Chapter 15
In and Out
At first, there was nothing. No pain, no fear. Nothing. There was just darkness and only darkness. There was no sense of any identity, let alone direction in the vast abyss, but it was peaceful with a feeling of absolute resolution. There was no urgency as he floated and drifted, falling deeper and deeper like a single feather dropped from the tallest of skyscrapers. It was beautiful. Breathtaking. He wanted to stay there forever.
But then there was a voice bathed in light, calling to him, coaxing and guiding him towards it. He resisted it at first. He was tired. So very tired and the blackness was soothing and quiet. It was comforting and relaxing, but it wasn't enough for him to let go completely. For some odd reason, his soul was still unsettled and he found himself seeking out that voice.
Desperate and sorrowful pleas reached his ears, making him yearn to swim to open waters for air. The desperation was so strong that he had no choice but to answer. Flashes of a young girl with a black ponytail and hazel eyes smiling at him greeted him. In his mind's eye, she cupped his face and kissed him lightly on the cheek. A silent promise was written all over her beautiful face, but he couldn't figure out what she was promising. He had a feeling that he would find out sooner or later. She pushed him once and found himself floating up into consciousness.
Suddenly he could breathe, like he had been drowning in the open ocean and had suddenly broken through the surface. Sounds of oxygen being pushed rhythmically reached his ears. The beeping of machines was familiar, as was the dim lighting, but he had yet to connect the dots to his memory. He felt a numbness in his body, so he had been motionless for a while. There was a small, throbbing pain around his chest area too, but it barely registered. No doubt due to drugs and his general high pain tolerance. But he still felt as if all of his muscles had atrophied. He couldn't even lift a finger without feeling like it would take everything that was left in him to do so.
He heard a voice calling for him. It distracted him from the heaviness that he felt and the words started to register in his bleary mind. "Jim? Open those pretty blues for me, please? Jim?"
At the call of his name, all the dots suddenly connected and he realized that he was back on the Enterprise. At the same exact moment, the memories of his entire life slammed into him like a sledgehammer nauseatingly. In that one second, he was forcibly yanked from the molasses of darkness that had surrounded him and he suddenly remembered who he was.
More importantly, he remembered Bones crying over him as he died, remembered feeling Bones' heart hemorrhage out like his own had. He was dead. He knew that he had died. He had felt his life slipping away and the darkness surrounded him and swallow him. He had died. So how the hell was he still alive?!
Jim didn't know if he was relieved that he was breathing again and back onboard his precious girl, albeit in his most hated room of the ship, or if he was terrified that he would have to live.
He had felt peace when he died. A serenity that he had never felt before. All the burdens and chains that weighed him down had dissipated into the air, making him feel so light, as if he could just fly off into the stars. He had accepted it, had looked forward to finally being free. He had yearned for it. He hadn't even known that that was what he had been looking for his entire life until he had been ripped away from it all. He would have to face all his demons again and feel the same heaviness pulling his soul into the darkness and wake up choking in fear and sorrow. To struggle to live instead of surviving.
Hell, that was probably the reason why he was brought back – his atonement; his penance. Someone like him could never have peace.
God. Jim just didn't have that strength in him anymore. He didn't want to. So he kept his eyes closed, but it still couldn't block out the sound of his heart beating ever so steadily. It couldn't hide him from the fact that, aside from losing Thea, he was probably going to lose everything else that he had ever worked for.
His memories of what happened on Zenobia after he left the kids behind were fuzzy, as if he had seen it like an out-of-body experience. All he knew was that, at that time, he had wanted Greenaway's blood and Wolff to suffer. He had known the consequences of killing Greenaway when he had surrendered, but he didn't care. Surviving had never really been the plan anyway – it was something he had certainly hoped for before all the shit hit the fan, but the apathy that had arisen with his bloodlust had completely destroyed those naïve ideals.
Now though, after hearing Bones' voice pleading with him, regret made his throat burn. His heart ached, not just from the fact that he could still feel the throbbing sharpness of his wound, but because the overwhelming guilt and desire to just be done outweighed his regret. Wasn't he the worst?
"Jim?" Bones called again.
The brokenness in Bones' voice tugged at whatever was left of Jim's heartstrings. Jim always had a difficult time letting go of anyone he actually cared about, which was why he had never been able to deny Bones anything from the moment the doctor wormed his way into Jim's heart. No matter how shattered Jim was, he had to fix Bones. He was the one that broke his best friend after all. And if he couldn't fix himself, at least he could focus on someone else and distract himself until he could bury everything again. This time, he would have to push it down deeper than Tarsus IV. He had a feeling that it wasn't going to go well for him, but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
He slowly opened his eyes to see Bones' blurry face in front of him. His friend looked completely haggard and unshaven. Bones had scruff around his chin that only appeared if he hadn't shaved in four or more days. Time had clearly passed, so what had happened between him dying and him waking up? A part of Jim burned to know, but Bones came first.
Jim blinked harshly, trying to clear his vision slightly. He coughed, licking his dry, chapped lips. Without even really thinking about it, he limply reached out towards Bones, ignoring the protest of pain from his weakened muscles. Bones immediately latched on, holding onto Jim's hand like it was his last lifeline.
"You're okay, Jim," Bones said with such relief in his voice. "You're going to be okay."
Well, that was relative and premature, but Jim was very keen on ignoring the building break-down he could feel coming.
Jim couldn't quite find his voice yet and just squeezed Bones' hand once in a quiet attempt to show how sorry he was. Because he remembered what Bones looked like the moment before everything went dark. And that was something that Jim would never be able to forget; that complete and utter look of heart-crushing sorrow. Jim never wanted to see that on Bones again.
Like always, Bones knew what Jim meant without having to say it.
Bones sniffed quietly, wiping his eyes with his free hand quickly. "Don't ever do that to me again, Jim." He looked down at their entwined hands. "Don't ever ask me to go on without you, Jim. Please. I can't do it."
Jim just gave Bones a small smile because he knew that he couldn't promise it. He was never able to when he was the Captain, and he wouldn't be able to now. Especially now that he had no idea what laid in his future. If he had one, that was.
Seeing Jim's smile, Bones shook his head, shoving all his pain and grief aside for now. Jim was his number one priority right now. He had just woken up. Bones shouldn't have barraged Jim with this topic until his body had healed a little bit more.
Bones rubbed Jim's hand comfortingly, signaling that that conversation was tabled for now, which Jim was more than fine with, but the silence that was filling the air felt tight and painful, like those painful memories were a storm cloud just hanging over their heads, and Bones could easily read it.
So he did the first thing that came to mind – something that he had always done whenever Jim woke up in the SickBay after a mission gone wrong: he updated Jim on what had happened since he'd been out, reassuring Jim that everyone he cared about was safe and sound.
"Everyone is fine, by the way. We're still docked in Zenobia. Most of the crew is still down below helping rebuild homes and buildings. Spock, Uhura, and Chekov are working on setting up a new government. They're due to return soon. Sulu is in his quarters. He's still recovering from an infection, but he should be right as rain in a couple more days. Scotty is working on the Enterprise's system so that what happened with Wolff won't ever happen again."
Jim nodded, feeling relief that his friends were safe, but Bones didn't answer the one burning question he had in mind: how had he survived?
"H-how...?" he gasped out hoarsely, but the rest of the words got stuck in his thick throat.
But even without finishing his question, Bones knew what he was asking all the same.
"It was the Goddess and a girl named Thea. They did something to start your heart again. But whatever they did rejected any modern medicine. I had to go in and fix that hole in your heart 21st century style, so you might still feel some soreness for a few days. Be cautious not to pull out the stitches and all my hard work. You're not completely over the hump yet, but you should make a full recovery. You'll be back to being your impossible self in no time."
Most of what Bones said went over Jim's head. His mind was moving so sluggishly so he only picked up a few things and his brain came to a complete standstill the moment Bones mentioned Thea.
"Thea?" Jim frowned, confusion clear on his face. "But...she died. She died in my arms..."
If he was completely coherent, he wouldn't have said that at all (he would've taken that fact to his grave, damn it), but he was so thrown that Bones knew who she was. He had never mentioned her and he was sure that he had told Chekov to not say anything. Was it Liam then? Regardless, what did Thea have to do with him coming back to life when she herself wouldn't have seen the next sunrise?
"She said something about saving your soul because you saved hers."
Jim closed his eyes briefly, shutting away all emotions before he opened them again. He shouldn't have been brought back. If anything, Thea should've lived instead of him.
"Don't be ridiculous. You deserve to live too," came a girl's voice nearby.
Jim's eyes snapped open at the familiar voice. His entire body tried to go on defense, but his body was only raked with more pain. Bones shushed him at his quiet groan and rubbed Jim's hand again, but other than that, Bones didn't seem to react to the voice, which meant that only Jim could hear her.
With slight fear and bewilderment, Jim turned his head to see a translucent Thea hovering nearby, standing next to Bones. She was still wearing that olive green jacket and black shirt and her hair was tied up in that usual, smart ponytail.
She was just as Jim remembered.
At least there were no bloodstains. Jim didn't know if he could handle the sight of that. He could barely believe that he was seeing Thea. Was she a ghost haunting him? Or a hallucination? Jim couldn't decide which was worse.
"What are you giving me, Bones?" Jim murmured.
"It's not the drugs. You're not hallucinating, Jim," she assured as Bones replied with, "The usual 'Jim-approved' cocktail. Why?"
As much as Jim wanted to tell Bones what he was seeing, he was a bit concerned that Bones would strap him down and give him a psych eval, which he would probably fail at this time. So he just hummed once and closed his eyes again. If there was anything he was truly good at, it was ignoring his problems for the moment.
His voice must've been a bit hoarser than he had expected because the next second, Bones was letting go of his hand and standing. "Let me get you some water," Bones said. "I'll be right back. Don't move."
Instantly, Jim felt cold at the loss, but he was too weak to do anything about it. Bones would never go too far anyway, so he wasn't actively concerned about being left alone.
A second later, he heard the doors to the SickBay open, but he resolutely ignored whoever came in. He was still healing after all. It was perfectly within his right to avoid any and all people.
"Jim!" Thea hissed. "Open your eyes! It's Wolff!"
At the same time, Jim heard a grunt of pain from Bones followed by a thud and the shattering of glass.
Jim jolted to full awareness, stifling a groan when his chest flared in pure fire. The stitches pulled slightly, but held. Didn't mean that it didn't hurt like a bitch though. And Jim was as weak as a newborn baby. He could barely move beyond moving his head to the side to see Bones sprawled out on the floor next to pieces of a broken cup, completely unconscious.
There was blood slowly oozing out from the back of Bones' head. He had been in the process of pouring water with his back to the door. He had never even seen his attacker coming.
Footsteps started to approach Jim, making Jim look up from Bones to see the culprit walking ever so causally towards him.
Dread filled Jim's heart. He was completely vulnerable and defenseless right now and the worst possible person showed up at Jim's doorstep.
"Well, well. I heard rumors from my prison cell that you had survived. No idea how it happened, but I couldn't exactly sit quietly once I heard about it, could I, Kirk?" Wolff grinned as he sauntered forward.
He dropped the long piece of what was probably part of a console that he had hit McCoy with onto the floor and walked meaningfully up to the Biobed where Jim laid in a near paralyzed state. As he passed by one of the beds, he picked up a scalpel and twirled it around his fingers.
There was a gleam in Wolff's crazed eyes. For the first time, Jim was actually afraid of him. Not because he was facing death's door again, but because Jim recognized that look on Wolff.
It was the look of a man who had nothing left to lose. It was the look of a man who wanted to go out in a rain of blood. Jim had seen those same eyes whenever he looked in the mirror when he was on Tarsus and for years after. He was sure that he, himself, had had those eyes when he faced Wolff and his army.
And Bones was lying helplessly not too far from them. The moment Wolff killed Jim, he would go after Bones and everyone else that Jim had ever cared for.
A fire burned within Jim. He had lost so much already. He was sure as hell not going to lose anyone else. He would protect them to his very end. That was how he was always meant to go.
That fierce protectiveness made adrenaline surge through his entire body and he could feel some strength returning, but he wasn't exactly going to let Wolff know that. Wolff had always made the mistake of underestimating Jim, after all. Jim was never not going to use that to his advantage.
He knew exactly how this was going to pan out. There were literally two options left. Hopefully, Jim would end up on the winning path.
Half-pretending, Jim struggled against the drugs in his system, but he simply flopped back down panting like a fish out of water. A touch of worry licked at him when he realized how limited his movement truly was. It must've showed on his face because the next second, Wolff was smiling sinisterly at him.
"Shh…" Wolff cooed. "Don't worry. I'll make it relatively fast for you because I can't risk giving you any chance, but you will die knowing how painful and tortuous I will make it for your best friend over there."
"You fucker," Jim snarled, but even he knew that he sounded so utterly weak, which was exactly what he wanted Wolff to think.
Wolff stopped at Jim's bedside and stared down at Jim. "No matter how this turns out for me, I win, Kirk."
"How? Everything ends when you die. You think I'll be angry if I'm dead? I'll be dead, you moron," spat Jim.
"You have a point. But that doesn't mean you can't suffer before I kill you." And then, without warning, Wolff plunged the scalpel into Jim's abdomen, just an inch away from his navel.
Jim yelped in pain, unable to stop his body from reacting. He curled up as Wolff pulled the blade out. Blood spurt out, staining Jim's flimsy hospital shirt and pants, but Wolff didn't stop there. He plunged the scalpel down again, hitting Jim's side. This time, Jim couldn't stop the scream that ripped from his throat.
Just as Wolff raised his hand to bring down the blade again, Jim lashed out, kicking Wolff harshly in his ribs. Wolff went tumbling towards the head of the bed. Jim quickly lunged at Wolff's waistline and used his body weight to fling them to the ground.
His movements were an uncoordinated mess and Wolff was clearly at least ten times stronger than Jim was, but Jim still had the element of surprise on his side.
There was a loud clatter as a small stand with a tray of supplies that had been next to Jim's bed tipped over. Jim reached out blindly, trying to grab what he was looking for, but Wolff recovered before Jim had a chance to get anything.
Immediately, Jim found himself slammed onto his back with Wolff straddling him, two hands around his neck and squeezing tighter. One of Jim's hands immediately flung up to try to pull Wolff away from him, but the other kept searching as he choked.
Wolff just smirked. "How the tables have turned, Kirk. Don't you just love it?"
"F-fuck. You," Jim got out. His vision was blackening around the edges. Shit. He had miscalculated. The hypospray had landed too far away from him and he had no means to get to it.
Something darted behind Wolff. It was a smooth figure, almost like a ghost (or maybe it was a trick of his fading vision), and then suddenly, Jim felt the hypospray drop into his outstretched hand. Jim didn't hesitate and quickly brought it up, slamming it against Wolff's neck. There was a hiss as Jim released the medicine directly into Wolff's bloodstream.
It took seconds for Wolff to succumb to the sedatives. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he collapsed, hitting the ground heavily.
For moments, Jim just laid there breathing through the haze of pain.
In and out. In and out.
Jim didn't spare a look at Wolff. It was over for now. It almost seemed too easy, but Jim didn't even care. He'd take all the breaks that he could get, but he was in no condition to tie Wolff up let alone send him back to the Brig. To do that, he needed Bones. More than anything, he just needed to know that Bones was okay. He couldn't be too sure how hard Wolff hit Bones.
"Don't worry. Your 'Bones' is fine. He's just knocked out."
Flinching, Jim turned to see Thea standing next to him with her arms behind her back. She was looking down at Wolff, but her face was oddly blank. If he wasn't so sure that he was hallucinating, he would've sworn that it was Thea who magically brought the hypospray to him too.
"How did you know that the hypospray had a sedative in it?" she asked when she looked back at Jim. "You knew exactly what to go for. How did you know that would work?"
Welp. It was official. Jim was crazy. How else did she know exactly what Jim had planned from the very start? But what the hell. He wasn't going to be conscious for very long anyway, at least based on the amount of blood that he was quickly losing. The chances of him remembering this hallucination were very slim. He might as well indulge in it while he could.
"Bones always keeps a sleeping aid for me after a close call," he answered as he slowly sat up. He groaned as he did and pressed one hand against the wound in his stomach and the other on his side. His chest was roaring in pain now too; he could feel that he had torn a few stitches.
The world started spinning nauseatingly. Jim swallowed harshly.
"You need to call for help."
Jim just nodded. He was going to, really. But he had to check on Bones first. Even if she said that Bones was fine, Jim needed to see for himself.
Breathing heavily, Jim grimaced and groaned in pain as he gently eased himself to his feet, careful to step around Wolff. His legs were so shaky and weak that he almost fell the moment he tried to stand, but he had to keep going.
Jim stumbled towards Bones, collapsing onto his knees halfway there. The impact jarred his entire body and a cry slipped past his lips. The entire world whited out for a moment, but Jim was so close.
"Come on, Jim. Just a few more feet. You can make it!" Thea cheered from beside him.
Sweat was drenching Jim's face and he was literally seconds from passing out, but still, he forced himself to crawl and inch agonizingly forward until he finally reached his friend.
He shook Bones gently while calling out his name, but the doctor didn't wake. Trembling, Jim laid two bloody fingers on Bones' carotid artery and let out a sigh of relief when he felt the strong, steady pulse, but they weren't out of the woods. Jim was well aware that he had left a bloody trail behind him and Bones needed to have his head checked. He could easily be bleeding intracranially and Jim didn't want to take that chance.
He reached around Bones, straining to grab the communicator off McCoy's belt. He fumbled with it until his numb fingers managed to dial the first person that came to mind. Someone that Jim knew had his back. Always.
The line started ringing. Jim's fingers entangled with Bones'.
"Spock here," came Spock's voice over the communicator.
"Spock," Jim breathed in relief.
"Jim?!" Spock said with unhidden surprise and worry. He clearly was not expecting to hear from Jim for a while, and if Jim was calling him with a lack of his usual wit and sarcasm, it didn't bode well.
"Spock...I can't…I can't wake Bones." Jim was fully aware of his words slurring, but that was about all that he could figure out. His brain was slowing exponentially and all he wanted right now was for the world to stop spinning. He'd do with a bit more light too. Why the hell was it getting dark so fast?
He glanced down at the small puddle of blood surrounding him. Oh, that couldn't be good.
"Jim, what cannot be good?"
Had he said that last part aloud? Jim wasn't aware of it. He slumped down further. "That's a lot of blood…" he mumbled.
It was the last thing he remembered before everything turned black.
"You neglected to tell me that the blood you mentioned belonged to you," was the first thing Jim heard when he surfaced to consciousness again.
He recognized that voice and that barely concealed exasperation that was usually reserved for times when he did something stupid.
Jim blinked his eyes open and saw the fuzzy figure of Spock come into focus. The Vulcan was standing beside him with his hands clasped behind his back. His entire figure was taut with tension and there was a strain on his face, which always meant that Jim did something to worry him.
Instead of feeling guilty like he used to, he felt annoyance lick at him. It wasn't exactly his fault that Wolff broke out of prison to attack him and Bones, was it? At least he had half a mind to call Spock before he actually passed out.
Spock didn't seem to follow that train of thought. "Why did you not simply ask the computer to call for assistance?"
"I was bleeding out," Jim rasped out. "Forgive me if I couldn't think clearly. How's Bones?"
"Fine, thanks to you," Bones said from somewhere behind Spock.
Jim squinted, thinking that he couldn't see Bones because his entire head felt like it was filled with cotton balls, but then Bones stepped into his view, rolling his eyes at Jim's antics. Instantly, McCoy noted that Jim's tense shoulders relaxed slightly.
It was just like Jim to be more concerned about his friend than his own body. But at the same time, McCoy could see that Jim was still on guard, his body language was crying "don't touch me, don't get near me," but McCoy didn't know why.
Completely unaware of McCoy's thoughts, Jim let his eyes flitter away, distracted by anything that wasn't his friends' concerned faces. He felt his stomach drop when he saw the transparent figure of Thea hovering near Spock's right shoulder. She was more solid than before, which made Jim very confused.
She hadn't left then. Huh. Jim definitely had some very complex and conflicting feelings about that. But why hadn't she gone?
His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth to talk to her, but Thea shook her head with a smile and held up a single finger to her lips.
Well, if his hallucination, haunting, or whatever it was didn't want him to admit that he was losing it, who was he to deny it?
He forced himself to look away from her. Spock and Bones were still there, watching him with such concern in their eyes.
Now that Jim knew that Bones was okay, he felt his interest in being awake waning, but he knew that he fell asleep before Spock and Bones, they would think there was something wrong and keep a closer eye on him. And that was something he desperately did not want.
So he deflected. "What happened?" Jim asked.
McCoy frowned, his tricorder already out. "You don't remember?"
Jim waved a hand nonchalantly, ignoring the fact that he almost smacked his own nose doing so. Goddamn blood loss. Always made him as clumsy as a newborn fawn. "I meant, what happened to Wolff?"
Spock's eyes narrowed at the mention of Wolff. "You need not concern yourself with him any longer."
The way Spock said that gave Jim pause and his attention suddenly snapped back to them. His blue eyes searched their expressions. He felt a tiny ounce of alarm rising. "Jesus…what did you guys do to him?"
Spock tilted his chin up defiantly. "Nothing that he did not deserve."
McCoy nudged Spock in reprimand. "Don't say it like that. Jim has a wild imagination. He probably just imagined that we cut Wolff into tiny pieces and threw him out the chute into space."
"Something along those lines, yeah," Jim admitted with a quiet mutter, letting his head fall back on the pillow. God, he was so utterly weak right now. It was ridiculous. And the pain killers that Bones had him on were slowly weaning off. Not that he was going to say anything about it. It'd just make the two of them hover more.
"He's being kept in the Brig with a guard round-the-clock."
Even through the fog in his mind, Jim knew that that was something that he had to be concerned about. He frowned. "That's not going to be enough." They should know that. Wolff had already escaped once. What made them think that he wasn't going to do it again? Especially since Jim had survived. Again.
"Did I forget to mention that his ass is being drugged 'til kingdom comes?" There was a vindictive gleam in Bones' eyes. It made Jim kind of nervous.
"What did you give him?"
"A neuromuscular blocking agent. Long-acting."
Jim blinked a couple of times to truly comprehend what Bones was saying. "…you paralyzed him."
"Yep."
"And I'm assuming you didn't give him a sedative."
"Nope."
"So he can't move a single muscle, but he's still conscious?"
"Yep. He'll be able to feel and see everything. And if Giotto 'dropped' him a few times on the way to the Brig, I had no control over that."
"Wow. You're more sadistic than I thought you were, Bones."
Bones rolled his eyes. "Like you wouldn't have done worse."
"Yes, but we know that I'm an awful human being headed straight to hell, so that point is moot," Jim shot back. And immediately regretted it. He blamed the drugs for making his tongue looser than he would've otherwise allowed normally.
Both Spock and Bones flinched at his words and it made Jim remember a very important fact: they knew about Thea. They knew that he had killed her.
Automatically, he shut himself off, closing himself to everything.
"Jim…" Bones started, but Jim didn't want to hear anything.
Logically, he knew that Bones probably was just going to tell him that it wasn't what he was thinking or it wasn't his fault. Bones was comforting and understanding that way, but Jim didn't want to hear it. He wanted the pain. He wanted to suffer. He deserved that more than anything else.
"So what's the decision on me?" Jim asked instead, cutting Bones off.
His friends looked at him with confusion. "What do you mean?" Spock questioned.
"I killed Greenaway," Jim said with a careless shrug. There was no fear or anxiety in his words. He sounded like he was simply talking about the weather. "Starfleet wouldn't just let me get away with it, no matter if I am their golden boy or not. What's the verdict?"
"Maybe we should wait for another time to discuss this, Jim. You're still healing," Bone tried to placate.
"Let me guess then: they don't know how to deal with me yet because of who I am and what I know. I'm guessing house arrest until they can schedule a face-to-face with me?"
When Spock and McCoy didn't answer, Jim knew he had hit the nail on the head.
"When do they want to meet with me?"
"The Admirals said that they wanted to speak with you once you were conscious and healthy enough for questioning," replied Spock.
Jim just gave him a look. "That wasn't what they said and you know it, Spock. Have they been waiting to speak with me?"
"We have been fielding their calls on the account that you were unconscious, Jim," Spock admitted reluctantly.
"Call them."
"What?"
"Call them now," Jim repeated, pushing himself into a sitting position, which may have been a tactical mistake.
The moment he was upright, the world swirled nauseatingly. His body screamed in body and he was acutely made aware that he had been stabbed, not just once, but twice, on top of being shot in the chest. All of which he was still recovering from.
He knew that all the color remaining in his skin had completely leached out with the sudden onset of pain. His limbs shook from the simple exertion of sitting. He was swaying, he was sure of it, but he had been in worse conditions (though this easily made the top three on his list).
Bones reached out to steady him. "Jim, you're in no state to stand before the Admirals," he said carefully and gently, like he was trying to coax a spooked horse.
Jim just gritted his teeth, pushed Bones away, and inched his way to the edge of the bed. "I don't care. Let's get this over with."
"Jim, I do not agree with this course of action. You have been through an ordeal. You need to let your body rest," Spock tried.
All Jim heard from that was that he was too weak to meet the Admirals, which was probably true. Didn't mean that Jim had to like it. "I'm fine," he snapped.
"You most certainly are not," Spock retorted.
What little patience Jim had completely disappeared in that moment. He didn't need anyone coddling him. He didn't want to deal with his friends being overprotective. He was just done. All he wanted now was to know what the hell Starfleet was going to do with him so that he could accept it and move on. Because he wouldn't be able to handle being trapped in his mind with no answers right now.
"You have two options: you can either be helpful and call the Admirals for me or you can shut the hell up and stay in your little corner while I talk to the Admirals. Either or, I'm talking with them. It's not up for debate," Jim hissed.
Both Spock and Bones looked extremely taken aback by Jim's tone of voice – this was the first time that Jim was actually blatantly rude to them – but Jim paid them no attention at all and focused all his strength to setting his feet on the ground.
He felt a single hand on his shoulder and he lifted his head, a snarl almost on his face, but when he saw Bones' crestfallen expression, it made the anger that was curling in his stomach unfurl a little.
"We'll call them. Just…why do you need to speak to them now? You're literally in so much pain that you can't even hide it anymore. But we'll stand with you, Jim. There was never a question on that. Just tell me why you need to see them so adamantly."
Jim squirmed, wincing harshly as the movement jarred the sore muscles around the newly healed stab wounds. He glanced at Spock and Bones, read the tight lines of worry and concern. They both looked as though they had aged years.
He deflated a bit then, sighing. "I just need to know. I can't lie around not knowing."
"Do you regret it? Killing Greenaway?"
Jim's eyes flickered to the right and saw Thea's silent figure behind Spock. He didn't hesitate. "No."
Bones sighed. "That's what I was worried about…We're going with you to talk with the Admirals. Don't say anything stupid, okay? We still need you. You can't go anywhere, Jim."
Jim just nodded, swallowing back bile as the movement made him nauseous.
Bones held out a hand to help Jim off the bed. Jim eyed it for a brief second, debating if he actually wanted assistance, before deciding to take it and ease off the bed.
The gesture made Bones frown internally – Jim used to never hesitate when it came to Bones. Worry gripped even tighter in Bones, but it wasn't the time yet. He could see it in Jim's eyes.
There had always been a darkness in those blues, one that would never go away, but there had always been a spark within them, a hopeful light that looked to the stars and the future. But Jim's eyes now? It was reminiscent of the times when Jim woke up screaming from a nightmare about Tarsus: dark, sad, and resigned, as if he had given up on life itself.
This was not the time to push Jim. Not when he couldn't hear anything past the overwhelmingly heavy and suffocating grief.
So Bones just watched his best friend grit his teeth and struggle to stand again. Jim almost fell, but Bones and Spock caught him on either arm, holding him up until he could get his feet steady underneath him again.
Slowly, the three of them walked down the white halls of the Enterprise. There was barely anyone onboard, at least none that Jim saw, which was fine by him. He didn't want anyone to see how weak he was now. Broken.
Thea walked quietly in front of him, leading the way, humming a silly little song that Jim didn't recognize. Occasionally, she would look back at Jim with this look on her face. Jim didn't know what it meant and he figured that he probably didn't want to know anyway, so he studiously ignored her and focused on moving his feet. His chest burned as each step made his stitches feel tighter. His muscles ached and he found himself leaning more and more on Spock whose iron grip kept him going.
By the time they got to Jim's ready room, he was about ready to collapse. Everything shook and he was ninety percent sure that his wound was starting to bleed again. He let Bones guide him to a chair where he sat down with a sigh while Spock called the Admirals.
"You need anything, Jim?" Bones asked.
Jim shook his head and willfully tried to make his hands stop shaking. It didn't work.
"You could have waited, you know," Thea said. She plopped down on the table next to him, letting her legs swing in the air. "Your body is a mess right now. Not just from what Wolff did."
He shot her a look, confusion in his eyes.
"And you say you're a genius…You need to take it easy for a while, Jim."
There was an air of something more behind her words, but Jim would have to save his questions for when he was alone. The last thing he wanted was for Bones and Spock to know that he was losing his mind.
Purposefully, Jim looked away again, watching Spock call the Admirals. It connected within a few rings and Spock moved to make sure that he blocked Jim from view until the last possible second.
Komack's face first appeared on screen, as he was the one to answer the call. It looked like it was good timing because Admirals Barnett, Chandra, Lui, and Pike appeared beside Komack when the camera pulled out. Clearly, they had called them in the middle of a meeting, which meant that they didn't need to wait for the Admirals to gather.
Immediately, Jim could see Pike's openly concerned and worried with a mixture of relief that Spock had called, a sentiment that Jim did share. It was good to know that all the shit Jim had pulled didn't end up ruining someone else's life too.
Jim's eyes flickered over the other Admirals. The annoyance that was a constant on Komack, but behind it was wariness and tiredness that Jim hadn't seen before. The rest of the Admirals had an impassive expression, a completely blank slate, but that was nothing new either.
"Has Kirk 'woken up' yet, Commander Spock?" Komack demanded without much preamble.
Spock read into the emphasis in Komack's words easily and straightened his back to defend Jim. "Captain Kirk has been recovering from grievous injuries," Spock replied, his voice hard.
It sounded rehearsed, like Spock had said that particular sentence a few times already. It made Jim wonder how many times Komack had demanded to see him. It also made him curious why it was so urgent to meet with him. Knowing Komack, there had to be an ulterior motive.
Jim sighed and forced himself to his feet, making his presence known.
Komack's beady eyes instantly zoomed in on him. "Kirk," he greeted.
"Admirals," Jim returned cordially.
Komack and the other Admirals gave him an once-over. Jim could only imagine what they were seeing – no doubt Jim looked like a mess. He knew that he was pale as snow with cold sweat on his brow from the exertion of leaving the bed. His shoulders were slightly hunched over, trying to compensate for the aching pain in his body. His shaking was probably noticeable too.
Concern crossed Komack and Barnett's eyes for a brief second – a testament to how bad Jim probably looked right now.
"You look like shit," Pike said, the concern coming out despite the crass words.
Jim huffed out a chuckle. That was the understatement of the year. "Well, getting shot and stabbed would do that to you."
Komack was unimpressed. "So we've heard from the reports submitted by Commander Spock and the rest of the command crew."
"Yeah? And yet, you were so insistent on meeting with me when you knew I was recovering."
"Your friends are known to doctor their reports to protect you, Kirk. We weren't sure if they were simply delaying the inevitable."
"Well, here I am." Jim stretched out his arms to match his words, hiding the grimace of pain the movement brought along. "What do you want from me?"
Spock stepped in immediately. "Perhaps we should begin with Captain Kirk's testimony of what occurred."
"I concur," Barnett said. "James Kirk, please recount what happened from the beginning. Starting with Admiral Dreyes' death and your involvement."
"First of all," Jim started, unable to stop his cheekiness and annoyance. "I was not involved in Dreyes' death. Wolff killed Dreyes. I was just the genius who found the body."
"You should have received the evidence that Captain Kirk gathered while on Zenobia," Spock interjected. "The recording was conclusive in proving that Mr. Wolff was responsible for Admiral Dreyes' murder."
Jim gave Spock a look. "You guys found that communicator? I didn't think it survived the fight."
Komack raised his hand, silencing Jim. "Moving on, Kirk. How did you know it was Wolff?"
"He told me, after my 'interrogation," Jim replied with a shrug. "It wasn't that far of a leap anyway. He told me he was planning on trapping the Enterprise on Zenobia."
"Why were we not aware of this?"
Jim had to bite his tongue to not throw a scathing 'because you're all incompetent' retort at Komack. While he didn't particularly care about the consequences of saying it, Jim wasn't feeling up to defending himself. He was so, so tired and extreme weakness was starting to kick in with a touch of nausea.
His strength was flagging, and it was obvious to both Spock and Bones. The two could see how much paler Jim became – they hadn't thought it was possible. He was swaying too and had put one hand on the table to hold himself up. It was taking everything Jim had to just stay upright, let alone defend himself.
"Are you serious?" demanded Bones in Jim's stead. "Wolff managed to pull the wool over all of our eyes until he chose to reveal himself. Do you really think he was going to leave behind damning evidence to Jim no less? Of course you weren't going to be aware of their conversations, especially when Jim was being implicated for Wolff's crime."
"The point of the matter is," Spock slid in smoothly. "Captain Kirk was aware of Mr. Wolff's plan and chose to flee custody in an attempt to rescue the crew as well as stop Mr. Wolff from harming others."
Barnett leaned in. "Why did he simply not tell us what was transpiring?" he asked.
"Would you have believed him?" Bones returned. "You all had already written Jim off and had him arrested and thrown into maximum security. If he had told you that the man who was supposed to be taking over the Enterprise was out to get everyone, would you have believed him?"
The silence from the Admirals was telling. Pike had purposefully kept his mouth shut, but besides him, the uncomfortable expressions on the Admirals' faces made Jim feel both smug and angry at the same time.
At least the Admirals knew that they had screwed up.
"At the risk of their own lives, Captain Kirk and Ensign Chekov traveled to Zenobia where they uncovered Governor Greenaway's plot to gain more power and wealth," Spock narrated. "As my reports have stated, a famine broke out on Zenobia an indeterminate time ago. The villagers had begun to panic and Governor Greenaway took advantage of the people's vulnerability. Under pretense of assisting villagers, Governor Greenaway sent his troops to take all the children, coercing the villagers to obey him."
"And that is how you were captured so easily?" Komack asked with a hint of scorn in his voice.
"If Greenaway and Wolff used an army of civilians, do you really think that the crew of the Enterprise could have done anything against them? How would that look, James?" Pike snapped. "An army of trained soldiers against an army of unarmed civilians? Use your head, James. Stop attacking them. The situation is already dire as it is. Just let them speak!"
Komack's mouth slammed shut with a click.
"Thank you, Admiral Pike," Spock said before continuing, telling the rest of the story. Or at least that was what Jim assumed he did.
Jim only distantly heard what Spock was saying. It sounded like he was underwater. No, that wasn't quite right: he felt like he was underwater. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move. His limbs felt so heavy.
He glanced down, his head feeling like it was a hundred pounds, but he saw only a speck of blood on his shirt. So he wasn't bleeding profusely…why the hell did he feel like he was about to keel over at any second?
Ever so observant, Bones saw Jim staggering for a brief second before he composed himself again, but it was a losing battle. Subtly, Bones moved in a little closer, ready to grab Jim if needed.
Jim didn't even sense Bones' approach, which was worrisome to say the least. Bones immediately caught Spock's attention. All Spock had to do was take one look at Jim and know that they had to wrap things up, like five minutes ago.
He faced the Admirals again. "What is your verdict, Admirals?" he questioned. "Captain Kirk is still recovering and should be on bed rest. If you cannot come to a conclusion at this moment, perhaps we should postpone this discussion for another time."
The Admirals turned and quietly muttered amongst themselves for a brief moment. When it seemed that they came to a conclusion, it was Barnett who addressed Jim.
"Mr. Kirk, in light of new evidence, the charges against you regarding the murder of Admiral Dreyes have been absolved. However, that does not diminish the fact that you escaped from confinement. Furthermore, the evidence against you regarding the execution of Zachariah Greenaway, despite his surrender, is strong against you. Do you deny these allegations?"
Jim wasn't going to lie. "No."
"Under the circumstances, we can understand the need for your drastic measures. You were under immense duress which may have led to your lapse of judgment."
Huh. So that was how Spock had spun it. Jim hadn't thought of that option: plea by insanity. It suited him, especially since Thea was still sitting next to him, watching the whole conversation silently.
"But," continued Barnett, "That does not mean we agree with your actions. We require more time to deliberate your case. For now, you will remain under house arrest and be confined to your quarters upon the Enterprise until we come to a decision."
It was fair – at least they were going to take his side of the story into consideration – but when he looked at Thea again, he knew it wasn't enough. He needed to know more. "And what of Wolff?"
Barnett's brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Subconsciously, Jim's left hand, the one that was not supporting his entire weight, curled into a fist. "What are you going to do about Wolff?"
"I think you should be more focused on yourself, son," Pike suggested gently.
"What are you going to do about Wolff?" Jim repeated insistently.
"We haven't officially decided his sentence," Komack replied.
"Unofficially, then."
"He will be kept under constant watch until he can be transferred to Starfleet where we will decide his fate."
"Will he stand trial?"
"No. We have deemed that he is too unstable to stand trial," Barnett explained.
"He's not mentally unsound," Jim protested. "He's more than fit to stand trial."
"Be grateful that you will not be standing trial either, Captain," Komack growled, using Jim's previous title like it was something to curse.
Something within Jim stirred at those words. Because he knew what the Admirals were trying to get at. He had seen it a lifetime ago. Starfleet was going to try and pull the same shit that they had done after Tarsus IV.
A deep seeded fury lashed out uncontrollably like a solar flare, burning fiercely. "No."
Komack and the Admirals were clearly taken aback.
"What do you mean, 'no'?" demanded Komack.
Bones hissed under his breath, "Jim! Don't!"
Jim raised his chin defiantly. "No."
Anger made his body straighten, filling his veins with strength and power. Like he had never been broken in the first place. He took an unwavering step forward. "I didn't kill Greenaway out of fear and worry for my crew or even out of desperation. I killed him because it had to be done."
"Jim, do you know what you're saying?!" Pike panicked.
Jim wasn't stopping for a second. "Do you know how many people died at his hands? Do you know how many wives lost their husbands? How many brothers lost their sisters? Do you know how many children were left homeless, parentless, and hopeless? I do. I saw it. All you did was sit there, on your comfortable chairs, safe at home, while children died in my arms. So you don't get to make the decisions about the fate of these people who have suffered enough from your high pedestal. Everyone who died at Greenaway's hands deserved justice. He needed to pay for his crimes. I wasn't going to let another Kodos run free. That's why I killed him, and I'll do it again in a heartbeat."
He leaned forward, a snarl on his face. "I won't let you sweep this under the rug like you did for Tarsus. Never again. I won't let those people die in vain too. So if I need to stand trial for it, then so be it. But I will not let you use me and my standing as your decorated puppet as an excuse to hide away all the crimes that Wolff did to protect Starfleet's image. Wolff deserves to hang for what he did. Hell, I do too. So put us on trial. Drag us through the mud. Burn us. Forsake us. It's the least that we deserve."
Stunned and shocked silence hung heavy in the air.
Jim was sadly unsurprised. "Call me when you come to a decision, Admirals," Jim said, bowing once before turning curtly on his heels to leave.
He was stopped right by the door by Pike's sudden call. "Jim, do you want to regain your Captaincy?"
There was a pause as Jim considered the question. "It's not a matter of whether I want it or not," he said softly. "People died because of me. Worlds were torn apart in my name. Kids were left without homes and families…Do you really think that someone like me should be Captain?" He looked at them with such devastation in his bright, blue eyes. "I don't."
He didn't wait to hear a response and left. There was an explosion of sound when the door closed behind him. Spock's lower baritone voice could be heard above the din of the Admirals arguing amongst themselves, but Jim barely paid attention to it.
With his piece said, everything faded from him and he sagged heavily against the wall. Panting like he had run a marathon, he focused all his energy on trying to keep a hold on his consciousness. Blackness was quickly closing in on him even though the pain erupting from his chest was like fireworks in his darkening world.
He pressed a hand against his aching wound, only to feel a wetness behind his fingers. He glanced down and saw that there was a bloodstain on his shirt that was rapidly growing.
Ah, shit. Did he tear his stitches?
"You didn't tear your stitches," said Thea.
"Wha…?" he muttered, looking up to see Thea standing in front of him.
She was frowning and looking very, very worried. She bit her lip, thinking. "I think the Goddess' magic is fading. I told you that your body was a mess, but would you listen?"
"What magic?" he gasped out.
"Listen to me, Jim, and listen carefully. You may have been brought back to life, but that isn't without its own consequences. Your body is rejecting her magic."
"What? Why?"
Her hazel eyes swallowed him. "Because you don't want it."
An intense bout of nausea slammed into him like a tidal wave and he bent over, barely getting a hand to cover his mouth in time and retching through his fingers. Splatters of crimson greeted him when he saw the floor.
At the same time, Bones burst out of the room, looking for him. His eyes widened comically when he saw Jim vomiting up blood.
"I…I think I'm in trouble…" mumbled Jim.
Then he collapsed.
The last thing he was aware of was Bones' arms catching him and Thea yelling out his name. But that was it.
And yet, he couldn't have been more thankful for the darkness.
To be continued...
Sorry this update took so long. Writer's block all around. It's been awful. But I did get inspired by the movie! It was awesome. Just didn't have time to write. :( I'll probably be pretty busy for the next months or so (work and all. Need to be a responsible adult for once in my life, ugh), so the updates will be slow, but I wanted to reassure you all that I'm still working on it (and Ingenious Idiot). It just takes some time.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please read and review!
Cheers,
Yuna