Chapter 26 – Hollow

I groaned against the sheets that had, at some point, pulled up and over my face. I could feel the heat of the sun pouring through the window, igniting all the nerve endings on my skin, awakening me in the most pleasant and gentle way possible. In my early morning haze my uninjured arm reached out and grazed the empty space next to my bedside searching for the cool and granite-like body that was, apparently, no longer resting next to me.

His absence sent a wave of panic crashing through me, and the sleepy haze that I was engrossed in was nowhere to be found anymore. I felt my heart thudding wildly against my ribs, the pulsating beat crawling up and through me, ringing out in my ears.

"Bella, I'm here."

His soft voice coursed through the room with an uneasy gentleness. My eyes were pressed together, so I couldn't see him, but I could feel the bed shift under his weight as he climbed in next to me.

"Where were you?" I struggled out between anxious breaths.

"Downstairs, love. I wasn't far."

His hand found mine as he pulled me into his arms, moving us both down the bed so we were laying side by side. His fingers pulled through my hair while his lips pressed against my forehead.

I exhaled, feeling calm wash over me again.

We lay there, together, in the silence for a while longer. The sun was beating down on my skin through the window of his room, burning into me with an intensity that was unusual for Forks. I wanted to open my eyes, not only to remind myself that he was here, and real, but because I longed to see his skin glisten and dance in the rays of light cascading down around us.

But I couldn't.

There was a question, burning, raging and brewing inside of me. Tugging at all the pieces of me, like an acid corroding away at my core.

The events of the night before were percolating in my mind, the reminders fresh and imprinted in my flesh. My neck was sore, my bones exhausted and my arm searing in pain.

There was no avoiding this.

The moments before which had been marked with the bliss of awakening peacefully and gently were ripped away from me. And reality was crashing down around me again.

Fear beat through me with each pulse of my heart, clanging inside of me like the drums of doom.

"Edward?"

I choked on his name, as I was sure I would choke on these words about to pour from me.

"What is it, Bella?"

His hands snaked around my waist, pulling me against him. The relief of his bare chest and icy cold skin pressed against me was palpable.

"Is he… is he dead?"

There was silence.

Only for a few moments, but it was long enough that I felt everything inside of me tighten and contract painfully.

Edward kissed the top of my head before speaking.

"No."

I shook against him, just for a second, long enough that he noticed and rested a cool hand against my face. And then I pulled myself back in, pulling back on the parts of me that were beginning to fray and unravel.

"We kept him alive intentionally," he explained, his voice low and tender. He has information that we need. But I promise you Bella, he's incapable of harming you. He'll never touch you again. And he's only being kept alive long enough for us to extract as much information as possible."

"Information…" I stuttered out, putting two and two together easily, "information about Victoria… and about what her plan is?"

"Yes," he confirmed.

I let the silence ruminate around me while I processed the information.

I wasn't sure what I felt, the emotions were buzzing so anxiously inside of me that I couldn't capture them long enough to understand them.

But then the questions started pouring out before I could stop them.

"Where is he?"

"On the Quileute lands. He's being guarded by Sam's pack and Jasper is there as well."

"Have you… did you see him yet?"

"No. I didn't leave your side all night, love, save for this morning. I went downstairs to speak with Carlisle briefly."

"Has he said anything?"

I was terrified of my question and even more terrified of the answer.

"Nothing useful."

I froze in place, my body becoming rigid in Edward's arms.

"He hasn't given us any pertinent information, yet," he clarified, aware of my reaction and my obvious interpretation of what he'd said.

"But he's said something… he's said… things?"

Edward was silent.

And his silence was answer enough.

"Yes."

I could feel the tears building, the panic rising, my body shuddering. My stomach was clenching tightly and I felt like any second and I would be heaving out the contents of my stomach all over the pristine white sheets of Edward's bed.

"Bella, love. Relax. Please," he begged.

My heart clenched. How many times would this beautiful man have to watch me crack in half, fall to pieces and disintegrate in front of his eyes? How much more could he withstand?

"Jasper…" I rasped out, "what does he think of me…"

It wasn't meant to be a question, but the filter between my thoughts and my words was starting crumble.

"He thinks no differently of you. He loves you."

"And you?"

"I love you. Nothing will ever change that. There is no force powerful enough to change how I feel about you. Don't you know that, love? Can't you feel that?"

I couldn't face his question, because I wasn't as sure of the answer as I wanted to be.

"How will they keep him there? How will they make sure he doesn't escape?"

"He's heavily guarded and there is someone watching him at all times. Last night, when I came back to you outside of Charlie's house, I got hold of him, and found a fairly permanent solution to make sure he isn't physically capable of harming you again."

I could tell her was reluctant to elaborate, but the longing to know what burning a hole in me.

"I don't understand. What do you mean? What did you do?"

"I crushed the majority of the bones in his body," he answered darkly, his voice soft, low and lethal.

My head was pounding, Edward's words ringing in my ears.

"But he'll heal…"

Edward said nothing.

I opened my eyes for the first time, his face inches from my own and glistening brilliantly in the rays of light surrounding us.

It was breathtaking.

"Edward?"

"He won't heal if we keep rebreaking the bones," he explained, his eyes flashing from dark brown to a near shade of black.

I swallowed thickly, my body suddenly aflame with the image of Paul's body cracking. I imagined the sound, letting it overtake all my senses.

Relief washed over me.

And I exhaled, long and slow.

Deeply satisfied.

I stood in front of the wall length mirror in Edward's washroom, glancing at the broken, jarring angles of my body. I'd become unrecognizable. A waif of what I'd used to be. Angular and hard, the softness almost completely absent in my body.

I surveyed the damage of yesterday, noting the hues of bruises that were beginning to darken against the pallor of my skin. A large, black and blue smattering of bruise was highlighting my sallow and sunken eyes.

My neck was red and raw from where Paul's hands had gripped me, suffocating the life force from my body.

I couldn't bare it. I shut my eyes and braced myself against the wall, waffling in place like autumn leaf folding against itself under the weight of its own demise.

Edward knocked softly on the door, his voice carrying through to me like a life line.

"Can I come in?"

I glanced down at myself, feeling the conflict of several different emotions clawing away at me.

I was ashamed of my body… this body. This body that was nothing like the body he'd once known, this body that was blackened and bruised, scarred and wasting away. The angularity of it and the sallowness that pushed bone against skin in an unnatural way was eliciting strong feelings of shame in me.

But I was almost completely nude, save for my bra and panties, with no way of dressing myself on my own. And just the night before I'd been completely bare in front of him, with nothing to guard myself behind. He'd been witness to it all and he hadn't turned away in disgust and contempt.

Maybe he could still find beauty in the mess of battered limbs that I had become.

"Yes, come in," I sighed, struggling with my apparent lack of self-sufficiency.

I wrapped an arm across my chest and another across my stomach, trying to conceal what I could of myself, trying to save Edward the anguish of having to see me this way again.

He tried to look cavalier and unaffected. But I saw his reaction in the subtle details of his face and body.

His tensed jaw, his eyes blackening and his body tightening against itself.

I interpreted his reaction as disappointment and disgust, immediately awakening remorse in me.

"I'm sorry," I offered weakly, my eyes casting downward to the marbled floor beneath my feet.

His hands came to rest on my arms, pulling them away from my body, resting them against my sides.

"Don't hide yourself from me," he pleaded, placing a finger underneath my chin, pulling it upwards so my eyes were more level to his.

"I have nothing left… nothing left that you recognize anymore."

His hand pressed against the space above my heart.

"I recognize all of you, Bella. You're the same you've always been," he explained, lips pressing down against mine and moving so slowly and tenderly it left me breathless.

I steadied myself against the wall behind me.

"But I'm not what I used to be," I whispered, gesturing to my body, but referring to so much more than just my body.

"Your soul, Bella… nothing could ever change your soul, love. It's a beacon of beauty and light. It holds me together, it gives me life."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Can you still love me. Can you still love this?" I pointed toward myself, petrified of my question and of his answer.

"I love every bit of you, this way, or the way you were before – I love all of it and I will for the rest of eternity."

"But you know now, don't you?"

"What do I know?"

"You saw."

"Yes."

"And you can't unsee it, can you?"

Silence.

"Can you?"

More silence.

"I know you can't," I explained, "I know you can't because neither can I. I feel it in my skin, in my bones, in my blood. Memories, pressed into every fibre of me, tangled up in all the other things that make up who I am. It lives inside of me now, like it has it's own burning life force and I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it."

"But you don't need to."

"But how I can live with this? How can you? How can we?"

"Bella…"

"No," I interrupted him before he could continue, "tell me how, Edward. Tell me how you can still look at me, or touch me, or feel my body… without seeing him and everything he did. You can't erase those images. They're trapped inside of you, woven into you, just like they're woven into me."

I found his eyes, holding them there with my own, searching for his answer, searing through him, pulling away at the layers of control he'd constructed, struggling to find the answer I was looking for.

"I know what it'll do to you, because I know what it's done to me… what it's still doing to me. You can't tell me I'm wrong."

"No. You're right, but you're also wrong. I can see it, yes. I can hear his thoughts in my mind as clearly now as they were then. And they'll never fade. It isn't possible for those memories to fade. It's the curse of a mind that isn't bound by human frailties – a perfect memory. But we are so much more than those moments. You have so much more life to live, so much more to build. Those were moments in time, but they aren't all of time. You are so much more than what he did to you, Bella. I can see that as clearly as I can see you standing in front of me. And I believe you'll see that one day, too. When you're ready."

"This is part of you now, and there is no part of you I don't want to know. Knowing this… it helps me understand your pain. It'll help me to help you heal."

I couldn't find words, because I was too busy revelling in his. His voice was wrapped in so much love and conviction that it was impossible to doubt him.

So I would believe him.

Even if it was just for now. Just for this moment.

"Let me help you get dressed, love? Carlisle would like to have a look at your arm. He wants to make sure you're medically ok."

"Ok," I agreed.

Edward pulled a white cotton shirt of his over my head, tenderly guiding my injured arm through. He helped me into a pair of loose, grey sweatpants and tied back my hair, letting it settle in a neat bun at the base of my neck.

And then he leaned down and kissed my eyes, one at a time, his icy lips sending a shiver through me.

I could feel it.

I could feel his love.

And for a moment, it filled me, eclipsing all other feelings.

I sat on a stool directly in front of the island kitchen counter in the Cullen's kitchen. I watched in awe as Edward moved with precision around the kitchen, pulling ingredients from the fridge and the cupboard as he prepared what appeared to be a gourmet feast.

"I'm not really that hungry, you know."

Edward didn't skip a beat as he continued to work his way around the kitchen, cracking eggs with one hand into a glass bowl while the other expertly manoeuvered a whisk.

"Breakfast is the most important meal, Bella," he said between smiling lips, apparently pleased with his wielding of a human cliche.

"Sure," I agreed, not wanting to admit how desperate I was to avoid eating. It didn't matter how delicious the food was, or how appetizing it might have once seemed to me, it no longer held the same appeal. The moment whatever I ate hit my lips I felt a strong urge to expel it from my body. My body's physiological reaction to food had been completely transformed, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what had been the impetus for the change.

"Where's Carlisle?" I asked while I absently fiddled with the placemat sitting on the counter in front of me.

"He'll be in shortly. He's taking a phone call in his office."

Earlier, as Edward had helped me out of his room and downstairs, Carlisle had sped past us at an unnaturally fast speed, flying into his office with his cell phone in hand. It was so unlike Carlisle to not stop and say good morning or hello, and it seemed especially odd given that Edward had told me mere moments before that he wanted to examine my arm this morning.

I tried to brush the thoughts away, but questions about who Carlisle could be speaking with kept creeping up in my mind.

"Where's everyone else?" I wondered aloud, mildly annoyed that Edward seemed to be so intent on keeping me distracted and unaware.

"They're all doing their parts to put some safe guards into place that will help ensure your safety."

I scoffed, annoyed at the obvious vagueness Edward was trying to pull off. It was frustrating, especially when he'd been honest with me upstairs, without hesitation. It felt like we were turning a corner and suddenly something had shifted.

Before I could question him, he placed a beautifully arranged plate in front of me. It smelled exquisite and appeared to be a fresh herb and vegetable omelet garnished with citrus fruits and paired with a glass of orange juice.

I smiled down at the plate, grateful for the effort and intrigued by how wonderful it smelled and looked, but all the while certain that there was no way I could put this inside of my body without seeing it come back up again a few minutes later.

"Thank you," I whispered, staring down at the plate as Edward took a seat next to me.

"Where did you learn to cook?"

"I picked up a few things here and there from Esme's mind – she reads several culinary books a week, you know, all exploring cuisine from around the world and from a variety of different cultures. She enjoys fantasizing about that aspect of being human."

"It looks and smells fantastic," I offered as I pulled a silver fork from the white napkin that was folded around it. I pushed at the food on the plate, prodding it as I moved it around in a non-committal way.

Edward sighed next to me, leaning in closer.

"You have to eat, Bella," he urged, sounding concerned.

"I know, and I will. I am."

"You're not. You're pushing food around on your plate in an effort to make it seem like you're eating. Trust me, I know more about pretending to eat than you ever could."

He was right. He was no stranger to this charade.

"It just doesn't sit right," I explained, looking up at him uneasily.

"What do you mean?"

I paused, hesitating to explain.

"My body doesn't really feel hungry in the same way anymore… I'll feel weak, or exhausted, but it doesn't translate into hunger anymore. And when I do eat, sometimes it just feels like I can't hold it down."

Edward sighed, "I'm sorry… how long has this been going on?"

I thought for a moment, trying to figure out exactly when this had started. It had intensified after the pregnancy, and when my body was in really horrible condition eating was almost impossible. But it had started in a milder fashion well before then.

My mind combed over the last several months, trying to imagine when this had all started. I thought back as far as I could, trying to draw and connection to things with Paul and my issues with food.

And then I was struck with the realization that the source hadn't been Paul at all. Things with him had intensified the aversion to food, but it had started well before his brutality against my body.

It had started the day Edward left.

I couldn't – no, I wouldn't share this with Edward. It would crush him, it would destroy him. It would make him feel even worse than he already did. So much of the pain I'd suffered after Edward had left had been shoved deep inside of me, stifled by everything that Paul had done, easily forgotten amidst the chaos that surrounded me.

I was growing frantic, trying to find a way to avoid the question with my answer, but I was coming up short.

Then, as if on cue, Carlisle appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, his eyes pulling down at the corners while his lips turned up in what appeared to be a forced smile.

He was also hiding something, I was sure.

"Good morning," he nodded in mine and Edward's direction, smiling all the while.

I nodded in his direction, grateful for his appearance and for the distraction in provided.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" He pushed off the doorframe and came to stand next to me, his palms flattened against the stone counter as he eyed me thoughtfully.

"I'm ok," I lied.

"Hm," he hummed, unconvinced.

"I'm sorry for everything that transpired yesterday. We were all caught off guard by yesterday's events, and we tried to make it back to you and Edward in time, but as I'm sure you've come to understand, we were ambushed by Victoria's coven of newborns."

"I know… and you did make it back in time…"

"Yes, but I wish it hadn't gone as far as it did…" there was an edge of pain in Carlisle's voice that left me breathless, his eyes glistening with his sadness as his eyes studied me with overwhelming tenderness.

"I'm ok," I insisted, unsure of how to hold space for the sadness that was pouring out of him.

A cold hand pressed gently against my cheek in what I realized was an effort to wipe the tears that had started to fall.

"It's ok to not be ok, Bella."

Edward's voice was soft and gentle as he addressed me.

And in this moment, their pain was too much to hold. Their sadness was too overwhelming a burden to bear. Try as they might to conceal it from me, it was impossible to miss.

I dropped the fork that had been in my hand down against the porcelain plate where it landed with a loud thud. I pushed away from the counter and stood, shaking on my feet, intent on walking away from this.

Away from this room.

Away from these men,

Away from this moment and all the pain that had tangled and woven itself into our lives.

"Bella?" Edward called after me as I rushed from the room in a futile attempt to carve out a moment of space.

I couldn't collapse into a heap of sobs and messiness in front of them – not again.

The room was completely silent save for the shuffling sound of my feet as I moved towards the staircase, but I knew that Edward was close behind me. I could feel his presence, his body, inches away from mine.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him, willing myself to hold on to the tears for just a few seconds longer – just long enough so that I could fall to pieces without him seeing me. Perhaps, if I was quiet, I could fall to pieces without either of them knowing, quietly, on my own terms, in my own way.

"Edward, please," I begged, trying to convey what I needed.

He didn't respond. He stayed completely still, his eyes catching the distance while his body angled away from me.

He was hearing something that I could not, I realized.

I froze in place, my mind conjuring up images of a broken and battered Paul having escaped from the confines of his captors, intent on destroying me.

Edward growled lowly and turned his head toward me "stay here," he commanded before rushing away from me in a blur.

He was immediately replaced by Carlisle who held his hands out in a tender show of safety.

"It's not what you think, Bella. It isn't Paul," he assured me, keeping enough distance between us so that I didn't feel overwhelmed by his presence.

"Who is it?"

My quivering voice was unrecognizable, even to myself.

Carlisle thought for a brief moment before answering me.

"It's Jacob Black."

I sighed in relief.

Jacob.

My friend – not someone that was here to hurt me or the ones I loved.

"I don't understand then… why is Edward upset?"

Carlisle cleared his throat, a completely needless, but remarkably human, gesture.

"Edward is wary of werewolves. As we all are, Bella. And not just because of what has happened to you. But because werewolves are notoriously temperamental creatures."

"But Jacob wouldn't hurt me," I countered.

"I'm inclined to agree, but Edward is being exceptionally cautious…"

He didn't complete the sentence, but I knew what he was trying to convey.

Edward was being exceptionally cautious because the last temperamental werewolf I'd come across nearly killed me with his bare hands.

"Oh."

"May I have a look at your arm?"

My mind was busy running through the complicated tangle of emotions that were overwhelming me.

"Ok," I agreed, lowering myself down into a seated position on the step I'd been standing on.

Carlisle sat next to me, his hand coming to rest on my arm. I flinched at his touch. It wasn't the cold, it was just a built-in reaction to being touched by anyone other than Edward – not to mention that my arm really did hurt.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

"That's relative, I guess." I measured pain differently now, having experienced so many types of it and such extreme versions.

"Yes, I suppose it is. I guess the more important question is: does it hurt?"

"Yes," I replied robotically.

"I see. I'm sure Edward explained to you that your shoulder was dislocated?"

"Yes, he did. I think he popped it back into place, though."

"Yes, it's back in place. The surrounding tissue is quite inflamed. Have you taken anything for the pain?"

"No, I can manage the pain."

"You don't have to, you know. A simple anti-inflammatory would help quite significantly."

"I'm ok," I insisted. Carlisle's hand ran up and down my arm as he pressed gently in some spots and harder in others. I winced, despite my efforts to reign in my reaction. I couldn't bare laying out any more of my vulnerabilities right now.

"I think it would be beneficial to wear a sling for the next week or so, just to allow time for healing without agitating the arm too much."

"Sure."

"And your face – it looks quite bruised and swollen, though there is no laceration that I can see. A mild painkiller might help with that, too."

I realized as soon as he mentioned it that I was in a lot of pain. It was relative, for sure, because this was nothing compared to the pain I'd been in before, but it was significant enough to bother me.

"Of course," Carlisle started, a caveat apparent in his voice, "if I gave you something for the pain you would need to eat something. These medications can't really be tolerated on an empty stomach…"

I ignored Carlisle, because in the distance, if I strained to hear, I could hear the sound of soft shouting. It was dull, almost muted, but I was sure that whoever it was wasn't very far away.

"Let me see her!" A frustrated cry rang through the door.

Jacob.

I jumped up, rushed past Carlisle and wrenched the front door open with my remaining good arm.

Standing in the distanc was Jacob, surrounded by Emmett, Alice, Edward and Rosalie.

"Jake…" his name fell from my lips, a gentle echo of a sound. But, of course, all the present company heard me as clearly as though I'd shouted it as loudly as I could.

All five faces turned to face me, with Edward's looking the most harrowing of all.

"Bella, please! Go back inside," Edward urged.

"Jake…" I said again, my eyes falling on the face of my friend.

He looked at my carefully, his head tilting to the side as he did.

"Shit."

It was all he said, but it made my heart thud loudly in my chest, thundering against my rib cage so hard I worried it might break me in half.

"What the fuck did he do to you?"

Edward snarled, angling away from me, crouching down as though he was preparing to lunge at Jacob.

I realized that Jacob hadn't seen me… not since the last time Paul had gotten his hands on me.

Edward snarled again, yelling expletives Jacob's way as he threatened him, ordering him to leave.

I walked down the steps of the porch, and walked until I'd almost completely closed the distance between the convergence of people I loved and myself.

"Bella, please, go. This isn't safe."

I held up a hand and looked at Jacob, my eyes unwavering.

"I think, by now, I know what's safe and what isn't, Edward," I shot back, my words clipped and curt.

"I'm ok," I told Jacob, still staring at him, effectively ignoring the sounds of disapproval flooding out of the people around me.

There, in that moment, as I stood in front of the person that had grown into my confidante, my friend, my protector – I found what I needed.

Jacob looked stunned, his eyes wet with tears and his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"I'm sorry," he offered, his head bowed in what appeared to be shame and remorse.

"You didn't do anything."

"Exactly."

"But you didn't know… right?"

His head shot up and an incredulous look overwhelmed his face.

"Of course not… if I'd known… I'd have killed him on the spot. We all would have."

"Then you have nothing to be sorry about," I paused, my eyes scanning every one of the faces that surrounded me, "none of you have anything to be sorry for. None of you did this to me…"

"Bella…" Edward groaned, clearly growing more and more uncomfortable by the second.

But I didn't want this.

Not right now.

For now, I just wanted to forget.

I just wanted to be in the company of someone that could help me forget.

I wanted to feel nothing, or something that was so different and far from this feeling.

I needed something, anything, to fill the hollowness that was suffocating me.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Charlie?"

"He's out fishing for the day. Harry Clearwater made him go, we didn't want him accidentally lurking around the res… cause, well, you know…"

"Yeah, good thinking. Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you take me to Charlie's house?"

"Bella?! No, absolutely not," Edward argued.

"Why not? I'll be safe with Jacob."

"Please, be reasonable. This is the safest place for you to be right now. At least until we figure out where Victoria is and what she's up to," Alice said with a vehemence that matched Edward's.

"Jake can keep me safe, can't you Jake?"

"Well… yeah. I can."

Jacob looked confused and unsure, but I caught his eyes and tried to silently convey what I was trying to do.

It seemed to click because a second later he was on board and trying to find a workable way to make it happen.

"Yeah. Charlie's is a safe bet. I can get some of the guys to hang around the area and keep an eye out for anything suspicious. We could even have one or two bloodsuckers nearby, just in case."

I turned to face Edward, my face full of pleading.

"I don't need your permission, Edward, but I'll ask for it anyway, because I don't want you to feel like my safety is being compromised. I don't want to leave you in that kind of distress. I just need some… space. I just need something to distract me, something else to focus on. I just want a break from the heaviness."

Edward looked completely speechless, his mouth dropping open without making a sound. Edward searched the clearing until his eyes landed on Carlisle who, at some point, had joined our convergence.

His eyes were desperate, sad, confused… all of the things I was trying to pry away from, everything I needed space from right now.

"She's medically fine, Edward. And Jacob will ensure her safety, of that much I'm sure. We'll have Emmett and Rosalie nearby and it'll give you and I a chance to take care of some other business we need to attend to." Carlisle's eyebrows raised as he spoke, trying to infer some silent message to Edward.

Edward's shoulders dropped and his head dipped down as he studied the gravel ground beneath his feet. He lifted his head, staring at Emmett and Rosalie with an unparalleled seriousness.

"You'll make sure she's safe?"

"We will," Rosalie agreed.

"She couldn't be any safer with me and Rose around," Emmett encouraged, his fist smashing against the palm of his hand in a threatening gesture.

"You can call me the moment you'd like to come back, ok?"

"I know." I reached a hand out and rested it against his face, lingering there for a moment as I closed the gap between us to place a gentle kiss on the cool stone of his lips.

"I love you," I murmured, dazed by the feeling of his icy, sweet breath washing over my face.

"I love you," he agreed before spinning on his heel to face Jacob.

Jacob stared at Edward straight on, intensity flaring.

"You'd better – and we won't be far, anyway," Edward warned, clearly answering some silent promise Jacob had conveyed in his thoughts.

I inhaled, certain I was close to losing my mind entirely, but ignoring the agonizing feeling as soon as it crept up, smothering it back down inside of me. I needed a release, an escape of some sort because the realization that my pain was more than just what Paul had done, that there were still open wounds inside of me that belonged to Edward … it was overwhelming.

How much more could we bare before the burden broke us beyond repair?

"So… your… um… face…?"

Jacob sounded unsure and unsteady as he spoke to me while effortlessly guiding Edward's Volvo through the thick of the night.

"Yeah. It hurts," I agreed.

"Yeah… sorry…"

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't do what everyone else does. Don't tiptoe around me. Just say what you think… what you feel. It's part of the reason I love you so much. I can always count on you to be honest with me, even when it sucks."

Jacob smirked, and nodded.

"Ok. I can live with that. I just didn't know if things had… changed. You know?"

"Yeah. I know. And they have changed, I guess. I've changed," I explained, leaning my head back against the headrest as I searched out in the darkness of the night, "but some of me is still the same. For instance, I still love your ridiculous sense of humour, and your willingness to tell me the things I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear them."

"Is that why you wanted me to take you away from there?"

"I guess so. It's just so intense, all of it. Edward hasn't been back for very long, and that's hard in its own way. And everything else… it's just too much. I just need a second to breathe."

"I get that. But… are you saying you don't want him to be back?"

I laughed, low and without any humour.

"No. Not at all. Edward is everything I want. But I don't know how to just forget. I can't forget. And I can't barter with myself anymore."

"What do you mean, Bells? You're being weird and cryptic."

"Sorry. I just mean that I can't bargain with the warring parts of myself anymore. Part of me needs him in this really overwhelming and agonizing way. Like, I feel like I can't breathe unless he's near me. And then sometimes I just snap right in the other direction and I remember all of the pain that I've connected to him. It's like my mind can't choose between processing the stuff with… Paul… or the stuff with Edward."

"Ah, I see. I feel that too, sometimes."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I hate him, you know. I can't help it. I know you love him. I know he's like… everything to you or something, but I know what he did to you. I saw what it did to you when he left you like that. I can't get that out of my head. But I also know that you need him… so, I don't know. I 'wanna hate him, but I also can't."

I nodded, understanding exactly what he meant.

"It's weird… being heartbroken seems so much easier now that I've been broken in other ways. Heartbreak isn't insurmountable… but the other stuff, I think it might be."

"I don't think so," Jacob countered, staring straight ahead into the blackness of the light, the only thing illuminating the roadway was the headlights of the car.

"I don't know."

"I don't think he's gonna live much longer, Bella. Once he's dead, like really dead and gone, maybe you can get better again."

"Get better again?"

"Yeah. Whenever I called to check in on you, they said you were sick, like really sick."

"Like… sick in the head?" I scoffed.

"Well, they didn't say those words exactly, but that's kinda what I thought they meant. I thought you were just really messed up."

"I was… I am…"

"Yeah, but I don't know if I really knew how bad things were, physically, too, I mean."

"Oh."

"Yeah. This isn't even half of it, is it?"

I thought about Jacob's questions, and I realized he was right. This wasn't even half of it. My body still had the fading bruises from the last time Paul got his hands on me, not to mention the months before or the events of last night. The scar that sat against my cheekbone, raised and purplish as the flesh struggled to heal itself against the devastating damage was a daily reminder of how damaged I really had been.

"No, it isn't," I agreed.

Jacob sighed, his jaw clenching as his hands wrapped more firmly around the steering wheel.

"Wanna talk about that?"

I shook my head.

No.

This wasn't what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't bring myself to say the words aloud. I couldn't bring myself to tell Jacob that I'd very nearly died. That I was on the brink of death and Carlisle wasn't even sure he could pull me back. So much so that he'd seriously considered changing me then and there.

I couldn't tell Jacob about the pregnancy, or the termination. Or the deep wounds Paul had left behind inside of my body, and how Carlisle himself had to sew me back together again. I couldn't tell him about the weeks of vomiting, the nightmares, the cold sweats, the inability to experience touch without physically reacting as though I was in imminent danger. I couldn't tell him about the damage Paul had done to my ribcage, or the weeks I'd spent hardly able to move at all because of the pain that radiated across my whole body.

I couldn't.

Not now, maybe not ever.

And then a cold chill shot up my spine as a realization dawned on me.

Maybe Jake already knew.

Maybe he'd been to see Paul – and maybe Paul told him everything.

Panic started rising in me, my body shifting in the seat as I struggled to control my breathing.

"Jake?"

"What's wrong, Bella?" Concern was etched into every corner of his face.

"Do you know?"

"Do I know what?"

"Did you see him? Did you see Paul?"

He shook his head, obviously confused.

"No. Sam wouldn't allow it. He said he couldn't trust me to stay in control of myself. Only a few people are allowed in there…"

"Who?"

"Well, Jasper is almost always there. And Sam, Jared and Embry. And some of the other blood suckers drop in now and again."

"Oh."

I exhaled a sigh of relief. Jasper being there nearly all the time made my skin crawl, but at least right now I was safe, Jacob didn't know. I could be in control of how much he knew now. I was grateful to Sam for allowing me that modicum of privacy.

"But what about when you shift… won't it be like you were there anyway?"

"Bella, what's this about?"

"He'll say things, I think. He already has. Instead of giving useful information he just… talks about the things he's done to me."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah."

"Well, none of those guys are shifting any time soon. And when they do I'm sure they'll be trying to keep me from seeing those parts anyway."

"It doesn't work like that, does it?"

Jacob sighed.

"Not really."

"But for now… for now we can just be us, right? Just me and you?"

"Yup. We can."

I could live with that. For now wasn't the forever haven I was hoping for, but it was enough for tonight.

I pulled out a sketchpad and paper, dropping it down onto the table in front of Jacob as I took a seat across from him. Charlie's table looked impossibly small with Jacob's massive body huddled into the tiny seat.

Jacob looked at me, confusion written across his face.

"What's this for, Bella?"

I pressed a finger to my lip in silence.

Can I trust you? I scrawled across the page.

"Yeah –" I pressed a finger to my lips again, interrupting Jacob midsentence as I shoved the pen and paper in his direction.

He rolled his eyes but played along.

Yeah, but what's this about?

I looked up at him, my eyes full of pleading.

I need to escape, Jake. Just for a bit. I need a few hours of quiet. Something else to keep my mind occupied so I can get a break from all of this.

Jacob grabbed the pen from me with an exasperated look on his face.

Ok, fine. But just get on with the point already. What do you want? And why do we have to write all this shit down?

Because they're close, aren't they? Rosalie and Emmett?

Jacob nodded.

And if we speak, they'll hear us?

Jacob nodded again.

That's why we have to write. At least for this part. I just want to know you're not going to get all parental on me and try to control me. You know me, right? And you trust me?

"Yeah," he agreed, I threw my hands up in the air and gave him a warning glance.

I'm not even saying anything! He scribbled across the paper in frustration, It'll be weirder if we're just in here sitting silently, won't it?

"I guess so," I agreed, realizing that we could talk, so long as we didn't share anything that might reveal what was about to transpire.

You're killing me here. What's going on?

I stood from the table and walked across to the room to the hutch sitting in the corner. I knelt down and opened the bottom cabinet with my good hand, rummaging around through the contents before my hand landed on the thing I was looking for.

I pulled out a large bottle of liqour, half full and covered with a bit of dust.

Jacob's eyes widened as a look of horror crossed his face.

Your bloodsucker with kill me, Bella. Like, literally.

I grabbed the pen and rolled my eyes.

No, he won't. I'm a grown up. I make my own decisions… don't make me drink alone?

Bella! You don't even drink! Have you even had alcohol before?

I shook my head.

Please, Jacob. I can't handle the thought of Paul being alive, nearby and spilling every thing he ever did to me to people that know me… and now know what he did. It's bad enough Edward knows.

"Edward? He hasn't been there, though."

"He doesn't need to be."

Jacob look confused, still not catching on.

"He reads minds, Jake, remember?"

A look of horror flashed across Jacob's face.

He shook his head in disbelief.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"He… he showed him?"

That was my threshold. I yanked the lid off the bottle and took a long, hard swig. I coughed and the liquid sputtered out of my mouth, but I managed to swallow most of it down.

Yeah, go easy, Bells. This shit is no joke. This is res shine.

I widened my eyes in his direction, unsure what he meant.

Some people on the res make it themselves. I've had it a couple times and it knocked me flat on my ass both times.

I nodded before taking another swig, tolerating this mouthful better than the last.

I'm serious. Go easy.

I scoffed, taking another swig as Jacob followed me with horrified eyes.

He grabbed the bottle from me before taking a mouthful of his own and swallowing it down without so much as a grimace.

"Impressive," I laughed. My entire body felt tingly and warm, like tiny little bolts of warmth and electricity were pleasantly running through me. My head felt lighter, more airy and less overwhelmed. My thoughts were spinning around in my head, intangible and unclear.

It was pleasant.

I stood from the table, walking back to the hutch, pulling a worn, tired looking deck of cards from the drawer. I threw it on the table before heading to the kitchen, collecting two small glasses which I placed in front of Jacob.

"Care for some cards?"

Jacob smirked.

"Sure, why not. But you know that I always win, right?"

I laughed, remembering several games of rummy where Jacob had wiped the floor with me. Chess was my game. Jake always lost in chess.

"Sure, sure. Let's just get on with this," I slurred out, trying to piece together a coherent sentence.

I grabbed for the pen and paper and scrawled across it in barely legible writing: Why am I so out of it already? I only had a few drinks…

Cause you weigh like 80 pounds, Bella. That's why.

I paused, realizing that while Jacob might have been exaggerating he probably wasn't far off. I couldn't have been more than 95 pounds, and even that seemed like a stretch.

But instead of feeling the overwhelming weight of what that meant, of what that was, I felt… nothing.

I laughed and grabbed the bottle, pulling the cap off before pouring myself and Jacob two generous servings.

He cocked an eyebrow at me disapprovingly.

I think you're good now, Bells.

I shook my head and whispered "I decide when I'm good. And I'm not good, not yet."

Jacob looked uneasy.

But I didn't care.

I grabbed my glass and took a large sip, swallowing with more ease this time.

Jacob followed my lead, taking a larger sip and looking less inhibited after he downed the entire glass in one shot.

"Let's do this, then?"

We played cards for forty minutes but quickly grew bored. Now we sat on Charlie's couches across from each other, laughing and giggling like children as we recalled silly stories about our childhoods or obsessed about the mundane details of our favourite fictional characters.

"I don't know how you make it through a page of that book, let alone the whole thing," Jacob was incredulous.

"Excuse me, let's not forget that I've read that book at least a dozen times. At least," I slurred out, reaching out for my glass, taking another small sip.

The room was spinning, my head was light and nothing bothered me.

I was light, airy, floating above myself and totally content with the bliss of it all.

"Bella?"

"Yessir?" I drawled out, giggling as I did.

"Are you gonna be ok?"

The air in the room thickened with the seriousness of Jacob's question.

"Dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares?"

"I do."

"Yeah. Whatever." I reached across the table and my hand landed on my glass. I sat more upright, pushing the cup to my mouth as I downed the rest of the shot.

Reality was spinning, turning on its side. My head was no longer light, but heavy and hard to hold upright.

I stood, but that was a mistake. I felt my shaky legs wobble beneath me as I waved back and forth, struggling to find my balance.

And then hands.

On my arms.

Holding me in place.

Steadying me.

Hot.

Hot, fire.

Fire hands.

Gripping me.

Holding me.

Touching me.

My brain couldn't process who was standing in front of me because my vision was badly blurred.

The room was spinning faster than I could comprehend.

"Bella?"

The voice, whoever it belonged to, was garbled and unclear.

Who was it?

Paul?

The heat. The heat. The scorching heat.

It must be him.

I tried to find a way to scream.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't make the sound.

Instead, the only words that could fall past my lips were "No. Please, no."

EPOV

I stood outside the dilapidated log-cabin, listening to the sounds of laboured breathing, noting the sounds of fear that were radiating from the body inside.

It brought me joy, and relief.

"He hasn't said anything useful," Sam explained, standing across from us with arms folded across his chest, jaw clenched and eyes fixed on the door to the cabin.

"That's rather unfortunate. Do you feel you're any closer?" Carlisle questioned.

"Maybe. Jasper's… gift… has proven useful. He seems to be weakening his resolve. We think he might be closer to cracking."

I struggled to close my mind off, to avoid reading the thoughts of the man in front of me for I had no interest in knowing what his mind contained. I had no interest in seeing any more details of what Paul had done to Bella, especially not from the mind of someone that didn't care for her the way I did.

"This is pointless," I snarled, fighting the steadily building urge inside of me to break through the door and tear Paul limb from limb.

"It isn't pointless, Edward. It's wise. He's our only connection to Victoria, and the sooner we find out information about her, the sooner we can ensure Bella's total safety."

I scoffed.

"Total safety? Do you think she'll ever really be safe with vampires and werewolves in her life?"

"Edward," Carlisle admonished, his face stricken with intensity and displeasure.

"I know," I agreed, "I'm not leaving her. The thought doesn't even cross my mind anymore. But I can't help but wonder what her life might be like if it wasn't filled with monsters."

Sam grunted in agreement, his thoughts shifting gears as images of his wife, Emily's, face came into mind. Deep scars marred the beauty of her face – scars that had been put there by Sam himself.

"I'll go in there myself. I'll get him to talk," I urged. Both Sam and Carlisle came to stand in front of the door, apparently barring me from entering.

"That won't be helpful, and you know it. He knows how to manipulate you. He knows how to prey on your weaknesses. Killing him prematurely will serve no purpose at all."

"He's right. It's the reason we've kept Jacob from him as well."

"Jacob loves her," I stated simply.

Sam said nothing, his defenses rising again as a sense of loyalty to his pack member clouded his mind.

"Then what was the purpose of having me come here, Carlisle?"

"So you could see for yourself."

So you could see that we can trust that this is being handled appropriately. That this is the best option we have.

I said nothing but nodded once, agreeing and understanding in the same breath.

"Thank you," I turned to face Sam as I spoke the words, trying to convey me genuine gratitude.

"This isn't about you. This is about her… about what he did. We're sworn to protect humans… even if it means protecting them from our own kind. What he did to her, it's unspeakable. And he should pay."

I listened to the sounds of Jasper inside, his thoughts, and the thoughts of the others. I could hear the sounds of Paul's bones repairing themselves.

"It's time," I stated simply.

"For what?" Sam questioned.

"To re-break the bones. They're almost healed."

Sam grimaced, clearly not thrilled with the idea, but in agreement all the same.

"Yes, it is."

"Who will do it?"

"I will," Jasper called from inside the room.

Before I could say anything, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

It was Emmett.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, Edward… you should probably come to Charlie's. Bella… needs you."

"Is she ok?"

"Yeah. But bring Carlisle just in case."

In seconds the phone was shoved back into my pocket and Carlisle and I were running through the forest at record speed.

Running to Bella.

Running for Bella.

A/N: An update! I know. I'm terrible. I have the same excuses as last time - work, school, and the general busyness of life that allows me very little time to write. I appreciate all of you and your lovely reviews, and I hope you'll stick it through with me. I'm hoping each update, however spaced apart and infrequent, is proof to all of you that I have no intentions of abandoning this story.

Oh, and please bear with Bella. Be patient with her. She's being unreasonable but I think she deserves a bit of unreasonableness given all she's been through.

xx,

-missmarlee