Chapter 18 – Mercy

EPOV

Time seemed to move in slow motion – which was a rarity for vampires as we could process everything at hyper speed and our brains rarely slowed down in the way they did for humans. There was no need to accommodate delayed processing because there was nothing vampires processed in delay.

This moment appeared to be an exception. Carlisle's thoughts slowed to an almost intolerable pace as he registered the results of the exam. I dug through this thoughts, and it took more effort than I was used to when I tried to capture what he was thinking and process it in my own mind. I was used to this happening instantaneously, as effortless and second nature as breathing was to humans – it typically happened without thought.

Positive.

I tried to control my reaction, not wanting to pre-emptively deliver the news to Bella, but it appeared that all of my faculties were outside my control. I wasn't able to temper my reaction. I wasn't able to hold myself in check as I'd wanted to.

Bella shifted uncomfortably in the chair next to me, pulling her hand away from my own as she brought it up to cover her face with her hands. Her shoulders and body slumped forward and her hair fell in front of her face, obscuring my view of her slightly.

But I knew how she was feeling. He body was vibrating against the leather of the chair more forcefully now, and her breathing was pitched and less even. Her heart was thumping loudly in her chest, all making it obvious that she was working towards a full blown panic attack.

She inhaled deeply, and exhaled in a similar fashion. She pushed her shoulders back, sucked in a large gulp of air and pushed her hair from her face to behind her ears which were marked with a small tinge of red. Her cheeks were flushed, but she continued her slow, deliberate breathing, trying to even herself out before she spoke.

"Carlisle?" Her voice was raspy and her body was shaking even harder now.

Carlisle looked up from the white stick he was holding in his hands and his eyes settled on Bella's anxious form.

He seemed at a loss for words, and although I knew Bella was already likely aware of the results given her perceptiveness and my reaction to Carlisle's thoughts, she was looking for confirmation.

"It's positive Bella, I'm sorry." His voice was soft and filled with sadness. I felt my own body reacting to the results spoken aloud. My hands were tensed into claw-like formations and a low growl was erupting from me.

Every instinct inside of me was screaming at me to leave – to protect Bella in the best way I knew how: by killing the thing that did this to her.

The impulse was so strong, so overpowering, that I had to internalize myself to appropriately process the emotions that were flooding me.

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I make this better?

Bella was processing the information in the only way she knew how, by assessing the possibilities, the potential outcomes and her course of action.

Just as she had in Port Angeles, the year that we first met, when she was nearly attacked by a group of delinquents. She had, step by step, plotted her plan of action – her recourse. When any other human would have been panicking, frantic and incoherent, Bella was composed and staring down danger and hardship head on.

I suspected her thoughts were no different in this circumstance.

But how did I factor in?

My mind immediately drifted to earlier today, shortly after Bella had left, Rosalie had cornered me in our garage and had given me an earful of what Carlisle would've referred to as 'widsom'.

"So she left with Carlisle?" Rosalie strolled into the garage, sauntering past me as she leaned casually against my covered Aston Marten.

"Apparently," I seethed through clenched teeth.

"Without you?" It wasn't a question so much as a confused query.

"Not if I can help it. I'm going anyway. Whether she wants me to or not." I knew I was being irrational and petulant, but it didn't change the reality. There was no way I'd leave Bella's side. I would go, stay close enough by that she wouldn't know I was there but make sure I was in earshot so I could keep tabs on her safety.

"Did you ever think that maybe it's not up to you?" she suggested as she ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her heavy, blond locks.

I cocked an eyebrow at her, curious enough that her statement sparked my interest rather than my rage.

"You have to give her some space, Edward. You're practically suffocating her."

I gawked at her, absolutely floored at the suggestion.

"Space?" I growled lowly "have you seen her, Rosalie?"

"Obviously. Who hasn't? And if I'm not seeing her, I'm hearing her. It's impossible to ignore the presence of a traumatized human in a house full of vampires."

"Then how could you suggest that?" I spat, my fury bubbling to the surface.

Rosalie's eyes met my own and she was the picture of calm, quiet tranquility. She shut her eyes and inhaled deeply before speaking.

"Have you told her it's not her fault? Have you assured her that you love her, that your leaving was a mistake, that you won't leave her again and that what happened to her changes nothing about your relationship?" She spoke the words at a very inhuman speed, and the meaning was not lost on me.

I looked at her, incredulous.

She opened her eyes and glared at me.

"Well, have you?" she pressed.

I thought for a brief moment, recalling in a single second everything that had transpired over the past several days.

My heart sank at my realization.

"No, not directly," I was horrified. I took pause to think for another moment.

"But she knows that. Of course she knows that," I explained, pacing the length of the garage as Rosalie watched me, an odd, knowing look on her face.

"Does she?"

I stopped pacing and stood in front of Rosalie, my eyes locked on her own. What was she trying to tell me?

"What does that mean?" I questioned angrily.

"Edward – you're brilliant…" she trailed off, closing her eyes again as though to replay memories in her own mind. I tried to access her thoughts, but found myself shut just outside of whatever it was she was reminiscing about.

"But sometimes… you're not."

I looked at her quizzically.

Sometimes I'm not? I mulled over that statement, completely confused. It was as though she was confirming the statement for herself.

"Bella blames herself for this. She thinks she's the reason this happened. You saw and heard her terror, right? She's afraid. Desperately afraid. And not just for her own well-being, but for yours as well. For all of us…"

I let Rosalie's words sink in.

She thinks this is her fault…?

"Oh hell," the words spilled out of me and I pushed a hand shakily through my hair, coming to grips with the reality of what Rosalie was telling me.

"I haven't told her that it isn't… which for Bella probably just confirms what she already thinks."

Rosalie nodded, her eyes cast downwards.

"She won't even speak about it, Rose. She won't answer Carlisle's questions, she won't answer mine, she won't tell us what happened, or for how long. She's barely eating… she's barely sleeping… it's like she's fading away in front of me…"

"Have you thought that maybe you should stop pushing? Let her be for a bit? How much does it change things if she admits what happened? Does it change anything right now, in this moment?"

I thought for a moment before answering, "No."

"Right. She agreed to the exam which was probably painful beyond measure, she's here, everyone knows – for god's sake Carlisle was the one to perform the exam! Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for her? She's not thinking clearly. She's operating entirely from the perspective of complete terror. Everything she's done since all of this started, and everything she's doing now is her own convoluted way of protecting herself and the people she cares about."

I leaned against the workbench opposite Rosalie, absorbing everything she was telling me, trying to keep from feeling overwhelmed.

"What do I do?" I was lost. I had no clue.

I was so far outside my depths and I had no way of knowing what would heal and what would harm anymore.

"Give her space. Let her process this in the way she needs to,"

"What does that mean? What does that look like?" I questioned, desperate now to pull every morsel of wisdom out of Rosalie. She could see so much more than I could in this moment. She knew this more intimately than I ever could.

"I don't know," she shrugged, folding her arms across her chest as a small smile played across her lips.

"My reaction was to painfully, and mercilessly murder the people that hurt me," she said matter-of-factly, her voice completely devoid of emotion.

"But I was also a newborn vampire, and Bella is not. So it'll probably look a bit different for her."

"Yes, I don't think vengeance is high on her list at the moment. She's still terrified."

"Yes, she is. So, help her feel safe. Let her know that you're safe."

"Of course I'm safe," I growled, unable to accept the suggestion that Bella might not know that I wouldn't harm her.

"Are you, though? If what Bella wants right now is to pretend she wasn't raped, and you're forcing her to relive it every second of every day, are you really safe to her? And if what she fears most, second to that monster, is you leaving, and the two of you haven't even discussed your hissy fit after her last birthday… do you really think you're the easiest person for her to be around? For her to open up to?"

"No," I responded immediately, Rosalie's words clicking in my head in the way nothing else had since this all began.

"This isn't about me, or what I want," I started, realization dawning on me "it's about helping Bella come to terms with this in a way that makes sense to her."

"Exactly. She's checked off the most important points. She's here, she's safe, Carlisle is healing her body – her physical wounds, but you've both forgotten about her emotional wounds."

I looked at Rosalie, thinking about her words, her life and her thoughts. I'd been privy to far more than I should have been in being able to read her thoughts. I knew that Rosalie was still defined, in some small way, by what had been done to her. The thought that Bella might suffer for decades, as Rosalie had, was unbearable.

"Does it get better?" I questioned, my tone the softest it had ever been with Rosalie. She locked her eyes on mine, and I saw the pain brimming beneath the surface.

"It does. But it's never gone… not fully. It fades. It faded for me in a very visceral way, mostly because the memories became somewhat hazy once I was changed. But it still lingers."

I saw it there in Rosalie, the way all of this evoked so much anguish for her. She'd avoided being home as much as possible, not because she didn't care, but because this resurrected many old wounds for her.

This was painful for her.

"I'm sorry, Rose."

She nodded once.

"I know."

"So what do I do?"

"Well, respect her wishes, for one. Stop assuming you know best. Because you clearly don't. You left, and that wasn't what was best for Bella. Not because of that monster and what he did, but because you leaving broke Bella's heart and nearly destroyed our family. Be there, but leave her be. Stop closing doors, stop dictating everything. Let her feel that she has some control over her life. We'll protect her no matter what," she alleged fiercely.

She was right. No matter what, above all else, I would never allow Paul to harm Bella again. I would end him and ensure that would never be a possibility.

"Thank you," I whispered, grateful for Rose and her wisdom, and for her dedication to helping Bella. She nodded and before I could say anything else she was gone.

My mind lingered on the conversation with Rosalie now. Her wisdom, her words – all of it made sense. None of it had registered in my own mind without her prompting. I used what she had shared with me to inform this moment. My reaction was important, I wanted Bella to know that regardless of the choice she made, or what was happening to her body, a positive result wouldn't change anything about our relationship.

I needed to be forthright. Up until this point I'd feared honesty with Bella because I wasn't sure how much she could handle. I didn't want to be responsible for disarming her anymore than she already was. But I was beginning to realize that holding so much back, that providing only my physical presence without offering emotional support to match it was not very helpful at all.

Before I left, Bella and I were intensely emotionally connected. I shared with her parts of myself that I'd guarded with everyone else, and the same was true for her. Why, when she needed me the most, was I introducing such an alien concept to our relationship?

"Bella, love?" I stood from the chair and then moved to kneel next to her. She was staring straight ahead, her expression devoid of any indicators of how she was feeling. She was as still as a human could be now, her breathing uneven and slightly ragged.

I placed my hand against her own as it rested on arm of the chair. She flinched and I made to move my hand away but she held me there.

Still staring off into the distance she spoke.

"You're so cold." Her voice was barely a whisper.

I nodded, understanding that it was something she was grateful for in this moment.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like to be cold…" she trailed off and caught the single tear that was sliding down her cheek with her index finger, wiping all evidence of it away.

Carlisle and I remained silent, waiting for Bella to speak again.

"He was so… hot. All the time. It was all I could feel, even when he wasn't near me… it was all I could feel…"

"I'm sorry." The words choked out of me as I watched her relive the memories right before my eyes.

"What now, Carlisle?" She turned to face him as she spoke, her hand still gripping my own.

Carlisle looked solemn as he spoke.

"This confirms that you are pregnant. But the bleeding means that you might be experiencing a miscarriage. A pelvic exam and a blood test are the best ways to confirm whether or not you are miscarrying. If you are…"

"If I am?"

"We can discuss what that will look like once we figure out if that's what's happening, ok?"

Bella nodded, her hand tightening around my own.

"The choice is yours, Bella. We can have another doctor perform the exam, or I can do it myself. Whatever you choose is perfectly acceptable."

"You," she whispered, her voice filled the heaviness of her sadness as she tried to hold back the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"Alright," Carlisle nodded "I'll prepare an examination room. With only myself involved in the exam we'll be able to keep this very discreet. I'll do my very best to make sure nobody is aware of what's happening."

"Thank you." Her voice was soft, straining against the tears that were catching in her throat.

Carlisle left moments later, carrying the specimen cup with him as he exited his office.

I waited a few moments, collecting my own thoughts enough before speaking.

"Are you ok?" The question sounded ridiculous as it spilled past my lips, but I couldn't fathom another way to phrase it.

"No," she said softly, closing her eyes.

"Can I ask what you're thinking?"

Bella was quiet for a few moments.

"I'd like you to hold me," she requested, her eyes still shut tightly.

I moved slowly, pulling her body into my own as I sat down in the chair, draping her across my lap in one seamless movement.

Her hands moved to my chest, resting there as she laid her bruised cheek against the place where my heart would have been. She inhaled and sighed, almost in relief.

"I feel like I'll never be cold enough again," she said solemnly. It was a confession, I realized. She was confessing her concern – her worry that she might never be whole again. That his presence in her life might never leave.

This pregnancy – it changed things for her. What had already been unbearably hard was morphing into something she wasn't sure she could survive.

"I'm here, Bella. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere… no matter what." I tried to emphasize the last point so she would realize what I was trying to convey.

She paused and moved her head to look up at me, her eyes serious and red-rimmed.

"You would stay…" She sounded confused, curious.

"I'm not leaving you, Bella. I won't ever leave your side again. There is no force strong enough on this earth to keep me from you now."

She looked even more confused by my admission, her eyes softening around the edges as she tried to grasp the meaning of my words.

"But…" she began, stopping herself before she could finish.

"What is it?"

"You left… and now, I'm always waiting for you to leave again. I'm waiting for all of this…" she looked down at her stomach, anguish filling her face, "to become too much for you."

"I left because I was trying to keep you safe. I don't think I truly understood what that meant. I didn't appreciate that despite the dangers inherent to my kind, you are safest with me. We aren't meant to be apart," I said emphatically, trying to convey to her how sincere I was in all that I was saying.

Her eyes were still sad, tears were streaming down her face and she made no attempt to hide them.

"I want to believe you."

"It'll take time, love. And we have time. I'll do everything I can to prove to you that I won't leave you again. That there is nothing that can tear us apart. I vow to you that I will regain your trust, no matter what it takes." My hand moved to her hair as I pushed it out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. She pressed her cheek more firmly into the stone of my chest, her body relaxing as she did.

"You are everything he's not," she said lightly. Everything inside of me clenched at her admission. What must be occupying her mind? How much had she endured? How much did I still not know? I felt nauseated, if that was even possible, at the thought of what she'd been through.

I placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head, unsure of what else to say, but pleased that we were engaging in this honesty with one another. I knew this conversation wouldn't end here – it couldn't. I couldn't erase so many layers of pain that I had created with one, single conversation. This would resurface, I realized, in every moment of insecurity our relationship faced and I would have to patiently address it each time. It was the least I could do. I owed it to Bella.

We sat for a few minutes longer in amicable silence, my arms draped across Bella's slight frame, her breathing becoming slow and even as she relaxed into me. I could feel the wet of her tears soaking into the fabric of my shirt as it clung to my chest in it's dampness.

It wasn't long before Carlisle returned, knocking lightly before entering.

"Everything is all set, Bella. I managed to find an unused examination room that isn't well trafficked. I've set everything up and I'm ready whenever you are."

Bella stilled in my arms, and I realized she was holding her breath when I noticed the absence of breathing movements and sounds.

"Breathe, Bella."

She looked up and me and exhaled, her eyes weary and her body looking more worn than ever before.

"I'm tired." Her voice was soft. I knew she meant more with those words than was immediately apparent. She was at her breaking point – at the threshold of what she could bear.

"I know, love. What can I do?"

"Stay with me."

"Of course."

Bella looked toward Carlisle, her eyes painted with worry.

"I'm ready."

The room was cold, clinical and entirely impersonal. Perhaps that was for the best. Separation from this moment might make it easier for Bella to transition back into being home, creating space between her and the difficulties she was about to endure.

A small tray was neatly arranged next to the examination table, silver instruments lining it and glistening in the fluorescent overhead light. The walls were tiled, pristine white and reflected the harsh lighting back with unnerving austerity.

Carlisle stood at the head of the examination table where Bella sat, her legs dangling over the side. She looked so small in this setting, her thinness amplified by the lighting and her frailty made more apparent.

"You'll need to change, Bella. I know that you won't be able to easily do so on your own, so myself or Edward can help you if you'd like?"

Bella's soft eyes met mine and sadness filled her features.

"Would you?" she asked, turning to face Carlisle.

"Of course."

"I'll be just outside the doors, Bella. Call me when you're ready." And with that, I left.

I tried not to listen, the sounds of Bella whimpering in pain as Carlisle helped her out of the slacks and sweater she wore. But it was impossible. I was so highly attuned to her pain that it would be an almost insurmountable task to ignore.

A few minutes passed and I waited impatiently outside the doors.

"Let's take a break for a moment, shall we?" I heard Carlisle's suggestion through the doors. Bella was in too much pain to press forward and needed a moment to recollect. My fists clenched at my sides, knowing that she was still in agony from his last attack made this all the more painful.

They resumed shortly after and it wasn't long before Bella's tired voice was calling after me.

I entered the room, suppressing a growl when I saw Bella dressed in a hospital gown, laying flat on the examination table. Her pale skin seemed to glow under the light that Carlisle had trained on her body. I moved to her side, my hand taking hers as soon as I reached her.

I leaned forward, placing a kiss against her temple and she pushed her face against my lips, her eyes closing as her body relaxed in reaction.

"Whenever you're ready, Bella, move your body down the examination table until you feel the edge. The place your feet into the stirrups and allow your knees to fall to the side," Carlisle explained, standing at the end of the exam table.

She began moving and then hesitated, her eyes trained on me.

"You won't… listen… right?" Her eyes were filled with worry and shame.

"Of course not, love. It's just as before. I'll respect your privacy."

She sighed and the nodded, moving down the length of the table, following Carlisle's instructions.

BPOV

I didn't want them to know how painful it had been last time. I'd fought my hardest to suppress the sounds of agony that would have been emitting from me were I not trying to keep them in the dark.

It wasn't just that it was physically painful. The emotional toll was high. The feeling of the speculum sitting inside of my body was something that was remarkably triggering, bringing me back to the moments where Paul had violated me. It was a visceral reminder, an inescapable horror that my mind forced me to relive at the slightest provocation.

Today would be no different, I imagined.

The room was cold, filled with angular, hard objects that looked sanitized and clinical. In a way, this was better than a more familiar setting. It seemed that my life was filled now with reminders of Paul where there should have only been memories of my life that predated his existence in my world.

But it was tarnished now.

The window in my bedroom, the one that Edward used to climb through so he could lay with me every night before he left me no, longer held that singular meaning. Where my brain should have pictured Edward it now pictured Paul.

The driveway of the Cullen's home that should have reminded me of my first formal meeting with Edward's family now reminded me of the first time Paul violated me on the gravel stones of their driveway as I gazed up at their home in disbelief.

Edward's lips tracing the outline of my jaw, from my ear to the hollow of my collarbone… he hadn't touched me that way since he left but I was sure that if and when he did, it would remind me of Paul's lips on my body – their violence leaving massive bruises in their wake.

I sat perfectly still as Carlisle worked. He was, as always, careful to check in with me, and worked as quickly as was possible without aggravating my injuries. There was no better-qualified person to provide me with this care, I realized.

But even that was tarnished now, too.

Instead of being Edward's partner, companion, love – I would forever be something entirely different to Carlisle. To all of the Cullen's, really. Carlisle had been the guide to my most painfully intimate catastrophes. He had witnessed and been privy to more of my body than anyone else had ever been – save for Paul.

The legacy this would leave would be unavoidable and haunting. How could I ever be viewed as an equal in his eyes when I'd been stripped of every shred of dignity I had remaining?

I was grateful that in a matter of minutes, Carlisle was finished. I knew he was done because he dropped the instruments into a large, silver bowl filled with water. The clang of metal hitting metal reverberated off the walls of the room, jarring me back to the present moment.

It was over.

I was afraid to look at Carlisle, afraid to know the answer to our queries – petrified of either outcome, completely unsure of what would be best, of what would be most merciful.

What was mercy at this point, anyway? If mercy was a thing that actually existed, it was foreign to me, obviously repelled by my very nature and unwilling to reveal itself to me in any capacity.

"We're all done, Bella." Carlisle's voice was soft, alarmingly so. It was as if they were carried to me by a gentle breeze, wafting passed my face, barely permeating my reality.

And then I looked up, finding his face and trying to read all of the things that I was anticipating hearing.

But it was undecipherable. The perfect planes of his face were pulled into a deep frown, and his eyes were set in an expression of sadness. I was sure that if he were human, the look on his face would have been even more jarring. And because I didn't know what he was thinking – or what I was thinking for that matter, it was impossible to know what his expression of anguish meant.

"My examination detects no dilation of your cervix. The bleeding you're experiencing isn't originating from your uterus. The bleeding is from a reopening of one of the repaired lacerations. It's fine and should heal on its own at this point without issue."

My heart plummeted, my stomach felt queasy and suddenly it felt as though the room was spinning.

I wasn't a doctor and I didn't know as much as Carlisle did, but I knew that if I were miscarrying it would mean that my cervix would show some amount of dilation to release the tissue from my uterus.

I felt Edward stiffen next to me, his body growing tense and his presence becoming more palpable.

"You're not miscarrying," he clarified.

I was frozen. Silent. My mind wasn't moving; it was stuck in a state of… shock?

I couldn't feel. I couldn't think. I had nothing to say. There was nothing to do. There was no direction in my mind that made any sense.

So I remained silent.

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes.

I wished to fade away into nothing. I wished for darkness to consume me and wrap me in it's cool embrace.

This was so much more than I could bare.

As if moving on autopilot, my hand moved to my stomach, gently pressing against the soft space.

Inside of me… was a part of him.

It was the reason Alice couldn't see me.

I carried a part of him inside of me.

Half him… but half me.

And it would grow.

It would take shape or be part of my life.

Or it wouldn't.

But how could I make that decision? How could I be responsible for determining anything about my own future when I could barely make it through each day intact.

I wanted to feel something, but the tightness in my throat and the sick feeling in my stomach were overwhelming.

I kept my eyes tightly shut, drowning out the noises around me. I was terrified of opening my eyes to see Edward standing over me. I didn't want to look into his perfectly angelic face to try and analyze what he was feeling because what I saw there might have the power to push me over the edge.

So I lay still. Unmoving. Silent.

"Bella?" A soft voice caused me to stir, though my eyes remained closed.

"Hm?" was all I could manage in reply.

"I was asking if you would be ok with an ultrasound? I know this is difficult, I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I think it's important to get a fuller picture here so we can convene and discuss possible options. Would you be ok with that?" Carlisle sounded gentle, even, assured. He remained resolute, unwavering.

I wondered if Edward would sound the same when he spoke.

"Bella, love?" And there it was, the voice of my love. It rang in my ears and my heart thudded with more enthusiasm at the sound of it.

"I…" I tried to reply, but I had nothing to say.

I felt an icy coolness rest near my ear and I smelled Edward's intoxicating scent.

"This changes nothing, love. Whatever choice you make, however you approach this, I offer you nothing but my unconditional support and I will stand with you and support you through this no matter what."

My heart thudded wildly at this words. I felt the energy re-entering my body.

I lay still for another moment, my mind combing over Edward's words. I internally battled with the two distinct parts of myself: the part that believed him, and the part that wondered if he remained with me out of guilt.

I hated that I had to question it, that I wasn't certain. But there were so many warring parts of myself and I barely had enough energy to keep them at bay without the added chaos today had delivered.

"Do you promise?" I whispered, reaching out for his hand and being immediately met with his cool, icy grasp.

"I promise."

"Ok." My voice was low but despite my eyes remaining shut I knew Carlisle heard because I heard the sound of the metal tray being pushed to the corner of the room as the familiar scraping of wheels against tile grew louder and louder.

I felt a heavy blanket fall gently across my lap.

"Can you pull your gown up, Bella?" Carlisle was standing next to me now, his soft voice reaching me from a few feet away.

I unclasped my hand from Edward's and reached down underneath the blanket across my lap, searching for the hem of the gown. I pulled it up until it sat just below my sternum.

"This might feel cool, it's just the gel I'll use to help maneuver the wand across your abdomen."

I nodded, knowing that the coolness of the gel wouldn't be alarming to me.

I craved the cold.

I lay silently, my eyes finding one of the ceiling tiles and resting there, counting the tiny, black specks as Carlisle continued his work.

Curiosity was brewing inside of me when the realization sunk in that whatever was living inside of me was pictured on the screen that was right next to my bedside. I was tempted to look but conflicted. I was sure that seeing it there, on the screen would make all of this even more real and I knew I wasn't prepared for that.

"Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"Can you see?"

He was silent for a moment.

"Yes."

"Ok," I replied, gripping his hand even tighter and I continued my work of counting the specks on the ceiling tile directly above me.

"Based on my measurements, I believe that you're roughly 8 weeks along."

I sucked in a large gulp of air, unsure of what that could mean… of the significance of Carlisle's declaration.

"But I'm unable to detect a heartbeat, Bella."

Again, Edward stiffened, his clasp on my hand tightening noticeably.

"What does that mean?" I questioned softly.

Carlisle explained that he would need to perform a transvaginal ultrasound to see if he could detect a heartbeat that way. Apparently, an ultrasound, when performed transvaginally, could more reliably and accurately detect a heartbeat in early gestation.

I was overwhelmed but agreed. The procedure was uncomfortable, triggering, painful and humiliating. But I closed my eyes and persevered, wanting to be done with this, wanting to know for sure so I could begin to think about where to go from here, wherever 'here' was.

When Carlisle was done he helped me pull the hem of my gown back down beneath my bottom and then Edward snaked an arm around my waist, sitting me upright and then taking my hand once more.

"I've found no heartbeat," he explained "which may mean that the fetus is no longer developing and won't develop past this point. Or it may mean that it's evasive and I just haven't captured the heartbeat. There is no way to know for certain without a blood test and frequent monitoring of your condition."

Carlisle's voice was solemn and he sounded tired. I felt incredulous at the observation, knowing that vampires didn't feel physical exhausting. But I was certain they could feel emotional exhaustion, though I suspected their threshold was much higher than a human's. It appeared that Carlisle had reached his threshold.

As if on cue, he spoke.

"Bella, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. You've shown immeasurable strength at every step of the way, and I'm truly in awe of your resilience. I'm sorry you've had to endure so much."

I wished to respond, but couldn't find any words.

"The blood test will give us a baseline of your hCG levels. We'll measure them every day thereafter and that will help us determine whether or not the… fetus… is still growing or whether it's stopped development altogether. If it's stopped developing it's likely that you'll begin to miscarry within the week. We can perform a procedure to speed up the natural miscarriage process which will significantly reduce the chance of infection. Which, considering your health is a wise option."

"Carlisle." Edward's voice was icy but controlled. "Explain to her what her other options are," he urged, his face severe.

"Of course," Carlisle nodded and then trained his eyes on me "you may also consider a termination, Bella. Regardless of the outcome, you may already know that you don't wish to continue with this pregnancy and in that case, we can perform the procedure to terminate the pregnancy as early as today. The choice is yours and you have my unconditional support no matter which route you choose."

I tried to listen and process Carlisle's words. I tried to understand what he was inferring, but it was too much. My brain was on sensory overload and I felt dizzier than before, every object in the room whirring past me as I struggled to maintain my focus.

I felt my stomach tighten into knots, the queasiness creeping up on me as I tried desperately to suppress it. My hand flew to cover my mouth and in an instant, Edward was at my side, a basin situated before me.

But I couldn't vomit. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move.

The only thing I could do was surrender to the darkness that was overtaking me. My body was so worn and so tired and my brain was refusing to process its most recent revelation.

And so I surrendered to the darkness realizing, before it overtook me, that it was the only mercy I'd been given for as long as I could remember.

A/N: Forgive me! This has been on my mind for a very, very long time. I haven't forgotten, I haven't pushed this story to the backburner and I really tried my hardest to have this chapter out sooner but... it's a hard one. So many of you expressed that you don't want her to be pregnant, and I understand that, but I also have to remain true to the story and the characters. They have their own stories and their own paths and no matter how I tried to reconfigure this story to be appealing to the majority, it wasn't sitting right.

I had to let this play out.

Of course, we don't really know that she's going to maintain the pregnancy - but this is an important part of Bella's journey and is the catalyst for so much that is to come. This is really a turning point and we're going to see things pick up a bit more in intensity after this chapter.

Please let me know what you think? I've fought with myself over this chapter for a week now!

You're all lovely and amazing and I hope you have the loveliest 2017 ahead of you. Stick with me, I promise you won't be disappointed. Don't abandon Bella at this stage in her journey!

xx

-missmarlee