Warnings: Mentions of death, mentions of abuse, mentions of bonding

Chapter 11

Staying away from Sam was one of the hardest things Gabriel had ever done. It seemed the more distance he put between them, the harder it was to breathe. This wasn't normal, and Gabriel was aware enough to realize that. Over the years, he had been with a great many people, had been fond of them, but never like this. It wasn't until he got some distance and was pacing his living room with Xander off playing, that Gabriel realized how unnatural this was.

It didn't make sense. He had seen this kind of bond before both in Heaven and on Earth, but never the two combined. While he had been playing pagan god a long time, he was in truth, an archangel. Anything that happened to him, anything which would cause him harm, was stopped by his grace, not his pagan magic. Unlike any other angel who was away from the Host, an archangel could never truly be cut off from Heaven.

Gabriel had long ago learnt how to hide his grace as magic, but this? This was affecting him right down to his core. His very grace was screaming at him to be close to the youngest Winchester, was begging him to close the gap between them. It had hit Gabriel suddenly and unexpectedly, the sensation of being ripped apart the longer he was away from Sam. Thankfully he had placed his own charm on Sam to monitor his wellbeing, as he was certain this bond was only not killing him because he knew his mate was safe.

Mate.

It was a word Gabriel had never thought he would be able to use, one he believed to have given up the moment he left Heaven. He had been one of the archangels, and as such there were a limited number of angels he had truly been able to mate with. With his power level, any angel Gabriel chose would have had to match him or become completely subservient to him through the bond. While he had known any of the lower ranking angels would have jumped at the chance, even at the cost of their will, Gabriel hadn't wanted it, not at that cost.

There were only three other angels in the universe with enough power to match him, to have an even bond. Before the Fall, before everything fell apart, he had thought perhaps one of his older brothers would have courted him. There was also the chance Father would create another for him, Gabriel had always hoped for someone to share his grace with, something Raphael teased him about constantly.

Then Lucifer fell.

Michael closed himself off for having to lock his brother away.

Raphael became nothing more than a cold empty shell of who he once was.

Father left.

Gabriel ran.

How many nights did he wait before the he left? Nights spent hoping things would go back to how they once were. How many days did Gabriel listen to his brothers fighting, to the cries of pain only he could hear? While they were 'tuned in' to the constant stream of thoughts of other angels, archangels had their own 'frequency' only they could use. It was this Michael and Raphael repeatedly, constantly, used against him.

Gabriel had never been one to enjoy fighting. While he was better than anyone except his two eldest brothers, he hated it. He hated it when it was verbal, when he had the degrading thoughts of Raphael and Michael in his head. He hated it when he could see some of the younger angels were brought into the fighting by his brothers. He hated having to raise his sword to defend himself.

Eventually Gabriel found himself beyond hate, too tired for hate, too tired for fighting. They had broken him in a way where he didn't know how he would survive. With no Father to aid him, with his prayers and pleas going unanswered Gabriel did the only thing he could. He fled. It hadn't been easy, to stay away from the Host he had needed to also stay away from the bloodline they could track him with.

While not perfect Gabriel had hopped from vessel to vessel for a while, making sure to leave before his presence harmed the body too much. It wasn't until he stumbled across one of the pagans Gabriel wondered if there was something more he could do. It had taken him a decade; however, he did eventually manage to track down a god who could help him. For the price of an angel feather Gabriel was shown how to create his own vessel.

It was challenging work, and it took Gabriel changing his own vessel twice more before his fabricated one was complete. Being inside a vessel with no soul was different, empty but freeing in the same way. While he lost the boost of power he could use from having a soul inside of the vessel, Gabriel didn't have to worry about this one burning out. For a long time, he had wondered, not really having a destination in mind.

Eventually he began his pranks, just insignificant things at first to those who pissed him off. While he tried to hide his angelic self, he was still the Archangel of Justice. Eventually Gabriel gained the attention of other gods, specifically those of Asgard, the rest they say, is history.

Gabriel had loved his life as a god, although even there he wasn't accepted, not really. Still had played one so long that if he was honest with himself, he had forgotten what it was like to truly be an archangel. Gabriel had pushed all those thoughts, those instincts, so deep it was a wonder they were still there. Up until he saw Samuel Winchester.

Now things were different, the part of himself that was purely pagan, Loki, was fighting him. Pagans didn't bond like this, in fact they were better known for not bonding at all. Archangels though, they were made of and for pure love, the love of their father followed by the love of those He created and their mates. Gabriel had no doubt Sam was his mate, the problem was he didn't understand how.

Mates were a bonding of grace, where angels would combine their grace together to complete the bond leaving a sliver of grace in each other. It was a way to always know how your mate was, a way to never be separated from them. It was beautiful and honored, something all angels respected. If one of the mates were to pass, it was not uncommon for the other to do so as well, it was not a dishonorable way to die.

Soulmates worked much the same way, although humans often didn't even realize the bond they had. People when they were truly in love and with the mate to their soul, could share some of it with their chosen. Unlike angels, this was done without their knowledge, and while they may have a 'sixth' sense if something horrible came to their mate, it was nothing like a grace-bond. It was no less beautiful, no less wonderful to see, just on a more human scale.

This still shouldn't be possible, everything in Gabriel's grace was aching for Sam, even just to be in the same room as the man. He knew Sam was missing him as well, could feel it through the charm, but not like this. Sam felt it at a human level, Gabriel at an angelic one. The question was, did he tell Sam? The human would feel the need to be together, but Gabriel would burn from the inside out until they bonded.

There were things he could do to help ease the pain. The charm was one of them, something Gabriel had done before he realized what he was doing. It would allow him to know if any harm came to his mate and thus would ease the burning to be at his side. Keeping in constant contact with the human would help as well, right now his grace was trying to complete the bond so the human would be protected. It was for this reason Gabriel had never bonded with another angel. Because Sam was weaker than his grace it wanted to protect him, to share his power with Sam's soul.

Gabriel had no way of knowing if it would harm Sam. While his grace would never intentionally harm the human, he didn't know if Sam would be able to withstand it. Sam was built for the grace of his brother, not for Gabriel's. While it wouldn't be the same level as a possession, it could still harm him. It was why this was impossible, why he had never considered the idea of mating a human. Angels shared grace, humans shared souls.

Sam had no grace to offer.

Gabriel had no soul.

Oh Father, what was he supposed to do?

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