I do not own FSOG.
CPOV:
I stare out the window overlooking the backyard. The darkness matches my ever sinking mood. I have no idea how long I've been in here, but I'll admit my feelings are a little hurt that Ana hasn't shown up by now. You acted like a royal jackass, why would she follow you? True, I wouldn't follow myself either. I hear a soft click behind me and I turn to see what the noise came from. Ana is leaning against the door eyeing me curiously. She walks cautiously towards me as if she is approaching a ticking time bomb. I keep quiet unlike my earlier outburst in the bedroom.
"Hey." She says quietly, sinking into one of the chairs across from her desk. I don't respond. I look back out into the night sky behind me, effectively turning my back on her. I watch her reflection in the window and she sinks further into the chair. Just talk, Grey. Talk? And what? Scare her away for good?
"Do you want to talk about why you are upset?" She probes. I want to scoff and tell her to not be so obtuse. She knows why I'm upset. It's been glaringly obvious since Ethan left and possibly even way before that.
"There's nothing to talk about." I respond impassively, shrugging my shoulders at her. Yeah, I'm acting like a five year old, but I just don't want to talk to her yet. Come on Grey. You were just pouting because she didn't follow you in here fast enough. We are both quiet for a moment before she speaks.
"I can't fix this if you shut me out. Talk to me, Christian. Please." She sounds just as sad as I feel. I turn around to look at her. Her eyes look tired, her face not as bright as this morning, and her shoulders are sagging. Her eyes are pleading with me and I finally give in.
"I'm upset." Short...that's the best I can give?
"Okay, can you give me a little more detail. I need to know where that head of yours is." Talk to her you idiot. She is trying, more than trying my subconscious alerts me.
"I'm upset about Father's Day. I'm upset about the fact I will never get to be a father. I'm pissed that I have to sit back while Ethan gets to celebrate that holiday with Will and I will never get to be his father." I tell her honestly.
"Christian…" She says my name with such tenderness it almost brings tears to my eyes. "Who said you couldn't celebrate Father's Day with Will?" She tries to appease me, but it isn't working.
"Will doesn't see me as his dad, Ana." I tell her bluntly. She shrinks a little more but I continue. "I'm just the fun guy that his mom dates. I'm mommy's boyfriend. I'm not permanent." I lean back in her too comfortable office chair that feels awfully stuffy right now. I need whisky or something to take the edge off, a wall to punch or a cellphone to throw.
"I don't think that's true. He loves you Christian. Heck, I think he loves you a little more than he loves me sometimes." She goes for humor but I don't give in. She gulps, completely off her game for the first time. I've never seen her so out of her element. She usually has the perfect solution, the answer to everything. Yet, right now she seems at a loss for words.
"If we break up, he wouldn't even notice I'm not here anymore." I tell her and my heart sinks at the thought, a frown forming on my face. Do I want to break up? No, but I want children of my own with Ana. Clearly, she's not up for that.
"Yes he would. Why would you even say that?" Her voice shows her disbelief in my words and matches her widening eyes. I rub my hands over my face and through my hair, giving a gentle tug at the end. This is not the way I wanted this conversation to go.
"I want children, Ana. I want them with you." I say through my hands as they cover my face. It's quiet on her side of the room and I let my hands fall so I can look at her. She is staring straight at me, blue eyes meeting gray. Something is different from her normal self however...her eyes seem so lifeless right now, not shining like they normally do. Be careful how far you push, Grey. I suck in a breath.
"I thought we already came to an agreement about this?" She asks.
"We did, but-" she cuts me off.
"Exactly, we already talked and agreed on this issue for now. So why is it an issue still?" Her eyes continue to bore into mine seeking an answer. She's not defensive or upset. She genuinely is trying to solve this problem between us. I make a living off mergers and acquisitions. I live on it, strive on it. Yet, this is not giving me anything but heartache and an upset stomach. I expected fighting, yelling, maybe some more explicit words. You know, like people do in the movies. But Ana looks defeated and confused.
"Because I want children, Ana. That's not something I am willing to give up on." She stares blankly at me, letting no emotions show. I'm backing her into a wall on this, pulling out my ruthless business tactics to win this battle that continues to plague us.
"And if I never want children? What happens? We break up? You go your way and I go mine?" Her words catch me off guard completely and I sit up straighter in my chair. I don't want to break up. I don't want her to ever leave me or me leave her, but my mind continues to lash out instead of thinking this through.
"I guess so." I agree with her theory and watch as several emotions quickly flutter across her face.
"I don't want that." She says evenly. She's fighting for us, trying to fix this and I continue to hurt her.
"I don't either…" I tell her.
"What do we do Christian?" She asks for guidance in such a small voice.
"I want a child. I want a child with you. Why is that such a terrible thing?" I can't control the emotion in my voice.
"It's not Christian. It's not." Emotion is starting to build on her face as well. Tears begin to cloud her beautiful blue eyes. Why have I done this? Why do I continue to make her cry?
"Is it me? You don't want a baby with me?" I ask in a soft whisper, my sole inner fear finally coming out. I look away as she looks at me as if I have grown a limb from my head.
"I love every single thing about you. I would absolutely love to see what a tiny version of you would look like. Can you imagine the temper tantrums?" She giggles at her own words and I chuckle as well. She has a point, I'm pretty moody.
"Us, a tiny version of the best of both of us. Why are you so against that?" I ask trying to figure this out.
"I'm not against it Christian. I just can't go through what I've been through again. I understand that you realize all these things you never dreamed of before are making your heart want more out of life. I totally get it and understand it. Marriage, children, sharing your life solely with one person and children for the rest of your life. It sounds amazing and for most people it is." Tears start to fall from her eyes as she displays such a vulnerability I've never seen before. I stand to move around to her but she puts up a hand to halt me. I sink back down and watch helplessly as her heart speaks.
"I just need you for one second to understand where I'm coming from. I need you to put yourself in my shoes. I'm coming from a failed marriage. I'm coming from a miscarriage. I have to raise a child with a man that used to be my whole world but now I just want to throat punch him most of the time. Then you walk in my life and completely throw me for a loop. We haven't even been together for two months yet and here we are talking about marriage and babies. I have failed so much in life that I'm completely scared of ever failing again. Yet, here we are. Look at everything you want but I'm failing you in regards to them. I can't give you what you need, Christian." She's full on crying now, but she's never looked more beautiful.
"You haven't failed me, baby." I tell her. I'm so upset at myself for causing this, causing my strong beautiful girlfriend to be reduced to this.
"I have, clearly. We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if I hadn't." She says through sniffles.
"You are everything I want and more." I tell her, my body itching to be close to her.
"I'm not. I'm a broken mess, Christian. I'm so afraid of failure that I keep my life so orderly. It was just Will and I for the longest time. We didn't stray from our normal and kept confined to our bubble. That's how I liked it and I never envisioned it changing. Then you-" she gestures to me with her hand "you start knocking over our walls inch by inch." She's breathless when she stops talking. I know she's not done, but I see the calculating look on her face alerting me that she is trying to figure out this for herself. This is what I want, but is it worth it? Am I pushing too far?
"Why does this have to be rushed? Why can't we just enjoy the moment? We are talking about marriage and a child. It's not a puppy or what's for dinner. It's a permanent decision." She is speaking to me but it comes out more like inner thoughts to herself.
"I'm not rushing you-" I start, but she cuts me off.
"You are. You are pushing me on something I'm not ready for. We've talked about this and came to a mutual agreement. Yet, here we are. You are upset and I am at a loss of what to do." She sinks even further into the chair if possible. She is completely drawn into herself. The walls are starting to shut down within in her mind.
"Ana, I love you…" say it Grey. "I'm just so scared of losing you-" her face scrunches up in confusion, like she can't believe my words. "Okay, let me start over. I love you-" I'm cut off by the doorbell chiming. I look up past her head to the door then back to her. She hasn't moved and is still looking at me.
"Baby, I think that was the doorbell." She sits up and cocks her head to the side, as if that will help her hear better. I chuckle on the inside. Again, the doorbell chimes in the dead quiet and we both jump slightly at the noise. She turns to look at me.
"What time is it?" She asks quietly, like whoever is at the door can hear us.
"11:30" I whisper back to her. Have we really been talking for over three hours? My eyes widen and that frown returns to my face. "Who's here this late?" I'm becoming protective and instinct is kicking in. I stand up and the chair skids back slightly. She stands up and waits on me to round the desk.
"I don't know…" Her voice is shaky. I hold out my hand for her and she takes it without second thought. We walk toward the front door, Ana slightly behind me. I get to the security screen by the front door and a wild knock starts. Ana closes the small gap between us and pushes herself flush against me. I wrap my arm around her small frame and pull her as close as possible. My heart is beating wildly as I check the screen to see who is at the front door. I say a silent prayer thanking Ana's dad for installing this for her. Once the screen flicks on and shows the person on the other side, Ana immediately leaves me and starts unlocking the door. She swings the door open so harshly I have to catch it before it comes off the hinges.
"Dad?" Ana's dad looks wildly at us he pulls Ana into his arms. I notice Meredith standing next to him, a look of sorrow on her face. My heart starts to sink at the prospect of reasons why they could be here.
"Ana, I have been calling you for the last hour. Why haven't you answered your phone?" He asks harshly and I see her flinch at his loud words.
"I don't have it with me. We were discussing some things in the office." Ana motions to me and it's the first time since opening the door Ray even sees me.
"Oh" I know something is wrong when he looks me in the eyes. His mouth opens then closes as he sets his eyes back on Ana.
"Why don't you both come inside?" I suggest. Whatever he is about to say is not something that should be said in the open doorway.
"Yes, come on in. Can I get you a drink or snack?" Ana, always hospitable, offers them as I close the door. They both shake their head no. We lead them to the living room, but I'm unsure of where to go. Ana sits on one couch and Meredith sits on the opposite, in front of Ana. Do I sit next to Ana or do I let Ray? Ray makes the decision for me when he sits down next to Meredith, after oddly circling the coffee table. I take my seat next to Ana, who I notice is either unaware of what's going on or just trying to be impassive. I take her hand in mine and give it a squeeze. The tenseness doesn't leave, but it does soften.
"Okay, why are you here so late?" Ana cuts to the chase immediately. Ray is staring at her as if she is made of glass.
"Where's Will?" Ray asks without even moving a muscle, eyes still trained on Ana.
"In his bed." She answers. "Dad, what is it? You're freaking me out." She implores him to tell her.
"Okay, look…" Ray takes a deep breath and I notice Meredith take his hand in hers. He doesn't remove his eyes from Ana, but his shoulders relax slightly. "Okay. Baby, it's your mom." He blurts out. Ana squints her eyes at him.
"Carla. What about Carla?" She corrects his choice of words. Ray's eyes soften even more at the correction.
"Ana, baby, your moth- Carla is dead. I got the call about two hours ago." He rushes the words out, but it seems like time stands still. My jaw drops open and I can't exactly comprehend what he said. Her mom is dead? I look at Ana, expecting an array of emotions to travel across her face, but it's as impassive as before. Maybe even more now than before.
xoEW