Chapter 19 – Choices
BPOV
"Edward, you're being melodramatic. Let me talk to her! What do you think I'm going to say?"
"Rose, this isn't the time for another one of your crusades. She needs to rest and you being here will only complicate the situation further." Edward's voice was rushed and his tone was low, but I could tell, even though my eyes were still closed, that he was in the same room as me.
My eyes remained closed as I waited for their conversation to continue – it was a rare opportunity to spy on vampires and I wasn't about to pass it up.
"Hello, Bella." Carlisle's soft voice filled the room and I knew that he'd figured it out.
"Hi," I whispered.
I felt a cool hand wrap around mine and I opened my eyes. Edward was sitting next to my bedside, his face alight with a wide smile as his jet black eyes met my own in anxious trepidation.
"How are you feeling?" he asked gently. I considered the question for a moment.
How was I feeling?
More importantly: how did I end up here?
I surveyed the room around me, and immediately recognized it as a Forks Hospital. I was lying in an astonishingly uncomfortable hospital bed with the scratchy, blue and white sheets pulled up to just beneath my armpits. In my left hand there was an IV line leading to bag of fluids and on my right arm was a blood pressure cuff.
I shifted uncomfortably on the bed, realizing that I must have, at some point, passed out.
"What happened?" I asked, staring into the three faces that were present in the room. Carlisle was reading a monitor in the corner of the room, jotting down notes as he read it. Edward was next to me, grasping my hand and stroking it lovingly and Rosalie was pressed against the wall opposite me, her arms folded across her chest and her face set in hardness and determination.
"You collapsed, love. I think… we think it was all just too much for you to process, coupled with mild dehydration and low blood glucose levels," Edward explained, his eyes fixated on mine as he spoke.
"Oh…"
"You're quite alright now, Bella. We've topped you up with fluids and we moved you in here immediately after you collapsed. It's only been a few hours. It's the middle of the night right now and the hospital is very quiet. The only people that know you're here, aside from our family, is Alexa from the hospital administration, and I trust that she understands how important it is to preserve your anonymity," Carlisle explained from across the room. He spoke but barely looked up from the file folder he was making notes in.
"I read her mind and I get the impression she's a very honest, hardworking and trustworthy person in general. It helps that she's incredibly taken by Carlisle, too," Edward smiled in Carlisle's direction, but it appeared that Carlisle had barely paid him any attention. A sudden look of annoyance crossed Edward's face, though it was only present for a brief moment before he managed to conceal it once again.
"Charlie… does he know I'm here?"
"No. We wouldn't share this information with him unless you wanted us to."
I nodded, grateful that they'd considered my preferences in the matter.
"Rosalie…" I started, my voice still straining against the harsh dryness of the room and the lingering damage to my vocal cords.
She stood up straighter, her eyes finding mine as she nodded in acknowledgment.
"What did you want to tell me?"
She remained quiet and her eyes found Edward's for a moment before returning to me.
"I don't care what orders he's given you. I want to know what you came here to tell me. I assume that's why you're here, right? And I assume that's why you and Edward were arguing right before I woke up?"
Rosalie smirked and anger flashed across Edward's face, his eyes set on her with a look of intensity that made my hair stand on end.
"Edward!"
The sternness in my voice broke his focus and he turned to face me, eyes burning with animosity.
"I want to speak to Rosalie. In private," I asserted, pushing myself a bit more upright in the bed in an effort to appear less frail and weak.
"Bella," he warned, his voice filled with frustration.
"No. I don't care what you're about to say. I want to speak with Rosalie and I want to speak to her privately." I glanced at him, noting the shock and awe painted across the sharp angles of his face.
He hesitated for a moment and then turned to Carlisle, who appeared to nod, although it was such a slight gesture that I might have been mistaken. Edward stood, grabbed my hand and placed a soft kiss against my knuckles, smiling sweetly at me before accompanying Carlisle out of the room.
"Impressive," Rosalie said, pushing off the wall next to the door as she then approached my bedside.
"Impressive?"
"Yes. Edward is a stubborn mule. He rarely budges and if he does it's after months – even years – of persistence."
"Oh."
"He loves you. And he respects you. That's why he listens," she explained, taking the seat next to my bedside.
Rosalie sat next to me in silence for a few minutes. It was odd and somewhat unnerving. The rest of the Cullen's attempted to act more 'human' around me, moving occasionally, making breathing movements, and altogether behaving more human-like than they likely would around each other.
But Rosalie was different. She sat in the chair, completely still, eyes trained on the wall ahead of her as she appeared to be thinking with such intensity it left me unnerved.
"Rose?" I whispered after a few more minutes had passed. The silence was becoming unbearable.
She turned to face me, her eyes heavy with a complicated array of emotions.
"I'm sorry," she said lightly, her eyes glistening in the fluorescents of the hospital room.
"You haven't done anything to be sorry for," I assured her, fiddling with the blankets that were draped across my lap.
"I'm sorry for what happened to you," she clarified, her eyes catching something in the distance that occupied her focus.
"Oh," was all I could manage in response.
"You're pregnant," she said, not a question but a statement of fact, her voice lifeless and hollow as she spoke.
I prickled against the weight of those words, my breath catching in my throat and my eyes stinging with a fresh batch of tears. These reactions were involuntary, and I was in agony being at their mercy. Still, she made no attempts to spare me any pain. She was forthright and blunt, two things that, despite the harshness of her words, I could appreciate in this moment.
"I'm sorry you're in this position, Bella. I'm sorry you're faced with these horrendously impossible decisions that nobody should ever have to make. It's unfair." She avoided my eyes and focused instead on the current state of her nails, surveying each finger with waning interest.
"I…" I tried to find words. Rosalie, in all her intensity, made sharing these things easy, or easier, at least. She was straightforward, honest, and factual. She didn't muddle the details or dwell on things that weren't worth dwelling on.
She made it easy.
And I was grateful.
"I don't know what to do…" I whispered, afraid to meet her eyes though I could feel now that she was looking directly at me.
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know…"
"Yes, you do."
"I… haven't thought about it," I countered, my eyes fixating with more concentration on the fabric that I was pulling between my fingers.
"Then let's think about it." She leaned forward in the chair as she pulled it closer to my bedside. "When you think of the options – about continuing the pregnancy or about ending it as soon as possible – what do you feel?"
I was stunned. My stomach twisted into tight knots, my heart racing and my head spinning.
"Can… can he hear us?"
"Who, Edward?"
I nodded.
"Yes. He's in Carlisle's office two floors below. He can hear us."
I thought for a moment, about why I didn't want to have this conversation with Edward listening in. My hesitation made me uncomfortable, uneasy.
"It's ok, Bella. If you don't want him to hear, I mean. It's ok to want privacy and to want to sort things through without him pulling it apart. You're entitled to privacy," Rosalie's voice was filled with a sharp edge, and I knew that she was conveying many unspoken frustrations to Edward through her thoughts.
"Please…" I whispered, "please, don't listen, Edward."
We waited for a moment and then she looked at me, her eyes alight with glee.
"He's gone," she smirked, "he listens to you. Which is nothing short of miraculous because he doesn't listen to anybody. Well, he listens to Carlisle and Alice sometimes, but they're the exceptions."
"He listens to me…"
"Yes. As he should. Edward's beginning to realize that denying you autonomy is part of his refusal to acknowledge you as his equal. And you are his equal, Bella."
"It hardly feels that way."
"You have a very warped sense of self-worth," Rosalie said harshly "but I understand that feeling…"
"You do? You?" I was incredulous. There was absolutely no way I could believe that Rosalie, the epitome of perfection and beauty, struggled with her self-worth.
"Yes. But we're not here to talk about me, Bella. We're here to talk about you."
"Ok…"
"How would you feel if you were to continue with the pregnancy?" She was cutting straight to the point and it was a very odd, unnerving way to approach the conversation.
"I don't know."
"Try, Bella. How would you feel? Say the first thing that comes to mind."
Before I could properly process anything, the words were spilling unwillingly from my mouth.
"Terrified."
I looked up and my eyes met Rosalie's, and hers were soft and permissive, filled with a deep, knowing look.
"Ok," she continued, a foreign gentleness in her voice "terrified of what?" she pressed.
"Of being tied to him forever." I didn't understand my lowered inhibitions. I couldn't figure out what catalyst Rosalie had sparked in me that was leading me to this level of openness. But I was here, all the same, spilling things from myself that I didn't even know existed inside of me.
"And if we kill him, are you still terrified of being tied to him?"
"Yes. If… it… if it looks like him, because then I'll have a daily reminder of him… and it'll mean yet another choice taken away from me… I couldn't. And I'm afraid of the space…"
"The space?"
"I'm afraid either choice will put space between us – between Edward and me."
"Edward supports you, no matter what. And that is complete honesty. It doesn't matter how this ends, Edward only wants to support you and keep you safe."
I could feel a fresh wave of tears welling in my eyes, and I wished they would disappear.
"And if you chose to end it – to end the pregnancy… how would you feel?"
"Relieved," I breathed out. I was shocked, pressing against the words I'd just spoken, trying to find their edges, where they began and where I ended, hoping they weren't part of me. But they were. They were mine. These were my feelings.
I was afraid of the emotions that lived inside of me, and the form they were taking as they manifested in the world outside of me.
"What do you think?" I asked, turning to face Rosalie again. She looked taken aback by the question, but she composed herself and sat back, the leather of the chair groaning in protest as she did.
"I think that the choice is yours and that it's a difficult – not to mention unfair – decision that you have to make. But I think you have to make it, and you have to make it soon."
"But if it were you?"
She looked taken aback again.
"If it were me…" she paused, her face morphine into a series of hard lines "I can't answer that because it isn't me. I didn't survive it… not as a human, at least."
"I'm sorry." I knew her pain.
"I think that you have so much ahead of you, and you've been given so few choices since Edward left. None of this was of your choosing, but you have a choice now. Do what you feel is best for you, your body, your life, your future. I know it feels strange to think about a future in the midst of so much chaos, but you have a future Bella. That much I'm certain of."
Rosalie's words occupied so much space in my head, and I combed through it all: each intonation, each gentle suggestion, each harshly spoken phrase. In so little time, she had given me so much to think about.
"Why didn't Edward want you to talk to me?"
"Because he's worried that I'll try to sway you one way or another. Or change your mind. And he doesn't trust that I can be nice," she smiled at the thought before her face became serious again, "and originally I did want to talk to you with the intention of telling you to get rid of it, because I figured I knew what was best for you. But, I don't. Nobody does. Only you know what's best for you and only you can make this decision. Therefore, whatever decision you make, will be the right one."
Rosalie stood from the chair, turned on her heel and headed toward the door.
"Rose…" I called after her, and she turned her head a fraction, just enough so that I could see her strained features in her profile.
"Does it get better?"
She paused, turning then to face me.
"Yes. It takes time, but it does get better, though it's never really gone. Not forever. Not completely. But you learn to live with it."
Her words made my stomach queasy, but I appreciated her honesty all the same.
"I'll send Carlisle back in." And with that, she was gone.
"How are you feeling, Bella?" Carlisle's smooth voice filled the room, wrapping me up in comfort and safety.
"I'm ok."
"I'd like to take your vitals, and take some blood if that's alright?"
"The blood… it's to check if the levels have changed at all?"
"That's correct. We'll measure the levels against the average levels we would expect to see in someone at this particular gestation. If they're lower, it supports the theory that the fetus is no longer developing. We'll continue to measure for the next few days to track whether or not the decline continues."
"Carlisle…" my voice was shaking, and I was trying to pluck up the courage to ask the question that was formulating in my mind.
"Yes?" He stilled, his whole body facing toward me, showing me I had his full attention.
"The procedure… the one that ends it?"
"Yes," he nodded, urging me to continue.
"Does it hurt?"
Carlisle's eyes softened and his body seemed to relax, so minutely that the gesture was almost undetectable.
"I don't believe so. I've performed it several times over the course of my career – and mostly I think it's emotionally challenging for some people. You would be sedated, unconscious. The procedure itself doesn't take very long. There is typically some pain and cramping upon waking, but that's easily controlled with pain medication."
"Have you ever done it… on someone… in my circumstance?"
"Yes. Twice." His eyes were overwhelmed with a sadness that made me feel like I'd been kicked in the stomach, the wind knocked out of me, struggling to catch my breath again.
"What was that like?"
"It was very difficult. Very emotional, but I believe that both times it was the right decision."
"What made you think that?"
"Because there was a noticeable amount of relief that both patients experienced once the procedure had was over. They felt a certain level of sureness in their choice, despite the inherent difficulties."
"Thank you." I smiled at him, though it wasn't a real smile, but one that a person might force to show their pleasure. It didn't come from a place of happiness, but rather from a place of acknowledgment and gratitude.
"Of course." And just like that, the apparent sadness that was swirling around in his tawny eyes was suddenly gone. He re-erected the walls that he built to keep his professionalism and decorum intact around patients. I sighed, not bothering to conceal my disappointment.
"Are you ok with me taking your blood now?"
I nodded. However unpleasant it would be I recognized it as necessary.
Carlisle stood at my bedside, preparing the tools he would need on a small blue pad that was sitting on the empty space next to me on the bed.
"Where's Edward?"
"He's nearby. He wanted to respect your wishes."
"Can you tell him to come back?" Carlisle looked up at me, a smile on his face. He reached a hand into the pocket of his slacks and handed me a silver phone.
"Here. His number is programmed into the phone."
I scrolled through the contacts and found Edward's name, my heart fluttering at the sight of it.
"Hello?" Edward's voice rang through the speaker of the phone and my heart tensed and released at the sound. I felt my shoulders relax and my body unclench itself as though it could finally breathe again.
"Edward," I breathed into the phone, feeling winded again.
"Bella," he replied, his own voice morphing into something otherworldly as he spoke.
"Come back?" I questioned, nervous that he would be upset or hurt that I'd asked him to leave in the first place.
"I'll be there shortly," he agreed and then the line went dead.
Carlisle smiled at me as I returned his phone to him.
"We're all set. Would you like to wait until Edward arrives?"
The question intrigued me. I had figured it would be best to avoid exposing him to my blood whenever possible – that unnecessarily tempting him would be cruel. But I wanted to wait for him because he was my anchor, the rope that tethered me to this earth and this life.
"Isn't it hard for him?"
"To be around your blood?" Carlisle clarified.
"Yes."
"I would imagine so. But I don't think his temptation is the same as it once was, Bella. Edward has tasted your blood and although I don't believe that has quelled the thirst in any way, I do believe it's led him to understand what it would feel like to drain the life out of you – and that, for Edward, is a more horrifying reality than anything else."
My heart was thundering in my chest now, thinking back to the moment when James had bitten me and when Edward had freed me from the burning that was coursing through my veins. He selflessly tormented himself to relieve me from my suffering.
"Bella, why are you crying?"
I looked up and was greeted by Edward, his hair slightly disheveled and windblown. A vision of perfection.
I thought about him, our love, his sacrifices, the pain he'd put me through, our bond – all of it.
"I love you," I murmured, and in seconds I was wrapped in his arms.
No decisions would be made tonight. I needed to nourish myself with food and then rest. It was impossible to compile the information I'd gathered in the past few hours and make a decision that was even remotely logical.
As if he were reading my thoughts – or more likely hearing the rumblings of my stomach, Edward pulled a small, black lunch bag onto the bed next to us.
"Esme made you something to eat," he smiled.
"You really do need to eat, Bella." Carlisle sounded severe, as though the recommendation was more a warning than anything else. I shuddered as I thought back to the NG tube that I'd been fed from several times over the past week – I wanted to avoid that experience, however possible.
Edward pulled a small, silver thermos from the bag and produced a spoon seconds later.
"Esme said it was chicken noodle soup," he explained, pulling the top off the thermos, unleashing the tantalizing smell into the room.
"Mmmm," I smiled, the smell pulling me back into my childhood when Renee would prepare chicken noodle soup whenever I was sick. My heart warmed at the thought and the image of my mother that my brain had conjured brought me immense joy, lifting me momentarily from the harshness of my circumstances.
I opened my eyes and realized that both Edward and Carlisle were staring at me, curiosity and fascination evident in their faces.
"What?"
"It's fascinating to watch you experience joy. It's delightful." Edward pressed the back of his cold hand to my cheek, lovingly tracing the length of my jaw before dropping the spoon into the thermos.
"When you're done eating, Bella, I'd like to take a blood sample, if that's alright?" A feeling of guilt crept up inside of me when I realized how many times Carlisle had attempted this task in the past hour. I wasn't making it easy for him to do his job.
"You can do it right now," I suggested, pushing my arm toward him as I rolled up the sleeve of the hospital gown. He smiled and nodded, moving to my side with a tray of instruments in his hands.
It was over in seconds – brief and painless and hardly noticeable. I felt Edward's cool hand come to rest against my cheek, his other hand stroking through my hair in a smooth, rhythmic motion. He chuckled lightly, piquing my curiosity.
"What is it?" I arched an eyebrow to emphasize my inquisitiveness.
"Do you remember when a single drop of blood would have caused you to collapse?" A small smile played on his lips, and I felt my heart thundering loudly in my chest.
"Yes," I returned the smile, enjoying, for the moment, his hands on my body and the comfort they brought me.
"You no longer experience the same aversion to it, do you?" The smile was fading from his face and his eyes were darkening as his expression morphed into something much more serious.
"No," I replied automatically, thoughtlessly.
"Why?" His eyes were gentle, but I could see that his body language had transformed – the ease and playfulness from seconds ago had faded and in it's wake was Edward's raw anguish and brooding.
I wanted so badly for this moment to return to what it had been, for the light to return to his eyes. But I didn't have the energy to sway the conversation back to what it had been only seconds before.
"Exposure, I guess."
"Exposure?" He repeated the word back to me, confused.
"It's not like I had anyone to go to that could help me deal with whatever was happening to me. So I had to learn to get over my aversion to blood. For survival."
I regretted the words the moment I spoke them. I watched as Edward's face contorted, his pain as plain on his face as could be. The regret was bubbling to the surface, and the torment was lapping at his freshly torn wounds.
And I did that.
I hadn't meant to hurt him, but my defenses were lowered because I was tired and the day had been so overwhelming – I didn't have the energy to censor myself.
"I see," was all he could choke out in the midst of his rage. And I knew it was rage he was feeling because his hands were removed from my body and he'd placed more space between us as he tried to focus on controlling his anger.
"Edward." I heard Carlisle call his name from across the room, his voice low and controlled as he tried to reign Edward back in.
"I'm fine," he growled, his voice tight with control.
"Why don't you take a few minutes outside while I check Bella's vitals?"
Edward stood, wordlessly, and walked out of the room. I expected him to put up a fight, but he didn't. He complied, and I realized it was for the best.
"May I take your vitals?" Carlisle asked, pulling his stethoscope from around his neck as he came to stand next to me.
I nodded, sitting still as Carlisle pressed the diaphragm of the stethoscope against the left side of my chest.
"Is he ok?" I whispered, my anxiety mounting inside of me.
"He's ok, Bella. A bit overwhelmed, but nothing unmanageable." Carlisle then pressed two fingers against my wrist, his eyes fixated on his wrist watch as counted my pulse.
"I didn't mean to upset him… that's the last thing I would ever want."
"You shouldn't feel guilty for being honest. Edward asked you a question and you gave him a truthful answer – that was the correct thing to do. It's what Edward wants from you. There is nothing about your experience that you should conceal from us out of fear of hurting or angering us. And besides, it isn't you he's angry with," Carlisle explained, his index and middle finger palpating all across my neck as he spoke.
"He's angry with himself?"
"Yes. You're his mate, Bella. His instinct to protect you far surpasses anything a human could feel. It's woven into the very fabric of his being," Carlisle paused then, resting a hand on my shoulder.
"Would you mind if I had a more thorough look at your abdomen, to see how your ribs are healing?"
I nodded, laying back on the bed.
"Can you lift your gown, Bella?"
I nodded again, pulling at the hem of the gown as Carlisle pulled the blankets up over my legs, keeping me as concealed as possible without compromising his ability to examine me.
I glanced down at my abdomen, and my stomach twisted into knots.
Its appearance was ghastly – painted black and blue with deep hues of yellow scattered across the thinly stretched skin. The bruises were large, spilling from one pool of blackness into the next leaving very few patches of skin unmarked.
But more than that, staring down at my abdomen reminded me why I was here.
I was pregnant.
I was carrying the child of the person that had hurt me in inexplicable ways.
The person that had been the cause for the deeply disturbing state of my body.
The person that had very nearly killed me with his bare hands.
That same person was the donor of half the genetic information that the thing inside of me was moulding into arms, legs, a brain, a heart.
The thought made me feel sick.
It tore through me like a wildfire, catching each of my limbs in its fiery grip, dragging me into the heart of the flame where I would burn for all of eternity, forever held in place by this thing that would forever connect us.
I cried out, an agonizing moan ripping through my body as I lurched over the side of the bed, violently vomiting, choking against the bile as it burned in my throat.
I tried to catch a breath, I tried to right myself, I tried to sit back upright, to remain present in the moment, but in seconds my body was being transported back to places that I wished it had never known to begin with.
And I could feel Paul's hands on my body:
Bruising.
Violating.
Crushing.
I could feel the weight of his body against mine, pressing me into the gravel of the Cullen's driveway, fresh blood dripping down my back as the stones pierced my skin.
His lips against my neck, my jaw, my lips.
His hands tearing at my clothes as his fiery hands greedily groped at my exposed flesh, marking it as his own.
As he pulled me further and further away from Edward and all memories of him.
As he stole me away from myself, so brutally and violently I was sure I'd never find my way back to myself ever again.
EPOV
"What can I do, man?" Jasper's hand was pressing against my shoulder as he channeled everything he had inside of himself to try and counter the rage that was steadily building inside of me.
"Find him," I growled out, on the brink of losing complete control of myself. I hadn't expected to find him here, but he was waiting just outside of the hospital, apparently, Alice had anticipated my breakdown and sent him for damage control. Truthfully, I was grateful he was here. Were it not for his presence and the effectiveness of his gift, I probably would have torn through half of the Quileute lands trying to track down Paul. I was past the point of rational thought.
"The desire to protect our mates is consuming. But remember that protecting Bella isn't just about killing him, we have to find him, figure out who he's working with and we have to prioritize her healing."
"I know," I hissed, struggling to keep myself together as my mind was clouded by thoughts of revenge – thoughts of tearing Paul to pieces, limb by limb.
My mind was filled with the darkest thoughts it had ever known as Jasper struggled to pull me from its depths.
"Why did you come?" I turned to face him, his eyes filled with a gentle sadness.
"Alice said you would need me. She couldn't see much, but she knew you would need me," he explained, his hands finding my shoulders again as his eyes fixed on mine.
The waves of anguish that were crashing through me were lightening, becoming more tolerable. I was overwhelmed by the pendulum swing of sadness and shame bursting inside of me.
"Don't," Jasper commanded, "your shame is useless. You're allowed to grieve, Edward. You're allowed to feel pain. There is no shame in that."
I could feel myself cracking in half.
I searched Jasper's mind, uncovering that he knew nothing about Bella's pregnancy. They had their suspicions, but they hadn't received confirmation yet. Rosalie had come to the hospital right and accidentally came upon our conversation. But she hadn't shared with anyone else, apparently. Jasper had no clue.
Before I could weigh the wisdom of my choice, I was speaking, sharing Bella's circumstances without her consent.
"She's pregnant," the words tore through me, and the force of them brought me to my knees. Jasper was silent, his thoughts cold and spiraling down in a similar fashion to my own.
We were wordless, motionless, unable to speak because our minds had not yet processed the information.
But there was no time.
I heard screaming.
Bella.
Screaming my name – screaming for my help.
Carlisle's arms were wrapped around Bella's as she struggled to break free from his grasp, clawing at her face, her arms – anything she could make contact with.
Her piercing screams were echoing in the room, bouncing off the walls and traveling at hyper speed around the small room. Her eyes were red, puffy and tears were flowing down her face which was framed by her furrowed brows and, thick brown hair.
She looked feral and completely unhinged, all reason apparently having left her as she grappled with whatever memory and trigger it was that was dominating her consciousness.
She had calmed some since Jasper and I had entered the room, no doubt the work of Jasper's gift, but she was still frantic in Carlisle's arms, terror ruling all of her in this moment.
"Bella!" I called her name, rushing to her side as I tried to bring her back from the brink.
"Edward, please. Please! Please! Help me, help me!" She was screaming, haunting and devastating. Her words were filled with an inexplicable terror as she clawed at whatever was around her, responding to benign things her body now perceived as being threatening.
"You're safe, Bella. You're in Forks Hospital with Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper," I explained, trying to capture her attention long enough for her to still.
It was working, her body stilling and easing with my words.
"We're here. And no one will hurt you, ok? We won't allow it."
"Edward, please," she moaned, her body slouching forward as she continued to struggle against Carlisle who was effortlessly restraining her.
"Bella, listen. Listen to me," I caught her face in my hands, gently. She calmed again, her body growing rigid as she searched my face with distant, desperate eyes.
"Edward?" she questioned, trying to capture my face in her vision, trying to conceive of who I was and whether or not I would bring her harm.
"Yes. Yes. It's me. I'm here," her body stilled, even more, her arms falling limply at her sides as she started to surrender to Carlisle's efforts.
The glassy haze of her eyes was fading as she was beginning to return to herself again. Her frantic eyes darted around the room as she contemplated her surroundings, trying to silently convince herself that what was before her was real, and what she had just experienced was not.
The smell of her blood was fresh in the air a result of the deep scratch she'd torn into her left arm. Carlisle's shirt was wet with her blood. I looked at him, searching for an explanation.
She panicked. She was trying to fight back and in the process, she scratched herself quite deeply across her forearm. I had to restrain her, there was no other choice.
I nodded, not assigning any blame to him whatsoever. He did what was best for Bella in a moment when I could not.
"Edward?" her hoarse voice called out to me, painfully raw and strained.
"Yes, love."
"I saw him," she whispered.
"I know."
"Like he was here. Like it was happening all over again."
"I'm sorry. He wasn't here, he hasn't been here," I whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the crown of her head. She nodded, agreeing. She was aware now of what was real and what was not.
"Bella, your arm is bleeding, may I?" Carlisle gestured toward her left forearm that had been torn open by her own fingernails. It was deep enough to draw blood, but not deep enough to require stitches or to leave a scar. I could tell as much just by looking at it.
He held her arm in his hand and looked at it carefully.
"It's a deep scratch, but I'm confident it will heal on its own without much interference from us. If it's ok with you, I'll clean that area and dress it in some gauze?"
She nodded, a deep crimson colour painting across her cheeks.
"It's ok," he assured her, "you did very well. You were able to pull yourself back into the present surprisingly quickly."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her head bowing in shame.
"Don't apologize." It was Jasper that spoke now and Bella's eyes darted in his direction, her expression brightening when she saw him in the corner of the room.
"Jasper," she smiled.
"I'm impressed that you were able to pull yourself from that at all. That was quite the chaotic set of emotions you were mixed up in."
"Sor –" but she stopped herself before she could finish, "thank you," she corrected, smiling at him.
"Anytime, little lady."
Moments later Bella and I were alone, Carlisle and Jasper leaving just the two of us in the room.
"Are you ok?"
"I don't know," she answered honestly, her eyelids heavy with the imminence of her sleep.
"Can I hold you in my arms?"
"Please," she breathed.
I climbed in next to her, pulling her body gently against my own before wrapping her in the cotton sheets of the bed.
"Sleep now, love. I'll be here when you wake."
And with that, her heavy eyes shut and she drifted off to sleep.
She'd been restless the entire night, stirring constantly, crying out, thrashing. Her nightmares were wild and intense, overthrowing her in a moment's notice and then leaving her completely, only to return minutes later. I knew her sleep hadn't been restful, even with me lying next to her. I'd been by her side the entire night, whispering softly to her whenever the nightmares crept back up. It seemed to help, though my effect was admittedly minor.
It was an extraordinarily painful thing to witness. Her nightmares were so vivid, and she often cried out in her sleep, screaming my name – or screaming his. Tonight, as she tossed in the bed, she begged for his mercy – begged him to spare her.
Hearing her anguish was tearing through me violently, unleashing the darkest parts of me mind, pulling me from the grips of sanity before slamming me back down again.
I knew that when this was over – when Bella had made her choice and we'd returned home – the effort to find him would have to intensify. There was no other choice. The ominous threat he posed was eroding away at her, leaving her more fractured than she already was. She experienced no peace, as she so believed him to be capable of harming the people she loved. That tormented her above all else.
Daybreak came quickly, as the night had been short. Bella had only been asleep for five hours before dawn hit the skyline, and most of that she'd spent navigating the horror of her nightmares. I knew today would be painful, and I knew she was at the threshold of all that she could bear.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, searching for Alice's name in the phonebook.
"Edward," she breathed into the phone, relief ringing in her voice.
"How are things?"
"The same," she replied, frustrated. "How's Bella?"
"Did Jasper tell you?" I assumed he would have by now.
"Yes… I'm sorry." The anguish in her voice was palpable.
"Alice… she needs you," I explained "she's lost. She's tired. You've been distant and I understand why. It's been crisis management since we came back into her life, but she needs you now."
Of course I knew Alice's reasons for remaining distant – I could read her mind. But her reasoning wasn't for me to share. Alice's guilt was almost as consuming as mine. She blamed herself for lacking vision, for not seeing what was happening to Bella before it was already too late. She was angry with herself for allowing me to tear Bella out of our lives. The guilt from all of it was more than she could tolerate. She didn't know what to say to Bella, or how to mend what she'd broken – the trust that she'd destroyed.
There was silence on the other line for a few seconds, but I knew Alice was still there.
"I'm on my way," she choked out, her words heavy with her grief.
Relief washed over me.
Alice would know what to say. She would know what to do.
She always did.
"That stuff looks absolutely vile!" Alice looked disgusted, her face scrunched up into a look of horror as Bella took another small spoonful of oatmeal.
"You chose it," Bella laughed, her tone accusatory. Alice was sitting on the end of the bed, her tiny body a pile of oddly twisted limbs as she sat across from Bella, smiling widely as she watched her eat.
"I read a book about healthy human foods that suggested oatmeal was a good breakfast food. Apparently, it has a lot of fibre and is good for you. Plus, it's mushy and I figured that might make it easier to keep down."
"Well, for what it's worth, it tastes perfectly fine," she smiled, her eyes bright as she spoke.
"Sure, sure," Alice waved her hand, dismissing her claim.
Bella chuckled softly.
"Bella?" Her voice grew serious as her eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed.
"Yeah?" A look of sadness was tugging on the soft features of her delicate face.
"Are you ok?" Alice whispered the words, loud enough so that Bella could here, but soft enough that the gentleness in her voice was amplified.
Bella stilled, gently placing the spoon back in the bowl as she looked into Alice's face, her eyes transforming as the sadness brimmed in them.
"I don't think so," she said softly, her eyes glued to my sister's.
Alice nodded, her round, pixie face overburdened by the sadness that was transforming her features into something unrecognizable.
"Can I hold you, Bella?" She fidgeted uncomfortably on the end of the bed, waiting for Bella's reply.
Bella nodded, fresh tears falling from her tired eyes.
Alice moved with unparalleled grace to Bella's side, pulling her into her arms as the two embraced one another, clutching onto each other as though their embrace was capable of defying gravity.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her small hand smoothing across Bella's hair.
"It's ok," Bella choked out, struggling to push past her tears.
"It's not. It's really not. I'm so sorry I left. I'm so sorry I wasn't here." Alice gasped, holding on to her best friend a bit tighter than she probably should have, but Bella seemed relieved at the contact rather than bothered by it.
"I don't know what to do…" Bella wept, clinging to her as though she were a lifeline.
"That's ok. We'll figure it out. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to make these decisions alone anymore." Bella's body untensed as her limbs collapsed into Alice's capable arms.
They embraced a while longer, Bella sobbing as Alice held her in place, an unwavering beacon of support.
I watched, entranced by their love and their connection as I sat in the corner of the room, quietly observing the beauty of their reconnection. So enthralled in it I was that I almost missed the thoughts that were slowly growing louder and louder and louder as they approached Bella's room.
Room 342…. Room 342. Where the hell is it?
The thoughts remained focused on room 342: Bella's room. My mind was immediately on high alert. I stood, inconspicuously from my chair, moving to stand next to the door, acting as a guard.
I inhaled deeply, taking the scent of the approaching person into my nostrils, trying to asses who – or what – it was.
Human.
Whoever it was, they were human, and they were unfamiliar. I eased slightly, figuring that perhaps it was an orderly or a member of the hospital staff. Though there were strict orders for cleaning staff to steer clear of this room, it was possible that some inept staff member had failed to communicate our simple orders.
And then a knock came and my body flew into a defensive crouch and in seconds Alice was at my side, her body mirroring my own.
"Edward?" Bella, frightened, called out to me and I rushed to her side, pressing her against me in a protective gesture.
"It's ok. They're human – whoever they are. It's probably nothing, Bella. Alice and I are just being cautious."
As if on cue, Alice approached the door, opening it to reveal a thin, pale boy – no older than 19, wearing a green baseball cap with a single red rose stitched onto the front the, moniker "Ed's flowers", stitched across the front in white sitting just beneath the rose.
He looked petrified at the sight of Alice and I, hands shaking and heart thundering loudly in his chest.
"Is… is this… room 342?" He managed to choke out, his eyes wide and afraid.
"Yes," Bella said gently, her eyes soft as she took in his nervous appearance.
"These are for…" he glanced down at the elegant white vase in his hands, pushing aside the 12 dozen roses sitting inside to reveal a small, white card "these are for… Bella?"
Alice stepped forward, pulling the vase from his hands, twirling around as she shut the door in one swift movement, the young boy disappearing from our sight.
Her eyes ghosted over the card as she breathed out a horrified "no…"
I rushed to her side, pulling the card from her hands.
To Bella,
Our time together wasn't a complete waste, was it?
I can't wait to be a father.
-P
In seconds I was at the door, ripping it open as I flew down the quiet hallways, following the scent of the delivery boy until it led me to the stairwell, where I found him rushing down the flight of stairs as though he knew he was being followed.
I grabbed onto him from behind, slamming him against the concrete wall, holding him in place as I struggled to control the fury that was burning its way through me.
"Who sent you?" I roared, my hand tightening into a claw as I wound it behind my head, preparing to strike him if he refused to answer.
He was whimpering, crying, begging for mercy.
"I… I don't know!" He blubbered out, his body shaking with his fear.
"WHO?!" I roared, no longer bothering to contain my rage.
"Edward, stop!" Alice was standing behind me, her voice dangerously serious as she commanded me to let him go.
"He knows, Alice."
Alice paused, her body unnaturally still as she surveyed his quivering form.
Look at him, Edward. He knows nothing. He was probably sent here by Paul with no knowledge of what was really happening. He can barely defend himself against a rabid cat let alone an entire coven of vampires. He's an unfortunate pawn in Paul's game.
I considered Alice's suggestion, letting the possibility settle into my brain.
She was right. This child had no real knowledge of what was happening – he posed no threat. A quick look into his mind told me all I needed to know.
This was a part-time job that he did on weekends to help pay for college. He received the order early this morning from an unknown number. The money was wired to the company and the instructions for what was to be written on the card were given to him over the phone.
He had no real knowledge.
I dropped him to his feet and stared him down, baring my teeth.
"Leave," I commanded in a low, deadly tone. In seconds he was scrambling, running down the stairs as he tripped over his own feet.
I pressed myself against the hard concrete of the wall behind me, swiping a hand through my hair in frustration.
"Where's Bella?" I asked frantically. Alice looked at me, horror in her eyes.
We rushed up the stairs and back into Bella's room.
She was kneeling on the floor in the middle of the room, the small, white card cradled in her tiny hands, her face drained of all colour and her body swaying gently as though she were in a trance.
She stayed that way for a long while. Alice and I slowly, cautiously, approached her as one would a skittish wild rabbit, ready to run at the slightest provocation.
The silence dragged on for several moments longer as we tried to find something – anything to say. This torment… there were simply no words for it.
Bella's eyes widened as she found my face, her body shaking and her eyes wide and filled with terror.
And when she spoke, the sheer torture in her words brought me to my knees.
"Get this thing out of me – now."
A/N: There were so many intense reactions to last chapter! Thank you! I loved them all. I know this isn't the route some of you wanted to see this story go down, but a lot of this feels outside of my control. The story comes to me in bits and pieces, fitting itself together into one larger picture and sometimes the direction just feels outside of my control.
I love hearing from you! Please keep reviewing. It makes my week to hear from all of you and know that you're still with me, still with Bella and Edward despite this slow burn and the wild ride I'm taking you all on.
Hope your new year is a lovely one. The next update should come rather quickly - my kiddos are heading back to school so I'll have a lot more time to write once I'm not their primary source of entertainment 24/7.
'Til next time!
-mm