Chapter 18

Until Next Time

"This is absolutely ridiculous," Jim panted as he leaned heavily against the bark of a tree. He turned to look back at where he had come down from. It was barely a mile through the thicket of leafy greens. Jesus. He used to be able to run a mile in five minutes or so, but now? He was sweating through his shirt and his heart was pounding so hard that he was almost sure that the palpitations were going to break his stitches.

Taking another deep breath and forcibly ignoring the aching of his atrophied muscles and still healing injuries, Jim pushed himself off the trunk and keep going, stumbling through.

It took much longer than he had expected or wanted, but he still made it without anything bleeding out of his orifices. Or at least he hoped. His body was so exhausted he barely felt it anymore. Sighing, he plopped down on the grass, not even caring if he looked silly doing so.

When he looked up, he saw three gravestones placed neatly before him. On top of the third one, the one that Jim was sitting directly across from, was Thea's transparent figure. She was leaning on the headstone with her elbows, floating slightly above it. She grinned at Jim in amusement, clearly have seen Jim's ungraceful flop to the ground.

"Don't judge me," Jim felt the need to say, "Dying does a lot to a man."

Thea's smile just got wider. "So I see."

Jim rolled his eyes at her. "It's been awhile, and that's the first thing you say?"

"Well, you didn't seem to want to see me after our last conversation," she said. "So I kept my distance."

"And now?"

"You came to find me, didn't you?" Thea replied, moving so that she came in front of Jim. She settled down a few inches away from Jim with that smile still on her face.

"That I did," Jim admitted. He paused for a second. "I missed you."

"I know." She wiggled a bit in place. "How are you?"

"Better," Jim answered honestly, "My friends are overbearing, overprotective, and I never really get a moment of peace, but it's good. It's…relieving. They don't ask me any questions, don't try to see if I'm okay or not. They're just…there. They're great. I don't know what I did to deserve them."

"Because you would do the same for them. You've done the same for them."

"I know."

She raised her eyebrow at him, a glint in her eyes.

"Well, I know now," Jim amended. "What have you been doing these last few weeks?"

"Helping the land grow again. Keeping an eye on the children," she answered, waving the question away easily. "You're deflecting, Jim. How are you really doing?"

"Didn't I just tell you? I'm doing better."

"But…?" Thea prompted.

Jim sighed, pulling his legs closer to himself in an attempt to make himself seem smaller. "It's still hard. I don't remember it being this difficult."

"What is?"

"Smiling. Getting through the day without getting crushed by guilt. I've done it before, so I don't know why I'm struggling so much now."

"You're only human, Jim. It's okay to not be okay for a bit, but sooner or later, you have to let all that go before it completely crushes you."

"That's the problem. I can't just let it go. Those people died because of me. All those lives ruined. And you want me to just be fine with that? To live my life happily when they can't? No. I don't deserve it."

"Yes, you do, and you know it. Haven't your friends proven that to you these last couple of weeks?"

"I just can't wrap my head around it. I can't stop feeling so damn guilty and broken."

"That's proof of the goodness and kindness within you and it's not necessarily a bad thing. But you take so much upon yourself and you keep beating yourself up over things that were never under your control. You have take the first step and learn to let it go."

"Is it okay for me to do that?" Jim asked with tears in his eyes. "Is it okay for me let them all go? Let you go? Do I have the right to live on without you all?"

"Yes, Jim, yes," Thea said softly, leaning down to touch her forehead to Jim's. "It's not that you're living on without us. It's not that you're able to live on because we can't. It's that you're living on for us. For the man who saved the people we love, that's all we want."

Jim looked down at his trembling hands that were lying in his aching lap. His muscles were weak, unable to support his weight for long. If he couldn't handle himself, how was he going to carry on the hopes and prayers of everyone else? Of his crew and people who counted on him? He couldn't rely on himself right now. How could he captain anyone? But if he couldn't be Captain Kirk, he couldn't live. He'd survive, sure, but he had forgotten how to live beyond being the Captain of the Enterprise.

"Jim?" questioned Thea, "What are you thinking about?"

"Just…how to do that."

It was telling how well Thea got to know Jim in the short period of time together when she didn't say anything, knowing that Jim wasn't quite done speaking. Jim wasn't quite sure how that happened. Was it because they were so similar? Or did her powers as an elemental give her wisdom beyond what she had when she was alive?

"Jim."

Wow, his focus was all over the place today. He forced himself to concentrate on Thea. "I…uh…I may lose the Enterprise."

The look of shock on Thea's face was staggering. "What? Because of what you did to Greenaway? But you've done so much."

"Yeah. I'm also a bit of a wild card. Starfleet thinks I'm a danger."

Thea crossed her arms. "I'm sure they do. But I'm also sure that that brain of yours made it seem much worse than it actually is."

"It's not just me. When Spock told me about, all I could think about was how much I was going to miss everything. My ship, my friends, the adventures…the stars…I couldn't…I just…couldn't. I know it doesn't seem like forever. Grounded for six months. Probation for the next two years, then I'm supposedly home-free. But what am I going to do in those six months? And even if I survive that, I'll never get past the probation. Because I will raise a middle finger to Starfleet's face if it means saving someone. Either or, death sentence for my career and I lose the Enterprise. It's just as bad as it sounds."

"Oh, Jim…"

"You want me to live, but I gotta tell you, I don't think I know how anymore."

Thea drifted closer to Jim, moving so that she sat right next to him. She put her head on his shoulder, reaching forward to hold one of Jim's shaking hands. "Then you just have to learn how to again."

Jim leaned into her, somehow not even surprised that he could physically touch her. He felt only solidness from her – no warmth or sensation otherwise – but it was still comforting in a way. He closed his eyes and just breathed. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You think it's possible?"

"It's you, Jim. Definitely."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Gotta give myself a chance, right?"

Thea smiled. "Right."

The two of them sat there in silence, listening to the birds chirp and the leaves rustling, letting the earth live around them. It was calming and soothing. A vast world from what was going on in Jim's mind. But Thea's presence was comforting beside him. It grounded him enough so that he could think past all the uncertainty and murkiness of his future.

Of course, Jim knew rationally that his choices on Zenobia weren't the best ones that he could have made. He could've left Greenaway alone; he could've let the Admirals know about Wolff. He could've done a lot of things differently that would've made sure that he would be untouchable by the time he turned in Wolff's testimony.

But he couldn't leave Greenaway be. Not when there was a slight possibility of him cutting a deal by testifying against Wolff and getting a lighter sentence. Or vice versa. He owed that much to the people of Zenobia and to himself. Although, if he wanted to be honest, he had to admit that some part of him completely snapped after Thea died and all he saw was red.

And while he could've told the Admirals about Wolff when he figured out his plans, he didn't know who to trust, besides Pike. Also, he was almost ninety percent sure that none of them would've believed him. Wolff's cover was too good, too solid. Wolff had had Admiral Dreyes' fooled, and that man seemed to be infallible to deception. And some part of him was still disillusioned from his time as J.T. He trusted Pike, no doubt, but the rest of them? Jim didn't want to be near them with a ten-foot pole unless he had to.

Not to mention, there had been something broken within him for a long while now. He wasn't sure if it was stress from his job, the weight of the souls that were lost under his command, the fact that he actually cared about people now and they cared back, or just a combination of it all. But he had long ago reached a breaking point. It had simply been postponed out of sheer will and keeping himself busy.

Perhaps this probation wasn't as bad as it was going to seem. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. For Jim to figure things out again. But even so, what the hell was Jim going to do? It wasn't in Jim's nature to stand idly by.

He sighed and refocused his attention back to the sounds of nature around him. Since it was so quiet between him and Thea, Jim was able to hear the footsteps approaching him. It was too light to be any of the Command crew's. Thea didn't react, which meant that she knew the person, so Jim just elected to not move.

The steps came a stop next to Jim. He didn't have to look to know who it was.

"You know that your friends are going crazy looking for you," said Liam.

Jim let out a light chuckle. "I'm sure they're more interested in how I bypassed all their upgraded security measures."

"Chekov mentioned something about that. He had this gleam in his eyes. But Doctor McCoy and Commander Spock? They're livid."

"That's how they show that they care. Don't worry about it." Jim patted the ground next to him – on the opposite side that Thea was on.

Without hesitation, Liam sat down next to Jim. "How did you find this place?"

"You told Chekov and Chekov wrote it down in one of his reports."

"He didn't tell you?"

"He would've if I asked."

"But you didn't."

"I wasn't ready."

Liam turned to look at Jim, a loaded question on his tongue, but Jim still refused to make eye contact with him.

"How are your injuries?" Liam asked instead.

"Almost completely healed. How are Stan and Jill?"

"Amazing. I think they're going to be good for me."

"That's really good to hear. I'm glad."

There was a pause before Liam finally became more serious. "I'm going to be okay, you know. I owe that much to my sister. You too."

"I know. I'm trying." The weariness in his voice was very obvious, but Liam seemed satisfied to know that Jim was trying.

Shifting a bit uncomfortably, Liam started to speak to the ground. "I'm sorry I haven't come by to see you since the observation deck," he said.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Jim returned.

"I wasn't trying to avoid you."

"I was."

Liam rolled his eyes. "You were basically imprisoned in your room, curtesy of the Admirals."

"Yes, but I could've left anytime if I wanted."

"You really could've. Your crew never would report against you."

Jim sucked in a breath, hint of smile on his face. "Yeah. They're pretty awesome."

"They really are. You weren't exaggerating when you were talking about them. The work they've done on Zenobia? It would've been impossible if it was anyone else."

"Everything getting back to normal?"

"Better than normal. I don't think we'll ever have to worry about another Greenaway brought on by fear of crops potentially failing. Mr. Sulu and Mr. Spock took care of the harvests, engineering new, invulnerable seeds for us."

"I heard about that."

"They said it was a variant of a genetically modified seed that a J.T. Kirk proposed and created about ten years ago. Any relation?"

There was burning in Jim's eyes now. He had forgotten that he had done that after he returned from Tarsus. He had been so broken and destroyed that the only thing that kept him going for the first few months was desperate need to make sure no other crops would've failed like the ones on Tarsus. It took months of research, of experiments, but when he finally created it and gave it to Starfleet, Starfleet was still in the process of sweeping their disgrace under the rug. His seeds, which could've saved those four thousand lives, were lost in the chaos.

When Jim had found out about it, Jim decided that he would never again be associated with those soul-sucking, uncaring bastards. He was too weak and broken to do anything about Starfleet at that moment, and in his anger, he had wandered the world, learning, building, and finding how much of a genius he truly was. He used every ounce of that ingenuity to help the people who were within his reach while keeping a close eye on Starfleet and their actions.

He spent so much time developing and growing his skill that within the next few years, Jim knew that he had become a threat. His learned abilities could now easily do quite a bit of damage to Starfleet if they stepped out of line again. But Starfleet did do their best to help the survivors of Tarsus, despite not giving them the justice of imprisoning or punishing Kodos and his followers. His kids, one by one, were placed in loving homes. Despite the fact that Jim was struggling to live day by day, Jim was grateful that his kids didn't have to. And then he painfully cut himself off from them, not wanting to draw attention to them when Kodos was still at large and to make sure they didn't get dragged into the darkness with him.

Slowly, slowly, the anger against Starfleet died to a glowing ember. And Jim grew strong out of necessity. Much stronger than what he was as a child and on Tarsus. So one day, he tried to prove to himself that he had overcome it all and found himself back in Riverside. He got piss-ass drunk and got into a bar fight with some Starfleet cadets, and by the next day, he found himself on a shuttle to the Academy.

It was a full circle, and wasn't that ironic?

"Jim?" questioned Liam when Jim didn't respond in a couple of minutes, lost in his own thoughts.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, that was me. I can't believe Spock and Sulu managed to find that."

"They said that an Admiral Chris Pike gave it to them."

Jim couldn't help the small smile on his face. "Of course he did," he murmured.

It was just like Chris to keep an eye on Jim, no matter what. He had probably found Jim's research when he found out who Jim was and kept a close to him, hiding it from the other Admirals who would've destroyed it because it was a reminder of Starfleet's failure and it also had the potential to render the rest of Starfleet's genetically modified crops useless.

"Jim, what are you going to do now? I heard about your suspension."

Honestly, Jim hadn't thought about it – he was too scared to. But after being reminded about his seeds, Jim suddenly found his mind already made up with an impulsive decision. "I think I'll go travel. Not like I have anything else to do anyway."

Thea nodded next to Jim, leaning into him. "I like that idea," she said, her voice soft and encouraging.

"Where are you going to go?"

"Hmm…I don't know yet. Anywhere, I guess."

The thought was somehow freeing in a way. Because Jim could go anywhere. See whatever he wanted. Find himself as Jim, which he had somehow forgotten during his time as Captain Kirk. And maybe, somewhere along the way, Jim could forgive himself. Or at least get to a place where he could breathe without feeling like his chest was crushed.

As if Thea could hear Jim's thoughts, she grinned brilliantly up at him, pleased that Jim had reached this conclusion.

Jim wasn't quite sure how to take it, though he felt some tension in his shoulders relax at her approval. He turned to look at Liam. "What are you going to do now?"

"Me? I'm going to study hard and work twice as hard. In ten years, I'm going to be the youngest ever Governor of Zenobia and I'm going to do everything that Greenaway couldn't."

Both Jim and Thea were so utterly proud of this strong teenager. To have gone through what he had, to have lost what he had, and still want to change the world around him...it was amazing. Liam was what Jim could never be, what Thea would've been. He was literally the embodiment of what Jim and Thea wanted to protect.

Despite what happened to Thea, Jim would never regret saving Liam and the other kids. Protect their futures and succeed where J.T. had not. He would forever be grateful for that.

"You're going to grow up terrifyingly," Jim said, smiling as he ruffled Liam's hair.

"You just watch! I'm going to do it."

"I have no doubts about that. There's no one else that would be more perfect for that position than you."

"Mr. Sulu and Mr. Scott have been trying to convince me to join Starfleet instead."

"Starfleet would definitely benefit having you join her ranks," agreed Jim, "But I think you'll do greater things as Governor."

Liam nodded. "Will you come back and visit us, Jim?"

Jim turned to look at the gravestones in front of him, easily reading the carved words on them. Seeing Thea's name on the last one – the one that Thea was leaning so casually on when he came here – made his heart ache still, but it wasn't as sharp as it was before.

He turned to see Thea staring expectantly at him.

"Yeah, I'll come back."

Liam smiled and stood, dusting his pants off before offering a hand to Jim. "We should go back. Your friends must be very worried for you."

Jim took Liam's hand and stood on his own two feet. "Lead the way, Liam."

Liam easily took charge and Jim started to follow, pausing at the last second. He turned back to the gravestones and saw Thea standing in front of hers. She was still smiling.

"One day, I'll come back. When I can properly stand before you as the man you wanted me to be. But for now, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance."

Thea grinned. "You're welcome, Jim."

Jim finally returned the smile. "I guess I'll see you later, Thea."

"Till next time, Jim."

As expected, Jim was immediately accosted when he beamed back up to the Enterprise. Bones had a tricorder running over him the second his molecules solidified and he was scolded by Uhura and Sulu at the same time. Scotty, Chekov, and Spock were teaming up silently in the corner by the controls, arms crossed across their chests.

At the sight of them all, Liam cowered behind Jim, who gently shook off Bones and stepped of the transporter pad.

"I'm okay, guys, give me some space," Jim assured fondly.

"Where the hell did you go?" demanded Bones. "What did I tell you about bed rest? You're still healing!"

"I'm not bleeding anywhere, Bones."

"If you were going somewhere, you should have at least told one of us!" Sulu added. "I'm pretty sure we rounded everyone up, but there could still be Greenaway or Wolff sympathizers out there. It's not safe for you to be on your own."

"You're already on thin ice with the Admirals too," hissed Uhura.

Jim rolled his eyes at that. "Like any of you were going to tell the Admirals that I left."

"We weren't, but you still worried us, you jerk!"

"Sorry," Jim responded sheepishly, ducking his head slightly to hide the warmth curling in his stomach.

To think that two weeks ago, he lashed out at any sign of people caring about him, too consumed by his own weakness and vulnerability. Now? He was back to before the hell that was Zenobia – when he felt human. No, when he was human. Turned back into being someone who had a heart, a soul, because of his friends. Because of how much they loved about him. It made him Jim. Not just someone with the title of Captain or the survivor of a tragedy. Just. Jim.

But, even so, he still had a long way to go. His friends could only take him so far.

"Do we even want to know what you were doing down there?" Bones asked.

Jim shared a meaningful look with Liam, which the rest of them did not miss. "Let's just say that I had some unfinished business."

"Did you finish it?" Chekov questioned, concern in his eyes.

Jim took a deep breath and flashed Chekov a small smile – a feat that was near impossible in what felt like a lifetime ago. "I'll let you know."

Knowing full well what he was alluding to, Bones just clamped a hand on Jim's shoulder. "Alright, he's back, he's in one piece. I'm going to take him to Sickbay to make sure that he still has a clean bill of health. The rest of you, don't you have things to do? Aren't we leaving in like two days?"

Spock nodded, "Yes. I will check in later. Jim, please do not leave without notifying anyone else again."

"Seriously, our hearts cannot take it. And then we all have to be subjected to Doctor McCoy, and you don't want that for us, do you?" pleaded Sulu.

"Hey!" protested McCoy.

Jim just chuckled. "No, I wouldn't want that. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

It was obvious they were barely satisfied with Jim's answers, but with a hard glare from McCoy, they all dispersed to their respective duties. Liam waved a quick goodbye before trailing after Chekov.

Bones didn't even wait for everyone to be gone. The next second, Bones had a firm grasp on his arm and led him towards the Sickbay, silent the whole way until he finally had Jim settled down on a biobed. He wouldn't make eye contact with Jim, making him feel extremely uneasy.

"Bones? I'm sorry for leaving without telling you," Jim tried over the hum of the tricorder. "Really."

There must've been something in Jim's voice that truly conveyed how apologetic he was and also how much he couldn't handle Bones being upset with him in one go. With herculean effort, Bones sighed and looked at Jim. "I'm not upset."

"You seem upset."

"I was worried, you dumbass."

"I know, but usually that's followed by an angry rant or lecture."

Bones' eyebrow rose. "You want a lecture?"

"No," Jim quickly backtracked, "But I'm just…" he trailed off.

"I get it, kid. You went to Thea's grave, didn't you? That's why Liam was with you. And why we couldn't track you."

Jim frowned. "You can't track me?" That was surprising.

"Of course we can. We're not letting you out of our sights anytime soon, Jim. Not after what happened with Wolff, but Chekov set up some sort of interference at the sight of Thea's grave so that no one would be able to find it unless they're on the ground. He wanted to give her and her parents some privacy, I guess."

"Oh. That was nice of him."

"Yeah, Liam was really thankful about it. Take off your shirt."

The sudden change in topic threw Jim in a loop. "What?"

Bones crossed his arms, looking very unimpressed. "Take off your shirt. I need to check on your wound."

Obliging Bones, Jim stripped off his shirt and sat obediently as Bones did his check. After a couple of soft probing, Bones glanced up at Jim, something akin to a tinge of sorrow.

"That's going to scar, Jim. But I can probably reconfigure the dermal regenerator to do something about it."

Jim shook his head. "No, it's okay. Leave it."

Bones nodded, understanding. "Okay." He leaned back and considered Jim for a moment. "So, where are you going first?"

Confused, Jim tilted his head at Bones. "Go where?"

"When we get back to Earth. You're going to go wandering, aren't you?"

"Wait. How did you know that? I didn't even know what I was going to do until about twenty minutes ago."

Bones just shrugged. "So, where? Because I don't like the cold or snow, so it better be somewhere decently warm first."

"I don't quite know yet…" and then Jim's brain caught up with Bones' words. "Wait. What?"

Bones cracked a grin. "It's not every day I get to have one up over a genius like you."

"You're coming with?"

To be honest, once Jim started thinking about traveling, he knew that he was going to ask Bones to come with. He was always going to ask Bones because he didn't want to be completely alone right now. But he was scared that he would take Bones away from the Enterprise, from his duties as a doctor, and he hadn't worked up the courage to do so. And knowing himself, he would've ended up just leaving without even asking.

Turned out, he needn't have worried. Bones was one step ahead of him.

"I'm not staying on this godforsaken ship without you."

"Hey! She's a beauty!"

"Putting aside your inappropriate love for an inanimate object, I've got a lot of vacation days piled up. Might as well put them to use."

"I can't ask that of you, Bones. You are still an officer of Starfleet."

"Yeah, and as an officer of Starfleet, I'm taking a vacation. Besides, you're not asking. That's not a problem, right?"

Jim couldn't wrap his head around it, but agreed anyway. "Yeah, no. It's fine. I guess."

"Good. I already have my bag packed and everything."

"Wait. You have your bag packed already?"

Bones finally took pity on Jim and rolled his eyes. He leaned forward, putting both hands on Jim's shoulders. "Alright, it looks like I'm going to have to spell this out for you."

Jim nodded, obviously still confused. "Please."

"I'm going to take about a six-month vacation and travel with you. Because knowing you, you're going to end up running into some sort of trouble and I'll have to come bail you out anyway. Might as well cut to the chase and go with you from the start."

"But why?"

"I came to the Enterprise with you, Jim. I am never going to stay without you. Like I was ever going to let you go alone."

"Oh."

"Yeah, you infant. Took you long enough," huffed Bones as he sat back again. "So," he asked again, "Where are we going?"

For once, Jim didn't hesitate. He just smiled and said a single word: "Anywhere."

Bones smiled back. "Now that sounds just great."

As the Enterprise left Zenobia's docks and made her way back to Earth, Jim quietly and slowly packed, savoring his time on his precious ship even though he was still confined to his quarters. His actions didn't escape the notice of his friends. Each of them expressed a desire to come with too, but they all knew that having Bones out of commission was already stretching it – the Enterprise was already losing both her Captain and her CMO for six months. They couldn't contribute to the strain on the ship. It wouldn't be fair to their crew either, but they all still came by to check on Jim and give their own little trinkets for Jim to bring with.

Chekov was first, unsurprisingly. He didn't say much. All he did was give Jim a teary hug. Because nothing really needed to be spoken between them. And for once, Jim didn't feel the need to comfort the younger man. Nor did Chekov comfort Jim. It was a mutual understanding that didn't require words. Instead, Chekov was that quiet pillar of strength that Jim didn't realize that he had – another wall on which to lean against when he felt weary, just as he was one for Chekov. It reminded Jim of when they were both trapped in Germany in that dingy dirty cell and they had only each other for a sense of security. Despite the horrors that were happening around them, they still had each other. It was their own safe, little bubble that could never be penetrated.

Before Chekov left, he gave Jim a journal to write in. When Jim flipped through it, he noticed a few unsolvable mathematical theorems handwritten in the first few pages.

"Something to entertain you vhen you get bored on the road," Chekov said quietly.

"So that Bones doesn't kill me?" Jim joked.

Chekov laughed. "So that ve don't have to hear you complain about how Doctor McCoy stuck you vith a bunch of tricorders again."

"True. That man is a menace."

"It's for your own good, Keptin."

Jim still wasn't able to stop the cringe at the title and Chekov's smile slipped from his face.

"Still?"

Jim hesitated, but gave one nod.

"That's okay. I can vait until it feels right to you again," Chekov grinned.

The way he said it, there was no 'if'. He was absolutely sure that there was going to be a day when Jim would return to them. It made Jim feel worlds better that he knew that there was going to be place for him to come back to, even though he wasn't sure if he was going to quite yet.

Sulu was next. There weren't any tears or any chick-flick moments. Just a pat on the back, a newly sharpened boot knife for Jim's travels, and then followed by, "So how long do you think McCoy will last before that vein in his forehead bursts?"

"It's funny how you think that he'll be the first one to crack," Jim quipped back.

"You've gotta hold out, Kirk. I want to win a bet against Uhura for once."

"You put money on this?"

Sulu's eyebrow rose. "You disapprove?"

Jim laughed. "Tell me the exact parameters of your bet and I'll make sure you get one over Uhura. It's about time someone won against her."

"Didn't McCoy win before?"

"You know, I don't actually know. I think so? But I'm also sure that he's not allowed to brag about it under penalty of maiming."

"Or he just doesn't care unless he's winning credits off of you."

"The man can be petty," Jim mused.

"But seriously, joking aside," Sulu said, his tone turning somber. "You need me anywhere, anytime, I'm there in a heartbeat, okay? Don't be a stranger. Don't do that lone wolf shit. Because I saw you die in McCoy's arms, and even though you're here in front of me right now, I'll never stop seeing that. You're one of my best friends, Kirk, and not just because I work with you or because you've saved my life several times. You're my brother, and I can't…I can't have you just disappear from my life. Not anymore. You're ours, you hear me? No matter what. You leave, I go with you. Hell, I think we'll all go with you."

Jim ran his fingers through his hair, focusing on breathing through his nose. "Jesus, Sulu. You know that that's why the Admiralty is coming down on me so hard."

"So what? It's the truth."

"It's a threat to their authority."

"It's an insurance policy, Kirk."

"For who?"

"For you, idiot. Because if the Admirals decide to boot you, they lose all of us, and even they can't handle that severe of a loss."

"That's a really dangerous game you guys are playing…" Jim warned, trying to deter him.

"You're worth it."

"Worth all of you losing your careers? Your bright futures? For me? No, that's too much of a weight for me to bear."

"Well, it's not exactly yours to bear, is it? It's ours. It's our choice. And you may not see that now, but that's fine. Look, I'm not telling you this to put pressure on you. I'm telling you so that you have insurance. So that you know that no matter what, the Enterprise and the rest of us will always support you. So you go travel. Have fun. Do what you need to do. And don't let McCoy blow a fuse, okay? But if he does, give me a call and I'll back you up in the blink of an eye."

"Bones won't like that."

"I'm not afraid of McCoy."

"Everyone is afraid of Bones."

"Not Uhura."

"That's because everyone is afraid of Uhura. And also, not a good argument, because you're not Uhura."

"Damn it."

"It's alright. You'll still be my Legolas to my Aragon against Sauron."

"…Did you just compare McCoy to Sauron?"

"He does have an eye on me at all times."

Sulu laughed so hard that it made Jim cackle up until they were both had tears come to their eyes. Just like they had before.

Scotty came after Sulu, walking in when they had finally collapsed onto the ground in giggles. And all he did was shove drinks that he had brought into to Sulu's and Jim's hands. Both Scotty and Sulu had a shot of whiskey while Jim's, sadly, was apple juice.

Jim almost spit it out, fully expecting the hard burn of alcohol. "What the hell, Scotty?" Jim spluttered.

Scotty chuckled. "Ah ain't givin' ye alcohol. McCoy has specifically told me tha ye can't have any right now."

"But I'm all healed!"

"Not according ta the good doctor."

"Screw Bones. Gimme." Jim made grabbing motions with his hands towards the flask that Scotty was holding, but Scotty pulled it away.

"No no. Doctor McCoy was very clear."

"Don't be scared of Bones."

Sulu rolled his eyes as he passed the shot glass back to Scotty. "As you just said, Kirk, everyone's afraid of McCoy. That's my cue to go. See you later, Kirk!"

Scotty waited until Sulu left before sauntering up to Jim and thrusting a newly modified communicator into his hand.

"This is waterproof, space-proof, and Jim-proof. It's also completely secure. It'll out-weather anything, so ye can call us anytime on it."

"Jim-proof?"

"Ye can still tinker with it, but basically, it'll outlast any of the shenanigans that ye usually find yerself in."

"So if I drop it from like a hundred feet, it'll survive?"

"Theoretically, yes." Scotty paused as he processed what Jim said. "Wait. Are yew going to find yourself a hundred feet above the ground?"

Jim just shrugged. "Theoretically? It's quite possible."

"Ah don't think McCoy will like that."

"He's going to have to learn to deal with it."

Scotty winced. "Listen, Jim…"

And like that, Scotty's entire demeanor completely changed. The Scottish man was fidgety, shuffling his feet and wringing his hands, but his eyes, when they met Jim's, was absolutely sincere. "Jim, ah wasn't there when things went down on Zenobia. Sometimes, ah wish ah was and other days, ah'm so glad ah wasn't, because ah still see Sulu stagger around once in a while. And then with what happened with Wolff onboard? Ah don't know if that failure was on me. Ah feel like it is, but this sense of helplessness and uselessness? It's awful, especially since it feels like ah failed you. Ye have always been there for me. Saved me from Delta Vega and always supporting my crazy concoctions without a question. And ah don't feel like ah've ever done anything for you."

"I don't need you to do anything for me, Scotty. I've never needed that," Jim said back gently.

"That's exactly what ah mean! Yer too good of a man fer the world, Jim."

"Where did that come from?"

"Ye always give, never take. And it's about fine time that we gave back to ye, Jim."

"That's…you don't…"

Scotty cut him off. "We're friends, Jim. And somehow, ye got in yer head that ye care more about us than we care about ye. So that's going to change. Now ah may not be like McCoy or Spock who can be there with ye all the time, but ah will make ye a promise. A promise that ah will always make sure that ye have a way back home to us, be it beaming ye back from a mission or making sure that none of yer tech breaks."

"You can't guarantee that, Scotty. Shit happens. You know. You've seen it."

"Just watch me, Jim. Ah won't fail ye ever again. It's a promise. To ye and me."

"I…I don't know what to say."

"Don't worry about it, laddie. Just know that ah'll always have yer back. Remember ta use that communicator when yer off traveling. Let me know how it's working fer ye, alright?"

"Uh…yeah, I will."

"Good," Scotty beamed. "When the doctor says it's okay, ah'll let ye have some of this," he shook the flask, "Next time around. Talk to ye soon, Jim."

Then he left, leaving Jim baffled and holding a shot glass of apple juice in one hand and an extremely advanced communicator in the other. And Jim couldn't even blame the fuzzy feeling in his stomach on alcohol this time around. Damn it.

When Uhura came by, she seemed so tentative and shy - a vast difference from what Jim was used to. It made Jim's chest twinge a bit, making him feel more breakable and vulnerable than he had in days. Uhura had never taken any crap from him and had always kept Jim on his toes. It also somewhat reminded him of his time with Sam when their banters gave Jim such amusement. His relationship with Uhura kept him in check and he truly appreciated her wit for it all. But the Uhura before him shifted uncomfortably, unable to really look at him in the face. As if a single glance would shatter Jim all over again.

And Jim hated it. Hated it with a passion. So he went on the offense, protecting himself the only way he knew how.

"Look, you don't have to be here if you don't want to," Jim said, unable to really keep the bitterness and bite out of his words. He hated himself more at that because it was a reminder of how raw he was at the moment. It ridiculous and just downright sad.

Uhura's head snapped up, her brow furrowing in confusion. "What?"

"I understand you're busy, so you don't have to stay if you don't want to. I won't be offended," Jim repeated, forcing his voice to be more placating.

Suddenly, comprehension appeared in Uhura's eyes, which immediately softened. "Oh, you silly, silly man."

Defensive, Jim took a step back and crossed his arms. "What do you want, Uhura?"

"I don't see you any differently, Kirk, if that's what you're worried about. I don't think you're weak or powerless. I don't see that."

"Then what do you see?"

"A good man who's been knocked down far too many times for it to be fair."

"I..."

"Nope, shut up, Kirk," Uhura interrupted, closing the distance between them. "If I seem nervous around you, it's just because I don't know how to approach this."

"This?"

She thrust a photo out to him. "The crew wanted to do something for you, and we agreed that this was probably the best thing that we could do for now. But we also know that you get hives from anything emotional, so I didn't really know how to give it to you without making you squirm, as much as I would've liked to see that."

Though bewildered, Jim took the photo from Uhura. It was a picture of the Command crew and as many crew members that they could possibly fit into the Bridge with big smiles on their faces. They all stood around the Captain's chair that was empty. No, waiting. Waiting for him.

"We just wanted to let you know that no one else will be able to replace you as our Captain. And that you are more loved than you can even imagine."

There was a beat of silence before Jim could respond in a broken tone. "I don't even know if I can come back..."

"We know," she said gently. "We also know that we're being incredibly selfish, almost guilting you into coming back. Because you are the best. You care for us. Each one of us. And there will never be another like you. But it's because of that, we want what's best for you, whether it be with us or elsewhere. No matter what you end up choosing, you will always have our support. There will always be a place for you on the Enterprise, and she will always be waiting for you if you decide to come back."

She leaned forward and placed a simple kiss on his cheek. "I wanted to thank you, Kirk, for everything. Not just giving everything you have to save us, but for being you. For being my friend, for being my family, for being a part of my life. We don't say that enough to you. Thank you, Jim."

Her use of his first name threw him for a loop. His brain literally couldn't break out of it. So intelligently, his response was a simple and eloquent: "What."

Uhura chuckled and caressed Jim's cheek. "I look forward to seeing what sort of languages you learn this time around. Next time, I'll win our dare fair and square. No excuses, okay?"

Jim just nodded.

"See you soon, Jim," she said as she left.

Before her back disappeared around the corner of his door, Jim couldn't help himself and shouted after her, "Does that mean I can call you Nyota?"

Her bright laughter echoed in Jim's mind for hours.

Spock was last. As expected. Jim hadn't even known he could trust someone as much as Bones, but then Spock came into his life. Despite the fact that Spock almost ended Jim's career before it even started, the fact that Spock exiled him to Delta Vega, or they each had said quite unforgiveable things to each other (more so on Jim's end), somehow, somewhere, Spock got to see past the shields that Jim had put up and Jim truly got to know and understand the conundrum, the conflicting and complicated, Spock.

Ever steadfast and strong Spock; unwavering and everlasting. Jim wasn't sure exactly when he and Spock became more than just Commander and Captain. It could've been during one of those hundreds of chess games that would last for hours or during one of those thousands of missions that went sideways. But somehow and somewhere, Jim suddenly didn't have the absolute need to watch his back. He didn't look over his shoulder and warily watch the movements of everyone around him because he knew that, no matter where or what he was doing, Spock would be there. Even without looking, Jim just knew that Spock would always be there whenever he turned around.

It was a trust that ran so deep that Jim nearly had a panic attack when he realized that there was no one else that he would have preferred to be back-to-back against, facing the world together.

It truly was a friendship that would span lifetimes and define a generation.

And God did Jim feel like shit knowing that that Spock probably felt the same. Because Spock deserved a better friend than someone who willingly always threw himself into the fire. Jim was honestly surprised that Spock hadn't grown tired of constantly chasing after Jim all these years and instead, remained glued to his side.

Jim didn't know how he could possibly tell Spock how much he appreciated his friendship, his undying loyalty. It killed Jim knowing that he was leaving so soon after he had literally died in front of Spock's eyes. He was such a shitty friend.

"You do not need to look so guilty, Jim," Spock said after stepping into Jim's room.

"What? I don't..."

"How long have we been friends, Jim? There is not much left you can hide from me."

Jim felt a little concerned at that, but there was also a small part of him that felt touched and warmed at the thought that he didn't have to hide anything for once.

"Are you all packed, Jim?"

"Yeah, just about."

"Where do you think you will travel to first?"

"Don't know. Bones wanted to go somewhere warm though."

"I wished to accompany you as well, to ensure your safety."

"I'm not your Captain anymore, Spock," Jim said softly. "It's not your duty as Commander to protect me anymore."

"Perhaps not, but as your friend, can you fault me for wishing for your continued safety and happiness?"

Jim fidgeted uncomfortably.

"However, I owe it to you watch over your ship while you recover. I will ensure that there will not be a single scratch on her for your return."

It just made Jim rub his arm uncertainly and look away. If there was anyone that Jim could be truthful to and not worry about their response, it was Spock. Sure, Jim trusted Bones, more than Jim thought it was possible, but it was like Bones was the emotional half of him while Spock was the logical side. Together, they made Jim whole.

"I don't know if I want to come back, Spock," Jim admitted quietly. He hadn't even said that to Bones yet, though he suspected that Bones already knew what was going through his head.

"I know," Spock responded, just as quietly. "Though we have not known each for long, it seems as if it has been more than a lifetime. I like to think that I can read you quite well now, just as you can me."

"And what do you read from me now?" It felt like Jim was asking everyone that question. Only because he honestly didn't know himself.

Spock straightened himself, putting his arms behind his back, standing at attention like he usually did when he was on the Bridge with Jim. "You are a good man who doesn't believe he is. I see a man who cares so ever deeply that it tears him apart to the point where he's lost himself in grief because he could not save everyone. However, above that, I see one of the strongest men I have had the fortune of encountering in my life and an even more impressive Captain that Starfleet will ever know. I have every faith that you will return in a similar fashion."

"How so?" Jim couldn't comprehend it. He spread his arms wide, wincing as his atrophied muscles ached with the movement. His eyes were bright and shiny with unshed tears. "You say you know me so well. Can't you see the broken pieces? I'm a tower of glass that has been put together by mere glue, ready to just fall apart in a second! How the hell am I strong? I can't come back to this, Spock. I can't be Captain if I know that I'm going to fail again. I can't have people dying because of me again. I can't add more blood to my hands. I can't have another Thea, Spock. I won't survive it again."

"You may feel like you cannot right now, or even in the future, but Jim, it is not so. Go travel with Dr. McCoy. Rediscover what it means to be Jim Kirk, and if, by the end of the six months, you still do not feel that you are able to return, then do not."

Everything froze at that moment. Deep, deep down, Jim felt absolute despair that Spock didn't want him to come back. That Spock was giving him the green light to just disappear into the midst of the vast, vast universe. To completely return to the regular society and be a normal human being. It was his out. His path to something else that wouldn't lead to so many lives being lost because of him. Spock knew this - he knew that Jim needed the approval from him to do so.

But Jim had lived his whole life, from the moment he was conceived to the very breath that he was taking now, as someone who couldn't be normal. He was born in the stars and lived amongst monsters. He found his way back to the stars when he managed to regain feeling in his fingers, realized that he wasn't as much of a monster himself as he thought, thanks to the influence of his crew. And while he felt like he was adrift in the twinkling lights of the galaxy, he just knew, deep within his bones that he was meant to die amongst these stars. There would never be any other way. He wouldn't be Jim otherwise.

And like that, Spock gave Jim one of his rare, rare smiles. Really, Spock could read him like a book. He knew exactly what to say. "Return when you can, my Captain. I will wait for you, as will the rest of the Enterprise. Again, if six months are not enough for you to return as our Captain, then come back in seven, in eight, in a year. The length of time does not matter. We will wait."

"Spock..."

"My only request is that you do not disappear from my life again." Spock stepped forward. "I know it has been a difficult time for you..."

It was telling of how strong their friendship was that Jim knew the true meaning of what Spock was actually saying. That he was not demeaning the turmoil that Jim had gone through. For a Vulcan, 'a difficult time' was essentially equivalent fucking hell.

And at that moment, when Jim finally looked at Spock. Really looked at him, Jim could see the lines of exhaustion and weariness on him. There were dark tinges under Spock's usually impeccable face. His brown eyes were lackluster and full of pain. Pain from seeing his best friend die, from letting his best friend walk out of his life without him.

Jim could understand it. Because Jim was walking away from Spock. Leaving everyone that he had ever grown close to. Not being able to talk to them or see them on a daily basis. To worry if the distance would affect their friendship at all. Jim nearly didn't want to leave at the mere thought of the people he was leaving behind. Spock especially.

Spock had lost so much - his mother, his planet, all that he has ever known. He had found himself with the crew of the Enterprise, with Uhura, with Jim. It was more than what Jim was walking away from. Though, at the same time, it was no different.

"Spock, I'm sorry..." Jim breathed. "I'm so sorry."

"You said that to Dr. McCoy when you died as well," Spock replied, tilting his head as he contemplated Jim.

"I didn't...I didn't think my decisions would affect you guys so much."

"And therein lies the problem. How could you not think that any action that you take would not affect us? You are our friend. Our dear friend, our brother, our Captain."

Jim just considered Spock before him. "How are you doing, Spock? Really doing?"

"I could ask the same as you."

"We all know how I'm doing. Absolute shit. But you? Are you okay?"

"You died before my eyes, Jim, and I could do nothing about it. How do you surmise I am doing? I have not been able to maintain my meditations for longer than ten minutes. I am constantly wakened in the middle of the night by nightmares seeing you perish over and over again. I cannot seem to focus unless I know where you are and how you are doing. It is absolutely illogical, and yet, I find myself wholly concerned about your wellbeing at all times."

"I'm sorry that I'm being so selfish."

Spock shook his head. "No, it is not your fault. I am, in fact, quite proud of you. Of the fact that you can be selfish around us. You have never had the opportunity before and I am relieved that you feel safe enough with us to do so. My own mentality aside, I truly believe that this reprieve is good for you. I have seen the toll of our last few missions in your eyes and within our chess games. You have not been able to win another game since our mission that involved the wisps."

Jim ran his hand through his hair. "That long, huh? Was it that obvious?"

"Only to Dr. McCoy and myself. We had discussed what we could do to help, but none of us had come up with a solution amiable to all of us. The best we could do was ensure that you were taken care of and in the best hands possible, who, as much as loathe to admit, is Dr. McCoy. But I do hope that you continue to speak to me during your travels."

"I will," Jim nodded fervently. It was the least he could do. "Thanks, Spock. For everything. Honestly. I know how hard you worked with the Admirals. I'm sorry you had to go through all that trouble."

Spock shook his head. "It was no trouble at all. In fact, it was my pleasure to do something for you."

"Thanks, Spock."

"I'll leave you to finish packing. Just remember, Jim, you are very much beloved on this ship and with this crew. I look forward to working with you again. You are, and forever will be, my friend."

"Right back at you." The twinkle in Jim's eyes weren't from tears. It wasn't. "I know you don't like physical touching, but damn it, I'm going to hug you, Spock."

"Pardon?" The shock in his voice made Jim chuckle.

Jim just stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Spock. "I love you, ya goof."

Surprisingly - or maybe at this stage it wasn't anymore - Spock immediately returned the hug, clasping Jim tightly. Their shared heat warmed Jim, keeping him grounded and sane.

"As illogical as it is," Spock whispered softly, "The sentiment is reciprocated."

Jim laughed wetly as he pulled away, knowing full well how uncomfortable it was for Spock to maintain physical contact for so long. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

Spock just smiled at Jim. "You will shine. Because you are James T. Kirk and you were always meant to be amongst the stars with us."

Two days later, the Enterprise docked on at San Francisco. The farewells were heartfelt and teary, but it wasn't a goodbye. No matter if Jim decided or was allowed to come back, he knew that he would always have a family waiting for him. He never really had that before and Jim couldn't help but smile at that thought. So he just shouldered his bag and waved before heading off the ship. McCoy was right beside him the entire time.

Then they were gone.

A couple weeks later, after all the reports had been filed and Wolff passed off to Starfleet for his trials, the Enterprise was sent back out with Spock as Acting Captain. Their missions were mostly milk runs - none of the crew had the heart to truly do anything more strenuous. Not without Jim. The Admiralty also wanted to keep the Enterprise below the press' radars until they got everything with Wolff settled down.

Jim, on the other hand, started out with a relaxing trip to New Zealand. He spent a month and a half there. The first bit, he spent fully recovering from his injuries, only wandering out for quick hikes around the rolling, green hills of the northern island. Three weeks later, he and Bones migrated down to the southern island where Jim spent several days climbing the canyons, jumping off with self-made bungee cords, and later dragging a parachute with him so that he could paraglide off the mountaintops. McCoy had sent the Command crew a couple of holos of Jim doing these gravity-defying stunts in the form of a selfie - McCoy up and front with a very annoyed expression and Jim in the background, flying off some high elevation. It was hilarious and also not surprising. At the same time, it was relieving to see that Jim had regained his strength and health. McCoy would never have let Jim do anything beyond what his body could take, particularly after Jim had died in his arms.

There were no more holos until about three months in. McCoy sent them another selfie of him frowning with Jim doing some sort of acrobatic stunt in midair. It seemed like both of them were in a circus, though in what country, they weren't sure, judging by the colors of the tent behind them and the tight ropes that lined across the ceiling. Obviously, Jim had regained the dexterity and flexibility that he had used back when they had been captured by a giant spider.

Throughout these long months, pictures were always sent in by McCoy and he was the one who constantly updated them on where they were or what they were doing. He never went without a couple of days telling him of some of their daily escapades.

Jim very rarely would send something to each of them, but when Jim did send, it was usually meaningful because he was reminded of them. Like for Sulu, Jim sent him a holo of himself at the mountain that was shot as Mount Doom in the old Lord of the Rings movies when he was in New Zealand. Behind him was Bones in a distance, clearly yelling at Jim for something. The sheepish expression on Jim's face was very him, especially with his caption of: "Sauron is always watching." It made Sulu crack up for a good hour.

Jim also sent a picture of Chekov's hometown, which he had gone to visit at month four, to Chekov himself. Chekov actually called Jim in excitement and they chatted for almost three hours. Both had wide smiles on their faces for the entire time.

With Uhura, Jim would occasionally call her up to ask her the correct pronunciation of some foreign language he was trying to pick up. It happened pretty much every month. He nearly had a new language each time, but Uhura had a feeling that Jim was using it as an excuse to call her. As genius as Kirk was, there had to be a limitation – there just wasn't any way that Jim could pick up a rudimentary knowledge of a new language every month. Regardless though, Uhura was more than happy to help out whenever she could.

Scotty got some messages when Jim toured the United Kingdom and stopped by Scotland. Mostly, it was just pictures of McCoy drunk and/or passed out on some dirty table with Jim grinning, clearly inebriated but still very proud of himself for out drinking McCoy. In retaliation, McCoy sent a couple holos of Jim completely knocked out. Overall, their games to outdo the other were very amusing to Scotty.

Now Spock...Spock got consistent messages from Jim. It wasn't that Jim didn't want to talk to the rest of his family, but it was just easier to speak to Spock. Like Spock was his diary that helped him work through different issues. Most of the time, it was just Jim talking, trying to figure something out and Spock quietly listening until Jim was able to find an answer. Other times, there was a brokenness and darkness in Jim's eyes and he wouldn't say much past, "Tell me about the ship." And Spock would regal Jim with all of the tales that had happened since the last they spoke. Spock never told the rest of the crew of his near weekly chats with Jim, and Jim never mentioned it to anyone else either. It just worked for them.

By month five, they could all see that Jim was slowly getting somewhere. He was smiling more in his pictures and Bones looked less stressed out. But they didn't hear anything about Jim's return.

Month six rolled around and Jim still hadn't shown any inclination that he was returning to the Enterprise. McCoy came back though, once all his vacation days were used up. He was quite reticent on what Jim was planning, stating that he didn't really know and that it was up to Jim. It was probably the truth, but McCoy still looked completely on edge. And Spock knew for a fact that McCoy never unpacked his bag, just in case.

Even though Jim didn't return after his suspension, he kept in touch with everyone. More constantly now that Bones wasn't sending them updates. Apparently, he had made his way off Earth and moved onto different worlds.

Months seven and eight passed and Jim still didn't seem to be coming back anytime soon.

As month nine neared an end, Jim suddenly dropped off the grid. He didn't send anyone any messages nor did he pick up their calls. Spock and Chekov couldn't even track him. Panic now touched everyone, including McCoy and Spock. And suddenly, Pike was hailing them and telling them that they had to trek to Zenobia again. The parameters of the mission were very bare and vague: they were to check up on Zenobia and see how their new government was faring. At the same time, they were to pick up a few of Starfleet's officers that have been staying there to stabilize the government and bring them back to Starfleet.

Trepidation from going back to the place that seemed to shatter their small family filled each and every one of the crew members, but at the same time, there was still pride. Pride of seeing their hard work paying off - to know that Zenobia was recovering. Her citizens were strong - they deserved all the happiness in the universe after what Wolff and Greenaway did.

So dutifully, the crew made their way back to Zenobia. Where everything began. It was finally time to lay it all to rest.

To be continued...

So...excuse time? Sorry I'm so awful at updating things at a reasonable time. I have to say though, my personal life has been an absolute shit-storm and whirlwind. I don't really wanna go into details, but man, it's been a really rough few months. Absolutely awful, but you guys don't wanna hear me whining and moping. On the bright side, this story should be completed in 1-2 chapters, so yay for that!

Thanks for sticking with me for all this time, everyone. Really appreciate it. And thank you to all those who supported me so much. You guys are the best. :)

Anyway, as always, hope you enjoyed and please review!

Cheers,

Yuna