Chapter 23 - Beginnings
It had been a glorious bliss, tangled in Edward's arms, my mind releasing the agony that it usually contained, long enough to allow Edward in and long enough to lose myself in the feeling of his hands on my body.
Everywhere his hands landed he left only pleasure behind. Where I was once used to pain, he relieved the suffering and replaced in with ecstasy with a simple touch. I knew what I needed from him – I knew what would help quell the burning that was raging on in the parts of me he'd never explored.
I needed his touch everywhere.
And so I asked, and to my complete surprise, he was actually going to do it. He was losing control and I could hear it and feel it and it was electrifying my entire body.
His normally tight and precise movements were slower and more languid. Where he once would have remained rigid against my efforts, he was giving and pliable, moving in sync with my body, reacting to my touch, returning the touch ten fold each time. The occasional growl and the low moans that rolled out of him told me that this was as enjoyable for him as it was for me.
And then suddenly he stopped. Just as we were getting to where I really wanted to be he abruptly halted, placing me down on the bench before disappearing from my line of sight. Before long I found him pressed against the wall opposite me, though I could barely make out his shadowy figure in the dark.
"Edward?" I called out to him, unable to see him through the shadows of the night, waiting for his explanation.
"Bella, I'm sorry," his voice was rigid.
"Sorry?"
I couldn't understand what he was sorry about.
"I'm sorry for allowing things to get out of hand tonight. I should have been able to control myself much sooner."
Control himself? He's sorry for letting things get out of hand?
I couldn't make sense of those words, they were lost on me.
"Control yourself?" I questioned, searching for his eyes in the darkness of the night.
"Yes. I recognize that my behavior was out of line. Please accept my apology." He remained pressed against the wall, his palms flattening against it suddenly.
I understood now. It made sense.
He didn't want me.
He felt guilty for leading me on… for letting me believe that he enjoyed himself. He was repulsed by me and the thought of what Paul and done – where Paul had been. After all, Edward was still a virgin, still pure and untouched. And here I was, trying to mar him with my filth, trying to drag him down into the nothingness that was consuming me.
Of course he didn't want me.
"You…" I stuttered over the words, remembering a not-so-distant time where I'd said something similar and he had left shortly afterward, "you don't want me," I concluded, allowing my head to fall into my hands which were resting on my lap.
Edward sucked in a large breath of air, releasing it in one, long hiss before he darted to my side.
"Bella," he cooed, his lips inches from my ear, "that's so far from being true. That's truly the opposite of what I'm trying to tell you."
"But then… why?"
"Why don't I want this to go any further?"
I nodded.
"There are many reasons. But none of them have to do with you, love. Or my desire for you. Or my love for you."
I stood from the bench, desperate to put some distance between us.
"Then why?"
"Bella," he said, his voice echoing his warning.
"Don't do that!" I shrieked, throwing my hands up into the air in frustration.
"Do what?"
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child! Stop treating me like I'm not capable of having a full, honest conversation. Stop keeping things from me!"
"I'm sorry," he offered, moving toward me in one swift motion.
I felt all of my vulnerabilities, the ones that I'd desperately tried to stuff into the darkness of my mind, crawling their way to the surface, bubbling out of me in an uncontrollable way.
"Why… why don't you want me, Edward?" I whispered, afraid of his reply.
"You honestly think I don't want you?" He was whispering, too. Which was unusual. He seemed panicked like he was trying to rush us through this conversation and it was infuriating.
"I know you don't want me. You're repulsed by me… is it because…" I hesitated, stumbling over the words because they were suffocating me, "do you think of him when you're touching me?"
Edward growled from across the room, and the sound was truly menacing. I didn't feel afraid, though, only intrigued.
"No. I don't," he ground out from between clenched teeth. He took a deliberate step away from me now, his hands balled into fists at his side.
"Well, what is it then? You can't stand the thought of where my body has been, can you? You can't stand the thought of having his seconds."
"Bella!" Edward roared, the sound rattled through my body, catching me off guard.
Before I could continue, the front door of the house noisily creaked open and the sound of chatter rang through the foyer, carrying into the living room.
I stiffened, and my eyes found Edward's. A panic was building inside of me at not knowing who was there – who had just entered. But Edward only looked annoyed, not alarmed, and that was enough to help me remain calm.
Sure enough, seconds later, Alice appeared as if out of nowhere, her hands resting firmly on her hips and her lips pulled into a hard line. Jasper materialized at her side seconds later, his expression displaying his obvious discomfort. He cleared his throat and glanced at Edward, a knowing look in his eyes.
Edward looked horrified for a brief moment and then he was at my side, his hands making quick work of unbuttoning his shirt as he pulled it off, helping me into it, buttoning it up far faster than my own fingers ever would have been able to. I was confused at first, but then realization dawned on me as I understood at least part of what was making Jasper look so uncomfortable.
"Bella, are you alright?" Alice's voice was gentle but her body language was anything but.
"I'm fine," I assured her, wiping at the tears that were rolling down my face.
"You don't look fine," she accused, cocking an eyebrow at Edward who rolled his eyes before turning away from Alice, darting to the other side of the room.
"Bella, why don't we head upstairs – maybe we can chit chat for a bit?"
I thought about saying no, but I was beginning to realize this might not be optional. Alice looked serious, and I could sense that Jasper was waiting to speak with Edward. And seconds later, when Carlisle walked into the room, eyeing me with a concerted look on his face, I realized the invitation Alice had extended wasn't at all optional.
"Fine."
I left the room with my arm linked in Alice's and I couldn't help but feel a bit badly for Edward. He looked frustrated, annoyed and honestly, a bit worried. Carlisle and Jasper were an intimidating pair and although I didn't fully grasp what was happening, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience for Edward.
The moment Alice shut the door of her bedroom I assaulted her with questions.
"Why did you drag me up here?"
Alice eyed me, a wicked smile creeping onto her face.
"What about this is funny?" I shrieked, outraged that she found this apparently hilarious while it was torturous for me.
"We were out, checking in on things, taking our usual shift…" she started, climbing onto the bed, folding her long, thin legs underneath her slight frame "and when we were on our way back we overheard…" she trailed off, leaving me eager to know exactly how much they had heard.
"Overheard?"
"You and Edward," she clarified.
The dreaded, involuntary blush crept up from my neckline and settled in my cheeks. I was sure my entire face was flaming red, but it was beyond my control.
"Oh," was all I could manage in reply.
"It's ok, Bella." Alice looked pleased, excited even. A far cry from Jasper who had looked horrified and uncomfortable all wrapped up into one package of dread.
"What's going on down there?" I pressed, still not understanding why Alice had all but dragged me upstairs, effectively ending my argument with Edward before I'd gotten the answers I really wanted.
"Just a little chat between the boys, you know?"
"No, Alice. I don't know. So why don't you clarify it for me! Jasper looked like he was ready to crawl out of his skin and dig himself into a hole. What was that about?"
Alice chuckled, and to my annoyance, it sounded like the most pleasant of wind chimes blowing in a warm, afternoon breeze. I was annoyed with Alice; I didn't want to be roped into forgiving her because I was unable to resist her inherent charms.
"Jasper feels things, Bella. More intensely than most…" she trailed off, eyeing me as she waited for an understanding to click in my slow-processing brain.
I thought on it for a few seconds longer before it registered – and left me mortified.
"Oh god…" I groaned, collapsing onto the bed next to her with my face buried in my hands.
"Plus, you weren't exactly… appropriately dressed," she explained as she grabbed at the collar of Edward's shirt that I was wearing. I glanced down at myself, realizing now why Edward had wrapped me up in his shirt the moment Jasper set foot inside.
"Is that why Edward was acting so… strange… and rushed when we were arguing? He heard you guys coming?"
"Exactly."
"And Jasper could feel… our anger?" I was trying to piece together the last 15 minutes.
Alice chuckled, obviously finding my assessment comical.
"Not quite. It wasn't your anger he was reacting to. It was your lust." She looked at me and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"Ugh!"
"It's fine, really. He's used to it. I just don't think he's used to it from you and Edward in such an intense dose."
"So… he felt it from Edward too?"
Alice rolled her eyes and nodded, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
"Of course! Bella, I know that things are hard right now, and possibly confusing and overwhelming… but Edward loves you. He adores you. You are everything to him."
I let her words sink in. I let them wrap around me, lift me up and carry me away for a few short moments before my own personal cloud of self-doubt and pessimism returned full force.
"How much did you hear?" I was curious if she knew that he stopped in the midst of it all. That he darted to the other side of the room the moment I suggested we take things any further… And I wondered if she remembered that he'd once flown to the other side of the world to be away from me… because I wasn't enough.
Because I'm still not enough.
"We heard enough to know why you were arguing. And you have to understand, Bella, this is hard for Edward, too. So much has happened, and you've been through so much. He was reluctant before now because he's a gentleman and believes things should be done in a particular order. He's a turn of the century virgin, for crying out loud! But now… as much as you don't want them to, things have changed."
Her words were like the edge of a serrated knife carving away at the scar tissue of an old wound. Agonizing. I felt the familiar ache rising inside of me, but I pressed against it, wrapping my arms around myself in a gesture of protection.
I shoved the resurfacing feelings deep down inside and nodded.
"Let me finish before you agree with me," Alice warned, eyeing me seriously "things have changed, yes. But not in the way you think they have. Edward isn't repelled by you, and he doesn't feel repulsed because of the things that have happened to you. He's apprehensive because you're still healing. Emotionally and physically. Those are two very serious considerations for him, as they should be."
I objected immediately, "but what if this is what I need to heal?"
Alice thought for a moment.
"I don't know. I have no experience in this area. I'm not as knowledgeable as I'd like to be. I can only reassure you that Edward's reluctance has nothing to do with whether or not he desires you because trust me, that isn't an issue."
I sat up suddenly, regretting the decision when a stabbing pain shot across my abdomen.
"See!" Alice pointed toward my abdomen and shook her head. "You haven't properly healed, Bella. And you have to be certain this is what you want."
I thought for a moment, realizing that my body was still aching. My bones were still hurting, my head was still fuzzy and my face still throbbed… not to mention that everything at the apex of my thighs was tender and sore.
"And if I were healed… would he change his mind then?"
Alice shrugged.
"I see a lot of different outcomes for that part of your future. They're a bit fuzzy sometimes, and they change a lot. Sometimes from second to second."
"Why do they change so much?"
"Because Edward changes his mind so much. It's one of the many reasons I know how torn he is right now. Physically, he desires you in ways I'm not sure you could even comprehend. But emotionally I think he's afraid."
"He's afraid of me?"
"Not of you, silly! He's afraid of hurting you. As he should be. He's done a lot of that in his life." A look of anger flashed across Alice's face, but subsided quickly.
"They're almost finished downstairs," she announced.
"What was that about, anyway? Carlisle looked angry."
"He is angry. I don't want to say too much…"
"Alice," I groaned "it's not fair for all of you to continuously shut me out. I'm afforded no privacy at all while everyone expects me to be content with receiving half of a story every single time."
"Edward is on his way up here… with Carlisle."
"What? Why?"
"You'll find out soon enough!" Alice jumped off the bed and tore across the room, hurtling open the doors of her closet as she frantically searched through them. Seconds later she produced a pair of navy blue shorts.
"Here, put these on," she said as she flung the shorts across the room and into my lap. I nodded, grateful she'd had the foresight to spare me the humiliation of standing in front of Carlisle half naked for the second time in one evening.
Alice sat down next to me, helping me slide into the shorts before gently resting me back down on the bed. Her hand ghosted over a fading bruise that was on my upper thigh. The nasty shades of blue had faded and in their wake was a honey-coloured hue of a bruise, the edges sprawling outwards into the shape of a handprint.
Her eyes met mine for a moment, sadness filling them and threatening to pour out of her.
"I'm sorry," she choked out, flinging her arms around me one second, and then withdrawing the next as she angled her body towards the doorway in anticipation.
Sure enough, a gentle knock sounded on the door, startling me despite the softness of it.
Alice looked at me, nodding as though to defer to me.
"Come in," I said almost inaudibly, knowing that they'd hear me all the same.
The door opened to reveal a worn looking Edward and a serious looking Carlisle.
The dull ache that had been brewing inside of me lifted at the sight of Edward, proximity to him bringing me an overwhelming measure of relief. I exhaled and sighed, not realizing how much tension I'd been holding inside of me until this moment.
"Hello, Bella," Carlisle smiled, his warm, liquid-honey eyes soft at the edges as he appraised me.
I nodded and smiled, overcome with a feeling of awkwardness, especially now that I knew just how much Carlisle must have overheard. I glanced at Edward, confused by the expression on his face, noticing how tightly his jaw was clenched as he folded his arms across his chest.
"I wonder if you and I might have a moment to chat alone?"
"Sure…"
"Shall we head to my office?"
"That would be fine," I agreed, standing to my feet with some help from Alice. I sauntered past Edward who glued himself to the doorframe as soon as I started walking in his direction. As I left the room I looked back at Alice who had a smile on her face that seemed to be growing more obnoxious by the second.
EPOV
"Well. That was something, wasn't it?"
"Quiet, Alice."
"Oh c'mon," she pressed, patting the space on the bed next to her, encouraging me to sit. I declined, preferring my spot against the wall.
A few more seconds passed and the jovial look on Alice's faced gradually faded.
In all seriousness, Edward. Are you alright?
"I'm fine," I snapped back, shocking myself at the harshness of my tone.
"He's only trying to help," she explained.
"I know that. He cares deeply for her, and I can't be angry with him for that."
"But you think he's out of line?" Alice questioned, her confusion evident.
"No. I think I was out of line. And I think Carlisle was right to set me straight."
"Don't take Carlisle to heart, Edward. He doesn't understand –"
"He understands perfectly well," I interrupted Alice, unwilling to listen to her soften the blow of this reality for me. She was accustomed to coddling me, but I wouldn't allow it – not this time.
"He understands some things, but not everything. He doesn't get to see what I see." Alice tapped her index finger against her temple, her eyes filled with wonder.
But I did. I could see Alice's visions the moment she had them. I could see how abruptly they faltered and shifted and changed. And in this moment, it had me shaken.
"It's precisely what you see that has me disturbed."
"Why? Because you see small glimpses of possible future outcomes that don't even end up coming to fruition anyway? And then you take those few seconds of murkiness and interpret it as absolute clarity!"
"It is what it is."
There was nothing more to say. It was true. Alice's visions were no mystery to me. When Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle came close enough, I could see Alice's visions bouncing around in her mind, shifting and changing by the second as an array of possible futures fanned out in her mind's eye.
She saw this moment coming, and she did nothing to warn me. Which wouldn't have been as frustrating were it not for the various endings that accompanied the vision of Bella and me together on the piano bench.
In one version, Bella and I took things further than I could have ever imagined, each of us continued exploring one another tenderly before the return of my family caused us to stop, no harm done to either of us. In another version, I stopped before Bella ever climbed onto my lap. In another, Bella's body was no longer pressing me against the piano as I had flipped our positions, laying her across the bench, hovering over her body as I kissed her with abandon. And in that version I saw myself losing all possible control, shredding her pink cotton panties in my hands, burying myself inside of her with fervor as my teeth found the beautiful blue vein on her neck that pulsed with her life-force. That version ended with me and my teeth buried in her.
"You saw this coming," I accused, turning away from Alice to try and reign in some of my anger.
"Yes."
"Why didn't you warn me?"
"There was nothing to warn you of, Edward. I didn't see the complete vision… just that Bella would come to you while you played piano tonight, and that there would be a certain level of intimacy between you two. It wasn't until we were in the middle of making our rounds that I was assaulted by the flicker of possible outcomes. And when that happened I headed straight home to listen from afar and make sure nothing went awry."
"To make sure nothing went awry?" I was shouting now, unable to reign in the anger any longer "you saw me murder her, Alice!"
"It was one possibility of many, Edward. And it was the least likely. It was the dullest and it came and went way faster than all of the others. You would have been ok. I saw that you would have been fine."
I didn't believe her. She was trying to find a way to assuage my guilt. I wouldn't allow it.
"Don't try to make any of this more palatable for me, Alice. You saw me murder Bella!"
"But I also saw you two share a new level of intimacy, too. You might see my visions, Edward, but you don't feel them. Not like I do. You can't feel how nuanced they are, or their relevance in my mind simply by seeing them second hand through me. My visions range from solid to murky, a whole spectrum in between. The visions of you hurting Bella were weak, hard to grasp and fleeting. They weren't substantial. But the vision of you and Bella finding solace and healing in one another was powerful. It stopped me dead in my tracks the first time it came into my mind."
I was in awe. I'd heard Alice describe the complexities of her visions before, but never in context. This explanation paired with the array of visions I'd seen in her mind gave me a new insight into how she experienced them.
Still, it did nothing to quell the darkness burning inside of me knowing that there had been a possibility, however slight, that I could have harmed Bella.
"What made you stop?"
I angled my body away from her, unsure about how much of mine and Bella's intimacies I wanted to reveal. I eyed her carefully, weighing my options. I'd been stewing inside of my mind for so long now that I was sure I was starting to go mad. When you relied on your mind and only your mind to process everything happening around you, it started to do strange things to you.
When I'd been away in Rio, isolated for months on end without so much as a whisper to another living creature I'd felt similarly. The moment a thought entered my mind it would twist and unravel, darkening and becoming muddled and unclear as it filtered through what had become a very narrow understanding of the world around me. It would transform and I would no longer be cognizant enough to be sure if I could understand what I was seeing and feeling. It had served as a convenient distraction when I was desperate to suspend my thoughts and forget about Bella, but now, in this moment, it was infuriating.
"She wanted it to go… further… and I almost agreed. Then, as I was running my hands across her ribcage I felt it." I folded my arms across my chest as I continued to be intentionally obtuse.
"Felt what?"
"I could feel where the bones of her ribs had been fractured – I could feel where they were starting to heal."
"Oh."
Alice was speechless, a rare occurrence and indeed a memorable one.
My god, she's suffered so horribly…
Her thoughts were filled with dread and sadness, comparable to my own. And we both sat quietly, contemplating the happenings of our own minds for a few short moments.
"I take Jasper for granted," I declared. Alice looked at me, obviously puzzled. "He really makes unbearable things more tolerable. Had it not been for his influence I would have been a lot angrier with you and much less willing to listen to Carlisle's lecture."
"He's pretty great, isn't he?"
I nodded.
"So, what was the lecture about?"
"You already know," I was bored of this conversation now, but I was trying to respect Bella's privacy as she spoke with Carlisle, and carrying on my own conversation with Alice served as a useful distraction, making it slightly harder to overhear the conversation they were having a few rooms over.
"I caught bits and pieces but I was trying to mind my own business. I realize that's a foreign concept to you, but I've gotten pretty good at it!"
I glanced at Alice's small frame bouncing with excitement as she sat cross-legged on her bed. And for the moment I was overcome with gratitude. Throughout everything, Alice's devotion to Bella had never faltered. Bella and I were surrounded by people that were wholly dedicated to her healing and to ensuring her safety. It was a blessing beyond measure. One that I had an unfortunate habit of taking for granted.
It had been weeks and everyone's lives had been upturned by guard shifts and perimeter checks, not to mention how troubling it was for most of my family to be colluding with wolves all of the time. Alice steered clear of them, though. For whatever reason, they all impacted her just as Paul had. She wasn't able to see anything when they were around – just radio silence. We relied heavily on Alice's visions to ensure Bella's safety, so it wasn't an option to have the wolves anywhere near our home or anywhere near Alice.
"I felt like I was being scolded by Bella's father for taking advantage of his daughter."
"Don't be dramatic!" Alice squeaked, looking enthralled as I recounted the conversation.
"It started off that way, at least. He demanded to know what happened, and once I explained that this all happened at Bella's initiation he seemed to calm somewhat."
"Why would Carlisle expect any less of you, though? Did he actually think you would have initiated anything with Bella?"
"I don't know. He's not been himself lately. I think he's struggling to come to grips with everything that Bella's been through, and as a result, it's put him into a state of hyper protection. And he had every right to worry, Alice. We both know that what almost happened tonight – regardless of which version of your vision would have been the ending, it can never happen again. It's unsafe for Bella."
Alice scoffed, her eyes widening as an angry scowl crept up on her face.
"Is that what Carlisle told you?"
"No. But it's true."
"Is that what he thinks?"
No.
But I didn't want to share that with Alice. I didn't want to have to endure her pressing me any longer. My mind wouldn't be changed. Bella's safety was paramount to me.
"So what did he say?" She pressed. I stared at her for a brief moment before walking over the bed, sitting down sitting directly on the space she'd patted a few minutes ago.
"He reminded me that Bella's body hasn't physically healed well enough… for certain activities."
The conversation with Carlisle had been mortifying, and reliving it here with Alice was only compounding that feeling. I could appreciate Alice's investment in mine and Bella's relationship, and although she wouldn't admit it aloud, I knew she experienced a certain level of anxiety about how I would react to the various stages of Bella's healing. Somewhere, deep inside of her, Alice worried that I might leave again.
And no matter how much I wanted her worry to be misplaced or outrageous – it wasn't. She wasn't wrong. Though it remained close to impossible at this point, there was part of me, somewhere deep inside, pressed down deeply inside of myself, that longed to leave. Some distant part of me still believed that I was responsible for Bella's suffering and that therefore the only solution to relieve some of her sufferings was to disappear from her life completely.
"Stop it!" Alice shrieked suddenly, as she flew across the room, pinning me against the wall of her bedroom in one, swift motion.
Alice's forearm was digging into my neck as she pressed all of her weight into her arm, effectively trapping me in place. I was stronger than Alice, without a doubt, but she knew how to manipulate her size and her core in order to alter situations to her favor. I could hear in her thoughts that she'd organized several routes of attack should I actually manage to dislodge her pointy elbow from my throat.
She was prepared. And she'd completely caught me off guard. Her grip was relentless, and she spared me no discomfort. She intended to hold me in place and she intended to make it extraordinarily uncomfortable for me should I attempt to resist.
Seconds later Jasper materialized in the room, looking alarmed but calm overall, and the very same emotions were exuding out of him. I watched Alice's shoulders slump at his presence, her grip on my neck loosening by just a fraction.
He came to stand at her side, placing a single hand against her arm, his eyes locked on hers and hers on his. They stood this way for a few seconds, silently communicating with each other.
I searched Alice's thoughts, trying to find the route of her anger, the route of her outburst. It didn't take me long to find it.
There, in the center and forefront of her mind was a blurred, distant vision of me, holding a boarding ticket in one hand and a carry-on suitcase in the other.
"Alice," I groaned out, struggling to formulate a sentence because of the pressure she had on my throat.
"How dare you?" She screamed, her face inches from mine while Jasper stood idly by and observed.
"What?" I choked out, finding her eyes and holding them.
"I saw you – you were leaving!"
Oh. She thinks I'm planning on leaving. I realized.
"It was an idle thought. It wasn't serious and it wouldn't have come to fruition anyway."
"You're lying!"
"I'm not!"
At that she let up a bit more, releasing some of the pressure on my throat making it easier to speak.
"I saw you," she explained, shoving the vision at me through her mind's eye.
"I know. But that was just an idle pondering. It was never a serious consideration."
"Then why did I see it? Why is that thought anywhere inside of your head? How can you think of that as a possibility? Do you know what that would do to her? To us? To me?"
I softened at those words. Alice's protectiveness over Bella was the main driving force behind her anger, but so was her own protectiveness of herself. I'd failed to realize how horribly my departure had harmed Alice, too.
I was beginning to realize the depth of the mess I'd made, and how long it would be before I regained the trust of not only Bella but the rest of my family, too.
"All she wants from you is your trust, Edward. Once you trust her, she'll trust you too." To my surprise, it was Jasper who spoke the words of wisdom. I was eager to hear his insight. The deep fissure that had been growing between Bella and me since the conversation about her change had placed distance between me and my family, too. I had isolated myself from them, not realizing how hard it must have been for them to feel that isolation from me.
"What do you feel from her?" I was curious to know how she felt. I wanted some insight into her mind, and Jasper's gift was the closest I could get.
"She's afraid. She is constantly struggling with a painful cocktail of emotions. But right now she feels a great deal of embarrassment and uncertainty."
I need to be honest with her. Completely honest. No matter how hard it may be.
"Yes!" Alice released her hold on me entirely and backed away, clapping her hands together and smiling widely.
An image in her mind caught my attention.
Bella and I were sitting in her bedroom, on her bed, talking. Bella looked relieved – renewed.
And then, when the conversation was over, we kissed.
"Yes, Edward. Be honest with her. Finally. It's time."
I didn't say another word as I darted out of Alice's room, down the hall and toward Carlisle's office.
CPOV
Bella sat across from me, her arms folded across her chest and her head bowed toward the floor. She was intentionally avoiding eye contact and there was a deep crimson blush that had settled into her cheeks.
She looked mortified, though I couldn't fault her for that. One of the many downsides of being a human amongst vampires was the inability to know when you were being overheard. I was sure Alice, Jasper and myself had heard far more than she ever intended.
"How are you doing, Bella?"
She shifted in her seat, her arms unfolding and coming to rest palm down on her lap.
"Fine."
She sounded far from fine.
"You don't seem fine."
I recognized that in this moment pleasantries and evasiveness would get me nowhere. I had a very clear purpose for this conversation and I wanted to be as honest as possible with Bella. She deserved my honesty.
"What do you expect me to say?" She exhaled slowly, deliberately, trying to brace herself for this conversation.
"I would imagine that you're very tired of people deciding what is best for you, Bella. And I would imagine that you're very tired of being kept out of the loop."
She looked up, finally meeting my eyes. A glimmer of hope shone in hers, and I knew I'd struck a chord.
"Yes." She spoke the word like a prayer, her eyes catching mine and staying there as she conveyed, without words, the complexities of the emotions she was feeling.
"I agree that things have gone too far. We've become too accustomed to treating you like you're barely surviving, like you're still on the brink of death."
She stiffened at my words, her back straightening, her head tipping downwards so she could see me more clearly. I had her full attention.
"On the brink of death?" She looked confused.
I realized how much we'd kept her in the dark, how little we'd allowed her to know and I was realizing how detrimental it might be to her healing.
"Yes. That's correct. When Emmett and Jasper first brought you to me, you were very nearly dead, Bella."
A small shudder rolled through her body but her eyes held mine, never wavering.
"Your sats were dangerously low, you weren't breathing well without supplemental oxygen, you had several severe rib fractures and you had lost an incredible amount of blood. I was worried your cheekbone had been shattered and that we might never fully repair the damage. The gash on your face was badly torn, and you had a mildly severe concussion."
Bella's eyes darkened and I could tell from her body language that my explanation had transported her back to the moment that had left her so badly damaged.
"Do you remember that?"
She thought for a moment, considering my question. And then she shook her head.
"Not really. I mostly remember waking up and screaming for Edward. I was afraid… I wasn't sure if I was really safe. I didn't understand what had happened…"
A deep ache rolled through me, catching me off guard as I struggled to remain composed. This was far harder than I could have ever imagined. Each moment of every day proved to be an incredible challenge, and I struggled to control my baser instincts that were constantly at threat of overtaking me.
I wanted to exact revenge for Bella, to keep her safe. My protectiveness over her was unparalleled. I'd never felt this way for anyone else, not even Esme. When I found Esme and changed her, she was immediately powerful, able to protect and defend herself. She wasn't weakened and I wasn't worried about her ability to defend herself if the need arose.
But Bella was human. A human that I loved as closely as one can love someone that is not from them. Bella was as close to a daughter to me as Alice and Rosalie, possibly more. She was younger and decidedly more fragile, and she came into our lives at a particularly turbulent time in her life.
Every instinct in me wanted to protect Bella at any cost. I empathized with Edward because I knew he shared similar feelings, but his love for her was unmatched. He was her mate. They were designed for each other.
I took great pity on him knowing what this must be doing to him, and it was astonishing to me that he was so well able to control his instinctive nature. It was profound.
"Your condition was very precarious, Bella. I wasn't sure you would pull through. And I want, to be honest with you about something."
Her eyes narrowed as she appraised me, I had her full attention.
"What?"
"Had your condition worsened, and had I felt you weren't going to pull through, I would have changed you myself."
Bella's shoulders, which had been pulled straight back, flattening her against the back of the chair, slumped forward, her head ducked down and a long exhale flowed out of her tired body.
There was silence between us for a while longer before she spoke.
"Thank you." Our eyes met and in hers, I found endless waves of gratitude and appreciation. The relief and appreciation she was exuding were overwhelming to witness.
"I'm not sure you should be thanking me, Bella. It would have meant changing you without consulting you. It would have meant removing your choice, not unlike what has already been done to you by others."
She smiled then, a small, whisper of a smile.
"No. You would have been respecting my wishes. You would have been making the choice for me that I would have made for myself if I could've. It's a small thing, but it's everything to me, Carlisle. Thank you."
I couldn't bring myself to say you're welcome because something about that didn't feel quite right.
"I'm sure you know that I have some awareness of what happened between you and Edward tonight, though my knowledge is limited. Is it ok if we speak about that for a few minutes?"
Her head dropped again but she nodded.
"You must be wondering… how can I stand it? You must be thinking that because of what happened to me I should be repulsed by the idea of… being physical with him… in that way."
"Not at all, Bella. I think you and Edward share a deep connection and being close with him brings you a great deal of peace and contentment."
She nodded.
"But it's not just that… Edward is the opposite of him. He's gentle, patient, kind, loving, nurturing… he's so gentle and so restrained that it sometimes drives me mad. But he loves me. And I feel that whenever I'm close to him. But then… then he just stops. He leaves me. He makes me think he's going to leave and not come back again and then I wonder if he really does love me. I worry that he stays out of obligation , because he's too kind and too considerate to harm a pathetic human."
She exhaled, the familiar blush crawling back up to her cheeks. I could sense that she immediately regretted her honesty.
"That sounds like a very confusing internal monologue to be grappling with."
"It is," she agreed.
"I don't have very much more to say, because I understand that this is an issue of trust and it will take time for you to regain trust in all of us, but I wanted you to know that I understand, and even encourage, the direction your relationship is heading in with Edward. I know he feels very conflicted, having just spoken with him myself. Edward is an old soul, well beyond his 109 years of age, Bella. His only consideration is doing what is best for you. You must know that his reluctance has more to do with him than it does with you."
She remained quiet, listening to me while her hands stayed occupied by fiddling with the ends of Edward's white collared shirt that she was wearing.
"Now, speaking as your doctor, I must encourage you to hold off on the full extent of your physical intimacy. Your body is still healing; it'll need time to reach a place where it's safe to engage in intercourse."
The deep red blush settled on Bella's face deepened and her hands flew up to cover her face. She looked as though she wanted to melt herself into the fabric of the chair, and I couldn't blame her. This was an uncomfortable, but necessary, conversation.
"Give yourself another month and I think you should be ok."
I wanted to say more, but I could hear Edward walking down the hallway, heading toward my office.
"Thank you, Bella."
She looked up now, finding my face.
"For what?"
"For surviving."
BPOV
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I lied.
Edward's hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel of his Volvo as he sped down the deserted, darkened road. There wasn't a single light for miles, save for the headlights of his car.
Lately, I liked the darkness. I liked the silence it brought with it, the rest, the absence of noise and intensity. In the darkness it was quiet and serene. And when I was with Edward, my fear wasn't nearly as amplified as it would have been if I were alone.
But here, in his car, as we sped down the highway in total darkness, I could sense a shift.
Edward had burst into Carlisle's office, his voice frantic and his face filled with light and vigor. He insisted that we speak, encouraging us to take the conversation elsewhere – somewhere more private. I was intrigued, but tired.
Still, there was no way I was going to pass this opportunity. There was no way I would be able to sleep tonight without hearing what he had to say. And I was so, so tired. I'd gone so many nights alone, without Edward by my side to ease the burden of my nightmares. And so I woke often, and whenever I woke it was in panic and fear, worried that I was still in Paul's grips, unable to break free.
I needed him close to me and I didn't care what was happening between us.
I needed him.
He remained quiet for the rest of the car ride. Once we pulled up to Charlie's house Edward darted out of the car, running to the passenger side door to open it for me, extending his hand to help me out of my seat.
"Is he awake?" I asked as we made our way up the front steps, heading toward the front door.
"Charlie is asleep, snoring quite loudly."
I took my time opening the door, removing my coat and shoes and setting them aside neatly before making my way upstairs. I was eager to know what was happening, but I was also nervous. If I stayed in my nerves, it was easy to find reasons to prolong the inevitable.
I changed out of my clothes before hopping into the shower. I had showered just that morning, but with images of Paul fresh in my mind I needed to do something that made me feel like I'd cleansed myself of his presence on my body.
I moved slowly, my mind raking through the possibilities. I dressed and didn't bother doing anything to my hair aside from running a brush through it. And then I went outside to face Edward, to get this over with.
When I saw him there, leaning against the wall opposite my bed, my heart fluttered wildly in my chest, my body clearly excited just by his presence.
He nodded toward my desk, where I found a saucer with two pieces of toast smothered in honey and tea cup right beside it.
I looked at him curiously.
"You haven't eaten for several hours, I figured you'd be hungry."
Though I was in no mood to eat I could sense that my body was famished. I felt a bit weaker than usual and my ability to process what was happening around me seemed to be dulled.
I grabbed the saucer and sat cross legged on my bed, eyeing the toast anxiously.
"Why are we here?" I finally asked, unable to bear the suspense any longer.
"We need to talk, Bella."
"Obviously," I rolled my eyes, annoyed at the obviousness of his statement.
"I've taken you for granted and frankly, I've been disrespectful."
I stopped mid-bite of my toast, my eyes glued to Edward as I was sure they were bulging out of my head in a wild-looking way.
"I've missed you. The distance between us has left a gaping hole in my chest, and it makes each day feel like an insurmountable obstacle. When I left you, every day felt like it would be my last. I felt like I'd torn myself in half, leaving the most important part of me half-way across the world. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, second only to the day that I saw you close to death in my home after you were attacked."
My breath caught in my throat as I struggled to hold back my tears. The memory of that day was so vivid for me, and I'd only been conscious for some of it. I imagined the feeling was intense in more acute ways for Edward, who'd been conscious for all of it.
"Carlisle said it was bad," I agreed.
"Yes, it was. Truly. I've never witnessed Carlisle in such a state of disarray and uncertainty. He's a profoundly skilled physician, but even he had his doubts."
I had nothing to say, because the information was still ruminating in my mind. I was still trying to capture it and dissect it, bit by bit. It was much too large for me to hold on to in this moment.
"I should have never left you after the incident on your birthday, Bella. And I know it was wrong. I know it was the worst thing I've ever done; the most incorrect choice I've ever made. And yet I keep referring back to it. It's my point of reference for all of our interactions, because despite knowing it was wrong, somewhere inside of me it still holds some truth."
"What do you mean?"
"My desire to protect you is hardwired into me. It isn't something I can turn on and off at will. It's one of my most basic needs. And because of my own assessment of myself and my virtue, I keep returning to the notion that my being with you some how lessens your perfection. But it doesn't. There is nothing I can ever do that can dull your brightness, or change how truly magnificent and perfect you are."
"Edward…"
He raised a hand, silently begging me to allow him to continue.
"You are my everything, Bella. And no matter how reflexive my instinct to leave is, I will never give into it again. I promise you that. Not unless you ask it of me, not unless my leaving is what you desire."
I wanted to speak, but I couldn't. My mind had to consider his words, I had to let them soak for a while longer before I could speak.
I thought about the day he left me. I thought about falling to pieces, frantically searching through the thick brush of the forest, only to be met with the same landmarks over and over again as I chased the memory of him in full circle. I could still smell the damp earth, saturating my clothes. I could still feel the rain pelting down on me, drenching me in it's icy cold blanketing.
No measure of time could ever erase how that had felt. The loneliness, the loss, the grief, the abandonment. The months of nightmares. The sleeplessness. The absolute catatonia I'd entered when the reality set in that he wasn't coming back – that he possibly would never come back.
The familiar ache clawed its way through me, igniting the familiar acidic burn as it coursed through my body again.
I wondered idly if this would be like that last time. I wondered if he would make a promise, and then break it again as he had that day in the forest. Here he was, promising he would never leave. Would I chase him in circles again until I finally surrendered to the nothingness?
"You promised me it would be as if you never left…" my voice was unfamiliar and foreign to me. I replayed the words back in my mind, wondering who this voice belonged to. I found the answer in Edward's eyes when I realized the voice was my own, and the strangeness of it was the pain resurfacing.
"You lied… everyday, the absence of you was the most painful reminder that you had existed. It didn't matter that you took the pictures, or that you took the CD you made me, or that you'd stolen away any physical presence of you in my life… reminders of you were everywhere."
My hands were shaking, the painful hole in my chest was ripping open again, and the agony I had tried to bury was gushing out of me.
I'd unleashed the skeletons I'd tried to hide, and there was no way to stuff them back inside of me.
"And now I need you even more than I needed you before… because this deep, aching hole inside of me that started when you left, burst wide open when he touched me for the first time. And the only thing that makes the fire stop burning is when you're with me…"
"What I did… it's unforgivable," Edward's head was bowed, his entire being radiating with remorse and anguish.
"No," I countered, my voice rising with my certainty "there is nothing you could do that is unforgivable, Edward."
"You give me more than I deserve."
"You deserve happiness," I explained, placing the toast back down on the saucer, searching for his eyes which were burning with his self-loathing, "and so I want to know… do I make you happy?"
His head lifted and his coal-black eyes were swirling with passion.
"There aren't words for what you make me feel, Bella. You are everything."
I felt the familiar flutter bursting inside of me, the hole was filling back up, flooding with warmth and joy.
"I want to believe you…"
Edward was at my side suddenly, his body resting against the bed, so deliciously close to mine that I could feel the icy coolness of him pressing against me.
"Tell me how to fix it, Bella. Tell me what to do."
I looked at him seriously then, weighing the options in my mind. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was afraid of his rejection.
I inhaled, taking the icy cool scent of him into me, my body overflowing with relief at his proximity. And then my eyes were closed, and my lips were pressed together as I inched toward him, hoping I could find my mark without the benefit of sight.
I didn't need to move very far before I felt the hardness of his own lips pressing against mine, their firm, coldness sending electrifying shocks through me, awakening even the deadest parts of me. His hands found my face, as he held me in place, one hand moving as he brushed his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down my jawline, stopping only to rest against my heart. His fingers thrummed against the space to the rhythm of my beating heart.
His lips broke from mine, but remained pressed against my skin as he travelled down my face, his lips following the same path his hand had just taken. His other hand came to find my own as he wrapped his fingers around mine, holding it in the palm of his hand.
His head lifted seconds later and his eyes were burning with the unbelievable intensity of his desire.
I believed him.
I believe him.
The feeling of being wanted was filling me, flowing through me, building up in the holes that I worried would never feel full again. His palms came to rest against my cheeks again with his face only inches from mine. I could smell, taste, feel him.
"I love you, Bella. And I want my forever to be with you."
"Forever?" My voice came out as a weak rasp, but I didn't care.
Forever. He wanted his forever to be with me.
"Forever," he confirmed, his voice laced with the headiness of his desire.
"Yes," I nodded. Forever was all I'd ever wanted with Edward.
"Marry me?"
The question rolled off his tongue effortlessly, like it had always been there, always on the tip of his mind, waiting to be called upon when the right moment came about. It was graceful, perfectly timed and placed, and unrelenting in it's authenticity.
Had this been 10 months ago, or even 10 weeks ago I would've had to give it a second thought. But right now, here in this moment where I felt the fullest I'd ever felt before, this question was perfect. This moment was exactly what I needed it to be. This certainty he was offering me, his version of the 'right' way, was everything I'd been searching for since he had returned. A guarantee, a promise, a formality. The highest form of dedication Edward could offer to me.
It was perfect.
I didn't need to think it through. I didn't need a second to mull it over.
"Yes," flowed out of me with ease, with a certainty that shocked even myself. I nodded against his chest as he pulled me into his arms, pressing me as close to his body as he could.
He placed delicate, small kisses on top of my head, breathing deeply as he inhaled the scent of me. I reached my free hand up and rested in along his jawline, holding there in a gesture I hoped would bring him comfort in this moment of challenge.
I moved away, looking up at him, wanting to see the look in his eyes now. Fiery lust was swirling there and before long his lips were crashing back down onto mine, an unusual abandon in his body. His full, hard lips were crushing against mine with the perfect amount of intensity and pressure. My lips moved in sync with his while my hands roamed along the sides of his body, travelling upwards before landing in his hair, tangling against it.
A low hiss rattled out of him and the sound only encouraged me further, a small groan escaping my now parted lips. My tongue darted out of my mouth, as I swiped it across his lips, tasting him. It was the most tantalizing thing I'd ever tasted, sending a shockwave of lust bursting through me.
His hands were gripping my hips, holding my body in place, though the action wasn't necessary. I was glued to him and I wasn't going anywhere. I slammed by body even closer against his, closing any distance that was between us as I pulled his lips against mine again, desperate for a closer connection.
He responded with eagerness, deepening our kiss while his hand came to rest in my hair, tangling in it's wild, unruly waves.
He removed a hand from my waist, allowing it to travel to the small of my back where he slowly dipped me down, gently laying me across the messy sheets of my bed. His hard body angled against mine as he climbed over top of me, his head falling against mine as soon as he was close enough.
His lips were on mine again before I could even register what was happening. I groaned loudly against him, my hands wandering down his body, resting on his hips. I slowly pushed up the cotton fabric of his shirt, one hand pulling the fabric while the other ghosted over the hard planes of his abdomen.
He hissed again and the sound only encouraged me more and so I gripped the bunched fabric, pulling it up and over his head as he helped me shrug it off. My hands roamed across his naked upper half, ghosting over the icy coldness of him, outlining the shape of his biceps, noting the ripples of his muscular forearms which were placed on either side of me, holding him above me.
"You're beautiful," I whispered, watching him lift his head from my neck where his lips had been smoothing across the column of my neck.
He eyed me carefully, travelling across my body, appraising each and every part of me in what appeared to be adoration.
"You are surreal, Bella."
Lust overtook me then, abandoning all logical thought I allowed my hands to find the top of his pants, looking for the button that clasped them together, holding them against his hips. I struggled with the button, trying to free it from it's place, desperate to feel more of him.
But I knew it was a hopeless case. As quickly as my hands started their work his entire body stiffened and he pulled his lips away from mine.
I exhaled, frustrating building inside of me.
He mirrored my movements, allowing his forehead to fall against my own.
"Not like this," he pleaded.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't right…"
I stilled at this words.
"It's not right yet," he clarified.
"Then when?"
"I don't know… but I know your body needs to heal, and I know we need to discuss this before it happens."
"Why?"
"Because it's the right thing to do, Bella. I want this to be done the right way."
"And your way is the right way?" My voice was brimming with vulnerability.
"I don't know anymore," he answered honestly, rolling onto his back while he swiftly pulled me against his bare chest.
"We're going to be married…" I whispered, hopeful.
He smiled, and it reached his eyes, much to my delight.
"Yes," he agreed, sounding thrilled.
I shifted against him, and the action brought forth a rush of pain in my midsection. I groaned involuntarily, the sound rattling against his chest.
"Bella?" Concern edged his voice, but I raised my hand, indicating I was ok.
"I'm fine…"
We stayed silent for a while longer, wrapped up in each other's arms.
And the realization struck me: I needed to heal.
I could feel how unwell and broken my body still was. It was healing, yes, but healing was the operative word. It wasn't healed yet, and it still had a long way to go. I didn't want this moment with Edward to be filled with reminders of Paul.
I wanted the bruises to be gone. I wanted my body to be free of it's daily aches. I wanted to no longer be a thin skeleton of my former self. I wanted my small curves to feel fuller again. I didn't want his hands to come to rest against the bony edges of what I had become.
I wanted our moment to be ours.
I didn't want it to be ours because I needed an escape, or because I needed reassurance. I wanted this with Edward because I loved him, because he filled my soul in indescribable ways. I wouldn't let Paul anywhere near that.
"I can wait."
Edward looked at me, surprise etched into his features.
"Bella?"
"I want to feel better…"
His eyes closed for a second, it looked like he was pressing against the pain the words had awakened in him.
"Yes," he agreed "I want you to feel better, too."
"And in the meantime we can work on planning a wedding…"
Edward cocked an eyebrow at me, his face filled with curiosity.
"Well… I'll amend that. In the meantime, Alice can work on planning a wedding."
Edward laughed, placing a gentle kiss against my temple.
"Yes. She'll be overjoyed… but are you sure you're ready, Bella? There's no rush."
"I know. But I'm ready. I want forever with you, Edward. Now, or later, that fact won't change. We might as well make it known."
He smiled and the gesture filled me with warmth and happiness.
"Bella?"
"Yes?"
"I want to know…"
He stopped before completing the thought.
"You want to know what?"
"Everything. I want to know what you went through when I left… what I put you through. I've witnessed some of it through Charlie's thoughts… but I want to hear from you. If you'll tell me."
I bit at my bottom lip, the thought sending waves of anxiety through me.
"I think it's important… I think it's a step toward rebuilding your trust in me."
I thought about that, wondering what in the world it would accomplish for Edward to know. Would it help anything?
"I want to know all of it. There's so much I don't know. I want to know what you've endured so that I might be better able to help you through it."
I was stunned. Did he mean that he wanted me to tell him about… Paul?
"Everything?" I asked, pushing back against the fear that was creeping up in my voice.
"Yes. If you'll share it with me…"
I remained quiet, needing a moment to think it through. I feared so deeply Edward knowing. Part of me clung to Paul and his threats – his promises that if Edward knew, he would never want me again… could never be with me again.
But I was tired, too. It was hard to be the only person that knew. It was hard to carry secrets that weighed so much, because it felt as though they were constantly pulling me, dragging me down with them, threatening to bury me under their weight.
Could I let him in? Could I let him know without it fracturing the tenuous reformation of our relationship? Was that a trial our relationship could withstand?
Yes.
Edward was my everything. There was nothing he could tell me that would change that reality. And I believed the same to be true for him, too.
I needed to let him in, I realized. Guarding these secrets was sapping away at my energy, draining me in the most agonizing ways.
"Ok."
"Ok," he confirmed, placing a kiss on the top of my head while his hand lovingly stroked the arm I had resting across his chest.
I felt sleep tugging at me, my eyes growing weary and heavy, until I was no longer able to press against the blackness.
EPOV
Her dreams were growing more troubling, as evidenced by her restlessness. She'd been tightly wrapped in my arms but as the night wore on she had moved further and further away from me. As soon as there was no contact at all between us she would begin to whimper and groan until some part of me was pressed against her. But even my physical contact wasn't enough at this point. My hand was resting against her back as my other hand gently stroked through her hair.
She continued to toss and turn and I knew that the nightmare would eventually mount until she awoke screaming. It happened this way every night for the past two weeks, though without me touching her it seemed to happen doubly as fast. This was a slower build now that I was here, but even in my presence it seemed inevitable.
It had been agonizing to stay to myself as I watched her from her window, night after night, listening to the sounds of her nightmares, watching her awaken in terror, frantically searching for the source of fear.
At least now she was back in my arms and I knew that when she woke up I'd be ale to hold her until she calmed, whispering assurances in her ear, promising her that she was safe.
The night wore on but I had plenty to keep me occupied. My mind replayed the moment where she'd agreed – where she had said yes to sharing forever with me.
Bella Swan, this perfect, heavenly creature would be my wife. It was my wildest of dreams coming true. The pleasure that fact brought me would sustain me for all of eternity.
But my delighted musings were cut short by the shrill sound of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket.
It was Alice. No doubt she was calling to squeal with delight and gush about Bella agreeing to marry me. I was sure she would be more excited than anyone else because it meant she would be able to plan a wedding, and it had been a long time since she'd been able to do so.
"Hello, Alice." I kept my tone hushed, not wanting to disturb Bella. I would keep this conversation brief.
"It's gone!" Panic was devouring Alice's words, and it was rattling through her voice.
"Alice," I tried to remain calm, but her panic was catching "what's gone, Alice? What is it?"
"Your futures… they're gone. I can't see anything."
He was here.
Paul was here.
A/N: Here it is, I hope you liked it! This one nagged me and nagged me until I gave in and forgot about all of my other responsibilities and wrote it. The next chapter is already halfway written. I can't seem to shake this writing bug out of me right now, so I'm going to keep at it while the going is good!
Your reviews from the last chapter were excellent motivators - so thanks for that!
-missmarlee