Chapter 21 – Transformed
EPOV
Bella slept restfully and soundly, curled against my body. I worried she'd feel too cold throughout the night, but on the contrary, she seemed at ease. She hadn't woken again, and she showed no signs of experiencing any nightmares. The pale moonlight cast a beautiful glow against her, elevating her quietly majestic body to an ethereal level.
My phone had started quietly buzzing on the shelf near the window right when the sun began to climb over the horizon, but I was reluctant to disturb Bella, who was finally sleeping without interruption, that I ignored it. It rang several more times over the course of the next hour, but I disregarded it each time, preferring to remain at Bella's side, her body wrapped against my own, so that she could indulge in the sleep she needed.
I wasn't surprised when I heard Carlisle's car approaching Bella's driveway. His thoughts were anxious, worried and filled with concern. He was confused because it was so unlike me to stay out of touch, especially where it concerned Bella and her well-being. But the sight of her body, finally at ease, resting without the hindrance of nightmares plaguing her sleep was enough to keep me here, in this very spot, unwilling to move for fear of disturbing her.
Charlie had already left for work, though he left a note downstairs on the door instructing Bella to call him as soon as she woke up. He left shortly before the sun had risen, and his worry was palpable. He stood outside Bella's door for several long moments, contemplating knocking, but worried that he would disturb her – he was as aware as I was that uninterrupted sleep was a rarity for Bella.
He eventually left, resolving to leave a note instructing her to call him as soon as she woke. Part of him was torn with leaving, but part of him was also relieved. There was an unspoken anguish that existed in him being near Bella – it was a reminder of all the ways in which he felt he'd failed her. And it was painful beyond expression.
Now Carlisle stood at the door, his thoughts filled with an equal measure of apprehension. He listened in, waiting to hear the sounds of movement he expected – confirmation that Bella was ok and that I was ok, too.
I thought about slipping out of Bella's grasp and meeting him downstairs, but I knew that if I were to shift from my position and leave Bella's side, she would wake up, probably terrified because I was absent. So I waited, knowing that Carlisle would follow the sounds of Bella's breathing and heartbeat to her bedroom.
Sure enough, seconds later he was at the door, a very slight and gentle knock reverberating against the old, wooden door.
"Carlisle," I whispered, low enough that Bella wouldn't have been able to hear it.
Edward, may I come in?
"Yes, but she's asleep."
The door creaked open, and I listened more closely to Bella's body and its signs, anticipating the sound would startle her awake.
But it didn't. She remained motionless.
The turn of Carlisle's thought was startling – he'd entered the room filled with worry and confusion and those emotions quickly changed when he saw Bella and I lying together in her bed.
This is outrageous! The harshness of his thoughts was not lost on me, but I didn't immediately understand their origins. Carlisle stood at the foot of the bed, his black, leather medical bag gripped in his vice-like hands. His body was vibrating with his anger, rolling off of him in intense waves.
I tried to assess his thoughts, but he turned on his heel, heading toward the door in a flurry of rage and anger.
"Carlisle!" My voice remained quiet but urgent.
"Bring Bella back to our home once she awakens. Goodbye, Edward."
My panic was beginning to mount as I struggled to understand what was making Carlisle so angry and volatile. I pulled my body from Bella's, taking care to not disturb her as I extracted my limbs from her own, sliding out of the bed as I pulled the covers up over her body.
By the time I caught up with Carlisle, he'd already made it to his car, his hand resting on the handle of the driver's side door as he paused in position, waiting for me to speak.
"What's going on?" I questioned, searching Carlisle's mind with renewed intensity.
"This is the absolute last thing I would expect from you, Edward. Bella's condition is so precarious, and she's barely making it through each day. It was unbelievably inappropriate to engage in that type of behavior with someone in Bella's present condition."
"What are you talking about, Carlisle?"
And then I found it, in his mind. Clear as day – screaming out at me with anger and intensity that startled me.
You and Bella were intimate… his mind flashed through to the image of Bella and I wrapped around one another in her bed, my upper half bare and hers covered only by her undergarments. Realization dawned on me in that moment, my body slumping and weakening at the mere thought of what Carlisle was suggesting.
I tried imagined the sight of Bella and me together from his perspective. I was struck, immediately, by the intimacy of mine and Bella's interaction.
She was barely clothed, wrapped up against me, and I was in a similar state of dress, clutching her against my bare chest in a highly intimate way.
"You can't be serious?" I growled. Carlisle glowered at me, his hand dropping from the door handle as he clasped both hands together with an inhuman strength.
"I'm quite seriously, actually."
"Carlisle, I would never dream of being intimate with Bella in that way... I wouldn't have ever considered such a thing before… all of this, it would be too dangerous for her, but now – it's the furthest thing from my mind."
"Why were you in bed together and undressed?" Carlisle glanced down at my bare chest and back up to my face, his expression transforming into that of reluctance and uncertainty.
"We weren't undressed for those reasons. Bella pleaded with me… the cold helps her sleep. The wolves, they're warm – burning hot. And her body remembers his, all the time. Even if she doesn't consciously remember, her body does. It's why her nightmares are so bad at night. But when she's with me, when she's in my arms and she can feel the coldness of my body, it soothes her."
Carlisle's eyes cast downwards and his hands unclasped as he shoved them into the pockets of his trousers.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
I searched his thoughts, unaccustomed to such a display of fragility and weakness from Carlisle that it took me aback, and left me unguarded and unprepared. Carlisle was never anything but composed and collected, but in this moment that was no longer true.
Something had shifted when he assumed that Bella and I had been intimate, and I wanted to know what it was that had shifted for him. I started to search his mind, but I stopped myself before I could delve any further, aware that I was violating his privacy in a very acute way.
"What is it, Carlisle?" I searched his face, trying to find hints of it there, trying to uncover the truth.
He shook his head as his hand came to run through his disheveled hair.
"I can't stop picturing it," he explained, inhaling deeply, drawing in the crisp morning air. I examined his face, trying to predict where he was going with this, trying to understand before he spoke the words without violating his privacy by rifling through his mind.
I watched the smalls droplets of morning dew and dust settle against his pallid skin, highlighting its paleness and flawlessness in a breathtaking way. His jaw was clenched and his body rigid as he held onto the images in his mind, clearly haunted by their presence.
"I've been witness to many horrors in my existence. I've watched the most depraved creatures of this world do the most unspeakable things. I am hundreds of years old, and I have witnessed a great deal in my time. But nothing… nothing has disturbed me as deeply as this has. Nothing has shaken me as completely as this has. When I watch her, when I touch her broken and battered body… it changes me each and every time."
I paused, overthinking every possible response, pulling the words back inside my mind as nothing could adequately explain how much Carlisle's words resonated with me.
"I know. I understand the feeling."
And I did. I knew the feeling well. It was a living, breathing life force that was building inside of me, growing with each moment of pain I witnessed Bella endure. It was transforming me.
Several months ago, I never would've dreamed that I'd see Bella in such intimate ways, but now it was as though it was a lifeline to both of us. The intimacies of the interactions had been overhauled and they were no longer uncommon or strange. They were necessary.
What had started as a kindling romance and a new, overwhelming love had grown into a deeply rooted, older and wiser kind of love. The bonds that were forming between Bella and I were unbreakable. Witnessing her pain, walking her through these moments, and watching her struggle to preserve my feelings, or support me through this process was catapulting our relationship into realms I'd never dreamed it would enter.
And though I understood some of what Carlisle was feeling, I couldn't understand why he didn't contrast his immediate reaction to this morning's scene against his intimate understanding of who I really was.
"Carlisle – you know me, better than almost anyone else in this world. How could you question me in such a way? How could you not know that I would never take advantage of Bella like that?"
"This ordeal has me questioning everything I know, Edward. Watching the depth of Bella's pain, and the brutality of that monster… it's shaken me. I'm only just beginning to realize it now that caring for Bella medically is becoming a less time-consuming job. My thoughts are free to wander more freely now that every moment of my time isn't consumed with making sure she doesn't medically deteriorate even more profoundly."
"I would die before I hurt her again," I whispered. Carlisle reached his hand out and placed it on my shoulder, gripping tightly in a gesture I recognized to be affectionate.
"She's awake," he said tiredly, pausing to listen to the sounds of the shower turning on inside the house.
"Yes, she is."
Carlisle looked at me, his eyes softening as he surveyed me with great intensity.
"You've changed," he remarked.
I nodded, agreeing with him.
"And so have you."
"Yes, I have." There was a long stretch of silence before Carlisle spoke again, "You should get inside, Edward. She'll be wondering where you are. Please, bring her to our home when she's ready so I can have a look at her?"
"Of course."
Carlisle drove away, but his thoughts rang loudly through the thick of the trees, across the highway and only disappeared when he was several miles away. I was glad to no longer have access to them, for the agony contained within his mind was resurrecting my own torturous array of thoughts.
I ran inside, worried that Bella would be concerned about my whereabouts. I waited inside, leaning against the door of her bedroom, waiting for her to finish in the washroom.
But time continued to pass and Bella remained where she was, apparently unmoving because I couldn't hear any of the sounds I normally would've heard, save for her strong and pronounced beating heart.
My concern piqued.
I gently knocked on the door of her washroom, waiting to hear her response.
But there was silence.
I knocked again, a bit louder this time, assuming she hadn't heard me the first time.
Silence again.
The only sounds that could be heard were the sounds of her heart beat, her breathing and of the water falling against her skin and the porcelain tub.
"Bella?!" I called out, trying to contain the panic that was ever present in my voice. She was here, she was breathing. She was ok.
I repeated the words like a mantra over and over again in my head, trying to reassure myself that she simply wasn't hearing me and that nothing else was wrong. The sound of her heart beating loudly and with reasonable strength should have been enough to assuage me, but it wasn't.
"Bella? Are you ok?" I questioned as I knocked again, this time with more force than before.
Still, nothing.
I placed my hand on the iron door knob and fiddled with it, checking to see if the door was locked.
It was.
More panic now.
I resolved to knock and call out to her once more and if I didn't hear her I'd go in.
"Bella?"
Nothing.
The door and handle easily cracked in my hand, bursting at the latch then swinging open.
My eyes scanned the washroom and I noticed several things all at once.
One: there were no clothes anywhere. Nothing on the floor, nothing on the hanger in the corner – nothing.
Two: there wasn't a drop of steam to be found. The air wasn't moist with the droplets of vapor that would have clung to every surface were the water warm. In fact, there was an unusual, icy chill to the air.
Three: Bella had not reacted at all to the sound of the door breaking, not even her heart rate changed in response to the jarring noise that I had produced in my effort to get to her as quickly as possible.
Something was wrong.
I rushed to the side of the tub, drawing back the shower curtain in one, swift motion.
Bella was sitting down, fully clothed, her back braced against the edge furthest away from the shower head with her legs outstretched. She was staring straight ahead, her eyes glassy and unfocused as tears poured out of her eyes. She seemed unphased by my presence, never once wavering her focus from the wall across from her.
Alarmingly, her skin had a blue hue to it, because all of the blood vessels near her skin were constricting in an effort to protect her vital organs. Her body was cold – too cold. The icy water had only been pouring down on her for a few minutes, but given how frail she was, her body had no extra insulation to protect her from the cold.
I turned off the water with one hand and scooped her into my arms with the other, pulling her against me as I stood up, grabbing a towel from the shelf. I wrapped her body in the towel, delicately drying her shaking body. She remained unresponsive despite the commotion, and my concern started to pique.
"Bella?" I whispered gently, trying to push all panic from my voice but certain that I wasn't successful in the least.
She didn't rouse. I pulled her into my arms, holding her against me with one arm as I pulled my phone from the pocket of my pants, calling Carlisle as I pressed the phone to my ear.
"Edward?"
"She's not responsive. She was in the shower – but the water was ice cold. She couldn't have been in there for longer than 10 minutes."
"What colour is she?"
"Her extremities have a bluish hue to them."
"You're holding her in your arms?" He asked, calmness radiating from his voice.
"Yes."
"Lay her down, Edward. The cold from the water combined with the coldness of your body is only compounding the problem. Is she dressed?"
"She was in the shower fully clothed. Her clothing is drenched."
"Ok. Will you be able to undress her to change her into dry clothing?"
"Yes," I replied without hesitation.
I rushed into her bedroom, placing her down on her bed and gathering up all of the blankets she had in her room, throwing them into a pile at the foot of her bed. I grabbed a pair of clean pajamas, all while keeping Carlisle on the phone.
"She'll be fine, Edward. Get her out of those wet clothes quickly and keep her warm. Make sure she stays covered. I'm on my way over – call me if anything changes before I arrive."
"Ok," I acknowledged, hanging the phone up and sitting next to Bella's bedside, stifling the reflexive urge to connect my body to her own, knowing that exposure to my body would only worsen her condition.
"Bella, love… I don't know if you can hear me or understand me right now, but I have to get you out of these clothes, ok? You're soaking wet and your body is getting too cold, too quickly. I'm going to undress you, and then I'm going to dress you in some dry clothing. Carlisle is on his way here to have a look at you and make sure you're ok. Can you nod if you understand me, love?"
But she didn't move. I wondered if she could hear me at all, or if she had any inkling of what was happening around her, or to her.
Having to undress her was an awful feeling. Knowing that she wasn't truly conscious for this, and needing to do it anyway, made me feel profoundly uncomfortable. I wanted nothing more in this moment than to comfort her, to speak to her and help her back into reality. But she was very, very far outside my reach.
I started with her upper half. She was wearing only a thin, white, cotton bra which I unclasped easily and then dried her with a towel, taking great care to handle her with exceptional gentleness. I averted my eyes, trying very hard to avoid staring at more of her than was necessary.
But my eyes, despite my efforts, found the angry, red welts that were scattered across her chest and remained there. My mind wandered into dark places as I considered what he'd done to her to leave those marks.
How had she felt?
Was she afraid?
Of course she was afraid.
What else had he done to her that we didn't know about?
She was still keeping so much from us.
Still guarding her thoughts and holding them close to her, unwilling to allow us in long enough to see her pain and carry her through it.
Carlisle knew more than I did, I was sure. He was so fiercely protective of Bella that he refused to allow me to see anything that was outside of what I needed to know in order to assure her safety. But I knew that he was concealing something from me – his thoughts were unusually guarded lately and given that he'd been the person to examine Bella it wasn't far fetched to believe he knew a lot more than I did.
Every time I looked at her body I saw a new marking that I'd missed before. A new place that he'd claimed for himself – another way that he'd brutalized this beautiful, pure, ethereal creature. Another layer that he'd stripped away from her.
My mind was wandering and I struggled to reel it back in, reminding myself that I had to get her warm again.
My mind worked so quickly and had such an aptitude for recall and contemplation that it wasn't unusual for me to get caught up in its inner workings and musings – especially where Bella was concerned.
"Ok love," I said softly, searching her body for signs of acknowledgment "I have to put this shirt on you and then I have to undress your lower half and put you into some warm, dry clothing."
As I pulled the shirt over her head I forced myself to remain focused, not allowing my thoughts to wander farther than was necessary for the task at hand.
My hands found the tie of her pajama pants, and I quickly pulled at the bottom of the loop before sliding the sopping wet lavender coloured pants off of her.
I growled at the sight of her.
Bruises covering every inch of her.
Ghastly, angry looking bruises that seemed to be concentrated in some areas and feathered out across all other areas. I could see where his hands had gripped her, holding her down, pressing her into the ground, possibly punishing her for her efforts to escape.
Her hips had seen the worst of it. Distinct, hand-shaped bruises were scattered across the too-thin flesh that stretched across the protruding bone. In the light of the morning I could see the outline of where his fingernails had dug into her flesh.
I could see where he marked her with his mouth.
I was stunned.
Motionless.
Unable to move, frozen in place as my mind struggled to work itself out of the protective mechanisms that had been tripped in my primal self at the sight of Bella's body.
Everything inside of me was morphing into a hunter – into a predator, seeking out it's prey, the primary goal in my mind was seeking out revenge – protecting my mate.
I removed my hands from Bella, knowing that I couldn't be trusted to handle her with the gentleness she needed to be safe.
I drew into myself, trying to internally quell the flames that were lapping at me, threatening to pull me under and hold me captive, surrendering myself to the monster the dwelled within.
And then, somewhere in the depths of my mind, I was pulled back into the present. My need to protect Bella, to keep her safe and bring her back to warmth won out over the monster that was gaining strength inside of me, threatening to overthrow me and gain full control for it's own agenda.
I quickly pulled her underwear on, followed by her pajama bottoms before I placed her underneath the fresh, dry covers, adding layer after layer until I was certain she was warm enough.
I took vigil at her side, waiting for Carlisle to arrive.
Waiting provided me with an uncomfortable moment of reflection. I wanted so badly to hold Bella in my arms. And knowing that what she needed in this moment wasn't something I could give to her, knowing that my body and its very nature was a danger to her in this moment, as it was in so many other moments. It was a familiar, painful reminder.
It was sobering.
"Bella?" I called out again, hoping to elicit some response – any response – from her now. But she remained silent and still.
I realized that the declining temperature of her body was only partially contributing to her current state of unawareness. Bella's shower was unnaturally cold. There was only one explanation for her choice to shower in the coldest possible water.
She was caught in the grips of a memory.
The burning that she described in her body had likely overwhelmed her. She had probably awoken to my absence, unable to cope with the force of her own memories she sought out the next best thing. She doused herself in frigid water to burn away the searing memory of his body claiming hers.
The thought made me growl before I could catch the sound in my chest.
I was thankful she wasn't conscious in a way that would've allowed her to catch the noise.
I glanced down at her, thinking of the night before and all the had transpired, trying to pull myself from the darkness of my own thoughts. This path, these thoughts – I'd been here before. And the bleakness of this moment had been the catalyst for my abandonment of Bella in the past. I couldn't trust myself to entertain any thoughts that might convince me to interpret Bella's achievement of safety as something that required my presence to be removed.
I closed my eyes, sitting on the floor, leaning my body against the frame of Bella's bed, allowing my perfectly preserved memory to recall the night before.
The moment had been one of extreme vulnerability for Bella – she'd been unable to undress herself. A task that normally would've been no issue had been transformed into something almost insurmountable.
I remembered the look of torment that had come across her face when she'd asked for my help. I could sense in her that she desired to accomplish this on her own, and was only asking out of complete desperation. She looked so vulnerable and frail in this moment, and so overwhelmed at the thought of having to relinquish this kind of control in my presence.
It was, of course, an honour for me – to help Bella in this way. To be of service to her when I'd felt so horribly useless to her for so very long now.
And, to my amazement, Bella's grief and anxiety seemed to melt away easily the moment my hands made contact with her bare skin.
I watched as the tight lines of her face relaxed, smoothing away to reveal a more youthful and carefree Bella.
Her hands unclenched from the fists they'd formed, and she let out a slow, soft exhale, as though all that she'd been holding in could finally be released.
It was something I could grow absolutely addicted to – watching Bella unravel herself in front of me, watching her body morph into what it had always been meant to be – a haven of beauty, ease and assuredness.
The moment I removed my hands, however, the lines on her face tightened and the concern began to mount again.
It wasn't long before the moment carried both of us away, my hands roaming across her body as she murmured her agreement, groaning softly against my touch, her pleasure abundantly apparent. I soaked up every morsel of it, feeling high on my ability to ease her – high on the ability to soothe the unbearable pain she'd been carrying inside of her body for so long.
And the feeling, of holding her in my arms, of revelling in the glory of her body once again, after all this time, was incomprehensibly healing for me. The space that time had wedged between us seemed to close effortlessly, our souls intertwining again as they once had.
And despite this, part of me felt like I was betraying her. Here, in her weakened state, the most vulnerable she could be and I was gaining pleasure from the mere contact we were sharing. I couldn't remove the ways in which it felt wrong, or the ways in which it felt perfectly right.
Though I hadn't admitted it to Carlisle, I couldn't deny that the experience had been pleasurable for me – and not just because I was helping Bella, but because I was attracted to Bella. Her body was something I couldn't deny caused parts of me to awaken that I wished would remain quiet in that moment.
But it wasn't something I could control, despite how inappropriate it felt to covet her body, especially in it's current state of injury.
"Edward?" I jumped to my feet as soon as the words left her lips, moving across the bed to grab her hands and hold them in my own.
"Bella, love?"
"Edward…" her voice grew softer, and I could hear the distinct quiver emanating from her.
"Bella, love. What is it? What do you need?"
She paused, pressing her head back against the pillow, tears falling from her eyes, pooling against the pillow.
"It's…" she struggled against the words, closing her eyes and turning her head away from me as she continued to speak "it's gone."
A devastating sob ripped from her body as she shook against the bed with disturbing force.
"What's gone, Bella? What?"
"The… whatever was… growing inside of me."
My heart sank and my body slumped forward.
Carlisle had warned that though she had been sure of her decision to terminate, it would likely reawaken inside of her at some point, and she would probably feel a great deal of grief. I just hadn't anticipated that moment would arrive so quickly.
I climbed in next to her on the bed, making sure that she was well covered by the layers of blankets I'd piled onto her before sitting my body down parallel to her own.
"I'm sorry, love," I offered, wishing there was something else I could say – something more sufficient to help ease the pain she was feeling.
She sobbed loudly, struggling to contain the grief that was roaring out of her body, uncontainable.
"I did this…" she cried out, her hand coming to rest against her stomach "I took it away. I… ended it."
"Bella, you made the right decision for yourself. And although it was the right decision, it wasn't an easy one. There was no easy decision… but you did what was best for you. You did what was right."
Bella shrieked before she threw her body against mine, clutching onto me with desperation. Part of me was aware that any contact with me meant dropping her body temperature even more, which was the opposite of what we were trying to do.
But a more prominent part of me knew that she needed me, and that holding her, while not the wisest idea, wouldn't harm her irreversibly.
And so I held her, pressing her body against mine, running the pads of my fingers across her face, catching her tears as they fell.
She stayed there, crying against me until Carlisle arrived at her door.
BPOV
"You don't have to do this, Bella. We can go back to Charlie's house and stay there for the night. Don't feel obligated…"
I was sitting next to Edward, in the passenger seat of his Volvo as he drove at an unreasonably fast speed.
"I know I don't have to… but I want to. I want some… normalcy. I want to do something that makes things feel like they used to," I explained, realizing that I was barely making any sense but hoping that Edward would understand me all the same.
He nodded and smirked, his eyes catching mine as he laughed softly.
"What?" I pressed, slightly annoyed at his laughing, but mostly overjoyed. Seeing Edward smile left me feeling blissful. It reminded me of what was, and what could be again… with time.
"You want normalcy, Bella. And normal, for you, means having dinner with 7 vampires?" Edward chuckled again, returning his eyes to the road, leaving only one hand on the wheel. The other hand, his free hand, rested idly against the middle console.
I knew he wanted to touch me, but wouldn't… not unless I initiated it.
And I wanted to, but something inside of me remained hesitant. Something inside of me wouldn't allow myself this moment of connection with Edward.
It was 8pm now, but earlier this day, in the morning, I'd fallen to pieces and completely unravelled.
Edward had slept in my bed the night before, his bare upper half pressed against my own because I craved the cold so deeply.
But when I woke up, he was nowhere to be found.
And so I panicked. The reality of everything that had transpired in the past two days hit me like a tonne of bricks, overwhelming me instantly.
The emptiness I felt in my body was paralyzing. All of the memories I'd been fighting to hold at bay found their way through, permeating my reality in an overwhelming and consuming way.
I was burning again.
It was as though someone had doused me in gasoline, lit a match and set fire to my body.
I sought relief immediately, turning on the shower, setting it to the coldest possible setting, not even bothering to remove my clothes before jumping inside.
And the rest was hazy, because I spent the next while oscillating between memory after memory after memory, completely overrun with the agony of remembering his body and its domination of mine.
Edward had undressed me, changing me into warm clothes. I understood why he had done it. But now I needed to have control back over my body. I needed to fold inside of myself and re-erect the walls I'd been working to build. I needed to be in control of my body.
And as much as I wanted to hold Edward's hand, something inside of me was resisting. Maybe it was a desire to create some autonomy over my own body again, or maybe I was just on sensory overload.
"So, will everyone be there?"
"Yes, everyone."
"Oh…" I tried to conceal the concern that was edging through in my voice but, true to form, Edward had caught it.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." I countered, praying he would drop it.
"Bella. Please?"
I didn't have the energy to avoid this.
"Is anyone…" I glanced over at Edward and stopped midsentence as I watched the realization sink in for him. He knew what I was getting at without me even having to complete my sentence.
"Of course. The wolves are keeping watch tonight. Almost their entire pack. They split up into groups and they're running the perimeter to make sure things are safe."
"And Alice… on the phone, when she invited me for dinner, she seemed so sure it would be completely ok. She sounded so confident I would say yes. She kinda sounded as neurotic as she used to," I explained, smiling out at the expanse of greenery that was flying past us as we drove down this familiar highway toward Edward's home.
"She can see you again," he explained, looking at me as he spoke. I avoided his gaze and continued to stare out the window.
I tried to stop the tears that were building inside of me, but it felt like there was a vice grip clamped onto my neck. I felt the heaviness, the weight of my relief. The weight of that realization and all that it meant.
He was gone.
He was out of me.
Really, truly out of me.
No trace of him left behind.
I felt myself exhale, my shoulders slumping forward as I did. My eyes were welling with tears despite my best efforts to suppress them. My heart was thudding wildly in my chest and my hands were shaking.
It was an unexplainable relief.
My body could be mine again.
I could belong to myself again.
I reached across the seat instinctively, finding Edward's hand and pulling it into my own, holding it against my thigh.
I tried to just feel him, to just focus on him and the feeling of his body against mine, but my mind was working overtime, thoughts of him warring with thoughts of where my body had been, what had been inside of it and how it had been transformed by Paul's violence.
I tried to shuffle the memories of him and the first time he'd ever laid hands on me, or given me a reason to fear him, out of my mind but they were there, sitting just at the surface, omnipresent as I tried to build my connection with Edward.
I drifted back to that night, months ago, before Paul had ever hurt me… before I really knew what he was capable of…
It was a balmy evening, rare for Forks and even rarer for this time of year. The older boys were planning on enjoying the weather by hosting a bonfire for everyone in the tribe. Jake invited me to come. I wondered if it would be inappropriate for me to impose, but he assured me that I was more than welcome to be there.
So here I sat, propped up on a moss covered log, staring into the flames as they danced about wildly, shooting from the fire pit catching on the bits of surrounding grass before fading aware completely. The crackle of the fire burning into the logs was soothing, whisking my mind away to moments that felt happier, and more secure. Moments that were filled with Edward and love and wholeness and fire.
"What's with you?" A strong voice jolted me from my thoughts.
"Paul, don't start." Jake's voice was menacing, and I knew his tolerance for Paul would be short tonight.
"Take it easy, man. I'm just messing with Bella. Isn't that right, sweetheart?" I cringed as Paul referred to me as sweetheart. It was something he did often these days, constantly pushing me further and further into a place of uneasiness around him. I didn't particularly like terms of endearment, but I would tolerate them under most circumstances. Usually the people using them meant well.
But something about Paul and the way he looked at me when he said it made me deeply uncomfortable. I could sense Jake's weariness around him, too. There was an unspoken tension that ran between them, creating a rift I couldn't quite understand.
"Don't call her that man. It's weird," Jake said accusingly, his eyes trained on Paul's.
"It's not weird. It's just my special way of showing Bella that she's part of the family. No big deal." He looked my way and winked, the action causing a deep blush to rise in my cheeks.
"Cool it guys." Sam's authoritative voice rang around the circle like a command, and every one sitting around the fire pit quieted immediately.
Odd. But I stored it away, shrugging it off as something about their bond that I just didn't understand. I made a mental note to ask Jake about it later, but as the night wore on it slipped further and further out of my mind.
We laughed, joked around, shared stories and roasted marshmallows and the nightly quickly faded away. It was approaching 2am by the time I thought to leave and Jacob walked me back to the place where my truck was parked near his and Billy's home.
"You OK to make it home from here, Bells?" His voice was filled with sleepiness and fatigue. He yawned loudly and I smiled at the sight of him, nodding.
"I'll be fine," I assured him, unlocking my truck as I chuckled.
"Cool. See you next week?"
"Sure thing, Jake. Thanks for tonight." He grinned, a goofy look taking over his features. And with that he was off, sauntering back in the direction of his home. I shifted into gear and pulled out of the parking spot, down the road and headed back to Charlie's house.
I felt relieved when I noticed Charlie's car parked in the driveway, slightly off centre but looking like it always did. I smiled as I imagined Charlie coming home, warming the pasta I'd made for him as he sat down to watch football. So predictable, so… Charlie.
"What's so funny?"
I jumped when a head poked through the open passenger side window. My heart was pounding wildly in my chest and I gripped the skin above it in my shock.
"Paul?" I squinted, trying to get a better look at the shadowed face. It was the middle of the night and I'd already turned my truck off so it was too dim know exactly who I was looking at. I was relying solely on my sense of hearing to register who the voice belonged to.
"The one and only." He pulled open the side door and jumped into the seat next to me, grinning widely in a way that made my stomach roll and my body fill with tension.
"What are you doing? Did Jake send you to make sure I made it home ok?" My voice was incredulous. At first I'd felt kind of scared to see Paul here, at my house. But the fear morphed into annoyance when I realized Jake must have sent Paul here to make sure I made it home alive.
"No. Jacob didn't send me." His voice was cold and precise and it sent chills down my spine. I gripped the steering wheel in front of me to steady myself against the uneasiness that was taking over all of my faculties.
And then I took a good, long, hard look at Paul's face my confusion turned to dread in seconds.
"What's going on?" I asked in a whisper. Paul grinned at me, and then place a single hand on my upper thigh. My reaction was instantaneous and seemingly outside of my control. I slapped his away and jerked my body away from his, to no avail. My efforts to get him away from me barely phased him.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He placed his hand on my thigh again and squeezed, hard.
"What are you doing, Paul? Get your hand off of me!"
"C'mon Bella, we both know you want this. I can see it every time you look at me." He bit his bottom lip as his eyes grazed over my body, resting on my breasts. His tongue darted from his mouth and traced across his lips as he squeezed my thigh again.
I rammed my hand into his in an effort to push him away, but he was unaffected. I struggled to reach for the door of my truck, planning to swing it open and run away into the house to get to Charlie, to safety.
But before I could he was pinned up against me, my body pressed firmly into the door behind me. His lips began roughly travelling across my face, searching for my mouth. One hand glided up the side of my body, arriving at my jaw as he roughly pulled my head so my mouth was on his.
I felt his lips press up against mine with bruising force and I did the first thing that came to mind: I bit down. Hard.
I watched as he recoiled, pressing against the passenger side door, staring at me as he huffed loudly. I watched him shake and tremble as his eyes grew angrier and angrier. His hand searched frantically for the handle and he pushed it open, stumbling out. He regained his balance and began to run toward the patch of forest lining the perimeter of Charlie's house.
And that's when I saw it: his entire body convulsed violently, his body jerking from side to side as his body shook and folded in on itself. Right before my eyes he began shifting into what appeared to be a large, wolf-like creature. And then he disappeared, no longer in my line of vision.
I pushed the door of my truck open and ran towards the house, fiddling for my keys. When I finally burst through the door I ran upstairs straight into my bedroom, closing the door behind me quietly.
I sank down right there, biting back the sobs that were rolling through me. My hand reached up and touched my face, travelling across all of the places he'd touched with his lips. I cringed and felt bile rise in my throat. I supressed the urge to vomit before collapsing down on my bed.
I heard a knock and shot upright, panic building.
"Bella? I heard you come in… everything alright?" Charlie's voice was soft and tender through the door, a shift in him that I still wasn't used to. I swallowed thickly, trying to right myself before responding.
"Yeah, I'm totally fine. Just wiped out! Long night," I called back, "but it was a lot of fun. Goodnight!"
"Alright then, g'night." And with that he walked away, leaving me to unravel once more on my bed as I replayed the last 20 minutes in my mind.
What had just happened? How had that happened? Why?
I knew Paul was… off, but I hadn't realized he was so aggressive.
And what the hell happened to him before he disappeared into the woods? If I hadn't already been well acquainted with all things odd I might not have believed my eyes. But I knew enough to know that you should never write off anything, even the things that seemed most impossible and absurd.
I stored the thoughts away as I focused on the ache in my upper thigh. I ran my hand along it, noting that I would likely have a large bruise to show for it in the morning.
A loud thump startled me and I rounded to face my window. My breath hitched as I saw Jacob pushing the window open, sliding into my bedroom with a suppleness that surprised me.
He looked at me and anger began swelling inside of him. I watched as he too began huffing loudly, his body shaking as he stood, staring at me.
I backed away slowly, terrified of what was happening to him and remembering that this was exactly what Paul had looked like before he'd morphed into some kind of monster right in front of my eyes.
But as quickly as the anger overtook Jake, it dipped back down again. I saw the concentration on his face as he tried to gain control of whatever this was. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. Only when he seemed calm again did he open his eyes and take a few tentative steps toward me.
"Please, let me explain," he begged with his hands outstretched. I quivered at the thought, wondering what Jacob could possibly say that could adequately explain what Paul had done.
"Firstly, Paul is being dealt with by Sam. I wanted to tear him to shreds when I heard… but I can't. I'm not the one calling the shots. I went for him, straight for his jugular but Sam ordered me to stop, so I had to." His eyes found mine as he searched for some sign of incredulity on my face.
I stared at him in shock, waiting for him to continue on and provide a better explanation for everything he'd just said.
"Sam ordered you… I don't understand?" Jacob rubbed a hand across his forehead, clearly looking frustrated, angered and pained all at once.
"Yeah… I kinda have to do what he says… I don't really have a choice. Sam is our pack leader…" he looked at me, waiting for my response but I remained completely silent.
"We're werewolves, Bella."
I looked at Jake and laughed a maniacal, crazy laugh. I giggled, the thought sending me into fits of inappropriately timed laughter. Jake stared at me, his eyes growing more and more concerned by the second.
"Bella? Say something…"
"Werewolves?" I managed to choke out between giggles.
"I think you're losing it, Bells." His voice was laced with real, genuine concern and I tried to ready myself to explain.
"It's just so ridiculous!"
"I know…" I glanced at Jacob and suddenly my laughter turned into sobs. The intensity of them overwhelmed my body, causing me to slump over as I shook with the force of each one.
"Bella, I'm sorry about Paul. He's a hot head and me and him have had it out for each other lately."
I nodded, holding my head in my hands as the cries began to dissipate.
"Like I said, it's being dealt with. I wanted to take care of him myself…" I noticed Jake's hands balling into clenched fists as he spoke through gritted teeth.
"It's fine," I tried to assure him, not making eye contact.
"No, it's not. I don't know what he would have done… if he didn't book it out of there to avoiding phasing next to you."
I peeked at Jake through my hands, cocking my eyebrow in question.
"Phasing… it's when we transition from our human form to our wolf form… it's kind of weird and complicated. The werewolf gene is passed down to us from our ancestors, who were also wolves. Anger can sometimes involuntarily trigger the switch for some of us, especially for those of us that don't have very good control of our emotions." He came to sit on the bed next to me, his eyes resting on me.
"So you think Paul… would have gone further if…"
"If you hadn't bitten him and pissed him off? Yeah… I know he would have." Anger began rising in him again, his face the easiest tell.
"Jake, calm down." I tried to even out my voice and emanate calmness, but it didn't appear to be working.
I was no Jasper…
My heart panged at the thought, and I wondered idly for a moment if the Cullen's knew werewolves existed, too?
Jacob cleared his throat and stood up, pacing the room.
"How do you know he would have, Jake?" His head snapped in my direction and he stilled.
"We can read each other's thoughts."
My eyes opened widely, staring at Jacobs intensely.
"Only each other's thoughts," he assured me. "We're not like your bloodsuckers, for example. We don't have special skills or anything, we're just connected by our tribe and blood bonds, and in wolf form we can hear each other's thoughts. It's not as cool as it sounds…"
"So you… saw? You saw him…" Jake cute me off, mercifully saving me from completing my thought.
"Yeah. And I want to tear him apart for it!"
"But… you can't… because of Sam?"
"Yeah. Sam is our alpha – the leader of our pack. When he commands us to do something, we have to do it."
"You have to?"
"Yeah… and believe me if I'd gotten my hands on Paul before Sam had come around he'd be dead right now."
Jacob's jaw tightened and I shifted uncomfortably.
"Leave it be, Jake. He didn't really do anything, anyway."
"It's gonna be dealt with, believe me." He began pacing the room again glancing uneasily at everything around him.
My mind was still trying to process everything that had happened when a thought hit me suddenly and forcefully: Jacob had called the Cullen's bloodsuckers. He knew about vampires?
"You know… you know about vampires?" Jacob chuckled softly, darkness still in his eyes.
"Of course I do! They're the reason we exist." I couldn't grasp what he was saying to me, it was overwhelming and there were too many holes in his story.
"Explain all of this to me, please," I urged, my eyes darting toward the computer chair sitting in front of my desk. Jake took the cue and sat down, facing toward me, his head in his hands. He looked exhausted.
"From the beginning?" he asked.
I nodded.
"From the beginning."
"Bella? What's wrong?" Edward's soothing voice pulled me back into the present, my focus shifting from the memory of Paul's hands on me, to this moment, where Edward was standing next to me, his hand outstretched as he waited to help me out of the car.
I looked up into Edward's eyes, soft as always, and placed my hand in his.
"Bella?" He asked again because he was concerned. I tried to quickly right myself, preparing to reassure him that all was well, decidedly unwilling to
"Nothing. I'm ok. Just… isn't it a bit weird that we're going over for dinner… because, well, y'know… you guys don't eat human food?"
Edward chuckled, his head throwing back as the sound bellowed out of him in a musical way. I smiled, unable to help it at the sight of him caught in this moment of apparent hilarity.
"I suppose it is a bit odd. But I have to say, they all take great pleasure in feeding you. It's become somewhat of an obsession for them."
I rolled my eyes, stepping out of the car as Edward flashed a toothy grin my way, my heart fluttering in my chest as he did.
We walked the short distance from his car to the house, Edward's arm snaked around my waist as he supported me against his body, easing the pain that walking caused me. He paused when we reached the bottom step of the grand porch, his body angling toward me as he eyed me seriously.
"Are you sure you're okay with this, love?"
I smiled and nodded. I knew this would be challenging, and that I would struggle with being in the same room as the very people that had watched me in my weakest moments, but I also knew that this needed to happen.
I needed to see them because I needed to speak with them.
I had a plan.
The perfect way to stop him.
The perfect way to keep us all safe.
I knew Edward would object.
He would say no – definitively and with finality.
But the rest of the Cullen's might not.
And I had to try.
A/N: I know this has taken forever to get up - and I'm sorry! Updates may take a little longer from here on, but only because I'm writing the chapters now and the pre-written chapters that only needed editing are all done.
Thanks for your reviews folks! Happy news: the next chapter is almost complete and is ready to be posted soon, after a bit of editing.
We're about to see things get a bit intense between Edward and Bella, and we'll see where that takes them. Meanwhile, the plotline concerning Paul will continue to unfold over the next several chapters. The end of this story is not in sight. There is so much left to tell!
Hope you're all well,
-mm