"iight, come wit me" Daryl says the next morning. Rick took Michonne and Carl with him on a run, leaving Daryl in charge. Carol is keeping an eye on Merle in the tower as they take watch so Daryl can help me with what I requested him to help with.
We leave the cell block and make our way through a hall way "where are we going?" I ask him. He doesn't answer me and turns a corner. "Daryl, shouldn't we go to the court yard, kill them through the fence?" I ask him, scared of being here again.
"Naw, less yew want your head blown off like Axel.." He says back to me. I don't respond, his reasoning making sense. If the governor has people watching us they can take us out easily. I should feel better about staying in doors, but the last time I roamed these halls I almost died confined in a small room. "First thing we're gonna do is have you do one that's already dead." He says, stopping his feet and turning to me.
"What?" I ask, his statement not making any sense this time.
"You've never stabbed through bone before, have ya?" He asks raising an eyebrow. I shake my head confirming and he nods "well, it ain't like cutting bread.. I got a few here already down, now.." he leans down next to one, the things eyes open and staring at me. "Take this knife, stab it behind the ear." He hands me over a knife.
I reach my hand out to take it and realize I'm shaking. I grab it from him and he moves over a little for me to get the perfect squatting position. "I..I don't know if I can do this.." I sputter out, my other hand grabbing my stomach wanting to hurl my small breakfast back up.
Time passes in silence, Daryl waiting for me to go. He sighs, taking his hand and placing it over mine "I'll help you" he says. He guides my hand completely, using his own strength to stab it behind its ear. I can feel the bone and brain through the handle and cringe as it gets pulled out "now this sucker is dead, so it won't spurt out.." he says letting my hand go and standing to move.
I stand with him, getting to another body and squatting down while keeping back the bile in my throat "now you try it" he says again, this time standing over to watch. I nod and use whatever strength I have to push the knife through its head. I pull it out, and look to him "okay" I exhale slowly, still feeling ill but wanting to put on a brave face in front of him.
He nods with a smirk "good, we'll go for a frontal hit next, use a different knife" he puts his hand out for me to give him that one back. He hands me a machete and I slowly take it, the weight unfamiliar in my arms. "this will take some getting used to, but it's sharp and gets the job done in one hit once you know how to use it." He comes around behind me, lifting my arm up "swing down with your whole arm.." he guides it slowly "increase the momentum as you do, let gravity help you." he helps me 2 more times before letting go "you try" he says standing a little to the side now.
I swing my arm down with some force, not feeling comfortable giving it all I got "like this?" I ask him, hoping I'm doing okay.
He comes behind me again when I stop swinging "bring your shoulder down" he lifts my arm up and adjusts my shoulder for me "the momentum of your core whips your arm and the machete to give it more of a thrust." He swings it now with me "feel that?" He asks, his head near my ear. I nod nervously. "lead with your elbow. That's how you'll get it hit where you want it. Also, flick with your wrist right before you connect with the target." he says showing me with his arm as if he's holding it. I nod back to him, practicing, worrying about everything.
"Let's try it" I say nervously after a few swings of my arm. He nods and positions the body against the wall, easier for me to hit than on the floor. I lift my hand and take a breathe, but I can't lower it. I know this thing wasn't a human anymore, and is already dead, but I can't. I lower my arm and breathe before trying again. This time I swing my arm down fast and hard, the weapon piercing its skull. My arm gets most of the reaction and I drop the machete on the ground, grabbing my arm as it pulses.
"Not bad," Daryl says back with a smirk. "Now, a gun." He takes one out from behind his back "you ever shoot one?" he asks going to hand it to me.
"Not a gun" I shake my head.
"It's the best option we have" he says jutting his hand out further.
I shake my head again "No, I can't shoot a gun" my head shakes faster.
"You asked me here Sadie -Mae. Now ask yourself why?" He says, still leaving his hand out.
I sigh, thinking through the reasons it came to this. "I thought Andrea died to save me.. and T-dog, he sacrificed himself for me... to protect me." I trail off. "If I was able to protect myself maybe I wouldn't feel so ugly, so wrong about being here, about being alive in this world when they're not." I explain out loud.
Daryl steps closer to me, inches away "then take it" his voice is in a hoarse whisper.
I reach my hand out slowly, everything in me shouting against what I'm about to do. I lift the gun out of his hand and my sisters face blurs into my mind, her face stained with tears "I can't, I'm sorry!" I say giving it back to him and running back to the cell block. I run fast, only having to turn 2 corners before I'm back. "Let me in!" I shout out when I'm close "open it, please!"
"Everything okay?" Maggie asks me, coming to the gate to open it for me.
I wipe away the tears with my arm "it's fine" I say back looking to the side as I hustle past her. I go into my cell, glad Beth is off helping with Judith or something and lay my head into the pillow, letting the tears fall out.
I don't come back out of of the cell until dinner. Beth made soup and I grab a small bowl and make my way to find Daryl. He's sitting at his perch, his brother near by when I walk up the stairs and stop a few down before getting to the platform "Give us a minute" He says to his brother.
Merle snarls with a smirk as he gets up "gon' bump uglies right here, right now?" He comments with an eyebrow dance.
"shut up" I roll my eyes as he passes me down the steps. "I'm sorry about running off. It was immature of me to do that" I say to him.
"You gon' tell me what's goin' on?" He asks, picking at the food in his bowl, looking up to me. I stand there, looking away from him, hoping he doesn't really care for me to explain "fine" he says standing up "find someone else to help ya." He walks away into a cell on the upper deck.
"Daryl.." I say when I get to the cell door. He just turns from the corner of the room where he was and stares at me incredulously "fine" I say sitting on the bed and folding my feet Indian style. "You remember Joanna Beth? I mentioned her that time in the woods?" I ask him.
"Ya, your sister." He responds remembering.
I nod "my little sister. Her and I were inseparable growing up." I smile at the memories "we were put into foster care when I was about 7 and she was about 4. My mom had a bad habit with drugs, passed away from an overdose." I shrug telling him. I didn't miss her, she was an awful mother who never should have brought children into the world. "Well the first family to take us in was this really sweet couple. They couldn't have kids of their own. They really wanted my sister but they soon realized she would only be happy if I was there so they took me along with them.. It was a great, they were really lovely people." I think back to the Charleston's. "We were in the process of being adopted by them, she was a teacher and he was a police officer, it wasn't suppose to take long, they were wonderful. Well one day I was out in the front yard playing with my sister when the awful neighborhood boys came along" I snarl, partially blaming them for what happened. "They had this toy gun and were pretend shooting us with it, making fun of us for being orphans. They really nagged on my little sister, she was so young and easily upset. I was so mad at them, I couldn't let them get away with it and I knew where Mr. Charleston kept his gun when he was off duty. It wasn't locked away or anything. It was just out of reach." I explain, my body now fully shaking. I haven't told this story to anyone in a long time, years before the break out even. My heart races as I go on, memories vividly coming back to me "well I got it, and I went back outside to show them, to tell them to stop messing around with us. They started yelling back that it was fake and that I wouldn't hurt them and in the process of us arguing the gun went off." Tears stream down my face as they have done hundreds of times before "I turned to my side and she was lying there on the ground." I keep going, although I feel like nothing I'm saying is actually making sense through my tears "her blue dress stained red.. I run over to her, dropping the gun and hold her head in my hands.. Jo, please Jo.. I begged her to stay with me, her eyes filled with pain. I remember her scream, Mrs. Charelston's.." I say looking to Daryl "it was the most horrific, deadly, saddening shrill I've ever heard.. She rushed over to us, pulling Joanna Beth off the ground and into her arms, weeping along with me. I ran beside her, pulling at her shirt to apologize for what I've done, to say sorry to my sister. She puts her on the couch in the living room and runs to get the phone.. "Why are you cryin' Sadie-Mae?" Jo asked me in a horse whisper when I crawled next to her, grabbing her hand "It'll be alright" she said to me with a smile before closing her eyes." I get out in a full on blubber. Daryl's arms are wrapped around me pulling me in to him. My head lays on his chest as the memory of me killing my sister takes over and my body shuts itself down.