Chapter 2: Shu

After the newcomers of Wei, let us see to the newcomers arriving in Shu….or is it only A newcomer?

Liu Bei: Hmph….

Zhao Yun: Lord Liu Bei? Is something wrong?

Liu Bei: Ah, Zhao Yun! Uhm, you see, today is the day we have our newcomers and, well…..I'm kinda worried….

Zhao Yun: Ah, there's no need to, my lord! Let just be confident, and I'm sure everything will go smoothly.

Liu Bei: Ah, yes, thank you. By the way, where is everyone?

Zhao Yun: Hm, I believe they're still sleeping, Lord Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: Whaaattt?! Really?! Huff, seriously! We're gonna be late to welcome the-

Zhao Yun: It's alright, my lord, I got this. suddenly grabs a megaphone

Liu Bei: widens eyes W-w-what the, Zhao Yun?! What the hell are you doi-

Zhao Yun: What? I'm trying to wake everyone up, of course.

Liu Bei: But don't use that thing! snatches the megaphone away from Zhao Yun Goddammit, they'll come rampaging angry at you if you use this! Use something else instead!

Zhao Yun: Oh, uhmmm….okay! steps forwards and takes a deep breath to the point of gaining tits

Liu Bei: …..realizes what's about to happen and widens eyes W-what the NO Zhao Yun please STO-

Zhao Yun: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Liu Bei: gets blown back

Earthquake

Glasses shatter

Animals get afraid and hide

Zhao Yun: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! …huff….huff…..

Liu Bei: …yep. Definitely shoulda used the megaphone.

Zhao Yun: …..hm? Why haven't they woken up yet?

5 minutes later

Zhang Fei: Urrrghhh….brother, why so morning?

Guan Yu: Yeah, we've worked overtime last night, give us a break.

Liu Bei: ZHAO YUN'S VOICE CAUSED A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE AND IT TOOK YOU 5 MINUTES TO GET UP?!

Zhang Fei: Eh? Earthquake? Really? We thought that was a crumbling building, or somethi-

Liu Bei: EITHER WAY BOTH ARE SERIOUS MATTERS AND THIS WAS YOUR REACTION?! GOD! WHY ARE MY PEOPLE SO FUCKING USELESS?!

Zhuge Liang: Now now, calm down, my lord. It's enough. I mean, isn't this the day we welcome our newcomers?

Liu Bei: Uh, yeah! But you see, that was the exact fucking reason I tried to wake you guys up! Even with Zhao Yun's voice absolutely wrecking everything….you guys just….

Ma Chao: A newcomer, eh? Can't wait to see him….

Jiang Wei: Yeah, especially since we've gotten some…..pretty crappy adds these few years through, this HAD to be worth SOMETHING!

Pang Tong: …I have a feeling we'll get the short end of the stick this time.

Zhuge Liang: Why would you think so?

Pang Tong: Yes, I mean….think about it. We are, allegedly, Koei's "favorite kingdom", and by that they mean they spend crap in trying to truly develop us into something that actually has depth and kept adding shitty adds that were solely added to satisfy those pea-brain Shu "fans" who know jack shit about the actual, historical Shu and more about their glamorized version in Romance.

Fa Zheng: Heh, yeah, but look, they added me last time. They still have common sense, if I say.

Pang Tong: Yeah, but even then they mostly shafted your many historical achievements and STILL made Zhuge Liang to be the 'greatest EVARRRR'! Huff….really, does anyone notice that it took FIVE games after I and Wei Yan for Koei to add a Shu add that's actually worth shit?

Zhuge Liang: That's because Koei employees are truly the only people to ever manage to give their supposed "golden child" the worst treatment.

Pang Tong: Heh, yeah right, with those Shu "fans" not helping…..anyway, might as well prepare ourselves. It's not like it's anything new, after all.

Liu Bei: Okay! So, uhm….today we're going to greet our new playable!

Everyone: cheers

Zhang Fei: Woo-hoo! Great!

Guan Yu: I hope it will be a truly worthwhile one.

Liu Bei: So! Uhm, ah! Right, so the newcomer is supposed to be here now! Be prepared!

Everyone: line up Gulp…..

Door slowly opens

?: My, my, it's been a long time, hasn't it? After all the endless waiting and fan requests…..

Everyone: …looks shocked

?: ….I, am FINALLY here, AT LAST! BEHOLD, it is I, ZHOU CANG!

cricket sounds

Everyone: …

Zhou Cang: with an awkward smile …..what? Is…..is something wrong?

Everyone: …

WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT?!

Everyone: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Ma Chao: Zhou Cang?! Zhou. Motherfucking. CANG! IS OUR NEW PLAYABLE?!

Jiang Wei: We thought we would a pretty cool guy who did badass feats historically, but…..THIS?! IS WHAT WE GOT?!

Zhou Cang: Whaaaaattttt?! REALLY, GUYYYYYSSSSSS?!

Pang Tong: Sigh…facepalm Told you.

Fa Zheng: Koei may have had common sense…..ONCE.

Zhuge Liang: Hmpf…

Guan Yu: Now cut it out everybody! Why should you be mean to a new playable like him for some measly reason like "he's fictional thus irrelevant!"? Like, come on, give him a chance!

Zhou Cang: Hmph! That's right! I, the servant of the great Guan Yu, will prove y'all judgmental asses wrong!

Guan Yu: That's the spirit! Gee, you actually look quite handsome and prettier than the last time I saw you….

Zhou Cang: Heheh, see! Even those Koei folks cared enough about me to give me only THE BEST!

Ma Chao: But that's clearly only to please the fangirls! Ah god fucking dammit, why is it our kingdom's adds kept getting shittier AND SHITTIER WITH EACH PASSING DAY?! kicks a chair

Guan Yu: NOW STOP THAT! The thing is, I'm sure Zhou Cang will do his best, oh and trust me he will!

Liu Bei: You're only able to say that because he's YOUR subordinate! Gah, DAMMIT! Why is it that fictional fucks and irrelevant fucks are the ONLY ones we get?!

Zhuge Liang: You can probably blame that on Luo Guanzhong for allowing all these bullshit to exist.

Liu Bei: GAAAAAAHHHHHH! Huff….okay…..calm down. Heh, yeh, I mean, what harm does one fictional, irrelevant fuck can have, honestly? Hahaha, ahahaha, aahhhh….sweatdrop

Everyone: sweatdrop

Liu Bei: …ANYWAY! Okay, now we finally got Zhou Cang, let us wait for the second newcomer!

Zhuge Liang: Eh? My lord, SECOND newcomer?

Liu Bei: Uh, yeah! I mean, there's gotta be a second, right?

Zhuge Liang: My lord, don't you remember what Koei said?

Liu Bei: Koei? What? What did they say?

Zhuge Liang: whips out a note Here. I thought you already red it before.

Liu Bei: reads the memo …..slowly descends into pure madness and trembling under sheer disbelief …..are….you….fucking…DEADASS…SERIOUS?

Zhuge Liang: Uh…my lord?

Liu Bei: Zhou…Cang…is…the…ONLY…FUCKING…..ADD…WE GET?

Zhuge Liang: My lord, I-

And then, a Godzilla-like scream was heard throughout the entire land of Ancient China, enough to wake up the other kingdoms who are also about to welcome their newcomers as well.

In Wu…..

Sun Jian: ….what? What the hell is that sound?!

In Jin…..

Sima Yi: Nghhh…..goddammit Zhang Chunhua I told you it's only 4 fucking a- wait, what? That was NOT Chunhua? Then…..what the HELL'S that sound?!

In Other…..

Lu Bu: AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH! WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE SLEEP OF LU BU?! I'LL GET YO- eh?

So, what exactly happened at Shu, you asked? Well, the Author would love to describe what happened, but unfortunately she remembered that this is supposed to be a T-rated fic and would not wish to violate the official guidelines. With that being said, stay tuned for the other kingdoms!

To Be Continued….

Okay! This is the second chapter! I apologize if it's rather short, thenagainitskoeisfaultforonlygivingshuONEGODDAMNFICTIONALWORTHLESSaddsoitsnotlikeitsmyfaultanywayahahanope SMACK!

Anyways, as usual, please give a review and have a good day!