It's only been 2 hours and 23 minutes but Beca already has her eyes open. She knows she's not fully awake yet but her consciousness is really coming in. All this equals a blank stare at the open space of the dark ceiling. She lies there, frozen, like a princess waiting for a kiss from a handsome Prince Charming (well, this can end on the word 'kiss'). Or a corpse in an open casket. There's no in-between. She thinks it's the latter since what even is sleep?
She feels a little puff from a quiet snore to her right and turns her head. It's Chloe. The DJ tries her best to see what she can of her in pitch black. She chuckles to herself when she realizes that she can actually see Chloe without even seeing her, if that makes sense. She has shared a bed and slept (in a literal way) with this woman for 3 years! She's lived with her for more! She knows her so well by now, feature-wise, and has her memorized and imprinted on her mind in a totally non-creepy way. (Okay, she has to stop.) Cutting herself out of reverie, she scoots to the left until she can safely touch the floor with her left foot first and proceeds to slowly get out of bed. Clearly, she doesn't want to disturb the sleeping beauty.
She groggily makes her way around the room, creating little to no ruckus at all, until she's able to set hungover medicine and a bottle of water on Chloe's side table. She has nothing else to do now, after she's changed into a plain white shirt and jean shorts, so she sits on the couch and recaps her night.
She has just performed as a solo act for the first time, seen something she didn't want to see, downloaded a weird app, gone back in time (she has no full understanding of the concept yet), and still ended up carrying her bestfriend to bed. How on earth did she manage to do all that?
It's not even 6 o'clock in the morning but she feels she needs another dose of distraction. She's (trying to convince herself that she is) ready to choose another memory. Should she go back a few weeks after their last hood night when she and Jesse broke up? She should've said something to Chloe after that. Or should she choose meeting DSM for the first time and not be awkward at all in front of Komissar? Should she go back to the retreat, maybe? She's never known what Chloe exactly meant by experimenting. How about after graduation? What about Worlds? A few moments have passed and finally, with her phone in hand and the app open, she's determined to make the most out of this one.
Copenhagen.
One thing she notices first is that she messed up the time. She initially plans on going back to when they are in a small bar celebrating their win. That's where and when Fat Amy brought up Brooklyn. Beca has told her that she's been assigned to one of the Residual Heat affiliates in the city. Being the loud-mouthed, go-getter, come-what-may gal that she is, Amy lays out her plans of going with the DJ.
"Red, what about you?" The Australian inquires. Beca, at the time, doesn't really comprehend why her "best" friend had to be specific in directing this question to the redhead. Secretly, she's glad she did.
Chloe, as tipsy as she can be, toasts, "I'm coming with Beca, too!"
The whole table erupts in cheers and goes back to normal chatting like that did not just happen.
The time she punches in leads her to this scene - in the hotel lobby, after their night out. Beca is walking with the rest of the Bellas, who are all slightly buzzed but not drunk, happily chattering about life and stuff, towards the elevator. (The Bellas were in a tight budget and shared two rooms back then. Each room has 2 queen beds and a sofa bed so 5 girls can fit in one.) Where's the girl she's here for?
"Chloe." The brunette speaks loudly.
She immediately regrets doing that because every head turns to look at her and stops walking. Originally, what happened here is that they all just went up back to their rooms, slept through the whole morning, and scrambled in the late afternoon, packing up everything quickly so as to not miss their flight back home. Historically speaking then, nothing happens. Nothing between her and Chloe. Such a waste of a memory in a beautiful country.
"Yes, Beca?" The redhead appears in between Emily and Fat Amy. All the other Bellas are still looking at her.
"You, guys," she sighs. "I said Chloe." She scratches her head. "Chloe, can you come with me for a second?"
"Sure." This response from Chloe sounds firm and questioning, like she's not sure what's going on but it's Beca so she's not worried.
The small DJ gestures for the other Bellas to go skedaddle the same time Chloe strides in her direction. She misses yet again the shared smiles and knowing looks from the group.
Beca waits until she hears the elevator ding and it's just her and the redhead.
Without saying anything, she grabs Chloe by the wrist and leads them both out the hotel. The older girl asks, "Where are you going?"
"I don't know." She admits. "But 'we' are going for a little stroll. Come on, it's a foreign country! The night is still young." What she means is she wants some privacy with her but that's a little too much for Beca to confess.
They have been some distance away from where they're staying yet Beca hasn't said anything and still has her hand around Chloe's wrist. No one's complaining. Besides, the streets of Copenhagen are a scenic view for foreigners like them.
Chloe wriggles her arm out of Beca's grasp which causes the smaller girl to halt. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hold you for that long," she starts to apologize. The taller girl smiles coyly and loops her arm around Beca, clinging to her, and proceeds to dominate their promenade.
The DJ has been thinking all the while how to approach this issue. Of them. Of how she can't explain why she allows just one person to touch her like this. Get close to her like this. Of how they constantly flirt back and forth. About how she's still unsure of Chloe's real feelings for her. About how a little part of her dreads hearing the truth.
"At some point, you'll have to say something." The words break the girl's train of thoughts. "Beca."
Hesitation rules over but the brunette manages to spill, "This is harder than I thought."
"What?"
"I've been keeping a lot of things from you."
Chloe stands still on their tracks, faces the other girl, and holds her gaze. "I swear, if this is still about your internship, we talked about this! It's done. We're okay now."
"No, no. It's not that." Beca breaks eye contact and shifts on her spot. "Why New York? Why Brooklyn? Why with me?" Realizing what she said, she adds, "And Fat Amy, too, of course."
"Oh." Now, it's Chloe's turn to shift on her spot. "I don't know. I've scouted some good programs in that area that can help me become a vet. I researched on it a while back just so I won't be too scared to graduate. At least, I'll know some people there already if I go with you guys. Plus, if we share an apartment, it'll be cheaper."
Not the answer she's expecting but it makes sense. "Dude, I thought you wanted to teach children or be an exotic dancer or something." She can't help but remind her of that.
The other girl laughs and gives her a playful slap on the shoulder. "Those are still on my list just in case my main plan won't work out."
"It will." She reveals. Is she allowed to do that? To remain on the safe side, she continues, "You're Chloe Beale. You can do anything."
"Thanks, Beca. You're too sweet." They find themselves caught on a standstill, in the night life of Copenhagen, with a few people passing by the couple. "So, is this why you wanted me to come with you for a second? So we can talk about our future?" She winks.
Here's her chance. "Yes, actually." She's taking it. Beca begins, "First of all, uhm, why are you always extra touchy towards me? You know I hate signs of affection."
She hears a giggle. Chloe answers by securing firmly their looped arms together. "You're cute. You think you hate affection yet here you are."
"Only because it's you, Beale." True statement. She follows it up with, "And this flirting game we have going on."
Without a blink, Chloe shoots right back. "Flirting is a game of two. You're not exactly as innocent as you think you are, missy."
Beca resigns in defeat. It has to be now. Gathering up enough courage, she finally asks, "So, Chloe, uhm, do you – do you ever think about us?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"Well, I need you to say it."
"Don't," The brunette holds up her finger. "make me say it. I'm still weird about all this 'feelings' stuff."
"Then, I don't think you're ready to talk about this."
She knows Chloe has a point. But she also knows she didn't go back to this memory so she can chicken out. Like, what's the worse that could happen? She can't take it anymore.
"Oh, yeah? So why haven't we talked about this? Why did you wait for me to do this first, if you think I'm not ready? You could have done this, you know. You initiate a lot of things, Chlo. You could've done this first." Okay, so maybe she should have rephrased all of that because she can see the redhead's mouth open and close again. It doesn't look good.
Chloe closes her eyes and breathes out. "You have got to be kidding me right now."
With all this adrenaline starting to build up in her chest, Beca can't stop herself. "Okay, I'm sorry if that was too forward but I can't help it. You've been giving me mixed vibes since we've seen each other naked in the shower. You freakin' saw me naked, dude! How many girls have you done that to? I mean, you legit told me about one of your college regrets, that you haven't done enough experimenting. Who – who else have you told that to?"
Silence envelopes the air. This night is not going in the direction she's hoping for.
"That's not fair." Chloe seems like she's about to cry and the DJ knows it will be difficult for her if she does. "You have Jesse."
Beca curses. Of course! Of course, the redhead will be the more logical one in this conversation. "Had." She corrects her. "Jesse and I are done. Before graduation."
"Is this what you meant by keeping things from me?" Chloe sniffs and catches the other girl's stare. "And you wonder why I haven't said anything."
"Alright, Chlo! I get it. Geez, you straighten me up, woman!" Are they fighting? It sounds like they are but the words they throw each other suggest otherwise.
"Beca, for serious, do you want to say something? Just say it." Chloe's eyes are pleading. She can just straight up pour her heart out here but she's reminded, all of a sudden, that this isn't real. This is only make believe. Stacie may be right. This will affect her in the present, the way she perceives things and sees things from now on. She wants out. How does she get out of this? She has an idea but she doesn't like it. All she wants is for this to work.
"Beca! Tell me."
"It doesn't matter." She blinks a few times and looks up. "One day, you'll meet a guy for just a few days and just like that, you'll forget about me." She can feel the pain as she's saying this. Tears threaten to fall from her eyes. "You'll kiss him in front of me."
"What are you talking about? Becs, I don't ugh- fine, be like this! Maybe, that won't happen. Or maybe, it will! Because you know why? You still won't tell me how you feel! You're still going to be afraid of your own emotions! I bet if we live together, you still will do nothing about it. Even if I kiss someone in front of you, I bet you still won't do anything about it!" There it goes. Chloe lets go of her pent up frustrations. Even in this state, the redhead hits home. "Don't expect me to stay in this unrequited state of whatever we are forever, Beca! You've got plenty of time but I may be swept off by someone else and no one will hold me back. I will not have a reason to say no."
In the middle of the sidewalk of Copenhagen, Beca cries. In public. Hearing those words just make this whole scene seem genuine. Is this how Chloe feels? She's been an idiot this whole time. In tears, she croaks, "Why are we even fighting right now?"
Chloe wipes her own tears and says, "Because you're so afraid to admit or even say you love me."
It's only 6 o'clock but she's already been through a lot for the day. The after effects of the memory lingers and she uncontrollably sobs. It's worse than having a nightmare. She allows herself to feel the ache in her heart. Chloe in the memory is right. She deserves this for being such a coward. She needs this cry so she can regain the strength and proper mentality to face this issue. Hopefully.
All at once, what Aubrey has said in the retreat falls into place. Sometimes, things really have to break down before they can be built back up again.