Deacon
He would have told Rayna immediately that he was in for whatever she thought they should do, but he would at least wait a day, let her think he was thinking it over. He'd done therapy before – every single trip to rehab. It was always focused on the reasons for his drinking and how to overcome those reasons. He figured this counseling – or coexistence therapy – would be similar. He had no idea what they would talk about or how that would go. He still wasn't sure they couldn't have figured out how to just talk to each other, but in general when Rayna decided something, that was what they did. It was one of the things that had bothered him in the past. She would make a decision and that's what they would do. But he figured it couldn't hurt. And maybe it could really help.
Rayna
She wasn't surprised when Deacon let her know he was all in on the counseling. She appreciated it from the standpoint that it could help them be better parents for their children, but she also worried that he would hope it could make a difference for the two of them. It had been obvious to her that he was interested in trying to reunite. In some ways it would be easy to let that happen. The connection they had was powerful. That was still true. In many ways it felt inevitable. She just didn't want to fall back into their old patterns. She had worked hard to figure out how to live life without him in it. Those couple days at the cabin had shown her how easy it would be to fall back into something with him. She just wasn't ready.
It had been different, though, having him still be around when the kids were back in Nashville. It wasn't for much longer, but it felt like that wasn't the best idea. They were staying in their lanes – for the time being anyway – but she still felt cautious whenever she was around him.
She watched him from the side stage. She had come over for Sadie's sound check a little early and was a little surprised to find out he was there with the rest of her band. She stayed in the shadows, not wanting to disrupt things, but it had been a long time since she'd watched him interact with the rest of the band in the ways he had when he was her bandleader. He was trying something new on a couple of songs – he'd told her he wanted to do it – and watching him as he led them through the changes was like watching magic happen. Always had been. She'd been fortunate to have connected with him, back when she was just getting started. She had watched him perform on the Bluebird stage and had been mesmerized by his music, not only the songs but the way he played the guitar. It was part of what had made her fall in love with him from the beginning.
Music was everything to her. Had always been. Her mom had been the one who had inspired her love of music, in particular country music. Virginia Jaymes Wyatt supported music of all types, but her favorites had been country music and classical music. A seemingly odd pair but she had learned over time that there was something timeless about both genres, something that spoke to people's hearts, and she had fallen in love with them too. Deacon's music was like that for her. His lyrics were raw and true, the melodies that accompanied them lifted them up and filled the heart. He was the epitome of three chords and the truth. Deacon always spoke his truth, even when it hurt.
Caught up in her memories, she didn't realize they'd finished. Deacon saw her as he walked off the stage. "Hey," he said, looking surprised.
"Hey," she said, then smiled at the other members of her band as they headed off the stage. "That sounded good."
He nodded and smiled a little. "I think it's gonna be good on stage."
"I have no doubt." She clasped her hands in front of her. "You've done a great job, Deacon. Thank you for agreeing to come back."
"Anything for you, Ray," he said. For a second she felt like she couldn't take a breath. "You know, it's all about the music." She wasn't sure if that was a cover, that he might have realized how his words could be interpreted. "I, uh, I know Sadie's gonna be here shortly for her sound check, so I'm gonna go check on all the equipment."
She nodded. "Sure. See you later." He hesitated for a second, then walked past her. After a moment, she turned and watched him hustle down the steps and then disappear into the bowels of the arena. She took a deep breath, as she noticed her heart was beating a little faster.
She was sitting on the steps that led to the stage when Sadie arrived.
"Rayna. What a surprise." They met each other and hugged.
"I had an idea I wanted to run by you," she said. "I was thinking maybe I could come out on stage with you during your set and we could do a song together. Would you be interested?"
Sadie looked surprised but pleased. "Would I be interested? Of course I would." She smiled and laughed. "That would be amazing. What song were you thinking?"
"Do you know Gasoline and Matches?"
Sadie nodded. "I do."
"I thought that would be a fun one to do."
"Isn't that one of the old songs you and Deacon wrote?"
She nodded. "It is. I haven't done it in years, but it was a fun one to perform."
Sadie frowned slightly. "Is he okay with that?"
She made a face and shrugged. "It's fair game. It was my choice not to do our old songs. It's also my choice to add one back. And I thought it would be fun for us to do. A little unexpected." She gestured towards the stage. "You want to rehearse it?"
Sadie smiled. "Absolutely."
She felt energized as she walked down the steps from the stage and then to her dressing room. She had gone out on stage with Sadie for the third song in her set. The crowd had been excited and very responsive to their onstage duet, especially with it being an old Rayna Jaymes song. She had stood on the side stage for most of the rest of Sadie's set and was now headed to her dressing room to change into her stage outfit for her own set. It had been fun performing with Sadie and it had been fun to do an old song. Gasoline and Matches was on her Postcards From Mexico album, but was never a single that went to radio. Nevertheless it had been a popular song for years at her concerts. It had also been one of many that she'd packed away in the aftermath of her split with Deacon.
The whole Postcards from Mexico record had been a joy to create. Even though Deacon was deep into the cycle during that time period, during the times he found his way out of it, it had felt like they were at a creative peak. They had actually written the song even before they'd written Postcard from Mexico, which was one of the biggest hits of her career, and a song she still missed performing. The songs they wrote during that time period were pure fire, and Gasoline and Matches had flowed almost organically out of that epicenter.
Oh you pull my pin and you trip my wire. Yeah, well you come in and set my heart on fire. You knock me out, you rock me off my axis. You and me are gasoline and matches. She had felt the heat while she was singing. It didn't matter that she was doing it with Sadie, she could still feel the fire of performing it with Deacon. She took a deep breath as she remembered they'd barely been able to keep their hands off each other while they wrote it and had, in fact, written most of it in bed punctuated by sex that was truly the epitome of gasoline and matches.
This was the reason she didn't sing their songs anymore. Every word, every note triggered an almost visceral reaction inside her. There were the heartfelt ballads, the ones that always turned her heart inside out, like Surrender and No One Will Ever Love You as well as the songs that spoke to the burning fires inside them, like Gasoline and Matches and Postcard from Mexico. Fans still asked for the old songs and radio stations still played them, but it had been too difficult to imagine ever being able to sing about that kind of love and connection without him. The songs were always so personal. But it had felt good to do one and to do it with Sadie.
When she walked into her dressing room, her team was ready for her. She changed into a robe and then sat in front of the mirror as they touched up her makeup and worked on her hair. She was wearing a sleeveless sequined dress with a drapey neckline that she would put on just before she went on stage, so after her team was finished she sat on the couch. There was a knock on her door. "Come in," she called out.
The door opened and she saw Sadie. "Hey," she said. "I hope I'm not bothering you."
She stood up and smiled, beckoning her over. "Not at all." Sadie approached and they hugged. "You were so good out there, girl. I know you already know that, but you're just on fire."
Sadie blushed just a little. "Well, thanks. That means a lot coming from you." They both sat on the couch, although Sadie was perched on the edge. "I just want to thank you again for letting me sing with you. That was so amazing."
"I had fun. We should do it again."
Sadie looked a little hesitant. "I, uh, I saw Deacon talking to you after sound check. Was he okay that we did the song?"
She shook her head. "Of course. He would actually be fine with me doing more of the old songs, but it doesn't really fit these days. So he was happy we did it."
"You're sure? Because we could always pick something else. I mean, if we do it again."
She reached out and put a hand on Sadie's arm. "It's okay. It's up to me as to what I perform so my whole catalog is available." She smiled. "And of course we'll do it again."
"I know you need to get ready, so I'll let you do that." They both stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow." They hugged and she watched Sadie leave. She walked over to the vanity and looked at herself in the mirror. She ran her fingers through her hair, fluffing it out just a little. Then she started to put on her jewelry.
She was surprised to see Deacon when she walked towards her dressing room after rehearsing with Sadie. "Hey," she said as she stopped.
"I wasn't expecting to see you up there with Sadie."
She laughed a little, wondering if it sounded as uncomfortable to him as it did to her. "I thought it would be fun to do a song with her. Get people more excited about her and her music."
"You pick the song?"
She glanced away, then back. "Uh, yeah. I thought it would sound good onstage."
He nodded slowly. "It did. Surprised me though."
"Does it bother you?"
"Nah. I'm glad you're doing it. I'm glad you're open to doing some of the old stuff."
"Well, that's about as far as I'll go."
He shrugged. "It's something." He paused. "It did sound good. Sounded good hearing you sing it."
She put a hand on his arm. "Thanks," she said. "So I'm going to go find Bucky. I'll see you in a few." She walked off, knowing he was watching her. She wondered if it had been a good idea to do that song.
Just then Susie came in to help her get into her stage outfit. She smiled into the mirror and then turned. "I'm ready," she said.
Deacon
He was surprised when he heard Rayna and Sadie rehearsing Gasoline and Matches. He'd been even more surprised when she admitted to choosing it herself. There were only a handful of their songs that she still performed, all of which were less personal. Gasoline and Matches was not that.
Writing songs with Rayna had always been one of the best parts of his life. He'd been writing songs on his own from the time he'd learned to play a guitar. Most of what he wrote in those early years was juvenile and choppy, but he kept at it, honing his skills over time. By the time he had gone to Nashville, he had a portfolio of songs he was proud of. Being in Nashville had just upped his creative juices. When he wasn't working or performing wherever he could get a gig, he went and listened to other people perform. He especially liked to go to listening rooms, where the performers onstage were songwriters and not usually the famous artists. He listened to a broad range of genres – mostly country but a lot of rock and blues as well. All of it found a way into the songwriting style he developed.
Most of his songs were moody, mostly because his life had been filled with hurt and sadness. Ballads were his stock in trade, but he was proud of everything he wrote. He also focused on his guitar skills, spending hours working on imitating some of the great guitarists in music. He took pride in being described as one of the premier guitarists in country music. He'd worked hard at it and always strove to be the best. There was a lot of interest in the songs he wrote and he had gotten a publishing deal early on. He found it hard to part with his music, but he'd sold enough to get by while performing the rest. He'd come to Nashville to be a solo artist, but he had quickly learned that being part of a partnership was rewarding on its own. Especially since that partnership was with Rayna Jaymes.
When he'd met Rayna, she'd been a lot like he was when he first started writing songs. She lacked polish, but what she did have was a winsome way with words. Her melodies were often clunky, but he'd heard the same promise in her that Watty White had. She had been eager to learn but also stubborn about being given direction. And criticism, even constructive criticism. He smiled to himself when he thought about the fights they had over songs they tried to write together. It all clicked for her though the rainy afternoon they sat on the floor in his studio apartment and wrote a song they called Sweet Tennessee, a song that never saw the light of day and never made it on a record but had truly started the cadence of their musical partnership.
Writing music, for the two of them, was a spiritual thing as well as a practice that heightened their emotional connection. He was never quite sure if the reason they were so completely connected was because of the music they wrote or if the music they wrote was a function of that connection. Either way, it was magic, every single time.
Gasoline and Matches was something different for them, in the same way Postcard from Mexico had been. Gasoline was more up tempo than Postcard. Postcard had a pure call and response format, while Gasoline had been written in a more modified way. Both were very different from the usual ballads and up tempo love songs they usually wrote. There was a grittiness to them that they had liked and enjoyed performing. But Rayna had taken them both off her set list, along with many others, and he'd thought he'd never hear any of them again.
She'd seemed to imply afterwards that it wasn't something she'd do again, that the old songs were still off the table. But he had to wonder. Gasoline and Matches was about the turbulent, yet all-consuming nature of their relationship. It might not have sounded like their other love songs, but it was a love song nonetheless.
Rayna
She looked around the room as the after party was winding down. She saw Sadie talking to one of the local radio guys and, smiling, walked over to join them. "Hey there," she said. "I hope you enjoyed what you heard from Sadie." She looked expectantly at the radio guy. She thought he was a program director. Hoped she remembered right.
He nodded. "I did. I'm hoping we see a single from her soon. Would love to get it on the radio."
After a few more minutes of chatting, he walked away. She wrapped her arm around Sadie's and they walked over to the bar. They both got one last glass of champagne and then headed outside to the patio area. They sat at one of the tables scattered around the space. She looked at Sadie carefully. "How are you doing?" Sadie had confided in her about her divorce and she had sensed the other woman was still struggling a little with that.
Sadie smiled and nodded. "I'm good," she said. "This has all been really good for me. Getting me away from things."
"I'm glad." She took a sip of her champagne. "I hope you do put out something when we get back to Nashville. I'm sure your label has plans."
Sadie nodded. "As soon as I get back, I'm going in the studio. We're going to put out an EP first, just so we can get something out quickly."
"That sounds smart." She laughed a little. "This will make me sound so old, but back when I was starting out, EPs weren't really a thing. It was a whole album or nothing."
"Did you have enough songs right away?"
"Deacon and I wrote all the time, so I had a lot. It was just a matter of figuring out what to use. That was the hardest part, trying to make sure we had something really solid for that first record."
Sadie laughed. "Well, you sure did, considering it went triple platinum."
"That was such a shock, you know? I was just happy when it went gold." It wasn't often that a new artist came out of the gate like that, and she had never forgotten how exciting it had been and how grateful she was for all the publicity Edgehill had created for her.
"I think I would be happy with a gold album."
"I think you'll have a lot more than a gold album. And then many more after that."
Sadie laughed again. "I think maybe I need you to do my publicity. I really appreciate all the kind things you've said to the industry people."
"I believe in you. I knew from the moment I heard your demos that you were something special. I think as soon as you have something on radio everyone else will too." She took another sip of champagne. "When we get to Nashville, I'd like to come out and do another song with you there. Maybe one of yours this time."
"You know I would love that." Sadie bit her lip. "You know, I was really surprised when we did Gasoline and Matches."
"Yeah, I kind of surprised myself with that one."
"Do you think you'd consider doing some of the other songs you don't do much anymore? I know you said you didn't think so, but I know the fans really enjoyed it."
She sighed. "You know, there's a lot of great old songs, but there was so much... emotion in most of them. They bring up feelings that I don't think I can do justice to anymore." She flipped her hand back. "And I couldn't do them with Deacon in my band." She smirked.
"I guess not." Sadie sipped on her champagne for a minute. "This might be too personal – and please tell me if I'm out of line for asking – but how has it felt working with him again?"
"Complicated." She paused. "I was right to ask him to come, because of Maddie and Levi. It would have been difficult to manage the time thing with the way the tour was structured. You know, and I needed a lead guitar player. But it's been complicated." She sighed. "I don't know if I could do it again." She looked away, then back at Sadie. "There's a lot of complicated history between Deacon and me and I don't share that with anyone. It just makes it all harder, especially because we have children."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask you such personal questions."
"You're fine. I've always kept my personal life private, which means there are always going to be a lot of unanswered questions." She took a deep breath. "Deacon's been there from the very beginning and I suspect that in some way he'll be there at the very end." She leaned forward and put her hand on Sadie's arm. "I'm going to head upstairs if that's okay. I'm suddenly very exhausted."
"Of course. I hope you get a good night's sleep." Sadie's eyes were filled with concern.
She smiled. "You too. I'll see you tomorrow. In fact, why don't we meet for breakfast? At 8:30?"
Sadie smiled back. "Sounds perfect."
She got up then and walked back across the patio and into the hotel. As she approached the elevator, she realized she was telling the truth. She really was exhausted. Not only had it been a packed tour, but she'd had to deal with all the personal turmoil of her life. But the tour was nearly over and that would mean getting back to some semblance of normalcy. The proximity to Deacon was playing games with her head and her heart and she was ready for it all to be over.
Deacon
He was sitting in the hotel café with a cup of coffee and a newspaper, waiting on his food to arrive. The buses would pull out in 2 hours for a relatively short trip up the coast to their next show. He laid his paper down and looked up to see Rayna, who had just walked up to his table.
"Hey," she said.
He breathed in. Damn, she's beautiful. It had not been good for his heart, spending all these weeks and months in such close proximity to her. There were times when she confounded him, irritated him, pissed him off, but she always did that. She was the most complicated, complex woman he'd ever known. She was fierce and passionate, about everything. Always had been. She kept him on his toes, something else she'd always done, challenging him at most every turn one way or another. He had tried to separate himself from her, tried not to love her, but it had been impossible. She was dressed casually, in jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt, her hair in a messy side braid, a ball cap on her head, and boots. He could feel his heartbeat speed up. "Hey," he said, thinking he sounded rough.
"Can I sit?" she asked. He nodded and she did. Someone came up with a pot of coffee and she nodded when asked if she wanted coffee. She spent a couple minutes adding sugar and just a touch of cream, stirring it slowly. She put the spoon down on the table and looked at him. "I found someone for us to talk to." He frowned. "A therapist."
He'd almost forgotten that. "Oh, yeah," he said.
She picked up her cup, both elbows on the table and took a sip of coffee. "He's in private practice, but associated with Vanderbilt. He supposed to be really good at this sort of thing. You know, working with divorced parents to build solid relationships for their kids."
The server was back with his food, but he wasn't feeling really hungry anymore. "And you feel good about him?"
She nodded. "I do. I spoke to him, told him what we were looking for. I like his approach."
He frowned again. "What did you tell him we were looking for?"
She made a face. "What we talked about, Deacon. Someone who could help us learn to coexist and be good parents together for our children."
"What about being good... whatever we are to each other?"
She looked a little irritated. "What do you mean by that?"
"Rayna, we got this history. We got this relationship. Even if you don't want to act like it's there. I get it that you want to do this for the kids – and I'm good with that – but we're more than just Levi and Maddie's parents. You know that."
She pressed her lips together for a second. "Deacon, I told you this isn't like couples counseling. We're not a couple."
He sat back, pushing his plate back. "We're family, Ray. Maybe that don't mean we're a couple, but it's something more. It always will be." She opened her mouth, then closed it, putting her coffee cup down and pushing it away. He leaned forward then. "You felt it, at the cabin. You know it's there, which is why you keep putting up roadblocks. We don't gotta fight about it."
She looked away. "I can't go back, Deacon," she whispered. Then she looked at him. "I can't."
"What are you afraid of?"
Her eyes were filled with sadness. "I'm afraid of getting back into the same old patterns that lead to just more pain and loss of trust."
He felt like he'd been hit in the chest and he swallowed over the lump in his throat. "You don't think maybe that ain't something we need to figure out?" he asked, hearing the emotion in his voice.
"I don't know." She looked down, then back. "I think we need to focus on parenting our kids." She put one hand flat on the table. "We just need to get through these next few days until we're back in Nashville." She stood up. "We can't keep doing this." Then she walked away.
He sat for several minutes, then finally got up. After throwing money down on the table for the uneaten meal, he walked out into the lobby and headed for the bus.
Rayna
She walked out of the restaurant and over to the elevators. She wrapped her arms around herself as she waited. When the elevator door opened, she got on, pressing the button for her floor. She tried breathing in and out to steady her nerves, but it felt impossible. When the doors opened onto her floor, she walked out and down the hallway. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the key card, letting herself in.
She walked over to the windows that looked out over the city as well as the street right in front of the hotel. She glanced down and saw Deacon exit the hotel and walk towards the band bus. Rayna, we got this history. We got this relationship. Even if you don't want to act like it's there. There was some truth to what he said, she knew only too well. That had become more obvious the longer the tour went on. Yes, he was on the tour because of their kids, but it still brought back such memories, being on the road with him. Being on stage with him. They'd been through so many ups and downs together. If she tried comparing the years spent trying to get him through his drinking and multiple rehabs and then the past 5 years, it was hard to separate them by a lot. She had tried, this time though, to insulate herself better. She'd figured out ways to keep him at arms' length, not that it really was that hard to do. With him away pursuing his own career it had been easier to put him in her rearview mirror.
We're family, Ray. Maybe that don't mean we're a couple, but it's something more. It always will be. You felt it, at the cabin. You know it's there, which is why you keep putting up roadblocks. She didn't want to think that. She had felt something at the cabin. That was true. And it was why she'd had to leave. It would have been too easy, as she'd said, to fall back into old patterns. She didn't want that. Couldn't do that. The only way she knew to keep it from happening was to put up those roadblocks.
Deacon had been there from the very beginning though. He was the one who'd rescued her in a way. He'd taken her in when her father had kicked her out. They had only had each other and they had learned to rely on each other and it had bonded them in a way that had felt... inevitable. It wasn't as though she hadn't tried to extricate herself from him. Back when he was drinking – when it was really bad – she had tried to leave, multiple times. But he was her family and she couldn't bear the thought of what might happen to him if she weren't there to, what, save him? Rescue him? Take care of him? She'd done all those things, because she was afraid of what would happen to him if she didn't. And because she loved him. She loved him in a way she couldn't explain, in a way that felt like they were inexplicably tied together. She could no more let him go than she could stop breathing.
Things had changed though when he had made the decision to pursue his own career. They no longer seemed to be on the same page. They weren't making decisions together. He was pushing her away and she had been hurt and angry. And then, when he finally left, he'd seemed cold and unfeeling. He wasn't the Deacon she'd grown up with and had loved with every fiber of her being. He was someone else. Someone she no longer knew. And now it seemed like he was trying to find his way back to the person he was, but she'd drawn a line in the sand as if to say it was too late.
She felt her phone vibrate and she pulled it out of her pocket. "Hey, Buck," she said.
"Hey, Rayna. You ready to roll?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I just came upstairs to make sure I didn't leave anything. I'm on my way." She disconnected and looked around, although she knew there was nothing that had been left. She walked towards the door, dropping her keycard on the credenza as she walked out, and closed the door behind her.
Deacon
He was mostly quiet on the bus ride from Charlotte to Atlanta. This would be the next to the last show on the tour. They would be back in Nashville the next day, with the concert the following night. The end of the Little Bits of Heaven tour. Maybe even the end of his time back in Rayna's band. Probably is. He didn't hold out a lot of hope that she would invite him back for the next tour. It wouldn't be necessary. She'd be back to her normal tour schedule, which would leave plenty of time for her to come back home during the week so that the kids would be able to go back to their normal custody arrangement.
She'd been really clear about where things stood between them. Sometimes he thought she was overdoing it, as though she was trying to convince herself as well as him that there was no going back. But then there would be times when their interactions felt comfortable and normal, whatever normal meant. There were times when they felt like family and not just when Maddie and Levi were around. He'd learned a lot of lessons since that day he'd moved out of their house more than 5 years earlier. He'd learned a lot about himself – that he wasn't as cut out for the solo career life as he'd thought, that he could be a good and present father to his children, that Rayna was still the only woman he would ever love, and that she was the only woman he'd really ever be happy with. It was that last part, though, that had proven the most difficult. He could only control how he felt, not how she felt. Even if she was forcing herself to be indifferent to him, it seemed obvious to him that it was what she wanted and needed.
He wished he knew how to make her understand that he was truly sorry for what he'd done and what he hadn't done, that he understood the consequences and wanted to make them right. He wanted the chance to show her that he could turn things around and that it didn't have to be the end for them.
He stared out the window of the bus as they drove through rural areas and cities along the route. This time the next day they'd be on the road to Nashville. Rayna would go home to her cozy Oak Hills house where she'd greet Maddie and Levi when they came home from school. He'd go back to his house, the one he'd rented for a while and then bought, all alone. He wouldn't get Maddie and Levi until the weekend, although he knew they would talk on the phone. He really couldn't wait to see them. They'd only been gone a couple weeks, but he missed them terribly. Just like he knew Rayna did. He sighed. It was too bad they couldn't all be a family together.
Rayna's bus was already at the hotel when the band bus pulled up. He went over to the bus hold and grabbed his bag. When he turned to head for the lobby, he saw her walk down the steps from her bus. He hung back as she walked into the lobby and then waited a few minutes before he followed. As he walked up to the check in desk, he looked around but didn't see her anywhere. He got his key and made his way to the elevators.
He had crossed the lobby from the hotel lounge after the show. It was the last time the band and crew would congregate like this on the tour. Even though he'd felt somewhat melancholy and uncertain about the future, he had wanted to be a part of it all. But it hadn't lifted his spirits the way he'd thought it would and so he decided to head back up to his room. He hoped he might be able to work on a song that had been rolling around in his head for several days. He'd written some disjointed lyrics but was struggling a little with putting it all together. He had decided that if he couldn't figure it out in the next couple days he would abandon it. He had called Erika at the Bluebird to talk about coming back for his regular every third Thursday gig and they had nailed down when he would start back. He thought he could also start to plan out a setlist for those shows.
He could see the elevator doors starting to close, so he jogged up and stuck his hand between the doors just in time to force them open again. He walked in and saw Rayna, who was the only other person in the elevator. He reached over to press the button for his floor and then settled against the back of the elevator.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey."
At first she didn't say anything and so he didn't either. "I can't wait to get home tomorrow," she said finally. "How about you?"
He nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."
She was twisting her hands together. "I, uh, was going to tell you later that I finally got an appointment nailed down with the therapist. Dr. Jensen." He raised his eyebrows. "Saturday after we get back. He wants to do an all-day session."
"Okay," he said, dragging out the word a bit.
She frowned slightly. "I told you it would probably be like this."
"Yeah, I know."
She sighed. "I'll send you the address. I guess we could meet there that morning." She looked at him. "I think it'll be good to finally talk about this stuff, don't you?"
Later he would say that there was just too much building up inside of him and he just reacted, like a gut reaction. He turned towards her and, pushing her up against the corner of the elevator, he pressed his lips to hers. He lifted one hand and threaded his fingers through her hair, his other hand on her waist. Her hands came up and she pressed them against his arms but she didn't push him away. He gently bit on her lip and she opened her mouth, letting him slide his tongue inside. God she tastes good. Then all he could focus on was her lips and her mouth and her tongue and how she was responding to him. He barely registered when she moved one hand first to his shoulder then slid it around his neck, threading her fingers into his hair. Then both arms were around him and she ran her hands down his back. He felt her tilt her pelvis slightly into him and he let his arms circle her waist, pulling her close.
He put his hand on the small of her back, drinking in the taste of her. He moved his other hand to the back of her head, pressing gently against her neck. The way her body felt against his was the way he'd always remembered it, feeling like she was surrendering to him, to her emotions, to the oneness they'd always felt together. She was hungry for him, he could tell, whether she would admit it later or not. The way her lips moved against his, how her tongue felt in his mouth. He felt like he was on fire.
He had no idea how long the kiss went on but when the elevator dinged at his floor, he pulled away, letting his thumb lightly graze her cheek. Her face was soft and a little flushed, her mouth slightly open, her eyes dark, the way they always were when she was caught up in a kiss. He looked deep into her eyes. "Maybe we should talk about that too while we're there," he murmured. Kissing her once more, he turned and walked off the elevator. He had no idea what she thought about that.
Rayna
Oh my god. Deacon just kissed me in an elevator. She took a deep breath, putting one hand over her heart. She could feel her heart beating in her chest and she felt warm all over. She moved her hand and touched her lips with her fingers. She could still taste him, still feel his body pressed against hers. She was trying to sort through all the myriad of emotions she was feeling when the elevator dinged, indicating it had reached her floor. She walked out, almost in a daze, and then down the hall to her room. She let herself in and walked into the living room area with the wall of large windows overlooking the lights of the city against the darkness. She stared out without really seeing anything, still thinking about that kiss. He had kissed her and she had let him. No, she had participated. Because she wanted to.
Deacon had kissed her at the cabin and then she had kissed him back. But that was when she was still with Luke and she had pushed it aside. She attributed it to the close quarters of those few days, when they were alone together with their children at Christmas. Back then he'd owned what he'd done and admitted he wanted them to try again. But she was with Luke and was going to marry Luke. Even after she broke things off with Luke, her intentions were not to revive any kind of romantic relationship with Deacon. But bringing him with her on tour had triggered the feelings she knew she'd always struggled against. It felt like no matter how much hell they put each other through, they couldn't fully disentangle themselves. She had wanted to, thought it was the best thing for her to do that.
She knew the amount of pain he could cause her. He'd caused her years of pain and there was no certainty that it wouldn't happen again. Time had softened some things, as it often did, especially when the other person worked so hard to change the story. And he had tried hard to do that. He had certainly done the one thing that mattered to her above all else – he loved their children and he was committed to being a good father. And even better was that their children loved him, adored him really. He'd made terrible mistakes and grievous decisions over the years she'd known him. It had been easier somehow to make excuses when he was drinking – his childhood, the influence of his father, the friends who encouraged it, and his own darkness that kept pulling him down. Walking away from their family, shutting her out – those were things he did fully sober and aware. Those had been the harder things to forgive.
He's still an alcoholic though. Back when Deacon was still drinking and she had despaired of ever being able to help him, she had turned to Al-Anon for a time. It had been hard for her because of her fierce desire for privacy, especially for him, so she had not stuck with it. What she had learned was that she couldn't save him and that he had to do that himself. It still hadn't stopped her completely from trying but left her close to giving up on him forever. That she hadn't, and that he had done the work to begin that recovery, had given her hope that it was behind them. But maybe it never truly is. She hadn't wanted the pain though. Still didn't. And wasn't sure what to do about it now.
But that kiss.
I thought we were irretrievably broken. Could I be wrong?