Chapter 22 - Changed
The Cullen's looked the same as ever – untouched by time and irreversibly frozen in a state of God-like perfection. It was a strange feeling to walk into their home, not for any other reason than I hadn't shared space with them in this way since before they left all those months ago.
Again, they were virtually unchanged in their physical appearance, but much had changed with regards to everything else. It was as though everything that happened these past several days had served to suspend the relationship and its former dynamics. What once was, was no longer.
Things had changed.
I noticed it the moment I walked in the door, to be greeted by Edward's family who stood at the bottom of the staircase huddled closely together with looks of pure joy plastered across their flawless faces. It was completely overwhelming, and Edward could sense as much immediately.
"Uhm… why don't we finish preparing for dinner, then everyone can chat with Bella while she eats," he suggested, trying to make his voice devoid of awkwardness, but failing in his attempts.
It didn't help that Emmett broke into a fit of laughter at Edward's suggestion.
Edward threw an intense glare Emmett's way, but Emmett didn't appear to even notice.
"C'mon, I'm not the only one that thinks it's hilarious that Bella is going to be the only one eating at a table of 8 people? We're basically hangin' around to watch Bella eat. It's hilarious!"
"It's weird," I clarified, my face serious. Emmett stilled and his eyes widened. Rosalie, who had wrapped her arm around his waist, gripped him even tighter to her as she made a low hissing sound.
I quickly realized they'd taken me seriously.
Everyone except for Jasper, that was. He could obviously sense the mischievousness behind my words and emotions and he smirked subtly at me.
"It's weird and it's hilarious!" I said again, allowing a giggle to escape me, hopefully helping ease the sudden tension that had budded in the room.
A sigh of relief involuntarily blew from the bodies of everyone around me. Edward's hand reached down, finding my own he caressed the back of my hand with small, languid gestures. It was meant to be comforting. And it was. He could sense how difficult this was for me, and I knew he could see through my attempts to make it through this with a bit of humor and deflection.
"It's so lovely to see you, Bella." Esme approached me, slowly and with caution, her arms outstretched as she came in for a hug.
I stiffened, my body reading any potential physical contact as a possible threat and responding accordingly. Esme stopped dead in her tracks and eyed me carefully, allowing me to make the next move.
I moved toward her, mentally chiding myself for interpreting her loving gesture as something possibly threatening. Our bodies connected and I felt my heart flutter, the feeling of her cold, hard body pressing against mine as she lovingly stroked my back was enough to make me feel full with love but sad at the same time.
Esme was so motherly, and while that was refreshing and very much needed, it made me miss Renee. But I pushed the thought aside because suddenly Esme was no longer holding me, and in her place was Alice, who was practically buzzing with her excitement. I hadn't even had time to register their swap, and it must have been a good thing because my body didn't respond with panic when I was wrapped in Alice's arms.
"Why don't you come into the kitchen? You can sit with us while we finish preparing," Esme suggested, her full, ruby red lips pulling into a heart-warming smile.
"Sure. Thanks."
Edward and I followed Esme into the kitchen and the rest of the family broke off into small groups, each attending to their own piece of preparation in relative silence. They worked so effortlessly together, every one of their actions complimentary to each other as they moved in a synchronous way that was nowhere near being human-like.
I watched in awe, appreciating the moment of silence and quiet to observe these incredible creatures in something as banal as dinner preparations.
Alice was arranging the table, setting a plate for me while Jasper pulled a bouquet of wildflowers together, catching a vase that Alice threw from the cupboard with one hand as he stuck the flowers into the vase in one, swift motion.
Alice glided in between everyone else, picking up things as she went, dropping them down somewhere else before moving on to the next effortless task – all the while moving far too quickly for me to register what she was collecting in her arms.
Esme was standing over the stove, stirring a pot filled with the most aromatic pasta sauce I'd ever smelled, bringing the ladle filled with sauce to her nose as she tried to determine whether or not it was any good through her sense of smell alone.
I stood from my chair and walked to her side.
"Can I try a taste? I might be a better judge when it comes to human food and its tastiness."
Esme smiled and side-stepped, allowing me to stand directly over the pot. It smelled tantalizing. The aroma of red wine wafted from the meat sauce and filled my nostrils, causing my mouth to water immediately.
And it tasted exquisite. Truly, it was comparable to a dish you might order at a fine dining restaurant. Perfectly balanced with every keynote of flavor accentuated beautifully.
"It's incredible," I explained, helping myself to another small spoonful.
"You think so? I've been back and forth about it all day long. I keep smelling it to get a sense of whether or not it's any good, but our sense of smell is so different from that of a human's… there really is no easy way to gauge it."
"Everything you make is delicious, Esme. And this is no exception."
She smiled and reached a small hand up, resting it on my face, closing her eyes as she held it there for a moment.
It was brief, but the affection in her touch pushed me into a realm of emotions I'd wanted to avoid. I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes and in seconds Edward was by my side, his arm snaking around my waist as he pulled me into his embrace.
I tried to breathe deeply, to push the tears back down inside of me, but they were unwilling to cooperate. I could feel them falling from my eyes, soaking the front of Edward's navy blue button up shirt as I silently sobbed against him.
A few moments passed and I pulled my head away from Edward's chest and looked up into his eyes.
"What's wrong with me?" I whispered, desperate to keep some part of myself and some part of this trauma guarded.
He opened his mouth to answer but before he could someone else did.
"Nothing." It was Jasper. He was leaning against the counter opposite us, his arms folded across his chest and his demeanor casual but intense.
"Nothing is wrong with you at all. Your emotions are all normal, and honestly, pretty far advanced from where I'd guessed you'd be today. You're emotional, Bella. And that's ok."
I smiled, my heart warmed and overwhelmed with Jasper and his sentiments. It meant so much coming from him because I knew that his words were steeped in honesty. Jasper could feel my emotions almost as well as I could. He knew them intimately.
"It's ready!" Alice's voice cut through the silent exchange we were sharing and in seconds everyone was filing back into the room, heading towards their respective spots at the table.
Carlisle sat at one head, with Esme at the other. Edward sat to his left and Alice on his right, sitting opposite Edward. Next to Alice was Jasper. I sat next to Edward and Rose and Emmett sat across from one another both on either side of Esme.
I was protectively cocooned in the middle of them all, and surely the arrangement wasn't made accidentally.
I wanted to object, to protest and stand up to declare myself capable… but I couldn't. Because I didn't really want to. Because right now, surrounded by seven strong, gifted vampires I actually felt safe.
And that brought me to the next moment, the moment where I was sitting, huddled in the middle of these people, plotting how I would broach the next subject without causing complete upheaval and chaos.
Before anyone could try and serve me, I helped myself to a small bowl of pasta, pouring a generous serving of the delicious sauce over it and settling in to eat.
The conversation taking place around me was casual and easy. Emmett and Jasper argued playfully over the latest sports game while Alice rolled her eyes and mocked them whenever there was a pause in their conversation.
Rosalie looked bored and uninterested. Esme sat quietly, an amused look in her eyes and Carlisle was unusually disengaged. He appeared removed, his face filled with an unfamiliar detachment that was almost never found in his soft, aware features.
I realized it was now or never. I wouldn't remain courageous long enough to postpone this.
It had to be now. I cleared my throat in an effort to gain their attention.
And it worked.
I braced myself, staring out at the seven pairs of eyes that were now locked on my own. I closed my own eyes, inhaled deeply, and opened them again.
I was ready.
EPOV
"Bella, everything ok?" Jasper's voice was edged with light concern. I'd sensed it in him from the moment we arrived. He could feel in Bella that there she was grappling with intense anxiety– she was apprehensive, nervous, tense. He'd shrugged it off initially, attributing it to other things. But right now, as Bella sat at the table, inhaling and exhaling as though to ground herself into the moment, he could tell something more was going on.
I remained silent, hoping Jasper's prompt alone would be enough to coax Bella into telling us whatever it was that had her feeling such an intense flurry of emotions.
Sitting in the same room as Jasper and Bella was the closest I could ever get to hearing her thoughts. Jasper would read her emotions, I would read his thoughts and then I would have some clue to how she was feeling or at least confirmation for my own theories about her current state of being.
I could read Bella very well, but there were parts of her that were elusive – too difficult to grasp on to through mere observation because she was a person that went deeply inside herself as a mechanism for coping.
Bella focused, inhaled, exhaled and then spoke.
"Well, actually… no. It's not ok."
I felt the room stiffen, everyone sitting more upright, their bodies naturally stretching in the direction of Bella as they listened carefully.
"Are you unwell, Bella?" Carlisle's words were hollow and detached, but his face was filled with genuine concern. His thoughts were unusually guarded today, though I could still pull them apart enough to know what was going on with him.
He was unraveling, so to speak. Well, as much as a vampire could unravel, anyway. His thoughts were spiraling and he was struggling to control the rage that was beginning to consume him. It was apparent that Carlisle was taking this harder than any of us could have imagined, and now that his mind wasn't as preoccupied with Bella's physical condition he was able to expend a lot more emotional energy on processing everything that had happened.
"No. I'm not unwell."
I studied the faces of my family and noticed that they were all anxiously awaiting Bella's admission – except for Alice. She sat back in her chair, a very small smile on her face as she observed the scene that was unfolding before her eyes.
I tried to search her mind, but the only thing I could find in it was her deliberate attempts to keep me at bay.
I glared at her, realizing quite quickly that she'd already seen this moment, and she knew what Bella was about to say.
"I have an idea. And I need all of you to agree to listen before you respond. Let me finish what I have to say and please, listen to what I'm asking. Consider it…"
"Of course, dear. You should expect no less from all of us. I'm certain we'll all remember our manners and give you the opportunity to finish what you have to say before we respond." Esme smiled and sat back in her chair, folding her hands across her lap as she listened with absolute attentiveness.
"Do the rest of you agree?"
Synchronously, the rest of my family nodded in agreement. But I did not. I was reluctant because I was certain that whatever it was Bella was about to ask would be something I might not find agreeable. I rushed through the list of options and it wasn't long before I landed on several possibilities that seemed most likely.
"Edward?" Bella's soft voice interrupted my musings, and I stared at her, trying to read her before agreeing.
Her eyes left me stunned, however, and unable to do much else but contemplate what could be causing her such deep pain in this moment. I could sense that she was trying to conceal whatever pain it was that she was feeling, but to me, it was clear as day.
"I agree," I affirmed, nodding in her direction, my eyes softening as I tried to send her silent waves of encouragement and comfort.
"I would like to be changed into a vampire."
It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, as all of the life-force that I contained inside of me was ripped away. I sucked in a sharp intake of air, steeling myself against the powerful array of emotions that were surfacing for me – trying to remain composed, struggling to honor Bella's requests of me. Every instinct inside of me wanted to run to her side, embrace her and explain all of the reasons why this wasn't a good idea, why we couldn't do this, why this would be the worst possible decision we could make.
This was the worst case scenario on my list of possibilities.
"Before any of you object – please listen to my reasoning… I've been contemplating this for a very long time, long before anything… happened to me. When I first knew what Edward was, when I knew that we were created for each other, it seemed only logical that I would be like all of you, one day. I didn't have a timeline for when I wanted it to happen, but I imagined it would be a decision we made together. Of course, I found out last year that Edward wouldn't be willing to have that happen at all. It was the last thing he wanted. But that didn't change anything for me. I still knew, in some part of myself, that I would be one of you one day. And then Edward left. And even then… I was still sure. I could feel it in my body. I could sense it in my soul…"
I couldn't listen to anymore. There was a fury bubbling inside of me at the thought of Bella giving up everything to become one of us, effectively becoming a monster.
She spoke of her soul, but she didn't realize that becoming one of us meant she would no longer have a soul.
"Enough." My voice was hard and sharp, ringing with finality. There was an unintended harshness to it that I'd failed to keep in check.
Bella jumped, obviously startled by my outburst. I watched her, noting that she sunk slightly, her body shrinking down into the seat as her eyes softened and her lips quivered.
"This isn't up for discussion, Bella. This isn't what you want." I intended to say more, but I worried I wouldn't be able to speak without unleashing the fury inside of me again.
"Edward!" Alice stood from the table, her eyes locked on mine as she cast expletives my way through her thoughts.
"Quiet, Alice. This isn't for you to decide. You need to stay out of it and mind your own business – for once."
I heard Jasper growl from across the table but he didn't need to intervene because as quickly as I had spoken Alice had hurdled her rebuttal back at me.
"What makes you think you get to make this decision for her? What makes you think that it's your right?"
"Because I know what the consequences are! And Bella doesn't. She's trapped in some sort of illusion where becoming one of us means becoming a superior creation. She doesn't realize what she's giving up!"
Our voices were raised, but we hardly noticed – we were too consumed by the fierceness of the moment to register how this was impacting Bella.
"You aren't her keeper, Edward. You don't get to decide what Bella does with her life," Alice shot back at me, her eyes growing darker in her intensity.
"That's ENOUGH!"
Carlisle's voice was low, nowhere near a shout, but it was booming and commanding. Alice and I stopped speaking immediately, all of our attention diverted to Carlisle.
"Both of you need to shut up!" A sense of shock filled the room as everyone present was so unaccustomed to hearing Carlisle speak in such an unrefined manner. He stood from the table and walked to Bella's side, and that's when I realized what was happening.
Bella's head was resting in her hands and her lips were quivering as her body pulsed with anxiety and fear.
The look of terror in her eyes winded me.
She was petrified of us. And she was crying as she rocked back and forth in her seat.
"Bella, dear." Carlisle knelt by her side, his hand coming to rest on her upper back as he rubbed small, soothing circles across her shoulders.
"You're safe," he cooed, repeating it over and over again, his voice softening with each syllable he uttered.
The room was completely still. We were unmoving, very much resembling statues as we watched Bella and Carlisle interact, sharing an exchange that was spectacular beyond description.
"Bella, love," I started but Carlisle's hand flew up, stopping me dead in my tracks before I could speak another word. I listened to his silent command, realizing that I'd failed Bella in this moment – I'd allowed my anger to cloud my instinct to protect her and I'd made her feel so very unsafe in my presence.
"Why don't you all give us some space?" Carlisle suggested, "we'll meet you in the sitting room once we've had a few moments to decompress."
And though it sounded like a suggestion, we could all hear clearly in his voice that it was a command. And so we complied, each making our way to the sitting room and taking our respective places on the lounge chairs as we sat in waiting.
I could hear the sounds of Carlisle offering words of comfort, gently coaxing Bella out of her terror and panic and back into a realm of safety where she was met with his explanation of what had just happened.
She was confused at first, unclear about her surroundings which piqued her panic a bit more. Carlisle patiently walked her through the last hour, arriving at our home, finishing dinner preparations, eating, talking and finally, the moment where Bella had retracted from the present and fell back into her past in foreboding terror.
"Are they… are they…" she could barely string two words together as her voice shook.
"Are they angry with you?" Carlisle guessed, trying to complete her question.
Through Carlisle's thoughts, I watched her nod in silence, her eyes casting downwards as though she was overcome by profound feelings of shame.
"Not at all, my dear. I think you'll find that this family is filled with strong-minded individuals and that each of us cares deeply about your well-being. And because of that, we all feel so very invested in your future. What happened tonight was merely an example of that put into action. Alice and Edward clashed because they both care about you very, very deeply."
Bella seemed to calm somewhat with Carlisle's words. Her breathing slowed, her heart rate stabilized and the shaking that she'd be fighting against was nearly non-existent.
Several minutes later she and Carlisle emerged from the dining room, Bella looking absolutely worn and Carlisle looking renewed but aggravated. He shot a warning look my way and his thoughts contained a harsh reprimand.
I nodded in acknowledgment, grateful that he'd managed to keep his emotions in check long enough to prioritize what was best for Bella, especially when I was not capable. It was no small feat, especially considering where his mental state had been for the past several hours.
Carlisle helped Bella to her usual seat in the lounge across from the couch I was sitting on. She sunk into the seat and folded into herself, her body so slight and frail that the overwhelming fabric seemed to swallow her whole. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her body was still shaking, though it was slight enough that it wouldn't have been noticeable to human eyes.
She sniffled, running her hand across her forehead as she cast her eyes downwards, purposefully avoiding me.
"Now," Carlisle started, with a new heir of authority in his voice "we will ALL listen to Bella, and then we will discuss this matter civilly, without any shouting or screaming, and we will behave like civilized people. Is that clear?"
The room was silent, but everyone nodded in unison, no one daring to cross Carlisle in this moment.
"Good." He turned to face Bella "now Bella, do you feel able to pick up where we left off?"
She nodded, pushing against the cushion to prop herself more upright as she spoke.
"I know…" she stuttered over the words, her voice still thick with her tears and her fear "I know this is hard for some of you to accept… but I've thought about this a lot… this isn't something I came to overnight. And with… Paul" she choked out his name, her lips quivering as she spoke it and her eyes welling with tears, but she persevered "with Paul still out there, and no real way to guarantee my safety or yours… this seems like the best option. I want everyone to agree – I don't want to do this if any of you don't agree to it… I feel like that will only cause more trouble. And I wouldn't want to put any of you in the position of having something happen against your will."
She was quiet now, her fingers tangling together and she avoided looking up.
"Thank you, Bella. I know it must have been difficult to share that with us, to bring forward this request knowing how strongly some members of this family feel about this possibility. I'm grateful for your honest and for your courage." Carlisle's voice was the softest I'd heard it in days, though the thoughts inside of his head didn't even remotely resemble the words he was speaking aloud.
"I can't imagine how hard this had been for you, Bella. I'm only glad that you've started to regain some trust in us. This is a huge decision, one that I know you haven't taken lightly. And with that I want you to know that I support you, and I will support you in any decision you make – this is no different." Jasper's voice was confident and clear, and I could tell from his thoughts that he chose to respond first because he'd hoped he could ease some of the anxiety and tension Bella was feeling by offering his support.
He apologized from within his thoughts but didn't dwell on the matter any longer. He'd made his decision and he was unafraid to stand by that decision.
"I'm in, Bells! Hell, you already know I consider you family and if this is what you want, I'm all for it! I knew it would happen sooner or later." Emmett smiled at Bella, his words genuine and true.
Internally, I was screaming in rage, struggling to maintain myself in front of Bella and my family because I was slowly watching this crumble so far outside of my control that I wasn't sure I could reign in back in.
Still, I depended on Rosalie to be on my side, to agree with me. She'd always been disturbed by the thought of someone voluntarily electing to live this life, and I imagined that Bella would be no different. I could hear Esme warring with the various parts of herself as she tried to pick the situation apart in a way that was most logical, most just and most fair to Bella.
"Of course, dear. I trust that you've thought about this deeply. And if you have, and this is still what you want, then I support you. I'd only ask that you give us some time to plan this, together. Let us make sure we do this in the best way possible so as not to make matters worse in any way. That's all that I ask and you have my unwavering support." Bella glanced up and met Esme's eyes for a moment, silently conveying her gratitude for Esme's support.
Meanwhile, my frustrating was mounting considerably. I was growing angrier and angrier with each passing second and listening to the thoughts of my family members wasn't helping.
Several more minutes passed and in those minutes Alice and Carlisle had already agreed, and those only voices left unheard were mine and Rosalie's.
I remained quiet, allowing Rosalie to speak first.
"This is hard for me, Bella. Not because I don't want to support you… and not because I don't understand. But because I can't imagine anyone choosing this life for themselves. I can't imagine making that decision myself, all those years ago after what happened to me… When I think about it now, I'm positive if I'd been given the choice, I would have said no if I truly understood what it meant to be a vampire."
Rosalie paused, her shoulders rising and her chest inflating as she inhaled deeply, taking a moment to collect her thoughts as she did.
And in that moment, her mind changed. Her thoughts shifted and she had an intense revelation.
"I'd started off thinking I would say no, that I didn't agree. I would place my vote for you the way I would've for myself had I been given one. But I've only just realized that you and I have endured similar pain, but the difference is that you do have some understanding of what it means to be a vampire. And still, this is the choice you'd make. That alone wouldn't have been enough to convince me before, but now… after everything you've been through… I think you've earned the right to the haziness that comes with being one of us. Your human memories will become foggy at best, almost nonexistent at worst, and for you, I can see how that might actually be ideal. And maybe you'll get to take matters into your own hands, just as I did with Royce and his gang."
I growled involuntarily, lunging toward Rose but was immediately stopped by Jasper's outstretched hand, dragging me back. And I was in control enough to pull myself back into reality as I made no attempt to resist Jasper's efforts.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my eyes settling on Bella's quivering form "can I speak with you alone, Bella?"
"Of course," she whispered, her eyes landing on my own and I was sure in that moment she knew what my answer would be.
I watched as my family filed out of the room, slowly, each of them eyeing me, cautioning me from within their thoughts to tread lightly and be gentle with Bella.
It was heart warming to know that they were all so protective of her, that they cared for my mate deeply, and were bonded to her in very real and intense ways. But my gratitude was far overshadowed by my anger. I felt betrayed like my trust had been destroyed by the people I called my family. Could none of them see what I could see? How could they agree to this when it was surely a rash decision, one that Bella hadn't given enough thought, because how could she?
She was governed by her fear and trauma. Why were they so blinded to that reality?
I moved to Bella's side, pulling up a chair next to hers, moving carefully so as not to startle her.
"Bella?"
She nodded but avoided eye contact.
"I'm sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I understand that it must have been frightening, and I'm sorry that I didn't consider how it might have affected you."
"It's ok." She nervously pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, still avoiding eye contact.
"I need to know something, Bella." Finally, her chin raised and she found my eyes, holding there as I spoke.
"Why do you want this?"
Her eyes glimmered with tears, catching the light and reflecting the brilliant shades of light that were casting down around her.
She stayed quiet, delving deep into her thoughts as she considered my question. Her teeth caught on to her bottom lip again and refused to let go as she repeatedly pulled the raw looking flesh into her mouth, biting down in what had become a nervous habit.
"I'll never be the same," she explained, her head falling and her shoulders slouching as she worked very hard to keep the quiver out of her voice "and nothing will ever be the same for me again. I… I don't want to see him anymore, Edward. I don't want to see him instead of you whenever we touch. I don't want to feel him burning against me as a new normal. And I don't want to be trapped in the endless loop of my mind as I try to eject him from my memories. I don't want to think about the little life that was growing inside of me, that I had to put an end to because I couldn't cope with what that meant for me… or for us. I don't want to feel him anymore…" she inhaled, swiping a hand across her cheeks as she tried, and failed, to catch the tears that were falling.
"I don't want to feel him… inside of me… because sometimes it's all I can feel. I want to forget, Edward. And I want to be with you – forever. I'm not sure of anything anymore, but I'm sure of you, and I'm sure of this decision."
Her words struck a chord with me as I considered what she was telling me. I knew things were hard, but hearing her giving life to these feelings, for her to share them with me, it was crushing and devastating.
I knew he governed most of her waking thoughts, and that her memories and flashbacks were visceral and manifested in very physical ways. But I hadn't realized how much thought she'd given this arrangement.
And still, I was left with the same conclusion. I was left in the same place.
This was too soon, and I feared she'd regret it one day. I feared she hadn't fully considered the ramifications, or that she hadn't truly understood what this would mean for her life and for those that loved her that she'd had to say goodbye to.
"No."
I tried to keep my voice soft, but I knew that I had to be unwavering and formidable. I had to ensure that she could sense no faltering in me because if she could, she might persist.
"What?" She looked at me, incredulous and unbelieving.
"I can't agree to this," I explained, trying to remain resolute.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't think you truly understand what you're asking, and I think that your grief is in control of your decision making right now. I think you need to give yourself time and space to truly consider what this will mean for you and the people you love. And you have to know that our family is more than capable of protecting you, Bella. You don't need to become like us to make sure you're safe. We'll protect you always, no matter what. Maybe one day this will be the path we take, but for today, I can't agree to anything that takes away your soul… not when you're under duress."
Suddenly Bella's hand was raised in the air and flying toward me, palm splayed and open as she tried to connect with my face. She intended to slap me, but my reflexes were far superior to hers and before she could land against the diamond-like hardness of my face I'd caught her hand mid-air, surely saving her from a broken hand.
She looked even more enraged now.
"Bella," I whispered, trying to convey calmness and rationality in my voice.
"Don't!" She shouted, her voice sharp and unforgiving.
"Bella, please."
"No," she ground out, burying her face in her hands and she growled in frustration "here you are gain, Edward, thinking you know what's best for me, making decisions for me without even considering what I want."
"I've considered it, Bella. And I'm not trying to make decisions for you. I'm trying to help you see the gaps in your logic."
She flew to her feet, running towards the door in a fit of anger.
"So I'm illogical now, am I?"
"That's not what I meant." I stood and walked over to the door, but her hand flew out in front of her, signaling for me to stop.
"Leave me be, Edward. I want to go home now."
"Don't go, Bella. I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye on this, but I don't want it to fracture our relationship."
"Too late. I trusted you, Edward. I trusted that you saw me as more than a silly little girl who needed your protection and saving. But you don't. And the logic that made you say no today is the same logic that made you decide to leave me months ago. I won't sit around and let that happened to me again. So. Take. Me. Home!"
She was shrieking now, her anger rife and uncontrollable.
I nodded, acquiescing to her demands because they were massive and consuming in this moment, and it was evident that nothing I could say would help her calm down.
"I'll get your stuff and then we can get going."
"Actually, have someone else drop me home," she demanded, still avoiding my eyes.
"Bella, you know that I can't leave you unattended. For your safety…"
She nodded, agreeing.
"I know. But I don't want to endure the car ride home with you. Someone else can take me and you can all figure out the rest."
"I'm sorry," I offered, knowing it would be meaningless to her right now.
"I'm only sorry I can't be alone. That I can't be away from you right now. If I could… if he wasn't still out there… and if I wasn't terrified of what he would try to do to me the moment I was alone I'd make sure I had as much distance from you as humanly possible. I want you to hear me, Edward. Stay as far away from me as you can. Don't try to contact me unless it's a matter of safety… or life and death. If you can't respect any of my wishes, at least try to respect that."
Bella's anger was consuming. I understood her its origins, but I couldn't fathom why it had grown to such magnanimous proportions. She was overall a very rational person and if anything she as prone to underreacting to bad news, not overreacting.
Carlisle and Alice immediately volunteered to drop her home, and Jasper and I wouldn't be far behind. The four of us would remain outside her house to keep watch while Emmett and Rosalie scoured the area for signs of Paul. Esme would remain at home and keep an eye out there.
As soon as Carlisle, Alice and Bella pulled away in Carlisle's car, Jasper approached me.
"She's pretty angry, isn't she?"
I nodded, not in the mood for small talk but desperate to hear Jasper's evaluation of her emotional state so I could gain a better understanding of her reaction tonight.
"She's not just reacting to you, Edward."
I leaned against the banister of the staircase, my eyes trained on him as he spoke.
"Her emotions are a combination of lots of different things. Some of it's you, but mostly it's just anger she's had brewing inside of her since this mess started. She's real hurt and she's real angry. And she's very scared. It's the first time she's actually allowed herself to feel those feelings since it all started happening."
"Will she come around?"
"Eventually," Jasper mused, opening the front door, gesturing for me to join him. In no time we had taken to the forest and were running towards Bella's home to meet Carlisle and Alice there.
"So her anger… it isn't just because I wouldn't agree?" I questioned as we ran, picking up on Bella's scent the closer we veered to the highway.
"No, it's not. Although, that made her mighty angry, too. Mostly she's just… angry. And she's been in shock for so long that I don't actually think she's had a chance to feel any of that anger."
I thought about his words for a few moments longer, allowing them to sit long enough to really settle into my consciousness.
"What do I do?"
"Let her be."
"What do you mean?"
"Look, I understand why you said no. I get it. If I were in your position, I might say no, too. I feel confident in her decision, but I think the rashness of it is because she's trying to run away from this. Still, I don't think she'd regret it, I just think it's sooner than it needs to be. Alice is sure of her decision…"
I faltered slightly at his admission, falling a few paces behind him but quickly catching back up.
"What do you mean Alice is sure?"
"I shouldn't say much more. Talk to Alice."
I tried to search through his mind, but could only catch glimpses of what he was alluding to.
"Stay out, Edward." He warned, eyeing me seriously.
I stayed silent for the remainder of the run until we arrived at Bella's house.
I found my usual spot in the tree near her window, pressed against the furthest branch so as to avoid being seen. I listened to the sounds of Bella inside the house. Charlie was home and they were chatting, though I could hear that Bella was trying to keep the conversation brief.
She had started to make her way upstairs shortly after 9 pm and as she did Charlie muted the basketball game and called out to her.
"Bells?"
"Yeah, dad?" She called back, her voice tired and sad.
"Uhm… make sure you lock your bedroom window, alright?"
Charlie couldn't have heard, but I did. Bella's hand flew to her mouth and she shrieked into her fists, a sob ripping through her body. She fumbled the rest of the way upstairs and as soon as her door opened I could see her again. She gently shut the door behind her, and then she collapsed against it, sliding down the door as she yelped in pain, clearly ignoring the protest of her body as she sunk to the floor.
She remained there for a very long time, sobbing against the door as she eyed the window, her eyes filled with terror as she did.
I couldn't understand why Charlie's comment had brought her such anguish. I desperately wished I could read her thoughts, but alas, her mind remained silent to me.
Jasper and Alice were standing at the flanks of the house, watching both East and West while Carlisle stuck to the back, holding the Southern tip and guarding from there.
I sought out Jasper's thoughts, trying to see if he could get a read on Bella's reaction.
She's afraid. He explained. As soon as Charlie said that she was overwhelmed with fear.
With Jasper's assessment, I knew why Charlie's suggestion elicited such fear – he had come into her bedroom through that window. He must have. Why else would she feel petrified at the mere suggestion?
It disturbed me deeply and I tried to push out my imaginative ponderings because my mind was traveling to very, very dark places.
And so I sat, perched on the branch, listening to Bella, unable to help, unable to understand what she really needed in this moment. Part of me wanted to go to her, but the other part was wary of making her think I wasn't capable of respecting her wishes. I knew that part of Bella's anger was the reminder I'd unearthed in her mind of the last time I made a decision for her… when I left her for months on end because I thought it was best for her. There was no way I would do that now, but I could understand why it had triggered such intense feelings for her.
Eventually, Bella pulled herself up off the ground, not without great pain and difficulty. There were several moments where I'd wanted to run to her, but I heard Carlisle's chastising me from his mind, and Alice showing me flashes of how Bella would react if I did that. And so I stayed put, knowing that I had to respect her boundaries right now even if it didn't feel like that's what was best for her.
I listened as Bella pulled her clothing off, being sure to avert my eyes as she did so, and then I listened to the sound of the tap turning on as she stepped inside the shower. I listened more carefully now, knowing what had happened in the past and remaining ever vigilant because I worried she might have the same experience she'd had last time.
But a few minutes later she emerged, wrapped in a towel before dressing herself in her pajamas.
She shot a few nervous glances toward the window, and then rifled through her bag, finally producing her cell phone.
A few seconds later my phone was buzzing in my pocket. It was a text message from Bella.
I don't want to speak to you… but I just want to know that someone is out there…
Was that why she kept glancing at the window?
I'm here. There's four of us keeping watch. You're safe, love.
Bella read the message and her shoulders dropped as she exhaled deeply. She looked supremely relieved and before long she had climbed into her bed, pulling the covers up over her body.
She tossed and turned for a long time, her body restless as she groaned in pain trying to find a position that was tolerable. It was several more minutes before she fell asleep, and even in her sleep, her body was agitated as she tossed from side to side.
I knew what her nightmares sounded like before they even started. I could tell at just the slightest raise in her heart rate or the slightest incline in her breathing. Even from out here I could hear the telltale signs.
Every part of me wanted to go to her, wanted to be near her to help her through it, so much so that I clung to the branch of the tree to keep myself firmly in place. She had given me clear instructions: I was only to get as close as I needed to be in order to keep her safe. No closer. No deliberate or unnecessary contact.
It was torturous.
BPOV
"You like this, don't you?" His hands were pressing against mine, digging my flesh into the stones of the ground beneath me, pressing my wrists against the sharp, jagged corners of the rocks.
"Stop," I groaned, my head spinning as I tried to regain a sense of where I was.
Edward had been here, I remembered.
He had been here once, with me.
But he was gone now.
And in his place was this…
Was him.
Forever.
My body flew upright from the bed, one hand gripping against my chest as the other hand flew out in front of my face. I inspected the hand that was outstretched before me, trying to see the cuts and bruises that he'd put there, trying to see the evidence of being on the gravel floor of the Cullen's driveway again.
But my arm was fine. My hands didn't have a single cut or scrape on them.
It had only been a nightmare.
I was panting, trying to catch my breath as I furiously swiped at the tears that were pouring from my eyes.
"It was just a dream, Bella. Get a grip!" I tried to talk myself down, but it was several long minutes before I had reached a state of calm again. My nightmares had become progressively worse since Edward and I had stopped talking, and tonight was the most vivid nightmare yet.
I took slow, deliberate breaths focusing on each inhale and exhale, trying to rid my mind of the images of Paul… of the feeling of his body.
And that's when I heard it. The distant sound of the melodies of a piano rang through the acoustics of the house. As I listened I soon recognized the notes as they ebbed and flowed, their haunting melody registering in my mind as moonlight sonata.
Edward was playing.
The sound was so magnificent, so breathtaking and mesmerizing that it drew me from my bed. I crept out of the room, finding the railing of the stairs in the dark, making my way down them as with as little noise as possible.
I followed the music, becoming more and more entranced as each new note rang out, dancing across the hallway, toward me, pulling me in, pulling me toward it.
I walked aimlessly, seeking out the origin of the sorrowful melody, knowing that at the end of it I'd find Edward. And that was exactly who I wanted in this moment. That was exactly who I'd wanted for these past two weeks. I'd thought of him often, aching to run into his arms with each emerging nightmare, with each emerging horror that awaited me in my day to day life. These past weeks had been unbearable, and my nightmares were bad as ever and I struggled with panic attacks multiple times per day.
But I denied myself the remedy to my anguish. Edward had hurt me, and I worried that trusting him would mean I would be setting myself up to be hurt yet again.
But in this moment, the burning in my body was consuming me. I felt like my flesh was melting away, like Paul's burn was eroding at my flesh, disintegrating it from the outside in. And the only remedy I knew of was Edward's body. It was the only thing that quelled the fire.
I moved faster now, less inhibited by pain as the last two weeks had afforded me considerable healing.
And finally, I found him.
I found the source of the mournful music. Edward sat on the piano bench, his fingers gliding across the keys as his hands made the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. Before I could stop myself, I was walking toward him. His back was facing me, his body hunched over the keys of the piano as he was totally engrossed in the music.
In a few short seconds, I was standing right behind him, absorbed in the music, too, swept up in its poignant glory.
But the burning persisted. It wasn't enough to just be close to him… I had to be touching him. I had to have every part of my body as close to his as possible. That was the only remedy for the fire that was tearing through me.
As if involuntarily, my hands came to rest on his shoulders.
The moment my hands landed on his shoulders, was the moment the music halted.
Edward lifted his hands from the keys and turned swiftly on the bench, his body facing mine now.
And in his eyes, I could see it.
He was burning too.
EPOV
I could hear the sounds of her tossing in her bed. I'd heard her wake up, hyperventilating and fighting herself off the brink of a panic attack. I listened while she pulled herself from the bed, walking down the stairs and through the halls toward me.
I kept playing. Giving her the freedom to decide what she wanted to do with this moment, fearful of interrupting her, or crossing the line or trampling her boundaries as I'd become so prone to doing lately.
But her heart rate kept piquing and the closer she got to me the more it raced until finally, her hands were resting on my shoulders.
My body was reacting before my mind as my hands lifted from the keys and I spun to face her. In her eyes, I found terror and her agony was so palpable it was painful. I could see it, swimming beneath her, living and breathing inside of her, consuming her.
Her small hands cupped the sides of my face as she pulled my head in toward her stomach. I allowed myself to be pulled, resting my face against her abdomen as I inhaled the scent of her, savoring her sweetness as her hands ran through the tangles of my hair.
She remained silent as she pulled my head away from her stomach, her eyes catching mine as she looked down at me.
I reached a single hand up, resting it along the space just above where her heart was beating.
It was calm and slow.
I was reminded of how profoundly my touch impacted her body.
Under the weight of her hands, I could feel how she affected me, my limbs felt as though they had been set aflame, a ravaging, euphoric fire had been igniting inside of me from the moment her body made contact with mine. Her ethereal beauty sending me over the edge, as I was completely ravaged by the sight and feeling of her.
I examined her, noting her hair which fell in loose waves, framing her thin, round face. Her eyes were glowing with a desperate light, her body wrapped in an aura of affection. She was wearing a thin, cotton, white night shirt that came to fall at her mid thigh. A few seconds later I recognized it as belonging to me and I eyed it carefully, looking up at her with questions in my eyes.
"It was the closest I could get to you," she whispered explaining why she was dressed in my shirt, her hand coming to rest on top of mine, situated right above the place where her heart was thundering with significant force in her chest.
She pressed my hand to her chest even harder, closing her eyes as a look of euphoria washed over her. I could see the relief flooding through her because for the first time in weeks she felt relief from the burning that consumed her body.
I watched her, awestruck by her beauty, suppressing a gasp as I watched her throw her head back, her lips parting as she allowed herself to be overcome with the relief of my touch.
And then she lifted her head, gazing down at me while a feverish look overtook her. Her eyes rested on mine as she pulled her full, bottom lip into her mouth. I recognized that right it wasn't the nervous gesture I had come to know it as. It was something more.
I recognized it because I felt it too.
The cold heat burning between us was transforming, pulling us beyond where we'd ever been before. The absence we'd felt for so long had turned into a massive crater, and it was all we could do at this moment to fill it with the feeling of each other.
There was no thought or logic or reason in this moment. There was only need. And desire. And it was consuming us, pulling us in and clawing us further and further into it's murky depths.
Bella's hand came out, pushing me back toward the piano bench and I didn't resist. Moments later she was pulling up the white cotton shirt so it sat bunched up on her hips, exposing her pink, cotton underwear to me along with her pale, pliable flesh.
Alarm bells were ringing loudly in my mind, but I ignored them. I'd craved her so deeply, and the distant part of myself that was still steeped in logic assured me that this wouldn't go very far, anyway.
And then she lifted her left leg up, hiking it over my lap as she rested it against my side, her other leg following suit as she maneuvered herself into a position that had her straddling me. Her mouth found mine in a fiery passion. Her soft, wet lips moving against the coolness of my own. The kiss persisted, deepening and intensifying as the seconds wore on.
Part of me was screaming, warning me to stop this because when the logical part of myself returned, it would regret this moment if it went any further.
But that was lost when she pressed her warm body, her heat, against me, every inch of our bodies pressed together as closely as they could be. My hands han been at my sides, for I was afraid if I allowed them to roam her body I would venture to places I shouldn't.
But as I heard her groan against my lips as our kiss grew more feverous, I could no longer help myself. I could feel every inch of her body, I could smell every inch of her, I could taste her lips against mine and I could feel the most private parts of her pressing against the most private parts of myself. It was overwhelming, consuming and worst of all, painfully pleasurable.
My hands found her hips, resting against the bare flesh of her as she rocked herself closer toward me, grinding her core against mine in a way that was so foreign to me and was only something I'd experienced in the depths of other people's thoughts.
But the pleasure of it was unfathomable. Nothing could have prepared me for the sensation. My heightened senses were able to distinguish every curve and indentation of her body as my mind recalled the parts of her I knew, and invented the parts of her I didn't.
Beneath my hands, which were gently gripping her hips, I could feel a thin sheen of sweat coating her body. Despite the coldness of me, she was still hot. She was fire, and I was ice. Where we should have expected a cataclysmic flooding, there was only glory.
My hands ventured along the shape of her, curving where she curved, dipping where she dipped until my hands were spread along her lower back, tracing the shape of her spine as her lips traveled across mine, growing more intense as I continued my exploration of her.
Stop this now! I warred with myself from the confines of my mind, urging this irrational and desire driven part of myself to turn back, but that part of me was so far back in the recesses of my mind I worried I might never conjure it again.
And she pressed on, her lips moving from mine, finding the most angled part of my jaw and traveling downwards from there. In the wake of her mouth, she left a blazing trail of heat that scorched into my body, transforming me and carrying me further away from the grave reality that was settling in around us.
Seconds later she was groaning and I realized that I had been the one to elicit such a sound from her. My hand's hand roamed unconsciously south from the small of her back so they were now resting on either side of her bottom, each hand pressing against the flesh so as to push her closer into me.
I felt drunk with the power – the power to make her coo such breathtaking sounds, the power to release her from the agony that had been locked inside of her, the power to carry her up and away from everything that had been governing all of her actions since this all began.
Drunk with the power of freedom.
Bella's hand reached down and around, snaking behind her own back as she grabbed one of my hands and placed it on her waist. She held it there, nudging it up, trying to wordlessly command my hand to the place she wanted it to be.
And so I obliged, moving up, and up until my hand came to rest on the place where her breast swelled outwards from her small frame. Her nipple was decidedly taut beneath the thin fabric of her white, cotton shirt, and I felt my control beginning to spiral at the sensation. I longed to rip the cotton fabric from her body and marvel at her nakedness.
But whatever decency was left inside of me chastised me, warning me to move slowly so as to ensure her safety.
She was gasping, her lips disappearing from my neck as she threw her head back, her lips parted and her mouth producing the most sensuous gasp of pleasure I'd ever heard in my life.
"Please," she groaned, her voice barely above the softest of whispers "please touch me, Edward."
I didn't understand. I was already touching her.
A few short seconds later I realized what she meant when she grabbed hold of my other hand, moving it downwards towards the waistband of her underwear.
"Bella," I warned, some unconscious part of me re-awakening at the suggestion.
"Shhh," she cooed.
"Bella," I groaned, struggling to articulate my thoughts because I wasn't yet sure which part of me would win the internal battle that was raging on inside.
"I can feel him there," she whispered "all the time. And I just want you… to feel you… to feel your coldness instead of his fire." She rocked her body against mine and an involuntary growl erupted from my body. I glanced at Bella's face, wondering if the sound had frightened her, but she seemed encouraged by it.
My instincts were divided – part of me wanted to give her exactly what she wanted and needed, while the other part of me wanted to end this at once, knowing I'd already gone too far.
The hand that was resting on her chest moved downwards, trailing the length of her body, but what I felt beneath my fingers as I traced each one of her delicate ribs had me suddenly frozen in place.
Beneath the pads of my fingers, I could feel the bones of her ribs, and I could trace the outline of the fracture that was slowly fusing back together, gradually healing.
And then it was as if the floodgates had opened because my mind quickly flashed through the past few weeks, combing over every detail of every day, amplifying images of Bella's broken and battered body and how horribly she'd been injured.
She hadn't yet fully recovered. Hell, it had been only two weeks since she'd had a termination! And here I was, inappropriately pressed against her, contemplating elevating the intimacy of our relationship to a whole new level. And she'd barely healed from the ordeal she'd been put through.
I was flooded with rage towards myself and my lack of control, cursing the monster that lived inside of me that had allowed me to carry on this far to begin with. The anger that was boiling inside of me was intolerable.
In one swift motion, too quickly for Bella to register, I pulled her from my lap, placed her atop the piano bench and flew to the other side of the room, pressing myself against the wall as though it were magnetized to keep me there.
I looked back at Bella as she tried to comprehend what had just happened, crooning her neck in my direction as she struggled to make out the shape of me in the darkness of the evening. I took a moment to study her, noting how transformed she truly looked.
Her hair was in a disarray, still falling down around her face, but more disheveled now than before. Her lips were swollen and red and her eyes were wild and wide, a look of disbelief set in her face as she pushed back against her labored breathing, trying to equalize herself.
"Edward?" she breathed out slowly, turning to find me.
"Bella… I'm sorry," I offered, my voice straining against my guilt.
"Sorry?"
Her voice was tight and agonizing and I could hear the bubble of self-doubt that was beginning to form inside of her mind.
"I'm sorry for allowing things to get out of hand tonight. I should have been able to control myself much sooner."
"Control yourself?" She repeated back, clearly trying to gain an understanding of what was happening.
"Yes. I recognize that my behavior was out of line. Please accept my apology." I rushed through the monolog of things I wanted to say, cutting it short because in the distance I heard the sounds of Emmett, Alice, and Carlisle returning from their nightly watch. They would be here any minute and this wasn't an altercation I wanted them to happen upon.
Her eyes grew even wider as she struggled to capture my form with them through the darkness.
"You…" her eyes changed as a new understanding dawned on her, "you don't want me."
A/N: Please, let me know what you think! This one was stewing in my brain for a very, very long time and it called to me whenever I had a moment of slience for the past few weeks. I worked on it a lot, reworking parts and pulling parts out completely. This was so, so necessary for the development of Edward and Bella and this story - so please bear with me!
I know my updates are happening less frequently, but I promise I'm not even close to being done with this story. Even if it takes me a little longer than I'd like, I'm fully comitted.
Now go and leave a review (please!) and let me know if you loved this as much as I did!
-mm