Hermione: Harry, you're not going to find anything to convince Slughorn to give you the memory by reading that bloody book.
Ron: But Hermione, you always talking about learning from books.
Hermione: Learning stuff for our lessons from books.
Harry: This is for one of my lessons.
Hermione: Not an official one.
Harry: And besides, you don't know if I've found anything or not.
Hermione: Have you?
Harry: …maybe… *thoughts* Note to self: check what this Sectumsempra spell does.
Ron: Anyway Hermione, can you do a quick spell check on my essay? It doesn't look right to me for some reason.
Hermione: Okay, let's see…Ron, what word is that meant to be?
Ron: It's meant to be 'cat', duh.
Hermione: Uh huh, and why is it spelt with a 4?
Ron: Cat's always had a 4 in it. Silly Hermione.
Harry: Okay, in all seriousness, I know you're not that smart, but how the hell did you fuck up a word that badly?
Ron: I didn't. I was using a quill I bought from Fred and George…
Harry: Say no more.
Hermione: *sigh* I guess I'll fix this.
Ron: Thank you. Oh, by the way, how do I break up with Lavender?
Hermione: Wait, what? I thought you liked her.
Ron: When did I ever say that?
Harry: Maybe the fact that every interaction you've had with her starts with *kissing noises*
Ron: But Harry, that's how every interaction I have with you goes.
Harry: Unfortunately.
Hermione: Well anyway Ron, the best way to do it is to… *suddenly loud crack fills the room*
Kreacher: Kreacher has a report to make to the blood traitor.
Harry: Oh, excellent.
Hermione: Harry, what is going on? *another loud crack fills the room*
Dobby: And Dobby's here too.
Harry: Excellent. What have you got for me? Did you find out where Malfoy's going when he goes off the map?
Kreacher: We did.
Harry: …and?
Kreacher: Kreacher does not wish to say.
Harry: Ah, I see you're pulling my stunt of being as unhelpful as possible within the constraints of your orders. As annoying as that is, I can respect it.
Kreacher: So you will not try to find out Master Malfoy's intentions?
Harry: Of course I will. Why do you think I had Dobby do it too?
Kreacher: Dobby, I swear if you tell him anything, I'll…
Dobby: Dobby saw his ex-master going into the Room of Requirement, sir.
Kreacher: Damn it Dobby, I'm going to give you such a pounding.
Dobby: Why do you think Dobby told him? *winks at Kreacher before disappearing with a loud crack*
Kreacher: I'mma fuck him up *disappears with a loud crack*
Harry: You know, the Room of Requirement is something I really should have thought of, given how extensively we used it last year.
Hermione: Harry, ignoring your blatant misuse of house elf slavery…
Harry: Hey, Dobby chose to listen to me.
Hermione: …you also have no idea which of the millions of uses Malfoy is using the Room of Requirement for.
Harry: Hermione, you don't understand. All I have to do is think really hard about getting where Malfoy is, and I'm in.
Ron: But Crabbe and Goyle will be outside, and who knows what they'll look like.
Harry: Yes, I'm sure I won't recognise the one or two people suspiciously standing outside where the Room of Requirement is.
Ron: Exactly, you'll have no idea who they are.
Harry: Ron, you clearly haven't figured out sarcasm, so let me spell this out to you: Crabbe and Goyle are idiots. Malfoy won't have given them complex instructions, because they won't understand them. They're probably being told 'stand here, make noise if someone's coming'. Even they can't screw that up too badly.
Hermione: Don't underestimate them.
Harry: I thought I was overestimating them.
Hermione: Anyway, I'm going to bed, but Harry, in the morning we're going to have a talk about owning a slave in the twentieth century *leaves*
Harry: Well, I better get some sleep too. I've got a whole day of stalking and unravelling Malfoy's plans tomorrow *leaves*
Ron: Wait guys, how do I beak up with Lavender? Guys? Hello?
*the next day*
Hermione: How'd trying to figure out what Malfoy's up to go?
Harry: *banging his head against the table in depression* I have tried thinking every combination of 'the room Malfoy's using' that I can think of, and nothing's worked.
Ron: Well, since you two are here, you might as well help me with…
Hermione: Harry, you can't beat Malfoy. You might as well just focus on the Slughorn thing, since Dumbledore asked you to do it.
Harry: No, I'm going to try again. This time when he's actually in there.
Ron: But seriously, can we talk about…
Hermione: Harry, this pursuit of yours is just dumb.
Harry: Yeah, but at least I know how to make progress on it.
Ron: Guys, I need…
Harry: When did you say you were going for the Apparation test? Saturday?
Hermione: Yeah, why?
Harry: Perfect, I know Malfoy will be there then. He always misses things when he knows everyone else will be occupied.
Ron: Can we please talk about…
Harry: Ron, you know damn well we're ignoring you on purpose.
*Saturday*
Harry: *wearing the Invisibility Cloak* Okay, let's see if this works *sneaks up on a "girl" standing outside the Room of Requirement and leans in extremely close* Hey, you're a pretty thing, aren't you?
"Girl": DUH?! *looking around panicked and sees nothing anywhere* DUH! *runs away screaming* DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!
Harry: Hmm, that might have been a little too rapey. Oh well, it was in the original book, so it must be fine *tries walking back and forth* I want to see where Malfoy is. Come on man, let me see where Malfoy…
Tonks: Harry?
Harry: *taking off the cloak* What the fuck are you doing here?
Tonks: I'm on guard duty here, remember?
Harry: Wouldn't you be a better guard OUTSIDE the castle, where intruders are going to come from? There's zero chance of an invasion coming from inside. So again, why are you even in here?
Tonks: I suppose you've got a point. I just wanted to talk to Dumbledore.
Harry: His office is four floors down and on the other side of the castle.
Tonks: Huh, so it is. Hey, uh, you haven't heard from any of the members of the Order, have you? Possibly a former teacher of yours, or someone who was friends with your dad?
Harry: No, I haven't heard from Lupin.
Tonks: Oh…that's disappointing *looks sad*
Harry: Would it cheer you up if you got to beat me up for calling you a woman again?
Tonks: *suddenly smiling again* That would cheer me up *blasts Harry hard enough that he flies through the wall of the castle*
Harry: *while falling* Hmm, why does it feel like the only plot progression in this chapter was finding out Malfoy was in the Room of Requirement? That seems very… *sees the ground coming up fast* OH SHI…