Chapter 20 Logan's My Friend

That night, like almost all the others that Ludwig had experienced in this house, turned out to be a sleepless one. The thoughts that he had in his head while Magnus talked to him invaded his consciousness and made him sick to his stomach. No amount of rustling about, trying to find the most comfortable position possible, helped. The sickness in his stomach spread to his entire body until he felt like the most disgusting piece of shit to ever walk the surface of the Mushroom World.

Why? That was the main question flitting about in his mind. Why did he have to make that stupid, awful mistake! Why couldn't he escape from it? Why couldn't the world escape from it? Reality would be a much more pleasant place if Ludwig hadn't done the stupid, reckless action as a stupid, reckless, spoiled seven year old. The thought that there were people still negatively affected by the tragedy of Frostwall, even when taking into account the fact that Ludwig saved it, made Ludwig want to dig a hole and bury himself in it. At least, if that were the case, he wouldn't be capable of making any other mistakes.

Was mistake even the right word to use? That word only applied to little things. Sure, people look back on their mistakes and cringe with regret, but they are still small in the grand scheme of things. Inconsequential, Ludwig supposed the right word was. He had made mistakes before and after the Frostwall incident. Said incident was so big, so grand and so so so terrible that the word "mistake" was the biggest understatement ever made.

By the time morning rolled around, and the other cats made their way over to the dining room, Ludwig stayed still. Partially because he was tired, but mostly because of his shame. This particular bout of shame was comparable to how he felt when he originally destroyed Frostwall. He couldn't face any of the other cats knowing that their current conditions were due to him.

Logan, unfortunately, didn't understand this. He went up to Ludwig, looking at him with a furrowed brow as the Koopaling refused to move from his spot.

"Ludwig, are you alright?"

Ludwig planted his face in the floor. "No. I'm not."

Logan's furrowed brow became even more furrowed. "Is everything alright? Do you want to talk about it?"

An interesting question. Ludwig had spent the better part of eleven years not discussing Frostwall with anybody, not even his dearly loved siblings. The fact that he had done something that rotten and deplorable was something that Ludwig had convinced himself over the years couldn't be forgiven. Better to keep it secret and not face the pain, was what he thought. Better to not constantly have the fact that he was a ruthless monster hanging in his face. At least, no more than usual (that feeling had kind of turned into Ludwig's default setting after the tragedy).

He felt similarly now. Logan was a good friend, sure, but would he be willing to look past this? After all, he had admitted to growing up in Frostwall. Heck, it was possible that he was already aware of the destruction, just not one hundred percent sure why it happened. If that was the case, Ludwig didn't want to tell Logan the truth. It was a burden too heavy for himself to bear. He didn't want to force others to carry it on their backs as well.

"No," was what Ludwig said after about two minutes of silence. He didn't lift his head, just curled up into an even tighter ball than he had been previously.

Logan stayed silent, not speaking or moving at all. When he did speak eventually, he used a quiet voice. "Okay."

Ludwig stayed in the position. He saw nothing but darkness while his arms were covered, but he could definitely feel Logan's gaze on him. It didn't feel judgemental, but the questioning and concerned vibe in the air was almost as bad to Ludwig as judgment would be.

Eventually, Logan spoke up again. "Well, are you at least going to eat? I mean, going without food is not a good idea, especially in this house."

Ludwig's base instinct was to say no; he wanted to stay in this position for as long as possible. But, unfortunately, he had to admit that he was hungry. Damn it, why did physical needs have to be a thing?

"Okay." Ludwig lifted himself to his feet and followed Logan into the kitchen. Both of them were greeted by the sight and smell of french toast and syrup in their bowls.

Logan licked his lips. "Oh man, I love it when Magnus makes french toast!" He turned to Ludwig, smiling. "Next to his cream of mushroom soup, I think that this is the best thing he makes."

Ludwig nodded, words completely lost on him. He leaned in front of his bowl, taking delicate bites of the bread. The other cats chatted away, the sound pounding on Ludwig's ears. Logan and Brissa even launched into a conversation of their own by Ludwig's side. What they were talking about, he had no idea. Nor did he care to know.

The rest of breakfast went by slowly. Admittedly, Magnus' french toast was delicious, and it did satisfy his need of hunger. But once he finished it, Ludwig felt more nauseous than he had before. He put his hand to his mouth, trying to keep the meal down. When he realized that would be impossible, he zipped into the other room and vomited on the floor.

"Oh, man," Ludwig said. He coughed, the nausea still present even with his stomach empty. He stared at his vomit, the sight and stench disgusting on every level. At least he had vomited on hardwood instead of carpet. That was one very thin silver lining.

"Ludwig?"

Ludwig swallowed a lump as Logan came into the room. His tail swished back and forth, his eyes wide as he looked between Ludwig and the vomit pool.

"Seriously, what's going on?"

Ludwig shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it." Even that sentence was hard to articulate.

Logan walked closer, wearing a stern look on his face now. "I think you need to talk about it, though. Clearly, something is bothering you." He raised an eyebrow. "Did something happen with Aida when you went to visit her?"

Silence. Ludwig looked into Logan's eyes, golden and worried. Ludwig was halfway tempted to spill his guts to him (figuratively this time, as opposed to how he had done it literally twenty seconds earlier). However, part of him held back. Again, he reasoned that Logan wouldn't be understanding, considering he grew up in the snowy city of interest.

"It's…" Ludwig struggled over what to say. He wanted to insist that nothing was wrong, that everything would all work out fine in the end. Sure, that sentiment probably wouldn't be accepted considering he was standing next to a pool of his own vomit, but he still wanted to say it. Ludwig felt similarly to how he felt when he kept Frostwall a secret from his own family. The thought of "it'd be better to keep him in the dark" circulated in his head while he looked at Logan.

But based on Logan's facial expression and the fact that he was clearly sensing the fact that Ludwig was lying, Ludwig knew that wouldn't cut it. As much as he hated talking about this subject, he knew he had to come clean. Fortunately, it occurred to him that he didn't need to go into too much detail as he open his mouth. So instead, he made sure to keep the details vague.

"I found out the story behind Aida last night." He hung his head. Even though he wasn't going into detail, admitting the next part was hard as walking on broken glass. "And it's my fault."

Logan blinked. "Your fault? What do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is that this whole mess is because of me. Aida having dementia, Aino being missing, us being turned into cats…it's all a direct result of my actions."

There was a silence as Logan tried to wrap his mind around that. He did a double take, blinking at Ludwig in confusion.

"What…how is any of this your fault? What could you have possibly done that would inspire Magnus to do all of this?"

Ludwig swallowed a lump. "It's…it's complicated."

"It doesn't make sense!" Logan took a step forward. "You didn't even know who Magnus or Aida were before you came here. How can you have impacted their lives before you even met them?"

Ludwig hesitated. Part of him sensed that going into more detail was a necessity. He knew that he needed to mention Frostwall. However, every part of him shook at that proposition. His nausea returned, as well as his shame.

"I made a mistake," he whispered. Even though he wasn't saying any names like he thought he had to, he still felt dirty. "I did something when I was younger that impacted a lot of people. Something I wish I could run away from. Something I wish never happened." He looked into Logan's eyes. "And if I told you what it was, you would probably be angry. You would…probably hate me."

Logan's features softened. "What? Hate you?" He took two steps closer. "Ludwig, I am not the kind of guy that easily hates people. It would take a lot to make me hate someone." He smiled. "I've only known you for about three days. You didn't even have enough time to do a lot."

That wasn't true. Ludwig knew that destroying a city, especially a city that you grew up in and therefore had a nostalgic connection to, did count as a lot. It was a blotch on your permanent record that no amount of compensation would fix.

"Still…" Ludwig hung his head. He didn't want to say anymore. He dearly, desperately didn't want to say anymore.

Logan, possibly sensing this, came up and placed his paw on Ludwig's head. He stroked his fur, the action soothing on some level. Ludwig fully expected him to keep probing, probing until every last one of Ludwig's sins was there for all to see. So, naturally, what Logan said next really surprised Ludwig.

"You know what? If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I can tell you're already struggling enough just thinking about it."

Ludwig actually breathed a sigh of relief when he heard that. "Thanks, Logan." His heart beat slowed down, his nausea receded. Logan kept stroking his head, making purrs escape from Ludwig's throat.

Ludwig actually chuckled when this happened. "Wow. I never knew that purring felt so good."

Logan chortled. "There have been studies that show that purring helps cats get better faster." He grinned. "It's one of the few parts of this curse that is actually pleasant to me." He snickered. "That, and getting belly rubs."

Ludwig laughed when he heard that. Combine that with everything else, and he actually felt a little bit better. Of course, the shame was still there. But then again, it's been there for years.

"Hey," Logan said. He had the sweetest expression on his face, one so sincere that it made Ludwig's heart melt. "You know you're my very best friend, right?"

Ludwig blinked before snickering. "You've only known me for three days and already you consider me a 'very best' friend?"

"Of course. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. It doesn't take nearly as much for someone to become my friend."

Ludwig nodded. "I…guess that makes sense."

After one more pat, Logan pulled his hand away. He gave Ludwig a smile, and a beautiful one at that.

"I know that you must be dealing with a lot. This curse, getting used to this life, and whatever you did in the past that you think effects our present. I do want to know what it is, but if you want to keep it a secret, you can. I don't care about what you might have done. I just care of keeping my friend safe and happy."

Ludwig smiled. "Thanks." His face fell. "But…what I did is really bad."

"Then I don't want to know. We all have secrets and we've all done bad things. Doesn't make us bad people."

Ludwig looked into Logan's face, his whiskers twitching a little bit. This cat…this koopa, who Ludwig had hated almost as much as Magnus when he was first brought into the house…he really was a friend. He was a good friend, someone who cared enough about Ludwig's well being despite the Koopaling doing horrible stuff.

"Logan…I know it might take a while for us to get out of here, if we ever get out at all. But if we do…I would love to be your friend even then."

Logan beamed. "I feel the same for you!" He chuckled. "Who knew that such a bad situation could lead us to forming a strong friendship. I guess, on some level, I'm glad that I got turned into a cat. I wouldn't have met you otherwise."

Both cats laughed. Ludwig felt like his heart was going to be explode from all the positivity. Heck, the shame he felt was mitigated so much that it was barely even a dull pain at this point.

"Well, now that you're feeling better," Logan walked over to the door. "Why don't we go finish our breakfast so we can have some outside time."

Ludwig smiled. "Sounds good." As they walked out, Ludwig thanked his lucky stars that he had ran into and became friends with Logan.

He only hoped he had a few lucky stars left that would help him get out of this.