My eyes open to a grey bunk above me. I sit up, turning my feet to touch the ground. My eyes feel heavy from crying and everything from the night before floods back to me. I tiptoe out of the cell, not hearing anybody awake below me. I see Daryl asleep on the perch, hand over his bow and I'm relieved I don't have to face him right now.
I go down the stairs, trying to keep the echoes low. Carol rests near the cell door and I sneak into her cell to grab something. Afterwards, I go over to her and shake her awake "can you let me out?" I whisper when her eyes open.
"Where are you going?" She asks.
I stand straight up now when I respond "I can't sleep, was going to clear out some of the bodies from earlier in the hall." I'm sure she figured out by now where Daryl and I went, the place is secure, he made sure of it.
She eyes me curiously but stands up with a yawn to let me out. Both doors open, Merle turning on the ground where he's sleeping in the gathering area as she opens the second gate "thanks" I say back to her when I walk past. I walk slowly to where I was the day before, quickly coming up to the 2 bodies I worked on. I look forward, noticing a few more bodies lying on the ground and make my way over to the next closest body. I stand over it, eyeing it carefully. The man was a guard, his face contorted with rashes and blood, his skin flat and thin, bones obviously noticeable. He's been a walker for a long time.
I pull the gun out of my waistband and point it at its head. I try to control the shaking with my other hand. Time freezes when my finger pulls lightly at the trigger. I release it before it goes off, changing my mind. I lower my hands and turn to head back into the cell block "why are you crying Sadie-Mae?" Her little voice asks me.
"I can't do it Jo." I whisper out loud into the dead air. I know she's not here, but I allow the vision of her to appear to me anyway.
"You can do it. You can be with me.." She says with a smile.
I turn my head to the side "I tried so many times." I sigh back to her.
"I miss you Sadie Sis"she says my nickname.
"I miss you too, Jo" I say back with my head down.
"Join me. I've been waiting so long." She says, stepping closer to me. Her face clear from tears and her dress as blue as the day time sky.
I shake my head "I can't.. I promised.." I trail off, remembering my promise to Daryl that I wouldn't hurt myself.
"But you promised me you'd always take care of me." She says, her dress starting to seep to red.
"I was just a kid, I didn't know." I try to remind her, remind myself.
Now her tears have returned "I was too." She instantly appears in front of me, her small hands under mine with the gun "isn't it time we be together again?" She asks. I nod slowly, understanding what I have to do. My hand reaches upwards, towards my head. My little sister stepping away with a small smile across her face. The tears going away and her dress turning blue again. The tip of the gun rests on my temple now and the only thing holding me back is the fear. "Don't be afraid Sadie-Mae. It will all be over shortly and we'll be together forever" she says to me.
The tears silently roll down my face, dropping onto the floor like raindrops. I stare at her little 4 year old body, and I know this isn't her. This isn't what she would want from me. I shake my head, keeping the gun in place "Joanna Beth, I can't.." I tell her, wanting her to tell me that's okay, that is what she wants.
Instead her eyes turn cold, her body rigid "why did I have to die?" She asks "they wanted me, not you" she snarls angrily at me, my body shaking at her words "no one wanted you! You were selfish!" She yells, her lips turning blue.
"No..no.. I didn't mean to do it.." I argue with her.
"You wanted them all to yourself!" She yells in a high pitch tone "that's why you killed me! You murdered me Sadie-Mae, you murdered me because you always hated me. They loved me more and you couldn't stand that!" She goes on.
"No..no..no!" I yell back, shaking my head as the gun sits there, finger on the trigger.
"Then prove it!" She quips from behind.
I turn my body and point the gun to her. I pull the trigger over and over again, closing my eyes not wanting to see her bleed again. I keep going until I realize there's nothing left in it. I plop down onto to floor and weep "I'm sorry Jo.. I'm sorry" over and over again.
"What the hell are you doing?" Someone is yelling at me. I look up through the tears and see a blurry Carol. She picks up the gun near my legs and stares at me with rage "are you trying to draw attention to us?" I don't answer her and just continue to weep "hello, Sadie.. Anybody there?" She yells with clear annoyance.
"What's going on?" Daryl is next to her with his bow up and ready.
"She used an entire clip on this already dead walker." Carol explains "with my gun!" She snarls in addition.
I look up again to the two of them "she wanted me to kill myself.. But I.. I couldn't do it.."
Carol asks unknowing "who?"
"Jo" I say back still through tears.
"What the hell is going on here?" Carol asks looking at me outraged.
Daryl steps in front of her "I'll take care of this.." He says.
"What do you mean you'll take care of this? Daryl, she just used an entire clip of bullets too-"
He interrupts her "Carol." His arm touches her shoulder "go." He says calmly. She looks at him before looking to me one more time and turning away with a scowl.
"Let's go." he offers me a hand to get up.
I shake, not accepting it "she wanted me to kill myself. I had the gun to my head and everything." I say to him, needing to confide to someone.
He lowers his body and takes a seat across from me "but you didn't do it. Why?" He asks.
"I.. I don't know.." I say to him "she was telling me she missed me, that she wanted us to be together again, but then when I said I couldn't do it and.. and she got so angry. She said I did it on purpose, that I wanted the family all to myself." I shake my head vigorously "I didn't, I didn't though." I defend to him, defend to myself.
"I know" he says, resting a hand on my leg as I sit Indian style "why'd you take Carol's gun?" He asks me next.
"I needed to get over it. I need to be able to shoot." I explain not really knowing why I did it in the first place. "Daryl.." I say looking to him "I'm scared." I tell him when he looks at me.
"Don't be." he says moving closer "I got you" he kisses me on the forehead and holds me in his arms.