Chapter 13 - Alive

I was sitting in the unreasonably large bathtub in the Cullen's guest bedroom.

I watched, entranced as the pinkish-tinged water swirled down the drain.

Blood.

My blood.

I'd been sitting like this for a while with Rosalie posted just outside the door, keeping guard, holding vigil, ready to come back inside at a moment's notice.

I was starting to shiver.

And I welcomed the feeling.

The icy cold water was the perfect contrast to the fiery heat of his body.

My teeth were beginning to chatter, but I didn't care.

I wasn't done.

I couldn't be done until I was sure every fibre of him that he'd left behind was off of me, out of me – washed down the drain.

I plugged the drain with the stopper, and watched as the water level slowly began to rise.

I thought idly for a moment of just letting myself slip beneath the surface of water – to stay there.

I brushed the thought aside, slightly concerned that it had even entered my consciousness to begin with.

I reached up, grabbing for the bottle of lemon and lavender scented body wash.

Empty.

But I wasn't done.

"Rosalie," I called, barely above a whisper.

In an instant, she was by my side.

She stood next to the tub, purposely averting her gaze. Not out of a rudeness, dislike or contempt. But because she was respecting my privacy as much as she could in this moment.

"I need more soap," I said, trying to prevent the clashing of my teeth.

"You're shivering, Bella," she said simply.

"I know… I'm not done, though."

She stood for a moment, thinking.

And then she sighed, and nodded.

She walked over to the cupboard and pulled a bottle of body wash from the cupboard, placing it on the side of the tub.

"Do you need anything else?" she asked gently.

"No."

And then she was gone.

And I was scrubbing again.

EPOV

"This is ridiculous," I said under my breath, braced against the wall of Carlisle's office.

"I agree, but we know that respecting Bella's autonomy is central to helping her regain trust in us," Carlisle explained.

"It isn't safe."

"I agree, son. We're close by, and we're listening for her. We can reach her in a second if she needs us. And we have to trust Rosalie."

I scoffed, the idea hilarious to me.

I heard a low growl emanate from Rosalie two floors above, clearly she was unimpressed with my lack of faith in her.

"Edward," Esme admonished me "Rosalie understands… possibly better than any of us ever could."

I thought about it for a moment. And as much as I hated to agree, I knew Esme was right. Rosalie did understand. I knew her thoughts intimately – more intimately than I'd like to. It was years before Rosalie was able to think of much else after her transformation. Even with the haziness of her human memories, she was still consumed by it.

I rubbed my temples, frustrated by my inability to help.

We were all shocked when Bella requested Rosalie's help. But it made sense now. Bella couldn't share this with me, because she felt, with so much certainty, that knowing about what had happened to her would change how I felt towards her. She felt, I was sure, that I would be repulsed by her.

She worried I wouldn't love her anymore.

And no wonder; I had managed to convince her, for months, that I didn't love her. She was still wary of me – I could sense it.

And I didn't blame her. I had broken her trust so completely…

I wondered if she would ever trust me again. What I had done had been so horribly compounded by everything she'd endured. The layers of betrayal and pain she'd endured in the past several months was bound to significantly impact her perception of who she could and could not trust.

And with all that I'd done, I wasn't sure she'd ever grow to trust me again.

BPOV

Everything was so incredibly hazy.

I was fading in and out again, my head foggy and blurry, I could barely make out where I was.

My head was throbbing.

I was shivering uncontrollably.

Talking…

Lots of talking all around me.

Frantic voices, and they were growing louder.

The sound of the water flowing out of the tap stopped abruptly, and then all I could hear were the frantic, panicked voices around me.

I could hear someone calling my name in the distance.

I tried to keep my eyes open but I didn't think I had the energy.

I tried to fight the darkness, but it was creeping into every facet of my vision, overtaking me.

I was so tired.

I just wanted to rest.

To close my eyes for just a moment.

And so I did.

EPOV

Her heart… it was too slow.

It was too slow.

Too slow… I heard echoed back from Carlisle's thoughts.

I burst from Carlisle's office and ran to the bathroom, throwing the door open, causing it to rip from the hinges and shatter against the bedroom wall.

Rosalie was bent over the side of the tub, lifting Bella upright, calling her name frantically.

But Bella was unresponsive, her limbs hanging limply at her sides, a bluish hue settling into her extremities.

I pushed Rose out of the way, not taking care to be gentle and then pulled Bella's lifeless body out of the water and into my arms.

I carried her to the bed and Carlisle placed a long, plastic gurney board beneath her as I lowered her down, gently placing her atop the hard, plastic board.

Without hesitation I began CPR, concentrating with everything I had in me on not crushing the delicate bones of her ribcage beneath the force of my compressions.

Carlisle was next to me, pulling a series of syringes out, injecting them into Bella's IV line, working quickly, his thoughts devoid of panic – so unlike my own.

"Bella," I shouted between respirations.

"She can't hear you," Carlisle said, matter-of-factly. He moved around me, pulling a metal tray to the bedside, a series of instruments sitting atop it.

I heard Emmett, Jasper and Alice standing in the doorway, silently observing the ordeal. They had reacted almost as quickly as Carlisle and I had.

"Alice, we need your help," he commanded and she was next to me in an instant.

"The rest of you leave and wait downstairs."

Without objection Emmett and Jasper sped from the room.

"Alice," I growled out, "grab the ambubag next to Carlisle, attach the oxygen to it and begin ventilation while I continue compressions." Alice flew into action next to me, applying the mask to Bella's face and providing ventilation in between my compressions. We continued to work as Carlisle assessed her condition.

"Fuck!"

One of Bella's ribs gave way and cracked beneath the force of my compressions.

"It's ok, Edward. It's expected when performing CPR. Don't stop," he urged as he expertly maneuvered around the room, gathering all of the supplies he would need.

"Did I puncture something?" I croaked out, focusing with every fibre of myself on containing my strength.

"I don't know. We'll focus on that after."

"Rose – go into my office and grab the AED from the uppermost shelf of my supply cabinet," Carlisle commanded, and Rosalie flew into action. She was back in seconds, handing the device to Carlisle.

Compression and ventilation alone were not restarting Bella's still heart.

Carlisle placed the pads on Bella's chest and prepared the machine.

"Clear!" he shouted and I pulled my hands off of Bella.

I continued compressions until Carlisle called clear again, and I watched as Bella's lifeless body sprang forward off the bed from the force of the shock.

And again.

"Clear!"

Her lifeless, pale, blue body flew from the bed again.

And then suddenly her eyes flew open.

Complete terror was painted across her ashen face.

She tried to scream but couldn't. Instead, water spurted out of her mouth as she choked on it.

"It's me, Bella. It's Edward," I said frantically, rolling her onto her side as I spoke so that she could clear the water from her lungs.

Bella's eyes were wide open and completely bloodshot. Her panic hadn't dissipated.

"You passed out in the tub, Bella and aspirated a lot of water. You nearly drowned," Carlisle explained, moving to Bella's side, connecting her to several machines that would monitor her vitals signs.

Bella cried out in pain before grasping at her bare body.

I pulled the blanket up over her, covering her just enough so that Carlisle could still work without interference.

"You're ok, love. You're ok," I whispered, taking vigil at her bedside.

It was a long time before she settled and when she finally did she slept for a very long time.

She was awake now, sitting semi-reclined in her bed. She looked worse today than ever, her eyes were bloodshot, her skin a pale, ashen colour and her body beginning to cave in on itself from the severity of her malnourishment.

The panic of everything had been overwhelming. She was having a difficult time speaking, her throat had been agitated even more by her near drowning experience.

It didn't help that I had cracked another one of her ribs.

"Edward, I'm ok." She assured me. But it did nothing to quell the guilt that was raging on inside of me.

I was sitting next to Bella, her hands clasped in my own. She lay quietly in the bed, resting, thinking, recuperating.

"I want it out," she stumbled over the words, but Carlisle persisted.

"Bella, you fainted because of how malnourished you are. Your body simply doesn't have enough nourishment to sustain the basic bodily functions that keep you alive and breathing. We don't have any other options. A feeding tube is the best way to ensure you're receiving adequate nutrition."

Bella groaned, closing her eyes, her mouth setting in a hard line.

"I hate this," she complained quietly, her small hand ghosting over the tube that was protruding from her abdomen.

"I know. But it's important that we do everything we can to help you, love. This is going to ensure you achieve full mobility sooner so you can regain some of your autonomy again. Your body will heal exponentially faster once you're appropriately nourished."

She nodded and a small shiver rolled through her body.

I instinctively placed a hand against her forehead, noting how low her temperature had dropped.

"Bella, I might have to move away from you for a few minutes," I explained, watching her face twist into a painful confusion "just until you've warmed up a bit…"

"No," she pleaded, her eyes flooding with fear "I… I like the cold."

I nodded, unsure of exactly what all of this meant to her, but I could sense it was a lot more than what I could glean just from her words.

"Ok, but we'll at least have to dress you in a few more layers and raise the temperature in here."

Bella nodded.

I walked to the closet, pulling a thick wool sweater from it. It was mine – and it was one of her favourites.

"How about this?"

She smiled.

"Yes."

I helped her slip the sweater over the thin, cotton gown Alice had dressed her in after the bathtub ordeal. Her painfully protruding bones reawakened the anguish I was trying to quell.

I carefully observed her, knowing full well that she was extremely attuned to me, enough so that she would notice if I were observing her. And in her current state of emotional fragility she would likely misconstrue my concern and care for disgust and contempt.

She had changed so much.

A transformation governed by violence.

"It smells like you," she said softly, holding the neckline to her nose, inhaling.

"Is that a good thing?" I chuckled, settling in next to her.

"That's a great thing."

I smiled, the sound of her voice filling me with gratitude.

She was alive.

She was here.

She was breathing.

We could fix the rest later.

A/N: This chapter was intense, hard to write and I'm still not sure how I'm feeling about it. I think we're seeing Bella at rock bottom, and from this point forward things will begin to shift more dramatically and at a much faster pace. Things really, really pick up from here and it'll be a "hold on to your hats!" kind of vibe for the next few chapters.

Again, slow burn. But the slowness is about to speed up. Hang in there, folks!

And, let me know what you think! I *might* have it in me to edit the next chapter and post by the end of the week - but I need a bit of motivation to get myself into gear!