Jonathan stared at his phone, he stared and stared. Whether he saw anything or not, he didn't know, but he knew it was better to look at the phone than elsewhere. Elsewhere might mean seeing the demon that haunted his every waking and sleeping hour. Elsewhere might mean feeling violated again, might mean feeling his strength seeping away. How he had gotten away he did not know, but he had, and he had come too in the palace, in his room. Jaime and Roy didn't seem to suspect anything, or rather they didn't say anything to him. That was fine, he preferred it that way. He didn't want to admit his shame; he didn't want them to see him as less than a man.
Jonathan had sent a text to his mum, and then another one, and then another, and when he'd not gotten a response, he'd phoned her. Her phone had gone straight to answer machine, so he'd left a brief message, asking her to call him back. Afterwards, he didn't know why he'd called his mum, there would be nothing she could do, halfway across the world as she was. She'd rant and rave and that would be it. There was also a part of Jonathan that whispered that his mother might not believe him. That she would think that a man could not be raped, that someone such as him, half kryptonian and half man, could not be raped. Hell, Jonathan himself was having a hard time believing that it had happened. Afterwards, he had asked Rhodos a question about Louise and he'd told him what was what. Louise was the chairwoman of the feminist society in UCL, a strong believer in third wave feminism, and a campaigner for equality. There and then Jonathan had stopped saying what he'd been so desperate to say. He definitely would not be believed.
And so, he shut it inside, locked it in a box and didn't look at it. Apart from at night, when that was the only thing he could think of. When he felt, himself lose control over and over again. He thought of Mia sometimes, when he was in the grips of panic, and he knew she would laugh at him. They'd never had sex during their relationship, or at least anything any person would count as sex. He'd been too hesitant to go that far, worried about hurting her, and filled with something akin to loathing. Now? Now he never wanted to near another young woman ever again. Jonathan blinked as the room started to get cold, he blinked again and the room warmed up. The door opened, and his aunt Lucy walked in.
"Are you okay?" His aunt asked.
"Yes." Jonathan said quickly, he would not tell her, he would not burden her with the weight of his crime, the weight of his sin. He looked at his aunt and saw that something was bothering her, he quelled his own rapid heartbeat and listened to hers. It was hammering. "What's wrong?"
His aunt said nothing for a time, then she took a deep breath and spoke. "I got a phone call from Bruce Wayne this morning, and I've been trying to think of how to tell you what happened. And I think I will just get straight to the point." His aunt took a shuddering breath, her heart rate spiked. "Your mother, went to meet a source at the docks in Metropolis, this source claimed to have information that would help bolster an article she was working on." Aunt Lucy paused again. "It was a trap, a set up. She was taken prisoner, and when your father came to save her, he was incapacitated by Kryptonite. Your mother was murdered, crushed to death." Jonathan heard the words, but he didn't digest them. His mum could not be dead, that wasn't possible. Then he thought of the unanswered text messages and the voicemail, and it started making sense. His mum would never not answer a text or a phone call from him, it was something she'd said to him once when he was a child scared of going to boarding school.
"You are my son, Jon, it doesn't matter where I am, what the time is, or what I am doing, if you call or text me, I will always answer. You are my son, and I love you more than anything."
Jonathan closed his eyes, he fought to keep his breathing even. "Who killed her?" He asked.
"Someone called the Conduit, Kenneth Braverman, and he worked with someone called the Thinker." Aunt Lucy said.
Jonathan nodded, keeping his eyes closed so that he didn't have to open them and realise his mother was dead. "What happens now? What is happening to them?"
"Kenneth Braverman is dead, he was killed fleeing justice. The Thinker has gone missing. The Justice League is looking for him." his aunt answered.
"And what about my dad? What's he doing?" Jonathan asked. He knew his dad, he would be grieving, and might do something completely stupid. Jonathan hoped not though.
"He is coming to get you. With Oliver." Aunt Lucy answered.
"When?" Jonathan asked.
"Tomorrow." His aunt replied.
Jonathan nodded. He opened his eyes and said. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." His aunt replied, they hugged, though whilst his aunt shuddered and shook, Jonathan remained rigid. His aunt pulled back, wiping a tear from her eye and nodded, before turning and walking out.
Jonathan remained standing, the door opened and Roy and Jaime walked in. "We heard about what happened to your mom, we're so sorry Jonathan." Jaime said.
Roy patted him on the back, and Jaime gave him a hug. Jonathan nodded. He remained standing whilst the two of them sat. "So, what have you both been doing? Did you have fun, the other night?"
"Yeah, I've been speaking to Rosa, a bit since then. What about you? Where did you disappear off to, afterwards?" Jaime asked.
"I came back here." Jonathan said, it wasn't a lie, even if he didn't remember doing so, he pushed down the thought of the cold.
"Ah, well you missed a good night out. We went to this place called Oslo, a great nightclub with some very good looking girls." Roy said.
Jonathan smirked, in his head though, things were different, the cold was creeping on him. "Is there ever a time when you're not thinking about girls?"
"Yes, when I'm fighting. You know it's been a good three months since we last went out with the Titans. I'm getting bored of just sitting around doing fuck all. Jon, we need to get out there and make a difference. Surely your dad would see that, especially with what's just happened." Roy said.
For a brief moment, Jonathan felt like asking Roy what had happened, then it hit him, his mum was dead. He pushed down the urge to scream. "I'm not sure, I'll ask him when he comes. He and Oliver are coming tomorrow. Are you guys going or staying?"
There was a moment of silence, then Jaime answered. "We're coming back with you, Jon. We can always come to Europe another time."
Jonathan nodded his thanks, he had a sneaking feeling that they wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. He cleared his throat and was about to say something, when there was a knock at the door. "Come."
"Sir, dinner is being served." The butler said.
"Okay." Jonathan said, gesturing for his friends to go ahead of him. He remained where he was, took his phone out and sent a text to Caitlin. Hey, how's the internship going?
He was about to lock his phone when it buzzed. He looked at it and smiled. Good, Wells is keeping me busy, as is McGee. How's London?
Jonathan typed out a response quickly and hit send, a few moments later there was a reply. You know you don't have to lie to me, Jon. We've been friends since we were five. I'm really sorry about what happened to your mum. If you need to talk, I'm here.
Jonathan went to reply, but then felt cold tingle his spine, and shivered. He sent off a quick thanks, locked his phone and walked off to the dining room. He took a seat next to Sophie, and ate in silence. He didn't say anything, fighting throughout the entire meal through the sense of cold, of abject failure that threatened to engulf him. His mum was dead, and he was worried about the fact that he had been violated, what sort of fucking stupid thing was that? He looked around the room and saw that his family was hurting. Sophie had been crying, Aunt Lucy had been crying, his great-grandmother had also been crying as had his great-grandfather. For a brief moment anger flamed inside of him. His mother was dead, and he was here. Feeling sorry for himself, like a coward. The cold and the fire battled against one another, he felt like throwing up. He pushed it down. Stood up and took his glass. The others all looked at him. Jonathan didn't know exactly what the hell he was doing, he just knew he didn't want to see his family hurting. The cold whispered treacherous thoughts into his mind, but he pushed them down. "To Lois Lane-Kent, my mum, and a sister, daughter and granddaughter." The words were repeated and he drank, then sat down. He continued eating, then the moment the food was taken away he got up and walked out. He had to fight his urge to run. He waited until he was in his room, then he got changed into black, pulled a hood over his head, opened the window, dropped down and then sped out of the palace grounds.
Jonathan ran, feeling the wind on his face, the chill of the air, the cold whispered, but the fire was there to beat it off. He kept going, not thinking of anything but running, running and running. But then he heard someone scream for help. He turned and followed the scream, coming to a darkly lit road. A dark clothed man stood towering over a woman. Jonathan advanced forward, knocked the man over, then picked him up and threw him against the wall. He kept his face blurred and looked at the woman, he didn't see her though, he saw Louise, he sped away, the cold following, laughing.
He kept running, but he heard her there taunting him. "You can't run forever, Jonathan. I am the cold, I will always find you. You can't run, I own you, I own a piece of you now, and I will use that forever. Such a foolish boy, you're not even a man, how could someone such as you be so easily tricked by someone such as me? I'm just a girl, a girl who studies biology, you're the son of Kal El and Lois Lane, you are a disgrace."
"Get out of my head!" He roared into the night.
"No one will believe you. You do know this right? No one will believe that someone like me, a dainty little girl could harm someone like you. You are a man, well you were a man. now, now you're just a pathetic excuse. You should be ashamed of yourself. Hell, if you tell anyone, they might think you raped me. After all, that's what normally happens isn't it? Oh, Jonathan Kent, you fool. The bridge is that way."
Jonathan fought against the cold, the voice, everything, but he found his legs taking him toward the bridge. He stood there for a moment, or an hour, he didn't know how long he was there for. He stood there, staring at the water, he couldn't die, he was trapped. Nothing could kill him but kryptonite. He was trapped to live like this forever. To be a fraud forever. He wasn't a man, he was nothing more than a boy, a boy who wasn't even worth that title.