: they put his ripped off head on display right on the top of my bed. There was no more hope or dedication in his brown eyes, just fear.

But that was then, and I had to deal with my problems in the present. I slowly turned around to my guest who was sitting motionless on his chair. There was a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. I tried to swallow a few times but it didn't matter. So I cleared my throat.

'Hi.' I whispered.

He just gave me a weak smile and continued staring into nothingness. He probably took the same shit I did yesterday because I too stared at nothing for hours. I walked to the sink and splashed some cold water in my face. Oh god. I couldn't do this. I needed to figure a way out of here. Fast.

For a moment I hesitated to take my vail of to inform the Cullens where I was. But I knew if I did so, my parents would notice and we would move before the Cullens would be here. Also they would punish me severely, and I didn't knew if I would survive that. I sat down in the corner of the room and started at the boy. He was completely lost in his own world, lost in his own thoughts.

Before I could help it my fangs extended. My ear caught the sound of his steady heartbeat and my mouth started to water. I licked my lips, I was so damn hungry. Suddenly I stood next to him. I never intended to stand up or walk over here. My body was going in survival mode, the dark urges were slowly taking over. I was losing.

'No.' I hissed towards myself. I can do this. I walked over to the bed and sat down on it. I cupped my face trying to think. I needed to think about something, but my eyes wandered over to the boy. He seemed to peaceful, happy even. Maybe, maybe it would work for me too..?

I grabbed the plastic bag from under my pillow and popped the last pill in my mouth. If I was able to relax now I wouldn't feel the need to kill him for a couple of hours right?

It didn't work. I knew it from the moment I woke up. I felt relaxed and satisfied. My skin itched and when I raised up my hand to scratch it was covered in dried up blood. I stared at it and closed my eyes . I felt sick, knowing that whatever I did he was laying there on the ground just a meter away from me. I felt the need to throw up and sat up. Very slowly my eyes wandered over the room. It was a mess, there was blood everywhere. Pools of dried up blood colored the floor and walls. His body laid there still and lifeless. His eyes still staring into the nothingness, only this time forever. His neck was completely ripped open, his clothes were soaked in his own blood. With shaking hands I walked over to the mirror. When I looked at myself I couldn't help but to let out a sob. There was a devil staring back at me. With big black pupils and blood everywhere. It was in my hair, on my face. In my clothes. There was just blood everywhere. I threw up in the sink. More blood, because there was nothing else in my stomach. I wiped my mouth and sat down in the corner. I hugged my legs and cried. I just did the thing I feared most in this world. They turned me into a monster. I screamed and then cried until my tears dried up.

My mother came by in the evening. I didn't even look up when I heard the lock click. When the door swung open and it came to light what I did she let out a surprised oh. She then walked over me and kneeled in front of me.

'Renesmee.' She whispered, but I ignored her. On this very moment I hated her. She pulled away my arms and forced me to look at her. 'Renesmee.' She whispered again.

'There is nothing to cry over my dear, you just embraced your true nature. This is something to be proud off: your first kill.' She said and she even sounded excited. I wondered how she could be excited over this. I just killed a fucking man, I just took the liberty to end someone's life and that wasn't okay.

'I'll admit it is a little messy, but we can work on that.' My mother continued and it angered me. It angered me so much that I pushed her away.

'How can you be proud of this?' I screamed as I pointed at the dead body.

'This is nothing to be proud of, this is murder. I murdered someone.' Frustrated I threw my arms up and shook my head.

'I understand you are emotional right now, I was too with my first kill. But it will get better Renesmee.' My mother tried to calm me. It wasn't working.

'It will get better? I chuckled 'God mother I hope I will never ever have to do something like this again. I would rather hang myself then to take another life.' I spitted out. She was right that I was emotional. There was guilt, anger, hatred and bitterness all flooding right through me.

'Calm down dear.' My mother ordered. But now that I embraced my rage there was no way back.

'Get the fuck out.' I hissed.

'Excuse me?'

'GET THE FUCK OUT' I screamed 'I FUCKING HATE YOU.'

Surprised she stared at me, and I could tell she was at a loss for words right now. I kept repeating that she needed to get out until she locked the door behind her.

I didn't sleep that night. I just kept staring at the lifeless body. My gaze was fixed on all the blood that surrounded him. All I did was fail today. There was an unstoppable flow of hot tears that just kept running over my face. The tears mixed with the dried up blood making my tears red.

'I'll be good. I'll be good' I whispered to myself. I needed to promise myself that something like this would never happen again.

I don't know how much time passed before the door swung open again. It was my mother again, this time with Julian by here side. I didn't look up, my eyes were glued to the body which was slowly turning yellow. Julian grabbed my wrist and pulled me to my feet. I growled at him and tried to ignore him But ignoring him got hard to do when he threw me over his shoulder and carried me to the other side of the building. We walked up a stairs and he put me on my feet in front of a small bathroom. With a stern look I stared at my mother.

With a chagrin face she said 'I have a job for you. You need to make a drop.'

'Fuck you.' I whispered. My throat was so dry that even whispering those words hurt me.

Julian turned on the shower and looked at my mother. She just gave him a quick nod and he grabbed my t-shirt and without blinking ripped it in two. There I stood in just my bra facing them.

'Do you want him to do the rest too or are you going to behave and clean up?' My mother frowned. I gritted my teeth and turned around, stepped into the bathroom and slammed the door. I swear I would do whatever it took to get out of here. I undressed and stepped under the hot water. It felt good to wash away the dried blood. I used a whole bottle of soap making sure every drop was washed off. Then I shampooed my hair brushed my teeth. The shower made me feel better, much better. Emotionally I was still a wreck, but at least I was a clean wreck. I noticed there were clean clothes waiting for me, but I wasn't that fond of the choice my mother made for me. There were black heels and a black tightfitting dress. When I looked in the mirror I sighted. Whatever job my mother had for me, I was sure I wasn't going to like it.

She knocked on the door and annoyed I opened it. She peeked inside and gave a approving look. She handed me a bag with make-up. 'Now put on some make-up. You need to look decent.' She said and closed the door. Reluctantly I did as she said and applied foundation, eyeliner, mascara and the crimson red lipstick she got me. When I was done and my mother was satisfied I followed her downstairs. There was a duffel bag filled with blue pills on the table, easily worth thousands of dollars.

'Here's your cargo.' My mother said as she handed me the bag. I looked at her and then looked at the beg.

'Tell me mother, why would I deliver anything for you?' I said. My mothers red eyes turned darker as she stared at me. She seemed to think about it for a while.

'You do this for us and we do something for you.' She said. Now my interest peaked a little.

'I want to go back to Forks.' I hissed. I knew it hurt her to hear that, but it was the truth. There was nothing here for me but pain and guilt. Now that I learned how important family was I longed back to the warm embrace they offered. My mother's eyes drilled in mine and she got something from her pocket. It was a Passport. I grabbed it and linspected it. My picture was in there, it was another alias but that was fine. This would give me the opportunity to travel back to Forks. My mother grabbed back the passport and slid it in her pocket.

'I know you don't want to be here. I just need you to do this one drop for us. It's a very important deal. This buyer is going to buy all our product if he is satisfied with the pills.'

I looked at the duffel bag. 'Why don't you let one of your vampire friends deliver it then?'

'Because he wants to meet with the person in charge. It's a part of the deal.' She walked over to the window and pulled on the curtains. ' And as you can see, it's rather sunny outside.' She said grim. 'So we can't go.'

I nodded again, that made sense. 'But why me?'

She shrugged 'Because Renesmee, I trust you. I'll give you my words that after this drop you can remove the vail and you will see the Cullens again. I just need you to promise me you will make the drop. It's very important.' She whispered.

'Okay. I'll do it. But you need to promise me you'll let me go mother.'

'I promise.' She whispered. I gave her a stern nod and grabbed the bag. Julian was driving me to my destination in a car with blinded windows. I zipped up the duffel bag, but before I did I slipped one of the bags in my pocket. Julian noticed and gave a me a questioning look.

'They always want to test the product. It's easier this way.' I said annoyed. He said nothing and continued driving until we arrived at our destination. It was an old garage, abandoned just like our warehouse. The sun was shining brightly when I stepped out of the car. It had been a long time since I did such a thing, I actually was a little bit nervous. I walked inside the shop were they were waiting for me.

They were just with the two of them. Guns visible in their pockets, carrying them with pride. They were just the normal kind of gangsters, they didn't impress me. I've dealt with worse. I sighted and tossed down the bag. They were both bald and they heads were covered with big tattoo's. They were probably part of some gang. To be honest it didn't matter who was in front of me, it could've been the pope for all that I cared. I just wanted to go home.

'It's all there?' one of them asked and I noticed he had gold teeth.

I nodded. 'Yeah you want to try some?'

My hand went in my pocket to get the bag. But when I pulled it out it dropped onto the ground.

'Shit' I mumbled and bend over to grab it. As I did there was a loud sound and I realized there were gun shots. Petrified I looked up and I saw that one of the guys had a bullet hole in his chest. Blood was pouring out of the wound all over his white shirt.

'Freeze DEA!' Someone screamed from behind me.

Oh god. It was a set up.

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