Chapter 17

Step Forward

Spock stood rim-rod straight in front of the Admirals, his usually expressionless mask formed into a perpetual frown. He remained reticent while the Admirals argued amongst themselves. The only one who held his tongue was Chris, but his attention constantly wavered between listening intently to the others, looking at Spock, and glancing at the door. As if he expected that someone – probably Jim – would walk through at any moment and bring an end to this long and heated argument.

"We cannot possibly handle another scandal after Nero, especially since it came from within our own ranks!" Chandra said.

"I don't know if there is anything we can do to keep the situation in Zenobia quiet after all this. The press has already been clambering over the news of Kirk escaping," agreed Komack. "Tarsus IV was an unfortunate event…"

Barnett interrupted Komack angrily, "Unfortunate?! It was a disaster! We shouldn't make light of such a black mark in our history."

"Even so!" Komack shouted back. "The widespread panic of the people knowing that Starfleet failed would be even more catastrophic. It would be a kindness to shield them from such fear."

"Now you're starting to sound like Kodos, James," Archer glared. "Do we stoop to his level? Starfleet is better than that. We are better than that."

"Calm down, everyone," Lui said, her voice barely above normal volume, but all those around her immediately quieted once she spoke. A sign of respect for one of the most senior of the Admirals. Her presence, while small, carried more weight than the rest of the room combined. "We currently have several issues at hand. The first being that James Kirk executed Governor Greenaway, who had already surrendered."

"Not to mention that Kirk escaped from prison," supplied Komack.

"Silence, James," Lui snapped. "That is one of the lesser concerns at the moment. Kirk's actions with Governor Greenaway is a direct violation of our peace charters. Furthermore, Royce Wolff has committed treason, assassinated Admiral Dreyes, and was an accomplice to an aggressive and violent occupation of a protected Starfleet colony. Both Kirk's and Wolff's crimes cannot go unpunished."

"However, by bringing their crimes to light, it may cause citizens to doubt and lose faith in the Federation, especially so soon after Nero was able to cripple our authority so terribly. This is something that we cannot afford at this juncture."

"So what do you propose?" asked Chris, speaking for the first time since the meeting started, "There doesn't seem to be any good routes that we can take right now."

Lui looked at Chris, considering him for a moment. "You have been relatively quiet, Chris, but you are close to Kirk. Why is it that you have not yet spoken on behalf of the boy?"

Chris cleared his throat. "My 'bias' towards Jim may not be appreciated by some," Chris responded, pointedly ignoring Komack's presence.

"On the contrary, in this scenario, I do believe that your familiarity with Kirk may be of use here."

Chris didn't waste any time. He thoughtfully clasped his hands before him. "Don't you think that something doesn't quite fit right here? Before, when we spoke to him, Jim insisted that he was of sound mind when he executed Greenaway, but Jim is the type of man who will always put others before himself. Hell, that's why we wanted him so bad. Every action he has taken is to save as many people as possible. For a man who holds every life as dear as he does, I don't quite fully understand why or how he could just kill Greenaway in cold blood in front of witnesses. He must have a deeper reason for doing what he did to Greenaway. I want to know why before I make any decision. The real reason why. Not that bullshit answer we got earlier when we ambushed the man before he had the chance to get his bearings together."

"If I may interject, I may be able to shed some light on the matter," Spock slid in smoothly.

After a beat of surprise, Lui just nodded at Spock. "Procced, Commander."

Spock stood up straighter, if that was even possible, and kept his eyes on the Admirals when he spoke. "Captain Kirk, from a young age, survived the genocide of Tarsus IV. Due to certain unavoidable circumstances, I was able to access his memories from those days and can objectively speak on how that brought about the events that led to Captain Kirk's actions upon Zenobia."

"Captain Kirk has personally experienced the same fears, sorrows, and vast array of emotions as the civilians on Zenobia. More than anyone else in the universe, he understands and empathizes. His current desire to throw himself on the grenade, as the saying goes, is due to this. To see loved ones, neighbors, and even simply strangers to perish before one's eyes is life-altering."

"Such brutality as exhibited by Governor Kodos, Mr. Greenaway, and Mr. Wolff goes against the very nature of humans, and Captain Kirk is very well aware of this. While Starfleet did indeed come to the aid of both Tarsus IV and Zenobia in the end, albeit late, the difference between the two is that the culprit for one is still at large."

"We, who have never seen the battlegrounds of people clinging to the last threads of humanity for the sake of survival, cannot possibly comprehend the resentment, anger, and grief of these survivors. Captain Kirk executed Mr. Greenaway not only for the sanity of the Zenobians, but also for the survivors of Tarsus who, to this day, still quake under the fear that Governor Kodos may one day appear before them again."

"For that alone, Captain Kirk shouldered the heavy burden by himself. In his mind, it was his duty because he was not able to do so for those who have been, and continue to be, haunted by the shadows of Tarsus. Captain Kirk did not act out of a need for revenge, but out of a desire for justice. While I cannot objectively say whether or not his reasoning is correct, I can say that, in Captain Kirk's mind, he was trying to do what was right by the people who suffered the most – the citizens and victims of these men who thought they could stand above the world."

There was a long moment of silence while the Admirals digested this information.

Barnett was the first to recover, joking in the presence of awkwardness. "I didn't think I would live to see the day a Vulcan is preaching to us about emotions."

Spock dipped his head. "As Captain Kirk often says, 'desperate times, desperate measures.'"

"Then, Commander," Chandra asked, "Would you objectively stand by Captain Kirk's actions?"

"My opinion on the matter is irrelevant, Admiral. The question is whether the people will stand by Captain Kirk's actions. As you all have said, we cannot allow fear of incompetency spread. However, one of Captain Kirk's monikers is 'savior of worlds' as he has saved many throughout his career and before. To brand Captain Kirk as a traitor for doing something that many in his position would have done may lead to more unrest and distrust in Starfleet. It would be wise to use this knowledge to our advantage."

Komack frowned. "So you're saying, because of Kirk's reputation, we can't touch him or we'll risk rebellion? Doesn't that mean that Kirk poses more of a threat then?"

Not for the first time, Spock agreed with Jim that Komack was truly incompetent when blinded by preconceptions. "That is not what I have been saying, Admiral. Have you not been listening? Should I repeat what I have just said for you?"

"Excuse you?!"

Archer snorted at Komack. "You aren't listening, James. The good Commander here is saying that we can use Kirk's reputation to buffer whatever outrage that the public may have."

"Kirk can't get away scot-free from killing a prisoner! Not if we want to put Wolff on trial as well."

"Komack does have a point," Chris reluctantly admitted. "Wolff committed treason, yes, but his crimes are tied in with Jim's. There's no way to bring Wolff to trial and hide the fact that Jim killed Greenaway. Wolff will sing like a bird if we try to. But at the same time, Jim shouldn't be punished severely after all that he has done for Starfleet. Putting Jim on trial will destroy his career, and at this point, I don't think Starfleet can take that hit right now."

Barnett looked over at Pike. "So what do you think we should do about Wolff?"

"I may have a proposal, Admirals," Spock suggested. "The punishment should fit the crime. Mr. Greenaway deserved to die for his; Mr. Wolff deserves to live."

"And why is that?" Chandra questioned.

"Because Mr. Greenaway wanted to live above all others with his power and authority. Mr. Wolff wanted to bring as many people down with his."

Spock let that sink in before continuing. "Mr. Wolff has committed many acts of treason and has done great harm to many people, but he has not directly subdued an entire population. That was the done by the actions of Mr. Greenaway. Therefore, Jim wishes to place Mr. Wolff on trial for his crimes against Admiral Dreyes, Starfleet, and the Enterprise."

"But he must know that if Wolff goes to trial, both Mr. Greenaway's crimes against Zenobia and Kirk's execution of the man will surface. There is no going around that," Archer said.

Spock paused, hesitating at his next words. "I do believe that Jim has foreseen this outcome and will accept the consequences without a fight. For what happened on Zenobia, Jim feels a sense of guilt and believes that he also needs to be penalized for his involvement. I find it illogical, but Jim cannot be swayed otherwise."

Komack nodded. "For once, I'm in agreement with Kirk. He needs to be punished for his involvement."

Finally, like a gunshot through glass, Pike snapped. "We all know you have a grudge against Jim, James. But are you really going to ruin a man's reputation because of your damaged ego?! Are you truly that petty?!"

"You can't say that Kirk doesn't pose a threat on his own!" Komack retorted back heatedly. "With how fast he rose to Captaincy, there was bound to be a Wolff. There will always be a Wolff as long as there is a Kirk. Can Starfleet afford that?"

Archer frowned. "But can Starfleet afford to not have a James T. Kirk? That man has accomplished more than any other Captain in the history of Starfleet, and that's only talking about what's on the books. The things that he has done under Section 31…there wouldn't be a Starfleet or a peaceful universe without him."

"I do, unfortunately, agree with Komack in that Kirk does pose a threat to our authority. With each success, people are starting to follow Kirk, not Starfleet. That is a danger in itself," Chandra commented. "If Kirk isn't handled properly, it will easily give birth to another Wolff, or worse, another Nero."

"Furthermore, Kirk has proven that he will go off the reservation and against our orders," added Barnett.

"Only if he is pushed to," argued Pike.

"He wasn't pushed to kill Greenaway!" retorted Komack. "He did it because he believed that Starfleet would fail, and using that thought, he justified his actions. He needs to be held accountable! Otherwise, the rest of the universe will think that Starfleet has no power over its substituents."

"I think we have heard enough," Lui said quietly before it became a shouting match between Pike and Komack. "From both sides of the matter. James T. Kirk, while a powerful tool for Starfleet, may easily be a double-edged sword. At this juncture, I do believe this merits more thought. Commander Spock, if you excuse us for a few moments. We need to deliberate amongst ourselves."

Spock gave a curt nod and watched as Admiral Lui cut the feed. He waited patiently where he stood for them to call back. The clock ticked by and a half an hour turned into an hour, and then another hour, but Spock didn't budge. Right now, while Jim was recovering under the capable hands of Doctor McCoy, this was the only thing Spock could do for him. It wasn't much and Spock knew that he didn't have enough power and authority to protect Jim, but he could watch over him. As Jim's guard dog that everyone seemed to call him now. It was a moniker that Spock took pride in. And he would live up to the name if it was the last thing that he did.

At exactly two hours and thirty-eight minutes later, the Admirals had called back. Based on the redness of Komack's and Barnett's faces as well as the mess of papers on the table, it looked like they had called on the tail end of the aftermath of near belligerent arguments between the two factions.

But the Admirals were resettled in their chairs and were all sat up straight with matching hard looks upon their faces. Spock found the frown on Chris' face particularly unsettlingly and he felt a touch of cold, hard fear for Jim curl in his stomach.

"We are decided," Lui said, her tone and affect monotone.

Her next words decided the fate of James T. Kirk.

The world was foggy and dark, like what one would see in a horror movie. It was infinitively expansive; the darkness and the fog going on forever with no end.

It was so utterly empty. Until suddenly, it wasn't.

Out of the blue, there was a flash and the universe turned. With barely any time to let out a gasp of surprise, Jim found himself standing next to a giant chessboard. He was on the edge of the table, miniscule behind the row of black chess pieces. The opposing side seemed so far away from where Jim was, but he could still make out the figures of his crew, his family, dressed in their Starfleet uniforms. Instead of the usual array of red, gold, and blue, they were all in white.

Spock, the ever so logical Commander to Jim's insanity, was placed as the bishop, ready to jump past the black's defenses. Uhura was the other bishop, mirroring the Vulcan's movement. Bones was hidden behind Spock – the rook that took his place defending both the bishops so that they could make their move. Standing in the corner, still waiting to make his move, was Scotty as the second rook. A couple of rows ahead was Sulu, moving within the confines of his L-shaped territory. And then there was Chekov. Brave, brilliant Chekov who was moving so aggressively as the queen, boldly defending a single white pawn towards the black side. To rescue him, he realized. Because Jim had fallen off the board, captured by the enemy lines, and they had to do a pawn exchange for him.

Jim looked down at himself. His white uniform was tinging black, dirtied by his tumble down while mucking around with the dark side. But he was still white, nonetheless, which was baffling in of itself.

He wondered what piece he had been. He had always thought that he was a pawn, but the desperation of his crew made him feel like he was something else. Oddly, he wanted to know where he belonged on this board. Where he stood with his crew.

An arm shot out of the darkness and grabbed his arm as he took a step forward. He turned to see a faceless figure looming over him, shoving him harshly to the ground where the color of his uniform mixed with the dirt. Fear iced Jim's veins and he couldn't even breathe. He was completely overwhelmed, unable to move forward with its long, spindly fingers shackling him down.

He opened his mouth to shout, but nothing came out. In terror, Jim jerked away. When he did, he saw another white piece lying on its side beside him. It was Thea, her eyes closed in an eternal slumber, her beautiful ivory dress in serene, frozen waves around her.

Something loud shattered in Jim's ears.

It took a second to realize that that it was him.

Jim woke up suddenly, the remnants of his nightmare chased away by his shadows. All that was left was the sense of overwhelming fear and grief and confusion of what his mind had tormented him with.

As the last tendrils of his dream escaped, he realized that he was somewhere very familiar. How long had it been since he was last in his room on the Enterprise? It felt like a lifetime ago. But he was comfortable – a sensation that he had nearly forgotten in the last month.

He was swathed in his comforter, completely tucked into his bed, which still smelled clean, despite being unused since he had left. Or at least that was what he thought, judging by the musky scent of a layer of dust in the air. No doubt his crew had refused to let anyone utilize his quarters, but only Spock and Bones had the code to enter. One of the two had to have made sure that his linens were kept pristine for his return.

The thought nearly made him tear up. What had he done to deserve such friends? They never lost faith that Jim would come back when even he didn't know. And even then, they would probably cross the entire length of the universe to make sure that Jim came back.

"You awake there, Jimbo?" came Bones' voice.

Jim turned to look at Bones who was sitting next to him. The older man cracked a smile at seeing those baby blues.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

It took a moment for Jim to gather himself to respond. "Tired…" he croaked. "Sore still, but better than before."

"Your chest still aching?"

Jim nodded, his hand subconsciously coming up to rest on top of his heart, as he sat up, easing himself on his pillows. He could feel the starchy bandages under his fingers.

"Sorry. It's taking a while to heal. But it's starting to. Don't scratch at it," Bones chided, gently moving Jim's hand away. "Anything else that I need to be concerned about?"

At that, Jim glanced around the room, eyes searching for Thea, but coming up empty. After their last talk, Jim didn't think she was going to show up. If he had to be truly honest with himself, he wasn't sure if he wanted to see her. At least not right now. Not when his mind was in chaos.

"Jim?" Bones questioned after Jim's moment of silence.

Jim's attention fell back onto Bones and the weary lines on his best friend's face. His first instinct was to lie, but he remembered how warm he felt when Bones' arms held him together. He remembered the relief when Bones carried him when he couldn't stand anymore.

It was mortifying and horrifying, but somehow, also alleviating.

Jim owed it to himself to give himself a chance. That was what everyone was saying, right? If only so that he didn't turn back into what he was after Tarsus.

So he took a deep breath and told the truth, forcing it out because he wouldn't have been able to otherwise. "I've been hallucinating," Jim blurted out. "Well, not so much hallucinating as seeing a person who isn't actually here. Apparently, it's complicated."

To Bones' credit, he didn't look surprised, afraid, or concerned. It was like Jim had just made an innocuous comment about the weather instead of confessing that he may be losing his mind.

"Who are you seeing?" Bones asked simply.

He didn't question if Jim was actually seeing hallucinations and he didn't try to convince Jim otherwise. He didn't try to diagnose and see what was the cause of these 'hallucinations' nor try to shove Jim in a strait jacket or immediately call a psych consult. He believed Jim. More importantly, he believed in Jim to know that he wasn't going crazy. Easily and purely. Like breathing.

Jim loved him fiercely for it all. At the same time, he shouldn't have put it past Bones to know that he was seeing things, because Bones has specifically asked "who" and not "what".

"Thea. I keep seeing her. She follows me around and talks to me."

"What does she say?"

"She says that she wants to save me. That it's not my fault and that I should stop blaming myself."

Bones nodded in understanding. "Is she here right now?"

Jim shook his head. "We had a disagreement. I think she's giving me space."

"What did you argue about?"

"She said she was already dying before I even got to Zenobia. That my actions saved her. I still don't see it. Everything ends when you're dead. There's nothing after that."

Bones flinched slightly when Jim sounded so cavalier about death – Jim's definitely still on the forefront of his mind. But when he spoke, there was only curiosity in his voice. "Why was it so important to you to save her? Why her specifically? Because as distraught you are about the deaths of everyone else, it's Thea's that's eating you up."

"Because no one was there to save me!" It burst out of Jim before he even realized it. Immediately after though, it was like there was nothing left. Jim's shoulders sagged. "Because the tragedy of Tarsus should never be repeated. There should never be another J.T., Bones. I wanted to save her. More than anyone else. And I still failed. What does that say about me?"

"That you're human. And a better man that you think you are. You think that if someone had been there for you, then maybe, you could be saved. But you were able to save your kids and yourself, whether or you believe it or not. Because if you didn't, I don't think I would've been able to meet you. Hell, the universe would've burned without you."

"Like you care if the universe burned."

"I don't. But you are literally one of two best things that has ever happened to me – the other being my daughter. And I'm not giving that up without a fight. I'm not giving you up without a fight."

"So what do I do now, Bones? I can't forgive myself for failing Thea. I can't stop thinking that everything that happened to Zenobia, to my crew, to you guys, is my fault. Wolff would never have come after me if I hadn't been, well, me. Being in the spotlight means that the bullseye will always be on me. Which means that anyone who is near me is going to get hurt. I can't do that. I can't risk it."

"Well, someone has a huge ego," snorted Bones.

More shocked than anything else, Jim just stared at Bones. "What?"

"Sure, you're the youngest and brightest Captain Starfleet has ever seen. But you know as well as I do that the rest of us do pretty damn good too. What makes you think you're better than us?"

Jim blinked. "What?" he repeated dumbly.

"I'm just saying, maybe you give yourself too much credit. Would you even be so famous if the rest of us didn't do our jobs?"

"Hey now…"

"Or did you think that we wouldn't notice that you lapped up the fame and glory in an effort to subvert the attention from us? So that only you would have that stupid bullseye when shit hit the fan. Which is why your head is the only one on the chopping block right now. We're geniuses of our merits, Jim. Unlike you, you ingenious idiot. So whatever fear you have about losing us is completely unfounded. We can handle ourselves."

"You can't guarantee that nothing will happen to you all. Life doesn't work out that way."

"I can't. But I can guarantee that you'll run yourself into the ground if you try to protect us all the time. Have a little faith in us, Jim. I'm not telling you that we don't need you. Sure, we can get on our own. Zenobia is proof of that. Spock, Chekov, Uhura, Scotty, and Sulu have single-handedly begun the first steps to rebuild their government and homes. But before you get all self-deprecating, it's just not the same without you. We're all miserable without you."

There was only confusion on Jim's face.

"Let me break it down for you: we could be fine on our own, but we don't want to. We need you. So you better buck up, because none of us are going to be letting you go anytime soon."

"You said all this last night."

"Yes. But you're finally listening now." Bones leaned back in his chair, smugness emitting from him.

Jim eyed him suspiciously. "You look like you have a plan."

"What? You think you're the only one that has them?"

"Am I privy to this plan?"

"Sure. We're just going to make sure that you know how much you mean to us, and if you pull this stupid lone wolf shit again for our sakes, you can bet your ass that we'll come after you and smack you upside the head."

At that, Jim froze, understanding that that meant that his friends were going to be around more. Which meant questions. And he definitely wasn't ready for that yet. "I don't want to talk, Bones."

"Who said you had to? You do whatever the hell you want. You're a grown ass man."

Jim had to pause, thoroughly confused at Bones' actions and words. "This…was not what I was expecting from you."

"Yeah? Well, my old tactics didn't seem to be working, so I'm trying something new."

"How's it working out for you?"

"I'll let you know. Now scoot over," Bones said, standing up and making a shooing movement with his hands.

"What?" Jim spluttered out, but he obliged anyway. Like he would ever deny Bones anything.

It took some time. Jim's aching muscles weren't as cooperative as he though they would be. Bones was more than patient though. He waited until there was enough room before he slipped into bed with Jim, tugging Jim down and covering the two of them with the blanket, making sure that Jim was tucked in before settling in himself and closing his eyes.

Jim stared. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm getting ready to sleep. So shush, you infant."

Despite himself, Jim snuggled in a bit closer to Bones, feeling comforted by Bones' presence alone.

Silence fell between the two. Bones' breathing slowly evened out. Almost ten minutes later, Jim found the courage to ask one more question. "It's not that easy, Bones," he whispered so quietly that he didn't think Bones heard him. "I don't know what to do."

Bones didn't move, but he opened his eyes. "I know," he sighed softly. "It's not going to be all peachy keen overnight. Baby steps, Jim."

"To what though?"

"To forgiving yourself."

Jim pondered it. "When will that happen?"

"One day. It won't be tomorrow or even the next day, but one day, you'll wake up and you'll just know."

Well, Jim thought as he closed his eyes, one could only hope.

In the morning, or at least that was when Jim thought it was, he was awoken by three, sharp knocks on the door. Still slightly clouded by sleep, all Jim was really aware of was that he felt the incessant need to protect. He wasn't sure why – maybe from a lingering dream or because he was vaguely conscious of a warm body next to him (and there wouldn't be one so close when he was injured unless Jim truly implicitly trusted that person). But as wounded as he was, he couldn't do much except tense and bite back a groan as his body, especially his chest, flared in red hot pain.

He felt a hand patting him comfortingly on his chest and a low murmur of a voice. "Calm down, Jim. You're okay. You're okay…"

Jim turned his head to see Bones who was not quite awake yet either and rubbing Jim's chest, carefully avoiding his injury, as he spoke. Instantly, Jim felt his heart rate slow and his body relaxed incrementally again.

Once Bones felt Jim settle down, he yawned and stretched, shifting to get off the bed. In absolutely no hurry, he first made sure that Jim was comfortable before he answered the door, annoyance fully waking him up now.

"This better be good," Bones growled as soon as the door was fully open.

Spock stood before Bones, his arms clasped behind his back as was his usual pose, but there was a tightness, yet weariness in his shoulders.

"Oh shit…" Bones muttered before stepping aside to let Spock pass, but Spock didn't move, keeping his voice low so that Jim couldn't hear them.

"It is not as dire as you may think, Doctor," Spock said quietly, "But it is something that Jim must know."

"Now? He's still recovering."

"Yes, which is why he needs to know now."

"Shit…that bad?"

"It may come as a reprieve, Doctor. For Jim, the unknown is more frightening than anything." And, it would give Jim more time to recover mentally, if need be, but Spock didn't want to say it out loud. He was sure the doctor would understand.

Sighing, Bones stepped aside completely, "Lights, fifty percent," he commanded as he turned to look at his best friend more fully in the light.

Jim had pulled himself up a bit, leaning awkwardly and yet heavily on his pillows. He looked completely ragged, his hair in sleep-tousled tuffs that stuck around everywhere. He blinked slowly, still trying to shake the sluggishness out of his system. There were dark circles under Jim's eyes, which also seemed like a darker blue than usual. Exhaustion hung on his frame, making him seem so utterly fragile.

Bones almost hesitated letting Spock talk to Jim, but Jim, as usual, beat him to the punch.

"Hey, Spock," Jim rasped out. "By the look on your face, you just came from the Admirals, didn't you?"

Spock straightened and he grasped his arms behind his back. "Yes." There was almost an apologetic tinge to his words.

But Jim just gave him a small, sad smile. "Just tell it to me straight, Spock. Rip it off like a bandaid. What did the Admirals decide to do with me?"

"You have been found guilty of executing Governor Greenaway, violating the Federation's peace charters. Furthermore, while the Enterprise is docked in Zenobia, you are to be confined onboard until we return to Earth."

Spock ignored Bones' sharp intake of breath beside him, instead focusing his attention on Jim. Jim, whose expression never changed. He had resigned himself already, as Spock had thought. Not for the first time, Spock was truly grateful that so many people stood up for Jim because the man simply wouldn't for himself.

"However," Spock continued, "In light of all of your commendations, achievements, and success for Starfleet as the Captain of the flagship, the Admiralty has decided that you are to be suspended without pay for six months."

"He's grounded?" asked Bones, surprise and relief in his voice.

Spock nodded. "Yes. After the six months of suspension, you may return to your post as Captain of the Enterprise, if you so choose."

Jim's eyes narrowed. "What's the catch? I can't have gotten off that easily. Komack and Barnett have to be worried about the reputation that I've put up."

It didn't come to surprise Spock that Jim knew exactly what was a concern to each Admiral. "You are to be placed on probation for two years. The Admirals will be keeping a close eye on all of your actions, as well as the crew."

"Let me guess, one toe out of line and I'm to give up my command?"

"As well as be dismissed from Starfleet."

"Discharge?!" exclaimed Bones. "He's going to be kicked out of Starfleet?!"

"If Jim does not abide closely to his orders for the duration of his probation. However, I do not believe that should be an issue. The crew, once made aware of this, will be of great assistance in this matter."

"The Admirals know how crazy our mission gets, right? Jim may go against the rules, but he gets results. More importantly, he saves lives. Sometimes, he has to. And they're going to punish him for that?"

"The concern is that by showing favoritism to Jim, it weakens Starfleet's authority."

"It's not favoritism! It's supporting one of their best damn Captains the universe has ever seen."

"Yes, but according to Admirals Komack, Barnett, and Chandra, Jim's reputation may supersede loyalty to Starfleet," Spock said. "Admirals Pike, Archer, and Lui as well as myself have advocated for Jim."

"Only half of the Admiralty is aligning with Jim? Damn it. Fucking Komack. I knew he was out to get Jim. We all know that Jim is being somewhat protected by Starfleet because can't risk having their golden boy make them look bad. The moment Starfleet lets go of him, that's the moment they'll send Section 31 after him."

In lieu of responding, Spock just tilted his head, watching Jim who was oddly silent through his conversation with McCoy. Jim didn't look aggravated or even concerned. He wasn't even looking in their general direction. But there was a contemplative expression on his face as he gazed at something to the far corner of the room to his left.

Something about how he was acting was unsettling and worrisome. It almost felt like Jim was drifting away to somewhere far, somewhere where they couldn't reach him.

With slight fear curling in his stomach, Spock called out to Jim gently, trying to pull him back. "Jim? What are your thoughts on the matter?"

"Hmm?" hummed Jim as he slowly turned his head back to make eye contact with Spock.

Jim's eyes were wide and innocent, but there was something hidden deep, deep within those blues, making him completely unreadable. It was absolutely disconcerting.

"Did you hear anything we spoke of, Jim?" Spock pressed.

"Yeah, I did," Jim responded, nonchalantly.

Bones frowned at Jim's obvious inattention. His medical training kicked in. "You okay? Feeling dizzy or something?"

"No, I'm okay."

Both Spock and McCoy just quirked their eyebrows and frowned at Jim.

Jim chose to ignore their burning, unspoken questions, though not out of his usual need to withhold information. It was simply because Jim had to figure out the answers on his own first. "What's going to happen to Wolff?"

"Upon return to Earth, Mr. Wolff will be put on an open trial for his murder of Admiral Dreyes, conspiracy and treason against Starfleet, and attempted murder of a Starfleet Captain. I do believe that he will be sentenced for consecutive life sentences for his crimes." Spock let the words sink in before reinforcing the crux of the matter. "He will pay, Jim. He will face justice for what he has done to the Enterprise and, by extension, Zenobia. And to Thea as well."

For the first time since Jim stood before the Admiralty, he let out a breath of relief. Closing his eyes, he let himself relax against the pillows. "That's good."

"What about yourself, Jim?" Bones nudged.

Opening his eyes, Jim focused his attention at the ceiling. "It could've been worse. It could've been much, much worse. But even so, I don't have an answer for you. Ask me tomorrow."

Nodding, Spock took a step closer to Jim. "I understand that you may require time and are currently recuperating, but if you are not adverse to it, perhaps I may stop by tomorrow to play a game of chess? If you are feeling up to it, of course, but it has been a while."

"I may not be a very good opponent at the moment, Spock," Jim replied.

"Nor will I. Nonetheless, I do believe it will still be enjoyable. As illogical as it is, I seemed to have missed our games."

At that, Jim gave Spock a small smile. "Then sure, Spock. A game tomorrow sounds nice."

"I am looking forward to it." He made to leave, but hesitated at the last second and turned to face Jim directly. "Jim, I am sorry I could not do more. That I could not be at your side. I am your First Officer, but before that, I am your friend. I should have been there for you. More than anything, I am sorry that I could not prevent you from going through this turmoil."

Jim opened his mouth to reply, completely not sure what he was going to say, but Spock raised a hand to silence him. "There is no need for a response, Jim. I merely wanted to let you know how much I truly regret not being able to be by your side. But I assure you, this will not happen again. For however long you want me near, I will be here. Always, Jim."

The words slipped out before Jim could rein them back in. "But why? After getting you all wrapped up in this mess, why would you still stick your neck out for me? You could lose everything, Spock. Everything."

"My path to becoming the First Officer of the Enterprise has been a difficult one, yes, and I cannot imagine myself on a different path now. After all, I have come to meet you and have had the great privilege of becoming friends with you. Despite our turbulent beginnings, you have come to be one of my dearest friends. One whom I cannot fathom living without. I will not deny that continuing to be by your side may bring more struggles or result in my dismissal from Starfleet, but as my counterpart as said to me once before: I must do what feels right. Staying on the Enterprise feels right, but the Enterprise is not herself without her Captain. I do not align myself with Starfleet. I align myself with you, Jim. The rest of the crew feels the same."

There was a lump in Jim's throat and his eyes started to prickle with a burning sensation, but he wouldn't give in. He couldn't let them all throw themselves on the grenade when only he had to. "You all realize that that is the reason why Starfleet views me as a threat. If you guys continue down this road, you'll all be brought down with me."

"We fully understand this."

"You know I can't let you do that. I'd rather resign first before I let any of you fall with me."

"Unfortunately, Jim, I do not believe you will have any choice in the matter. You are not a martyr, not in our eyes. You will never be. Not again."

"Not if we have anything to say about it," Bones added strongly, standing right beside Spock. The two were unmoving and unwavering, shielding Jim from any dangers like a steel wall.

Tears welled up, forcing Jim to look down so as to hide his vulnerability. "What the hell did I ever do to deserve friends like you? I can't figure it out."

Bones smiled at Jim. "Because you're a good man, Jim. You're just the only one who hasn't figured that out yet."

Jim surreptitiously swiped at his eyes before he could pluck up the courage to look at his two of his closest friends. His fingers nervously played with the edge of his blanket, but still, he cleared his throat and let the steel walls around his heart start to crack. "So, what do I do now?" he asked again.

"Now? Like I said yesterday, we take this one step at a time. One day at a time."

"What about the Admirals?"

"Do not worry about Starfleet or the Admirals," Spock reassured. "We have, as you would say, your back. The Enterprise cannot be who she is without you as her Captain, Jim. So we will wait for you for however long it takes for you to come back to us. And if you choose not to return, well…"

"We'll come after you," Bones finished. "You're stuck with us, whether you like it or not, Jim. Sorry, but not really."

Jim let out a short, wet laugh. "I guess I'm stuck with your ugly mugs then, aren't I?"

"Forever," agreed Bones.

Really, there wasn't much else Jim could say. Something in his chest was still constricted and his stomach had knots, but the warmth was slowly melting the ice. It was dispelling the coldness that he felt deep within his soul. It was an odd sensation, one that Jim was not familiar with, but it wasn't an unwanted one.

Jim nodded once with a slight tilt of his head, acceptance in his movements. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow for chess then, Spock."

Spock allowed himself an upward quirk of his lips. Point to him. "Prepare yourself for a devastating loss, Jim."

At that, Jim finally smiled. "We shall see, Spock. We shall see."

And truly, indeed they would.

Over the next few weeks while the Enterprise remained docked on Zenobia, the crew continued to help the villagers rebuild their homes, land, infrastructure, and more importantly, their lives. Throughout it all, Jim rarely left his quarters due to his orders from the Admiralty and for the sake of his recuperation.

Returning from the dead and Wolff's attack had left residual damage to his body, but he was healing. The fatal wound on his chest had finally started to close, though on bad days, a pink hue could be seen through whatever shirt Jim was wearing. Still, he was getting better, albeit slowly.

The crew never failed to send Jim wishes for a speedy recovery through the Command crew, constantly leaving flowers or little tidbits at his door. Bones would bring them in for Jim, displaying it all proudly in the corner of his room. The sight of it never failed to make him curl with warmth. He was also grateful that none of them had tried to see him while he was bedridden. He wasn't sure what Spock or the others told them or if they simply weren't allowed to visit him because of his suspension, but he knew that the crew only wanted what was best for him, as did his friends.

Despite his forced confinement to his quarters, he was hardly ever alone. In between their duties, each and every single one of his Command crew would come to visit him. Spock would come bearing a chessboard under arms and they would play until Spock had to leave or Jim had fallen asleep. Other times, Spock would coax Jim into mediating with him until Jim felt more centered and grounded. It was something Jim desperately needed, especially since he was haunted by nightmares almost every night.

Sulu had a different tactic. He spent every moment of his time with Jim trying to make him crack or a smile or outright laugh. It was stilted at first, on Jim's end, but after Sulu started to bring a plethora of B-rated movies from the 21st century, Jim couldn't help himself and would cackle with Sulu at the silliness and the absolutely awful acting. Often, Chekov would join in and the three of them would have the grandest time mocking the movies.

When Chekov came alone, he was often armed with nothing but a deck of cards, demanding Jim to teach him tricks so that when Sulu and Scotty came to play, Chekov and Jim could wipe them all under the table. Having to do something that Jim was intimately good at was therapeutic and he had fun seeing Chekov go from struggling to being almost as good as he was. Oddly, it was something that Bones actually endorsed. The doctor had stated that the shuffling of cards and the subsequent cheating that Jim would do was a form of physical therapy to get the dexterity back into Jim's fingers, but Jim had a feeling that Bones enjoyed watching a grown man like Scotty whine and cry when he was completely cleaned out.

And despite how many times Scotty lost, he always came back. Like clockwork, he would show up at every lunch. His company came with an unending litany of what was going on with the ship, the crew, and their work down on Zenobia. It was the only time that Jim ever heard about updates about everything outside of his room. He wasn't sure why Scotty was the designated one to tell him these things, but he suspected that it was because Scotty never seemed to stop talking so it never felt weird or tense when he spoke. Not to mention that Scotty just honestly had such a different perspective on the world around him that his stories were made to be more amusing than anything else.

Uhura, on the other hand, went for a quieter approach. As if she knew that the garrulous natures of Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty were enough for Jim for the day. So when she stopped by, she would simply toss a book in Jim's general direction, plop down on the bed next to him, and spend the next couple of hours sitting or lying down in silence as they both read. Sometimes, the words would blur for Jim because of a headache, tiredness, or his inability to focus on anything before him on particularly rough days, but even so, Uhura never failed to stay right next to him. The rustling of pages turning was soothing in of itself and often, Jim found himself falling asleep after a while, no matter how on edge he was that day.

Bones – the ever loyal Bones – never really left Jim's side unless duty called. But even then, Bones wouldn't leave until one of the others were with Jim first. He always ate every meal with Jim, just to make sure that Jim was eating and eating something healthy. He also sometimes joined in with whatever Jim was doing.

Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty quickly discovered that Chekov wasn't the first one that Jim had taught his skills with cards to. Bones was a menace on his own, rivaling Jim. The expressions on their faces the first time that Bones had annihilated them were so hilarious that Jim couldn't stop laughing for a good minute or two. And because of that, he had completely missed the smugness on Bones' face and the happiness on Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty's.

But it was clear that Bones enjoyed reading with Uhura and Jim more than he liked playing cards. It reminded both Jim and Bones of their Academy days when they would study next to each other. It was more comforting than Jim would ever admit out loud.

Jim found it amusing that Bones could never really stick around for his mediation sessions with Spock. Bones, apparently, had no patience for sitting cross-legged and deep breathing, and would instead, go find something to do in the Sickbay so he wouldn't disturb them.

Sometimes, especially near the beginning of Jim's confinement, Bones would walk in and take one look at Jim's face and know that Jim needed some space. He would leave immediately and make sure that no one bothered Jim for a bit, but he always came back within an hour or two, giving Jim enough time and yet not enough to spiral down. Then, he'd spend the rest of night just talking, reading out loud from a book, or whatever else that helped distract Jim, because Jim sure as hell wasn't going to sleep when he knew that all he would see was blood and ruin in his dreams.

Those nightmares came frequently and with a vengeance. Most of the time, it was about Tarsus and Thea. Others, it was Jim feeling so very alone in an empty and dark graveyard. Sometimes, Jim wouldn't even remember what he was dreaming about, waking up to a desperate feeling that he was chasing something or running away in sheer terror.

Usually, Bones would wake him before the nightmares consumed him or calm him when he woke up in cold sweat and panting heavily as he shook the fear away. Occasionally, when Bones wasn't around or if Bones couldn't wake him, Spock would come to the rescue. When Jim broadcasted like that, Spock would hear his distress from across their shared bathroom, and would soothe the dream away by placing a hand on Jim and sending a wave of comfort and peace through their connection.

Jim was never alone, and somehow, he liked it despite his reservations and overwhelming guilt.

But there was still something missing still. Through this entire time, Thea didn't show up again. Neither did Liam.

Jim was told that Liam was getting reacquainted with Jill and Stan, his parents' best friends and soon-to-be adoptive parents, and couldn't visit him. But Jim figured that Liam stayed away for Jim's sake and sanity. Because Jim couldn't look at Liam without guilt eating him up still, and Liam wanted to prove that he was going to be alright before he stood in front of Jim again.

Didn't mean that Jim didn't keep tabs on Liam and the rest of the kids that were now doing well too. Chekov made sure that he kept Jim updated on them when he asked.

Jim found himself constantly questioning what he ever did to deserve his friends, his family. God, he loved them so fiercely for everything, to the point where Jim almost cried at the thought of it all. Yet, even with their care and affection, Jim still ached. His broken soul pained him every time his heart beat. The mirror was cracked. Nothing could ever fix that, but piece by piece, Bones, Spock, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and Uhura helped him put each one back into place, super-gluing each jagged edge so well that it couldn't break apart again.

Like Bones had said, Jim took it one day at a time, hoping that he would feel different in the morning.

It wasn't until weeks later, a couple of days before the Enterprise was due to return to Earth, that when Jim woke up, he knew, deep in his soul, that it was time.

For the first time since the Admiralty made their decree, Jim escaped his room. He didn't tell anyone when he did, because he needed to be on his own. To prove to himself that he could stand on his two feet.

It was almost a shock when Jim beamed down from the Enterprise, feeling the sun lightly touching his skin and wind caressing his face. The sounds of the birds and insects of the woods around him were a loud chaotic symphony. His heart was pounding in his chest when his mind finally grasped the idea that he was all alone where he stood in the small clearing of grass. Terrifyingly and amazingly, Jim didn't shatter into pieces in that moment.

So he took a deep breath, steadied himself. And took a step forward.

To be continued...

So, I officially graduated yesterday from my program! Got a doctorate under my belt now. Whoo! Also, totally not ready to be an adult. But to celebrate, I'm posting this up! I expect another chapter, possibly two, until this story is completed. Thank you all for being so supportive throughout the ups and downs of me writing. Thank you all for your well wishes for my mother and thank you for being so amazing about the whole thing. Seriously, thank you guys. Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for all my readers.

I will be going to New Zealand for vacation starting on Saturday. I'm hopefully going to finish writing the next chapter while on the plane there and hopefully I can post while there. No guarantees though - as you can see from my track record of posting things at reasonable time - but I will try!

Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, please review!

Cheers,

Yuna