I am torturing myself by writing this. I just want you guys to know this does some of the same things to me as it does to you. I have decided to break up the next bit into shorter chapters to make it easier to edit and post. But by edit I mean I don't have time to read this over and over again, so let me know where the mistakes are at and I will fix them. Sorry I am lazy when it comes to making edits. And for everyone that was sure I had abandoned this story, I promise I haven't. I wish I could write all the time, but unfortunately I can't. School takes up 99% of the time I have and sleep is the other 1%. But since I am currently failing my class I decided I needed to do something I enjoyed to let off some steam. Please enjoy.
Chapter 18:
Her heart was still hammering against the wall of her chest. Usually her heart beat was steady, controlled. Now it felt like the organ was trying to crawl out of her chest, up her throat, only to escape through her mouth. Hours later and she still felt like lightning had ripped through her when she made eye contact with Zolm. What made it worse was Iryanna had been standing next to her when it had happened. Carefully she had to contemplate the feeling she had experienced. It took hours to understand that she would probably never fully know what she had felt that ripped through her. There had been too many things happening at one time for her mind to process such a complex emotion.
The worst problem had been her taking Iryanna to begin with, that is something she could deduce now. She had all but forced Iryanna from her so she could be alone after the incident. The girl had tried to ask too many questions regarding her "cousin", and the intrusion wasn't welcome. Shraga had tried to avoid the questions by deflection, but Iryanna's seemingly innocent curiosity was hard to sate despite the warning gazes she had given the girl to shut it. It had occurred to Shraga on several occasions that the girl had a lot of growing up to do. Most people when met with such an icy glare, would have sealed their lips shut, and forgot the question. Iryanna would stay silent for a moment, and then ask anyways. Was this Shraga's fault for befriending her? Did it give her some unseen power to disrespect social protocol? Shraga sighed.
Naturally Shraga understood. Shraga never spoke about her personal life before marrying Garsiv. So she couldn't blame Iryanna for trying to seize the chance to learn more about her sister by marriage. Yet the deeper the girl pried, the harder it was just give Iryanna short, insufficient answers, especially after she had told the girl not to mention it to Garsiv. It was like the girl couldn't understand why Shraga wouldn't want her family to associate together. Shraga had to then come up with the only answer that was partially the truth, stating that Garsiv as well was not fond of her "cousin". No matter though, Iryanna wanted to know why no one like Zolm. So eventually Shraga feigned a headache so she could get the girl to leave her side.
Yet when they had made it back to the palace she did have a headache. The pain had started just as a dull ache behind her eyes, and now had spread across her entire cranium, and down her neck and into her shoulders. The pain was no longer dull either, it was sharp, and piercing. The pain seemingly pulsating with her rapid heartbeat creating an unbearable pressure. Before making it to her chambers, she found herself seeking out a healer for a pain drought.
She didn't like asking for such things. She always felt dull minded for a few days after taking them but her head starting to hurt so much that it was hard to keep her eyes open. That was because the world started to seem like it was tipped and spinning. The light stung and made her nerves fray. There was no way for her to just fight through the pain. In all her life, she had never had a headache so severe. It would have worried her under any other circumstance. She had wasted no time drinking the drought, and then making it to her rooms. She knew that in no time the drought would slow her heart rate and cause her to become heavy with fatigue.
Her hand covered her chest and she could feel her heart and she could feel it pound against the cavity of her chest. The beat was erratic and caused her to start to fear. She was in such control of her body, the fact of this was clear from the way she took care of herself. It was strange that now she felt like she didn't have any control. She tried to find her center, to pull herself back to a place where she would find peace from her hearts insistent beat.
There was no way to control such a thing when she was worried about what she had felt when she saw Zolm. That was mainly because at seeing Zolm she was reminded of the bitter memories she so desperately had tried to bury. Worst of all she didn't understand why seeing his scarred face caused her to feel guilty. Of all the things she should have felt that way over it was disturbing that she felt it for disfiguring his once handsome face. And he had been handsome, someone that many women would have fawned over if he didn't live in seclusion from society due to his heritage. Her fate would have been the same if she hadn't been promised to Garsiv at a young age. That wasn't the point though. She had done that to his face. She had disfigured him and all for what? A kiss?
It was surprising that this was just hitting her now. She had seen him since she had scarred him. Why hadn't it bothered her then? Garsiv had to be the answer to that. All the other times she had been so consumed with thoughts of wondering if her husband were alive, that she couldn't be bothered to think of what she had really done to Zolm. And now that her husband was safe, and back where he belonged, by her side, she could really open her eyes and just see. She had disfigured the closest person to a childhood friend that she could claim, and all for a kiss.
She grit her teeth suddenly. The more insight she had though the more she had to admit feeling guilty was ridiculous. So she rid herself of any guilt she thought she was feeling. It had not just been a kiss! No! It had been a promise that he was going to take what belonged to another man, and that was what she had chosen to give only Garsiv. So she had made the choice in the matter, and she had chosen to stop him. She stopped Zolm because she chose Garsiv.
Despite the way she had been raised in being a fiercely loyal wife to whomever she married, she still was not property to be taken, bartered with, and distributed to the highest bidder. She had chosen to marry Garsiv despite all appearances that she had been forced into it by her father. Yes, she had tried to make herself look like a heathen to get out of the marriage. Yet when she was taken to the palace, she could have very well left any time she had wanted. After careful thought and researching her husband's character, she wanted to know him. Marriage was the only way that was going to work, so she allowed it. If she hadn't wanted to share her life with him she wouldn't have. And Zolm had tried to take her choice away from her.
It became very clear then as to what she had felt when she had made eye contact with Zolm's icy blue eyes. She had felt hate. And it was for the first time in her life. There had been many times she thought she hated someone, but she had been a fool for thinking that is what hatred felt like. She hated Zolm. And that was because he tried to steal from not only her, but the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She took the blame for responding to him at first, but the weight of what Zolm had really meant to do bore down on her. He could have been the first man to touch her, when the only man who should touch her was someone she wanted to do such a thing. She wanted Garsiv to be the only man to touch her.
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as a sigh escaped her lips. She hadn't noticed by thinking of her husband finally doing the things that her body craved that she started to line her collar bone with her fingertips. The skin on skin contact caused her to feel flushed and gooseflesh to raise on her arms. There would be a day soon, she hoped, where she would move on from her anger towards her husband enough to allow him to do the things she was beginning to feel like she desperately needed him to do.
She let her hand drop from her chest to her side and she opened her eyes, which she had come to realize had been closed this entire time. She couldn't focus very well which made her remember her headache as well. As she was lost in her thoughts she felt her body start to slow, and fatigue started to make her limps grow heavy.
Slowly she made her way to the bed. For some reason she felt like the bed had crossed the room to catch her because before she knew it she was crawling on top of it. She sighed as her head hit the pillow. Her eyes fluttered a few times, the tell-tale sign that the drought was in full effect. She snuggled deep into the thick furs that held a masculine scent. Her last thought before drifting to sleep that it hadn't been her room she had ran to.
It had been Garsiv's room.
Seriously, if anyone sees mistakes, please let me know about them. I wrote this a while ago, and it was very quickly. I keep trying to read it again, but I am just so focused what I am currently writing that it sort of kills me to back track. I know, get a beta, but I do have one, she just currently is experiencing the same things I am: school.