Chapter 5 - Late

EPOV

The sound of her breathing was providing me with serenity than I'd felt in months. Steady and even, just like her heartbeat. I gazed down at her, a small smile tugging at my downturned lips. Her body was twisted around me, gripping to me like a vice. A swathe of chestnut brown hair was splayed across my sweater-clad chest and the pillows of my bed, and I was grateful that I would have her scent lingering here long after she left.

She looked peaceful, for this moment at least. She was sleeping beneath me, my arms wrapped around her waist with her head resting against me. This was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. I wasn't sure anything could pry me away from her now that she was here. My return had been unplanned, but it had been exactly what we both needed.

I had been foolish to assume that my leaving would allow Bella to forget me. Why had I underestimated the intensity of her feelings? Why had I downplayed her expression of her love for me? Bella's honesty with me was never something I should have allowed myself to question. My family had fought with me, warned me against the decision and urged me to reconsider. Alice was the most persistent – insisting that she could see how this would turn out, and that the outcome wouldn't be positive. But when I searched her mind for clues of our departure negatively impacting Bella I couldn't see anything beyond the typical heartbreak that I expected she would experience and recover from given a bit of time and space. I had figured it would be a small price to pay in the present to ensure her future was bright, full and promising.

And now I still felt as though I couldn't provide her with the kind of future she was most deserving of and that assuming I knew what was best for her had been part of the problem, to begin with. I had to trust her to make decisions for herself and for her life. And currently, she wanted her life to include me. I didn't know where we would be a few hours from now, especially given how angry and hurt Bella had been only hours before this. But for now, she wanted me to hold her while she slept and she didn't want me to leave.

I could live with that.

Time was passing, though at a crawl. Bella had arrived at our home at 9 am, left by 9:30 am and arrived at back at our home with me by 10:15 am. I glanced at the clock above my desk:

6pm.

She's been sleeping for hours. I thought, my concern mounting as the hours ticked past.

And no wonder. She's so incredibly frail. My hand glided across her arm, wrapping around her wrist. I easily conjured the images of her shouting at all of us earlier this morning, of my hand grabbing her wrist to prevent her from leaving. I had felt it then, too. Her breakable body felt as though it would shatter beneath even the lightest of touches now. Time had come and gone since my departure and, if possible, she felt even more fragile to me now than before.

I glanced down at her, noticing how the warm wool blanket clung to the bony edges of her figure. I studied her, noting how much she had changed in such a short period of time. Her once full cheeks were now sallow and sunken, dragging her round eyes down with them. Her hair no longer glistened when it caught the light, but looked dull and flat. Her once poised shoulders sunk in and her head was in what appeared to be a constant bow, as though facing the world was much too troubling and exhausting for her. She was a waif, a shell of her former self.

But more than that, I noticed the shift in her demeanor, in the way she held herself and moved. Every movement she made was slow and deliberate, and there were moments when she winced in pain, even during the lightest of activity. There was no other explanation for why the simplest of tasks now required so much of her focus and energy.

Maybe she's become clumsier as a result of her depression? I quickly tossed that thought out of my head. Bella was clumsy, but I knew that couldn't be why she seemed to be in constant pain now. That didn't make any sense.

What is happening to my sweet Bella? My thoughts felt like fire coursing through me. No matter how much I tried to understand what was going on or interpret her body and its outward protest of her inner pain I couldn't. Her refusal to share with me was beyond frustrating, but I supposed for this moment I couldn't request much more of her. I had contributed to her brokenness and I was terrified if I pushed too much and too hard she would leave.

She shifted beneath me and I sighed in contentment. Having her here, next to me, was satisfying beyond measure. I couldn't fix her problems in this moment, but at least she was here with me, under my protection, alive and breathing.

Alive. But will she stay this way?

I was torn between the instinctive need to stay here with Bella and the instinctive need to more proactively contributing to securing her safety. I needed to speak with my family and concoct some sort of plan that involved figuring out what was happening to and what we would need to do to protect her. I wanted to know if Alice had experienced any changes to her visions of Bella's future. I tried to listen to her thoughts, hoping they would alert me to any changes.

"Nothing has changed, Edward." I heard her call to me from upstairs, her voice barely above a whisper but as clear to me as it would have been had she been she standing right in front of me. But Alice's words provided me with little comfort. Although Bella's future, the one where she died, hadn't returned, that didn't mean it wouldn't. I knew that if we couldn't figure out what was happening to Bella we would never be able to secure a future for her that allowed her to live. Her secrets were dangerous.

My plan had been to scour the town and listen to the thoughts of people connected to Bella to see if I could hear anything that would give me a clue, but being near Bella had triumphed instead. I was glad for my decision now, especially when I came upon her unraveling in her truck.

I would never forget the sound of her sorrowful cries. They pierced through me like nothing ever had before. This moment didn't even begin to compare to the pain of what James had done, or what Jasper had tried to do. This was far worse because I knew that Bella's pain was partly my responsibility. I had felt responsible for situations that had put her in danger before, but this was different. This was a pain I couldn't fix with my strength, my speed or any other part of my immortal nature.

Something deep within her was broken, shattered.

I could feel it, see it and sense it.

And I knew it went far deeper than I could even begin to comprehend. But forcing her to share with me what the past seven months had been like would only drive her further away.

There is something she's desperately trying to hide. Something she would do anything to keep us from knowing about her.

My mind analyzed everything within the realm of possibilities, but nothing made sense. I decided I would gently press the issue with her, and stop whenever I felt it was veering toward her abandoning the conversation altogether. I would have to work to keep her close.

Although I had spent months away from this beautiful human sleeping soundly beneath me, I still knew her mind well. I knew her mind, I felt, more intimately than any mind I'd ever been inside of, without ever needing to read her thoughts. That's what happened, I supposed, when you were created for each other.

Created for each other.

That thought played about in my mind, feeling heavy and warm at the same time. Heavy because I knew that being with me meant exposing her to perpetual danger, but warm because it felt more right than anything else ever had.

Does that make me a monster? I wondered to myself. And if it did make me a monster, did it matter anymore? I knew I couldn't bear to leave her again. I knew I wouldn't be able to muster the courage to do it. And it wouldn't be right, not anymore. I had to honour Bella's needs and her wishes. She wanted this. I wasn't sure what she meant when she said don't go. But for now, I would take her words literally and I wouldn't leave her side until she banished me from it.

I snapped from my internal dialogue when I felt her shift beneath me. Her breathing picked up pace quickly and her heart was beating faster than it had before.

I placed a hand on her back, tracing small circles on it over top her sweater, an action that had become second nature from my time with Bella before I left her. Being close and together in this way had become so commonplace for us that it was an easy habit to fall back into.

I realized my mistake when she jerked away from me while her eyes remained closed. She began thrashing, tossing her head side to side, as she pushed away from me, our bodies losing every point of contact now. Her small hands grasped the sheets beneath her and tears began pouring out of her tightly closed eyes.

"Stop." The sound ground out from between her clenched teeth, strained and ragged, a sound one might make when trying to swim upstream against an overwhelming current.

She spoke this one word and it chilled my entire body, as venom flooded my mouth – a primal, animalistic reaction to seeing my mate in pain.

"Please," she groaned, throwing her head into the pillow next to her, still clutching onto the sheets with as much strength as her small body held. I bristled next to her, unsure of what to do. If I touched her now, would that frighten her, too?

Will it frighten her because I'm the one she's having nightmares about? My body went rigid and still as I watched her cry in horror beside me. It felt as though I was being split in half, each cry delivering another blow meant to tear me to shreds.

"Bella," I murmured, almost inaudibly. I was terrified of scaring her.

"No," she choked out before an accompanying scream escaped her, her body lurching forward as her eyes shot open, wild and desperate looking.

She whipped her head around, searching for something. She stiffened and her breathing began to falter, as she gasped for air, clutching at her fabric of the turtleneck bunched up around her neck just below her jawline. Her body hunched forward as her gasping became more and more desperate.

In an instant, the door to the bedroom flew open. Carlisle was next to Bella before I could even speak. He knelt next to her on the bed, his hands extended before him in what appeared to be a show of surrender.

"Panic attack. We need to bring her back from it. Speak to her, Edward. Help her find her equilibrium." I nodded in recognition. I slowly moved so I was in front of her, kneeling on the bed. I extended a hand to reach for her own, slowing all of my movements to what I hoped would be a non-threatening speed.

"Bella, love." My hand connected with hers and she screamed a blood curdling scream as she wrenched her hand away from mine, holding it close to her chest as though it was lit aflame.

But I didn't move.

"It's me. It's Edward."

"Bella, you're ok. We're here with you," Carlisle whispered. Bella's head was shaking as though in disbelief, but her breathing slowed a fraction.

"Look at me, Bella. Please, love. Look at me. It's Edward. I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't hurt you," I reached out again, desperate to make contact with her in some way. I placed my hand on top of hers and this time she allowed me to. I noted how rigid and tense she was, but slowly she began to relax.

"Breathe deeply now. Slow breaths, in and out." Carlisle's voice was steady and reassuring, providing me with comfort as well. I began breathing in the way he'd instructed Bella to, in and out to try and encourage her to do the same. She inhaled sharply, hiccoughing from the aftermath of her sobs, trying to pull in slow, deep breaths.

"That's it. Just like that." Carlisle's words, though well intentioned, had reignited a frenzy in Bella and she rushed away from us, her body colliding with the headboard of my bed. She pressed her back against it with such desperation that it appeared as though she was trying to disappear into it.

I moved forward, and squared my body in front of hers, taking her face between my hands, locking my eyes onto hers.

"Bella. You are safe. I am here." I spoke in short sentences wanting her to hear and understand my words. I watched as her shoulders fell and some of the tension left her body. She was still shaking, trying to inhale air, becoming more panicked at the lack of oxygen.

"Breathe slowly," I suggested, emulating what I wanted her to do as I breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. She looked into my eyes, and I saw the terror begin to fade away, melting away at the anxious angles and edges of her body.

We stayed like that for a few moments, focusing on our breathing, allowing her body to calm and return to a place of equilibrium. Her small, warm hands reached up and she placed them atop my own, holding my hands to her face as her gaze fell.

Wordlessly, Bella inched further down the bed and I followed her. Still struggling to remain steady and even, she lay on her side, closing her eyes. I lay next to her, no longer touching her but positioned exactly as she was. I listened to her breathing and her heart rate and followed their rhythms until I could sense she was sleeping.

This had been a disturbing confirmation of what we all already knew. Someone was hurting Bella. I knew I needed to speak with my family, but I also knew I didn't want to leave her side, even if it was only for a few minutes. I was afraid I'd leave and she would wake up in a panic as she had before, but this time completely alone.

I could hear Esme, Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle convening outside of my bedroom, discussing ways to pull me away from Bella long enough to talk. Once I was sure Bella was asleep I joined them, taking comfort in knowing that I was only steps away and could monitor her breathing and heart from here.

The moment I stepped outside the room and pulled the door closed Carlisle began to speak.

"If she leaves tonight you must follow her, Edward. Don't let her out of your sight." I stiffened at his words, my eyes wide and fixated on his.

"We should have paid more careful attention to Alice's vision. Something is very, very wrong." Concern framed his words and this only served to heighten my own worry. Carlisle, the head of our family and the most collected and calm of us looked horrified by what had just transpired with Bella.

I nodded in agreement before stepping away and back into the room with Bella, the weight of everything crashing down around me.

BPOV

I opened my eyes to reveal an empty bed in front of me. Where was I? I could feel the panic building in me as I tried to understand where I was and what was happening.

I glanced around the room, noticing the brilliant cherry wood bed post, impressive CD collection lining the wall opposite me and the wide floor to ceiling glass windows. And then my memory returned. I was in Edward's home. I had come here after breaking down in his arms in my truck. He had taken me here and I had asked him to hold me as I slept.

I noticed the deep pain radiating down my back, across my chest, and into my thighs. I shifted uncomfortably and reached a hand up toward my face, feeling how puffy and tear streaked it was.

Oh god. He saw me… he saw what I become when I sleep. My body folded inwards at the thought of Edward and Carlisle witnessing my hysteria after waking up from a nightmare. It happened often, and usually, Charlie was the one to pull me back in, reminding me of where I was and who was with me. I hadn't wanted them to see it, too.

They were much more perceptive than Charlie and they might read more into the panic attack than I would like. Could I explain this one away as well? Would they accept my explanation if I tried to attribute it to my broken soul and heart?

Truthfully, the nightmares started the night he left and had never stopped. They had only grown worse and more vivid since he left. They had evolved to include more than just Edward leaving me…

"Bella?" Edward said as he opened the door. I looked at him, trying to produce a convincing smile.

"I'm still here." He was at the bedside in a flash, staring down at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing toward the spot next to me on the bed. I nodded. I watched in awe as his exquisite body lay next to mine, his eyes holding my own in an intense gaze.

Again, he was searching, looking into my eyes to try and find the answers he was desperate for, but couldn't pull from me. I knew in this moment, without having to read his mind that he wished he could read my own.

"Bella…" he began, his brow furrowed, eyes filled with misery.

"I'm sorry," I offered, recoiling away from him.

Convince him. Remember he can read more than your voice. Don't show your dishonesty in your body language. I tried to loosen my stiff muscles and joints.

"Look, I know that was probably difficult for you and Carlisle to see…"

"Yes. It was. But it didn't bother or inconvenience us if that's what you're thinking. We're worried about you."

Dammit, how did he know me so well?

"I know. That makes sense, given how much of a mess I've been since you came back."

"You're not a mess."

"Yes, I am. But you have to understand…" I could hear my voice cracking as I spoke, but I pushed on, "when you left, you took everything I had with you. I've been just a shell of who I used to be. The nightmares and panic attacks… they're just part of who I am now."

At least it wasn't a lie. This really was what I had become. I just couldn't allow them to know why.

You're a horrible, terrible person. I chastised myself mentally as I watched Edward's face twisted in anguish. I would never forgive myself for making him feel like I had become this solely because of him. He had hurt me, but I wasn't this broken because he left.

I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I could live with being a terrible, awful person. But I could not – would not - live without Edward in this world.

"I can't begin to tell you…"

"Then don't. Please," I begged, "It's done, Edward. I…" I wanted to so badly to tell him that I forgave him, but I couldn't.

"You made me feel… you told me you didn't love me. That you couldn't love me. You said I was…" I choked on the words but pushed them out anyway "you told me I was no good for you." He nodded, reaching a hand out toward my face. I pulled away and his hand returned to his side. I sat upright, trying to hide the sharp pain shooting through my body as it protested against the movement. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my head on my knee, facing toward Edward.

"I lied." He sat upright and locked his eyes on the wall in front of us.

"I don't believe you. I can't…" These words were true.

"I know."

"But I want to…" He nodded again.

"Bella… please be honest with me?" His voice was strained and full of apprehension. I prickled at his words, preparing for him to pull apart my lies and reveal the ugly truth.

"Sure." I wasn't even remotely sure. I was petrified and trying my very hardest to conceal how I felt. I was starting to tremble, despite my efforts to contain it.

"Please, tell me… is something else going on?"

I stopped breathing for a moment, warring parts of myself screaming at me from within my mind. I wanted to tell him because I wanted it to stop. But once he knew, he would never touch me again. I would be foul and tainted and not worthy of another drop of love or kindness from him or anyone else.

And then there were the images of Edward's family being torn to shreds – above all else those images were the biggest motivators in keeping this secret. I couldn't be responsible for the destruction of everything that meant anything to me.

I lowered my voice and spoke the words harshly, trying to relay my conviction "Is this not enough for you?" I gestured toward myself, emphasizing my brokenness.

"Am I not broken enough for you yet?" I jumped up from the bed, wincing at the pain the movement had caused. I watched his eyes flash in recognition of my pain.

"What's that about then, Bella? Why does the slightest movement cause you pain?" He gestured toward my body, his eyes alight with fire and burning. His voice was low and I imagined to any other human it might have been menacing. But not to me. I trusted Edward wholly and completely to never hurt me… not in a physical way, anyway.

"I've been reckless since you left," I shot back, sending him an icy glare, "I went cliff diving. It didn't end as well as I'd hoped". It was true, sort of. A month after Edward left me, I'd begun searching for ways to find him again. The closer I came to danger, the closer I came to Edward. It was months ago and not the reason for the battery my body was a canvas for today, but he didn't need to know that. It was the best excuse I could manufacture. And mixing truth with lies seemed like the least complicated way to float this narrative.

"Cliff diving?" He asked wildly, his eyes filled with horror.

"Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? That I would jump off a damn cliff to be near you!" I shouted now, allowing real emotions to poke through the façade I was trying to build to keep him at bay. The glimmers of honesty that found their way into our conversation were making this all the more convincing.

"What do you mean you jumped off of a cliff, Bella?! Have you no regard for your life?" The moment he uttered the words I watched his face fall. He regretted the question the moment he voiced it.

"No. Not really. Not anymore." I folded my arms across my chest, trying to shield myself from his searching eyes.

"How did you… survive that?"

"Jacob Black."

"What?"

His eyes blackened and his voice lowered.

"Is that a problem? I saw a few of the Quileute kids doing it… and decided it would maybe be dangerous enough that it would make you appear to me again... I almost drowned but Jacob found me, pulled me onto the shore and saved my life. At that point I didn't think it would matter much to you anyway if I died."

"Do you have any idea how dangerous they are –"

"Yes." I cut him off before he could continue. I felt the panic bubbling inside of me intensify, but I pushed it down using the last bit of strength I had to keep it from bubbling to the surface again.

I knew exactly how dangerous werewolves could be.

The thought caused bile to rise in my throat, and my skin to clam up.

Keep it together. Whatever you do, keep it together!

"You know then?" He asked, his eyes, softer now, searching my face as he tried to decipher my words.

"Yes. I know that some of them are werewolves, if that's what you mean. They don't phase very often anymore, with no vampires around."

"You must to stay away from them," his voice was acid and venom tangling around the words, slung at me like a tonne of bricks hitting me square in the chest. I felt winded, and I struggled to suck the air back into my lungs. I had to hold on. I couldn't let him see this.

"You are not my keeper, Edward. You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do. You don't get a say – not anymore."

"I'm sorry." He stepped toward me, hands outstretched his face alight with his awareness of his misstep.

"Don't - " I was going to continue, to add on layer after layer of lies to help convince him of my story but I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, stopping me midsentence.

I pulled it from my pocket and glanced down at it. The first thing I noticed was the time:

9:23pm

The room began to spin around me.

I was late.

Then I noticed the message waiting for me:

I'm waiting. And I'm not a patient man.

Every part of my body wanted to collapse onto the bed, but I couldn't. This would end so, so badly. I couldn't run from him now. There was too much at stake.

I pushed my legs to move, trying to refocus the room so I could see where I was going.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"Nothing. I… I have… I have to go," I stammered out.

"Please don't leave." He stepped toward me as he spoke and I backed away, pressing against the wall behind me.

"I can't stay. It's too much. I need space… to think." I tried to even out my voice, trying to slough off the filth that his text message had left me coated in.

"Let me drive you home, then," he offered. I shook my head.

"I don't… I don't want to be near you right now. It… it just hurts." He stilled, standing before me like a statue. Before he could try to interfere again I turned on my heel and ran out the door.

Move faster! You know what happens if you're late!

I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time, hoping against hope that I wouldn't lose my footing and fall. My legs were carrying me, my body knowing what it needed to do as it ignored the desperate pleas of my mind altogether. I could hear Alice calling after me, but I kept running.

Do something to make sure they don't follow you!

I stopped in front of my truck, the bright light of the moon illuminating me. I watched as Alice, Edward and Carlisle stepped onto the front deck, their eyes surveying me with concern.

"I'm fine. I need to process all of this. I need space. Please, understand that. Give me the time I need. I'll come back… I promise" My voice cracked at the last word, but I watched their faces ease, and I figured I'd done a good enough job of convincing them.

I fiddled with my keys and opened the door of my truck, jumping inside as I pulled my cell phone out.

Another message was waiting for me:

Hurry now, Bella. Wouldn't want anyone you love to end up hurt because of your tardiness.

As I turned on my truck I heard Edward's voice echo through the driveway.

"I love you."

My heart felt as though it would leap out of my chest but I drove away as fast as my ancient truck could allow before I could selfishly change my mind.