I DO NOT OWN FSOG.
APOV:
"Dr. Flynn will be with you in a moment." The kind older woman smiled at me as she closed the door when she left the room. My eyes shift around the rather large room, taking everything in. When I think of a therapist office, I think white walls with a long chaise to lounge on. Instead, the room was warm and comfortable. I sat down in a large, plush brown leather chair. The walls were biscotti colored besides one that was a full brick wall. Still, no matter how warm it appears I feel my spine straighten out and my fingers start to twirl a strand of hair. I'm alone for a few minutes before the wooden door swings open and a kind gentleman walks through the door.
He's tall and well built for a man who looks to be in his late 40s. His dark hair falls perfectly on his head which is a complemented by his sun kissed skin. He's not wearing a white coat like I imagined. He is dressed in khakis and a light blue button up shirt. Interesting.
"Hi Anastasia. I'm John Flynn. It's so nice to meet you." His voice sounds like my dads. Comforting, but I'm still wary about all of this.
"Ana. It's just Ana. It's nice to meet you as well, Dr. Flynn." I shake his offered hand.
"Well, if it's just Ana then just call me John." He responds with a friendly smile. I nod in agreement.
"Sorry I'm running a little late." He apologizes while getting situated in the chair across from me. He pulls out a notebook and pen, then looks up at me.
"So your father told me a little background about you after making the appointment. You see, I only deal with certain types of cases. Mostly child abuse, family, and marriage. If I happen to see anyone outside of those three categories it is because it's a special case. So, I've heard a bit from him to determine if there was even a chance I could help you. However, I would like to hear from you why you're here today." He explains himself to me. I take a deep breath and shift in the chair. Just be upfront and honest keeps playing on repeat in my head.
"I didn't have the best childhood growing up. My mother was...well, she wasn't the best mother. I couldn't live up to her expectations." I tell him with a shrug. He nods his head and jots something down on his tablet.
"Tell me about your mother. What was she like?" He asks when he finally looks up.
"Carla was mean, but only with me. She would say the most horrid things to me, but as soon as my dad walked through the door it was like a switch was flipped." I try to explain the evil witch that was Carla.
"What horrid things would she say?" He asks while looking down and writing in his notebook. I fidget with my fingers as I release a few of the things Carla would repeat constantly when I was younger.
"I would never be anything but a failure to her. She never wanted me to begin with. She reminded me of that constantly. When she wasn't constantly reminding me of being a failure, she was making fun of my physical appearance. My hair, clothes, skin color, eye color, and my body weight were all up for discussion with her. She made sure I knew how fat I was. I wasn't even fat when I was a child. I was always considered underweight for my age and height until my dad married my step mom."
"When would she say these things? Give me an example of when she would bring up your weight." He asks.
"My dad would work late nights sometimes. We would eat dinner, but our meals would never be the same. She made herself beautiful meals while I got crackers, a slice of cheese, and some days I got slices of ham. As soon as we would sit at the table, she would begin about my weight. 'If I wasn't so fat I would be able to eat a healthy meal like her.' I would go to bed starving every night and my stomach would make god awful noises." I explain as a shudder radiates through my body remembering the pain I experienced because of hunger. It eventually faded and it was just normal.
"How did your father come to learn about what your mother was really doing?" He asks.
"He came home early one night. He had a huge truck when I was younger and you could always hear him when he pulled up. It was Carla's signal to get whatever insults she could in. However, this night, his friend dropped him off. He was trying to sneak up on us to surprise us. Instead he was surprised when he found Carla giving me a pinch test for body fat, where she was circling the problem areas on my body, and how she was berating me for having a cupcake at school for Janice Jones's birthday. She gave an excuse that he didn't buy, but he ignored it until the next morning when he filed for divorce and full custody."
"Did that end your relationship with your mother?" He is continually writing while also looking at me concerned.
"No, the court awarded my mom weekends. Even if I didn't want to go, I was forced to go see her until the court ordered social worker overheard my mom explaining to her new boyfriend that I was a failure and obese. She said the only way a man would be with me is if she paid them." My stomach rolls at the memory. Where is all this coming from and why am I freely sharing it? I place my fingers over my mouth, attempting to lock up all the things I've spent years putting away.
"Ana, you are doing great. I know it's a shock, but when your mind decides it's time to fix something, memories that we aren't aware our brain even kept come back. It's okay, just let it all out. This is your safe place to do so." Dr. Flynn explains as he leans forward. I nod in agreement, but remain quiet.
"You married young and had a child. Kind of proved your mom wrong, huh?" His question is casual and makes me look up at him. I smile as I think of Will.
"Well, I thought I had. I figured I had finally beat the idea of failure until I found out he cheated on me." I chuckle morbidly. I honestly thought I had finally done something right in my life. Not one person was disappointed or upset with me. Dr. Flynn's face displays shock but he quickly hides it.
"Walk me through your relationship with-" he pauses for me to fill in the blank.
"Ethan." He nods giving me the go ahead.
"I met Ethan at school. It was a private boarding school, so him and his sister stayed at the school. I was a local so I lived close by. We were all so close. He was my best friend. Then one day, it changed. We became more. It was natural. Next thing I know, he proposed, we got married, had Will, then we divorced. It was so incredibly quick. I thought I was cursed when I found out he cheated. I just knew Carla had cursed me." I give him the quick story of our relationship.
"What did you go through when you found out Ethan cheated?" He questions.
"I didn't have time to grieve for my marriage or husband. I had a young child and he was my number one concern."
"You didn't give yourself time to really mourn the ending of your relationship? You just went about like nothing changed?" He questions with a tilt of the head.
"Well, we divorced quickly after. It was done and I couldn't change what happened. So, no. I didn't mourn a relationship that was legally done." I'm nervous now and I know my jitters show it.
"Where do you and Ethan stand now?"
"He is very active with Will. He gets him every other weekend as he is a doctor with a hectic schedule. If he has free nights or days, he comes to get him." I answer him.
"That's good, Ana. But I want to know where you and Ethan stand?" He asks with a more stern voice.
"He's the father of my child. That's it. He tries…" I begin to say my thoughts that are running wild.
"Don't stop. Let it out Ana." He gives his support. I can't keep my thoughts straight though and my mouth begins to move without my consent.
"He wants us to get back together, but I don't want that. I've met a new man. His name is Christian and he is so good to Will and myself. He wants to marry me and have children with me, but I can't give him that. I'm scared I'll fail again." My eyes bug out at my admission.
"I think I see where it all boils down to now. I have a few more questions, then I'll discuss my therapy suggestion for you." I nod at him to continue.
"On your medical records-" my mouth drops open as he begins to speak. I forgot he would have access to my medical records. "it shows you miscarried. What happened around that time?" He questions me softly, knowing this is a hard topic for anyone.
"Ethan cheating." Once again my mouth beats my brain.
"I see. How did he take it?" His soft eyes find mine.
"He doesn't know." I answer stoically.
"We're you scared of his actions if you told him?" I feel like he is privy to all of my inner thoughts. He knows me better than I know myself.
"I was scared of his actions towards himself." I explain while fidgeting with a peppermint I grabbed from the front desk. I don't even like peppermints.
"How did you handle it?" He closes his tablet and tucks his pen away, already knowing the answer.
"I didn't. I didn't feel anything." I look him straight in the eye while responding. He nods as if he already has the puzzle figured out. I wish I had the same confidence and answers.
"My suggestion is we have a combination of therapy. We will work with ACT and humanistic. This combination will help us get through the brainwashing you suffered at the hands of your mother and the mental abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex husband. Also, it will give us a clear path on how to move forward. I think we should meet once every two weeks for the next two months. We can schedule additional sessions in between if need be. Sound good?" He questions me.
"Sounds good." I smile at him while gathering my purse. I can't believe it's been an hour already.
"Before you leave, I want to discuss your goal until our next session." He halts me from getting up. He waits until he has my full attention before continuing.
"Your goal is to do something you've always wanted to do, but you've been afraid of due to your mother's antics. It can be small or big, but just do something you've been craving to do." I nod my head in agreement.
Dr. Flynn and I say our goodbyes. I walk out of his office feeling a little flustered. I still don't understand how I spoke of things I didn't even remember. I shake my head and run a hand through my hair. When I look up at my car, an unexpected face is leaning against my door.
"What are you doing here?" I question as a smile finally appears on my face.
"Did you honestly think I wouldn't be here for you after that? I'm not letting you do this alone." His deep, gruffy voice responds as he pulls me into a hug.
"I love you, Dad." I tell him with tears thick in my throat.
"I love you too, baby. This is the right step." He tells me as he holds my tighter. I pull away from him and smile in agreement.
"So, what shall we do the rest of the day?" He asks me as he opens the door for me then walks around to the passenger side.
"Where's your truck?" I question him as he climbs in the jeep with me.
"I took a cab here. So that means you will have to take me home or Mere will have to come get me." We buckle up and I start the vehicle. Now we only need a destination. We both look at each other, our faces mirroring each other's contemplation.
"How about we start with lunch? One of those 'everything on the menu is bad for you' places that Mere doesn't like us going to." He offers smugly.
"Alright, I know just the place for food like that." I smile back at him as I pull out of the parking lot. It means the world to me that he is here and I would do whatever he wanted right now just to say thank you. Even if it means eating the greasiest food in the world, I'll do it.
I'm sorry it has been quite some time since my last update I'm still sick unfortunately. Actually, I'm uploading this chapter from my phone as I wait for another round of X-rays and testing. This chapter probably has tons of mistakes, so please forgive me .
xoEW